leeny
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Posts: 4,628
Location: Northern California
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Jun 27, 2014 1:55:53 GMT
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Post by leeny on Oct 13, 2019 0:47:08 GMT
I sure need some Pea advice. Our oldest, almost 40 yo ds, never married, no children, broke up with his longtime girlfriend last fall. Him and his soon to be ex told the family at a small family gathering just before it happened but they didn't elaborate and we didn't ask. Shortly after, DS showed up at my office as he was in town for work. We chatted outside in the parking lot for a few minutes and then I asked if he needed anything. He said "no, you told me never to ask you for anything." That was the last time I've seen him, almost a year ago. He also has pretty much cut off ties with his sisters, aunts and grandmother. I do follow him on Instagram so I know he is still working and doing what he does. Dh has texted him on occasion and ds will answer, though replies are pretty short and to the point and they only talk about their shared love of fishing. Dh will not broach the subject and I don't want him to as I don't want to jeopardize their relationship too. I had Dd send him a wedding invite to her wedding this summer though she didn't want to, and he did not RSVP or show up.
His 40th birthday is next month. I don't know if I should send him a card, or not make contact at all and leave it at that. I've told my relatives that he is a grown man and it is on him not me. I am torn trying to figure out when I told him not to ask for help and why that would also mean that he could no longer have a relationship with his family after all this time. Maybe it was when I paid off his car before it was repossessed 20 years ago or when I paid off speeding tickets so he could get a job around the same time.
Up until this event last fall, things weren't perfect, but we did talk and visit periodically. He lives about an hour from us.
WWTPD?
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Gennifer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,989
Jun 26, 2014 8:22:26 GMT
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Post by Gennifer on Oct 13, 2019 0:50:53 GMT
I’m a direct person, so I would call and ask him what’s going on. I can’t imagine not knowing for the past year what you did to make him upset... that must be hard for you, and extremely difficult for him as he went through such an emotional upheaval.
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Post by disneypal on Oct 13, 2019 1:03:37 GMT
I would send him a card and call him on his birthday.
Perhaps he has been depressed since the break up and just doesn’t want to deal with people
Have you tried to call him in the past year? How was your relationship before his split with his GF?
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Post by lucyg on Oct 13, 2019 1:18:03 GMT
I would send him a card, at least. If it doesn’t come back marked Refused, that’s a step.
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Post by chlerbie on Oct 13, 2019 1:39:12 GMT
What was your reply when he said that about never asking for anything? I'd try and get to the root of that. He's obvious upset about something and I'd be trying to talk to him and ask what is up? At least if you do that, and he doesn't reply, you'll know you did as much as you can.
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Post by jackietex on Oct 13, 2019 1:47:36 GMT
I'd send him a card. I don't see any disadvantage to doing that.
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Post by roberta on Oct 13, 2019 1:55:26 GMT
I would definitely acknowledge his birthday. Perhaps invite him to celebrate with you? If he doesn’t come you are no worse off. I suggest you try to find out what the issue is, and resolve it AFTER his birthday. Tell him how you feel = love him, miss him, confused, want to give him space and not intrude but no negatives at this point. Is he an introvert by nature? Introverts pull in when they are hurting. Perhaps his pain is too great for him to reach out? Could someone have said negative things to him about you all? Is this at all like his previous behavior? Could his gf have been encouraging him to be close to you and without her he feels ambivalent?
These questions are for you, not us.
I strongly feel you should never stop acknowledging his birthday or stop trying to connect (in a thoughtful and gentle manner).
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Post by mustlovecats on Oct 13, 2019 1:56:46 GMT
We chatted outside in the parking lot for a few minutes and then I asked if he needed anything. He said "no, you told me never to ask you for anything." That was the last time I've seen him, almost a year ago. He also has pretty much cut off ties with his sisters, aunts and grandmother. Why did he say that? Why did he cut those ties? My advice would be based on that.
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JustTricia
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,825
Location: Indianapolis
Jul 2, 2014 17:12:39 GMT
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Post by JustTricia on Oct 13, 2019 2:10:16 GMT
I’m confused from your post. Have you reached out to him since the parking lot conversation?
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Post by myshelly on Oct 13, 2019 3:02:13 GMT
Did you, at some point, tell him never to ask you for anything?
And if so, what was the context of that?
There has to be more to this story.
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Post by ~summer~ on Oct 13, 2019 3:04:14 GMT
Did you tell him to never ask you for anything? I’m a little confused.
