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Post by christine58 on Mar 4, 2019 13:48:39 GMT
You do nothing but justify your actions and his. You did leave your kids plain and simple. You have healing to do with them and yourself. Get yourself mentally healthy. He has shown you himself. I’d be running away as fast as possible. It’s great you’re reconnecting with family. You both have unresolved baggage. This won’t end well and f I didn’t know your age, you’re presenting as a love struck teenager who finally has freedom from her parents. Sorry but I call it as I see it.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 14:16:14 GMT
You do nothing but justify your actions and his. You did leave your kids plain and simple. You have healing to do with them and yourself. Get yourself mentally healthy. He has shown you himself. I’d be running away as fast as possible. It’s great you’re reconnecting with family. You both have unresolved baggage. This won’t end well and f I didn’t know your age, you’re presenting as a love struck teenager who finally has freedom from her parents. Sorry but I call it as I see it. Not sure how what I did is “leaving my kids?” They are nearly 19 and 22. How many kids their age actually live in close proximity to their parents? Since shortly after my divorce, they have lived full-time with their dad. I just don’t see it. I will not apologize for finally seeking my own happiness. Being within 5 miles of them and barely seing especially my son was not reason enough for me to stick around those parts. There were many instances of going out with them off/on and them leaving the restaurant/mall if they deemed that what I was saying wasn’t what they felt like they wanted to hear. Their dad told them a week before me that he was planning to divorce me and I’m sure he poisoned their mind against me. The way my son treated me while visiting at Christmas was apalling. I will never return there for the holidays. Would most women stick around with that sort of treatment? I don’t think so. California has never felt like home to me even after 40 years and I wanted to explore my options. Even if this relationship doesn’t work, I will probably stay in the East Coast area. It feels more like home than California ever did. Here, I feel like I can finally breathe instead of being constantly under the microscope and have to act a certain way or say a certain thing. That’s how I lived the last 20 years of my life. My ex could not stand if there were ever any stressors in the house so everything had to be artificially peaceful. That is a very difficult way to live.
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,995
Aug 14, 2015 21:47:17 GMT
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Post by pilcas on Mar 4, 2019 14:21:08 GMT
I can see a boy friend being upset if you are going out to dinner with a guy friend on a Saturday night. Upset over texting a far away friend? Controlling. You now have to give up a friendship or hide around and conceal?
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 14:29:08 GMT
I can see a boy friend being upset if you are going out to dinner with a guy friend on a Saturday night. Upset over texting a far away friend? Controlling. You now have to give up a friendship or hide around and conceal? Yes, that’s the bottom line of this whole post. I even told him that he is encouraging me to hide it or lie about it if he gets upset at the mere mention of a man’s name. He’s very kind and patient in a lot of ways and is also very thoughtful. Hopefully we can work through this issue.
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used2scrap
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,039
Jan 29, 2016 3:02:55 GMT
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Post by used2scrap on Mar 4, 2019 14:43:40 GMT
I can see a boy friend being upset if you are going out to dinner with a guy friend on a Saturday night. Upset over texting a far away friend? Controlling. You now have to give up a friendship or hide around and conceal? Yes, that’s the bottom line of this whole post. I even told him that he is encouraging me to hide it or lie about it if he gets upset at the mere mention of a man’s name. He’s very kind and patient in a lot of ways and is also very thoughtful. Hopefully we can work through this issue. He’s not encouraging you to lie or hide. He’s letting you know his relationship deal breakers. Your adult response is to either accept them or move on to another relationship.
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lurkyloo
Full Member
Posts: 284
Dec 5, 2018 6:53:08 GMT
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Post by lurkyloo on Mar 4, 2019 15:17:10 GMT
People are trying their best to give you some perspective, and you are only interested in defending your actions. Therapy is where you’d be able to begin seeing your actions from the perspective of the people around you, like your children, instead of from only your own. Yes, they are adults and you had rocky relationships with them anyway, so you justified moving as far away geographically as you could by pretending it was just like them going off to college. I would guess that’s not their interpretation of the situation at all.
Your new boyfriend is a side effect of your problems that you were running away from. You know that old saying, “wherever you go, there you are”. Nothing will change for you unless you find someone to help you see why you make the choices you make.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Mar 4, 2019 15:17:11 GMT
I haven't read all the responses so I don't know if someone has already said this. I also don't mean this is a bitchy way but I'm afraid it won't come across right. But I think the problem you have here is partly because of the way you have behaved with him. You met him on Facebook. You visited him briefly. And you uprooted yourself hardly knowing him at all. You were even willing to move away from your children. And I'm sorry, my DD is almost 19 and my DS is 17 and they are no where near the point of not needing their mom. He saw the behavior you engaged in to be with him. Is it a stretch for him to think that you wouldn't be facebook messaging with another guy you barely know and would up and move far away without barely knowing him too? In other words, if you did it for him, would you do it to him?
I don't think any of us and our experience with opposite sex friends is going to help you. I think you need to look at what kind of woman you've shown him you are. Because I think that's what's causing the insecurity.
