Deleted
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Apr 26, 2024 16:37:11 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 9, 2014 23:00:54 GMT
While DH and I both have individual accounts as well as our joint accounts, I am not a fan of secret accounts. Unless there is a reason - abuse, planning for divorce, etc. - that one needs to hide money, I don't think hiding money is appropriate in a marriage. Like I said, we both have individual accounts as well, but they are not secret. The balances are tracked with our household finances.
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Post by anxiousmom on Oct 9, 2014 23:02:25 GMT
My grandmother told all of us girls that we should have a "slip" fund. Just in case you needed to "slip" away, "slip" in a purchase, etc. It was meant to be for peace of mind.
So yes. A little money put away is okay with me. But I am divorced, so take it with a grain of salt...
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Post by gar on Oct 9, 2014 23:04:23 GMT
An account, no. Ask me if I have a cash stash though......
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MorningPerson
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Jul 4, 2014 21:35:44 GMT
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Post by MorningPerson on Oct 9, 2014 23:04:50 GMT
I'm having trouble understanding what you're saying, but to answer your title question, no, I've never had a secret account or had any desire to have one.
My marriage isn't perfect for sure, but money isn't something we have an issue with. We trust each other with money -- DH is very generous and I'm probably more frugal than most. Makes a good combination.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Oct 9, 2014 23:07:30 GMT
I really think it's indicative of a deeper problem. You shouldn't feel like you need to hide $50 from your husband so you can buy a candle. You need to be in the same page on the big issues like how much is going into savings etc, but also how much is discretionary. Justifying every dollar you spend is a recipe for conflict.
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Deleted
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Apr 26, 2024 16:37:11 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 9, 2014 23:08:06 GMT
I think the more appropriate response is for you and your husband to TOGETHER set a reasonable budget. Not a budget that he controls and is apparently unrealistic enough that you feel compelled to hide money from him.
You are a team, including in finances. You should have equal control. Neither should be under the other's thumb, nor hiding financial information from each other.
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Deleted
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Apr 26, 2024 16:37:11 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 9, 2014 23:09:03 GMT
No secrets on my part. But we both get "fun money" each month to do whatever we want with -- no questions asked, but both of us have open access to know what's in those accounts. I do not think it is good to have an ongoing secret -- different if you are saving for a surprise for DH or something.
I am frugal...DH is not. He gets more "fun money" than I do....and mine usually stays in the main checking account. He has a separate account.
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akathy
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Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Oct 9, 2014 23:10:20 GMT
I had a savings account in my name only for those kind of things. My DH knew about it and in fact had money deposited into it directly out of his paycheck every payday. His name was no where on the account, he couldn't access it at all.
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Post by 950nancy on Oct 9, 2014 23:11:53 GMT
It sounds like you need more of your own cash to do as you want. A hubby running a tight ship may or may not have some slush money himself. I would discuss it with him and tell him it is what you want (or are going to do) depending on your situation. I think people need to have some cash of their own if money isn't tight. Life is too short to scrimp and save for rainy days if you already have the rainy days taken care of. When my hubby bought a big boat (just gas costs $300 a tank) I started spending more on myself. I also got a corgi!
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Post by Crazyhare on Oct 9, 2014 23:13:52 GMT
My mom does. She is happily married to her second husband. But her need to an account of her own comes from her divorce from my dad. She had little extra money during that time. So she feels better that she has money. Her husband knows she has an account, just not how much is in it. And he has money put back she doesn't know about either.
I personally don't follow my mom's lead. But DH and I do each have a little money we cn spend as we wish. He usually saves his put for larger purchases. I spend mine on smaller more frequent purchases.
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Post by GamGam on Oct 9, 2014 23:14:16 GMT
I understand your post to be seeking validation for having money you feel is yours---not ours. is that correct? If so, why does it need to be secret? Why not let you DH know about it? I see nothing wrong with you having a little stash, but I would not keep it hidden from my DH.
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Sarah*H
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Post by Sarah*H on Oct 9, 2014 23:17:22 GMT
No, I've never had to hide money from my spouse or justify/worry about/clear things like buying a candle or ordering dinner out. I went shopping and to lunch with a friend today and got no more than a "have fun buying pumpkin crap" from my husband. I don't automatically agree that feeling the need to hide money or creating a secret account indicates a deeper problem though; it might but then I wonder if the budget is unreasonably tight if it can't accommodate any frivolous spending and why you can't just talk to your husband about it if you want more fun money.
