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Post by paperamy on Sept 5, 2017 14:45:45 GMT
I feel like a horrible wife and I don't know what to do about it.
I have zero sex drive. None. I do not want to have sex. I can't remember the last time we had sex. My husband has been hinting at it, and I've been avoiding the subject or telling him I'm tired (which is horrible of me but it is not a lie, just not the whole truth). Last night, we went to bed late (around 11:30 where we usually are in bed around 10-10:30.) I kept waking up from him tossing and turning. At one point, I got up to go to the bathroom and when I returned, he said "What's going on?" I replied "What do you mean?" He said "Why don't you ever want to have sex with me?"
I didn't know how to answer. I have always had a hard time vocalizing feelings, and I just said "I don't know." Which wasn't fair to him...but I didn't want to say the truth because once I said it, I couldn't take it back and I didn't want him to know. He said "Well, okay then" and got up for awhile. When he came back to bed, he said "I'm not trying to accuse you of anything, I just don't understand why every time I try to initiate anything, you laugh it off or change the subject or just ignore me."
I was devastated and by this point, I was crying. I took a deep breath and said "I don't know why, but I don't want to have sex." He replied "You don't want to have sex or you don't want to have sex with me?" I felt like I couldn't breathe but I replied "It's the same thing." He responded talking about how it's not the same thing and some people are asexual. For some reason, I immediately felt like he thought there something wrong with me, and by this point, I was a mess, so I got up to go blow my nose. When I got back in the bed, he said pet my head and kissed my forehead and said "It's okay. We don't have to have sex if you don't want to. I'll stop bugging you about it. If you roll over, I'll scratch your back." My heart crumbled with the disappointment in his voice.
I don't know what to do. He deserves a wife that wants to have lots and lots of sex. But I don't. I used to but I just don't anymore. I don't get aroused at all. When we kiss, it's nice, but it does nothing for me. When he touches me, it's nice but it does nothing for me. I don't even masturbate anymore and don't want to. I've gained about 40 pounds since we got married 8 years ago, and I don't know if that is contributing to this.
I know that I should just have sex with my husband, but that feels like it is a chore, and he doesn't deserve that either. I know we need to talk about this again tonight when we get home from work, but I don't know how. I know we've been needing to talk about this, and I've been a horrible wife for not talking with him sooner. I just thought it would get better. I've thought about initiating sex. I've taken a shower after work and put on cute underwear under my nightgown that night, but then when it came down to it, there was nothing I could do to force myself into it. And typing that out, I feel like shit. I feel guilty and selfish as hell. And I don't know what to do about it.
Edit for Update #1:
My husband in amazing. When I got home, we had errands to run and he wanted to take me out to eat. Before we left the house, he said "I'm sorry I made you upset." I told him "I want to talk later...not now, because we have things we need to do, but once we are home for the night, let's sit down and talk." We had a nice evening out, picked up a few groceries, and we both got preoccupied with things when we got home so we didn't talk until we went to bed.
We had an amazing talk. I told him that I was sorry. I should have answered him better, and he let me know that he knew that I can stumble my words and have problems expressing myself, and he wasn't worried about that. I made sure he knew that my lack of desire for sex was not him, it was me. He told me he wasn't trying to make this all about him and his needs, and he approached our discussion poorly. I told him it needed to happen. He made sure several times to let me know that he didn't think me not wanting to have sex had anything to do with him.
We talked until around 1am, laughing and seriously. I told him about my doctor appointment, and I'm going to try to figure things out. I told him it could be hormones, it could be mental, it could be anything. I brought up menopause...which he said he knows it happens but has no idea what is involved. So we talked about that for awhile. I didn't realize that I failed to mention in my original post that I'm 41...so it's a possibility. I've read up on perimenopause and I actually have more of the possible symptoms than just low sex drive. And when I made my appointment, I thought I was about 6 months overdue for my yearly wellness...I'm about a year and 6 months overdue. So, this appointment needed to happen anyway.
Anyway, we talked about a lot of things. It was good. Really good.
