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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Aug 31, 2019 16:01:24 GMT
They are being selfish.
I’m afraid if you do tell them to find a sitter that they will retaliate and not give you access to child.
Maybe you say, I’m needing to get out to go to the gym/class/meeting and can only watch her 2x a week of 3x a week and see how that goes.
I’ll bet that anything you suggest is going to come across as “push back” for them saying you broke their rules.
But sometimes making them handle it on their own is a way to show them how unreasonable and self they are being.
And I’d stop sending them photos. None.
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 31, 2019 16:12:44 GMT
Being disappointed is one thing. Attacking and dictating is another. Grandparents aren't built in daycare. You don't treat then as such.
OP tell them you'll watch the baby 2 days a week and she can go to daycare the other days. Then you get your time and get to be grandma too
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Deleted
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Oct 6, 2024 9:14:40 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2019 16:31:21 GMT
I am the grandma in this case and my only grandchild is 7 months old. When she was born I supplemented her mom's income so that she could stay home with her longer and avoid day care. Then I retired in July and have been providing her child care almost every day. Sometimes I pick her up at their house and sometimes she gets dropped off. I have all my own baby stuff at my house, diapers, food, equipment... I feel bad having tension that I am doing the wrong thing. Do I need to tell her mom everything we do before hand and get permission? I really want to know your opinions of what is reasonable and fair for me and them. IMO, as a grandma myself, I think it fair you tell them how much you can watch her (how many days, which days and hours) I would only share photos from my house/yard that are everyday activities and NOT any new things or activities outside my house. I would take the photos and scrap book for my memories and to give to the child much later as a memento of the fun had with grandma. I suspect finding part time care is going to be hard. Most child care places bill as full time.
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julie5
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,611
Jul 11, 2018 15:20:45 GMT
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Post by julie5 on Aug 31, 2019 18:25:58 GMT
Oooooooh boy, I cannot WAIT to read the responses by the Peas to this one! Your DIL and son are being ridiculous. You are providing them with free childcare every freaking day, and they get pissy because you took her to the park before they did?!?! GTFO. Do they expect you to stay home with a 7 month old every day, just so they get to be the first ones to take her to the park or the beach? I would tell them that if they want to continue with their cushy little arrangement, then you need to be free to take her on outings to the park etc. If you want to keep the peace, sit down with them and make a list of activities that you would like to be able to do with her, and get them to "approve" it. OMG even as I write that I realise how bloody ridiculous that is!! If my parents had taken my baby on all these wonderful outings AND sent me the photos, I would have been thrilled. But I would NEVER impose on my parents like that. I paid a fortune to put my daughter in full time childcare. PS. I have loved seeing the photos of your gorgeous granddaughter at the beach and the pool etc. That. Every word.
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Post by flanz on Aug 31, 2019 19:21:16 GMT
Oooooooh boy, I cannot WAIT to read the responses by the Peas to this one! Your DIL and son are being ridiculous. You are providing them with free childcare every freaking day, and they get pissy because you took her to the park before they did?!?! GTFO. Do they expect you to stay home with a 7 month old every day, just so they get to be the first ones to take her to the park or the beach? I would tell them that if they want to continue with their cushy little arrangement, then you need to be free to take her on outings to the park etc. If you want to keep the peace, sit down with them and make a list of activities that you would like to be able to do with her, and get them to "approve" it. OMG even as I write that I realise how bloody ridiculous that is!! If my parents had taken my baby on all these wonderful outings AND sent me the photos, I would have been thrilled. But I would NEVER impose on my parents like that. I paid a fortune to put my daughter in full time childcare. PS. I have loved seeing the photos of your gorgeous granddaughter at the beach and the pool etc. Agreed! You are amazing! They are nuts and totally taking you for granted, big time! I hope you can come to an amicable new setup, but I join others in urging you to decide how much you can/want to help, let them know, and stick to your boundaries.
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Deleted
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Oct 6, 2024 9:14:40 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2019 19:25:06 GMT
If baby starts crawling, cruising, or walking at your house take the photos for your memories. But do not share them with the mom let her think the time she sees it is the first time.
