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Post by myboysnme on Aug 31, 2019 0:15:13 GMT
not so small update: I appreciate everyone's thoughtful comments and ideas. I have read each one of them and will again.
Son asked me to come over Sat eve because DIL was totally stressed out. I got there and she was crying because she is overwhelmed and exhausted. She said she knows she can't keep relying on me. She said she has been looking for a mommy play group just to be out of the house and not just at work. I encouraged her to go to the group and work it out with her job. I talked with my son and he asked me what places I would like to take her. I named several possibilities. I told him he has to pick her up by 5 pm. He actually gets out at 4 pm and teaches severely disabled special ed so it takes longer to get the kiddos on the vans and get the daily paperwork done with the paras. He agreed to pick her up by 5 pm. Of course the first day of school with kids was yesterday so mom picked her up but I agreed to it.
DIL and I are taking turns with pick up or drop off - every other morning. I agreed to watch her 4 days a week right now. I told DIL I need to get my hair done next week at 10 am so she is going to work late that day. I am going to the Jersey shore the following week with my mom so they have to find alternate care for that time. She also brought me a special Edible Arrangement as thanks.
We still have to settle on where I can take her and how much if any notice I give them and back up care. I intend to basically take her where I want to. I also need to cut back on photos. I sent her a brief video of baby trying to dance to a fiddle on the TV and she liked it but asked me to pull her back from the TV so she wouldn't pull it over. I figure she just has to do the mommy thing even with me.I'm having some success with a 2 pm nap for both of us, haha!
Thank you again, all!
************************* Original post: I am the grandma in this case and my only grandchild is 7 months old. When she was born I supplemented her mom's income so that she could stay home with her longer and avoid day care. Then I retired in July and have been providing her child care almost every day. Sometimes I pick her up at their house and sometimes she gets dropped off. I have all my own baby stuff at my house, diapers, food, equipment...
Her mom works from about 9:30 am and gets here to pick her up between 6:30pm and 7pm. My son is a teacher and I told him he has to come and pick her up when he gets out of school but he is often late because he has to stay after. I have her for long periods of time.
Here's where it gets murky. I did not retire to provide full time child care but at present there are no other options other than day care as her family, who was going to share in the care has not been available. So I am at home with a 7 month old and frankly, sometimes I am stir crazy. So back while ago, I took her for a stroller walk, which I do everyday, and we went by the playground. I put her in the baby swing for about a minute and pushed her once or twice. I took her photo and sent it to mom and dad.
I got blasted by them for taking her to the park before they took her. They want to do everything first. OK. I got it. I got all of us pool passes for the pool that is directly behind my house so I could take her up to the baby pool, but her mom never took her until this week and the pool closes for the season Monday. I wasn't allowed to take her until they took her.
Well yesterday I told her mom I was going to take her to a park and walk someplace different to change up my daily walk. I had weight loss surgery and I try to walk everyday. I had the idea to take her up to the little town area that has nice sidewalks and it is on the river. There is a tiny strip of beach. When we got there I walked her up and down, and then I decided to stop at the sand and sit on it to relax for a few minutes. I sent pictures to her mom and dad - look at the nice day we are having.
Last night I got a message from my son that mom is very upset with me that I took her to the beach. They have not taken her to the beach. Now we live near the ocean and the bay, and they both hate the beach. And yes, this strip of sand on the bank of the river is a sort of beach. So he blasted me that I keep ignoring their instructions. I sent the photos early in the day and mom picked her up and never said a word. But she told my son when they were at home that she was upset about it.
Frankly, I was looking for something to do that would be enjoyable that was also infant friendly. There is not much in that category. I cannot just sit in my house all day and do nothing but baby care. That is what I have been doing though. I threw my back out yesterday lifting and toting her 20 lbs. It's not an easy task. But she is a very happy baby and knows me and my house as well as her own as she is here at least 5 days a week.
They do not pay me. I told them they can feel free to hire someone. I try to respect them and I always give mom the full run down of what she ate, when she slept, how many messy diapers, mood, things she likes, etc. I truly do not mind caring for her at this point especially since she is not yet crawling or pulling up and cruising. But of course I have to have my eye on her constantly.
What is reasonable for them to ask of me and for me to ask of them? My boys both went to day care at 6 weeks old and I had no family support to help me back then, so this is new. I have sort of committed in my mind to watch her through her first year.
