mimima
Drama Llama
Stay Gold, Ponyboy
Posts: 5,020
Jun 25, 2014 19:25:50 GMT
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Post by mimima on Nov 1, 2015 0:47:33 GMT
I'm so sorry. Mom hugs
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TankTop
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1,871
Posts: 4,779
Location: On the couch...
Jun 28, 2014 1:52:46 GMT
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Post by TankTop on Nov 1, 2015 0:50:18 GMT
I am so sorry. That must have been so hard. Hugs!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 20, 2024 15:08:24 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2015 1:21:48 GMT
First off I'm glad your ok...well ok enough. It sucks being a parent, but in the end you have to protect yourself. Breathe, take it day by day...but in the end make sure you are safe. Hugs....
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Post by Jennifer C on Nov 1, 2015 4:06:18 GMT
Hugs and prayers to you Elaine.
Jennifer
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Post by scrappinmom3 on Nov 1, 2015 4:25:45 GMT
I am so sorry. We had to call the police twice when our ds2 was 15 and 16. He was verbally abusive to me and destructive to our home. You positively did the right thing, especially since he was physical with you. Parenting sometimes sucks! Hang in there!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 20, 2024 15:08:24 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2015 4:27:56 GMT
Oh gosh, I'm so sorry. I know it isn't easy! I've done it a number of times when I was worried about my son's welfare, and the welfare of his sister (he was on drugs). He "hated" me for a while because I "ratted him out" but I knew it was the right thing to do. I was trying to save him and everyone around him. It's a very hard thing to do, but you have to protect him and protect yourselves. I hope that he could understand that, somehow. Prayers to you, him, your DH and family.
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Post by 950nancy on Nov 1, 2015 4:33:57 GMT
I remember dealing with my son at 18 and thinking how bad it was. No cops, but it left me feeling horrible. It does get better and you putting your foot down now will help the next time he gets out of line.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 20, 2024 15:08:24 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2015 8:07:03 GMT
I am so very sorry.
My oldest boy (16) is on the spectrum can have a bad tempter. I've never had to call the police on him before, but I fear that there will come a day when he and DH will roll across the floor fighting and I will have to make that call. Weeks go by where he's just lovely, and then he has periods where he tends to pick fights and find confrontations, especially with his dad.
I never thought that stuff like this would ever even cross my mind, when I held my babies. Parenting can be so tough.
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Post by elaine on Nov 1, 2015 13:54:50 GMT
I am so very sorry. My oldest boy (16) is on the spectrum can have a bad tempter. I've never had to call the police on him before, but I fear that there will come a day when he and DH will roll across the floor fighting and I will have to make that call. Weeks go by where he's just lovely, and then he has periods where he tends to pick fights and find confrontations, especially with his dad. I never thought that stuff like this would ever even cross my mind, when I held my babies. Parenting can be so tough. That is the same with ds1. The reason I was the target this time was because Dh was out of town all week on a business trip, and so I levied the punishment for lying about the homework and failing the class myself. It was when dh walked in from the airport and backed me up that he went ballistic. Yesterday was better - he was calm, a little frightened I think, and stayed in his room or the basement family room most of the day. This morning he is back to grumbling under his breath, which he does when trying to work things out, and just told me Friday night was my fault because I'm too lenient with him regarding homework. Oy! It is just an invitation to fight again, so I'm ignoring it.
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AmeliaBloomer
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,842
Location: USA
Jun 26, 2014 5:01:45 GMT
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Post by AmeliaBloomer on Nov 1, 2015 17:10:20 GMT
...and just told me Friday night was my fault because I'm too lenient with him regarding homework. Oy! Ah, that old trope. Amazing how many adolescent brains seem hardwired to blame parents (or teachers) for poor choices. Well, lots of adult brains rush to those kinds of judgements, too... By the way, I was supposed to put a load of laundry in, but read this thread, instead. I blame you... (Keep your chin up.)
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Post by 950nancy on Nov 1, 2015 19:45:46 GMT
I am so very sorry. My oldest boy (16) is on the spectrum can have a bad tempter. I've never had to call the police on him before, but I fear that there will come a day when he and DH will roll across the floor fighting and I will have to make that call. Weeks go by where he's just lovely, and then he has periods where he tends to pick fights and find confrontations, especially with his dad. I never thought that stuff like this would ever even cross my mind, when I held my babies. Parenting can be so tough. That is the same with ds1. The reason I was the target this time was because Dh was out of town all week on a business trip, and so I levied the punishment for lying about the homework and failing the class myself. It was when dh walked in from the airport and backed me up that he went ballistic. Yesterday was better - he was calm, a little frightened I think, and stayed in his room or the basement family room most of the day. This morning he is back to grumbling under his breath, which he does when trying to work things out, and just told me Friday night was my fault because I'm too lenient with him regarding homework. Oy! It is just an invitation to fight again, so I'm ignoring it. Classic child remark! Nope, not your fault. You could ask him later (weeks?) how you could help him with getting his homework done. While the remark sounds like an invitation to fight again and probably is, there could be a spark of truth in there and really does need/want your help.