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Post by 950nancy on Aug 31, 2019 22:23:56 GMT
You are a better woman that I am. All I am gonna say is this - they have no clue how blessed they have been to have you. My in-laws babysat my kids zero hours. We paid for every hour of childcare we ever used. I have friends who have their parents baby sit for free and want to cringe when they complain about something.
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Post by birdy on Aug 31, 2019 22:48:04 GMT
Good luck with that. I can’t imagine saying these things the kids say to their parents these days who watching their grandchildren. . I would’ve loved to have had any free babysitting. My son and daughter-in-law are the exact same way about supposed firsts. We had a similar conversation with the babysitter and I took my granddaughter to a playground and put her in a swing. I just got put in the doghouse yesterday by my son or should I say by my daughter and my son. I don’t babysit by myself yet because I’m still dealing with medical issues. However since the baby has been little she’s been fascinated by McDonald’s cups. I usually arrive with either an ice tea or Diet Coke from McDonald’s. Yesterday Ira after I arrived, my son texted me from his home office to tell me I’m no longer allowed to give my granddaughter the empty McDonald’s cup with a straw after it’s been rinsed. She loves to pull the straw and put it back in and over and over and over. Apparently this is causing them issues when they dine out. Then my daughter-in-law arrived home a couple hours later and I was sitting in the driveway with the granddaughter in the passenger seat. I was parked behind their babysitter and I had move my car out so she couldn’t get her car out. Then I pulled my car back in. Apparently I’m an asshole grandmother because the baby was not buckled in a seat. She literally was in the road for 15 seconds in their subdivision not on the highway. It wasn’t so much what they said it was how they said it, like I’m an imbecile. I managed to raise two children to adulthood without killing either of them. It upset me so much that I actually canceled having them come over this weekend with a made up excuses. I just don’t really want to be around them right now. I love them and I love my granddaughter but I don’t like to be treated like a fool. There’s no way in hell I would take my granddaughter in my car anywhere without her properly been buckled in. To me backing out on the road doesn’t have any traffic is not taking her somewhere and I’m not even sure she was aware the car moved she was busy playing with things she found in my counsel. I guess I just don’t see the crime. The rest of the stuff, I agree with you. And, the way they say it to you should be respectful! But, I disagree with putting the baby in the passenger seat first off and secondly, not buckled. A few years ago there was a tragic accident here. A grandma was driving with her grandchild in the car (in the passenger seat) and she got hit in the parking lot. The airbag deployed, killing the child. I didn't read everyone's response, but the OP is a godsend to her son/dil. They are definately being unreasonable. This may not be a popular opinion, but maybe don't share pics you take when you're on an outing where the parents might get upset. Instead, send them pictures just at your house. Things like: just woke up from her nap, having lunch, storytime, that you already do with her at your house. Sorry you are having such a difficult time. you're an angel! We asked my mil if she'd consider watching ds when he was a baby and I had to go back to work. We were going to pay her. She flat out refused with the reasoning "what if I want to go to Walmart" I won't be able to. And, I'll have to babyproof the house. We were upset... not that she chose not to watch him, because I know that's asking a lot. But, about her excuses. Just be upfront and tell us you'd rather not.
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Post by sues on Sept 1, 2019 0:43:26 GMT
My mom watched my son the first three years of his life, then part-time the fourth. I never gave her rules. I never told her what she could and couldn't do. She was doing me a favor (I paid her, but much less than it would have been elsewhere). And she was a wonderful mother to five children. Why would I think she'd be anything less to her grandson?
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,387
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Sept 1, 2019 0:49:01 GMT
They are being selfish. I’m afraid if you do tell them to find a sitter that they will retaliate and not give you access to child. Maybe you say, I’m needing to get out to go to the gym/class/meeting and can only watch her 2x a week of 3x a week and see how that goes. I’ll bet that anything you suggest is going to come across as “push back” for them saying you broke their rules. All this. I fear if you try to set any boundaries, they'll simply cut off your access completely. It'll be 'every day or no days.'
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muggins
Pearl Clutcher
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Jul 30, 2017 3:38:57 GMT
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Post by muggins on Sept 1, 2019 1:26:21 GMT
You are a great grandma. My inlaws looked after my DD four hours a week when she was little so I could stay after school for a teacher planning meeting every Friday. I only wish they were as active as you are. They only ever took her to the grocery store. I agree a heart to heart conversation is needed with both parents to set some clear boundaries.
