StephDRebel
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,691
Location: Ohio
Jul 5, 2014 1:53:49 GMT
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Post by StephDRebel on Jul 21, 2019 19:06:38 GMT
And I don't know what to do. I'm not ok.
He has 2 hours before his grandfather gets here to help him drive. He has spent tons of time with his friends and spent last night at his best friends house before he came over here to pack. He told me how hard it was to say goodbye and then that he had to go finish packing.
I asked him about documents he would need and he snapped at me. I can't stop crying so I just left while he packs to sit in the car so he didn't see it. I don't know where else to go, the house isn't big enough for it not to turn into a thing but I have so much emotion that no matter what I do I can't stop the tears so in the car I sit.
I dont know what to do.
Two hours is what I need to make it through and then it doesnt matter.
Two hours to get my shit together and keep it that way.
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Post by christine58 on Jul 21, 2019 19:07:42 GMT
Where is he headed??
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StephDRebel
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,691
Location: Ohio
Jul 5, 2014 1:53:49 GMT
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Post by StephDRebel on Jul 21, 2019 19:09:39 GMT
Florida, to be closer to his dad who never wanted anything to do with him.
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Post by 950nancy on Jul 21, 2019 19:12:01 GMT
Steph, that really sucks. It is hard being a mom and investing your heart into your kids. Having him leave for the reason he is must make it even more challenging. I don't know how old he is, but perhaps he'll find that Florida isn't for him and come back.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Jul 21, 2019 19:14:26 GMT
Mine moved to Japan to be near his dad FOR A YEAR!!!! That was all I heard. He got off the plane, had not gone through immigration yet and called to beg me to let him come home that day. There were tears and frustration. I told him to spend a week with his dad and he came home a month later to go to school. 🤷🏼♀️
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,012
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Jul 21, 2019 19:15:30 GMT
((hugs)) no words of wisdom, but he knows, like we know, that you are his rock. He probably doesn't know how to make his exit in a mature thoughtful way.
((hugs))
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Post by chlerbie on Jul 21, 2019 19:16:03 GMT
I'm sorry. Particularly for the reason that he's leaving, which must make it really hard for you. But having sort of been there done that in loving and wanting a relationship with a parent who didn't really care about me, it's hard to come to that realization. He may think by doing this, he's going to have the relationship he's dreamed of. If that becomes a reality, that's wonderful--if if doesn't, he'll realize it pretty quick and likely return to you.
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johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,684
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Jul 21, 2019 19:17:28 GMT
(((hugs))) I'm guessing some of his asshat behavior is because he's scared/nervous but that doesn't excuse it, hopefully he gets his act together to at least say a decent goodbye before he leaves. And who knows, maybe he'll wind up coming back once he finally sees what he's missing.
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trollie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,580
Jul 2, 2014 22:14:02 GMT
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Post by trollie on Jul 21, 2019 19:17:59 GMT
I'm sorry Steph. It's hard when our kids leave the nest. I'm sorry he snapped at you. When our kids do this, I think to myself, they feel safe here, otherwise they wouldn't do stuff like that. He knows you love him unconditionally. You're a great mom. Things will be ok. (((BIG HUGS)))
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 21, 2019 19:19:06 GMT
I'm sorry ((hugs))
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Post by needmysanity on Jul 21, 2019 19:20:24 GMT
I'm so sorry. No matter how good/bad the circumstances are, having a child move out is tough. I hope you two can work on your relationship when he is gone - maybe it will become stronger because he will realize how amazing you are.
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Post by *Shannon on Jul 21, 2019 19:21:22 GMT
Steph - my daughter moved out a few weeks ago, not under horrible terms, but not under the best. I was heart-broken and still am. She's close though, and I see her about once a week. I can't imagine your heartbreak, him going so far and for the reason you stated. I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. I agree with wellway... he doesn't know how to do this in a graceful way. I hope things go well and that you're more at peace with this before too long. ((hugs))
P.S. You don't have to get your shit together and keep it together - at least not all of it. Maybe just get a tiny bit of it together. I understand not wanting to come across as an emotional mess... but you are. And that's ok. I imagine if this were a more "normal" move things wouldn't be as tense.
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Post by christine58 on Jul 21, 2019 19:25:03 GMT
Florida, to be closer to his dad who never wanted anything to do with him. FUCK
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Post by cakediva on Jul 21, 2019 19:27:28 GMT
Hugs Steph - I've only had my girls move away for school - my oldest is only 25 minutes away and my middle is 2.5 hours away. It still sucks. I can't imagine that big a distance.
