luckyexwife
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,069
Jun 25, 2014 21:21:08 GMT
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Post by luckyexwife on Mar 15, 2015 17:51:23 GMT
I am very sorry for this situation, and the enormous pressure on you.
However, I am shocked that you did not call your DH right away and tell him there was a family emergency and he was needed home immediately. I have no idea how you should proceed, but he should have been in a local hotel immediately to deal with this situation.
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uksue
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,531
Location: London
Jun 25, 2014 22:33:20 GMT
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Post by uksue on Mar 15, 2015 18:27:39 GMT
It does happen. My God-daughter is a very vulnerable young adult who has been raped by 4 different men- one of them repeatedly as he was a 'family freind'. She is pretty messed up due a horrific start in life ( she and her siblings-my best friend adopted the two girls).
OP I have only just clicked that you are in the UK. I worked in child protection for over 20 years and I don't understand the actions and advice of your daughters counsellor at all. Is she part of CAMHS ?
I feel for you, I really do.
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Post by *KAS* on Mar 15, 2015 18:47:27 GMT
Regardless of anything, this is a horrific story, and I'm sorry you have to live it.
I would encourage you to have your husband come home, immediately.
I also know someone who has a lot of issues, and wrote a whole letter about someone in her family raping her. It was also 100% false. I'm glad you are supporting your daughter, but I wouldn't believe her blindly due to previous issues. That doesn't mean it didn't happen, just that your husband of 25 years also deserves to at least KNOW what he's being accused of before you drive 7 hours and tell him to never come home. What if it's NOT true?
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Post by snappinsami on Mar 15, 2015 18:54:59 GMT
Oh my goodness... I simply couldn't read this and not respond. I am so sorry that you and your children. You will be in my thoughts as you move through this unspeakably difficult time. (((HUGS)))
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casii
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,517
Jun 29, 2014 14:40:44 GMT
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Post by casii on Mar 15, 2015 19:05:46 GMT
Praying for wisdom, discernment and comfort. I can't imagine the Rock and the hard place you are in between right now.
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Post by lovemybabes on Mar 15, 2015 19:17:12 GMT
I am so sorry. My heart is aching for her, and you. I really am praying for you guys.
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Post by ihaveonly1l on Mar 15, 2015 19:24:23 GMT
What a devastating situation no matter what the final outcome is. I can't imagine. Prayers for you and yours.
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Post by summer on Mar 15, 2015 19:28:05 GMT
I'm sorry you and your family are going through this horrific ordeal.
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Post by tarheelgurl on Mar 15, 2015 19:39:56 GMT
Has your daughter been on birth control since puberty. I would think a pregnancy would have occurred in those 12 years had she not been protected.
I know someone who was falsely accused and the charges were dropped but they do show up on a background check. He has not been able to get a job in years. That's a high price to pay for false charges.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 5:15:59 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 15, 2015 20:07:16 GMT
Wouldn't she be sullen and withdrawn each time it happened? Wouldn't she shy away from and not respond when he spoke to her on those mornings after? And why would she not lock her bedroom door to keep him out? I would have moved furniture against my door to prevent someone entering. Good god, you have no idea. I am astounded by these comments I am floored by a lot of comments on this thread really. Why hasn't she got pregnant over all this time? Wouldn't there be bruising? There isn't just ONE way to abuse someone. I have no comments on the claims by the daughter but am just shaking my head at a lot of ignorance on this thread.
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AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,969
Jan 4, 2015 1:47:52 GMT
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Post by AnotherPea on Mar 15, 2015 21:09:28 GMT
Wouldn't she be sullen and withdrawn each time it happened? Wouldn't she shy away from and not respond when he spoke to her on those mornings after? And why would she not lock her bedroom door to keep him out? I would have moved furniture against my door to prevent someone entering. Good god, you have no idea. I am astounded by these comments I am floored by a lot of comments on this thread really. Why hasn't she got pregnant over all this time? Wouldn't there be bruising? There isn't just ONE way to abuse someone. I have no comments on the claims by the daughter but am just shaking my head at a lot of ignorance on this thread. The OP said her daughter has been raped every month by her father for 12 years. In my state rape has a very specific meaning. Rape would indeed cause discomfort for an 8 year old girl.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 5:15:59 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 15, 2015 21:23:56 GMT
Good god, you have no idea. I am astounded by these comments I am floored by a lot of comments on this thread really. Why hasn't she got pregnant over all this time? Wouldn't there be bruising? There isn't just ONE way to abuse someone. I have no comments on the claims by the daughter but am just shaking my head at a lot of ignorance on this thread. The OP said her daughter has been raped every month by her father for 12 years. In my state rape has a very specific meaning. Rape would indeed cause discomfort for an 8 year old girl. I'm not sure why you are mentioning discomfort? What has that got to do with getting pregnant, bruising and locking the door or putting furniture up against it?
