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Post by getting started on Nov 28, 2021 13:41:49 GMT
Hugs. You can do this.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Nov 24, 2024 8:43:05 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2021 14:01:53 GMT
I missed this the other day. Nothing to add but more support. I will be sitting in your corner rooting for you for as long as it takes until you come through at peace and in strength. Hugs.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,940
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Nov 28, 2021 14:06:39 GMT
I'm sorry. Truly. But I promise you - you will end up in a better place than he will. He's living in a fantasy world that will crash around him - you are left to deal with the reality and you will survive and prevail. Be strong; be smart. Cream rises to the top.
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Post by peace on Nov 28, 2021 15:01:46 GMT
It sucks and I am sorry. BUT I do promise you that not-so-far-in-the-future you will look back and be thankful. You will rediscover who you are. You will be happy. You will have peace. Hugs
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Rhondito
Pearl Clutcher
MississipPea
Posts: 4,853 
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Post by Rhondito on Nov 28, 2021 15:02:59 GMT
You've gotten wonderful advice here, but I wanted to say I know it's hard right now and all you see is darkness, but in time you will be so much happier. You just have to work through this part to get to the light.
Michael Franti has a song with the lyrics "Life is amazing, then it sucks. And then it's amazing again." It's true!
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 28, 2021 15:41:58 GMT
Thank you all.
I've followed most of the advice other than a separate bank account. The temporary injuction should keep everything as is so both our checks will continue to go into the account and I will continue to pay our bills from it.
We have decided to cut spending and pay down both of our debts at equal amounts so that when the divorce is final our final debt to split is lower. I'm going to ask that we email each other our verbal agreements so that there is a record of it (I know it won't stand up in court, but it is the best I can do). I'm keeping every receipt to show where I'm spending the money and each time he buys a case of beer (damn near every other day), I pay down one of my credit cards the same amount.
I do need to finish Christmas shopping.
I'm hoping to talk to the lawyer on Monday to see how quickly he can be served. After that, things might change. Who knows.
As of right now. He comes home, we speak for a couple of minutes about nothing and then he goes to his basement bedroom to talk to her the rest of the night.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Nov 28, 2021 15:53:04 GMT
I would open a separate account like yesterday. still have your check go to that account to pay stuff, BUT start putting money away in that other account.
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Post by mom on Nov 28, 2021 15:55:21 GMT
Thank you all. I've followed most of the advice other than a separate bank account. The temporary injuction should keep everything as is so both our checks will continue to go into the account and I will continue to pay our bills from it. We have decided to cut spending and pay down both of our debts at equal amounts so that when the divorce is final our final debt to split is lower. I'm going to ask that we email each other our verbal agreements so that there is a record of it (I know it won't stand up in court, but it is the best I can do). I'm keeping every receipt to show where I'm spending the money and each time he buys a case of beer (damn near every other day), I pay down one of my credit cards the same amount. I do need to finish Christmas shopping. I'm hoping to talk to the lawyer on Monday to see how quickly he can be served. After that, things might change. Who knows. As of right now. He comes home, we speak for a couple of minutes about nothing and then he goes to his basement bedroom to talk to her the rest of the night. Does he know you are about to serve him? Will you be safe when he is served? I’m worried about you - especially if he is drinking a lot. |
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Post by elaine on Nov 28, 2021 15:56:21 GMT
Thank you all. I've followed most of the advice other than a separate bank account. The temporary injuction should keep everything as is so both our checks will continue to go into the account and I will continue to pay our bills from it. We have decided to cut spending and pay down both of our debts at equal amounts so that when the divorce is final our final debt to split is lower. I'm going to ask that we email each other our verbal agreements so that there is a record of it (I know it won't stand up in court, but it is the best I can do). I'm keeping every receipt to show where I'm spending the money and each time he buys a case of beer (damn near every other day), I pay down one of my credit cards the same amount. I do need to finish Christmas shopping. I'm hoping to talk to the lawyer on Monday to see how quickly he can be served. After that, things might change. Who knows. As of right now. He comes home, we speak for a couple of minutes about nothing and then he goes to his basement bedroom to talk to her the rest of the night. I’m so sorry. (((Hugs))) Your husband is a d*ck and I hope you get every penny you are worth. |
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Post by teach4u on Nov 28, 2021 15:57:33 GMT
Why doesn't he move in with her? Your kids must know by now if he's living in the basement.