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Post by canadianscrappergirl on Sept 3, 2019 15:47:23 GMT
First of all you sound like a fantastic Mom, MIL/GM!
Secondly your son and DIL need a kick in the ass!
What is with young parents these days?!? Upset because you took her to the park and beach before they could seriously WTF!!
She isn't going to even remember those lovely experiences because she's a baby!
They should be so grateful for the awesome care you are giving and that it's free!
Do parents and GP have the right to set limits absolutely but not ridiculous stuff like this.
I think your son needs to think next time too before he mentions how a trivial thing upset his wife's feelings and have a discussion with her about that not being cool!
Sorry your post just reminds me of my ungrateful boys and their equally ungrateful SO when it comes to the grandkids!
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peabrain
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,588
Jun 25, 2014 22:18:04 GMT
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Post by peabrain on Sept 3, 2019 15:58:50 GMT
My mom had a sign in her house: What happens at Gramma's stays at Gramma's!
It was made clear to me to zip it about anything crazy that happened at Gramma's (popsicles for breakfast! Oh my!) But my daughter and my mother have a special bond and I'm grateful for it. And I'm grateful I kept my mouth shut.
You sound like a great gramma!
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Sept 3, 2019 15:59:55 GMT
"I'm retired. I didn't sign up to be a daycare provider in my golden years. If you want to do firsts with her, then you should find a way to be at home with her. If you don't want me to go about living out my retirement years the way I dreamed of, you'll need to pay me. Pick one."
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dawnnikol
Prolific Pea
'A life without books is a life not lived.' Jay Kristoff
Posts: 8,426
Sept 21, 2015 18:39:25 GMT
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Post by dawnnikol on Sept 3, 2019 16:06:03 GMT
I get them wanting to be there for the firsts, but they aren't being reasonable. Your example of the beach was absolutely stupid. They live there and haven't taken her, because they hate it, yet then fuss at you because you did it?
They should be THANKING YOU for the pics and FREE FREAKING CHILDCARE. People work a full time job just to pay for childcare and it's ridiculous! Would they tell a Daycare "Sorry, don't do that, my child needs to have their firsts with me?" No effing way.
I'm sure someone else has already said all this, but good grief. You are an awesome grandma and they need to take a seat. However, if this isn't fun / something happy for you, you should totally tell them to find other childcare, for at least part of the week, because you deserve your own damn free time.
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Post by canadianscrappergirl on Sept 3, 2019 16:22:20 GMT
Also I call BS on him having to work late!
I think the DIL may have guilt about working but that doesn't give her the right to take it out on the OP or the GD by insisting OP not do stuff with her. DIL needs to either deal with the guilt or become a SAHM or work PT.
Sometimes i feel as parents and GP we are in a no win sitiation we can't say anything because we risk pissing off the parents and them holding the GK as hostage.
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Post by lbp on Sept 3, 2019 17:05:51 GMT
My MIL kept our son from the time he was 5 weeks old until high school (because he went over there every day to eat!) The only rule I had was he must be in his car seat. They took him everywhere! This was back before cell phones. If he crawled, talked or walked at their house, I didn't know about it! But I would have cared less if they had taken him to the park, beach, etc... For heaven sake he is 7 months old, he isn't going to remember!!
Did I feel jealous that my MIL got to spend the day with my son? Yes I did. But there is a price to pay for working away from the home and I understood that. They need to lighten up and if I were you , don't send them any more pictures!!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 9:14:40 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2019 17:26:36 GMT
If both parents are going to work full time those parents are going to miss a lot of firsts. That is just how it is. I would have to tell them to either stop complaining or they were free to find another babysitter.
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johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,684
Member is Online
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Sept 3, 2019 17:29:25 GMT
myboysnmeAny update? Did you have a chance to talk to DS this weekend and try to find a solution that doesn't leave you stuck in the house 50-ish hours a week?
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Deleted
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Oct 6, 2024 9:14:40 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2019 17:49:49 GMT
I agree with everything StephDRebel wrote. I think if you handle it in the manner she suggested, the conversation will have a more favorable outcome. The last thing you want to happen is for them to put the child in daycare and not allow you to see her because they're mad. Generally, I think the dividing line between parents rule and what grandparents do has to do with safety, food and routines. If you're watching the child during the day, you can't necessarily be the "fun" grandma and let them eat cake and popsicles each meal.