I'll post a further update after my doctor appointment Friday.
Update #2 : Post Doctor Appt.
Just left my doctor. I forgot how much I love her. She's convinced it is my thyroid, due to other symptoms as well. We are starting with that, so I'll know more once bloodwork is back. She said she didn't want to start looking elsewhere, like hormones, until she rules out my thyroid.
She's also scheduling me for a uterine ultrasound. I've been experiencing extremely heavy periods for the past year or so. My prior periods would be 5 days, with day 2 and 3 mediumish. Now, my period is 7 days exactly, with days 1-2 extremely heavy (sometimes bleeding through a tampon in an hour). These first two days absolutely exhaust me and if on a weekend, I sleep 18-20 hours a day. After the ultrasound, she wants to talk more about NovaSure (a endometrial procedure to thin the lining of the uterus). Since my husband and I are not interested in children, she says I'm a candidate for this procedure and thinks it will improve my life. She gave me a pamphlet and wants to discuss further after we figure other things out.
So progress...I'll continue to update this post as I learn more. Thanks for everyone's suggestions and support.
In other news, my husband is still completely and totally awesome about this. We've even talked about him taking pictures of me for when he masturbates, something he's never asked for before. He has repeatedly told me how much he loves me and he's okay with our "dry spell" as he says, while we figure things out.
As far as my weight and self consciousness about it, I've decided to get a bike. I loved riding my bike when I was little and in college, and I think this would be a great tool to use to assist me in getting to a place where I'm more comfortable with my body...which could help with sex as well.
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Post by Merge on Sept 5, 2017 14:51:31 GMT
See your doctor. It may be hormonal.
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Deleted
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May 2, 2024 17:20:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2017 14:54:54 GMT
You need a physical to rule anything health wise. Also, a psychological exam.
Until then, if you do still love him, tell him that. Tell him that you know you need to see a doctor and go from there. But do let him know it's really and truly not him. You just don't have any sexual feelings at all.
Are you under a lot of stress?
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Post by crazy4scraps on Sept 5, 2017 14:55:20 GMT
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.  You're obviously pretty distressed. If you were a friend and told me this in confidence, I would suggest first going to the doctor and getting a complete physical to rule out anything on that end that could be causing it, and beyond that possibly counseling for both of you to help you talk to each other openly. Problems (of all types) can only be dealt with when they're dragged out into the light of day. Good luck and I hope you're able to work it out. |
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AmandaA
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Post by AmandaA on Sept 5, 2017 14:55:26 GMT
I wish I had great words of wisdom for you. I would talk to your obgyn about it since it sounds like more than just a dry spell. Perhaps there is something hormonal going on with you or maybe it is a side effect of someone else (any medications by chance?). But I think the fact that you do feel bad about it and recognize that it is a problem for both of you proves that you aren't a horrible wife. I think being as honest as possible with him about your total lack of desire (and not just desire for him) is the best thing you can do right now.
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Post by Linda on Sept 5, 2017 15:02:43 GMT
(((((Hugs)))) I'm in a similar boat except my policy has always been to say yes when he initiates. But he wishes that I would initiate and be more enthusiastic and ....it's just not happening. It's not him, it's me but ... he takes it personally.
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smcast
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Post by smcast on Sept 5, 2017 15:05:52 GMT
Do you enjoy it once you get going? Are you just self conscious of your appearance? Do you like your husband? Are you attracted to him?
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Post by mikklynn on Sept 5, 2017 15:07:25 GMT
Are you by chance on a blood pressure medication like Lisinopril? That will kill your sex drive completely. I had to go off it.
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Nink
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Post by Nink on Sept 5, 2017 15:07:46 GMT
First of all, I think it's very important that you're honest with him about what's going on so he doesn't think it's him or worse yet, that you're having an affair. Also tell him you're not sure what's going on, but you plan to see a doctor or whatever the plan is so he knows you're aware of the problem and are actively seeking a solution. I'll be honest, I'm always a little perplexed why people are uncomfortable talking about sex with the person you're married to. That's the ONE person you should be comfortable with talking about it.