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Oct 9, 2014 23:17:30 GMT
Propriety of the secret account aside, if he's the one tracking the budget.... you don't think he's going to know (1) that you worked on a given day and (2) he hasn't seen that cash come in? Are you going to keep your consulting a secret, too?
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Post by scrapsotime on Oct 9, 2014 23:17:47 GMT
I have had businesses that I contracted with that paid through Paypal. It's not a secret from my husband, but he never knew how much was in that account unless I told him. He has a business account of his own and I don't know how much is in that unless he tells me.
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Sarah*H
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Post by Sarah*H on Oct 9, 2014 23:23:12 GMT
Well he may have a point, just going by things you posted on the old board. Maybe he's gone to the other extreme but if you've been overspending or living paycheck to paycheck for a long time, that kind of financial insecurity can cause people to react in weird ways when it's no longer the case. I still think you should talk to him, get a better sense of your complete financial situation and see if you can't get him to agree to upping the discretionary spending a little bit if it's feasible.
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Post by gmcwife1 on Oct 9, 2014 23:28:00 GMT
While DH and I both have individual accounts as well as our joint accounts, I am not a fan of secret accounts. Unless there is a reason - abuse, planning for divorce, etc. - that one needs to hide money, I don't think hiding money is appropriate in a marriage. Like I said, we both have individual accounts as well, but they are not secret. The balances are tracked with our household finances. Same here, we have a joint family account and I have a play account. This pays for my scrapbooking retreats, dog show expenses, eating out and buying dh gifts without him knowing
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Post by Darcy Collins on Oct 9, 2014 23:28:50 GMT
Money issues can really cause so much stress in marriages . It sounds like he's very focused on gaining control if your financial situation. I am only speculating, but that situation combined with a spouse hiding money sounds like a disaster.
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Post by Fidget on Oct 9, 2014 23:30:36 GMT
Not a "Secret" account, but I do have my own account. I opened when I was selling things on ebay, it was just easier than linking our joint checking/savings account to paypal. I also am the league secretary for a mens bowling league and I get a one time payment every spring for around 1,500.00 and I deposit that into my account. I use the money if the budget is tight and we want to go out for dinner or if I want to splurge on a facial. sometimes I use it for a hair appt or at the nail salon. The money usually lasts about a year. I like having an account that I can use and know I'm not messing with the "household" account. My DH does know about the account and does not have a problem with it.
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Deleted
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Apr 26, 2024 16:37:11 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 9, 2014 23:33:06 GMT
Well, with this additional information, I think you should seriously consider getting on board with the plan. He's not being punitive or ridiculous - he is trying to get his family out of a financial hole. I stand by what I said that you should be a financial team, but if you have debt, it sounds not inappropriate to funnel $700 to paying that doubt rather than buying candles, shoes and flowers. Why are you not willing to work with him to get the debt monkey off your back?
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eleezybeth
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Post by eleezybeth on Oct 9, 2014 23:36:56 GMT
While I know I should have a problem with it, I can't. If it works for you and gives you a peace of mind, then whatever. If he found out would he be livid, pea livid, betrayed or hurt? If yes, then maybe that isn't the best choice. If he knew and would shrug his shoulders so be it.
I grew up in a home with domestic violence. I have my own "slip money." It's not enough to sustain me for long but it is enough to get away if I need to. DH absolutely hates how I manage this money, but he understand this is just part of me. We've been together almost 20 years so it isn't really a secret. But it is money I have that is never ever considered in the budget. I keep it at a certain amount and if I need it I use it but the account gets repaid. So... I can't say one way or the other for you. But I understand. Some people are weird about money, sometimes you just can't talk about money, sometimes reality is reality.
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calgal08
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Post by calgal08 on Oct 9, 2014 23:41:45 GMT
We both have a monthly allowance. Personally I spend as little of it as I can, then I can have a mini splurge on a new outfit, etc.
A couple of years ago I opened a separate account and each month deposited $$ in it, but it wasn't a secret account, pretty sure I told dh about it, and that $$ was purely used for vacations/home improvements/etc.
For me, if you have a secret account but plan on using it as a surprise for the family that's one thing, but if you personally feel the need to have a secret account just for you, I agree with others, there's an underlying problem. I'm curious, how would you feel if you learned your dh had a secret account just for him?
From your additional information, it sounds like your dh is being responsible regarding the family finances. He's working hard to pay down your debt. Then again, may I like what he's doing because he sounds like me. I have a budget for everything.