Hang in there Momma....
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YooHoot
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,432
Jun 26, 2014 3:11:50 GMT
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Post by YooHoot on Jul 21, 2019 19:27:28 GMT
Perhaps each time you "offer a suggestion or a question" he takes it as another reason you don't want him to go. I suggest you offer no suggestions, don't remind him of this or that, just sit back and let this happen. Sometimes kids have to make a mistake or two to figure it out. And he will. They really don't see the bigger picture and nothing you say or do will make him see it any different.
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Post by Skellinton on Jul 21, 2019 19:28:40 GMT
I'm sorry. Particularly for the reason that he's leaving, which must make it really hard for you. But having sort of been there done that in loving and wanting a relationship with a parent who didn't really care about me, it's hard to come to that realization. He may think by doing this, he's going to have the relationship he's dreamed of. If that becomes a reality, that's wonderful--if if doesn't, he'll realize it pretty quick and likely return to you. Exactly. He has probably romanticized his relationship with his dad and the reality will likely be quite different. In any event he likely needs to get it out of his system. It could turn out his dad has changed and they will end up with a good relationship, which won’t take anything away from your relationship with him. It will be hard, I know, and it will suck seeing him have a relationship with someone else when you worked your ass off to provide for him and raise him by yourself. I think being annoyed and hurt is normal. You will just have to remind yourself that it doesn’t change how your son feels about you. Just like you love all your kids for different reasons and in different ways, when you had your second kid it didn’t lesson your love for your first, your son having a relationship with his father shouldn’t change how he feels about you. That being said, it sucks. Feel sad, cry, do what ever you have to do to feel better. Take care of yourself. In all likelihood your son will see the grass is not greener on the other side and will return with a new appreciation for you.
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Post by Merge on Jul 21, 2019 19:28:40 GMT
I’m sorry. I can’t imagine how hard this is. I know you’ll be strong, and then we’ll all hope he sees the light soon and moves back.
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StephDRebel
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,691
Location: Ohio
Jul 5, 2014 1:53:49 GMT
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Post by StephDRebel on Jul 21, 2019 19:31:51 GMT
Hes not moving in with his dad, but his grandparents until his apartment is ready after thanksgiving. He will be ok as long as he remembers who he is.
It's really not about that as much as the fact that hes moving 16 hours away and hasn't made time for a conversation, let alone a meal together or anything else despite my asking repeatedly.
I know my mindset right now is that he prioritized his priorities and I'm not on the list other than to tell me how much he will miss everyone but me.
I think I'm going to go see a movie to distract myself.
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kibblesandbits
Pearl Clutcher
At the corner of Awesome and Bombdiggity
Posts: 3,305
Aug 13, 2016 13:47:39 GMT
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Post by kibblesandbits on Jul 21, 2019 19:34:36 GMT
I know your feelings must be terribly hurt. I'm sorry. A movie is a good idea.
Distract yourself and let him figure himself out. It's tough. Been there, done that.
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Post by grate on Jul 21, 2019 19:35:08 GMT
you can let him see you upset. Sometimes kids need to go through something on their own and figure out the grass is not always greener on the other side. Not knowing about a relationship with his dad may eat at him forever if he doesn't take a chance. I agree, his snappiness may be nerves, he knows YOU love him and want him around.
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Post by 950nancy on Jul 21, 2019 19:35:50 GMT
Hes not moving in with his dad, but his grandparents until his apartment is ready after thanksgiving. He will be ok as long as he remembers who he is. It's really not about that as much as the fact that hes moving 16 hours away and hasn't made time for a conversation, let alone a meal together or anything else despite my asking repeatedly. I know my mindset right now is that he prioritized his priorities and I'm not on the list other than to tell me how much he will miss everyone but me. I think I'm going to go see a movie to distract myself. He's probably avoiding you because you will be the hardest one to leave. FOR SURE. I think guys have a harder time expressing what they are feeling and get very good at pushing it all down.