I feel bad having tension that I am doing the wrong thing. Do I need to tell her mom everything we do before hand and get permission? I really want to know your opinions of what is reasonable and fair for me and them.
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Post by AussieMeg on Aug 31, 2019 0:25:58 GMT
Oooooooh boy, I cannot WAIT to read the responses by the Peas to this one!
Your DIL and son are being ridiculous. You are providing them with free childcare every freaking day, and they get pissy because you took her to the park before they did?!?! GTFO. Do they expect you to stay home with a 7 month old every day, just so they get to be the first ones to take her to the park or the beach?
I would tell them that if they want to continue with their cushy little arrangement, then you need to be free to take her on outings to the park etc. If you want to keep the peace, sit down with them and make a list of activities that you would like to be able to do with her, and get them to "approve" it. OMG even as I write that I realise how bloody ridiculous that is!!
If my parents had taken my baby on all these wonderful outings AND sent me the photos, I would have been thrilled. But I would NEVER impose on my parents like that. I paid a fortune to put my daughter in full time childcare.
PS. I have loved seeing the photos of your gorgeous granddaughter at the beach and the pool etc.
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,147
Aug 14, 2015 21:47:17 GMT
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Post by pilcas on Aug 31, 2019 0:26:14 GMT
I think you need to be very frank with your son and DIL. Tell them you need to go about your daily activities and just like you said, you did not retire to be a full time care giver. Tell them you are doing them a favor and if they are not pleased they can look elsewhere for childcare. I would insist on them finding some alternative care at some point not too far off.
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Post by myboysnme on Aug 31, 2019 0:28:40 GMT
PS. I have loved seeing the photos of your gorgeous granddaughter at the beach and the pool etc. Thank you! Taking her out and taking cute pictures is just about my only perk, other than just loving on her! I also scrapbook every photo for her mom and dad to have the memories.
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Post by LiLi on Aug 31, 2019 0:34:33 GMT
I completely agree with you, and we always let our family members we trusted to watch our kids decide what they would like to do with them while babysitting. They knew the general rules we had for our kids and beside following the basics, we were thankful and grateful for any extra efforts to entertain our kids while babysitting. This kind of thing with new moms is becoming so popular! You can get an inside look in the forums of Baby center's DWIL board. OOOOHHH boy, I hope your dil isn't reading there community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dwil_nation
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Post by llinin on Aug 31, 2019 0:36:25 GMT
You are a saint! They are being ridiculous! You should make a list of things you want to do with her over the next few months. Tell them you need them to hurry up and do these things as you will be sticking with your plans for your health and sanity. They are pretty nervy! Do they want you guys to sit like lumps so they can do the firsts? I’d suggest one of them quit their jobs if it is that important to them. I am appalled for you! They are going to wind up hurting your feelings and mess up the good deal they’ve got going. You sound like an amazing grandma, they are being foolish!
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Post by Sanibel on Aug 31, 2019 0:36:28 GMT
I provide care for my 3 grandkids, ages 7,3 and 17 months. I do whatever the heck I want and I charge them $100 a day for it ($65 on school days). I cannot fathom going where I want or what activities I choose to do to be decided upon by their parents.
Take control of your day! ❤️
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Post by NanaKate on Aug 31, 2019 0:38:06 GMT
I agree with what’s been said already. Hope it gets better for you....
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Post by femalebusiness on Aug 31, 2019 0:39:01 GMT
If both parents are going to work full time those parents are going to miss a lot of firsts. That is just how it is. I would have to tell them to either stop complaining or they were free to find another babysitter.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 7:29:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2019 0:40:20 GMT
Congratulations on having the opportunity to be present in your grandbabie’s life.
I know exactly how you feel. I had the same issue with my first grandchild and his mother.
Daughter-in-law got over all that by the time he was a year old. I waited to take him to the zoo & the museum, but I took him so many places...the library story time, Barnes & Noble, every park & playground within 30 miles. We did something fun nearly every day & I sent many photos.
I learned to be selective on what I posted on FB at first. I also reminded my son that his boy will be so much smarter because of all the new experiences..
His mama did get over all that “gotta do it first” stuff. Give it time.
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paget
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,039
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:39 GMT
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Post by paget on Aug 31, 2019 0:41:31 GMT
Omg. That was hard to read. You sound amazing and they should be kissing your feet but instead you get chastised for taking baby on nice outings. Good grief.
