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Post by pattipea on Mar 16, 2015 15:12:17 GMT
drowning, I am so sorry for this whole horrendous situation. As a previous poster said, a huge rock and a hard place. Just remember, what lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. Be strong and stay focused. Prayers for all of you.
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drowning
New Member
Posts: 8
Mar 14, 2015 16:34:21 GMT
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Post by drowning on Mar 16, 2015 21:46:52 GMT
A small update, for what it's worth.
I decided yesterday about 1pm that I couldn't bear it any longer and drove down to speak to my husband. Of course I had to tell my son why I was leaving so unexpectedly, and he immediately said that his dad would never touch his sister. After 400 miles, roadworks, road closures that led me to get lost for about an hour, I finally arrived at his flat. He was shocked to see me of course, and even more shocked when I told him why I was there. He was absolutely adamant that he had never ever touched her and certainly had never raped her. He was shaking and and so so sad, and I believed him.
And now I've come home, and I've been trying to find the words I need to get through to my daughter. I've told her that I don't think she's lying to me, that I believe she believes her dad did this, and that we need to find out why she thinks this. The look she gave me was unbearable. She thinks I've let her down and betrayed her. I probably have. I told her why certain details bothered me (like the last time she said he raped her, I actually spent most of both nights wide awake. I've got used to sleeping on my own, and when my husband is home, he lies and snores and farts all night.) When we were with her counsellor last week, she told us that abusive fathers will work to keep mum and daughter from having a close relationship. My husband is the opposite; he is aware of the difficult relationship I had with my own mum, and was always trying to ensure that DD and I were closer.
It seems so clear when I'm with either one of them; I know my husband so well and believe him, but my daughter looked so defeated when I spoke to her. If this is true, and I've told I don't think it is, then I deserve to die. I want to howl and howl because I don't know what to do.
My daughter has just left in a taxi to go to the hospital; she doesn't think she can stay safe tonight, and she wants to be admitted. She did the same thing last night, but the duty psychiatrist didn't think an admission would be of any benefit.
So now I'm still conflicted and I'm still in hell. I can see no way out of this, and my poor son is working so hard to try to keep me positive. He totally believes his dad, unwaveringly so. This situation is going to end up destroying all of us.
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Post by christine58 on Mar 16, 2015 21:50:09 GMT
Your entire family needs therapy ASAP... this is going to destroy you...no matter WHO is being truthful.
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jediannie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,037
Jun 30, 2014 3:19:06 GMT
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Post by jediannie on Mar 16, 2015 21:51:26 GMT
I am so sorry you are in this situation. I can't even imagine what I would do.
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scrapaddie
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,090
Jul 8, 2014 20:17:31 GMT
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Post by scrapaddie on Mar 16, 2015 21:51:40 GMT
I am so sorry you're going through this. Maybe this is already been answered but is he her biological father?
I think that until you get to the bottom of this, you have to protect your daughter. As heartbreaking as it might be if it turns out your husband is innocent, you cannot take chances. If he is innocent and truly concerned about your daughter, then he should be willing to go along with us.
Again, so sorry
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Post by greenlegume on Mar 16, 2015 21:59:05 GMT
I wish I had advice, but words just fail me. I am thinking about you and sending good thoughts. christine is right-your entire family needs therapy-as a unit and separately. This is a devastating situation no matter who isn't being truthful. I'm so, so sorry you are going through even one bit of this.
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Sue
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,240
Location: SE of Portland, Oregon
Jun 26, 2014 18:42:33 GMT
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Post by Sue on Mar 16, 2015 22:01:14 GMT
My heart breaks for you and all of your family. I can't offer any advice but will pray for your wisdom, strength and comfort in getting through this horrible situation. Hugs.
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Post by momstime on Mar 16, 2015 22:01:57 GMT
Your update is horribly tragic for all involved. I am so sorry. Things are going to get a lot worse before they get better. Hang in there! We are here for you.
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Post by Lexica on Mar 16, 2015 22:03:00 GMT
I am sorry that you are being put in the position to have to choose which one to believe. I don't think that should be this way. There are plenty of qualified professionals that would be of so much help to all of you. I really hope you can get into counseling as a family. As to your daughter feeling you don't believe her and are letting her down, I would still make sure she was 100% safe in her own home. Now that she has told you, she can be assured that if something was happening, it will never ever happen to her again. You will guarantee that.
If this were me in your position, and since your husband is only home one night a month, I would impress upon him how important it is that you stay in your daughter's room with her that night and I would do so. You can have personal time with him while your daughter is still up, but when she goes to bed, I'd be going with her to let her know she is safe. And in doing so, it would only be until you were able to come to a better understanding in counseling as a family.
Again, I am so very sorry about all of this. I pray that some day, you will have complete faith that you know the entire truth and have been able to obtain help for either your husband or your daughter. If this is all in her mind, it doesn't make it any less real to her. She is going to need all your support to get through this. Your whole family is.
