ashley
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,400
Jun 17, 2016 12:36:53 GMT
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Post by ashley on Oct 4, 2019 23:54:57 GMT
I don’t know if it is dementia. I don’t think so, just because I think she’s always been like this, it just took me until a few years ago to really notice. Mine controlled my life. It’s ok now as I was very dependent on her. Talk to your dad. It’s sounding familiar. My dad is pretty much verbally/emotionally abused by her. I know he’s frustrating to live with — he is mentally ill and his medications and illness make him difficult — but she’s awful to him. All the time. And she’s been planning on leaving him for about a year now, ever since she received a decent inheritance from a friend, which she kept secret from my dad. He doesn’t know she’s going to kick him out. Probably in January, she told me yesterday. My mom always controlled my life by using her affection to influence my behaviour.
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PrettyInPeank
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,691
Jun 25, 2014 21:31:58 GMT
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Oct 5, 2019 0:07:25 GMT
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 11:24:27 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 5, 2019 0:12:04 GMT
How old is your oldest now? Is she able to get the youngest two on their bus in the morning? My oldest is 18 and away at university. My next oldest is 15, but leaves for school around 7 and the little girls’ bus doesn’t come until 8:40. Two days a week I leave at 7:45, and two days a week I leave at 5:30 in the morning. I’m not home until 5:30 any day of the week. Could your 15 year old be responsible for the 2 younger until time for her bus, then pass them off to another mom in the neighborhood to put them on their bus? I know it isn't ideal to have the 15 shoulder regular responsibilities for younger siblings but that is what most families did less than 20 years ago. Then in the afternoon she can watch them and help with homework until you get home. Your girls aren't toddlers any more. It is ok! 15 year olds around here earn money by watching kids after school. With the help of a nearby mom it can work. eta: don't trap yourself into thinking the way it has been is the way it needs to continue. You've been leaning on your mom for a few years now. Teach the girls to stand up on their own.
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Post by quinlove on Oct 5, 2019 0:17:42 GMT
About how negative and rude she is and instead she snapped and spent ten minutes berating me about how no one likes me and I’m rude to everyone constantly and bringing up anecdotes from years ago to demonstrate how awful I am, and how she can’t understand why I let her look after my children and maybe if she’s so awful I can find someone else. Thanks, mom. Sitting in the bathtub crying. I don’t know how to make it bold in a quote 😕 *no one likes me*. There are all of us who not only like you - we think you’re pretty awesome ! Sending hugs and love. ❤️
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ashley
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,400
Jun 17, 2016 12:36:53 GMT
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Post by ashley on Oct 5, 2019 0:24:14 GMT
I’ve been trying to think of other solutions but I don’t know any families in the neighbourhood that go to our school to ask them to look after my kids. And I legit don’t have a budget for daycare until I get a full time job after Christmas.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Oct 5, 2019 0:25:26 GMT
Volt is right. The 15 year old can def help 2 days a week and I'd BEG the school or a neighborhood mom for some help. I'd tell the truth. SOMEONE will help you. Pretend like mom is dead, what would yo do?
Can you get gov aid for daycare? I know it's possible here. You're CO right?
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ashley
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,400
Jun 17, 2016 12:36:53 GMT
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Post by ashley on Oct 5, 2019 0:35:44 GMT
I don’t think she’s a narcissist. Her behaviour is more like this: she lent me some books about baking with cannabis. She asked for them back so she could lend them to another friend. I brought them to her house and said “thanks for the books, here they are so you can lend them to your friend”. She acts surprised and taken aback. She says “oh, so you don’t want my books?” in a tone that implies insult. I don’t know what to say, so I kinda stutter and say, “no thank you, I don’t need them” and she starts stacking up the books with great displeasure, sort of half-slamming them around, rolling her eyes, making rude faces and muttering “no thanks.. I don’t need them..” under her breath. It’s that kind of stuff all the time. All. The. Time.
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Post by Scrapper100 on Oct 5, 2019 0:55:04 GMT
I don’t think she’s a narcissist. Her behaviour is more like this: she lent me some books about baking with cannabis. She asked for them back so she could lend them to another friend. I brought them to her house and said “thanks for the books, here they are so you can lend them to your friend”. She acts surprised and taken aback. She says “oh, so you don’t want my books?” in a tone that implies insult. I don’t know what to say, so I kinda stutter and say, “no thank you, I don’t need them” and she starts stacking up the books with great displeasure, sort of half-slamming them around, rolling her eyes, making rude faces and muttering “no thanks.. I don’t need them..” under her breath. It’s that kind of stuff all the time. All. The. Time. It sounds like she forgot she asked for them back. Why not reminder her that she asked for them back? Then she wouldn't have been upset with you well she could have but not with the same attitude as if they weren't good enough or whatever she was thinking.