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 28, 2021 16:39:45 GMT
Why doesn't he move in with her? Your kids must know by now if he's living in the basement. she's married in another state |
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 28, 2021 16:40:12 GMT
Thank you all. I've followed most of the advice other than a separate bank account. The temporary injuction should keep everything as is so both our checks will continue to go into the account and I will continue to pay our bills from it. We have decided to cut spending and pay down both of our debts at equal amounts so that when the divorce is final our final debt to split is lower. I'm going to ask that we email each other our verbal agreements so that there is a record of it (I know it won't stand up in court, but it is the best I can do). I'm keeping every receipt to show where I'm spending the money and each time he buys a case of beer (damn near every other day), I pay down one of my credit cards the same amount. I do need to finish Christmas shopping. I'm hoping to talk to the lawyer on Monday to see how quickly he can be served. After that, things might change. Who knows. As of right now. He comes home, we speak for a couple of minutes about nothing and then he goes to his basement bedroom to talk to her the rest of the night. Does he know you are about to serve him? Will you be safe when he is served? I’m worried about you - especially if he is drinking a lot. as far as I know he does not know. I am not sure if I am safe or not |
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janeliz
Drama Llama
I'm the Wiz and nobody beats me.
Posts: 5,645
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Post by janeliz on Nov 28, 2021 16:49:01 GMT
I can’t add to the great advice you’ve already received, but please know I’m thinking about you and I’m in your corner.
I’m worried that you feel uncertain about your safety. Please take care and keep us updated.
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Post by teach4u on Nov 28, 2021 16:50:44 GMT
I'm sorry I missed the part about her being married. My opinion may not be popular, but if she's willing to pursue a married man while married, her husband deserves to know. I don't know if I'd have the guts but I'd be damn tempted to let him know. What a crappy situation. I don't think your husband should have the comfort of living in your home after he dropped this on you. He should move out. If you don't know if you are safe, I'd get a restraining order. That's scary stuff.
Wanted to add, please be kind to yourself. I know you didn't choose this route, but at this point your husband seems like a complete douche.
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 28, 2021 17:03:39 GMT
If I open a new account, isn't that marital property as well? We'd just have to split it down the road
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Post by scrapmaven on Nov 28, 2021 17:06:50 GMT
That he is drinking heavily and you don't know if you're safe adds a new layer to your story. It makes me glad that you are being aggressive w/funds and a lawyer. It's a good sign that you're moving fwd w/the legal stuff. You are ready to take this on and you can do this. In one year you'll come back to us and you'll be posting encouragement to another pea who is sadly, starting this process.
Interesting that peas argue and disagree, but whoa betide anyone who hurts a pea! We're a big, gnarly group when we have someone's back!
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luckyjune
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,687
Location: In the rainy, rainy WA
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Post by luckyjune on Nov 28, 2021 17:08:58 GMT
A dear friend was in a situation very similar to yours (her kids were adults and on their own). She told me that while she felt heartbroken throughout the process of divorce, once everything was official, she felt free. She didn't realize how much stress and unhappiness she was carrying with her. She'd just become so used to existing that when those burdens left, she felt like a new woman.
Here is to YOU, finding your freedom and your bliss! ((hug))
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luckyjune
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,687
Location: In the rainy, rainy WA
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Post by luckyjune on Nov 28, 2021 17:10:19 GMT
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. It could happen to any of us. It sounds like Option A is no longer available. Go easy on yourself and give yourself some time as you regain your footing. And then take a deep breath and kick the shit out of Option B. I think this is a fantastic idea! |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Nov 28, 2021 17:16:23 GMT
If I open a new account, isn't that marital property as well? We'd just have to split it down the road Maybe so, but at least it would provide a level of security that you have a cushion should you need it. My friend tried to take the high road and didn’t open a separate account when she was getting divorced only to discover that her not so DH emptied out the joint bank account and all the auto pays that were set to come out of the old account started bouncing all over town. |
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Post by mom on Nov 28, 2021 17:18:47 GMT
If I open a new account, isn't that marital property as well? We'd just have to split it down the road I don't know, honestly. The day I filed for divorce, I opened a new account in my name only and xDH had no claim to anything in it. I don't know how Colorado works though. |
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Jili
Pearl Clutcher
SLPea
Posts: 4,366
Jun 26, 2014 1:26:48 GMT
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Post by Jili on Nov 28, 2021 18:45:15 GMT
I am not knowledgeable about this, but I still think you should open up a separate account and have your paycheck deposited into it. What’s to stop him from moving your joint money into his own separate account? You can still pay bills this way. You have to protect yourself.
