UPDATE in OP. I'm ready to share: my child is transgender

UPDATE: I just want to say thank you for all of the kind words you have expressed in this thread. I have always felt like this community is like a second family to me. I wish I could hug each and every one of you. I have read every single response to Noah, and your words have made him feel validated and loved. Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart. You are truly an amazing group of people.

Many of you mentioned that I should share this story in a blog, and I actually started that process a few weeks ago. It's slow going, because I've never done anything like that before, but I wanted to share the link here and ask if you would mind sharing a comment on it. You could simply copy and paste what you've written here if that's easier. I'd absolutely LOVE to start it out flooded with messages/comments of support as I get ready to share this news to our friends and community. That's our next step, and as brave as I may seem here, I'm still a little nervous. I need to try to find out how to read the comments first before I let them be published for the public to see, because I want to keep it only positive. I know you all are busy, but if you wouldn't mind taking just a minute to comment, I would be forever grateful. Bonus: You'll get to see some pictures of my really cute new SON! wrongwayfeldman.wordpress.com/2015/07/17/9/

Bless you all!
Michele



OP: It is really important to me to be able to share the story that has been on my heart for the last several years. When this first began in our family, one of the first things I did was search the twopeas board for any posts that might help me cope and understand. I found some, but not nearly enough. That was a little over two years ago, and things have come a long way since then.  I'm sharing now for two reasons. My family is in a positive place and ready to move forward with this new normal, and I want to share our story so that I might be able to help someone else that might need help with what we've been facing.

This change in our family is something that we have prayed about, thought about, researched, consulted with professionals about, and in so many ways studied our whole hearts about. Through all of that, we feel confident that this is a transition that is the best and only one that is right for our family. I am not asking you to agree with our family, or to try to change our mind. I am asking for you to simply  honor and respect my kids by educating your own kids about families like ours.

Our second child, A, will turn 17 at the end of the summer.   A is a delightful, positive young person who sees the good in all people. “Full of joy” has always been the way I would describe this amazing, sweet girl. She has been our vegetarian since first grade, and began a vegan diet about a year ago. She cares about animals and has a true heart for people who struggle. A has always been an “old soul” and has nothing but kind things to say about anyone she meets. I always looked to A as an example of how to live my life. She always exuded such confidence in herself. Everyone around her would mention her quirky, personal style. She never wanted to be a follower. She was a quiet leader, and always looked out for the underdog. There wasn’t a hurtful bone in her body. She was empathetic and compassionate, positive and playful, creative and artistic. She truly loved life.


When A started middle school, all of that started to change. The qualities that made her stand out in a positive way as a young child were the same ones that made her “different” among students at the age when fitting in is so much more important. She started to feel ostracized; her style didn’t fit in, her hair was too quirky, she didn’t conform to any cliques, and making friends at a new school became increasingly hard. A began a decent into a deep depression. She changed from someone who exuded such true confidence about herself to someone who truly hated herself. She spent hours in her room alone, and shut everyone out. She felt unworthy and unlovable. We worried about her every day, and the tunnel was long and dark. Yet somehow, she pulled herself together each day to go to school, knowing she had no friends there to support or encourage her. You always hear about middle school being a rough time. Kids are mean, and many of them chose to say ugly, vile things to her during this difficult time. I honestly don’t know how she made it through the day. This struggle was hard for our whole family. How could someone so loving, who included everyone, who showed kindness and compassion for all people, be treated as though she wasn’t valuable? As parents, we tried to encourage her. K, our oldest daughter, was a huge support to A during this time. It helped her tremendously to have the support of a big sister that had been through similar struggles. We were proactive in helping her overcome these years, yet encouraged her to advocate for herself at the same time. I remember a specific late night of tears when K told her, “A, you’ve got to hang in there. You’ve always had this old soul, and lots of kids your age just haven’t caught up to you yet. They’ll get there, too, you’ll see.” A was so defeated, and she sunk into a depression that still gives me nightmares. She felt so alone, and there was nothing we could say that would pull her out. My heart was broken, and I didn’t know how to help my sweet, sweet child. There were many late nights where I held her in my arms, rocking her like a baby, while she cried out for help. I prayed night and day. Every sermon I heard at church, I tried to relate it to her struggle in order to find answers.


