confused
Junior Member
Posts: 51 
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Post by confused on Jun 15, 2015 2:30:03 GMT
Hi peas. First of all I've been a long time member of the peas, although I haven't always been a main contributor. My family and friends know my user name and I don't want this to be traced back to me, thus the anonymous account. This is going to be long...
So here goes. My husband and I have been together 12 years. We have 3 little kids (first grade and under.) We've had more than our share of ups and downs. We were engaged once, split up just months before the wedding, got back together, were together a couple more years, got engaged again, finally got married and had kids, and once after we had kids we separated for a month before getting back together.
A couple years ago we went through a really bad time and he confessed to *almost* cheating on me. He was out with this woman and some of her friends, they danced, that was supposedly it. I have never believed him. I caught her calling his phone at 1 am, he claims she was calling to see if he knew where he keys were because they weren't on the bar table. Riiiiight. To this day I still think he cheated. We split up, were planning a divorce, but decided to reconcile. We had 3 kids together and we thought we loved each other. We thought if we made time for each other and stopped always putting the kids first that maybe our marriage would work.
DH is a workaholic and is not much help when he is home. I do EVERYTHING for the house and the kids. Our friends and family see it and have made many comments to me over the years about how little DH helps. It's not just me saying it...even his sister has said things. I often get frustrated at him for not helping in obvious situations (kids fighting, juice spilled, bathtime, mealtime.) If I don't TELL him to do it, then he wouldn't even dream of helping on his own. He is so oblivious that it's ridiculous.
Our sex life has never been great, but it's gotten so predictable and boring that I don't even enjoy it anymore. TMI alert: it bothers me immensely that he refuses to give me oral sex. He says he doesn't like it. I have tried showering, Brazilian wax, etc. But he still won't. I quit giving him oral sex because...why should I if he won't??
He has always had an issue with communication and showing emotion. That's always been a problem for me. He doesn't like to hold hands, never ever tells me I look pretty or that I smell good, and if I attempt to talk to him about any of this he just clams up and refuses to talk. I'm at my wit's end.
Life is fine. I love my kids, I love my house, my job, etc. And honestly, I like my husband. We could have been GREAT friends. I like to hang out and talk with him. But I just feel like something is lacking. I've always felt like it would just get better but it seems to be getting worse. I want love, romance, passion, good sex. Is that too much to ask for? Am I searching for something elusive? I truly need some advice. A couple of my friends just feel that this is normal...but I feel like there must be something more. Do you ladies feel that every relationship is like this and that I need to learn to live with it? Or have you all found the love of your life and I should try to move on? Any and all advice welcome. If you've gotten this far, thank you so much for listening.
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caro
Drama Llama
Refupea 1130
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Post by caro on Jun 15, 2015 2:38:52 GMT
Have you tried marriage counseling? Either together or separately? Are you in a mid-life crisis?
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Post by scrapmaven on Jun 15, 2015 2:40:19 GMT
There is so much to fix and it doesn't sound at all like a happy marriage. First and foremost, the trust isn't there and w/o trust your marriage slowly deteriorates. Resentment and anger build unless they're dealt w/ by both parties. Have you done marriage counseling? You really do need it. Either he cheated and continues to lie about it or you are driving him crazy by not trusting him when he told you the truth.
As for the intimacy, he doesn't like that particular act. Perhaps you can find other things that you like that he can do while still doing the thing for him that he likes. Trying new things can enhance the marriage and make things more exciting and intimate.
That he isn't affectionate is a problem, too. So much to fix and unless you work together in counseling it's going to remain like this. I'm not a believer in staying together for the kids, but I am a firm believer in doing all that you can to fall back in love w/the other party. However, if he is a liar that could be a deal breaker. Lying is intolerable and if he just had that one night stand then you can work on things, but if he's done this more than once then it's habitual and he has a lot of amends to make and work to do.
I don't know whether you should move on or stay. Only you can make that call. However, marriage counseling is a must. If nothing else you need individual counseling in order to figure out what you want. Good luck to you. You have options. I wish you whatever outcome will give your family happiness and peace.
