likescarrots
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,879
Aug 16, 2014 17:52:53 GMT
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Post by likescarrots on Aug 31, 2019 4:43:40 GMT
They are taking massive advantage of you and you need to set boundaries immediately. I would tell them next time they have a complaint it had better come with alternative child care because you will be done with all this unappreciated, unpaid labor that you do for them.
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 31, 2019 4:48:47 GMT
The teacher...I'm a teacher. I either took work home or got my kids and took them back to work with me.
Every once in a while, I'd call mil and ask if she minded if I stayed a little later (I'm talking 430 instead of 4.
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Post by Miss Lerins Momma on Aug 31, 2019 4:50:20 GMT
Wait... back the truck up. You gave money so that your DIL could stay home longer with the baby?!!!! That speaks volumes to me.
I feel that your son and DIL are in the wrong here. You can’t win no matter what you do. Them expecting you to keep the baby FOR FREE 5 days a week, but only be able to do what they approve of first, is crazy. Tell them to take off some time to do all the firsts with the baby, so you can continue your life while still being able to help them.
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pancakes
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,002
Feb 4, 2015 6:49:53 GMT
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Post by pancakes on Aug 31, 2019 5:12:30 GMT
I think they should be grateful that you are providing free and ample childcare. If I were in their position, I would feel incredibly bad.
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Post by mom on Aug 31, 2019 5:15:13 GMT
You are a better woman that I am. All I am gonna say is this - they have no clue how blessed they have been to have you.
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georgie
Full Member
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Jul 23, 2019 1:17:03 GMT
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Post by georgie on Aug 31, 2019 5:30:52 GMT
Bblvk
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Harper Lee
Shy Member
Posts: 42
Jun 25, 2014 22:25:52 GMT
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Post by Harper Lee on Aug 31, 2019 6:04:39 GMT
I find it so interesting that your son and his wife supposedly want to have all of these experiences with their child, yet they have her at your house for a ridiculously long time every day. I'm not saying teachers don't work hard, but he can't pick her up before 6:30pm any day of the week? That sounds like bullshit to me. I agree with the others--I say you offer 2 days a week. At the very least your son needs to pick her up when he gets off work.
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finaledition
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,896
Jun 26, 2014 0:30:34 GMT
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Post by finaledition on Aug 31, 2019 6:08:17 GMT
I think they need some things spelled out for them. *You are putting in a 55-60 hour work week *you are making baby necessity contributions that they would have to pay out of pocket elsewhere. *you are working past a time that many home day cares have shut down for the day (or would be charging an over time rate.) *you love that baby with all your heart I dare them to find child care that comes anywhere close to the situation you have provided and I can guarantee they couldn’t dictate the terms of the care.
It’s time to have a come to Jesus talk with them.
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Mary Kay Lady
Pearl Clutcher
PeaNut 367,913 Refupea number 1,638
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Jun 27, 2014 4:11:36 GMT
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Post by Mary Kay Lady on Aug 31, 2019 6:30:18 GMT
If a baby of this age was placed in daycare s/he would be kept inside almost every day all day long. They are usually not outside until they are toddlers.
Imagine that your grandchild would be inside for 40-60 hours a week. No fresh air, no sunshine, no outside stimulation.
Instead you are offering an invaluable service for free. I'll assume that because this is their first child they are wanting to do all the firsts with her. I get that, but for free childcare there is a trade off that needs to be made.
I understand that you're hurt and angry and frustrated. And rightfully so. I think it might be time for a discussion to determine what is realistic. I hope this ends well for you.....and your granddaughter.
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,402
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Aug 31, 2019 9:43:47 GMT
I would have had 2 words for them: I quit. Me too. You have done far more than is reasonable for them to expect.
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Post by KelleeM on Aug 31, 2019 10:13:18 GMT
Oh my...I haven’t read the replies but here’s my take.
I’ve been the parent with the kid in daycare (which I paid for...we all know it’s expensive!) and now I’m a grandparent.