You have to tell them what was said above. It is Ridiculous for them to expect you to just sit home with her for free. No. But you have to tell them. And also think about what you are happily willing to do. Is it 3 days a week? 5 days a week for the first year IF you can take her places? Just in emergencies? Figure out what works for YOU and let them know. My best friend recently had to do this and things are much better for her. She works FT but was having to watch a toddler and newborn grandkids on Saturdays and Sundays so she had no days off and was exhausted. But at least she was allowed to take them places! Good luck!
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Post by christine58 on Aug 31, 2019 0:42:09 GMT
This all should have been hammered out before she came. That being said---I'd offer to watch her two days a week (for free) and tell them to find someone for the other 3---You are saving them a ton of money. For them to not pay you something is not right. Tell your son he HAS to pick her up by a certain time. There's no reason he can't pick her up before the mom does.
Bottom line...time for a family chat
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smcast
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,475
Location: MN
Mar 18, 2016 14:06:38 GMT
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Post by smcast on Aug 31, 2019 0:43:24 GMT
They are being totally unreasonable. You are giving up a lot to do full time daycare. I would never expect that nor would my parents even want to do that. They can't have it both ways.
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Post by curiouscrafter on Aug 31, 2019 0:47:39 GMT
I say they need to get other daycare or shut up and be happy you are free and doing so much with the baby. They are bring unreasonable. I would either cut it down to 1-2 days a week or cut it off completely. Not my kid, not my problem - have them figure it out. Selfish parents. Unbelievable.
Sorry you are dealing with it.
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kelly8875
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,407
Location: Lost in my supplies...
Oct 26, 2014 17:02:56 GMT
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Post by kelly8875 on Aug 31, 2019 0:59:54 GMT
I agree with others. They are being unreasonable. You’re offering free daycare, with activities and exposure. You’re the grandparent we dream of! Lay down your ground rules now, and they will have to deal with it.
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Post by cmpeter on Aug 31, 2019 1:00:26 GMT
If they trust you to watch her, they need to trust you to do things with her. Her restrictions sound very unreasonable.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 7:29:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2019 1:01:51 GMT
Wow, I felt bad when I told MIL that I didn’t want her to take DD as a toddler to Mexico. This is nothing! No way would I tolerate them being such ungrateful and selfish people. You need to put your foot down and tell them that the next time they text or call, it had better be to apologize. They need to be reminded that you are doing them a favor and that favor can end at anytime.
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Post by nlwilkins on Aug 31, 2019 1:02:48 GMT
Those two are walking all over you and think nothing about it. They are the parents and they are the ones responsible for child care not you. If son does not want to come after school to pick her up, then you take her to him at the school. There are plenty of teachers here in Pea Land who will tell you that most after school work can also be done at home after the kids get to bed. In fact, I made sure that I was home right after school so as to spend some time with my children. He should be too. Of course coaches, choir directors and the like have after school activities associated with their position, but unless he is required to stay after school, his place is with his child.
As far as waiting for the parents to do their "firsts" that is something they will have to realize is not going to happen. Working parents miss a lot of firsts and that is the choice they made. What are they going to do if their precious takes her first steps at your house? Or pulls up the first time there, or sits up, and the list goes on. There are a lot of firsts that you will have not control over.
Frankly, it sounds like you are ready to get rid of this gig. You might try looking around and see what is available and present your son and DIL with a list. You should only be considered the back up for when the little one is sick or the day care center is closed. I always felt that grandmothers who took on full time care missed on doing the grandmother stuff cause they were so busy filling the role of mother. The sneaking of another cookie, eating dessert first and staying up late are missing as you have the child full time and these are things that should not be done all the time. If they are done all the time they no longer become special.
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Post by roberta on Aug 31, 2019 1:04:30 GMT
Agree with statements here. You are doing them an enormous favor and you are not appreciated. If you don’t mind - I repeat: only if you don’t mind, give them the list of activities you want to do and let them pick a few they will do first. Then give them a deadline- such as I am taking baby to xyz on Sept. 20. Do it before then so you can do it first.
If you are ok doing this for free that is your choice. IMO they should pay for food, diapers and any other supplies. They would be if one of them was at home caring for her.
I hope your conversation with them works out ok. I imagine it is a great joy (exhausting) for you. Take care of yourself!