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Post by mom on Jun 15, 2015 2:41:34 GMT
Where to begin???
1. Trust is obviously an issue. Have you tried counseling?
2. Has he always been a workaholic or is this new? Maybe he just doesn't like being at home?
3. Sounds like he is lazy. How was he raised? It sounds like you are treating him like a child.
4. Issues with communication and emotion? Counseling sounds like a plan.
5, Sex - if he doesn't like oral sex so what? Surely ya'll can find another way to play around. And you refusing to 'service' him because he doesn't like to service you? Honestly? Sounds immature. Everyone likes what they like. Don't punish him because he doesn't like doing that to you.
6. Life is NOT fine. You are obviously unhappy. That being said, you cannot have all the other things your looking for without there being a solid friendship first. While the other things are out there (romance, passion..) you have to remember why the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. It gets watered regularly.
Honestly? I think you two need to invest in each other. A good solid marriage takes work and effort. ON BOTH ENDS. No marriage is perfect & you just don't get a good one without trying.
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Post by elaine on Jun 15, 2015 2:42:36 GMT
It doesn't matter if it is normal or enough for anyone else, if it isn't working for you, then it isn't working.
Have you and your husband gone to marital counseling, or have you been doing it all on your own? If your haven't been to counseling yet, I suggest trying it before coming to any conclusions.
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Post by Skellinton on Jun 15, 2015 2:46:42 GMT
I agree you need to go counseling, preferably both together and alone, if he won't go, you should on your own.
I don't think staying together just for your children is healthy, myself. Your children deserve to see you happy, even if that means you are single.
Good luck, sometimes love just isn't enough. It dies speak volumes that you like him though, that is incredibly important. Was the sex ever satisfying? I have to believe if it was once, it could be again.
Good luck!
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Post by originalvanillabean on Jun 15, 2015 2:51:31 GMT
My first thought is counseling.
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confused
Junior Member
Posts: 51
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Post by confused on Jun 15, 2015 2:57:26 GMT
Where to begin??? 1. Trust is obviously an issue. Have you tried counseling? 2. Has he always been a workaholic or is this new? Maybe he just doesn't like being at home? 3. Sounds like he is lazy. How was he raised? It sounds like you are treating him like a child. 4. Issues with communication and emotion? Counseling sounds like a plan. 5, Sex - if he doesn't like oral sex so what? Surely ya'll can find another way to play around. And you refusing to 'service' him because he doesn't like to service you? Honestly? Sounds immature. Everyone likes what they like. Don't punish him because he doesn't like doing that to you. 6. Life is NOT fine. You are obviously unhappy. That being said, you cannot have all the other things your looking for without there being a solid friendship first. While the other things are out there (romance, passion..) you have to remember why the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. It gets watered regularly. Honestly? I think you two need to invest in each other. A good solid marriage takes work and effort. ON BOTH ENDS. No marriage is perfect & you just don't get a good one without trying. 1. We haven't been to counseling. He says he can't talk to a stranger. To be honest I've never thought of going to counseling on my own. 2. Yes he's always been a workaholic but I assumed/hoped that it would slide a bit when we had kids. Nope. 3. Oddly enough, he had to do lots of chores and cleaning as a kid/teen. I'm not sure why he changed. I suppose I'm enabling him. But if I don't do it then it doesn't get done!!! I can't live in a filthy house with no clean clothes. For real, if I am not caught up enough on laundry he will do one load OF ONLY HIS CLOTHES. Pisses me off. 4. I agree counseling should be a definite. 5. Eh, I'm OK being immature on that one. He's selfish in bed and I honestly don't think he deserves a blow job. 6. Thank you for all the advice. I agree with most of what you've said. I am unsure if he is willing to work as hard as I think he needs to for this to work. (That was a mouthful, I hope I made sense.) |