And I wish you nothing but the best.
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Post by mom on Mar 4, 2019 15:28:39 GMT
Ok..this could be a long post, but I wanted to address many of the things you are saying.
Thank you for that. Yes as I am getting settled here, I am definitely looking at things more from what is best for me and not necessarily what is best for anybody else. My kids are grown now and I need to look out for myself. If this situation comes up again, we may even end up going to counseling because it is not something I am willing to budge on. I will not make the mistake of making one person my sole focus again like I did in my marriage.
You are very clear that you are only worried about yourself. WHY are you in a relationship if you are not willing to do whats best for the other person? You have made a commitment to live with a man - and be in a relationship with him - yet, all you're worried about is you.
You make a good point. He is 60 and has probably been around the barn a few times and been hurt. However, that is not something I want responsibility for. He either has to trust me or not. If it comes down to it, I would go see a marriage counselor or someone to help us navigate this and maybe other issues that pop up. Otherwise, he treats me like a queen and is very kind and considerate but this issue has come up repeatedly although he says each time that it won’t happen again.
A marriage counselor? Really? You aren't treating this as a marriage. You are treating this relationship like he's an option and not a priority. You need personal counseling.
I am just catching up on some of the reading… I definitely do not think my recent actions do not count. I realize what I did was crazy but I had my reasons for doing it. Maybe nobody can understand it but me. My life in California was very dysfunctional and unhealthy. I am very happy with the person I am becoming now that I am finally free of that. I often go out on my own and am enjoying exploring my new area and getting to know a new group of people. I do miss my kids a lot but we do not have to live geographically close for me to still be there for them. Most kids their age are off to college and not under the thumb of their parents any longer anyway so this just seems like that.
You moved across the country because you had a dysfunctional family in Ca? Unless your family is in the Governors Mansion there, you could have stayed somewhat locally to your kids. There were options to live in places closer to your kids. Your kids need you now more than ever. Sure some kids move away for college. But then they usually come home to mom. Being a parent doesn't end because your kids turn 18. Im sorry, but you are lying to yourself to justify leaving your kids, which is absolutely on you. Sure kids use their parents for only money. But that doesn't mean they are that way forever and it sure doesn't mean I walk away from them.
I don’t think this has much to do with how fast we got into a relationship. Like I said, I knew my ex for 24 years and yet now I feel like I knew nothing about him. I am definitely not bored. I am out and about most days and love exploring my new area. This has nothing to do with the reason I am texting other people occasionally. I have known them for years and we have grown close and met in person (some more than once). It has more to do with him simply not being comfortable with me talking to or even much mentioning another man’s name. He did say his last wife cheated on him with her work husband but I am even a little doubtful about the timing. I think she may have had a work husband who she is now with but I think she was free and clear of him when it happened. He was left both times so that probably makes him a bit more leery than the average bear. I was also left twice, (by the same person), but still I would not mind if he had female friends.
Just because you misjudged your ex doesn't mean you should move in with a practical stranger. And he was a stranger.
And you question the timing on something he told you? So you think he is lying?
For real - how many red flags do you need to see before seeing this relationship is not healthy and a good idea?
Sounds like it works really well for you guys. That’s great. I think the bottom line is that he is insecure and freely admitted but he needs to work through that on his own. I can’t and won’t change who I am just to please someone else. Been there, done that. I have encouraged him to have outside friendships away from me, regardless of gender. We’ll see how this goes. I do enjoy his company, we have a ton in common and he’s very thoughtful and considerate in most instances. I can see this is his red light issue though. Hopefully we can find a way to work through it.
You expect him to change, but then you aren't willing to change for anyone?
Thank you for all that. Pjaye did say that I left my children behind in California but as I posted, that’s hardly the case. Someone else (not here) has suggested the same thing and yes, that gets my dander up. I think I was a good mom and leaving California was not an easy decision by any means. My daughter‘s birthday is a week from Friday and it will be the first time that we will not spend it together and it will kill me. She was going to come out but it’s just not a good time for her so we will wait until summer and I will visit there then too. She and I are close but we have had our issues as I have posted on the peas from her high school days. It just wasn’t healthy for me to be in California anymore and I decided to jump at this opportunity. I do have a good friend here also that could be my back up if necessary or I could also just figure out something else on my own. As for the kidney guy, I did meet him on Facebook originally but have met him in person and we have been online friends for years. We have gotten somewhat close but not in a romantic way. We share things about our families and jokes and share baseball and that sort of thing. Nothing romantic at all. Even when I did visit him in Chicago, I did not stay with him. As for me saying, “if this goes south,” I am very aware of the statistics on this being successful are probably not all that high. However, I have heard of successful quickly formed relationships so maybe we will beat the odds. I would just like my friends to still be available for me whichever way this goes and me for them.
All the highlighted EXCEPT for the part about quickly formed relationships (will address that next) - I am noticing every decision is about you. Whats best for you. Whats convienent for you. What you want. Does anyone else's feelings ever get considered? Whats best for them? Or is it always about you? Do you ever consider how your actions effect those around you?