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Post by monklady123 on Aug 31, 2019 1:05:36 GMT
Oooooooh boy, I cannot WAIT to read the responses by the Peas to this one! Your DIL and son are being ridiculous. You are providing them with free childcare every freaking day, and they get pissy because you took her to the park before they did?!?! GTFO. Do they expect you to stay home with a 7 month old every day, just so they get to be the first ones to take her to the park or the beach? I would tell them that if they want to continue with their cushy little arrangement, then you need to be free to take her on outings to the park etc. If you want to keep the peace, sit down with them and make a list of activities that you would like to be able to do with her, and get them to "approve" it. OMG even as I write that I realise how bloody ridiculous that is!! If my parents had taken my baby on all these wonderful outings AND sent me the photos, I would have been thrilled. But I would NEVER impose on my parents like that. I paid a fortune to put my daughter in full time childcare. PS. I have loved seeing the photos of your gorgeous granddaughter at the beach and the pool etc. No need for me to type anything, Meg said it in the very first reply. I haven't even read past it yet. lolol
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Post by refugeepea on Aug 31, 2019 1:06:43 GMT
I've been a full time working mom and a stay at home mom. It is really difficult when you miss those firsts and you are working, BUT it can happen when you are a SAHM. You walk out of the room when grandma is visiting and your kid takes their first step.
I can't imagine keeping a long list of fun "first" things to avoid. Even when I was a first time mom, missing the first trip to a playground would not have angered me at all.
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Post by chaosisapony on Aug 31, 2019 1:06:51 GMT
They sound very ungrateful for all of the free help you are providing them. It's a sticky situation for sure. In your position I would be unwilling to change and go back to simply staying in the house all day everyday. I would either just not tell them when you do certain activities or keep up what you are doing and if they don't like what you're doing with her, remind them that they are welcome to seek out paid child care.
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scrappinmama
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,020
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Aug 31, 2019 1:08:13 GMT
I am so sorry. They are being ridiculous. You are providing a safe, loving and free childcare. They should be thankful. It's not good for you or their child to be stuck at home all day. If they want to do things with their child, they should do it. They obviously aren't doing that and should be thankful that you are having fun together.
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,378
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Aug 31, 2019 1:10:42 GMT
Good luck with that. I can’t imagine saying these things the kids say to their parents these days who watching their grandchildren. . I would’ve loved to have had any free babysitting. My son and daughter-in-law are the exact same way about supposed firsts. We had a similar conversation with the babysitter and I took my granddaughter to a playground and put her in a swing.
I just got put in the doghouse yesterday by my son or should I say by my daughter and my son. I don’t babysit by myself yet because I’m still dealing with medical issues. However since the baby has been little she’s been fascinated by McDonald’s cups. I usually arrive with either an ice tea or Diet Coke from McDonald’s. Yesterday Ira after I arrived, my son texted me from his home office to tell me I’m no longer allowed to give my granddaughter the empty McDonald’s cup with a straw after it’s been rinsed. She loves to pull the straw and put it back in and over and over and over. Apparently this is causing them issues when they dine out.
Then my daughter-in-law arrived home a couple hours later and I was sitting in the driveway with the granddaughter in the passenger seat. I was parked behind their babysitter and I had move my car out so she couldn’t get her car out. Then I pulled my car back in. Apparently I’m an asshole grandmother because the baby was not buckled in a seat. She literally was in the road for 15 seconds in their subdivision not on the highway.
It wasn’t so much what they said it was how they said it, like I’m an imbecile. I managed to raise two children to adulthood without killing either of them. It upset me so much that I actually canceled having them come over this weekend with a made up excuses. I just don’t really want to be around them right now. I love them and I love my granddaughter but I don’t like to be treated like a fool. There’s no way in hell I would take my granddaughter in my car anywhere without her properly been buckled in. To me backing out on the road doesn’t have any traffic is not taking her somewhere and I’m not even sure she was aware the car moved she was busy playing with things she found in my counsel. I guess I just don’t see the crime.
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Post by dewryce on Aug 31, 2019 1:11:57 GMT
Playing devil’s advocate I can see them wanting many of the firsts...but that is just not realistic and they are handling their jealously terribly. After the first incident they should have apologized for over reacting and at that point had they shared their feelings and asked for a few important (to them) things to be taken off the table I would have tried to work with them. But they didn’t ask, they’re not working with you, they don’t sound appreciate of your help and they are wanting to deprive their child of some wonderful experiences.