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confused
Junior Member
Posts: 51
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Post by confused on Jun 15, 2015 2:59:24 GMT
I agree you need to go counseling, preferably both together and alone, if he won't go, you should on your own. I don't think staying together just for your children is healthy, myself. Your children deserve to see you happy, even if that means you are single. Good luck, sometimes love just isn't enough. It dies speak volumes that you like him though, that is incredibly important. Was the sex ever satisfying? I have to believe if it was once, it could be again. Good luck! The sex has been satisfying, yes...but never great. I've tried bringing home kama sutra books and dog earring pages...he isn't interested. We actually fought on vacation this year because he didn't want to have sex and I did. Ugh. It sucks to feel so unsexy... |
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Post by mom on Jun 15, 2015 3:02:11 GMT
Where to begin??? 1. Trust is obviously an issue. Have you tried counseling? 2. Has he always been a workaholic or is this new? Maybe he just doesn't like being at home? 3. Sounds like he is lazy. How was he raised? It sounds like you are treating him like a child. 4. Issues with communication and emotion? Counseling sounds like a plan. 5, Sex - if he doesn't like oral sex so what? Surely ya'll can find another way to play around. And you refusing to 'service' him because he doesn't like to service you? Honestly? Sounds immature. Everyone likes what they like. Don't punish him because he doesn't like doing that to you. 6. Life is NOT fine. You are obviously unhappy. That being said, you cannot have all the other things your looking for without there being a solid friendship first. While the other things are out there (romance, passion..) you have to remember why the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. It gets watered regularly. Honestly? I think you two need to invest in each other. A good solid marriage takes work and effort. ON BOTH ENDS. No marriage is perfect & you just don't get a good one without trying. 1. We haven't been to counseling. He says he can't talk to a stranger. To be honest I've never thought of going to counseling on my own. 2. Yes he's always been a workaholic but I assumed/hoped that it would slide a bit when we had kids. Nope. 3. Oddly enough, he had to do lots of chores and cleaning as a kid/teen. I'm not sure why he changed. I suppose I'm enabling him. But if I don't do it then it doesn't get done!!! I can't live in a filthy house with no clean clothes. For real, if I am not caught up enough on laundry he will do one load OF ONLY HIS CLOTHES. Pisses me off. 4. I agree counseling should be a definite. 5. Eh, I'm OK being immature on that one. He's selfish in bed and I honestly don't think he deserves a blow job. 6. Thank you for all the advice. I agree with most of what you've said. I am unsure if he is willing to work as hard as I think he needs to for this to work. (That was a mouthful, I hope I made sense.) Hugs. I hope I didn't sound harsh. I've been in your shoes, and well, it sucks. We divorced - my boys were 3 and 1.5. There was abuse and divorce was the only way to go. We have both remarried to other people now. And while my marriage now isn't perfect, it is worlds better than before. But we both work on it daily. |
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confused
Junior Member
Posts: 51
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Post by confused on Jun 15, 2015 3:02:39 GMT
There is so much to fix and it doesn't sound at all like a happy marriage. First and foremost, the trust isn't there and w/o trust your marriage slowly deteriorates. Resentment and anger build unless they're dealt w/ by both parties. Have you done marriage counseling? You really do need it. Either he cheated and continues to lie about it or you are driving him crazy by not trusting him when he told you the truth. As for the intimacy, he doesn't like that particular act. Perhaps you can find other things that you like that he can do while still doing the thing for him that he likes. Trying new things can enhance the marriage and make things more exciting and intimate. That he isn't affectionate is a problem, too. So much to fix and unless you work together in counseling it's going to remain like this. I'm not a believer in staying together for the kids, but I am