|
|
Post by myboysnme on Jun 23, 2019 22:18:26 GMT
I have a close work friend who has always been kind and thoughtful to me. About 2 months ago her husband needed emergency surgery and was hospitalized 10 days and then home a few weeks. They have an enmeshed, controlling marriage IMO, and he wanted her with him the entire time he was in the hospital and at home, 24 hrs a day, so she used up all of her leave. He would call her when she did come back to work and tell her to please come home he was lonely and bored.
He on the other hand, works for the city and they finagled something where he got his pay even though he had no leave. They just showed him working at home, even though he wasn't. Illegal as hell but financial crisis averted because she ended up on leave without pay. He spends like he's a millionaire - just bought a 2019 Honda Accord for their son who graduated college but isn't working yet because he totalled the other one. They have big debt she says is causing her tons of stress but still overspending.
So he has a second surgery coming up next week. I offered her 2 days of my leave, worth about $700. I mentioned in other threads I am trying to retire, but I cancelled some of my own planned leave to make sure she could get my donated leave to be with him during this upcoming hospitalization and recovery. Another friend and coworker did the same as me to cover the 4 days she said she needs.
We both got a text today saying she called out of work tomorrow to work on clearing off her desk at home to take care of paying her taxes (which are late) and take care of her 22 year old son's financial aid for fall semester. The past 2 weeks when she has been accruing her own leave she has been burning it, calling out as soon as she has half a day on the books. She said she is very stressed out but both the coworker and me have been thinking, "Why is she burning through her leave but she needs our leave to stay home with husband?" Then she is also driving one son 6 hours to the other one's home (both grown men) so they can fly together to relatives for a week, taking 2 days off to do that instead of doing it on the weekend.
So here's the thing. Am I wrong to expect her to use the leave I gave her to care for her husband and not use it to stay home and pay bills? I cancelled my own leave that I could have used to stay home. Is she taking advantage of the fact we gave her leave to just blow it all on whatever? Is she likely so stressed out she isn't thinking straight?
This girl is so sweet and goes out of her way for everyone and if she is stressed out, should I just be like, "Here's the leave, do what you want with it," even though the leave donation program is for health issues, and really if she just saved her own leave she would have enough of her own.
I feel like I wish I didn't give her the leave and I feel like a judgmental bitch for not just letting it go.
|
|
|
|
Post by freecharlie on Jun 23, 2019 22:22:26 GMT
I think you need to look at the leave as a gift. You gifted it to her and now she can use it any way she wants to. Let the rest go as you cannot control her.
I definitely wouldn't be giving her any more leave.
|
|
|
|
Post by jenjie on Jun 23, 2019 22:26:04 GMT
You’ve been very kind. If I understand correctly, you offered your leave days before she asked? I agree with PP who said consider it a gift at this point. But maybe keep in mind for future and don’t feel guilty if you don’t give any more days. They are yours to use or keep.
|
|
|
|
Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Jun 23, 2019 22:32:48 GMT
Being taken advantage of? Maybe, though it doesn't sound like it's necessarily intentional... like, I'm not entirely sure the optics of what she's doing even really occurs to her.
Her life sounds like a bit of a mess right now, and that's just the parts you know about, so consider it a small kindness towards someone who probably really needs one.
|
|
|
|
Post by lucyg on Jun 23, 2019 22:37:40 GMT
I agree with the others. The leave you gave her is gone, so try not to worry about it. But don’t feel you need to keep giving her more. At some point she will need to work out her own problems.
|
|
|
|
Post by 950nancy on Jun 23, 2019 22:42:44 GMT
What's done is done. You can only control what happens the next time.
We had people at work who burned through their days and then got pregnant and wanted days donated. I was that person who showed up to work unless it was truly an emergency and stopped being so generous to those who just needed a mental relief day. Sometimes it takes being taken advantage of to learn what to do the next time. You were nice. You don't need to be a doormat.
|
|
|
|
Post by revirdsuba99 on Jun 23, 2019 22:43:47 GMT
I agree with the others. The leave you gave her is gone, so try not to worry about it. But don’t feel you need to keep giving her more. At some point she will need to work out her own problems. Ditto! Unfortunately, we cannot choose how someone uses a gift! |
|
amom23
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,408 
|
Post by amom23 on Jun 23, 2019 22:44:48 GMT
It was very nice of you to offer her 2 of your leave days. Those days were a gift and it's up to her how she intends to use them (shrug).
|
|
|
|
Post by melodyesch on Jun 23, 2019 22:45:13 GMT
Since there’s nothing you can do about it now, I would just try to let it go. Although next week when she’s whining about having no leave to be with her husband I would personally have a really hard time not reminding her that you and friend donated the time for that purpose. I would wish her well, but no matter what, I would not donate another minute to her.
|
|
|
|
Post by papersilly on Jun 23, 2019 22:47:59 GMT
i would be irked too but what can you do now other than not give her anymore leave? nothing. just consider what you gave her a gift. don't give her anymore.
|
|
|
|
Post by Leone on Jun 23, 2019 22:50:16 GMT
Let it go. It is an act of kindness on your part but think twice before stepping up to help her again.
|
|
|
|
Post by christine58 on Jun 23, 2019 22:51:23 GMT
Is she taking advantage of the fact we gave her leave to just blow it all on whatever? Is she likely so stressed out she isn't thinking straight? She sure is....I'd be taking it back. |
|
jeanninem
Junior Member
Posts: 97
|
Post by jeanninem on Jun 23, 2019 23:00:18 GMT
I don't think she is taking advantage of you. Regardless of the reason, her life sounds like a mess. She seems to have enabled her husband to behave like a child and also her grown sons to act that way as well. She has a lot on her plate and,while you may have intended the time to be for the surgery, she needs other time off to be the only adult in the family. Stress is no joke, nor is being in debt and paying taxes. Look at your time as mental health days for your friend. Sounds like she desperately needs it.
