luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428 
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 1:56:11 GMT
I love sports, so i seem to make friends with guys easily.
I have had some for years. We will text each other if we see a funny meme or just to check in, etc.
However, I am in a new relationship and he is not happy about it. Until today, he had his ex wife as a FB friend though.
I have known some of these guys for years and I told him I will not dump friends just because I met him. If this goes south, I want to have friends to fall back on as they were there for me before him and will be there for me after him.
None of them are local and I do not have a romantic interest in any of them.
Is this OK in your book or is it being disrespectful?
I do not message them around him and I do not throw it in his face. However, yesterday I did mention one of the guy’s names in context and he seemed to get irritated.
He asked me how we became such good friends that he would have my phone number.
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Post by christine58 on Mar 4, 2019 1:59:00 GMT
He sounds very insecure. Time to re-evaluate
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Post by 950nancy on Mar 4, 2019 2:08:10 GMT
Yes, it is perfectly normal to have friends that are the opposite sex if you have things in common. Now if time spent with these friends takes away too much time from your romantic relationship, I could see it as an issue, but if not, someone needs to check himself.
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Post by papersilly on Mar 4, 2019 2:08:11 GMT
To me, It's absolutely ok and not disrespectful at all. I have guy friends that I lunch with and text with. DH knows about them. I don't hide anything. Guy friends bring a different perspectiv to friendships that girlriends don't. I just lunched with a guy friend yesterday. Had a great time. Told DH all about it afterwards. He had no objections or discomfort with it. I love and appreciate that my husband is so cool with that kind of stuff.
I think it all boils down to trust. Trust in your partner and having a strong sense of self confidence. I think partners who get jealous or don't feel confidant in your relationship tend to feel uncomfortable with opposite sex friends. I refuse to end a friendship just because someone is unreasonably threatened or bothered by it.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 2:08:43 GMT
He sounds very insecure. Time to re-evaluate Oh yah, he fully admits that he is. He has been divorced twice but other than this issue, things seem to be going well. I told him that I cannot be held responsible for those before me that burned him. He has brought up the issue several times and each time he says he is going to drop it but yet it seems to resurface about once a month. |
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Post by ntsf on Mar 4, 2019 2:09:56 GMT
I have friends who are guys.. no big deal. my dad was a social guy and had women friends. never affected his loving and long relationship with my mom.. so I think it is weird to be worried about this.. but.. insecurity is often present and this may not be something your so is familiar with.
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Post by peace on Mar 4, 2019 2:13:27 GMT
I say I am too old for that nonsense. I have friends - gender is not important. He sounds very insecure and I would firmly place that ball back in his court.
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Post by 950nancy on Mar 4, 2019 2:16:27 GMT
I say I am too old for that nonsense. I have friends - gender is not important. He sounds very insecure and I would firmly place that ball back in his court. Hmmm. I was thinking about placing his balls somewhere else.  |
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 2:27:42 GMT
Maybe his age has something to do with it. He is 60 while I am 53.
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,775
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Post by scrapngranny on Mar 4, 2019 2:29:31 GMT
That is called a red flag #2....he is telling you who he is, believe him.
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Deleted
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Jul 5, 2024 4:44:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2019 2:35:20 GMT
I love sports,so i seem to make friends with guys easily. I have had some for years. We will text each other if we see a funny meme or just t check in, etc. However, I am in a new relationship and he is not happy about it. Until today, he had his ex wife as a FB friend though. I have known some of these guys for years and I told him I will not dump friends just because I met him. If this goes south, I want to have friends to fall back on as they were there for me before him and will be there for me after him. None of them are local and I do not have a romantic interest in any of them. Is this OK in your book or is it being disrespectful? I do not message them around him and I do not throw it in his face. However, yesterday I did mention one of the guy’s names in context and he seemed to get irritated. He asked me how we became such good friends that he would have my phone number. He is telling you, loud and clear, he is insecure. You won't be able to have him and guy friends.. maybe not even women friends without his approval. I agree with you about the other guys were there first and will be there if things go south.........so the question is, can YOU live by the rules of his insecurities? |
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Post by Linda on Mar 4, 2019 2:35:27 GMT
I think it's fine to have friends of the opposite gender. And in a dating scenario, it would be a red-flag for me if my partner had an issue with my long-time friends.
That said, I've been married for almost 20 years and I've chosen to avoid one-on-one interactions with men - I just feel that it's better to avoid the appearance of impropriety AND to avoid any possibility of temptation. I don't FB chat my male FB friends on a regular basis - if they send me a message, I'll reply but I'll make a point of mentioning that I heard from 'John' on FB to DH. I don't go out to lunch with local male friends unless we're in a group. I don't invite them over to my house if I'm home alone.
DH's best friend is female - that's fine with me. He's always been aboveboard about their relationship - I know her and we get along fine but she's his friend more than mine.
