drowning
New Member
Posts: 8
Mar 14, 2015 16:34:21 GMT
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Post by drowning on Mar 14, 2015 19:44:28 GMT
Thank you everyone for your support. Some people have raised points that I will try to answer. I'm too distracted to use multiquote, so apologies if I miss stuff.
I think my daughter's counsellor hasn't reported this because she is 20, and although she is a vulnerable adult, she has not legally been declared so. My son's therapist has to look at it from the point of view of protecting him as he is not yet an adult. Now, this is just what I'm surmising, I don't know this for sure.
My daughter did not claim that my brother raped her, but did say he touched her and made her touch him inappropriately. She was definitely raped - anally - by a stranger, four weeks after leaving hospital when she was 16. There was physical evidence that this happened. My daughter is gay, so she would not have said this to cover up a liaison with a man, for example.
And although my first instinct is that my daughter is telling the truth, I do need to talk to her dad. DD's counsellor has said that he will deny it, and claim that DD is a fantasist and mentally ill. This amount of abuse could obviously make anyone mentally ill. As far as physical proof is concerned, then yes, my husband does occasionally drink too much. He has for many years. It's not constant, I wouldn't call him an alcoholic at all, but sometimes he has too much. And sometimes I have woken up during the night to find he was not in bed. I always assumed he was at the bathroom, or couldn't sleep and had gone to watch TV or go online. I never got up to check. He always falls asleep before me, and is usually up before me too.
I just find it so hard to believe. DH was so distraught when he found out about my brother abusing DD. I just don't think he is that good an actor. He had an affair once and I found out almost immediately, because he couldn't hide what he was up to. But then I can't think why my daughter would lie. She said she didn't want anything to change, she just wanted the abuse to stop. Why would she make up such an awful thing? Why would she believe it if it weren't true? And if it isn't true, then why does she still have somatic illnesses?
I go round and round in circles, not knowing what to think, or what to do. There is more than a passing chance that my husband might try to take his own life here, whether or not he has raped her. He has suffered from depression for many years (it's the family curse).The police have told me that my daughter could make a statement at any time; there is no time limit on it. So I don't want them involved until they absolutely have to be. Does that make sense?
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Post by Sassy Sabrina SWZ on Mar 14, 2015 19:50:42 GMT
I couldn't even begin to give you advice, but I want to tell you that my heart hurts for you and your children. What an awful situation to be in! Wishing you strength and courage!
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Post by tinydogmafia on Mar 14, 2015 19:57:43 GMT
It does partially make sense to me. May I gently ask why you have not spoken to him immediately about this? From my point of view, he needs to know either way. The police are already involved. CPS will be involved too because I am sure your son's therapist must have alerted them along with the police. I don't see how delaying this conversation is beneficial to any of you. He either did it and needs to be dealt with, or he didn't and you have a different and just as serious problem to deal with, with your daughter. The ramifications from this, if not true, can potentially ruin your husband's life. I am in NO WAY defending him. None of us know what has happened here. But as your husband, he needs to know what's going on. You tell us he's a bad liar, and unfortunately has a history of being deceitful with an affair. It's in your best interest to figure it out ASAP.
I think you mentioned he was out of town? Is there a way to get to him or reach him? Can you leave your kids to go and talk with him? I can't imagine you will have any sort of peace or calm until you look him in the eye and hear what he has to say one way or the other.
I am terribly sorry for you are going through. Terribly. My thoughts are with you.
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Post by littlefish on Mar 14, 2015 20:00:46 GMT
Praying for wisdom for you on the next steps, and for your DD and DS. I am so sorry this is happening to you.
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uksue
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,531
Location: London
Jun 25, 2014 22:33:20 GMT
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Post by uksue on Mar 14, 2015 20:02:16 GMT
I am so sorry. I know you will get sine very wise words of advice here. Take each day at a time, don't waste your energy blaming yourself or considering your husbands feelings, just do what you have to do every day.
Also try to find someone or something that will give you regular solace. I will pray for you and your children . May the good Lord fill you with his comfort and help you to be strong and resourceful as you navigate this tough terrain .
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,891
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Mar 14, 2015 20:04:54 GMT
Alarm bells here. How would the counsellor know how your husband will respond? That seems like a very strange thing to say.
It just doesn't sit right with me and, being a psychologist, I'm loathe to criticize another mental health professional, but that's a very strange thing to say.