I have been in your shoes. exHusband that wasn't who I thought he was. I was abused emotionally by a controlling husband. But where the similarities stop is where you move in with someone you really don't know. I got myself to therapy and spent a good year, working on myself. Healing. Becoming comfortable with who I was. I didn't date. I didn't meet guys on Facebook or in groups. In fact, for the year that I was healing, I didn't actively seek out any relationship (friend or otherwise) from the opposite sex. I didn't want make some guy a rebound guy. Does this work for everyone? Probably not. But when the hurt goes so deep from a broken marriage I felt like *I* needed to heal myself before trying to have a relationship with anyone else.
And to answer your comment about quickly formed relationships working out? They do. I met my husband in November and we were married by March. We are celebrating 15 years together on the 15th of the month. Sure, it was quick. But I knew he was the one the first time I saw him. We didn't live together ahead of time, but we did spend all of our time together. I had been seperated/divorced for almost two years, and in Therapy the whole time. I didn't date for a year immediately after my divorce. My relationship with DH wasn't built on running away from something - it was built on trust and a feeling that DH brought out the absolute best in me, and me in him.
Oh yeah, I can see what you’re saying. The organ donation thing was a surprise too because I could’ve sworn I mentioned it before I came out here. It is somewhat flattering that he seems so into me but yet I know that can also go too far in one direction. I definitely need to be aware of that and I am encouraging him to go out with people other than me and hopefully meet some new friends. As I have heard from others, he said he lost a lot of friends when he became sober 3 years ago as they were drinking buddies and did not feel comfortable continuing to go out with him if he wasn’t drinking. He said he also lost quite a number after his divorce for a similar reason.
If organ donation is a such a big deal for you, how are you not absolutely certain you and he were on the same page about it? And the part about encouraging him to go meet people? Why not the two of you go out together and meet people? Why does it have to be his friends or your friends? Sure, DH and I have our own friends, but the majority of our friends are just that - our friends who are also in a couple.
No I am not. I’ve thought about it but don’t have insurance but may look into it anyway. I have done it before. ]Honestly, I don’t think I’m trying to make up for lost time. I did take 19 months off from dating after my divorce before getting back into it. In fact, I was taking a break from the dating apps when this gentleman invited me out for a game last September. We have a lot in common and just seemed to hit it off for the most part. However, living with someone does give you a different perspective, so we are just learning more about each other and getting to know each other. I didn’t live with my ex prior to marriage and I wish I had. That could’ve avoided that whole disaster.
I disagree with you about whether or not you are making up for lost time. And you say you were taking a break from dating apps when you met a guy that you went to visit and hit it off. Just because it wasn't a dating app doesn't mean you were taking a break from guys. You apparently were flirting, etc on this facebook page or the guy would not have known you were single, etc. I am on a ton of true crime groups and NO ONE has ever invited me out to see them, or even remotely chatted with me about anything other than true crimes. Just because you don't call it a dating app doesn't mean it wasn't what it was used for.
I did not come out here to escape my situation in California. I was tired of running into people that knew about it and all our dirty laundry though. I wanted to go somewhere to start new where I could be by myself and not someone’s ex-wife. My parents grew up hetre and I had visited frequently until about 20 years ago. I feel comfortable here and had always enjoyed my visits not only to Pittsburgh but also to places in the area. I never envisioned myself living here but the timing of the opportunity just seemed to tell me that it was the right thing to do. Sometimes one just has to take a leap of faith and hope for the best. Staying in California was definitely not an option that I wanted to pursue. It was not it all healthy for me out there.
You say you didn't run, but then in the next sentence you used the word escape. I really think you need to start being honest with yourself.
Yes, that’s the bottom line of this whole post. I even told him that he is encouraging me to hide it or lie about it if he gets upset at the mere mention of a man’s name. He’s very kind and patient in a lot of ways and is also very thoughtful. Hopefully we can work through this issue. Lying and hiding it are not your only choice. There is the third option of being an adult about it. If you cannot respect his wishes, then move on.
*whew* that was a lot. At the end of the day, I think you need serious one-on-one counseling. To deal with the end of your marriage and to get you help in how to have a relationship with your kids. If you were my friend, I would tell you that this guy is not a good man for you. There are many red flags. BUT there are just as many red flags indicating you aren't ready for a relationship with anyone.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jul 8, 2024 0:02:58 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2019 15:30:59 GMT
You have chosen poorly. The issue has nothing to do with having opposite-gender friends. You moved in far too quickly, and now you're playing house with someone you really don't know at all. This is what dating is for, to get to know someone to see if they are a good fit for a life partner. You don't go to counseling to try to make someone into a good fit, you date, and when deal-breakers surface, you move on. You've behaved stupidly, and this is the natural consequence of that.