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Post by elaine on Nov 1, 2015 22:09:05 GMT
That is the same with ds1. The reason I was the target this time was because Dh was out of town all week on a business trip, and so I levied the punishment for lying about the homework and failing the class myself. It was when dh walked in from the airport and backed me up that he went ballistic. Yesterday was better - he was calm, a little frightened I think, and stayed in his room or the basement family room most of the day. This morning he is back to grumbling under his breath, which he does when trying to work things out, and just told me Friday night was my fault because I'm too lenient with him regarding homework. Oy! It is just an invitation to fight again, so I'm ignoring it. Classic child remark! Nope, not your fault. You could ask him later (weeks?) how you could help him with getting his homework done. While the remark sounds like an invitation to fight again and probably is, there could be a spark of truth in there and really does need/want your help. I know that he does need my help. I offer at least 1-3 nights a week to help him with whatever he needs help with. In middle school we would work on Math together at the kitchen table several nights a week. Right now he is refusing any help. This is a child who is mainstreamed in all of his classes except for English (typical of boys with Autism) and has As and Bs in all his classes including Geometry and Chemistry. And the Bs are due to missing homework. i know that there are psychological issues with Drivers Ed, and I wouldn't punish him for failing, it is about lying about the homework.
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Post by ntsf on Nov 1, 2015 22:22:09 GMT
what if you had him change to grade on tests only? with extra points for homework...make it positive instead of punative..try for a month and see if he is getting the material..and the homework is meaningless to his learning?? what if projects were only done with school support staff..as he may really resent you as a parent trying to help him (the norm is not to have parents help).. would he be successful then? it could be the lying is defensive...he can't do it. he gets in a hole he doesn't know how to get out of , it spirals down and then he lies to protect current reality.
or the homework could be structured to work on 3 problems, not 20 or work on it for 20 minutes in your presence....find a way to make it easier for him..rather than a big barrier.
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Post by Dori~Mama~Bear on Nov 1, 2015 22:31:47 GMT
hugs
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Nov 1, 2015 22:41:41 GMT
What a tough situation. I'm sorry, Elaine.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,620
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Nov 1, 2015 22:44:57 GMT
I am so sorry. That really is heartbreaking.
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Post by elaine on Nov 1, 2015 22:45:18 GMT
what if you had him change to grade on tests only? with extra points for homework...make it positive instead of punative..try for a month and see if he is getting the material..and the homework is meaningless to his learning?? what if projects were only done with school support staff..as he may really resent you as a parent trying to help him (the norm is not to have parents help).. would he be successful then? it could be the lying is defensive...he can't do it. he gets in a hole he doesn't know how to get out of , it spirals down and then he lies to protect current reality. or the homework could be structured to work on 3 problems, not 20 or work on it for 20 minutes in your presence....find a way to make it easier for him..rather than a big barrier. I don't think I have the option of test-only grading, as he is in general ed classes, nor do I think I want that because he is going to go to college, and that won't be an option there. I have no problem asking for reduced homework, and all his teachers are fine with that. For math, it is generally all evens or all odds, for example. If there are assignments that require drawing, he is allowed to do them with clip art. He cannot write with a pencil - his fine motor skills are very poor - so all homework is done on the computer. His teachers are all on board with this and scan worksheets into .pdfs and send them to him and make them available on Blackboard for all students to download and use if they want to. Our school has been awesome! He can do it. He even did better on his 9th grade standardized end-of-year tests last year than many of my friend's neurotypical kids. He passed all of them (Algebra, Biology, and History) and passed advanced on History. Where we live, people are very competitive about college prep, etc, so the classes are rigorous and he does well. His teachers have offered to help him, he can stay late on Mondays to do that if he wants to, but so far he has only done it once this year. Everyone is committed to his success - he just needs to learn to choose homework over surfing the net for a reasonable amount of time - I will never be a parent who insists on more than 1-2 hours of homework in an evening. Self-advocacy is one of the goals on his IEP, and part of that is learning to ask for and accept help when he needs it. It is typical teenage stuff, I know, not just kids on the spectrum. I also think not going to a football game is a reasonable punishment.
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Post by ntsf on Nov 1, 2015 23:08:39 GMT
my child with autism can do any standardized test at a very high level...and took 10 yrs of prompting to be able to do homework on a timely basis. self advocacy took just as long. college has been a long slog.. many college classes have homework but don't care if you do it or not. they just go on tests or projects/papers. passing tests is a different set of skills than the executive functioning skills needed to do homework. just a few ideas from my experience.
best of luck and my sympathies...it can be hard. I thought my kid would be able to handle college. but it has turned out that if I am not around to do the executive functioning stuff. my child fails. and is unable to hold it together day to day. down to doing 1-3 classes at a time. college is brutal on students now.