What we thought was going to be a stumbling block, something that we would get through in a few months if we just kept at it, turned out to be so much more. It wasn't too long into 8th grade that we found out A had been cutting herself. It had gone on for at least a year, and we had never known. This was something I knew absolutely nothing about. I was never less prepared for anything in my life. I couldn't imagine much worse than the feeling that your own sweet child was suicidal. She hated herself and her body more than she valued her own precious life. We still didn't understand why. We knew then that this was going to be a long road.  But there was more. 

It was during this time that A declared her gender dysphoria. A had struggled privately with these feelings for years, and had always been afraid to share it with us, but she knew the truth about herself, and she finally let us in. The body that A was born into did not match the gender in her brain. I will be perfectly honest: this hit me like a ton of bricks. I have never known anyone that is transgender. I didn’t know exactly what that meant. Today, in July of 2015, if you look up that word on the internet, you will find many positive messages, loads of information, and many sources of support. You will also find hatred, ugly and vile messages that have no place in my heart or head, and way too many people that do not support people in this situation. But there is still a very large part of our population that extends grace and love to people in this community. Back when I was first searching Google for information just two short years ago, there was relatively little compared to what you will find today. For every half dozen doctors I called, maybe one was familiar with it, and finding answers and information was so very difficult. That was just a couple years ago, and each day is changing for the better. Fortunately there have been many positive “trailblazers” that have made it a little bit easier for A to feel supported. Together, A and I attended two conferences led by two amazing individuals who happened to be transgender when we first started on this journey. Laverne Cox and Kye Allums both came to speak in our community on separate occasions, and we both learned so much from those experiences. I have recently met several other families in our community that have young children going through different stages of this same process. Support groups are few and far between, but fortunately A has become a part of a wonderful support group in our town.  After leaving her assigned High School halfway through freshman year due to harassment by other students, A finished out the year at a different school across town.  It was a very long year, full of emotions and hard work. There were so many obstacles to overcome, and we went through a very dark time in so many ways. I have never felt so alone as a Mom. My faith was tested like no other time in my life, and I have never been so afraid and so determined all at the same time. A was equally determined, and through hard work, our little family helped A to work through this journey. She decided to return to her home high school for sophomore year. She came back with a renewed sense of herself. She no longer had to carry that burden alone, and started to get her spirit back, knowing her family would be there for her no matter what. She focused on her school work and her grades turned back around. During that year, A not only helped establish a new club at her high school (GSA: Gay Straight Alliance), she was elected president. She became active in the Harry Potter club, became involved in art at school, and filled her schedule with honors and AP classes. She ended the year on the A honor roll.


Through ongoing counseling, A has learned how to manage her depression. She has not practiced self-harm for over a year. She no longer feels suicidal, and says that she has not felt worthless in almost a year. She takes medication for her anxiety and depression, and also to eliminate her periods. For the first time in a long time, A feels good about herself. I remember watching that YouTube campaign in recent years, reaching out to kids in the LGBTQ Youth community, "It gets better." It certainly CAN get better. We were determined to support our child through this transition, and I know the road is going to be hard, but it really has gotten so much better. She tells me regularly how grateful she is for her life today. I'm so proud of this kid.


A has her confidence back and is looking forward to making plans for college. A recently attended a leadership camp for eight days. That’s a pretty typical experience in the lives of many sixteen year old kids. In fact, by that age, many of my friends’ kids have been to more overnights than they can probably remember. But because of her lack of confidence, she has not been very active socially.   Two years ago at this time I was just trying to get through a day at a time, and now I’m packing sunscreen and art supplies, along with enough clothes to last for a week at a camp designed to celebrate and empower future youth leaders in the area of social justice. How ironic that these are the kind of peer leaders that could have been such a great source of support to A just two short years ago, and now she is becoming that very kind of leader.


