scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,826 
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Post by scrapngranny on Aug 31, 2019 1:35:37 GMT
I have 7 grandchildren. I told each of my children I did not want to be “daycare granny”. I wanted a fun, no rules relationship with them. My son’s wife is the only mom that works, so that didn’t impact the majority. I was always available to take the kids when care was an issue. I just didn’t want to do it all the time. Maybe just don’t share the photos.
I would not put up with nonsense rules about the beach or park. I would not provide free daycare and follow rules that have nothing to do with their health or safety. When my grandchildren kids little I would follow rules about food and sleep. Now that they are all older, there are no rules. You want cookie while I’m cooking dinner, fine. You want ice cream for breakfast, what flavor? They can stay up until 10 or 11. These are special treats when they spend the night or a whole day. I make them wear sun screen, use their helmets on their bikes and wear seatbelts. They are safe and healthy when their parents get home.
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Post by mnmloveli on Aug 31, 2019 1:39:12 GMT
YOU are an awesome Grandma and they are lucky to have you !!!! Your son and daughter-in-law need a reality check. Tell them your daily FREE full-time loving care will continue as you see fit until they choose to find someone else.
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IAmUnoriginal
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,894
Jun 25, 2014 23:27:45 GMT
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Post by IAmUnoriginal on Aug 31, 2019 2:02:33 GMT
It’s probably a good time for a conversation about the future of caring for your granddaughter . You said you have concerns about caring for her after she’s mobile. That’s right around the corner. She’ll be crawling real soon and pulling up on furniture before winter. The way your son and DIL are behaving, they’ll have an absolute fit if those firsts happen in front of you instead of them. I’d tell them it’s time to start transitioning the baby to the care of another caregiver, be that an in home provider or daycare center or DIL’s family steps up. Free care is never free. There’s a price - your DS’s’ and DIL’s price is that they HAVE to let you live your life while their DD tags along for fun with Gram. If they want absolute control over what DD does day in and day out, they need to hire a caregiver. Then, if they are dissatisfied, they can fire them and try another. Hard to fire Grandma. They are taking advantage of you because you retired. You don’t have to work so your time doesn’t have value to them. Make it have value. Offer to keep her 2-3 days a week until her 1st birthday, but only if these outbursts over firsts and activities stop. If they want to pay you for your services, you can discuss limits on activities. Otherwise, they need to enjoy their financial savings while you enjoy your retirement.
If you do keep the 2-3 days a week, I would set absolute limits on the free hours with your son. He might have to stay late some of the time, but other times, he’s choosing to stay late. (The teachers’ parking lot at my YDS’s school is empty everyday by 3:15p. School is out at 2:30p). You have the baby and are doing all the care. If he picks her up, it’s on him. It’s easier to “stay late” and let it get closer to the time that DIL is home to take over baby’s care. My DH used to pull this crap. He’d leave LO at daycare (neighbor), come home and have some alone time, and go pick him up either right before I got home from work or expect me to stop and pick DS up from the sitter. Drove me mad. She gave us a good deal, worked with my DH’s weird schedule, and was so good to DS. But, DH didn’t want to do the high maintenance baby care. He wanted to relax. So, he found ways around picking up our DS. Set a time limit on your DS. If school is over at 3, he needs to get his DD by 4. If he’s not there by 4, your rate is $20 per hour for overtime, paid at pick up. Seriously.
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dantemia
Full Member
Posts: 315
Jun 27, 2014 19:28:17 GMT
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Post by dantemia on Aug 31, 2019 2:08:01 GMT
We were very fortunate - my mom watched both my kids from 8 weeks on. But I didn’t have any crazy rules. She would ask me if it was okay to take them places or eat something new.
They are being ridiculous- it isn’t like you took her for her first haircut or to Disneyland.
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Post by melrose on Aug 31, 2019 2:10:37 GMT
I would have had 2 words for them: I quit. I might give 2 weeks notice, maybe 4 weeks but I love the I QUIT! |
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Post by gritzi on Aug 31, 2019 2:16:22 GMT
Personally, I think their expectations are beyond ridiculous! You're being criticized and taken advantage of instead of appreciated for spending time, planning activities & taking care of your granddaughter for free . I think it's time to have a calm conversation with your son telling him that it's time they find childcare. You deserve to be a fun, loving grandmother vs disrespected and walking on pins & needles for fear of choosing the wrong (in their eyes) activities with their daughter. You're currently in a no-win situation.
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Post by snugglebutter on Aug 31, 2019 2:25:25 GMT
Didn't we have another thread like this recently where the parents didn't want Grandma taking the baby anywhere? I can't remember if that one was resolved.