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GiantsFan
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Jun 27, 2014 14:44:56 GMT
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Post by GiantsFan on Sept 5, 2017 15:12:41 GMT
First of all, I think it's very important that you're honest with him about what's going on so he doesn't think it's him or worse yet, that you're having an affair. Also tell him you're not sure what's going on, but you plan to see a doctor or whatever the plan is so he knows you're aware of the problem and are actively seeking a solution. I'll be honest, I'm always a little perplexed why people are uncomfortable talking about sex with the person you're married to. That's the ONE person you should be comfortable with talking about it.  |
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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Sept 5, 2017 15:23:55 GMT
I can only tell you my point of view on this which is based on being in that same situation. My DH would hint around too, we'd have sex but it was never great (on my part) and it wasn't too often. I thought that it would be okay, that it wasn't that big of a deal. Well, I was way wrong. He broke down one day after years of this and said that he couldn't do it anymore, he ended up leaving me. That had *never* been a thought or an option in my mind. We have since gotten back together and are doing very well which would not be the case if I hadn't learned a lot.
Things that I've learned though all of this are many but one of the biggest is that when a wife doesn't have sex with a DH who wants it then she is rejecting HIM- all of him not just sex. It is deeply hurting when a wife doesn't want him and it is very damaging to him as a man. He wants and needs to be wanted by her.* Sex to me was always like dessert- good if I had it but not necessary. To him it IS the main meal, not something to live without for very long and he starves without it (I don't mean physically).
I looked at myself and realized that I hadn't known any of that and how deeply he had been hurt. I had been selfish.
I want him to feel loved and wanted by me and even though my desire is sometimes still not high at all I can think about him and how I love him and then I do desire him. It may not be a physical desire at first but once we get going then it quickly becomes one.
It's not an easy situation to be in and I'm only speaking of myself, my marriage and what I've learned for me/us. My main advice would be to know that he is possibly way more hurt and damaged by the lack of sex than he can express or you realize. I'd start there.
*ETA to add: I know that it can go both ways (if DH is rejecting wife) but MY experience and what I learned was about how it affects a man. I thankfully haven't been the regularly rejected spouse so I can't speak as much to that as to the one doing the rejecting.
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Post by leftturnonly on Sept 5, 2017 15:25:44 GMT
For some reason, I immediately felt like he thought there something wrong with me, and by this point, I was a mess... I'm saying this as gently as I can. I am not finding fault with you. Something is wrong on your end. You've gained a lot of weight in relatively few years, and now you have lost normal desire for your husband. Please, find someone to talk with who will listen to you. Tell them, for me, that you may find it difficult to talk to them because you don't know what is wrong. {{{gentle hugs}}} |
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used2scrap
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,034
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Post by used2scrap on Sept 5, 2017 15:25:51 GMT
To me since you said he "confronted" you vs "talked"/"brought up" etc kind of language it seems like there is a layer of defensiveness between you that can't be helping any underlying issues. I don't have any advice really, but I hope you two can find a time and place to talk things through.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Sept 5, 2017 15:28:10 GMT
I can relate. For me, there are a lot of factors at play (physical-for both of us, relational, psychological). Some of which have been exacerbated over years of having zero sex drive. I have talked to doctors about it with no suggestions. They just say that I am getting older, have four kids and work full-time and am therefore stressed and busy (which is true, but so are a lot of people). It's frustrating. We do have sex, although I would rather not.