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Post by pjaye on Mar 4, 2019 3:18:14 GMT
You post things as if you live in a vacuum and as if your recent actions don't count.
From people in "normal" relationships you are going to get one answer.
However, your current situation is not exactly normal, so the answers you are getting won't really apply to you.
From a recent post of yours:
You met him on Facebook, spent 4 days with him and then 2 months later moved in with him...and it's been what? 3 months now?
Now you are still talking to other men on Facebook...and you really can't see why he has an issue with this?
You met him on Facebook, and flew to another state (leaving your kids behind) to live with him 8 weeks later. I'd say he has some reason to be concerned.
he already knows how easily you moved in with him and he's probably thinking you'd do it again with another man.
He's an alcoholic (currently sober) and has two ex wives. I'm thinking there's a lot more that you're going to find out that you don't like about him, and the same goes for him. He probably wasn't expecting that his new live in girlfriend would spend so much time texting/talking about other men.
Also people you meet in real life and spend time with and get to know, that you add to Facebook, most (not all) of those can be called friends.
Men you meet on Facebook and have never met in real life aren't "friends" and you shouldn't be thinking they can be relied on if this relationship fails.
You've made the decision to go and live with this man...then you need to focus on getting to know him and making it work. Stop constantly texting other men who aren't real friends, stop saying you'll donate a kidney to one of them. instead focus on the actual man you have in front of you. based on just what you post here...no wonder he's insecure.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Mar 4, 2019 3:22:19 GMT
He sounds very insecure. Time to re-evaluate This so much. And I know you've had quite a tough road in the past few years. To be blunt, I would make sure you could afford to rent a place on your own just so you are not emotionally held hostage by your guy. You don't want to "have to" live with him to survive. It makes the relationship unbalanced. Start saving even just a little bit. Start looking at what renting a single room in a boarding house costs, just so that you know your options. (((Hugs))) I don't want you to fall victim to a manipulative man. You are so much better than that, and worth so much more. |
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 3:30:59 GMT
He sounds very insecure. Time to re-evaluate This so much. And I know you've had quite a tough road in the past few years. To be blunt, I would make sure you could afford to rent a place on your own just so you are not emotionally held hostage by your guy. You don't want to "have to" live with him to survive. It makes the relationship unbalanced. Start saving even just a little bit. Start looking at what renting a single room in a boarding house costs, just so that you know your options. (((Hugs))) I don't want you to fall victim to a manipulative man. You are so much better than that, and worth so much more. Thank you for that. He does treat me very well and we get along generally but this one issue keeps cropping up. Not sure what to do about it but it is pretty irritating. I will have to keep an eye on it. I am pretty much his everything and I think he expects the same from me but I am not falling into that trap again as I did it within my marriage and I see where that got me in the end. |
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Post by freecharlie on Mar 4, 2019 3:36:44 GMT
In normal relationships, I think it is fine. I do know others who feel differently. My best friend is Male. He used to be my stand in when dh had to work.
If you are spending too much time hanging with or talking to another guy, I'm sure it will bother someone, especially in a new relationship.
Also, I agree with the post above. You need to worry about this relationship and grow it. You learn and ask something new about this man every day and while that is often normal in a new relationship, it just emphasizes the fact that you barely know this man you've moved across the country to live with.
And since you met him online and he may have been burned by one of his wives, I can see him being nervous since he doesnt really know you either.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 3:39:32 GMT
You post things as if you live in a vacuum and as if your recent actions don't count. From people in "normal" relationships you are going to get one answer. However, your current situation is not exactly normal, so the answers you are getting won't really apply to you. From a recent post of yours: You met him on Facebook, spent 4 days with him and then 2 months later moved in with him...and it's been what? 3 months now? Now you are still talking to other men on Facebook...and you really can't see why he has an issue with this? You met him on Facebook, and flew to another state (leaving your kids behind) to live with him 8 weeks later. I'd say he has some reason to be concerned. he already knows how easily you moved in with him and he's probably thinking you'd do it again with another man. He's an alcoholic (currently sober) and has two ex wives. I'm thinking there's a lot more that you're going to find out that you don't like about him, and the