a firm believer in doing all that you can to fall back in love w/the other party. However, if he is a liar that could be a deal breaker. Lying is intolerable and if he just had that one night stand then you can work on things, but if he's done this more than once then it's habitual and he has a lot of amends to make and work to do. I don't know whether you should move on or stay. Only you can make that call. However, marriage counseling is a must. If nothing else you need individual counseling in order to figure out what you want. Good luck to you. You have options. I wish you whatever outcome will give your family happiness and peace. I don't bring up the cheating thing. I realize that if I am wrong it would be awful for him to be continually accused. I do think of it often though. I don't believe that it's happened more than that once. As for the intimacy, he's very unwilling to try anything other than kissing and sex. It makes foreplay pretty tough. Thank you, you really gave great advice and I appreciate it. |
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confused
Junior Member
Posts: 51
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Post by confused on Jun 15, 2015 3:04:25 GMT
1. We haven't been to counseling. He says he can't talk to a stranger. To be honest I've never thought of going to counseling on my own. 2. Yes he's always been a workaholic but I assumed/hoped that it would slide a bit when we had kids. Nope. 3. Oddly enough, he had to do lots of chores and cleaning as a kid/teen. I'm not sure why he changed. I suppose I'm enabling him. But if I don't do it then it doesn't get done!!! I can't live in a filthy house with no clean clothes. For real, if I am not caught up enough on laundry he will do one load OF ONLY HIS CLOTHES. Pisses me off. 4. I agree counseling should be a definite. 5. Eh, I'm OK being immature on that one. He's selfish in bed and I honestly don't think he deserves a blow job. 6. Thank you for all the advice. I agree with most of what you've said. I am unsure if he is willing to work as hard as I think he needs to for this to work. (That was a mouthful, I hope I made sense.) Hugs. I hope I didn't sound harsh. I've been in your shoes, and well, it sucks. We divorced - my boys were 3 and 1.5. There was abuse and divorce was the only way to go. We have both remarried to other people now. And while my marriage now isn't perfect, it is worlds better than before. But we both work on it daily. No, no, you weren't harsh. I sincerely am looking for all the viewpoints, not just people that nod their head and say "oh you are so right!!"  There is no abuse here. If there was it would be a no brainer for me. |
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confused
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Post by confused on Jun 15, 2015 3:06:21 GMT
Have you tried marriage counseling? Either together or separately? Are you in a mid-life crisis? I really don't think I'm in a mid life crisis. But then again would I recognize if I was?? It's pretty much always been like this. I'm just getting tired of dealing with it. |
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May 17, 2024 23:51:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2015 3:12:00 GMT
Honestly, I would also suggest counseling (even for just you), so you have no regrets no matter what decision you make. That said, I highly recommend learning and knowing your love language and his (The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman). It took me a while to convince DH that our marriage was worth saving and that I truly loved him because I wasn't loving him the way that he felt love. (If anyone had told me before that I probably would have laughed, but wished I had listened).
The other book that helped change my perspective was "Desparate Marraiges" also by Gary Chapman. Some of it hit me right in the gut....
good luck and I admire that you are asking for help. To me (and I tend to be weirder than most), your children deserve for you to give it every effort and only you can decide when that is done and whether you stay or go. I am one that believes it is very rarely greener on the other side unless you solve YOUR personal issues first.
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GiantsFan
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Jun 27, 2014 14:44:56 GMT
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Post by GiantsFan on Jun 15, 2015 3:13:19 GMT
I have no advice, but wanted to say I'm sorry you are going through this.