When my kids we young I was thrilled for anything they got to enjoy whether or not I was there. My dd’s first time riding a horse...my sister took her. I really didn’t mind and was so happy they go to do things that I couldn’t do with them. When dd started walking my daycare provider never told me she saw her walk before I did. She may have but she let me think we saw it first. That was big. Little things like the beach wouldn’t have mattered. The money your son and dil are saving is huge.
My husband and I took our dgd to a farm for a pony ride and sent dd a picture. She was a little disappointed but didn’t get angry. She appreciated every minute of the year dh watched dgd full time while she started her job. He still keeps dgd one day a week. Dgd goes to a great daycare and they took her on a bunch of filed trips this summer...dd got photos and was really happy dgd got to go places and do things.
I’m guessing your dil is feeling guilty for leaving dgd and is a bit jealous of the time you get to spend with her. I could totally see myself feeling this way. I really hope you all can come to an agreement that makes everyone happy.
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,022
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Aug 31, 2019 10:52:49 GMT
I think your DIL, in particular, is feeling guilty and jealous that you are getting to experience the "first" moments. Your son is possibly avoiding childcare duties by staying on at work. They can't have their cake and eat it. You all need a very honest conversation, they must realise that the situation cannot continue indefinitely. Honestly, they should be kissing your feet.
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gsquaredmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,091
Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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Post by gsquaredmom on Aug 31, 2019 11:00:45 GMT
This sounds a lot like a knocked-up teens situation. They were not ready for kids and all the work and expenses that go with it.
They need to grow up and make some hard choices. You are the slave to their choices.
You have raised your kids. Now it’s time to be a part time grandma. I would do no child care. The extent of my involvement would be the emergency pick up at a daycare center.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 9:19:35 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2019 12:09:53 GMT
I haven't read the other replies yet but here's what I would tell son.
"I will not sit at home every day. There are things I need to do and things I like to do. Since I have your child every day, she will need to be able to come with me. If either of you do not want me bringing her along with me, you will need to make alternative child care arrangements and I will be unable to assist you financially to do so"
They are completely unreasonable.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Aug 31, 2019 12:12:12 GMT
First rule of daycare fight club... no baby EVER does their first ____ at the daycare. When dd started walking my daycare provider never told me she saw her walk before I did. She may have but she let me think we saw it first. My oldest was the only one who went to a babysitter's home and we had this exact agreement. She simply didn't tell us if he accomplished a 'first' while in her care. The OP's family is unbelievable fortunate to have the sweet deal they have - free childcare by a loving grandparent who will invest time in giving the baby a rich experience during the day.
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hannahruth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,688
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Aug 29, 2014 18:57:20 GMT
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Post by hannahruth on Aug 31, 2019 12:27:19 GMT
I'm a gramma to three - our DD does not work so we have never had this situation BUT I would certainly be calling these two out.
Unfortunately if you work you are going to miss things in your child's life. That is a given but it is also the way it is. DS is being irresponsible by not collecting his child, DIL is being totally unreasonable and obviously not appreciative of all you are doing for them as a family.
Time to tell them this free ride is over, they certainly need you a lot more that you need them and given chil care these days they will find life certainly different. Their DD will no longer be the only one but just one of a number.
Dont let let them guilt you - you have worked and deserve your retirement to do as you please.
I know it won't be easy but it's time to make the changes. Hugs
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Aug 31, 2019 12:30:36 GMT
Oh my word is it time to set some boundaries/rules for you ds and dil!! You're doing them a favor and they're calling all the shots here.
First up would be ds and him letting wife pick up at 6:30-7 range...that'd be a no go with me. I'd give him an hour maybe 1 1/2 hours from dismissal time to be in my house picking up his child!
I'd go about your days as you wish and stop telling them about what you're doing...and don't send pictures of these activities. No need for you to sit home, but telling them creates drama so I just wouldn't be reporting in to them.
If they don't like it they can hire someone. Remember you're doing them the favor here!!
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Post by pierkiss on Aug 31, 2019 12:32:13 GMT
I would sit down and have a face to face chat with them about this. I think they’re being a little bit unreasonable here. And I completely understand the desire to be the one to take the kid and do all the firsts with them myself so that I could see their reactions and experience that with them.