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Post by alexa11 on Aug 31, 2019 2:33:52 GMT
I agree with what has been said. You are a better person than I am because I told my DD that lives here in town that I wasn't going to be the daycare. I am retired, but still don't want to spend my days baby sitting. I want to spend time with my granddaughter when I choose to.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 9:21:02 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2019 2:34:57 GMT
I have 7 grandchildren. I told each of my children I did not want to be “daycare granny”. I wanted a fun, no rules relationship with them. My son’s wife is the only mom that works, so that didn’t impact the majority. I was always available to take the kids when care was an issue. I just didn’t want to do it all the time. Maybe just don’t share the photos. I would not put up with nonsense rules about the beach or park. I would not provide free daycare and follow rules that have nothing to do with their health or safety. When my grandchildren kids little I would follow rules about food and sleep. Now that they are all older, there are no rules. You want cookie while I’m cooking dinner, fine. You want ice cream for breakfast, what flavor? They can stay up until 10 or 11. These are special treats when they spend the night or a whole day. I make them wear sun screen, use their helmets on their bikes and wear seatbelts. They are safe and healthy when their parents get home. This! Some parents have a “what can you do for me” attitude about grandparenting. Uh uh. I raised my kids and now it’s my turn to enjoy the little ones without the daily stress. Your son and DIL need to take a step back and decide what’s important. If they can’t afford to pay daycare, then one of them needs to be a stay at home parent. If DIL needs to be first with everything then SHE needs to stay home and provide the firsts with her child. Period. And if your pictures keep sending her off the deep end, stop sending the pictures! What happens at granny’s Stays at granny’s. 😆 I’m sorry you are dealing with this. Retirement is your time to shine! |
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,378
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Aug 31, 2019 2:51:59 GMT
Good luck with that. I can’t imagine saying these things the kids say to their parents these days who watching their grandchildren. . I would’ve loved to have had any free babysitting. My son and daughter-in-law are the exact same way about supposed firsts. We had a similar conversation with the babysitter and I took my granddaughter to a playground and put her in a swing. I just got put in the doghouse yesterday by my son or should I say by my daughter and my son. I don’t babysit by myself yet because I’m still dealing with medical issues. However since the baby has been little she’s been fascinated by McDonald’s cups. I usually arrive with either an ice tea or Diet Coke from McDonald’s. Yesterday Ira after I arrived, my son texted me from his home office to tell me I’m no longer allowed to give my granddaughter the empty McDonald’s cup with a straw after it’s been rinsed. She loves to pull the straw and put it back in and over and over and over. Apparently this is causing them issues when they dine out. Then my daughter-in-law arrived home a couple hours later and I was sitting in the driveway with the granddaughter in the passenger seat. I was parked behind their babysitter and I had move my car out so she couldn’t get her car out. Then I pulled my car back in. Apparently I’m an asshole grandmother because the baby was not buckled in a seat. She literally was in the road for 15 seconds in their subdivision not on the highway. It wasn’t so much what they said it was how they said it, like I’m an imbecile. I managed to raise two children to adulthood without killing either of them. It upset me so much that I actually canceled having them come over this weekend with a made up excuses. I just don’t really want to be around them right now. I love them and I love my granddaughter but I don’t like to be treated like a fool. There’s no way in hell I would take my granddaughter in my car anywhere without her properly been buckled in. To me backing out on the road doesn’t have any traffic is not taking her somewhere and I’m not even sure she was aware the car moved she was busy playing with things she found in my counsel. I guess I just don’t see the crime. The car seat thing would be unforgivable to me. You wouldn’t be trusted with my kid for a long time. You really don’t think car accidents ever happen when you’re backing out of a driveway? You’re entitled to your opinion. |
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,378
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Aug 31, 2019 2:54:00 GMT
Then my daughter-in-law arrived home a couple hours later and I was sitting in the driveway with the granddaughter in the passenger seat. I was parked behind their babysitter and I had move my car out so she couldn’t get her car out. Then I pulled my car back in. Apparently I’m an asshole grandmother because the baby was not buckled in a seat. She literally was in the road for 15 seconds in their subdivision not on the highway. It wasn’t so much what they said it was how they said it, like I’m an imbecile. I managed to raise two children to adulthood without killing either of them. It upset me so much that I actually canceled having them come over this weekend with a made up excuses. I just don’t really want to be around them right now. I love them and I love my granddaughter but I don’t like to be treated like a fool. There’s no way in hell I would take my granddaughter in my car anywhere without her properly been buckled in. To me backing out on the road doesn’t have any traffic is not taking her somewhere and I’m not even sure she was aware the car moved she was busy playing with things she found in my counsel. I guess I just don’t see the crime. I’m very sorry they spoke so disrespectfully to you and hurt your feelings, that is not in any way okay. I do agree with them about the seatbelt though. My car doesn’t move until everyone is buckled. You just never know what could happen, and people speed in neighborhoods all the time. An animal could have run behind your car and you probably would have automatically slammed on the breaks. Just not worth the risk. For me this is a safety issue I wouldn’t be willing to bend on, even if that meant the loss of help from someone. Probably a good thing you’re not my DIL then. |