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Post by momstime on Mar 15, 2015 22:07:01 GMT
Let the cops investigate this. We don't need to be ganging up on the alleged victim, or stating opinion as fact. Whether it is true or not, it is a terrible situation for the OP. Let's be gentle. We are talking about her daughter AND her husband. There is no good outcome here.
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Post by moveablefeast on Mar 15, 2015 23:43:55 GMT
The OP said her daughter has been raped every month by her father for 12 years. In my state rape has a very specific meaning. Rape would indeed cause discomfort for an 8 year old girl. I'm not sure why you are mentioning discomfort? What has that got to do with getting pregnant, bruising and locking the door or putting furniture up against it? I suspect the discomfort referred to here is an intimate discomfort that might be observable due to things like sitting down gingerly or complaining of pain upon voiding, blood in underwear, things like that. Anatomically speaking, rape would do damage to an 8 year old's body that might be observable by her mom but would probably be obvious (and not insignificant) the next day to the girl. But I am by no means in the habit of questioning people who claim to have been raped. Doubting the victim is every bit as damaging as believing a false claim. So I believe the girl and think she needs care and support while her claims are investigated. OP, I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish you all the best and pray for your daughter. It is obvious that something is really wrong. Take good care of her and you.
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Post by *KAS* on Mar 15, 2015 23:49:19 GMT
@ramblin because the daughter said its been happening since she was 8 and until recently she thought it was just a dream. People were just saying that she would have had physical cues that it wasn't just a dream.
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AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,969
Jan 4, 2015 1:47:52 GMT
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Post by AnotherPea on Mar 15, 2015 23:55:33 GMT
The OP said her daughter has been raped every month by her father for 12 years. In my state rape has a very specific meaning. Rape would indeed cause discomfort for an 8 year old girl. I'm not sure why you are mentioning discomfort? What has that got to do with getting pregnant, bruising and locking the door or putting furniture up against it?
You mentioned that there were different types of sexual abuse that may not cause bruising, pregnancy or physical pain. I was merely stating that "rape" would cause pain and bruising in an 8 year old and probably would lead to pregnancy if done approximately 150 times.
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azredhead
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,755
Jun 25, 2014 22:49:18 GMT
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Post by azredhead on Mar 16, 2015 0:05:27 GMT
I only hope this family gets the help they desperately need both from the protecive and phsycological points, they need all the help they can get. Horrific situation.
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AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,969
Jan 4, 2015 1:47:52 GMT
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Post by AnotherPea on Mar 16, 2015 0:11:58 GMT
I volunteered with our local rape crisis center for years. I've held victims' hands as they endured examinations in the ER. I've explained what happened to them to their husbands because they felt so ashamed they could not face the men themselves. I've sat beside them as they waited to testify in court. Please do not think that I am eager to blame the victim. I know what it means to a woman to be heard and comforted. Probably better than most on this board.
I also know that women sometimes cry rape when there was no crime committed. I've been with women asked they asked, pre-morning after pill, if the medication they were getting "went back" several days or if it only worked when sex occurred that night. I've heard women claim to be victims of all sorts of heinous acts, when there was absolutely no physical evidence to support them. When it would have been impossible for the crimes to have been committed without evidence. I met a woman who was trying to get her brother-in-law thrown in jail and assumed that since her husband and his brother were related, the DNA would be a perfect match. The men weren't twins but in her ignorance she believed that she could claim he was raped by the BIL when it was her husband's semen inside of her. And of course I've seen the teen girls that cried rape because they got pregnant by their boyfriends. And teen girls that claimed their fathers molested them because they wanted revenge for some perceived offense. These women infuriate me because they diminish the tragedy that befalls true victims. They make me questions stories that don't seem to add up. Like the one in the OP. Something just doesn't seem right in that story. But, as I said in my first reply to this thread, regardless of what the truth is, that young lady needs a lot of help. The family needs a lot of prayers. And I'll be sending my best well-wishes across the ocean to them all.
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Post by lindywholoveskids on Mar 16, 2015 0:16:48 GMT
This is a crime that needs reporting. OPs therapist is mandated to report. Plain and simple. Then the support begins/ after the investigation.
