The end "might" be in sight! SMALL UPDATE 9/24

It was all my father’s idea.  He had loved my ex and treated him like a son.  Then my ex stabbed him in the back.  His treatment of my dad hurt me so much more than his cheating on me and everything that he did to me during the divorce.  So Dad’s idea of how to stop him from getting a key to my house was brilliant!  I was fully prepared to just sell the house rather than give him a key, but the opportunity for Dad to get a bit of payback was delightful.  It took me years and years to pay my parents back, but I never regretted doing what we did for a single second.  And I lived in that house for 44 years!  Thanks to California crazy prices, I was able to pay off everything I owed and to buy the house here in Oregon outright.  My ex would have loved to get half of that equity!

Well said! 

This is the only way I would agree to mediation or a payment plan. He has drug this shit out, for years. He has paraded around with a mistress, spending money like no tomorrow. Fuck him. He takes the agreement now or we call his mistress. 

I would not go to mediation. His plan of not wanting the GF involved should no longer work. I would want her to know that he has been playing her as well. He is a class A jerk. Look at it as you giving him some of the same grief he is giving you. Besides, didn’t the court order for the GF to be subpoenaed? If so, courts don’t look favorable on not doing so as it will appear that you are wasting their time.

I would want a life insurance policy on him if payments are involved. I am also iffy on you getting the house. Make him buy you out. Fresh start for you without any hassle of selling it or buying him out. If you have to buy him out, that could/would reduce the settlement monies.

Lexica, Wow, what a guy your dad was. Dh will love the additional details, particularly your dad calling the guy your ex stole from. 😁

I love that your son went into a field that is something he shared with your dad.

My son is lucky to have had amazing relationships with both of his grandfathers.

I agree that bringing her in could cause more problems for you. BUT him thinking that your attorney would do it if necessary is tremendous leverage for you.

I recall you telling us that you had found his plan to update/remodel the house. If you decide to accept his payment plan I think you should include a stipulation that he cannot put any $$ into the house until you are paid in full. The whole idea of him paying you in installments makes me nervous - why can't he get a loan against the value of the house and buy you out? All cash - done and done for both of you.

Your safety comes first. If you can do mediation and make sure it’s fair etc, then that’s what you do. I think we are all just pissed off for you knowing everything that you’ve been through, however, we do not walk in your shoes. If you can walk away with what you need to survive financially and be safe then that’s the most important part. He’ll get his eventually.  

In all the back and forth of everyone's advice I think we all forgot something. You need to be at peace. You need to be able to move forward with the rest of your life. You need to be able to enjoy that grand-baby that is on the way. And most of all you need to be SAFE!! I don't know when I have been so invested in someone's well being that was not a family member, but here I am. So if there are some bitter pills to swallow, maybe a little less cash whatever is takes to make him gone - all at once. No lingering over payments - no worry if he will make the payments - no worry if he will file bankruptcy or some other monkey motion. I hope you can just get done and done!!

What is your attorney recommending? I think we all can see that he is hoping to talk you into a deal that he prefers and that favors him. Especially since it sounds like he is quite used to running the show and having you quietly going along with everything he says. While my initial thoughts were that I personally would not agree to mediation, given your fear of him, maybe give it a try, but only if you can switch back to using your attorney.

I absolutely understand having a fear of your husband. Mine terrified me throughout the divorce process. He did not want the divorce and did everything he could think of to stall things. Everything other than treat me well that is. He was used to me quietly going along also and he thought he could have a temporary vacation from our marriage and then dump his girlfriend and return to me.

I also have a lot of experience with a manipulating man. But as long as you do not have to sign anything stating you agree to remain in mediation to end the marriage, I guess it is ok to see what his suggestions are. If by entering mediation you lose the ability to have the courts take over, I would absolutely refuse. What your attorney offered was a fair settlement, right? And you would already be doing him a favor by taking payments and not forcing the sale of the house to split the proceeds. The court could require the sale of the house. And your DH could absolutely give you a counter offer right now, through his attorney, and you would have your attorney to advise you. I am afraid that he is trying to get you away from your attorney and plans to either trick you or bully you or something into a settlement that he wants. I also suspect he was not happy that you used a forensic accountant.

There is absolutely no benefit to using a mediator at this stage. People that choose to use mediators do so either because they don’t have much to split up, they are not contentious and are going to be fair in splitting assets, and they want something cheaper than what a divorce with two attorneys will cost them. I have never heard of anyone starting out with an attorney and then use a mediator. What is the point of that?

You have already spent money retaining an attorney. You know your split will be contentious. You also suspect he will not be fair in giving you all you deserve. He has shown that he is very comfortable with lies and secrets. What possible legitimate reason would there be to switch to mediation now? When I went through my divorce, my attorney and I sat at one table in the courthouse cafeteria and my ex and his attorney sat at another table. My attorney came up with a suggested settlement because I am the one that filed for the divorce. He met ex’s attorney at a third table and presented the settlement offer. (This is where you are right now in the process)

His attorney returned to ex’s table and they talked. Then the two attorneys met at that third table again and my attorney was given ex’s requests. My attorney returned to advise me. It went back and forth like that until we came up with a settlement and visitation that we both could live with. We each signed and the two attorneys took it to the judge who signed the final document. That is how most divorces are handled. And you are at the stage where all the work has been done and you are at the final bartering stage. This is the most important stage to have an attorney’s advice! I repeat, your DH should have sent his idea of a settlement to your attorney. The only time a judge does more than sign off on what the couple have agreed to is when they cannot agree. Then the judge makes that final choice for you. I think that rarely happens though. Most attorneys will advise their client to come to an agreement together.

You are the only one that can make this decision. But please, don’t fall into a trap at this stage. Yes your mental and physical well being matters. But I am extremely uncomfortable with your DH not giving you a return settlement offer through his attorney. This does not automatically go to a judge if he doesn’t like your first offer. He needs to tell you what he doesn’t like and give you an alternative. And back and forth until you both agree. I really want to know why he wants you to give up legal representation now. Please consider asking your attorney to contact his attorney to get his rebuttal offer. His girlfriend doesn’t need to get involved unless the two of you cannot agree. That is the safest thing for you and does not put you in any danger because you are just asking to find out what he wants to be different from your settlement offer.