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Post by gar on Mar 16, 2015 22:03:30 GMT
drowning, you need professional help....you all do.....this is too huge to deal with alone. A bomb has gone off in the midst of your family and it's no wonder you're struggling.
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Post by laureljean on Mar 16, 2015 22:06:30 GMT
((hugs)). I honestly don't know what I would do in your situation. How heartbreaking. I agree with the others about getting family therapy.
I hope this all gets sorted out soon.
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Post by MichyM on Mar 16, 2015 22:08:04 GMT
drowning, you need professional help....you all do.....this is too huge to deal with alone. A bomb has gone off in the midst of your family and it's no wonder you're struggling. Exactly.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 5:22:15 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 16, 2015 22:09:27 GMT
I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. Please get some help for all of you.
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Mary Kay Lady
Pearl Clutcher
PeaNut 367,913 Refupea number 1,638
Posts: 3,082
Jun 27, 2014 4:11:36 GMT
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Post by Mary Kay Lady on Mar 16, 2015 22:12:51 GMT
I am so sorry that you're having to deal with this. I can't even begin to imagine how painful this must be for you.
Is there any physical evidence to support her allegations? I'm wondering if perhaps these "memories" are actually planted or imagined?
Could you put a nanny cam in her room to prove/disprove any inappropriate actions taking place going forward? I realize that it doesn't help the current situation, but at least it will be proof going forward.
Prayers for your family.
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,023
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Mar 16, 2015 22:17:12 GMT
I wish I could find the words to give you some comfort, I am so sorry that this is your burden.
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Post by anonrefugee on Mar 16, 2015 22:19:43 GMT
I am so very sorry. Please keep believing there is a way out of this for all of you. The right help and answers will be found, do not give up hope. Even when you are exhausted and weak beyond belief you have a community here, and around you there, to help lift you up. It might not seem like much but each little step is progress. We are praying and sending positive thoughts.
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BarbaraUK
Drama Llama
Surrounded by my yarn stash on the NE coast of England...............!! Refupea 1702
Posts: 5,961
Location: England UK
Jun 27, 2014 12:47:11 GMT
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Post by BarbaraUK on Mar 16, 2015 22:28:08 GMT
drowning, you need professional help....you all do.....this is too huge to deal with alone. A bomb has gone off in the midst of your family and it's no wonder you're struggling. I agree with this drowning. You all need professional help to even start sorting this awful situation out......all of you are going to need an enormous amount of help and support for the foreseeable future. I understand the situation is more than difficult and getting professional help may lead you down paths you don't really want to go at the moment, but you can't sort this when you don't know which way to turn now and are stressed and distressed.....and that isn't going to disappear any time soon.......and you shouldn't even try to do this alone. There is plenty of help available, please ask for some very, very soon!
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Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,790
Location: Kentucky
Jun 25, 2014 20:31:44 GMT
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Post by Kerri W on Mar 16, 2015 22:28:51 GMT
Please, please get professional help for yourself. NOT with your DDs counselor. And perhaps a second opinion for your DD?
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azredhead
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,755
Jun 25, 2014 22:49:18 GMT
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Post by azredhead on Mar 16, 2015 22:49:40 GMT
Yes with all of the above Peas... as everyone is mentioning you are all in need of help- but at least YOU did talk to DH to see what his side was, before otherwise happened. And yes DD needs a 2nd opinion or other evaluation to understand what it of if something did happen. Too many ?? for all you. Bless you and your family with all the love and help you need.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 7, 2024 5:22:15 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 16, 2015 22:58:21 GMT
A small update, for what it's worth. It seems so clear when I'm with either one of them; I know my husband so well and believe him, but my daughter looked so defeated when I spoke to her. If this is true, and I've told I don't think it is, then I deserve to die. I want to howl and howl because I don't know what to do. My heart is breaking for you. I haven't read all of this, or even all of your responses but, I just wanted you to know I'm sending up prayers that you all all get through this intact and it leads to something positive. Whatever that may be. I'm so sorry you all are going through this.
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MizIndependent
Drama Llama
Quit your bullpoop.
Posts: 5,836
Jun 25, 2014 19:43:16 GMT
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Post by MizIndependent on Mar 16, 2015 23:05:37 GMT
I am so sorry, I don't even know what to say. Please know that another person is praying for you and your family.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Mar 16, 2015 23:12:16 GMT
Drowning, I want you to know that every one of us is thinking of you, praying for you, wanting the best for you and your entire family.
I am proud of you that you did not flip out on your dh before speaking to him.
And I agree that, today, you should call for emergency counseling for every member of your immediate family. Every one of you need to talk to a professional. Think of it as being unwell. Sometimes sickness runs through a family and everyone has to see the doctor. This is just a different type of being unwell. There is no shame in seeing and talking to a therapist. And they will help each one of you sort out your feelings, let you vent, and give you a safe & unbiased place to speak your mind.