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Post by mom on Jun 15, 2015 3:17:25 GMT
Honestly, I would also suggest counseling (even for just you), so you have no regrets no matter what decision you make. That said, I highly recommend learning and knowing your love language and his (The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman). It took me a while to convince DH that our marriage was worth saving and that I truly loved him because I wasn't loving him the way that he felt love. (If anyone had told me before that I probably would have laughed, but wished I had listened). The other book that helped change my perspective was "Desparate Marraiges" also by Gary Chapman. Some of it hit me right in the gut.... good luck and I admire that you are asking for help. To me (and I tend to be weirder than most), your children deserve for you to give it every effort and only you can decide when that is done and whether you stay or go. I am one that believes it is very rarely greener on the other side unless you solve YOUR personal issues first. Awesome books! Highly recommend them as well! |
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confused
Junior Member
Posts: 51
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Post by confused on Jun 15, 2015 3:24:20 GMT
Honestly, I would also suggest counseling (even for just you), so you have no regrets no matter what decision you make. That said, I highly recommend learning and knowing your love language and his (The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman). It took me a while to convince DH that our marriage was worth saving and that I truly loved him because I wasn't loving him the way that he felt love. (If anyone had told me before that I probably would have laughed, but wished I had listened). The other book that helped change my perspective was "Desparate Marraiges" also by Gary Chapman. Some of it hit me right in the gut.... good luck and I admire that you are asking for help. To me (and I tend to be weirder than most), your children deserve for you to give it every effort and only you can decide when that is done and whether you stay or go. I am one that believes it is very rarely greener on the other side unless you solve YOUR personal issues first. ok, Amazon is delivering The 5 Love Languages to me on Wednesday. I agree about the kids. I want for them to grow up in a house that has 2 (happy) parents. I just don't want to give up my happiness to do that. Thank you for the book advice. |
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Post by scrappychick on Jun 15, 2015 3:47:51 GMT
Honestly, you never should have married the man. Together, not together, together, not together, together, separated, together, cheating, together? My head is spinning! You definitely owe yourself some counseling, but if he isn't willing to work on any of the issues in your marriage, then you might need to walk away.
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Post by freecharlie on Jun 15, 2015 3:55:30 GMT
Where to begin??? 1. Trust is obviously an issue. Have you tried counseling? 2. Has he always been a workaholic or is this new? Maybe he just doesn't like being at home? 3. Sounds like he is lazy. How was he raised? It sounds like you are treating him like a child. 4. Issues with communication and emotion? Counseling sounds like a plan. 5, Sex - if he doesn't like oral sex so what? Surely ya'll can find another way to play around. And you refusing to 'service' him because he doesn't like to service you? Honestly? Sounds immature. Everyone likes what they like. Don't punish him because he doesn't like doing that to you. 6. Life is NOT fine. You are obviously unhappy. That being said, you cannot have all the other things your looking for without there being a solid friendship first. While the other things are out there (romance, passion..) you have to remember why the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. It gets watered regularly. Honestly? I think you two need to invest in each other. A good solid marriage takes work and effort. ON BOTH ENDS. No marriage is perfect & you just don't get a good one without trying. 1. We haven't been to counseling. He says he can't talk to a stranger. To be honest I've never thought of going to counseling on my own. 2. Yes he's always been a workaholic but I assumed/hoped that it would slide a bit when we had kids. Nope. 3. Oddly enough, he had to do lots of chores and cleaning as a kid/teen. I'm not sure why he changed. I suppose I'm enabling him. But if I don't do it then it doesn't get done!!! I can't live in a filthy house with no clean clothes. For real, if I am not caught up enough on laundry he will do one load OF ONLY HIS CLOTHES. Pisses me off. 4. I agree counseling should be a definite. 5. Eh, I'm OK being immature on that one. He's selfish in bed and I honestly don't think he deserves a blow job. 6. Thank you for all the advice. I agree with most of what you've said. I am unsure if he is willing to work as hard as I think he needs to for this to work. (That was a mouthful, I hope I made sense.) What are you doing to change things? You say he needs to work hard, but how hard are you working? In a marriage the only one you can control is you. You can tell him what you need or what you want, but you can only control you. |
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confused
Junior Member
Posts: 51
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Post by confused on Jun 15, 2015 3:58:10 GMT