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Post by bc2ca on Sept 5, 2017 15:35:34 GMT
I feel like a horrible wife and I don't know what to do about it. I have zero sex drive. None. I do not want to have sex. I can't remember the last time we had sex. My husband has been hinting at it, and I've been avoiding the subject or telling him I'm tired (which is horrible of me but it is not a lie, just not the whole truth). Last night, we went to bed late (around 11:30 where we usually are in bed around 10-10:30.) I kept waking up from him tossing and turning. At one point, I got up to go to the bathroom and when I returned, he said "What's going on?" I replied "What do you mean?" He said "Why don't you ever want to have sex with me?" I didn't know how to answer. I have always had a hard time vocalizing feelings, and I just said "I don't know." Which wasn't fair to him... but I didn't want to say the truth because once I said it, I couldn't take it back and I didn't want him to know. He said "Well, okay then" and got up for awhile. When he came back to bed, he said "I'm not trying to accuse you of anything, I just don't understand why every time I try to initiate anything, you laugh it off or change the subject or just ignore me." I was devastated and by this point, I was crying. I took a deep breath and said "I don't know why, but I don't want to have sex." He replied "You don't want to have sex or you don't want to have sex with me?" I felt like I couldn't breathe but I replied "It's the same thing." He responded talking about how it's not the same thing and some people are asexual. For some reason, I immediately felt like he thought there something wrong with me, and by this point, I was a mess, so I got up to go blow my nose. When I got back in the bed, he said pet my head and kissed my forehead and said "It's okay. We don't have to have sex if you don't want to. I'll stop bugging you about it. If you roll over, I'll scratch your back." My heart crumbled with the disappointment in his voice. I don't know what to do. He deserves a wife that wants to have lots and lots of sex. But I don't. I used to but I just don't anymore. I don't get aroused at all. When we kiss, it's nice, but it does nothing for me. When he touches me, it's nice but it does nothing for me. I don't even masturbate anymore and don't want to. I've gained about 40 pounds since we got married 8 years ago, and I don't know if that is contributing to this. I know that I should just have sex with my husband, but that feels like it is a chore, and he doesn't deserve that either. I know we need to talk about this again tonight when we get home from work, but I don't know how. I know we've been needing to talk about this, and I've been a horrible wife for not talking with him sooner. I just thought it would get better. I've thought about initiating sex. I've taken a shower after work and put on cute underwear under my nightgown that night, but then when it came down to it, there was nothing I could do to force myself into it. And typing that out, I feel like shit. I feel guilty and selfish as hell. And I don't know what to do about it. {{{hugs}}} The two things I bolded really stood out to me. 1. Your DH knows you and knows this isn't easy for you to talk about. He is frustrated and knows something is wrong, but you don't want to be honest with him. I'm saying this as gently as possible, but you can't put your head in the sand. The tension will only increase and it will destroy your relationship. 2. There is a huge difference between "you don't want to have sex" and "you don't want to have sex with me". They are not the same thing. See your doctor. SaveSave |
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Post by paperamy on Sept 5, 2017 15:41:01 GMT
I'm going to respond to some comments separately, but I just want to thank each of you. Your responses mean the world to me right now. I've been ugly crying at work off and on all morning, and you all are saying exactly what I need. Even if I don't respond to your response, I am really listening to everything everyone has said.
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blue tulip
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Post by blue tulip on Sept 5, 2017 15:43:57 GMT
you said: "Which wasn't fair to him...but I didn't want to say the truth because once I said it, I couldn't take it back and I didn't want him to know."
you sound like you know why, but you don't want to tell him. what is the "why"? if you really want us to help you, it would help if we knew what the problem really was. but if you don't want to disclose that here (which is totally your right, BTW!), take steps to deal with that.
checking your hormones, meds etc to try to find out if something is dampening it is only going to do so much, when it sounds like there is a real reason that you ARE aware of and are avoiding dealing with.
hugs..I've been in long phases of not wanting sex too for various reasons, and I hated the toll it took on my husband. it's a complex and difficult issue.
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Deleted
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May 2, 2024 17:20:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2017 15:45:12 GMT
How do you relate to your husband on other levels? Do you talk, do fun stuff together, go on dates? Are you affectionate with each other?