But. I would actually take my kids to those places that I wanted to do with them. So that I could have those moments. It doesn’t sound like they are taking their kid to do any of those things. What are they waiting for? Are you really supposed to avoid the beaches you say you are surrounding your area until they take her? That’s bonkers.
Waiting to do Disney World until her parents can take her I get. Waiting to take her to the swings at the park? No. At 7 months old her reaction to the swing is going to be exactly the same the next time she’s on it as it was the first time.
Also, I would let them know that I will not be keeping myself cooped up at home for 9 hours a day just to avoid accidentally doing something first with the granddaughter. That’s not a quality of life for you, and it’s not a fair request to ask of a babysitter they are not paying. If they want that demand let they need to hire a babysitter. There are lots in every area.
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johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,684
Member is Online
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Aug 31, 2019 13:15:24 GMT
I have 7 grandchildren. I told each of my children I did not want to be “daycare granny”. I wanted a fun, no rules relationship with them. My son’s wife is the only mom that works, so that didn’t impact the majority. I was always available to take the kids when care was an issue. I just didn’t want to do it all the time. Maybe just don’t share the photos. I would not put up with nonsense rules about the beach or park. I would not provide free daycare and follow rules that have nothing to do with their health or safety. When my grandchildren kids little I would follow rules about food and sleep. Now that they are all older, there are no rules. You want cookie while I’m cooking dinner, fine. You want ice cream for breakfast, what flavor? They can stay up until 10 or 11. These are special treats when they spend the night or a whole day. I make them wear sun screen, use their helmets on their bikes and wear seatbelts. They are safe and healthy when their parents get home. You're the kind of grandma I want to be! Thank you for this reminder, I need to remind ds18 about my future plans to be the fun grandma I've already made him promise not to make me a grandma until I'm 50 (he'll be 25, it's not unreasonable) but I should start setting the tone now so there's no surprises
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milocat
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,570
Location: 55 degrees north in Alberta, Canada
Mar 18, 2015 4:10:31 GMT
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Post by milocat on Aug 31, 2019 13:33:11 GMT
You're a good grandma. If you were giving the kid sweets after they said not to, letting her nap too long or too late so the parents couldn't get her to bed at night. What happens when the baby takes her first steps in front of you? Would they rather pay for day care where the baby isn't getting one on one attention from grandma?
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Post by hop2 on Aug 31, 2019 14:01:43 GMT
As a mom if 2, I was only angry with my parents when the fed my 10 month old shellfish for his first time. Without even asking.
NOT because I ‘missed a first’ but because we had no idea if he was allergic yet and neither did my parents.
My parents did a lot of firsts with my kids. It happens.
You son needs to allow YOU a bit of freedom from monotony & boredom or take his kid when he gets out of school or hire daycare. You didn’t sign in to sit around & twiddle your thumbs of boredom.
She can just get over herself.
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Post by nnnsmom on Aug 31, 2019 14:12:34 GMT
I agree with everyone here. They are being unreasonable and you need to talk about it.
My mil and my mom took turns watching my DS1 when he was little. We provided all of the supplies and baby gear. My mom would not let me pay her (he stayed with her 2 days a week). My mil was already watching another grandchild at the time and started watching DS three days a week and we insisted that she take some payment. They both did all kinds of fun stuff with him and always sent photos and videos. Sure, there were times when the mom guilt got to me and I wished I had been there for “firsts” but I was so happy that he got to experience it all with them! Later when our twins were born they watched them as well. When it got to be too much we found other solutions. DS1 started a couple of days a week preschool and then later the twins did, too. Maybe they could look into a preschool/play school type thing a couple of days a week to give you a break. Our local churches provide it here for very little money and they are great.
Your son and DIL need to realize just how fortunate they are to have you and especially what a wonderful impact you are having on their daughters life. There are so many people who never get any time with their grandparents. My boys are 19, 17 & 17 now and I can tell you that the time spent with all of their grandparents through the years has helped form them into the amazing young men they are today. I’m still thanking our parents for it, every chance I get! I can’t wait to (hopefully) get to watch my own grandchildren one day, too. I hope you can talk with your son/dil and work it out!