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Post by Basket1lady on Aug 31, 2019 2:54:31 GMT
Good luck with that. I can’t imagine saying these things the kids say to their parents these days who watching their grandchildren. . I would’ve loved to have had any free babysitting. My son and daughter-in-law are the exact same way about supposed firsts. We had a similar conversation with the babysitter and I took my granddaughter to a playground and put her in a swing. I just got put in the doghouse yesterday by my son or should I say by my daughter and my son. I don’t babysit by myself yet because I’m still dealing with medical issues. However since the baby has been little she’s been fascinated by McDonald’s cups. I usually arrive with either an ice tea or Diet Coke from McDonald’s. Yesterday Ira after I arrived, my son texted me from his home office to tell me I’m no longer allowed to give my granddaughter the empty McDonald’s cup with a straw after it’s been rinsed. She loves to pull the straw and put it back in and over and over and over. Apparently this is causing them issues when they dine out. Then my daughter-in-law arrived home a couple hours later and I was sitting in the driveway with the granddaughter in the passenger seat. I was parked behind their babysitter and I had move my car out so she couldn’t get her car out. Then I pulled my car back in. Apparently I’m an asshole grandmother because the baby was not buckled in a seat. She literally was in the road for 15 seconds in their subdivision not on the highway. It wasn’t so much what they said it was how they said it, like I’m an imbecile. I managed to raise two children to adulthood without killing either of them. It upset me so much that I actually canceled having them come over this weekend with a made up excuses. I just don’t really want to be around them right now. I love them and I love my granddaughter but I don’t like to be treated like a fool. There’s no way in hell I would take my granddaughter in my car anywhere without her properly been buckled in. To me backing out on the road doesn’t have any traffic is not taking her somewhere and I’m not even sure she was aware the car moved she was busy playing with things she found in my counsel. I guess I just don’t see the crime. I’ll sit with you on the McDonald’s cup. It’s probably annoying to the parent to have the baby grabbing at cups, but she will outgrow that quickly. But the car seat thing—no. If the child rides in the car once without a car seat, they may pitch a fit the next time they have to ride in the seat. My DS could undo the straps before he was 2. Kids are smart. Anything could happen—that’s why they are called accidents. And if your health isn’t good enough for you to babysit alone, there’s double the reason to put the baby in a car seat. Every time. No exceptions. |
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Post by myshelly on Aug 31, 2019 2:55:12 GMT
The car seat thing would be unforgivable to me. You wouldn’t be trusted with my kid for a long time. You really don’t think car accidents ever happen when you’re backing out of a driveway? You’re entitled to your opinion. And your DIL has a good reason to treat you like an imbecile. |
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,378
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Aug 31, 2019 2:59:06 GMT
You’re entitled to your opinion. And your DIL has a good reason to treat you like an imbecile. Quite likely. 😂 |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 9:21:02 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2019 3:03:27 GMT
I have 7 grandchildren. I told each of my children I did not want to be “daycare granny”. I wanted a fun, no rules relationship with them. My son’s wife is the only mom that works, so that didn’t impact the majority. I was always available to take the kids when care was an issue. I just didn’t want to do it all the time. Maybe just don’t share the photos. I would not put up with nonsense rules about the beach or park. I would not provide free daycare and follow rules that have nothing to do with their health or safety. When my grandchildren kids little I would follow rules about food and sleep. Now that they are all older, there are no rules. You want cookie while I’m cooking dinner, fine. You want ice cream for breakfast, what flavor? They can stay up until 10 or 11. These are special treats when they spend the night or a whole day. I make them wear sun screen, use their helmets on their bikes and wear seatbelts. They are safe and healthy when their parents get home. I love you granny! |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 9:21:02 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2019 3:04:03 GMT
First rule of daycare fight club... no baby EVER does their first ____ at the daycare.
Take your photos and stop sharing them.
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Loydene
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,639
Location: Albuquerque, New Mexico
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Post by Loydene on Aug 31, 2019 3:04:04 GMT
I totally understand that you want to keep the peace with your son and DIL - and be able to see the grandchild. But they are being ridiculous.