I would definitely send him a card and say something like you are sorry for past conflicts and you are always there for him (or something depending on what your heart and head thinks...)
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Post by quinlove on Oct 13, 2019 3:17:25 GMT
My guess on this is that perhaps you said something about him to a relative and by the time it got replayed to your son, it was completely different. One tiny little remark about nothing got turned into you not wanting to do anything for him by the time it got back to him.
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Post by nlwilkins on Oct 13, 2019 3:39:37 GMT
Have you reached out at all to him this past year? This can work both ways. He might be telling his friends that he has not heard from you for a year. But, I feel for you. It would be very hard for me to not have heard from one of my daughters for a year.
I would of course, send a card. You might even enclose a gift card in it. Then a week or two later I would contact him and ask if the two of you could meet at a neutral place and talk. You need to find out what is bugging him and be prepared to listen. Let him tell it all without interrupting but up front make sure that he knows to stay so you can tell your side. You could even explain up front that he is different person now, twenty years later. Your willingness to help is different now than when he was not behaving responsibly.
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craftykitten
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Posts: 4,304
Jun 26, 2014 7:39:32 GMT
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Post by craftykitten on Oct 13, 2019 4:59:44 GMT
You're still fixed on helping him out 20 years ago? Your DD didnt want to invite her own brother to her wedding? Your son and his partner told you they were breaking up but no-one asked him about it? His dad texts him but only about fishing? There is clearly a whole lot more to this story. It sounds like there is so much communication missing
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Post by lucyg on Oct 13, 2019 5:10:41 GMT
I’m kind of shocked at the number of people asking questions that are answered right in the OP (which has not been edited as of this moment). leeny, maybe it would help if you added a few more paragraph breaks?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 26, 2024 7:50:41 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2019 5:25:35 GMT
I would not send a card. It always pissed me off when my mother did. I only opened the card to see if there was cash in it, which I would donate. Then I tossed it without looking at it.
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Post by pelirroja on Oct 13, 2019 12:57:04 GMT
I am someone who is estranged from one of my parents. My "last straw" was a realization of what our relationship was, what it would never be and how it made me feel. I realized that what I was feeling was missing the relationship I WISHED we had.
My parent would bring up things from ages ago when I was a kid and didn't know any better. Decades old events would be brought up, making me feel belittled and incompetent even though I was not/am not. Of course, I didn't have full capabilities: I was a kid and needed guidance but what I got was mocked. Even after 30+ years, stupid teenage mistakes were still held against me without forgiveness. The final straw was that they used something I had recently told them in confidence to insult me and cut me to the quick. They repeated what I told them word for word and it just broke me for the very last time. I just couldn't take it anymore. I really gave it everything I had but I had to draw a line and stop volunteering to be treated badly. I am NOT saying this is the case for you and your son, I am only relaying what MY personal experience was/is. Your story may be completely different from mine.
Several years have gone by with zero contact: no apology, no contact, nothing. It has taken quite a bit of time for me to heal. For me, I have chosen not to reconnect but I haven't ruled out the possibility of someday trying again.
Whatever it is that happened between you and your son, it might be possible that it is something other than the breakup and it might have occurred farther back than you remember or acknowledge. As far as reaching out to him, give it a try. If he doesn't respond that is the same situation that you currently have: nothing ventured/nothing gained.
I wish you well and truly hope you are able to repair the relationship. ((hugs))
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kibblesandbits
Pearl Clutcher
At the corner of Awesome and Bombdiggity
Posts: 3,305
Aug 13, 2016 13:47:39 GMT
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Post by kibblesandbits on Oct 13, 2019 13:09:45 GMT
It never hurts to continue to reach out.
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rickmer
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Posts: 4,123
Jul 1, 2014 20:20:18 GMT
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Post by rickmer on Oct 13, 2019 13:16:18 GMT
i would send the card, wishing him a happy bday, telling him you hope he is well and you think of him often.
and then i would reach out again after his birthday, probably by letter or email, to try to let him know you are confused, you love him very much and are hopeful you can work things out. it is hard to know what to say as you don't really give a sense of what your relationship was with him prior to this break up...
i am not sure i would never give up - i might respect their wishes to not have a relationship, even though it would break make heart, but i would still send a card every year on their birthday, and probably christmas too.
good luck - i hope you can get to the bottom of this and resume a relationship with your DS.