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Deleted
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May 2, 2024 17:20:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2017 15:51:44 GMT
Are you by chance on a blood pressure medication like Lisinopril? That will kill your sex drive completely. I had to go off it. exactly this. I am on this...I don't say no to hubby but I also don't initiate.... |
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Post by paperamy on Sept 5, 2017 15:54:06 GMT
You need a physical to rule anything health wise. Also, a psychological exam. Until then, if you do still love him, tell him that. Tell him that you know you need to see a doctor and go from there. But do let him know it's really and truly not him. You just don't have any sexual feelings at all. Are you under a lot of stress? I just got off the phone with my doctor's office. They had a cancellation this friday, so I now have an appointment. I'm going to talk to my husband and let him know, and try to explain what I'm feeling and how this isn't about him. Yes, I've been under a lot of stress. Our oldest dog, who was my dog before we got married, passed away in January after his body shut down after an emergency bladder stone surgery. He was 9 years old, and I'm still not completely over it. I was an emotional wreck for months, crying almost everyday, and I blamed myself. I still can't think about what he went through without crying. Work related, I've had a lot of management changes and the possibility of losing my job due to site closure (which was a possibility because to the poor performance at the site, due to bad management and terrible employees. I do 50% of the work on a 7 member team, and it can be overwhelming.) Hopefully, the newest management (he's starting today, actually) will make a lot of changes and the site has an extension, so closure isn't in the immediate future any longer. |
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Post by redshoes on Sept 5, 2017 16:02:20 GMT
You need to have a heart to heart with your husband, like asap. It's only fair and try to see things from his side. If the tables were turned, you would want SOMETHING more than "I don't know", right? I'm honestly not trying to guilt you more, but it's obvious he cares deeply for you because he is asking questions, trying to see what is wrong. Sex is really not just a physical act for a husband - it is a sign of love and respect, so I interpret the questions he's asking you as "do you love him?". Do you?
Let him read your OP, be vulnerable and very honest with him. Right now, you do have a problem and avoiding it will not get you anywhere but more guilt and heartache. Marriage is hard, no doubt.
ETA: I just read your last post and it sounds like you have had a very stressful recent years with the dog, work and weight gain. I hope the dr. visit helps a lot - but I'm sure you'll feel much better talking with your husband.
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Post by paperamy on Sept 5, 2017 16:02:54 GMT
Do you enjoy it once you get going? Are you just self conscious of your appearance? Do you like your husband? Are you attracted to him? I'm absolutely self conscious of my appearance, but no, I don't really enjoy it. I will do all the things that I know will make him come sooner, so that it doesn't last forever. If I don't rush him, I usually will orgasm (I never fake it), or at least come close to it...but it's hard to describe...even having the orgasm doesn't make it enjoyable. I love my husband more than I can ever explain. I think he's perfect in every way...and I'm absolutely attracted to him. |
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Deleted
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May 2, 2024 17:20:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2017 16:03:14 GMT
You need a physical to rule anything health wise. Also, a psychological exam. Until then, if you do still love him, tell him that. Tell him that you know you need to see a doctor and go from there. But do let him know it's really and truly not him. You just don't have any sexual feelings at all. Are you under a lot of stress? I just got off the phone with my doctor's office. They had a cancellation this friday, so I now have an appointment. I'm going to talk to my husband and let him know, and try to explain what I'm feeling and how this isn't about him. Yes, I've been under a lot of stress. Our oldest dog, who was my dog before we got married, passed away in January after his body shut down after an emergency bladder stone surgery. He was 9 years old, and I'm still not completely over it. I was an emotional wreck for months, crying almost everyday, and I blamed myself. I still can't think about what he went through without crying. Work related, I've had a lot of management changes and the possibility of losing my job due to site closure (which was a possibility because to the poor performance at the site, due to bad management and terrible employees. I do 50% of the work on a 7 member team, and it can be overwhelming.) Hopefully, the newest management (he's starting today, actually) will make a lot of changes and the site has an extension, so closure isn't in the immediate future any longer. That's great! It's a big step, and hopefully a start as to why you feel this way. I'm so sorry about your beloved pet. It is so hard when they pass away. As for work, I hope the new management can turn things around. But if they do close, try not to worry about it. You'll get unemployment and a little mini vacay which sounds like something you can use! Try to get a member of management to write you a letter of recommendation. Sounds like you are going over and above your job description and could be considered a very valuable employee. Good luck with everything! |
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Post by paperamy on Sept 5, 2017 16:04:16 GMT
Are you by chance on a blood pressure medication like Lisinopril? That will kill your sex drive completely. I had to go off it. No, I'm not on any medication. |
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scrappyesq
Pearl Clutcher
You have always been a part of the heist. You're only mad now because you don't like your cut.