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StephDRebel
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,692
Location: Ohio
Jul 5, 2014 1:53:49 GMT
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Post by StephDRebel on Aug 31, 2019 14:49:32 GMT
Can we talk about perspective? I feel like you can handle this two ways and it doesn't take long to read what you wrote and go "Oh hell no" but the reality is that this is your family and I'm led to believe that you want this to be a relationship with as little tension as possible. Your daughter in law was angry about the beach, and some other things but anger is nearly always triggered by another emotion- anxiety, sadness, fear, feeling pressured, trapped, worried, disappointed, etc. You have a mom who is probably youngish, with her first kid, who is working long hours and probably not because she wants to. Thinking about the women I know she is probably feeling a lot of these things, maybe anxiety for not being with her daughter all day. She knows that you are doing her a favor and that you are competent and the baby is safe, but when she wants to be there and has to financially support the household so she's not able to make that choice. She's disappointed at the time she has to spend at work, fearful of the time that she can't get back with the baby, fearful that you're going to stop watching and they'll have to adjust the budget and make it even tighter, anxious about all of it, feeling pressured to be the perfect mom and she is probably feeling like because she is in her cubicle (or wherever, it doesn't matter) her answer to every question about firsts will be 'at grandmas' I think a conversation is in order, but if any of this could be true, please don't go in guns blazing. It's been 20 years since I've had a baby but I remember taking every criticism so personally, and projecting my emotions on people who didn't deserve them because I didn't have anyone at all to talk to and I was afraid of breaking down if I put too much thought into what was actually happening. It may also be possible that her husband is avoiding child care by staying at work so often, and who knows what the conversation looked like in their home. I can see me saying something to my dh about how I'm feeling about a certain situation and him trying to 'fix' things by saying "you made her feel XYZ" when I was just communicating my feelings that I knew were a reflection on me and not my mother in law. It could likely just not have that much to do with you at all. Can you take her to lunch or have her over maybe. Definitely address it but you may have better results if it goes something like "I understand the pressure to be a mom and how overwhelming it can be. This is my first time caring for a grandchild full time and we are all working to find balance. I know that you want to be as involved as possible and I understand that you want to experience as many firsts as you can with her, she is just so precious. We clearly can't stay inside all day every day and we both want her to have as many enriching experiences as possible so that she stays as well rounded and perfect as she is, how can we make sure that our communication plan meets all of our needs? " Maybe sending as short video clip when you're going for a walk or video chatting on her lunch breaks would be helpful, ask her what her preferences are, I would bet that it's not to prevent any experiences at all but there is usually a happy medium. Communicate. It's the only thing that will get you through. Or, she could be an awful, wretched monster that hates you and in that case, the conversation should start with "Listen up, bitch" there is a fine line
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Post by Merge on Aug 31, 2019 15:01:07 GMT
I had a long reply composed in my mind, but StephDRebel wrote it for me. 😂
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Post by Basket1lady on Aug 31, 2019 15:09:33 GMT
Can we talk about perspective? I feel like you can handle this two ways and it doesn't take long to read what you wrote and go "Oh hell no" but the reality is that this is your family and I'm led to believe that you want this to be a relationship with as little tension as possible. Your daughter in law was angry about the beach, and some other things but anger is nearly always triggered by another emotion- anxiety, sadness, fear, feeling pressured, trapped, worried, disappointed, etc. You have a mom who is probably youngish, with her first kid, who is working long hours and probably not because she wants to. Thinking about the women I know she is probably feeling a lot of these things, maybe anxiety for not being with her daughter all day. She knows that you are doing her a favor and that you are competent and the baby is safe, but when she wants to be there and has to financially support the household so she's not able to make that choice. She's disappointed at the time she has to spend at work, fearful of the time that she can't get back with the baby, fearful that you're going to stop watching and they'll have to adjust the budget and make it even tighter, anxious about all of it, feeling pressured to be the perfect mom and she is probably feeling like because she is in her cubicle (or