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Post by elaine on Nov 1, 2015 23:37:41 GMT
my child with autism can do any standardized test at a very high level...and took 10 yrs of prompting to be able to do homework on a timely basis. self advocacy took just as long. college has been a long slog.. many college classes have homework but don't care if you do it or not. they just go on tests or projects/papers. passing tests is a different set of skills than the executive functioning skills needed to do homework. just a few ideas from my experience. best of luck and my sympathies...it can be hard. I thought my kid would be able to handle college. but it has turned out that if I am not around to do the executive functioning stuff. my child fails. and is unable to hold it together day to day. down to doing 1-3 classes at a time. college is brutal on students now. Our plan, if we are still living in Northern VA, is that he will go to George Mason for his first two years, at least, so there will be the option to live at home, or to come home regularly for assistance. We will also look at some of the colleges around the country that have newer programs geared at having kids with Autism succeed at college. He is interested in computer programming - surprise! - and has been taking yearlong programming classes in high school, both in 9th and 10th grade. I think it will be a good fit and there will be lots of quirky programming students in whichever school he goes to, so he won't stand out. We are fortunate that my husband's GI Bill will cover quite a bit of his college costs, so we are fine with however long it takes. My younger son will live with us, or a halfway house/assisted living, forever, so we know we will never be empty nesters.
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Post by leftturnonly on Nov 1, 2015 23:43:56 GMT
{{{Hugs}}} You were put in a terrible position and handled it well. I'm really glad that the police coming and talking to him were enough to settle him down. It's times like this I bet you really miss I-95. I just know she would have had some pearl of wisdom that would help. {{{{More hugs}}}
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Post by elaine on Nov 2, 2015 0:08:51 GMT
{{{Hugs}}} You were put in a terrible position and handled it well. I'm really glad that the police coming and talking to him were enough to settle him down. It's times like this I bet you really miss I-95. I just know she would have had some pearl of wisdom that would help. {{{{More hugs}}} Thanks! Yes, I do miss Leigh terribly. We would chat about this stuff via pm's and Facebook. What she was building in Florida would be perfect for my son.
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Post by mamastone on Nov 2, 2015 12:28:26 GMT
(((Hugs))) Nice work mama. It's such a huge job being a parent.
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,792
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Nov 2, 2015 14:33:08 GMT
So sorry you had/have to deal with this. Cyber Hugs.
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Post by kckckc on Nov 2, 2015 15:06:28 GMT
I am so sorry - what a difficult situation. Wishing the best for you and yours.
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Post by Kelpea on Nov 2, 2015 15:41:32 GMT
first of all, BTDT for a different reason. It's probably the most wrenching thing a parent has to do. Secondly, I live one county over from you. If you ever want to meet, PM me. Hugs to you.
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oh yvonne
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,003
Jun 26, 2014 0:45:23 GMT
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Post by oh yvonne on Nov 2, 2015 16:04:12 GMT
My love to you Elaine...I can still picture the boys, still little going to see Elmo. I'm so sorry my friend, and yes of course, you had no choice. Such a brave and tireless momma. You amaze me, Elaine. <hug>
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Post by jeremysgirl on Nov 2, 2015 16:27:43 GMT
What a horrible thing to have to deal with. I am so sorry you were faced with this situation. Hugs to you. YOu did the right thing. Hopefully, this will be a learning experience for him and one he never wants to repeat.
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Post by twinks on Nov 2, 2015 18:58:41 GMT
Oh Elaine I can't begin to imagine how devastated you are feeling. Hugs! You certainly did the right thing in the situation.
I know that you know all of this and are doing the very best you can with your DS. Oh how I know how easy it is to get caught up in their problems and follow them down the tunnel. It is very hard to remain objective, calm, and try to look at the big picture when it is so dark down the tunnel. Is it just the one class? Is it the driver's training class? What is the problem? Is there some mental block with it? I am sure I am asking all those questions that you are already asking yourself. It is so hard to help a budding adult when they really don't want it but so need it. It is hard to watch them fail or make mistakes, even when you know it is best for them. You want them to be independent and advocate for themselves. Sometimes, they take it too far and need to experience the consequences. It is so hard, heart-wrenching, rewarding, and joyful to be a parent. Talk about a roller-coaster ride.
Hugs to you and your family. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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Post by shevy on Nov 2, 2015 20:32:47 GMT
It's never easy, but sometimes necessary for everyone. Hugs.
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Post by ingrid6 on Nov 2, 2015 20:42:02 GMT
I'm sorry Elaine. Hugs to you
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