Take the baby where you want - Don't send any photos ....
Done.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 9:21:02 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2019 3:08:09 GMT
Re the car seat issue. My grandkids never enter my car without being buckled into their car seat that has been installed by their father. If I have to remove said car seat for a car repair, the father has to reinstall that car seat before I haul that baby anywhere. And I can go to a fire station & have the car seat fitting checked. That’s a non issue.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 9:21:02 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2019 3:08:42 GMT
First rule of daycare fight club... no baby EVER does their first ____ at the daycare. Take your photos and stop sharing them. Absolutely!! |
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,378
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Aug 31, 2019 3:10:24 GMT
First rule of daycare fight club... no baby EVER does their first ____ at the daycare. Take your photos and stop sharing them. That’s the rule I live by. I never say she did anything new until they tell me first. |
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Post by snugglebutter on Aug 31, 2019 3:15:23 GMT
I completely agree with you, and we always let our family members we trusted to watch our kids decide what they would like to do with them while babysitting. They knew the general rules we had for our kids and beside following the basics, we were thankful and grateful for any extra efforts to entertain our kids while babysitting. This kind of thing with new moms is becoming so popular! You can get an inside look in the forums of Baby center's DWIL board. OOOOHHH boy, I hope your dil isn't reading there  community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dwil_nationI've read a number of DWIL threads over there and the first thing they will tell anyone who is getting free childcare (or housing) from the "problem" grandparent is to pay for professionals. (or their own place) I don't think they would have sympathy for the OP's ds/dil. If they had said something like "please do not post the baby's picture on social media" or "please give her the foods we provide" and the OP didn't comply, that would be a problem. Taking the baby on stroller walks is just fine! It's probably better for you to give notice. I don't know what the waitlists for daycare are like where you live but I wouldn't delay. |
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Post by dewryce on Aug 31, 2019 3:20:16 GMT
I’m very sorry they spoke so disrespectfully to you and hurt your feelings, that is not in any way okay. I do agree with them about the seatbelt though. My car doesn’t move until everyone is buckled. You just never know what could happen, and people speed in neighborhoods all the time. An animal could have run behind your car and you probably would have automatically slammed on the breaks. Just not worth the risk. For me this is a safety issue I wouldn’t be willing to bend on, even if that meant the loss of help from someone. Probably a good thing you’re not my DIL then. Probably. |
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Post by Scrapper100 on Aug 31, 2019 3:23:05 GMT
I was expecting to hear a crazy grandma story about some things grandma was doing. something really crazy. We had rules when babysitting but it was for medical reasons. Of course it was just a few nights a month vs daily to.
You are providing free daycare and should be allowed to leave your house. It's good for you and good for the baby. I can understand wanting to do things first but you should be allowed to go places. It's not like you are taking the child to Disney lol it's just the park.
A good heart to heart with your son is in order. I hate to say get a list of places that are ok to go as that just sounds so controlling but if you are to continue caring for your grandchild daily you need more freedom. I understand you going stir crazy if you have to stay home every day. I would have gone nuts when I was a SAHM with a little. Like you said you didn't retire just to stay home with their child. I am sure you had lots of other plans. Some sort of compromise needs to be agreed upon as it's not fair to you. She needs to either learn to trust you or find alternate care. Do you want to take care of the baby if allowed to go out? Or are you just feeling taken advantage of at this point. I can't imagine having the mother constantly annoyed with me. Good luck.
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Post by grammadee on Aug 31, 2019 3:23:45 GMT
Awww.... She is such a sweetie and I have loved seeing her happy smiles looking at Gramma's camera! This is a tough one, b/c while you don't want to be the sole care giver, you DO want to continue to have fun times with her. When I spend time with my dgk's I send pic's every day so that the parents feel a connection with the kids and so they can talk about what they did later. Not bragging "Nah nah nah na na, look what I got to do with your kid!" But "Here is proof that your kid was happy and well cared for today."
I like the suggestion above that you make a list of stuff you plan to do with your dgd over the next few months, and tell them this is a heads up so if they want to do these things FIRST they can start now.
Either that, or give them notice that after October 1st, say, you will be able to care for the little one on Monday/Wednesday/Friday (or some other combination of days) and that you have other plans for the rest of the week.
I hope you can work this out, b/c I know how much you love that little sweet cheeks.
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Post by fredfreddy44 on Aug 31, 2019 3:36:31 GMT
You are a freaking saint and they are nuts and ungrateful.