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Post by gar on Oct 13, 2019 13:32:29 GMT
Could he be upset that, knowing he was breaking up with his partner, you didn't talk to him more and see how he was? Did he feel abandoned at a time when he was very low perhaps. When you saw him in the parking lot did you talk about the breakup any further? Does he think you weren't interested?
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Post by tentoes on Oct 13, 2019 13:39:38 GMT
No advice. Just sending ((HUGS)). Family dynamics are a puzzle sometimes. I hope you can get to the bottom of this and restore your relationship.
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Post by summer on Oct 13, 2019 13:49:19 GMT
Why wait a month until his birthday? Contact him now, maybe then you’ll be on better terms when his birthday arrives. I’m not understanding why a break up with a girlfriend lead to estrangement from his family? There’s a lot we are missing here. You don’t have to share with us, but for your own understanding, can you think of a reason why he’d want to cut ties with his family?
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luckyjune
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Posts: 2,685
Location: In the rainy, rainy WA
Jul 22, 2017 4:59:41 GMT
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Post by luckyjune on Oct 13, 2019 14:36:13 GMT
I have a sibling who has removed herself from our family (she does see and keep in contact with my brother). My parents are brokenhearted. She offers no reason and has refused letters/phone calls. She's married, with a daughter and is successful and well-known in her career. This is SO not our family. Those of us who were cut out (including me) have no idea what we did to cause this break. Nothing makes sense.
My parents are in their late 70s and at this point, I'm thinking they'll never see her again or talk to her again.
OP, send the card. You might not hear back, but at least your ds knows the door is open.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 26, 2024 7:50:41 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2019 14:49:36 GMT
I have a sibling who has removed herself from our family (she does see and keep in contact with my brother). My parents are brokenhearted. She offers no reason and has refused letters/phone calls. She's married, with a daughter and is successful and well-known in her career. This is SO not our family. Those of us who were cut out (including me) have no idea what we did to cause this break. Nothing makes sense. My parents are in their late 70s and at this point, I'm thinking they'll never see her again or talk to her again. OP, send the card. You might not hear back, but at least your ds knows the door is open. Most likely your parents know exactly what happen. They just don’t want to accept any blame. My mother knew exactly what she said., but she wouldn’t tell anybody what she said. She wanted me to look like the ungrateful shit of a daughter.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 26, 2024 7:50:41 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2019 15:44:22 GMT
I think a few of us are questioning what your response was when he made his comment about never asking for help because it seems like he needed it at that moment. Just because he did some stupid things when he was 20, he was fairly young, that was a long time ago, and I think that financial support is different from emotional support. I’m sure your relationship with him is much more complicated, but honestly if you aren’t able to be there for him now, then I wouldn’t do anything because I think it would be meaningless and insincere.
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Post by bc2ca on Oct 13, 2019 16:13:50 GMT
I sure need some Pea advice. Our oldest, almost 40 yo ds, never married, no children, broke up with his longtime girlfriend last fall. Him and his soon to be ex told the family at a small family gathering just before it happened but they didn't elaborate and we didn't ask. Shortly after, DS showed up at my office as he was in town for work. We chatted outside in the parking lot for a few minutes and then I asked if he needed anything. He said "no, you told me never to ask you for anything." That was the last time I've seen him, almost a year ago. He also has pretty much cut off ties with his sisters, aunts and grandmother. I do follow him on Instagram so I know he is still working and doing what he does. Dh has texted him on occasion and ds will answer, though replies are pretty short and to the point and they only talk about their shared love of fishing. Dh will not broach the subject and I don't want him to as I don't want to jeopardize their relationship too. I had Dd send him a wedding invite to her wedding this summer though she didn't want to, and he did not RSVP or show up.His 40th birthday is next month. I don't know if I should send him a card, or not make contact at all and leave it at that. I've told my relatives that he is a grown man and it is on him not me. I am torn trying to figure out when I told him not to ask for help and why that would also mean that he could no longer have a relationship with his family after all this time. Maybe it was when I paid off his car before it was repossessed 20 years ago or when I paid off speeding tickets so he could get a job around the same time. Up until this event last fall, things weren't perfect, but we did talk and visit periodically. He lives about an hour from us. WWTPD? There is so much of the family dynamic missing here, especially the cutting off ties with siblings and his sister not wanting to invite him to her wedding. All of that implies some things very specific were said, rather than a quiet slipping away from interacting with the family. Families have a way of keeping each other in certain "roles". The irresponsible son you bailed out years ago may not feel he can get ever away from that role and is no longer interested in playing the part. Have you told him how proud you are of the man he has become? Relationships take two people interested in making it happen. It's not just on him if you really want to be part of his life. It is on you to reflect, accept and understand his point of view.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Oct 13, 2019 16:18:32 GMT
There would appear to be a whole lot more dysfunction in your relationship with him than a simple birthday card could ever hope to fix. Relationships take some work and no one seems to be putting any in. If you truly want it to be different, you are going to have to be different. You might want to seek some advice from a family counselor who can get you on the right track.