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drowning
New Member
Posts: 8
Mar 14, 2015 16:34:21 GMT
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Post by drowning on Mar 14, 2015 20:16:25 GMT
It does partially make sense to me. May I gently ask why you have not spoken to him immediately about this? From my point of view, he needs to know either way. The police are already involved. CPS will be involved too because I am sure your son's therapist must have alerted them along with the police. I don't see how delaying this conversation is beneficial to any of you. He either did it and needs to be dealt with, or he didn't and you have a different and just as serious problem to deal with, with your daughter. The ramifications from this, if not true, can potentially ruin your husband's life. I am in NO WAY defending him. None of us know what has happened here. But as your husband, he needs to know what's going on. You tell us he's a bad liar, and unfortunately has a history of being deceitful with an affair. It's in your best interest to figure it out ASAP. I think you mentioned he was out of town? Is there a way to get to him or reach him? Can you leave your kids to go and talk with him? I can't imagine you will have any sort of peace or calm until you look him in the eye and hear what he has to say one way or the other.I am terribly sorry for you are going through. Terribly. My thoughts are with you. The words in bold above are exactly why I haven't spoken to him yet. He moved with his job last October, and it's a 7-8 hour drive away. He only comes home once a month. I need to do this face to face, there is no way I can do it over the phone. I couldn't go this weekend for a couple of reasons. My son's girlfriend is here for the weekend. It's her first visit (she lives about 4 hours away) and she was already on her way when I found out. I didn't want to leave them alone. Also, I'm not in a position to drive that far because of joint problems. I can get a steroid injection on Mon/Tues which should enable me to drive. And my husband is working in London from tomorrow evening, so he won't be back at his flat until next Friday. I do just want to jump in the car right now, but I wouldn't get 100 miles before my body would give up on me.
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drowning
New Member
Posts: 8
Mar 14, 2015 16:34:21 GMT
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Post by drowning on Mar 14, 2015 20:19:01 GMT
Alarm bells here. How would the counsellor know how your husband will respond? That seems like a very strange thing to say. It just doesn't sit right with me and, being a psychologist, I'm loathe to criticize another mental health professional, but that's a very strange thing to say. She works for a charity that deals only with victims of sexual abuse. She has worked there for a long time and has a lot of experience. I would imagine she said this because she knows that this is often how abusers react; trying to discredit their victim.
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AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,969
Jan 4, 2015 1:47:52 GMT
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Post by AnotherPea on Mar 14, 2015 20:26:02 GMT
Of course many sexual abusers will deny the accusations. So would innocent men.
It really sounds like, from your posts, that she is trying to fill your head with ideas.
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Mar 14, 2015 20:27:40 GMT
I am drowning here. If it weren't for the fact my kids need me now more than ever, I would check out right now. The thought of having to empty and sell my house, support my kids through this, is overwhelming. I cannot work because of health issues, and I have no family whatsoever. I have two good friends, but they're both very busy people and I know they can't always be there for me. You don't have to do any of those things today. Call your friends. And do not check out. Ever.
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Post by leannec on Mar 14, 2015 20:29:45 GMT
What I can say to you is don't blame yourself ...
My father sexually abused me for many years and my mum never knew ... I have never blamed her ...
Take care of your dd and take care of yourself!!!
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joelise
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,649
Jul 1, 2014 6:33:14 GMT
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Post by joelise on Mar 14, 2015 20:38:40 GMT
I have no helpful advice but want to let you know that I'm thinking of you and my heart goes out to you.
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Post by Jennifer C on Mar 14, 2015 20:48:57 GMT
My heart is sad for you and your family. I have no advice but I do want to let you know that I will be praying for you.
Jennifer
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jayfab
Drama Llama
procastinating
Posts: 5,591
Jun 26, 2014 21:55:15 GMT
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Post by jayfab on Mar 14, 2015 21:03:40 GMT
Goodness, I am so sorry for what you and your children are going thru. My heart goes out to you.
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Post by hollymolly on Mar 14, 2015 21:11:30 GMT
One day at a time, and one decision at a time. Don't look too far into the future, especially this soon. There are way too many unknowns just now. Prioritize talking to your husband, even if it means going to London instead of waiting until he is back from there.
Prayers for all of you.
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Post by birukitty on Mar 14, 2015 21:48:36 GMT
I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through. My heart hurts for you and I want to give you a great big hug! Just know I am wishing you strength, courage, good health and everything else you might need as you face this horrible crisis. Please know we are always here for you.
Debbie in MD.
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Post by txdancermom on Mar 14, 2015 21:52:30 GMT
I am sorry for all you are having to deal with. Prayers for you and your children, and I hope that you will reach out to a counselor for yourself.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 5:24:13 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 14, 2015 22:08:49 GMT
I just can't even imagine. I don't know exactly which pea you are, though I know you are familiar. Please know you have a friend if you're in Phoenix and could use an extra. I'm sure other peas from other states would echo the same sentiment.
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Post by Dixie Lou on Mar 14, 2015 22:29:15 GMT
Prayers for peace and clarity of mind for this very tragic and confusing issue!
Hugs!
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Post by crazy4scraps on Mar 14, 2015 22:52:00 GMT
I can't even imagine the hurt and betrayal you are feeling right now, and your kids as well. I have no advice at all, but please know that your family will be in my thoughts and prayers as you and your kids work to navigate through all of this.
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Rainbow
Pearl Clutcher
Where salt is in the air and sand is at my feet...
Posts: 4,103
Jun 26, 2014 5:57:41 GMT
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Post by Rainbow on Mar 14, 2015 23:00:26 GMT
I'm sorry to hear that. I have no advice, just wish you peace.