We have one grandson, almost 4, and told dd two seconds after she announced her pregnancy that were not to be daycare grandparents. She only took advantage of us once when she was out at a bar 2 hours past the time she said she would be and grandson was at an age where he would not sleep without mom. She did not do that again.
I am pleasantly watching my grandson right now. He is sitting next to me eating his dinner 30 minutes after we did because he was too busy playing Thomas trains. I am much more flexible now.
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Post by lucyg on Aug 31, 2019 3:51:41 GMT
They are wrong to make these kinds of demands on you. You are very generous with your time and attention. Their rules should be things like never leave her alone in the bathtub; always use her car seat in the car; don’t feed her sugar all day long. Basic health and safety issues. Beyond that, they need to let you do your thing.
I have a different situation with my grandson. He is 10 and has mostly lived with me since he was 3. His mother lives out of state and is rarely involved with him. His dad (my son) lived here with us for a couple of years but ended up getting kicked out and there was no question of his taking the kid with him.
DS’s life is back on track now, he is married with stepkids, has a good job, lives in a nearby town. DGS lives with me five days a week and goes to them on the weekends. He is used to me being the mom figure in his life and likes living here. He may live with them full time starting next school year ... that is currently undecided.
Every so often my son tries to make rules for our house. That is not happening. My house, my rules, and I have earned the right to make rules for this kid. I take DS’s opinions into consideration, but he is not going to dictate to me how to raise this kid.
I feel like you are halfway into the same situation. Obviously you are not raising this child on your own. But if you have her 9 hours a day, 5 days a week, and you aren’t getting paid for it or even much appreciation, apparently, I don’t feel like they have much say in how you spend your days. They can take it or leave it, if they don’t like it. I guarantee they won’t like paying full-time day care costs.
The trouble with putting your foot down is that you risk them cutting you off completely. But I doubt it would last long, and if it did, it probably would have happened at some point anyway, no matter how accommodating you may be.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Aug 31, 2019 3:56:56 GMT
They’re being unreasonable. I would tell them “This is a list of the things I am planning to do with baby over the next few weeks when she is with me. If you want to be able to do them with her ‘first’ you’d better get a move on and do them, because I can’t sit here day in and day out taking care of her and do nothing.” Then continue on doing what you do, they’ve been warned.
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Post by 950nancy on Aug 31, 2019 4:08:36 GMT
Sounds like they both want their cake and to eat it too. Quit providing the cake.
I taught. I had to work late sometimes. I knew I only had daycare until five and then I had my butt in the driveway before then. School was out at 3:30 and the 90 minutes was precious time to me to I could go home and not grade papers. I call BS on a son that doesn't want to pick up his baby before 6:30 or 7. I am guessing he is doing something else if he is working that late most days (unless he coaches).
I would very calmly tell my son and DIL that I can only babysit for two days a week since the other days I will be going to the beach or the park or wherever. The baby needs to be picked up by five on those two days and then be done with it. You are still providing them with 2 free days. If they want more, then $100 a day plus going wherever you need to go during those other days is a must. They need you. Don't let them take advantage of you.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Aug 31, 2019 4:16:16 GMT
The trouble with putting your foot down is that you risk them cutting you off completely. But I doubt it would last long, and if it did, it probably would have happened at some point anyway, no matter how accommodating you may be. this is the risk! But you can remind your DS that he is living proof that he survived you care! You do need to make some rules, but cautiously. STOP sending pictures.. they will then miss it all, because they certainly will not see very many firsts while at work. Buckle up that car seat and go about your business... BTW: your DS the teacher needs to get his kid after school! I would very calmly tell my son and DIL that I can only babysit for two days a week since the other days I will be going to the beach or the park or wherever. The baby needs to be picked up by five on those two days and then be done with it. You are still providing them with 2 free days. If they want more, then $100 a day plus going wherever you need to go during those other days is a must. They need you. Don't let them take advantage of you. Good plan! |
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 31, 2019 4:29:26 GMT
Oh HELL NO!
You get them both there and tell them that either they find their own daycare or you will do what you want, when you want with the kid while in your care (within reason of course)
My mil watched my kids a lot. She worked at a hospital and worked 3 12s a week. When she was off, she wanted the kids but they also went to daycare and if should couldn't or didn't want them, that's where they went.
We were so appreciative for her help. It wasn't completely financial, but it did help. I would never have thought to tell at her for doing things with my kids. Hell, even if she had done something, I'd vent to DH and then go back to being appreciative.
Seriously OP, lay down your boundaries and let them lay down theirs. They may be pissy for a while, but I think they will come around.
And no, you didn't retire to be an unpaid daycare provider.
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