|
|
inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
|
Post by inkedup on Jun 23, 2019 23:02:59 GMT
It was really kind of you and your coworker to give this woman those days. She sounds like a hot mess. I'd do what others suggested; let it go, but don't give her any more of your time.
|
|
|
|
Post by SockMonkey on Jun 23, 2019 23:06:38 GMT
It was really kind of you and your coworker to give this woman those days. She sounds like a hot mess. I'd do what others suggested; let it go, but don't give her any more of your time. I agree with this. She sounds unable to prioritize or make sense of her chaotic life. Unless you can reconcile with yourself that she may just use leave days for anything she wants at the time, you should not offer up any more of your days. It's perfectly acceptable to say, "I'd be happy to make you a casserole or order you a pizza for dinner, but I can't offer up any more of my leave." |
|
kelly8875
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,407
Location: Lost in my supplies...
|
Post by kelly8875 on Jun 23, 2019 23:07:26 GMT
I think it sounds like life is just a whirlwind of a hot mess for her. She likely doesn’t even know if she should scratch her watch or wind her butt, lol.
Just consider the days you have her as a gift, and she needs them for whatever helps her get some mental control. You’re a very nice friend to give her those, you’re better off to not think it any further.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 3:09:04 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2019 23:08:43 GMT
You can’t get it back and now you know not to donate your time anymore.
|
|
pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,147
|
Post by pilcas on Jun 23, 2019 23:29:18 GMT
You were very kind. As others have said, she is a hot mess and her husband is... not very nice. Think of those days as a gift but don’t feel bad for not giving her anymore. You have your own goals.
|
|
|
|
Post by pierkiss on Jun 23, 2019 23:34:52 GMT
You’re not wrong to feel upset. I would be upset too. For sure don’t give her more, and don’t feel bad when she doesn’t have enough to care for her husband. Just try and let it go.
|
|
|
|
Post by hop2 on Jun 23, 2019 23:45:01 GMT
Where I work donated leave can ONLY be used for FMLA leave. To heal yourself or care for a family member OR a direct family member funeral
So no your not being unreasonable to expect that your donated leave be used for the purpose it was intended
|
|
|
|
Post by annabella on Jun 23, 2019 23:49:39 GMT
I wouldn’t have given her my leave. My company allows me to take sick leave to take of family.
|
|
|
|
Post by myboysnme on Jun 24, 2019 0:19:57 GMT
Where I work donated leave can ONLY be used for FMLA leave. To heal yourself or care for a family member OR a direct family member funeral That's what our leave was donated for - FMLA. She is using up the leave she accrued that she could use to care for her spouse because she knows she has our leave. I am so appreciative of everyone's comments. I really like her and she is a good person but I hate her choices, which are her business I know. |
|
|
|
Post by grammadee on Jun 24, 2019 0:31:40 GMT
I agree with others that once you have given a gift you have to let go of how the recipient uses it. Not that it would apply since you are retiring soon, but after this I would not be giving her any more of my leave since she is not saving her own.
Sounds like she is super stressed and is not making rational decisions.
|
|
anaterra
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,082
Location: Texas
Jun 29, 2014 3:04:02 GMT
|
Post by anaterra on Jun 24, 2019 0:33:46 GMT
I would not be able to keep my mouth shut... I already would've said... look friend love you lots.. but seriously man what the fuck??!!! She would definitely know I was not pleased with how things were going down with her leave vs my leave gift... I have no issue saying something.. at least so she is aware!!
But my friends know I'm pretty vocal and very blunt...
|
|
LeaP
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,939
Location: Los Angeles, CA where 405 meets 101
|
Post by LeaP on Jun 24, 2019 0:38:48 GMT
You did a very kind thing. Sleep well at night knowing you are a nice, generous person and feel a pinch of annoyance as well. Be glad your life is not like that.
|
|
|
|
Post by Lexica on Jun 24, 2019 0:40:08 GMT
I don't think she is intentionally taking advantage of you. She probably isn't even aware of how this is being perceived by those of you that donated. I agree with everyone saying to consider the leave you donated as a gift. The woman is being pulled in multiple directions by her family members. It is unfortunate, but seems to be the way her family is used to treating her. The time you gifted will undoubtedly take some pressure off of her during this very stressful period. She isn't making the decisions you or I would do, but I am fairly confident that you and I would not put up with being at everyone’s beck and call like she is doing either. She must get something out of it to continue to allow herself to be treated this way.
|
|
|
|
Post by mustlovecats on Jun 24, 2019 0:44:14 GMT
This just sounds like a woman in a really bad situation. Perhaps your donated leave gave her a little breathing room and kept her emotionally afloat. You did a nice thing giving it to her and you never know what impact you may have had.
|
|
|
|
Post by mikklynn on Jun 24, 2019 1:29:12 GMT
I think you need to look at the leave as a gift. You gifted it to her and now she can use it any way she wants to. Let the rest go as you cannot control her. I definitely wouldn't be giving her any more leave. I agree with all of this. It was very generous of you. |
|
scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,826
|
Post by scrapngranny on Jun 24, 2019 1:34:46 GMT
You did the compassionate thing, she is abusing your generosity.
|
|
|
|
Post by iamkristinl16 on Jun 24, 2019 1:35:56 GMT
I think she is probably very stressed and trying to manage things. But I don’t think she is doing a very good job of it if she is not being responsible in how she Is using the time off.
|
|