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Olan
Pearl Clutcher
Enter your message here...
Posts: 4,050
Jul 13, 2014 21:23:27 GMT
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Post by Olan on Mar 14, 2015 23:08:52 GMT
It does partially make sense to me. May I gently ask why you have not spoken to him immediately about this? From my point of view, he needs to know either way. The police are already involved. CPS will be involved too because I am sure your son's therapist must have alerted them along with the police. I don't see how delaying this conversation is beneficial to any of you. He either did it and needs to be dealt with, or he didn't and you have a different and just as serious problem to deal with, with your daughter. The ramifications from this, if not true, can potentially ruin your husband's life. I am in NO WAY defending him. None of us know what has happened here. But as your husband, he needs to know what's going on. You tell us he's a bad liar, and unfortunately has a history of being deceitful with an affair. It's in your best interest to figure it out ASAP. I think you mentioned he was out of town? Is there a way to get to him or reach him? Can you leave your kids to go and talk with him? I can't imagine you will have any sort of peace or calm until you look him in the eye and hear what he has to say one way or the other.I am terribly sorry for you are going through. Terribly. My thoughts are with you. The words in bold above are exactly why I haven't spoken to him yet. He moved with his job last October, and it's a 7-8 hour drive away. He only comes home once a month. I need to do this face to face, there is no way I can do it over the phone. I couldn't go this weekend for a couple of reasons. My son's girlfriend is here for the weekend. It's her first visit (she lives about 4 hours away) and she was already on her way when I found out. I didn't want to leave them alone. Also, I'm not in a position to drive that far because of joint problems. I can get a steroid injection on Mon/Tues which should enable me to drive. And my husband is working in London from tomorrow evening, so he won't be back at his flat until next Friday. I do just want to jump in the car right now, but I wouldn't get 100 miles before my body would give up on me. So that would mean each time he is home he gets drunk?
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craftykitten
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,304
Jun 26, 2014 7:39:32 GMT
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Post by craftykitten on Mar 14, 2015 23:26:43 GMT
Olan, as she said he only started that job in October I guess that before then he worked closer to home. OP, I keep coming back to this thread and I just don't know what to say. I'm so sorry that you and your family are going through this. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope that you can find the strength to handle this.
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,378
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Mar 14, 2015 23:38:29 GMT
I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. There is so much turmoil in your life right now, I hope you take a minute or two for yourself each day to try and relieve the stress.
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Nicole in TX
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,951
Jun 26, 2014 2:00:21 GMT
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Post by Nicole in TX on Mar 14, 2015 23:44:38 GMT
What is your daughter's mood and behavior like when your husband does come home?
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Post by ~Zoey~ on Mar 15, 2015 0:10:10 GMT
I'm so sorry that you're going through this - you have my thoughts and prayers.
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suzastampin
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,587
Jun 28, 2014 14:32:59 GMT
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Post by suzastampin on Mar 15, 2015 0:27:40 GMT
I am really sorry that you all are going through this. It is an awful, horrible, disgusting thing to deal with. One question though...the son's therapist reported it, why didn't your daughter's? She would be a mandatory reporter too? That would concern me. I had the same thought. Hugs to to you while you figure this out.
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Post by lovinlife on Mar 15, 2015 0:37:47 GMT
Prayers & hugs
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Post by sillyrabbit on Mar 15, 2015 0:44:44 GMT
I have no advice only hugs to send to you.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Mar 15, 2015 1:12:53 GMT
I couldn't read this and not respond. I am so very sorry that you're having to go through this - whether or not the allegations are true, your world will never be the same, and that just plain sucks.
Although I have zero experience with this sort of thing, I do think you've gotten some good advice here (at least it seems to make sense to me), and I greatly respect those who have shared their personal stories in response to your cry for help.
I did have a couple of thoughts as I was reading through the responses. Again, I have no expertise so please take them as such.
1. I do know someone who, as an adult, was involved in a situation where counseling sessions brought out "repressed memories" that caused allegations against his family. As time went on, there were concerns that the therapist had "led him on" or somehow "put ideas into his head". I don't know the whole story (apparently there were other patients of this same therapist who experienced similar things), but I do know that at this point he himself is unsure if the "memories" were actually true, and has lived a lifetime of heartbreak because of it. I'm not in ANY way saying I think your daughter's therapist did this, but I do think it's something worth being aware of - both the "leading memories" and the concern that your daughter may indeed not even know what her reality is/was.
2. One of my first reactions to the uncle and then the dad allegations (I'm ruling out the stranger situation since there was physical evidence of that, which is heartbreaking in and of itself), was that she was manifesting the abuse from the uncle onto the father. Then I realized that perhaps, if the abuse from the father did indeed begin at a young age, she was manifesting the abuse from father onto the uncle - maybe as sort of a test to see if anyone would believe her?
Any way you slice it, it's a devastating situation for all involved. You have my most heartfelt prayers.
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