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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Mar 4, 2019 15:33:10 GMT
Their dad told them a week before me that he was planning to divorce me and I’m sure he poisoned their mind against me. The way my son treated me while visiting at Christmas was apalling. Do you try to see this from your son's point of view? He's a 17/18 yo teen who is trying to deal with all of the garbage that his mom AND dad are dragging him through. He may have treated you horribly but you're the adult here and should try and step back and see what all he's going through without being defensive about it. Like someone above said, if I didn't know your age I'd think you were a teen running away and escaping from her parents at the first chance you had. Moving may be what you needed to do, but not all the way across the country, leaving your kids, and living with this man after knowing him for such an incredibly short time was just not very smart.
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Post by mom on Mar 4, 2019 15:40:29 GMT
You have chosen poorly. The issue has nothing to do with having opposite-gender friends. You moved in far too quickly, and now you're playing house with someone you really don't know at all. This is what dating is for, to get to know someone to see if they are a good fit for a life partner. You don't go to counseling to try to make someone into a good fit, you date, and when deal-breakers surface, you move on. You've behaved stupidly, and this is the natural consequence of that. You deserve a gold medal.
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Post by Mel on Mar 4, 2019 15:41:39 GMT
I have guy friends and my SO doesn't really seem to care. My phone, computer, etc are all completely accessible to him so if he ever wanted to check on any correspondence, etc, he could, and I have told him to feel free. To my knowledge, he hasn't. We both had lives before we met each other, and neither of us expected the other to dump friendships or change those. Now if he had any women friends, that might be a different story... hehe J/K
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Post by jeremysgirl on Mar 4, 2019 15:45:35 GMT
Do you try to see this from your son's point of view? He's a 17/18 yo teen who is trying to deal with all of the garbage that his mom AND dad are dragging him through. He may have treated you horribly but you're the adult here and should try and step back and see what all he's going through without being defensive about it. This! It is fully possible that a parent can poison a child against the other parent. But the older the child is, the less likely it is to happen. My children know their mother loves them. My ex can say all manner of bad things about me but my kids know the mother who raised them. And let me say, that I was pretty abused as a kid by my dad. I'm angrier at my mom. Because she had the power to stop it and she didn't. When women sit back and let their DH's abuse, manipulate, and control them for years before getting up the courage to leave, they are teaching their kids that that's the way to behave in a relationship. If your ex is truly a jerk, then that's exactly what your son saw for years. You taking it. And that was his role model for how a man should be. And that was the role model your DD had for how a man should treat her. It's very sad, IMO.
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Post by unknown pea on Mar 4, 2019 15:49:18 GMT
Since then, I have met someone else and we are living together. I know I talked to him about this prior to starting things up and he seemed OK with it but now he is not OK with it. My new guy is not thrilled that I am spending time with my ex but we all need to be flexible in this situation. I do not message them around him and I do not throw it in his face. However, yesterday I did mention one of the guy’s names in context and he seemed to get irritated. He asked me how we became such good friends that he would have my phone number. There's a pattern here. If you were smart, you'd realize that.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Mar 4, 2019 15:52:11 GMT
No I am not. I’ve thought about it but don’t have insurance but may look into it anyway. I have done it before. ]Honestly, I don’t think I’m trying to make up for lost time. I did take 19 months off from dating after my divorce before getting back into it. Sarah, I'm going to try and say this...gently, but doubt I will. ha. You say the SAME things over and over. We all know your story. Your dh's bromance, your mental hospital stay, your move to Pitts and why. We know! you need to stop using those things as excuses, and tell us something new. what have you done that's NEW and allowed you to move forward in a healthy manner? The whole taking 19 months off from dating is laughable. You were in a mental hospital, then in half way homes. Ahhh. yea. you shouldn't have been dating, rather then taking time off. I know you enjoy being around men, and being in a relationship. you're that person. Yet, it seems like you do pretty good on your own, with your meet up groups, and getting out and about. You need to get a job and get some health insurance. Esp with your mental history. If you don't have a job, you could apply for MA. The kidney thing you said you mentioned it before. and he was ok with it. ahhh, he wasn't living with you at the time I'm sure, and the reality of having to take care of you, and paying all the bills and doing everything while you recover probably hit you. Everyone has made valid points.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 15:52:28 GMT
Their dad told them a week before me that he was planning to divorce me and I’m sure he poisoned their mind against me. The way my son treated me while visiting at Christmas was apalling. Do you try to see this from your son's point of view? He's a 17/18 yo teen who is trying to deal with all of the garbage that his mom AND dad are dragging him through. He may have treated you horribly but you're the adult here and should try and step back and see what all he's going through without being defensive about it. Like someone above said, if I didn't know your age I'd think you were a teen running away and escaping from her parents at the first chance you had. Moving may be what you needed to do but living with this man after knowing him for such an incredibly short time was just not very smart. He is now 18, 19 in May. His treatment is nothing new or directly from the divorce. He saw the way his dad treated me over the years with utter disrespect and is unfortunately a carbon copy. We did have a nice Facetime yesterday so maybe there is hope. It was so bad on Christmas that even after I gave him some nice gifts, he hit me up for a $300 Venmo on Christmas day and also refused to drive me to the airport, yet he’ll drive his dad. He’s at that age where everything revolves around him. I got ratgwr tired of being ysed fir nothing but $.