Posts: 4,029
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Post by scrappyesq on Sept 5, 2017 16:08:36 GMT
I can only tell you my point of view on this which is based on being in that same situation. My DH would hint around too, we'd have sex but it was never great (on my part) and it wasn't too often. I thought that it would be okay, that it wasn't that big of a deal. Well, I was way wrong. He broke down one day after years of this and said that he couldn't do it anymore, he ended up leaving me. That had *never* been a thought or an option in my mind. We have since gotten back together and are doing very well which would not be the case if I hadn't learned a lot. Things that I've learned though all of this are many but one of the biggest is that when a wife doesn't have sex with a DH who wants it then she is rejecting HIM- all of him not just sex. It is deeply hurting when a wife doesn't want him and it is very damaging to him as a man. He wants and needs to be wanted by her. Sex to me was always like dessert- good if I had it but not necessary. To him it IS the main meal, not something to live without for very long and he starves without it (I don't mean physically). I looked at myself and realized that I hadn't known any of that and how deeply he had been hurt. I had been selfish. I want him to feel loved and wanted by me and even though my desire is sometimes still not high at all I can think about him and how I love him and then I do desire him. It may not be a physical desire at first but once we get going then it quickly becomes one. It's not an easy situation to be in and I'm only speaking of myself, my marriage and what I've learned for me/us. My main advice would be to know that he is possibly way more hurt and damaged by the lack of sex than he can express or you realize. I'd start there. This is also something I've been learning more and more about. I had no idea this affected men to this degree until DH and I started having issues. Men connect sex more to their manhood than woman do to their womanhood, if that makes sense. If you are still in love with him (and even if you're not) I would definitely go the doctor/ counseling route. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2017 16:08:40 GMT
I think he's perfect in every way...and I'm absolutely attracted to him. So how do you act on that attraction? How do you show him he's attractive to you? |
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Deleted
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May 2, 2024 17:20:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2017 16:11:30 GMT
Do you enjoy it once you get going? Are you just self conscious of your appearance? Do you like your husband? Are you attracted to him? I'm absolutely self conscious of my appearance, but no, I don't really enjoy it. I will do all the things that I know will make him come sooner, so that it doesn't last forever. If I don't rush him, I usually will orgasm (I never fake it), or at least come close to it...but it's hard to describe...even having the orgasm doesn't make it enjoyable. I love my husband more than I can ever explain. I think he's perfect in every way...and I'm absolutely attracted to him. Since you are able to orgasm, but don't even enjoy that, it sounds like it might be more psychological than physical. Have you always felt that way, or only since gaining weight? I have gained a lot of weight, and I think I know why. I also didn't enjoy sex most of the time, and felt like it was a chore. And I never had an orgasm with my ex. I did fake it though, just so he'd let himself go and it'd be over with finally. After being divorced for over 10 years and not really enjoying sex with anyone else, I know it's me. And it's psychological. Knowing that and doing something about it after all this time doesn't seem worth it to me. But for you, you are still in a loving relationship. It's definitely worth it to find out the reason and take steps to fixing it. Good luck! |
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Post by paperamy on Sept 5, 2017 16:20:11 GMT
you said: "Which wasn't fair to him...but I didn't want to say the truth because once I said it, I couldn't take it back and I didn't want him to know."
you sound like you know why, but you don't want to tell him. what is the "why"? if you really want us to help you, it would help if we knew what the problem really was. but if you don't want to disclose that here (which is totally your right, BTW!), take steps to deal with that. checking your hormones, meds etc to try to find out if something is dampening it is only going to do so much, when it sounds like there is a real reason that you ARE aware of and are avoiding dealing with. hugs..I've been in long phases of not wanting sex too for various reasons, and I hated the toll it took on my husband. it's a complex and difficult issue. I didn't want him to know that I didn't want to have sex. I knew he knew that I didn't...I didn't want to say the words to confirm it. I honestly don't know why I don't want to. I just don't. |
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Post by mikklynn on Sept 5, 2017 16:29:30 GMT
I applaud you for making a doctor appointment. I hope you can find your way to a healthy sex life.