Honestly, you never should have married the man. Together, not together, together, not together, together, separated, together, cheating, together? My head is spinning! You definitely owe yourself some counseling, but if he isn't willing to work on any of the issues in your marriage, then you might need to walk away. yeah maybe not, but it's a little late for that now. |
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confused
Junior Member
Posts: 51
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Post by confused on Jun 15, 2015 4:03:59 GMT
1. We haven't been to counseling. He says he can't talk to a stranger. To be honest I've never thought of going to counseling on my own. 2. Yes he's always been a workaholic but I assumed/hoped that it would slide a bit when we had kids. Nope. 3. Oddly enough, he had to do lots of chores and cleaning as a kid/teen. I'm not sure why he changed. I suppose I'm enabling him. But if I don't do it then it doesn't get done!!! I can't live in a filthy house with no clean clothes. For real, if I am not caught up enough on laundry he will do one load OF ONLY HIS CLOTHES. Pisses me off. 4. I agree counseling should be a definite. 5. Eh, I'm OK being immature on that one. He's selfish in bed and I honestly don't think he deserves a blow job. 6. Thank you for all the advice. I agree with most of what you've said. I am unsure if he is willing to work as hard as I think he needs to for this to work. (That was a mouthful, I hope I made sense.) What are you doing to change things? You say he needs to work hard, but how hard are you working? In a marriage the only one you can control is you. You can tell him what you need or what you want, but you can only control you. Well, I try to talk to him about how I'm feeling, with no response. I try to tell him what I want or would like in bed, with very little response. I have asked him to go to counseling, which he refused. I honestly feel like I *am* working hard to save the marriage before I give up. There's oh so much I can do when he won't listen to my feelings or needs and he isn't changing... am I looking at this the wrong way?? I think the only thing that I can do more right now is to just get over it my feeling unhappy and that doesn't seem fair. |
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Post by freecharlie on Jun 15, 2015 4:06:44 GMT
What are you doing to change things? You say he needs to work hard, but how hard are you working? In a marriage the only one you can control is you. You can tell him what you need or what you want, but you can only control you. Well, I try to talk to him about how I'm feeling, with no response. I try to tell him what I want or would like in bed, with very little response. I have asked him to go to counseling, which he refused. I honestly feel like I *am* working hard to save the marriage before I give up. There's oh so much I can do when he won't listen to my feelings or needs and he isn't changing... am I looking at this the wrong way?? I think the only thing that I can do more right now is to just get over it my feeling unhappy and that doesn't seem fair. You don't have to get over feeling unhappy, but everything seems to hinge on what HE is doing or not doing. Again, what you can control is YOU. What you are doing, not what he is doing. You've asked him to change who he is, what he wants, what he likes. |
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confused
Junior Member
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Post by confused on Jun 15, 2015 4:09:51 GMT
Well, I try to talk to him about how I'm feeling, with no response. I try to tell him what I want or would like in bed, with very little response. I have asked him to go to counseling, which he refused. I honestly feel like I *am* working hard to save the marriage before I give up. There's oh so much I can do when he won't listen to my feelings or needs and he isn't changing... am I looking at this the wrong way?? I think the only thing that I can do more right now is to just get over it my feeling unhappy and that doesn't seem fair. You don't have to get over feeling unhappy, but everything seems to hinge on what HE is doing or not doing. Again, what you can control is YOU. What you are doing, not what he is doing. You've asked him to change who he is, what he wants, what he likes. really? I've asked him to change who he is, what he wants, and what he likes because I expect him to help clean the house or take care of the kids or to tell me I look pretty? That doesn't seem like I'm expecting him to change anything that he is. I'm not sure what you read or what you think I asked him to do that is so horrible. |
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Post by PEArfect on Jun 15, 2015 4:13:13 GMT
"I want love, romance, passion, good sex. Is that too much to ask for? Am I searching for something elusive?"
NO it's not elusive. I had it for 22 years. It's out there (go find it!) I'm not a therapist, but it sounds like you've already made up your mind. He's a good roommate, not a good husband. Maybe you love him, but you're not in love with him. You don't sound happy. Life is to short to be unhappy. Just my $0.02!
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Post by leftturnonly on Jun 15, 2015 4:14:08 GMT
Every relationship is not like this, since you asked.
You won't do this act for me, so I won't for you - I wonder how much of that is repeated in other areas of your lives together?
He doesn't do a whole list of things you would like him to do.