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Post by Really Red on Mar 4, 2019 16:09:23 GMT
You do nothing but justify your actions and his. You did leave your kids plain and simple. You have healing to do with them and yourself. Get yourself mentally healthy. He has shown you himself. I’d be running away as fast as possible. It’s great you’re reconnecting with family. You both have unresolved baggage. This won’t end well and f I didn’t know your age, you’re presenting as a love struck teenager who finally has freedom from her parents. Sorry but I call it as I see it. I cannot help but agree. I did not want to get involved in this third? fourth? thread about stuff like this, but luvnlifelady you need to get yourself together. You need to figure out YOU before you jump into another relationship. Learn how to be happy by yourself, then you can see what you will or will not accept.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 16:21:08 GMT
No I am not. I’ve thought about it but don’t have insurance but may look into it anyway. I have done it before. ]Honestly, I don’t think I’m trying to make up for lost time. I did take 19 months off from dating after my divorce before getting back into it. Sarah, I'm going to try and say this...gently, but doubt I will. ha. You say the SAME things over and over. We all know your story. Your dh's bromance, your mental hospital stay, your move to Pitts and why. We know! you need to stop using those things as excuses, and tell us something new. what have you done that's NEW and allowed you to move forward in a healthy manner? The whole taking 19 months off from dating is laughable. You were in a mental hospital, then in half way homes. Ahhh. yea. you shouldn't have been dating, rather then taking time off. I know you enjoy being around men, and being in a relationship. you're that person. Yet, it seems like you do pretty good on your own, with your meet up groups, and getting out and about. You need to get a job and get some health insurance. Esp with your mental history. If you don't have a job, you could apply for MA. The kidney thing you said you mentioned it before. and he was ok with it. ahhh, he wasn't living with you at the time I'm sure, and the reality of having to take care of you, and paying all the bills and doing everything while you recover probably hit you. Everyone has made valid points. Yes I was in a psych ward for 2 weeks after a 10 minute conversation with a psychiatrist I had never met. He declared me to be be “gravely disabled.” Talk about laughable. That place is now closed, not surprisingly. That he had the power to do that is scary. They then pumped me with meds with no follow up. Mental health care is in a crisis in our country. I am far from “gravely disabled” but I could use it in court if necessary. I won’t, but I could. Some women chastise single women for dating but that is often from the “comfort” of being married whether going well or jit. I don’t think there's anything wrong with a woman dating long AFTER her marital separation. Some women swear off men but that’s their thing, not mine. I enjoy a man’s companionship and that’s nithing to be ashamed of. Some women I know are so bitter that a man would be crazy to date them. The next guy isn’t like the ex but some think they are. You know more than others because of FB but not everyone here knows all the sordid details. I’m actually quite proud of myself for making the move. I’ve been told countless times by women who comment how courageoys I am and how they wish they could do it. Not many would give up their comfort zone for the unknown. It’s only been 3 months but I think I’m adjusting well overall. I’m definitely mentally healthier here.
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Post by christine58 on Mar 4, 2019 16:22:08 GMT
YOU ARE UNDER A MICROSCOPE with him. Get a fucking job, your own place and get Medicaid! This isn’t rocket science. It’s one thing when kids move away. It’s completely different when a parent up and leaves. Saw it with a friend and her grown kids. Sucked. Still sucks. cindyupnorth is right on the mark. Read it. Again and again.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 16:30:19 GMT
You have chosen poorly. The issue has nothing to do with having opposite-gender friends. You moved in far too quickly, and now you're playing house with someone you really don't know at all. This is what dating is for, to get to know someone to see if they are a good fit for a life partner. You don't go to counseling to try to make someone into a good fit, you date, and when deal-breakers surface, you move on. You've behaved stupidly, and this is the natural consequence of that. Thank you for that opinion.I don’t agree with it but different strokes for different folks. Just because I am putting myself first for the time ever does not mean it is stupid. Hasty? Yes but “stupid” is a stretch.
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Post by gar on Mar 4, 2019 16:30:46 GMT
This is what dating is for, to get to know someone to see if they are a good fit for a life partner. This is what I see too. All this 'finding out' stuff should be done before living together except in very rare cases. and this is the bottom line - you hardly know him. And I get that you felt like that about your ex Dh after a long marriage - but why use that as a reason/excuse to repeat the behaviour? That should make you want to be even more sure you know someone very well before moving in together not the other way around!
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 16:32:45 GMT
This is what dating is for, to get to know someone to see if they are a good fit for a life partner. This is what I see too. All this 'finding out' stuff should be done before living together except in very rare cases. and this is the bottom line - you hardly know him. And I get that you felt like that about your ex Dh after a long marriage - but why use that as a reason/excuse to repeat the behaviour? That should make you want to be even more sure you know someone very well before moving in together not the other way around! I actually feel that you can’t “really” get to know someone until you live together. Anyone can be fake while dating but it's harder to do that while living together. Even while under the same roof, people can still hide things.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 16:37:14 GMT
YOU ARE UNDER A MICROSCOPE with him. Get a fucking job, your own place and get Medicaid! This isn’t rocket science. It’s one thing when kids move away. It’s completely different when a parent up and leaves. Saw it with a friend and her grown kids. Sucked. Still sucks. cindyupnorth is right on the mark. Read it. Again and again. While I appreciate your time in responding, it seems like my posts bother you. In that case, it might be better if you skip over them. I post about situations pertinent to my life to get the experience of others that have experienced similar. Sorry if they seem repetitive to you.