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Post by grammadee on Oct 13, 2019 16:27:59 GMT
Marriage breakups are hard on the whole family, including the parents/inlaws. There is a lot of anger and it often gets misplaced onto the very people who have your back. One disagreeing remark may be interpreted as judging his actions or his whole being.
I would move slowly. Keep the lines of communication open. Send him the birthday card, and a gift if you usually would do that. Phone him on his birthday. If he lets your call go to voicemail, leave a simple Happy Birthday message. If he answers, try to keep the topic his birthday, his plans to celebrate. If you are getting together for Thanksgiving of Christmas, invite him.
If you ask a question and he gives a short to the point answer, accept that as his answer. If you pressure him for details and he already thinks you are judging him (based on his misinterpretation) then he will think you are prying. If there is news about you, tell him matter of factly. If he asks a question, answer it. But don't overwhelm him with details.
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Post by elaine on Oct 13, 2019 16:39:24 GMT
I sure need some Pea advice. Our oldest, almost 40 yo ds, never married, no children, broke up with his longtime girlfriend last fall. Him and his soon to be ex told the family at a small family gathering just before it happened but they didn't elaborate and we didn't ask. Shortly after, DS showed up at my office as he was in town for work. We chatted outside in the parking lot for a few minutes and then I asked if he needed anything. He said "no, you told me never to ask you for anything." That was the last time I've seen him, almost a year ago. He also has pretty much cut off ties with his sisters, aunts and grandmother. I do follow him on Instagram so I know he is still working and doing what he does. Dh has texted him on occasion and ds will answer, though replies are pretty short and to the point and they only talk about their shared love of fishing. Dh will not broach the subject and I don't want him to as I don't want to jeopardize their relationship too. I had Dd send him a wedding invite to her wedding this summer though she didn't want to, and he did not RSVP or show up. His 40th birthday is next month. I don't know if I should send him a card, or not make contact at all and leave it at that. I've told my relatives that he is a grown man and it is on him not me. I am torn trying to figure out when I told him not to ask for help and why that would also mean that he could no longer have a relationship with his family after all this time. Maybe it was when I paid off his car before it was repossessed 20 years ago or when I paid off speeding tickets so he could get a job around the same time. Up until this event last fall, things weren't perfect, but we did talk and visit periodically. He lives about an hour from us. WWTPD? Huh? I have absolutely no idea what this means in context? It seems like a complete non sequitur. You are an adult too, I presume. So, what in the world does “being an adult” have to do with who contacts whom? If YOU want a relationship with your son, it is up to YOU to make the contact, overtures, follow up. Don’t expect him, or anyone else, to do your work for you. If YOU don’t care enough to take the risks and put in the work that developing a new relationship with your son entails, then you have your answer. He clearly doesn’t want to put the work into a relationship with you as it stands right now. Only you two know why. If YOU want a relationship with him, YOU have to work to make that something he is open to working towards. Buying a card, writing a couple of sentences, and paying for the postage seems like such a small gesture that I have a hard time understanding why you would have to run that by a message board, rather than just doing it. It is maybe 10 minutes of your life, total, and practically risk-free. I’m sorry that this sounds harsh, but life is short. You, or he, could die at any time. I don’t understand your approach to this whole situation. I will guess that you have left out reams of information, but if it is as you state it is, get off your butt and do something to re-establish a relationship with a child you gave birth to, raised, and who - if all is as you state - hasn’t abused or been toxic to you in any way.
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LeaP
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,939
Location: Los Angeles, CA where 405 meets 101
Jun 26, 2014 23:17:22 GMT
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Post by LeaP on Oct 13, 2019 17:00:22 GMT
I would call and invite him over for a birthday dinner. If he accepts make something you know he likes and get him a nice gift. If he doesn't answer leave a message and then text to follow up.
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