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ashley
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,400
Jun 17, 2016 12:36:53 GMT
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Post by ashley on Oct 5, 2019 0:57:18 GMT
I don’t think she’s a narcissist. Her behaviour is more like this: she lent me some books about baking with cannabis. She asked for them back so she could lend them to another friend. I brought them to her house and said “thanks for the books, here they are so you can lend them to your friend”. She acts surprised and taken aback. She says “oh, so you don’t want my books?” in a tone that implies insult. I don’t know what to say, so I kinda stutter and say, “no thank you, I don’t need them” and she starts stacking up the books with great displeasure, sort of half-slamming them around, rolling her eyes, making rude faces and muttering “no thanks.. I don’t need them..” under her breath. It’s that kind of stuff all the time. All. The. Time. It sounds like she forgot she asked for them back. Why not reminder her that she asked for them back? Then she wouldn't have been upset with you well she could have but not with the same attitude as if they weren't good enough or whatever she was thinking. I did say that she’d asked for them back to give to her friend, and even referred to her friend by name. I was trying to be succinct. And it doesn’t excuse her being incredibly rude to me.
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Post by Scrapper100 on Oct 5, 2019 1:05:48 GMT
It sounds like she forgot she asked for them back. Why not reminder her that she asked for them back? Then she wouldn't have been upset with you well she could have but not with the same attitude as if they weren't good enough or whatever she was thinking. I did say that she’d asked for them back to give to her friend, and even referred to her friend by name. I was trying to be succinct. And it doesn’t excuse her being incredibly rude to me. Well you tried. I don't get her going on and on about you returning them if she asked for them but it doesn't sound like she is going to change any time soon. I wouldn't want my children around her. We have pulled back from family due to how they treat us and am much happier. It is really tough to have no one to help at all though luckily our son isn't real young but I still feel bad that he doesn't really have family at this point. It really stinks. I used to love the holidays and now I just dread them because of family issues and lack of family. The only way we do anything is if we put all the effort into everything and it's tiring.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Oct 5, 2019 1:08:00 GMT
As a parent I’d find a way to get my kids away from her—no matter what.
Otherwise she is teaching them that it’s okay to treat you rudely and be disrespectful...
And you’re allowing it.
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Post by lauradrumm on Oct 5, 2019 1:08:34 GMT
Some moms don’t know how to mom
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ashley
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,400
Jun 17, 2016 12:36:53 GMT
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Post by ashley on Oct 5, 2019 1:08:56 GMT
As a parent I’d find a way to get my kids away from her—no matter what. Otherwise she is teaching them that it’s okay to treat you rudely and be disrespectful... And you’re allowing it. I kinda don’t need to be blamed tonight.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Oct 5, 2019 1:11:30 GMT
As a parent I’d find a way to get my kids away from her—no matter what. Otherwise she is teaching them that it’s okay to treat you rudely and be disrespectful... And you’re allowing it. I kinda don’t need to be blamed tonight. I mean it in the kindest way possible. Truly I do. I hope you can find a way to make it work, for your sake as well as the well being of your kiddos.
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Post by bc2ca on Oct 5, 2019 1:15:34 GMT
And she’s been planning on leaving him for about a year now, ever since she received a decent inheritance from a friend, which she kept secret from my dad. This tells me it is even more important that you look for alternative care. Stop expecting anything from your mom. When DD was newborn, I joined a babysitting co-op. It was a leap of faith because I didn't know the other moms, except very casually by sight at the community center. You have nothing to lose putting out feelers to see if there is interest from others in your neighborhood. You are a strong person. You can do this.
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Post by elaine on Oct 5, 2019 1:20:27 GMT
(((Hugs)))
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Post by refugeepea on Oct 5, 2019 1:28:47 GMT
not at 5:30 in the morning or at a price I can afford. Don't be ashamed if you need to apply for aid for help with care! Have you checked into Boys and Girls club? They had a van that picked up kids from two of our elementary schools and held it at a third one where I live. I'm sure you live in a bigger populated area too. They were a great resource for me. Here's a link. www.bgccan.com/en/
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ashley
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,400
Jun 17, 2016 12:36:53 GMT
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Post by ashley on Oct 5, 2019 1:35:41 GMT
I live in Canada and we don’t have a club like that... I do receive some assistance already but there is nothing else specifically for daycare.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Oct 5, 2019 1:43:02 GMT
I would immediately start putting feelers out at the younger kid’s school, with the parents of their friends, somewhere online like Nextdoor, ask anyone and anywhere I could think of to see if I could find someone who wanted to swap sitting services. Even if the people you talk to can’t do it maybe one of them knows a friend who could. Is it possible for you to trade Friday and/or Saturday date night sitting in exchange for the weekday mornings you need someone to get your younger kids on the bus? I bet you would be able to find someone very willing to take that trade if you were able to do the weekend nights. And since things are likely to change after you get a full time job, I would get the 15 yo to watch the younger ones after school for the time being and come up with some perk to reward her for her willingness to pitch in and help. I’d do whatever it took to get the kids away from toxic grandma. That really sucks.