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confused
Junior Member
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Post by confused on Jun 15, 2015 4:15:17 GMT
Well, I try to talk to him about how I'm feeling, with no response. I try to tell him what I want or would like in bed, with very little response. I have asked him to go to counseling, which he refused. I honestly feel like I *am* working hard to save the marriage before I give up. There's oh so much I can do when he won't listen to my feelings or needs and he isn't changing... am I looking at this the wrong way?? I think the only thing that I can do more right now is to just get over it my feeling unhappy and that doesn't seem fair. You don't have to get over feeling unhappy, but everything seems to hinge on what HE is doing or not doing. Again, what you can control is YOU. What you are doing, not what he is doing. You've asked him to change who he is, what he wants, what he likes. I'm just confused on how you you think I can change the way I feel about what he is doing. Yes my complaints here hinge on what he is or is not doing, but how should I react when the kids are screaming and I'm trying to make supper while he sits and does nothing? I just don't understand you thinking that I should not react to what he is or isn't doing. I am human. I am going to react to that. |
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confused
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Post by confused on Jun 15, 2015 4:20:20 GMT
He doesn't do a whole list of things you would like him to do. I'm sincerely bothered by this portion of your post. I'm truly not trying to argue with you, but I'm genuinely curious: what in my "list of things" that I would like him to do is out of line? I feel like as the other half of my relationship, the father of my children, and a member of the house, he should be expected to help with cleaning or fights between the kids or making intimacy better for me (and therefore both of us)... is that what you're referring to? I am baffled that a couple of peas seem to be insinuating that I'm asking for too much. |
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Post by freecharlie on Jun 15, 2015 4:22:48 GMT
You don't have to get over feeling unhappy, but everything seems to hinge on what HE is doing or not doing. Again, what you can control is YOU. What you are doing, not what he is doing. You've asked him to change who he is, what he wants, what he likes. really? I've asked him to change who he is, what he wants, and what he likes because I expect him to help clean the house or take care of the kids or to tell me I look pretty? That doesn't seem like I'm expecting him to change anything that he is. I'm not sure what you read or what you think I asked him to do that is so horrible. It isn't horrible, but again, what you can control is you. You don't want him to work as much, but he was a workaholic when you married. That would be changing him You want him to do oral sex, he doesn't like it. That would be changing him. He's always had a problem with communication. You want him to communicate more. That would be changing him. I'm not saying the things you want aren't relevant and I am not saying that he shouldn't strive to meet them. I am saying you are focusing on his bad in the relationship. Do you have any bad that you can work on? Or are all the problems on his shoulders. I get it. He doesn't sound like the gem that we all want to be married to. I struggle with some of the same issues with DH at times too. But I can't change him. I can change how I react and or act. For instance. DH wouldn't notice that laundry needed done (except his) if I put it on his pillow, but if I ask him to do a load of laundry he will. So instead of waiting for him to offer. Ask him to do something. I would recommend a therapist for YOU. If and when he wants to join, you will be more ready to work with him once you work on yourself. |
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Post by leftturnonly on Jun 15, 2015 4:41:07 GMT
He doesn't do a whole list of things you would like him to do. I'm sincerely bothered by this portion of your post. I'm truly not trying to argue with you, but I'm genuinely curious: what in my "list of things" that I would like him to do is out of line? I feel like as the other half of my relationship, the father of my children, and a member of the house, he should be expected to help with cleaning or fights between the kids or making intimacy better for me (and therefore both of us)... is that what you're referring to? I am baffled that a couple of peas seem to be insinuating that I'm asking for too much. Take a breath. You gave a number of things that you wish he would do but doesn't. You said what you do in response to one example in the bedroom. I'd be surprised if you didn't respond similarly at other times since people tend to be more consistent with their spouses. That's not a judgement of you nor is it an attempt to belittle your concerns. Not trusting your husband and feeling like he is taking advantage of you are serious conerns in a marriage. |
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Post by Skypea on Jun 15, 2015 4:41:59 GMT
holler out to him - 'honey, get the kids please. I'm busy cooking dinner.'
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