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purplebee
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Jun 27, 2014 20:37:34 GMT
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Post by purplebee on Oct 9, 2014 23:53:18 GMT
I see nothing wrong with having a little "slush fund" of spare cash for the small personal "splurges" that your dh does not see as a "necesssity." Not a secret account, that is a bit too secretive, but if you are able to save a bit here and there for an occasional extra, there is nothing wrong with it. But only if it does not negatively impact your family budget, and if it comes out of earnings that you chose to make on you day off. Housewives used to scrimp on their grocery "allowance" (hey, maybe some still do) for little extras for themselves or their kids. I know that many men, my dh included, are not spenders, and view many of the things that women enjoy as frivolous and unnecessary. But a girl's gotta have a little discretionary funding for the occasional splurge. I get where you're coming from, just keep it small and don't let it get out of hand. A new fall candle, a name brand pair of jeans for a teen, yeah! A carribbean cruise/diamond studs for yourself? Nope......
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luvnlifelady
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Post by luvnlifelady on Oct 9, 2014 23:53:51 GMT
I've heard of some people that do cash over at the grocery store and pocket the extra.
OP-it does sound like you are on a different financial page than your DH. That can be dangerous.
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garcia5050
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Jun 25, 2014 23:22:29 GMT
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Post by garcia5050 on Oct 10, 2014 0:03:10 GMT
My DH and I have always kept separate accounts, and are on the same page financially, so no need for a secret account here. I know plenty of men and women who have secret accounts and it isn't a problem. One friend did a split direct deposit, and has allocated the funds in such a way that it appears she hasn't received a raise in over ten years.
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Post by Zee on Oct 10, 2014 0:07:29 GMT
Separate accounts, yes, but I've never needed a secret one. It sounds like you really need to sit down and talk and come to a compromise. Besides, if you plan to use it periodically for candles or pizza, isn't he going to wonder where that money came from, thus making it no longer a secret?
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GiantsFan
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Jun 27, 2014 14:44:56 GMT
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Post by GiantsFan on Oct 10, 2014 0:09:52 GMT
While I can appreciate you wanting to have your own spending money without having to explain, I don't think a secret account is the way to do it. Just tell him, "I make this extra money by working on my days off and it's for my discretionary spending. Whether it be vacation, dinner out, a candle, Jimmy Choo's or whatever. " DH and I have separate accounts, but no secret ones. It' all comes out at tax time when those pesky 1099-INT forms get sent.
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Post by bdawnb on Oct 10, 2014 0:15:52 GMT
I have an account that is mine in that it is the money I have to spend as I choose without feeling like I have to answer for. It isn't secret because it is linked to our other accounts and his name is second on it, but he never accesses it to withdrawal money. My husband is very, VERY careful with money and I love that about him. But he wants to buy everything on sale. I need money that I can buy a $10 candy bar if I want without having to explain to him why a $1 candy bar won't do. Or clothes that aren't on clearance. That really freaks him out. So it is just easier for us this way. It isn't that I don't like buying things on sale too, but once in awhile I really want something that isn't and this makes it easier for me.
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Post by chaosisapony on Oct 10, 2014 0:21:43 GMT
You are correct. And because dh is depriving himself... goes out for a beer once a month.. and that's it.. I feel guilty asking for $ for frivilous things... Wall Flowers, candles, shoes, etc. Every category has a budget. We've never, ever, in 25 years lived this way. He's obsessed with paying off debt and savings. Upped savings by 100% and paying double payments. So when flowers or candles or shoes appear in the house where does he think they came from? I have no problem with people having their own accounts, but the "secret" part would bother me.
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Post by miss_lizzie on Oct 10, 2014 0:27:51 GMT
I have what I call my secret stash of cash, but DH knows all about it. I don't know why, but I always feel better with some cash hidden away. I rarely use it; I just like having it. DH even knows where I keep it.
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PrettyInPeank
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Jun 25, 2014 21:31:58 GMT
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Oct 10, 2014 0:30:23 GMT
You are correct. And because dh is depriving himself... goes out for a beer once a month.. and that's it.. I feel guilty asking for $ for frivilous things... Wall Flowers, candles, shoes, etc. Every category has a budget. We've never, ever, in 25 years lived this way. He's obsessed with paying off debt and savings. Upped savings by 100% and paying double payments. Is he following Dave Ramsey? Even Dave advocates for a tiny bit of fun money, or you'll starve yourself until you binge.
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