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Post by catck on Jul 21, 2019 19:47:23 GMT
Hugs. Hope things improve once he is in Florida. So hard letting go
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 29, 2024 5:23:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2019 19:48:01 GMT
Hes not moving in with his dad, but his grandparents until his apartment is ready after thanksgiving. He will be ok as long as he remembers who he is. It's really not about that as much as the fact that hes moving 16 hours away and hasn't made time for a conversation, let alone a meal together or anything else despite my asking repeatedly. I know my mindset right now is that he prioritized his priorities and I'm not on the list other than to tell me how much he will miss everyone but me. I think I'm going to go see a movie to distract myself. Something we learned from chaplains in the military that might help you: YOu can't leave someone you are dependent on and tightly bonded to. The tighter the bonds the likely it is the fights will be big right before departure. His actions and seeming disinterest in you are signs he is overwhelmingly attached to you right now. In order to leave he has a defense mechanism of treating you like this is a normal day at best and like he dislikes you at worst. Do your best to not take it personally so it doesn't permanently ruin the relationship (although it WILL alter it from childhood dependency to more of a peer relationship) cry in private. Detach as much as you can from the moment. Don't remind or suggest anything. Let this be his deal. Do remind him he is welcome home at any time. Letting go is HARD. No lies about that. But it will be ok in the end. He has to make this journey to come to terms with his dad's lack of relationship. It is about him, not about you.
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Post by danor98 on Jul 21, 2019 19:49:10 GMT
Steph.... You have received tons of support and anything I would say would just be repetitive.
My only new thought is this....I have seen this with my mom when I would leave for a trip, my son, a million times when he was leaving and most recently with my husband, Friday, the day before he left for a new job in FL. The common denominator is “leaving”, I think some people would rather leave a loved one on a sea of anger rather than love and sadness. I think some people just pick a fight or cause anger to soothe themselves. Love and hugs to you🥰
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Jul 21, 2019 19:49:17 GMT
StephDRebel The feeling of rejection is one of the hardest things to deal with. BTDT! He knows he is not handling this well. He does know that your 3 boys were your first priority for many many years. He will find out soon enough how much he misses you, but will be hard pressed to tell you right away, but it will happen! You have raised your boys right! (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))
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StephDRebel
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,691
Location: Ohio
Jul 5, 2014 1:53:49 GMT
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Post by StephDRebel on Jul 21, 2019 19:57:56 GMT
I dont know how to transition from prepping for saying goodbye to not saying goodbye at all.
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Post by hop2 on Jul 21, 2019 20:51:39 GMT
Hes not moving in with his dad, but his grandparents until his apartment is ready after thanksgiving. He will be ok as long as he remembers who he is. It's really not about that as much as the fact that hes moving 16 hours away and hasn't made time for a conversation, let alone a meal together or anything else despite my asking repeatedly. I know my mindset right now is that he prioritized his priorities and I'm not on the list other than to tell me how much he will miss everyone but me. I think I'm going to go see a movie to distract myself. Sounds to me like he loves you enough to unburden to you. My relationship with my DD is this way. I jokingly say I’m her ‘garbage pail’ where she says all of the things she can’t safely tell anyone else. Including now whilst she is on the other side of the world I get the issues & problems. She’s better now at including the triumph too since we talked about it. Hugs
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Post by librarylady on Jul 21, 2019 21:24:30 GMT
Florida, to be closer to his dad who never wanted anything to do with him. Based upon that, he will probably return to your area within a year.
FWIW A psychologist said that children who are leaving home, and the parent/s, often have a big fight/argument. Reason: It is emotionally difficult and the child and parent want to grow up and leave, but yet want to stay. Having a big fight around the time makes it easier to actually leave.
I don't remember your son's age, but if he is 18 or older, he and you are caught in the "leaving the nest" fight.
It will all be OK.....painful, but OK.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Jul 21, 2019 21:33:55 GMT
((((Hugs)))) Steph.
He knows you're his rock. Knows he can act out, or distance himself, or do anything, because he knows you always have and always will be there for him.
As for moving closer to his father, he might be unconsciously looking for answers, looking for closure. His dad not being there for him, and there might be a part of him that needs to go figure out why on his own.
Near or far, you still have him. It's hard for him to say the goodbyes because he'll miss you most.
(((Hugs))) It'll be okay.
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janeinbama
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,200
Location: Alabama
Jan 29, 2015 16:24:49 GMT
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Post by janeinbama on Jul 21, 2019 21:35:01 GMT
You are a great Mom and have raised your kids to be thoughtful, caring adults. I hope his grandparents are decent people, and he will learn the truth about his sperm donor. He thinks he is an adult and is going on a grand adventure. MOM will be back on speed dial in the near future.
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