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Post by gar on Mar 4, 2019 16:38:57 GMT
This is what I see too. All this 'finding out' stuff should be done before living together except in very rare cases. and this is the bottom line - you hardly know him. And I get that you felt like that about your ex Dh after a long marriage - but why use that as a reason/excuse to repeat the behaviour? That should make you want to be even more sure you know someone very well before moving in together not the other way around! I actually feel that you can’t “really” get to know someone until you live together. Anyone can be fake while dating but it's harder to do that while living together. Even while under the same roof, people can still hide things. That’s true to a point but there’s a middle ground. You need to know more than you seem to about this guy before deciding you’re ready to live with him. You’re jumping from A - Z without bothering with any of the stuff in the middle, finding out whilst you’re actually there in the trenches, so to speak. If you decide he’s not for you, moving out is much harder and more complicated than just deciding not to see him again.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Mar 4, 2019 16:40:08 GMT
Ok..this could be a long post, but I wanted to address many of the things you are saying. Thank you for that. Yes as I am getting settled here, I am definitely looking at things more from what is best for me and not necessarily what is best for anybody else. My kids are grown now and I need to look out for myself. If this situation comes up again, we may even end up going to counseling because it is not something I am willing to budge on. I will not make the mistake of making one person my sole focus again like I did in my marriage.You are very clear that you are only worried about yourself. WHY are you in a relationship if you are not willing to do whats best for the other person? You have made a commitment to live with a man - and be in a relationship with him - yet, all you're worried about is you. You make a good point. He is 60 and has probably been around the barn a few times and been hurt. However, that is not something I want responsibility for. He either has to trust me or not. If it comes down to it, I would go see a marriage counselor or someone to help us navigate this and maybe other issues that pop up. Otherwise, he treats me like a queen and is very kind and considerate but this issue has come up repeatedly although he says each time that it won’t happen again.A marriage counselor? Really? You aren't treating this as a marriage. You are treating this relationship like he's an option and not a priority. You need personal counseling. I am just catching up on some of the reading… I definitely do not think my recent actions do not count. I realize what I did was crazy but I had my reasons for doing it. Maybe nobody can understand it but me. My life in California was very dysfunctional and unhealthy. I am very happy with the person I am becoming now that I am finally free of that. I often go out on my own and am enjoying exploring my new area and getting to know a new group of people. I do miss my kids a lot but we do not have to live geographically close for me to still be there for them. Most kids their age are off to college and not under the thumb of their parents any longer anyway so this just seems like that.You moved across the country because you had a dysfunctional family in Ca? Unless your family is in the Governors Mansion there, you could have stayed somewhat locally to your kids. There were options to live in places closer to your kids. Your kids need you now more than ever. Sure some kids move away for college. But then they usually come home to mom. Being a parent doesn't end because your kids turn 18. Im sorry, but you are lying to yourself to justify leaving your kids, which is absolutely on you. Sure kids use their parents for only money. But that doesn't mean they are that way forever and it sure doesn't mean I walk away from them. I don’t think this has much to do with how fast we got into a relationship. Like I said, I knew my ex for 24 years and yet now I feel like I knew nothing about him. I am definitely not bored. I am out and about most days and love exploring my new area. This has nothing to do with the reason I am texting other people occasionally. I have known them for years and we have grown close and met in person (some more than once). It has more to do with him simply not being comfortable with me talking to or even much mentioning another man’s name. He did say his last wife cheated on him with her work husband but I am even a little doubtful about the timing. I think she may have had a work husband who she is now with but I think she was free and clear of him when it happened. He was left both times so that probably makes him a bit more leery than the average bear. I was also left twice, (by the same person), but still I would not mind if he had female friends.Just because you misjudged your ex doesn't mean you should move in with a practical stranger. And he was a stranger.
And you question the timing on something he told you? So you think he is lying?