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Post by myshelly on Aug 31, 2019 1:16:34 GMT
Good luck with that. I can’t imagine saying these things the kids say to their parents these days who watching their grandchildren. . I would’ve loved to have had any free babysitting. My son and daughter-in-law are the exact same way about supposed firsts. We had a similar conversation with the babysitter and I took my granddaughter to a playground and put her in a swing. I just got put in the doghouse yesterday by my son or should I say by my daughter and my son. I don’t babysit by myself yet because I’m still dealing with medical issues. However since the baby has been little she’s been fascinated by McDonald’s cups. I usually arrive with either an ice tea or Diet Coke from McDonald’s. Yesterday Ira after I arrived, my son texted me from his home office to tell me I’m no longer allowed to give my granddaughter the empty McDonald’s cup with a straw after it’s been rinsed. She loves to pull the straw and put it back in and over and over and over. Apparently this is causing them issues when they dine out. Then my daughter-in-law arrived home a couple hours later and I was sitting in the driveway with the granddaughter in the passenger seat. I was parked behind their babysitter and I had move my car out so she couldn’t get her car out. Then I pulled my car back in. Apparently I’m an asshole grandmother because the baby was not buckled in a seat. She literally was in the road for 15 seconds in their subdivision not on the highway. It wasn’t so much what they said it was how they said it, like I’m an imbecile. I managed to raise two children to adulthood without killing either of them. It upset me so much that I actually canceled having them come over this weekend with a made up excuses. I just don’t really want to be around them right now. I love them and I love my granddaughter but I don’t like to be treated like a fool. There’s no way in hell I would take my granddaughter in my car anywhere without her properly been buckled in. To me backing out on the road doesn’t have any traffic is not taking her somewhere and I’m not even sure she was aware the car moved she was busy playing with things she found in my counsel. I guess I just don’t see the crime. The car seat thing would be unforgivable to me. You wouldn’t be trusted with my kid for a long time. You really don’t think car accidents ever happen when you’re backing out of a driveway?
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johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,684
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Aug 31, 2019 1:17:40 GMT
Yep they’re being ridiculous, but you’re not the first grandmother I’ve heard have these types of issues. It’s time to have a heart to heart with them. My mom watched ods for about 3 months after I went back to work but he was a big baby and she has a bad back so she had to tell us she couldn’t do it any longer. She felt horrible but really it wasn’t a big deal for us. We had always planned on putting him in daycare and we were greatful for her help that allowed us to delay that a bit.
Then again I’m pretty much the type that says “have fun and bring them back alive....and use a carseat (that was my only real rule)”.....someone should probably report me 🤷🏻♀️
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Post by dewryce on Aug 31, 2019 1:21:55 GMT
Then my daughter-in-law arrived home a couple hours later and I was sitting in the driveway with the granddaughter in the passenger seat. I was parked behind their babysitter and I had move my car out so she couldn’t get her car out. Then I pulled my car back in. Apparently I’m an asshole grandmother because the baby was not buckled in a seat. She literally was in the road for 15 seconds in their subdivision not on the highway. It wasn’t so much what they said it was how they said it, like I’m an imbecile. I managed to raise two children to adulthood without killing either of them. It upset me so much that I actually canceled having them come over this weekend with a made up excuses. I just don’t really want to be around them right now. I love them and I love my granddaughter but I don’t like to be treated like a fool. There’s no way in hell I would take my granddaughter in my car anywhere without her properly been buckled in. To me backing out on the road doesn’t have any traffic is not taking her somewhere and I’m not even sure she was aware the car moved she was busy playing with things she found in my counsel. I guess I just don’t see the crime. I’m very sorry they spoke so disrespectfully to you and hurt your feelings, that is not in any way okay. I do agree with them about the seatbelt though. My car doesn’t move until everyone is buckled. You just never know what could happen, and people speed in neighborhoods all the time. An animal could have run behind your car and you probably would have automatically slammed on the breaks. Just not worth the risk. For me this is a safety issue I wouldn’t be willing to bend on, even if that meant the loss of help from someone.
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gina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,305
Jun 26, 2014 1:59:16 GMT
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Post by gina on Aug 31, 2019 1:25:59 GMT
They're being asinine and you are being taken advantage of! I'd be pissed at my son especially for not sticking up for me.
I'd go with what a previous poster suggested: offer two days and tell them they need to find & pay for care the other days. You just got a part time job or joined the freakin circus ~ who cares. I would not allow myself to be treated like this 5 days a week.
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Post by scrapsotime on Aug 31, 2019 1:33:19 GMT
I would have had 2 words for them: I quit.
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