Your DH sounds like a good guy - he's willing to discuss the situation with you, so that is great.
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luckyexwife
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by luckyexwife on Sept 5, 2017 16:30:04 GMT
I feel like a horrible wife and I don't know what to do about it. I have zero sex drive. None. I do not want to have sex. I can't remember the last time we had sex. My husband has been hinting at it, and I've been avoiding the subject or telling him I'm tired (which is horrible of me but it is not a lie, just not the whole truth). Last night, we went to bed late (around 11:30 where we usually are in bed around 10-10:30.) I kept waking up from him tossing and turning. At one point, I got up to go to the bathroom and when I returned, he said "What's going on?" I replied "What do you mean?" He said "Why don't you ever want to have sex with me?" I didn't know how to answer. I have always had a hard time vocalizing feelings, and I just said "I don't know." Which wasn't fair to him... but I didn't want to say the truth because once I said it, I couldn't take it back and I didn't want him to know. He said "Well, okay then" and got up for awhile. When he came back to bed, he said "I'm not trying to accuse you of anything, I just don't understand why every time I try to initiate anything, you laugh it off or change the subject or just ignore me." I was devastated and by this point, I was crying. I took a deep breath and said "I don't know why, but I don't want to have sex." He replied "You don't want to have sex or you don't want to have sex with me?" I felt like I couldn't breathe but I replied "It's the same thing." He responded talking about how it's not the same thing and some people are asexual. For some reason, I immediately felt like he thought there something wrong with me, and by this point, I was a mess, so I got up to go blow my nose. When I got back in the bed, he said pet my head and kissed my forehead and said "It's okay. We don't have to have sex if you don't want to. I'll stop bugging you about it. If you roll over, I'll scratch your back." My heart crumbled with the disappointment in his voice. I don't know what to do. He deserves a wife that wants to have lots and lots of sex. But I don't. I used to but I just don't anymore. I don't get aroused at all. When we kiss, it's nice, but it does nothing for me. When he touches me, it's nice but it does nothing for me. I don't even masturbate anymore and don't want to. I've gained about 40 pounds since we got married 8 years ago, and I don't know if that is contributing to this. I know that I should just have sex with my husband, but that feels like it is a chore, and he doesn't deserve that either. I know we need to talk about this again tonight when we get home from work, but I don't know how. I know we've been needing to talk about this, and I've been a horrible wife for not talking with him sooner. I just thought it would get better. I've thought about initiating sex. I've taken a shower after work and put on cute underwear under my nightgown that night, but then when it came down to it, there was nothing I could do to force myself into it. And typing that out, I feel like shit. I feel guilty and selfish as hell. And I don't know what to do about it. {{{hugs}}} The two things I bolded really stood out to me. 1. Your DH knows you and knows this isn't easy for you to talk about. He is frustrated and knows something is wrong, but you don't want to be honest with him. I'm saying this as gently as possible, but you can't put your head in the sand. The tension will only increase and it will destroy your relationship. 2. There is a huge difference between "you don't want to have sex" and "you don't want to have sex with me". They are not the same thing. See your doctor. SaveSaveI agree with both points, but especially number two. As other people have said, sex can be very important to some men, and he may be equating it with how much you love him, or his self-worth. There is a huge difference between not wanting to have sex at all, or just not wanting to have sex with him. |
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You're obviously pretty distressed. If you were a friend and told me this in confidence, I would suggest first going to the doctor and getting a complete physical to rule out anything on that end that could be causing it, and beyond that possibly counseling for both of you to help you talk to each other openly. Problems (of all types) can only be dealt with when they're dragged out into the light of day. Good luck and I hope you're able to work it out.