wherever, it doesn't matter) her answer to every question about firsts will be 'at grandmas' I think a conversation is in order, but if any of this could be true, please don't go in guns blazing. It's been 20 years since I've had a baby but I remember taking every criticism so personally, and projecting my emotions on people who didn't deserve them because I didn't have anyone at all to talk to and I was afraid of breaking down if I put too much thought into what was actually happening. It may also be possible that her husband is avoiding child care by staying at work so often, and who knows what the conversation looked like in their home. I can see me saying something to my dh about how I'm feeling about a certain situation and him trying to 'fix' things by saying "you made her feel XYZ" when I was just communicating my feelings that I knew were a reflection on me and not my mother in law. It could likely just not have that much to do with you at all. Can you take her to lunch or have her over maybe. Definitely address it but you may have better results if it goes something like "I understand the pressure to be a mom and how overwhelming it can be. This is my first time caring for a grandchild full time and we are all working to find balance. I know that you want to be as involved as possible and I understand that you want to experience as many firsts as you can with her, she is just so precious. We clearly can't stay inside all day every day and we both want her to have as many enriching experiences as possible so that she stays as well rounded and perfect as she is, how can we make sure that our communication plan meets all of our needs? " Maybe sending as short video clip when you're going for a walk or video chatting on her lunch breaks would be helpful, ask her what her preferences are, I would bet that it's not to prevent any experiences at all but there is usually a happy medium. Communicate. It's the only thing that will get you through. Or, she could be an awful, wretched monster that hates you and in that case, the conversation should start with "Listen up, bitch" there is a fine line Words of wisdom here. I suspect your DIL is venting to your DS that she is missing all the firsts and your DS just wants his wife to be happy. I like Steph’s idea. Let the parents decide on the “firsts” they want and avoid them. Or maybe at drop off discuss your plans for the day. As for the baby supplies, I’d say, “The baby needs diapers,” and have the parents provide them. And unless your DS is coaching, you know he can get home sooner than 6:30pm. He needs to man up and collect the baby. And yes, I’d drive the baby to the school a few times to get the point across. Boundaries are good on both sides.
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Post by Skellinton on Aug 31, 2019 15:10:22 GMT
I had a long reply composed in my mind, but StephDRebel wrote it for me. 😂 I have been thinking about this since I read the OP yesterday, I have my coffee in hand, cats have had breakfast and I was ready to type a long reply as well. No need now, @stepherebel said what I was thinking in a better way then I could have. I do want to add, I love the pictures you post of your DGD and think you are so lucky to have each other. You are providing her with such precious and enriching experiences, she will be a better person for them.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Aug 31, 2019 15:12:21 GMT
I think they need to be realistic with their expectations. Does it suck for them to miss those activities with their child? Sure. But if parents have to work then someone else needs to be with the child during the day. They need to think about the benefits of their arrangement—child gets to spend time with grandma and do those activities, no expense, dad gets to stay at work later (most daycares are not open until 7:00), etc.
You need to have a talk with them about what the reality would be if the child went to daycare, and that you being able to take the child out of the home on outings is a benefit to the child and you.
It also sounds like they are not too quick to do things with the baby so if it is important to them they should make that more of a priority
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Post by Skellinton on Aug 31, 2019 15:13:26 GMT
Also, your son needs to step up and get his butt home quicker. I have been working in an elementary school building for over 20 years and no one stays that long after school except the custodians and child care services. . There is no reason (other then a 2 hour commute home) he can’t pick up his daughter before 630. He either needs some serious time management skills or he should bring his work home and finish what he needs to do after his daughter is in bed.
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Post by mikewozowski on Aug 31, 2019 15:42:06 GMT
my rules would be, "i am taking care of her and i am going to do what i want with her that is reasonable and safe. if you want to do firsts, you need to hurry and do them before i do. if you don't like this arrangement, feel free to find other arrangements."
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Post by gar on Aug 31, 2019 15:47:33 GMT
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