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ashley
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,400
Jun 17, 2016 12:36:53 GMT
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Post by ashley on Oct 5, 2019 1:54:16 GMT
The problem with finding anyone in the morning to help with the bus is that there’s only about three families at the bus stop and none of them have kids the same age as mine — but not old enough to babysit or help or anything. My kids don’t attend the neighbourhood school.
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Post by lucyg on Oct 5, 2019 1:57:20 GMT
I live in Canada and we don’t have a club like that... I do receive some assistance already but there is nothing else specifically for daycare. The link she gave you is for the Boys & Girls Club of Canada. I’m sorry you’re having these issues with your mom. Is there any chance of getting help (child care or $$$ for child care) from your ex? Could your trade with friends/neighbors ... before and after school care for your kids, for babysitting their kids on Friday or Saturday night if they want to go out?
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Post by Sanibel on Oct 5, 2019 2:02:03 GMT
I am so sorry you are hurting Ashley. I wish you were in my neighborhood, I would watch your kids for you!
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ashley
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,400
Jun 17, 2016 12:36:53 GMT
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Post by ashley on Oct 5, 2019 2:08:34 GMT
I think this says a lot about what kind of person she is: I sent her a text which said “I would like you to please stop talking negatively about dad to me and sharing your plans to leave him. I find it incredibly stressful”.
2.5 hrs later she replied “it’s only 8 degrees out, I’ll have to turn on the heat soon”.
I responded saying, “that is not a reply to my previous text”.
And now nothing.
I know a bunch of you will say that text isn’t the place to discuss this, but I know there is not an option to discuss it in person. I don’t even want to discuss it. I want her to say “ok”.
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Post by lucyg on Oct 5, 2019 2:17:25 GMT
I think this says a lot about what kind of person she is: I sent her a text which said “I would like you to please stop talking negatively about dad to me and sharing your plans to leave him. I find it incredibly stressful”. 2.5 hrs later she replied “it’s only 8 degrees out, I’ll have to turn on the heat soon”. I responded saying, “that is not a reply to my previous text”. And now nothing. I know a bunch of you will say that text isn’t the place to discuss this, but I know there is not an option to discuss it in person. I don’t even want to discuss it. I want her to say “ok”. But she’s not going to say OK. She’s enjoying tormenting you.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,387
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Oct 5, 2019 3:03:01 GMT
Please talk to the school; they should have resources in place to assist you. I'm also in Canada. Admittedly, I'm unsure if we are in the same province. Still.. it is worth a try.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Oct 5, 2019 3:20:00 GMT
The problem with finding anyone in the morning to help with the bus is that there’s only about three families at the bus stop and none of them have kids the same age as mine — but not old enough to babysit or help or anything. My kids don’t attend the neighbourhood school. My kid is almost old enough to be home alone for a little while during the day but I still wouldn’t leave her by herself for any amount of time at night because she wouldn’t be comfortable with that. Even if their kids aren’t the same age as yours, they might still be willing to help out for the time being. Especially since things are likely to change in a few months once your situation changes and there is an anticipated end date. You might be surprised by how many people may be willing to pitch in to help someone in need, but you have to be willing to ask. If one of my neighbors with kids was in that situation, I would be more than willing to do what I could to help out especially if it was just for a few months.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 11:24:27 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 5, 2019 3:35:29 GMT
I'm sorry this happened. She's obviously a very bitter person who likely can't handle caring for your dad and/or your children without anger and hostility. Knowing this, I wouldn't try talking/rationalizing with her unless you a prepared for her to walk. Take this time to get a plan in place for your children. I don't know how old your girls are, but if they are old enough to get ready by themselves, there might be some high school student, stay-at-home mom or retired individual willing to escort them to the bus stop every morning for a small fee.
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
Jun 25, 2014 21:53:42 GMT
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Oct 5, 2019 3:38:43 GMT
I know what it’s like to have a shit mom. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. If I was you I would start making plans for childcare when you are able to get a full time job after Christmas.
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Nanner
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,987
Jun 25, 2014 23:13:23 GMT
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Post by Nanner on Oct 5, 2019 3:39:47 GMT
I'm sorry, Ashley. That's especially shitty of her to say something like that around your children.
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PrettyInPeank
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,691
Jun 25, 2014 21:31:58 GMT
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Oct 5, 2019 4:03:57 GMT
I think this says a lot about what kind of person she is: I sent her a text which said “I would like you to please stop talking negatively about dad to me and sharing your plans to leave him. I find it incredibly stressful”. 2.5 hrs later she replied “it’s only 8 degrees out, I’ll have to turn on the heat soon”. I responded saying, “that is not a reply to my previous text”. And now nothing. I know a bunch of you will say that text isn’t the place to discuss this, but I know there is not an option to discuss it in person. I don’t even want to discuss it. I want her to say “ok”. I’m really sorry she treats you like this. I don’t know, the few things you’ve written are very personality-disorder like. She may not be a narcissist, but she may have personality disorder traits. Manipulative, non-apologetic, blaming, passive aggressive, it’s always centered around her and how she feels, etc. Out of the FOG is another good site to see if you can identify her behavioral traits. FOG stands for fear, obligation, guilt.
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