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casii
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,517
Jun 29, 2014 14:40:44 GMT
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Post by casii on Sept 3, 2019 17:55:30 GMT
You've gotten a lot of great advice here, so I won't add to the load, but man, I wish I had been so lucky as to have any grandparent watch my children for even a few hours each week! We lived halfway across the country from grandparents, so all childcare was big money and a big hunt for the right place for our children.
And I don't think we'd have been able to place an infant less than full time in a childcare center. Under 2's are the most expensive age because fewer children per adult are allowed, so the childcare centers generally only accept full time infants. Home daycare is probably easier to source, but when I saw easy, it's still pretty hard. You're doing them a MASSIVELY huge favor and saving them INSANE money.
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Post by hmp on Sept 3, 2019 19:19:08 GMT
I know how much you love your precious granddaughter & I’m just sick at heart that you’re going thru all this. I watched my sister & bil play emotional blackmail with their children & my parents. Yes, I think you’re right, but I also know how fragile these situations are. You’re an amazing grandmother & clearly motivated by love & concern for all involved. They are very fortunate to have you in their lives & willing to help out. I hope everything resolves itself reasonably well for all involved. Sending you love & (((((hugs))))).
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Post by maryland on Sept 3, 2019 21:36:44 GMT
I agree with what the others have said. They are taking advantage of you! I can't believe you gave them money so she could stay home longer and this is how they treat you. Because you saved them money, that enabled them to spend more money doing things with the baby. And a baby isn't going to remember who took her where first.
I would give them notice if they don't want to treat you more respectfully.
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Post by bigbundt on Sept 3, 2019 23:21:05 GMT
You've gotten a lot of great advice here, so I won't add to the load, but man, I wish I had been so lucky as to have any grandparent watch my children for even a few hours each week! We lived halfway across the country from grandparents, so all childcare was big money and a big hunt for the right place for our children. And I don't think we'd have been able to place an infant less than full time in a childcare center. Under 2's are the most expensive age because fewer children per adult are allowed, so the childcare centers generally only accept full time infants. Home daycare is probably easier to source, but when I saw easy, it's still pretty hard. You're doing them a MASSIVELY huge favor and saving them INSANE money. THIS. Although having family close by is still no guarantee. We have a set of grandparents ten minutes away and MIL has straight out told us she is too old to spend more than a couple of hours with our kids. Even though it was hard to see them basically raise their other grandchild, I am ALWAYS grateful for any help they offer and offer no complaints to anything they do (outside of proper car seat usage). Your son seems like he is avoiding child care. Sounds like something my DH would do, he did not like being the primary caregiver when our kids were infants but he wouldn't have taken advantage of his mom to avoid it. His mom wouldn't let him either. Lots of good advice in here, you aren't wrong, your DIL is probably dealing with a massive amount of working mom guilt and quite possibly dealing with your son not pulling his parental weight. But this isn't a make or break situation, I hope you can all come together and come with with some ideas that makes everyone happy.
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Post by christine58 on Sept 3, 2019 23:27:42 GMT
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Post by myboysnme on Sept 4, 2019 20:28:36 GMT
@johnnysmom and christine58 - thanks for asking. I provided somewhat of an update in OP.
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Post by christine58 on Sept 4, 2019 20:41:30 GMT
Son asked me to come over Sat eve because DIL was totally stressed out. I got there and she was crying because she is overwhelmed and exhausted. She said she knows she can't keep relying on me. She said she has been looking for a mommy play group just to be out of the house and not just at work. I encouraged her to go to the group and work it out with her job. Sounds like she is stressed in all aspects and took it out on you. She probably realized all she is missing with her daughter and maybe resents the time and milestones she has with you. I think it sounds like some good things will come out of this.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Sept 4, 2019 20:49:53 GMT
Awww, nice update. Everyone is finding their way and you are working together to make that happen. That sounds like an imperfect family full of love --- the best kind.
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Post by lucyg on Sept 4, 2019 20:57:41 GMT
Nice update. Hope things get better and better from now on.
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