(((hugs)))
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Mar 16, 2015 23:12:49 GMT
drowning, you need professional help....you all do.....this is too huge to deal with alone. A bomb has gone off in the midst of your family and it's no wonder you're struggling. I agree with this drowning. You all need professional help to even start sorting this awful situation out......all of you are going to need an enormous amount of help and support for the foreseeable future. I understand the situation is more than difficult and getting professional help may lead you down paths you don't really want to go at the moment, but you can't sort this when you don't know which way to turn now and are stressed and distressed.....and that isn't going to disappear any time soon.......and you shouldn't even try to do this alone. There is plenty of help available, please ask for some very, very soon! I wish I could say I can't imagine. But I have been there. My father sexually abused me and all my sisters. My mother did not believe it either, until my youngest sister was assaulted on campus when she was in college and it all came out. Your husband if innocent should understand your need to protect your daughter first. She clearly has been through a lot. No matter what has actually happened, she is in a very painful place. I would get professional help for yourself, find a good family counselor, and someone who is experienced with sexual predators. An experienced therapist should be able to help you cut through the BS and get to the truth. I am so sorry for you and your whole family.
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Post by Ellie on Mar 16, 2015 23:12:50 GMT
I have no advice, but you and your family are in my thoughts. My heart goes out to you.
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Post by 2peaornot2pea on Mar 16, 2015 23:19:54 GMT
A small update, for what it's worth. I decided yesterday about 1pm that I couldn't bear it any longer and drove down to speak to my husband. Of course I had to tell my son why I was leaving so unexpectedly, and he immediately said that his dad would never touch his sister. After 400 miles, roadworks, road closures that led me to get lost for about an hour, I finally arrived at his flat. He was shocked to see me of course, and even more shocked when I told him why I was there. He was absolutely adamant that he had never ever touched her and certainly had never raped her. He was shaking and and so so sad, and I believed him. And now I've come home, and I've been trying to find the words I need to get through to my daughter. I've told her that I don't think she's lying to me, that I believe she believes her dad did this, and that we need to find out why she thinks this. The look she gave me was unbearable. She thinks I've let her down and betrayed her. I probably have. I told her why certain details bothered me (like the last time she said he raped her, I actually spent most of both nights wide awake. I've got used to sleeping on my own, and when my husband is home, he lies and snores and farts all night.) When we were with her counsellor last week, she told us that abusive fathers will work to keep mum and daughter from having a close relationship. My husband is the opposite; he is aware of the difficult relationship I had with my own mum, and was always trying to ensure that DD and I were closer. It seems so clear when I'm with either one of them; I know my husband so well and believe him, but my daughter looked so defeated when I spoke to her. If this is true, and I've told I don't think it is, then I deserve to die. I want to howl and howl because I don't know what to do. My daughter has just left in a taxi to go to the hospital; she doesn't think she can stay safe tonight, and she wants to be admitted. She did the same thing last night, but the duty psychiatrist didn't think an admission would be of any benefit. So now I'm still conflicted and I'm still in hell. I can see no way out of this, and my poor son is working so hard to try to keep me positive. He totally believes his dad, unwaveringly so. This situation is going to end up destroying all of us. Do you think it is possible that her counselor has implanted false memories in your daughter? It is something to consider....
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Post by putabuttononit on Mar 16, 2015 23:39:15 GMT
If this were my situation, I'd be in complete agony but I would ask my husband to HELP ME in helping our daughter. I'd ask him to stay in a hotel until we got it all sorted out. I would expect him to totally understand, even if he was innocent. Especially if innocent, he should want to come alongside you in your efforts as parents to protect your daughter from her own mind and bring healing somehow. If he's guilty he shouldn't be anywhere near your daughter. If he's innocent, he STILL shouldn't be near her. For his own protection and for her (because she believes this).
Be VERY careful about "professionals" and do your research. Get references. There are many who are too eager to lead/implant ideas. And also, listen to your son and everything he has to tell you about his observations and opinions. Get counseling for every one of you. Is there somebody you trust who would be a friend to share this all with? Or a pastor?
Remember, it's not your job to fix this. Be her mom first and wife next. Your daughter needs you, and he's a grown man. If he's innocent and I pray that he is, he will want your focus on your child. He will want her to be first priority.
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gloryjoy
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,332
Jun 26, 2014 12:35:32 GMT
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Post by gloryjoy on Mar 16, 2015 23:50:09 GMT
OH MY GOSH, I am so sorry to read your update. I wish I had some comforting words, some advice for you but I do not.
All I have is that I definitely agree that the entire family needs professional help.
My heart goes out to you.
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Post by ~Zoey~ on Mar 16, 2015 23:56:21 GMT
My heart aches for what you and your family are going through. Like gloryjoy, I wish I had comforting words and a word of advice. You and your family are in my continued thoughts and prayers.
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Post by Skypea on Mar 17, 2015 0:18:05 GMT
While you work thru this, can you get your dd a hand alarm (a loud one)? That way she'll feel safe having it with her in her room. Maybe one she can keep under her pillow? Could it be she is reliving the other attack at night while sleeping?
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Post by Dixie Lou on Mar 17, 2015 0:22:15 GMT
I am so, so sorry.
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