same goes for him. He probably wasn't expecting that his new live in girlfriend would spend so much time texting/talking about other men. Also people you meet in real life and spend time with and get to know, that you add to Facebook, most (not all) of those can be called friends. Men you meet on Facebook and have never met in real life aren't "friends" and you shouldn't be thinking they can be relied on if this relationship fails. You've made the decision to go and live with this man...then you need to focus on getting to know him and making it work. Stop constantly texting other men who aren't real friends, stop saying you'll donate a kidney to one of them. instead focus on the actual man you have in front of you. based on just what you post here...no wonder he's insecure. Well, not sure where to start with everything you wrote but for starters, I did not leave my children behind. They are now grown and welcomed here at any tome. I lived within 5 miles of them for 2 1/2 years after my divorce and barely saw my son especially. He was emotionally manipulative and used me simply for money. He’s 18 now and needs to figure out that I am not his ATM. As far as the men being fake friends, I actually have met most of them in person. Not all of them are Facebook friends. The one in Chicago that I have thought about donating a kidney to at some point is a Facebook friend but I have met in person. I also think that people you meet online can be real friends even if you don’t ever meet in person. And it’s not like I spend a lot of time texting other people. It is a once in a while thing. Maybe once a month or so. Sure, what I did was very quick but I knew my ex-husband for 24 years and now looking back, I don’t think I really knew him much at all. I’ve heard many stories of successful quick relationships. It’s not the amount of time you know someone, it’s the person. Anyway, I appreciate your input but it seems like you are jumping to conclusions on what little I post online. To say that I left my children is pretty harsh when that’s not the case at all. My daughter is almost 22. California never felt like home to me but I do respect that it is home to them. I had visited Pittsburgh many times since my parents grew up here and it does feel comfortable to me. I finally decided to go off and seek my own happiness after giving up myself for my husband and kids. If that makes me a bad mom now, so be it. I gave them all I could and it is up to them to decide their future path now. |
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Post by scrapmaven on Mar 4, 2019 3:40:21 GMT
My best friend is of course, my dh. However, my bff is a man. We've been besties since we were in junior high and now we're talking about retirement. My bff was the pianist at my wedding and has been w/me through every major event in my life, from my Bat Mitzvah as a teenager to both of my parent's funerals. His husband is wonderful, too. We're brother and sister in every way, except biologically. Dh and bff get along really well, too.
There is nothing romantic at all. I've been in love w/dh since we were in high school and even when we broke up, went our separate ways for a few years I always loved dh. My bff is not a threat to my marriage. He's an uncle to my now grown children and we will always be besties. However, dh will always be the man that has my heart. There' s a huge difference. So , yes. I do think that you can be friends w/people of the opposite gender, as long as both spouses are in agreement and there is trust and communication in the relationship.
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Mar 4, 2019 3:51:54 GMT
What I’m about to say I hope you don’t take as me being bitchy...things always come across weird via text but I mean this in the nicest way possible...everytime you post about this new guy it causes me to side eye him hard. I just think there is A LOT of things that should have been established before you moved crossed country for him. I followed your whole marriage troubles when they were going on and I could see how you were so unhappy then...you got rid of that dead weight so just be sure you’re not going to be adding more dead weight again into your life. He’s 60..he’s not going to change who he is so that’s something to think about.
I wish you all the best.
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Post by bc2ca on Mar 4, 2019 4:04:26 GMT
Both DH and I have opposite gender friends that predate our relationship. It has never been an issue for us. I think pjaye makes a really good point about your relationship being new and moving pretty quickly. Does he have any women friends? |
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Post by cindyupnorth on Mar 4, 2019 4:26:01 GMT
I’m going to respectfully disagree with you on the internet friends and thinking you know people, even after meeting them 1x. That’s just not possible and you are seeing this now, by getting to know this man you quickly moved in with. I would call them acquaintances rather then friends. Now if you had real friends in the area you were going out with and texting all the time, yea, there might be some concern. Esp since it’s all so new. Also texting internet acquaintances and thinking about giving them a kidney also sounds a bit off the wall. So I can see his concerns. This isn’t quite the normal relationship like pjay said. Are you bored? Have you gotten a job yet?working towards self sufficiency?