For real - how many red flags do you need to see before seeing this relationship is not healthy and a good idea? Sounds like it works really well for you guys. That’s great. I think the bottom line is that he is insecure and freely admitted but he needs to work through that on his own. I can’t and won’t change who I am just to please someone else. Been there, done that. I have encouraged him to have outside friendships away from me, regardless of gender. We’ll see how this goes. I do enjoy his company, we have a ton in common and he’s very thoughtful and considerate in most instances. I can see this is his red light issue though. Hopefully we can find a way to work through it.You expect him to change, but then you aren't willing to change for anyone? Thank you for all that. Pjaye did say that I left my children behind in California but as I posted, that’s hardly the case. Someone else (not here) has suggested the same thing and yes, that gets my dander up. I think I was a good mom and leaving California was not an easy decision by any means. My daughter‘s birthday is a week from Friday and it will be the first time that we will not spend it together and it will kill me. She was going to come out but it’s just not a good time for her so we will wait until summer and I will visit there then too. She and I are close but we have had our issues as I have posted on the peas from her high school days. It just wasn’t healthy for me to be in California anymore and I decided to jump at this opportunity. I do have a good friend here also that could be my back up if necessary or I could also just figure out something else on my own. As for the kidney guy, I did meet him on Facebook originally but have met him in person and we have been online friends for years. We have gotten somewhat close but not in a romantic way. We share things about our families and jokes and share baseball and that sort of thing. Nothing romantic at all. Even when I did visit him in Chicago, I did not stay with him. As for me saying, “if this goes south,” I am very aware of the statistics on this being successful are probably not all that high. However, I have heard of successful quickly formed relationships so maybe we will beat the odds. I would just like my friends to still be available for me whichever way this goes and me for them. All the highlighted EXCEPT for the part about quickly formed relationships (will address that next) - I am noticing every decision is about you. Whats best for you. Whats convienent for you. What you want. Does anyone else's feelings ever get considered? Whats best for them? Or is it always about you? Do you ever consider how your actions effect those around you?
I have been in your shoes. exHusband that wasn't who I thought he was. I was abused emotionally by a controlling husband. But where the similarities stop is where you move in with someone you really don't know. I got myself to therapy and spent a good year, working on myself. Healing. Becoming comfortable with who I was. I didn't date. I didn't meet guys on Facebook or in groups. In fact, for the year that I was healing, I didn't actively seek out any relationship (friend or otherwise) from the opposite sex. I didn't want make some guy a rebound guy. Does this work for everyone? Probably not. But when the hurt goes so deep from a broken marriage I felt like *I* needed to heal myself before trying to have a relationship with anyone else.
And to answer your comment about quickly formed relationships working out? They do. I met my husband in November and we were married by March. We are celebrating 15 years together on the 15th of the month. Sure, it was quick. But I knew he was the one the first time I saw him. We didn't live together ahead of time, but we did spend all of our time together. I had been seperated/divorced for almost two years, and in Therapy the whole time. I didn't date for a year immediately after my divorce. My relationship with DH wasn't built on running away from something - it was built on trust and a feeling that DH brought out the absolute best in me, and me in him. Oh yeah, I can see what you’re saying. The organ donation thing was a surprise too because I could’ve sworn I mentioned it before I came out here. It is somewhat flattering that he seems so into me but yet I know that can also go too far in one direction. I definitely need to be aware of that and I am encouraging him to go out with people other than me and hopefully meet some new friends. As I have heard from others, he said he lost a lot of friends when he became sober 3 years ago as they were drinking buddies and did not feel comfortable continuing to go out with him if he wasn’t drinking. He said he also lost quite a number after his divorce for a similar reason.If organ donation is a such a big deal for you, how are you not absolutely certain you and he were on the same page about it? And the part about encouraging him to go meet people? Why not the two of you go out together and meet people? Why does it have to be his friends or your friends? Sure, DH and I have our own friends, but the majority of our friends are just that - our friends who are also in a couple. No I am not. I’ve thought about it but don’t have insurance but may look into it anyway. I have done it before. ]Honestly, I don’t think I’m trying to make up for lost time. I did take 19 months off from dating after my divorce before getting back into it. In fact, I was taking a break from the dating apps when this gentleman invited me out for a game last September. We have a lot in common and just seemed to hit it off for the most part. However, living with someone does give you a different perspective, so we are just learning more about each other and getting to know each other. I didn’t live with my ex prior to marriage and I wish I had. That could’ve avoided that whole disaster.I disagree with you about whether or not you are making up for lost time. And you say you were taking a break from dating apps when you met a guy that you went to visit and hit it off. Just because it wasn't a dating app doesn't mean you were taking a break from guys. You apparently were flirting, etc on this facebook page or the guy would not have known you were single, etc. I am on a ton of true crime groups and NO ONE has ever invited me out to see them, or even remotely chatted with me about anything other than true crimes. Just because you don't call it a dating app doesn't mean it wasn't what it was used for. I did not come out here to escape my situation in California. I was tired of running into people that knew about it and all our dirty laundry though. I wanted to go somewhere to start new where I could be by myself and not someone’s ex-wife. My parents grew up hetre and I had visited frequently until about 20 years ago. I feel comfortable here and had always enjoyed my visits not only to Pittsburgh but also to places in the area. I never envisioned myself living here but the timing of the opportunity just seemed to tell me that it was the right thing to do. Sometimes one just has to take a leap of faith and hope for the best. Staying in California was definitely not an option that I wanted to pursue. It was not it all healthy for me out there.You say you didn't run, but then in the next sentence you used the word escape. I really think you need to start being honest with yourself. Yes, that’s the bottom line of this whole post. I even told him that he is encouraging me to hide it or lie about it if he gets upset at the mere mention of a man’s name. He’s very kind and patient in a lot of ways and is also very thoughtful. Hopefully we can work through this issue.Lying and hiding it are not your only choice. There is the third option of being an adult about it. If you cannot respect his wishes, then move on. *whew* that was a lot. At the end of the day, I think you need serious one-on-one counseling. To deal with the end of your marriage and to get you help in how to have a relationship with your kids. If you were my friend, I would tell you that this guy is not a good man for you. There are many red flags. BUT there are just as many red flags indicating you aren't ready for a relationship with anyone. Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!!!!