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Post by peanutterbutter on Mar 16, 2015 0:36:42 GMT
drowning, I am sorry you are in such a horrible, sad situation. Hugs to you, and prayers for healing for your daughter and your family.
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Post by candleangie on Mar 16, 2015 7:04:10 GMT
You'd like to think so....
I was molested for years by my grandfather. I would make a point of saying goodnight to him in the living room, just hoping like hell that he wouldn't come in to 'say goodnight' and tuck me in.
Until the abuse started, he was my favorite person in the whole wide world, and I was the apple of his eye. Talk about conflicted. So during the day and in public, it was business as usual. It was how I protected myself, emotionally, and how I separated myself and my beloved GrandDad from what he was doing to me.
It's very easy to imagine what you think you would do, how you would feel, how you would behave....But you have to remember that there are always so many more layers and emotions involved....
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Post by lesserknownpea on Mar 16, 2015 7:38:14 GMT
OP-- this has many parallels with my DD. She suffered eating disorders, cutting, drug use, suicide attempts. I had a hunch it was sexual abuse causing this, and suspected my FIL or BIL.. Actually, I still haven't ruled that out, BIL is in prison right now for child sex abuse.
When I asked her at age 14, she adamantly denied it. I took her to counselors, but still nothing.
At 15 she was raped by a cousin. He took advantage of her vulnerability. She thought he really cared for her. She kept it a secret, but abruptly broke off contact with him at that time.
When my X was jailed for assaulting me 2 1/2 yrs ago, she finally, at age 28, admitted that her father had molested her. She had kept quiet because she couldn't bear breaking up our family. She hated what he had done (and it stopped when she was a preteen), but she still loved her dad.
I felt such grief that this horrible thing had damaged my child and I, who wished to protect my children, was unaware of it.
The counselor I saw works for a Sexual Assault Resource Center. All of this made sense to her. My X's behavior was pretty typical. He, too, drank too much on occasion. He favored this DD over the other 3 children.
So listen to your daughter, trust your gut, see if this does not explain so much, and get a good counselor with experience in this.
My best wishes for you and your family. My DD is now 31, and while still fragile, has made a life for herself that works for her, is no longer suicidal or on drugs.
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Post by peasapie on Mar 16, 2015 8:08:08 GMT
You'd like to think so.... I was molested for years by my grandfather. I would make a point of saying goodnight to him in the living room, just hoping like hell that he wouldn't come in to 'say goodnight' and tuck me in. Until the abuse started, he was my favorite person in the whole wide world, and I was the apple of his eye. Talk about conflicted. So during the day and in public, it was business as usual. It was how I protected myself, emotionally, and how I separated myself and my beloved GrandDad from what he was doing to me. It's very easy to imagine what you think you would do, how you would feel, how you would behave....But you have to remember that there are always so many more layers and emotions involved.... I'm awfully sorry--to the OP and to you. What a terrible situation.
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Post by leftturnonly on Mar 16, 2015 9:02:21 GMT
Drowning, I have no idea what is true and what is not here, but one thing is abundantly clear; you have been dealt a terrible blow.
{{{hugs}}}
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Post by katieanna on Mar 16, 2015 12:40:31 GMT
Oh my. I would be overwhelmed as well. Now that you know, you can act to protect your children, stop the abuse, and start the healing process which I'm sure will be long and complicated. But taking action will make you feel better. In the meantime, I will pray for you all of you. Lean on your faith if you are so inclined. You are not alone. I agree with this and with those who said that you need a counselor, too. I can't imagine the pain you must be going through but there IS help out there that will get you and your children through this. I am keeping you and your family in my prayers.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Mar 16, 2015 13:12:40 GMT
Sending positive thoughts and prayers to your whole family. I'm so sorry this is what life has dealt you.
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Post by alibama on Mar 16, 2015 13:50:16 GMT
I can not even imagine what you are going through right now. I hope that you are able to find a support system for you. My prayers are with your family.
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Post by janesays on Mar 16, 2015 13:55:13 GMT
I am so sorry. So very sorry this has happened to your family. Praying for you and your children.
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christinec68
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,384
Location: New York, NY
Jun 26, 2014 18:02:19 GMT
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Post by christinec68 on Mar 16, 2015 14:39:10 GMT
I can't even begin to imagine this type of heartache. My thoughts are with you and your family.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Mar 16, 2015 15:05:42 GMT
This is so sad. I'm sure this is going to be terribly difficult to deal with regardless of the outcome. I will say a prayer for your family.
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