It was hard to know two years ago that we would come out on the other side of this journey in a positive way. I won’t sugarcoat how hard this has been to navigate. DH and I were both raised in pretty conservative families. While I have always considered myself liberal in many of my personal views, this is still very new to me. DH has had a bit of a hard time understanding all the nuances to this new change, but he has made it perfectly clear that he accepts A, and wants to do whatever it takes for her to be happy. His love and acceptance has been a huge blessing to her. K has also been a great support to this change, and our two DS's are very accepting as well. It seems to be getting easier these last few months, but it wasn’t always that way. Each time I stepped out into the world; the grocery store, the mall, any community event, I would scan the crowds to find someone like her. A kid that looked like her, a family that looked like they had the same struggle we did. I needed to connect with someone that was going through what we were going through, but how do you just walk up to someone and say, “Hi, I’m Michele, and I have a kid who’s deeply depressed and doesn’t have anyone to identify with. Can you help me?” I would try to find support groups in town for Moms like me, families like ours, but there were none. I remember sitting at baseball games with bleachers full of other moms, thinking they must think I’m the most anti-social person on the planet, but they had no idea all the thoughts that were spinning around in my brain. I worried constantly that I was neglecting K, away at school, and not feeling like it was fair that she must have felt so helpless so far away, yet at the same time I wanted her college experience to be nothing but positive, so I didn’t always share with her the things that were going on here at home. I spent so much time on the phone looking for help. Each day I would spend every break at work on the phone, navigating the maze of doctors and counselors, searching for just one connection to help me. I have always been one to take it all on myself instead of asking others for help, so I put on a brave face each day, went to work, took care of my family, and moved forward. I was so protective of A’s privacy throughout this that I shared very little with very few people, and I feel like I neglected almost all of my friendships. I don’t want to make this struggle about me, but I need to be honest in how hard it really was. This was consuming me, and it shouldn’t have. I didn’t know that then, because I was trying so hard to “fix” everything. But it should never be this hard for a kid to just be who they are. I know that now, and I’m hoping everything we’ve learned can help someone else. We’ve discovered a wonderful team of advocates for our child, including the OB/GYN that delivered all four of our children. Our kids’ pediatrician has been an amazing source of support and information. We’ve also recently started with a new family practice physician that is part of a team of specialists at MU, leading the way in new research and support for transgender youth.


As a family, we support our child with our whole hearts. We’ve learned to much about the struggles that young people go through when they ask for help from their families, and we have been so disappointed to learn that not every child is supported in that way. The suicide rate for transgender kids is astronomical, and we were determined for that to not be the fate for our child. There is certainly more acceptance and information available today than just a short time ago, but we still have a long way to go. Even I had a long way to go to completely accept everything A was declaring about herself. It would take two years for DH and I to come to the conclusion that A knew in her own heart early on. It would take hours and hours of counseling visits, countless appointments with our pediatrician, family physicians, psychologists, and gender therapists for us to finally confirm what A already knew from the beginning of this process. But we got there, and now we do know, and we want to share our news with all of you.


Our little girl is transgender. A was born with a female body, yet she identifies as male. Her character is still the same. Her heart is still the same. She laughs at the same jokes and still doesn’t eat meat. She still loves cats and loves to draw and watches the same cool cartoons with her siblings. Yet A is not A anymore. From this point forward, A, with the support of our family, has chosen the name Noah. Female pronouns are no longer appropriate, and we will refer to Noah as he/his/him. Noah is talented and bright and loving and creative. Noah is the same amazing person we have always known, we just have to get used to a new name. It’ll be hard, I know, and I also know we’ll slip up now and then. But we understand, and so will Noah. We’ll all be getting used to this together, so please don’t hesitate to ask me questions. My real life friends may wonder how to interact with us in this new way, but I hope they will just treat us the same way they always did before.  It’s not a big, weird secret. It’s not something anyone should feel embarrassed about. We understand that it’s a little unusual. I get that. But I’d rather everyone be open and on the same page about this journey than avoid the subject altogether. Please respect Noah’s right to privacy, however, and don’t ask questions that are too personal. If you wouldn’t ask it about your coworker or your Pastor’s Grandma, then it’s probably not okay to ask it about Noah. Everyone deserves to be honored and respected, including those people in the transgender community. I’ll be sharing all the things we learn along this journey, like a load of new vocabulary words that we are still getting used to. It’s going to be a bit of a challenge, but I’m confident that I can do it. DH and I have put four incredibly kind and wonderful kids onto this earth so far, so I’m sure we got this. We are still a family of six, and we still have four amazing children: we now have one daughter, and three sons.   Thanks for your willingness to hear our story. We are lucky to have friends that we can count on for support. We are still so very blessed, and we hope you will join us on the next leg of this journey.