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Post by unknown pea on Mar 4, 2019 16:42:35 GMT
I can see a boy friend being upset if you are going out to dinner with a guy friend on a Saturday night. Upset over texting a far away friend? Controlling. You now have to give up a friendship or hide around and conceal? Yes, that’s the bottom line of this whole post. I even told him that he is encouraging me to hide it or lie about it if he gets upset at the mere mention of a man’s name. He’s very kind and patient in a lot of ways and is also very thoughtful. Hopefully we can work through this issue. No one can encourage you to lie and hide. That's a choice you make. You are going to continue to justify what some of us see as a very unhealthy, possibly controlling relationship.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Mar 4, 2019 16:43:30 GMT
I cannot help but agree. I did not want to get involved in this third? fourth? thread about stuff like this I have avoided posting on all of them because I just hate saying things that I know are going to hurt someone. But I am just so tired of the inability to look at this from the kids' POV. The only way I would give up on my kids is if they were a drug or alcohol addict. That's it. I know there's no helping an addict and you will ruin yourself in the process. The OP has posted for many years that her DD had issues with mental health. I look at my own two children and I see exactly how much they need me. Legal adults or not, they need my help and guidance. I think it would go so much further toward repairing her relationship with her DS if she lived close. If she lived independently, holding down a job, paying her bills on her own, showing him how much her life has improved through her own hard work. And then being persistent in trying to contact him (not being a pest) but being like, how about we go out to eat together? How about we go to a sporting event? Whatever he likes, just taking an interest in his interests. Not buying his affection, spending time with him on his terms. Because I feel like moving away was just giving up on a relationship with him and as a mother, it just doesn't compute for me.
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Post by unknown pea on Mar 4, 2019 16:46:16 GMT
People are trying their best to give you some perspective, and you are only interested in defending your actions. Therapy is where you’d be able to begin seeing your actions from the perspective of the people around you, like your children, instead of from only your own. Yes, they are adults and you had rocky relationships with them anyway, so you justified moving as far away geographically as you could by pretending it was just like them going off to college. I would guess that’s not their interpretation of the situation at all. Your new boyfriend is a side effect of your problems that you were running away from. You know that old saying, “wherever you go, there you are”. Nothing will change for you unless you find someone to help you see why you make the choices you make.
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Post by Really Red on Mar 4, 2019 16:49:56 GMT
I cannot help but agree. I did not want to get involved in this third? fourth? thread about stuff like this I have avoided posting on all of them because I just hate saying things that I know are going to hurt someone. But I am just so tired of the inability to look at this from the kids' POV. The only way I would give up on my kids is if they were a drug or alcohol addict. That's it. I know there's no helping an addict and you will ruin yourself in the process. The OP has posted for many years that her DD had issues with mental health. I look at my own two children and I see exactly how much they need me. Legal adults or not, they need my help and guidance. I think it would go so much further toward repairing her relationship with her DS if she lived close. If she lived independently, holding down a job, paying her bills on her own, showing him how much her life has improved through her own hard work. And then being persistent in trying to contact him (not being a pest) but being like, how about we go out to eat together? How about we go to a sporting event? Whatever he likes, just taking an interest in his interests. Not buying his affection, spending time with him on his terms. Because I feel like moving away was just giving up on a relationship with him and as a mother, it just doesn't compute for me. I know your story, jeremysgirl and I so admire you for this point of view. If anyone doesn't know by now that teenagers are self-centered, I don't know where they've been. It's our job as parents, and people whose brains are fully-developed, to look past that and hold on.
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kibblesandbits
Pearl Clutcher
At the corner of Awesome and Bombdiggity
Posts: 3,305
Aug 13, 2016 13:47:39 GMT
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Post by kibblesandbits on Mar 4, 2019 16:52:37 GMT
This is what I see too. All this 'finding out' stuff should be done before living together except in very rare cases. and this is the bottom line - you hardly know him. And I get that you felt like that about your ex Dh after a long marriage - but why use that as a reason/excuse to repeat the behaviour? That should make you want to be even more sure you know someone very well before moving in together not the other way around! I actually feel that you can’t “really” get to know someone until you live together. Anyone can be fake while dating but it's harder to do that while living together. Even while under the same roof, people can still hide things. OMG. You are the limit. How about this? YES, IT IS OKAY TO HAVE OPPOSITE GENDER FRIENDS. NO IT IS NOT OKAY TO INSIST THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND BE OKAY WITH IT. HE DOES NOT LIKE IT. How would you like it if he insisted you accept something against your wishes?
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