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 28, 2021 19:09:34 GMT
I am not knowledgeable about this, but I still think you should open up a separate account and have your paycheck deposited into it. What’s to stop him from moving your joint money into his own separate account? You can still pay bills this way. You have to protect yourself. in Colorado, an injunction goes into place once the paperwork is filed. I'll know Friday if he's changed anything. |
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Post by Laurie on Nov 28, 2021 19:32:55 GMT
Yesterday my sister was telling me about their good friends going through a divorce because the wife was in Colorado for work and hooked up with a bf from hs. She is also in the medical field so was thinking wouldn’t that be a small world. However, I realized I don’t think the ages match up because my sister is mid 30s. Anyway I know that you are going to come out better in the end. In this case the wife had no real intentions of leaving her dh so it is quite possible your dh is giving up everything good in his life for someone who may have no real intention of leaving her dh.
I think about you often and am waiting for the day I see your post about how much better your life is now that you can see that he was holding you back all these years. Holding you back because you have spent your entire marriage doing what was best for him and your marriage when he wasn’t giving you the same respect. Now you get to put YOU first and you are going to flourish. It is time for your life glow up. Go get it and don’t look back for one second.
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 28, 2021 19:46:27 GMT
My husband sounds like a huge step up for her. She is not a huge step up for my husband.
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Post by scrapmaven on Nov 28, 2021 19:53:06 GMT
Honestly, freecharlie I think your husband is currently a huge step down. You deserve so much better than what you have! |
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Post by Laurie on Nov 28, 2021 19:58:18 GMT
My husband sounds like a huge step up for her. She is not a huge step up for my husband. Nah, he walked away from a beautiful, loving family that would have done anything for him for a shot at the past. He is dishonorable among many other things. A man like that is not a step up for anyone. |
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Post by elaine on Nov 28, 2021 20:01:13 GMT
If I open a new account, isn't that marital property as well? We'd just have to split it down the road Maybe so, but at least it would provide a level of security that you have a cushion should you need it. My friend tried to take the high road and didn’t open a separate account when she was getting divorced only to discover that her not so DH emptied out the joint bank account and all the auto pays that were set to come out of the old account started bouncing all over town. This. Just because there is an injunction, probably won’t stop him from emptying the account once he is served. How would the bank know and prevent him from withdrawing it? He might be expected to pay it back once things go through the courts, but that might take a long time and if it is spent, it will be harder to recoup. You may eventually, but it won’t be immediately and you may need that money in the meantime. Please open a separate account and put some of the shared assets - or at least YOUR paycheck - in it. You need the security. I am also very concerned now that you can’t say with certainty that you will be safe at home once he finds out you filed. Please have an emergency escape plan in place. It is another reason that you need a separate bank account, in case you need to escape the house for your safety. |
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Post by flanz on Nov 28, 2021 20:40:34 GMT
If I open a new account, isn't that marital property as well? We'd just have to split it down the road Maybe so, but at least it would provide a level of security that you have a cushion should you need it. My friend tried to take the high road and didn’t open a separate account when she was getting divorced only to discover that her not so DH emptied out the joint bank account and all the auto pays that were set to come out of the old account started bouncing all over town. I've heard this scenario anecdotally so very many times! PLEASE open your own account and transfer $$$ into it now. |
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 28, 2021 20:46:43 GMT
Alright, what bank?
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 28, 2021 20:47:17 GMT
Also, we don't have much in the bank. I've used most of it to pay bills.
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