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 4:27:36 GMT
Both DH and I have opposite gender friends that predate our relationship. It has never been an issue for us. I think pjaye makes a really good point about your relationship being new and moving pretty quickly. Does he have any women friends? He has some Facebook friends that are women but I guess he does not private message them or hasn’t since he met me. He does talk to them on comments and such on a sports Facebook page, actually the one that I met him on. I think he has been hurt in the past and is projecting that onto me. If I were interested in any of my guy friends romantically, I would not have started a relationship with him. Back in California, I had a guy friend that I would go to the movies with about once a week and that lasted several months. We never once had any inappropriateness between each other. We message each other now once in a while just to get an update on each other’s lives and stuff. That is just one example. |
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Post by Zee on Mar 4, 2019 4:27:42 GMT
Well I fully expected him to have issues just from your first posts about him. Sorry 😒
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Post by bc2ca on Mar 4, 2019 4:32:12 GMT
Both DH and I have opposite gender friends that predate our relationship. It has never been an issue for us. I think pjaye makes a really good point about your relationship being new and moving pretty quickly. Does he have any women friends? He has some Facebook friends that are women but I guess he does not private message them or hasn’t since he met me. He does talk to them on comments and such on a sports Facebook page, actually the one that I met him on. I think he has been hurt in the past and is projecting that onto me. If I were interested in any of my guy friends romantically, I would not have started a relationship with him. Back in California, I had a guy friend that I would go to the movies with about once a week and that lasted several months. We never once had any inappropriateness between each other. We message each other now once in a while just to get an update on each other’s lives and stuff. That is just one example. I was wondering about real life female friends. IME, people who don't have opposite gender real life friends have a harder time seeing that it is possible to be just friends with the opposite gender. |
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 4:38:08 GMT
I’m going to respectfully disagree with you on the internet friends and thinking you know people, even after meeting them 1x. That’s just not possible and you are seeing this now, by getting to know this man you quickly moved in with. I would call them acquaintances rather then friends. Now if you had real friends in the area you were going out with and texting all the time, yea, there might be some concern. Esp since it’s all so new. Also texting internet acquaintances and thinking about giving them a kidney also sounds a bit off the wall. So I can see his concerns. This isn’t quite the normal relationship like pjay said. Are you bored? Have you gotten a job yet?working towards self sufficiency? I don’t think this has much to do with how fast we got into a relationship. Like I said, I knew my ex for 24 years and yet now I feel like I knew nothing about him. I am definitely not bored. I am out and about most days and love exploring my new area. This has nothing to do with the reason I am texting other people occasionally. I have known them for years and we have grown close and met in person (some more than once). It has more to do with him simply not being comfortable with me talking to or even much mentioning another man’s name. He did say his last wife cheated on him with her work husband but I am even a little doubtful about the timing. I think she may have had a work husband who she is now with but I think she was free and clear of him when it happened. He was left both times so that probably makes him a bit more leery than the average bear. I was also left twice, (by the same person), but still I would not mind if he had female friends. |
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 4:38:48 GMT
Well I fully expected him to have issues just from your first posts about him. Sorry 😒 Can you elaborate on that? |
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Deleted
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Jul 5, 2024 4:44:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2019 4:38:56 GMT
Very interesting topic in our household. When current DH and I moved in together, we kept old friends on social media and in real life, however, that grew thin quickly and we both decided to just remain friends with people we haven't been in any relationships with (no exes, no flirty friends...).
DH joked about my not trusting him for the first year we were together. Granted, I've been burned and DH cheated on all 3 of his former wives! We learned to be very honest and upfront and if either of us was uncomfortable with a too-flirty friend, we'd pull back with them or make it crystal clear that we were in a respectful relationship.
It's been almost 11 years that we're together and I haven't worried for a long time, but if either of us made demands on whom we could remain friends with in the beginning, it never would have worked. Good luck!!
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Post by nlwilkins on Mar 4, 2019 4:44:30 GMT
The issue is not if it is OK for us to have good friends of the opposite sex. The issue is if it is OK for YOU to have friends of the opposite sex. Everybody has to make this decision on their own and handle the consequences on their own.
If you are open and above board about yoru relationshps and keep him up to date he might come to accept it, then again it might always be a problem with the two of you. Perhaps if you sat down and had a serious talk about it and agreed to some "rules' he might be able to learn to accept it and be less insecure about it. The rules would give him some control over it all. With that control would possibly come security.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 4:46:38 GMT
What I’m about to say I hope you don’t take as me being bitchy...things always come across weird via text but I mean this in the nicest way possible...everytime you post about this new guy it causes me to side eye him hard. I just think there is A LOT of things that should have been established before you moved crossed country for him. I followed your whole marriage troubles when they were going on and I could see how you were so unhappy then...you got rid of that dead weight so just be sure you’re not going to be adding more dead weight again into your life. He’s 60..he’s not going to change who he is so that’s something to think about. I wish you all the best. Thank you for that. Yes as I am getting settled here, I am definitely looking at things more from what is best for me and not necessarily what is best for anybody else. My kids are grown now and I need to look out for myself. If this situation comes up again, we may even end up going to counseling because it is not something I am willing to budge on. I will not make the mistake of making one person my sole focus again like I did in my marriage. |
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 4, 2019 4:49:06 GMT
The issue is not if it is OK for us to have good friends of the opposite sex. The issue is if it is OK for YOU to have friends of the opposite sex. Everybody has to make this decision on their own and handle the consequences on their own. If you are open and above board about yoru relationshps and keep him up to date he might come to accept it, then again it might always be a problem with the two of you. Perhaps if you sat down and had a serious talk about it and agreed to some "rules' he might be able to learn to accept it and be less insecure about it. The rules would give him some control over it all. With that control would possibly come security. You make a good point. He is 60 and has probably been around the barn a few times and been hurt. However, that is not something I want responsibility for. He either has to trust me or not. If it comes down to it, I would go see a marriage counselor or someone to help us navigate this and maybe other issues that pop up. Otherwise, he treats me like a queen and is very kind and considerate but this issue has come up repeatedly although he says each time that it won’t happen again. |
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