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Post by maryland on Jul 9, 2015 1:56:28 GMT
Not everyone's kids are assholes. Hahahahahahaha. Hahaha! Just you wait! I have the PERFECT child. Everyone, for his entire life, marveled at how perfect he was. My husband I were so pleased, because his younger brother has been hell on wheels for his entire life. We figured we had one "easy" and one "hard." Then he turned 13, and developed a very asshole-like attitude. It's not all the time, and he's not doing drugs or getting arrested but MAN is he a jerk sometimes. We're at 15 now, and it's changed somewhat, but very often I still want to throttle the child. I'm sure I will be very happy/sad to be an empty nester, but it's a long ways off for me. We were married young and had our kids young.. but last year at 37 we had another. So we'll have had kids at home for 32 years by the time he turns 18! Your son sounds like my 15 yr. old daughters long lost twin! She too was the sweetest most perfect child. Then she turned 13/14 and it all changed! And my kids too, when we talk to them about their behavior and being messy, tell us at least we aren't using drugs. I tell them that they are lucky because their dad and I aren't either!
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Post by Karmady on Jul 9, 2015 2:05:53 GMT
another one who will never be an empty nester. I crave quiet time.... and a vacation longer than 7 days.... and one night away with dh and no kids which hasn't happened in 21 years (sigh). I know, shut up and stop my belly aching. All is good My 15 year old started his "assholian" stage a few weeks ago. OMG, I want to punch him in the face some nights, but I make tea instead LOL.
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Post by choppedliver on Jul 9, 2015 2:09:39 GMT
another one who will never be an empty nester. I crave quiet time.... and a vacation longer than 7 days.... and one night away with dh and no kids which hasn't happened in 21 years (sigh). I know, shut up and stop my belly aching. All is good You have every right to bellyache. It's gotta be hard sometimes.
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Post by beanbuddymom on Jul 9, 2015 2:43:25 GMT
I'm already sad because my teen DD has already left mentally - she's going through the hateful stage because whenever I say no to her she has to say how much she hates me and how I have ruined her life by saying no to whatever it is (going somewhere, buying something, etc.). I really feel sad that at some point she will be old enough to leave and never come back. My preteen son is a sweet boy and I know I will be sad when he leaves too. I know it's my job to raise them so they can leave but I just feel really sad that in few years all of this will be over. I don't have a great relationship with DH so when they are gone I just will be pretty alone.
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Post by 950nancy on Jul 9, 2015 3:17:40 GMT
My oldest went to college for a year and then moved up into the mountains to work at a ski lodge for a season. He is super quiet and sometimes moody. When he left, I was fine with it. My youngest though is my entertainment. He has been from day one. He's "leaving" for college in August. I will miss the crap out of him. He is even keeled, hysterical, ironic, and always up to go anywhere or do anything with his mom, brother, or dad. He's had a girlfriend for five years and she goes most places with us. His college is about 15 minutes up the interstate. I persuaded him to stay in the dorms to get the full college experience. I am sure he will be home any night he doesn't like what is on the menu. I don't think we'll be true empty nesters until he finishes his degree. He's starting his freshman year with 28 credits, so I think it will be three years. Both of my boys say they are going to keep the house and they will put us in a home. They also threaten to live next door like Everyone Loves Raymond. I love that my boys like to hang around us and will miss it when they are gone. Not saying I won't be happy, but I will miss them.
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Post by Linda on Jul 9, 2015 16:35:54 GMT
I think it'll be an adjustment for me certainly - by the time my youngest graduates high school, I'll have been parenting for almost 34 years and I suspect it'll be another 2-4 after that before she truly flies the nest. That's a long time for my identify to be "mum" and I'll be at an age (I'll be turning 55 the summer she graduates) where re-inventing myself may be more challenging....I've never had a career (I had jobs as a teen and when my oldest was small but I've been a SAHM since 2000) and that probably won't change.
Sad? I'll certainly miss them as they start to move out - my oldest leaves for basic training in November and he'll be the first to fly the nest but he's so excited about his new adventure that it's hard to be too sad.
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scrapaddie
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,090
Jul 8, 2014 20:17:31 GMT
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Post by scrapaddie on Jul 9, 2015 16:43:44 GMT
Just a vent, but I honestly cannot imagine being a sad empty nester!!! I have 4 kids, the youngest two are almost 16 and 18 1/2 and they are driving me nuts! They just left together saying they were going to a movie. I asked what one and the one they told me is rated R. The 16 yo won't get in....don't know what the plan is or if they were just being pia's and telling me that and are actually seeing something she can get into. Their attitudes are completely annoying. Every time I ask where they are going, what they've been up to, etc. I get attitude. God forbid they see it as making conversation. The 18 1/2 yo is of the mindset that he's an adult so he doesn't see the need to ever tell us anything. Which leads me to the friend that i'm not loving who he hangs out with. Not the worst kid in the world by any means, but his decisions aren't always the best. Currently he's a month away from 19 dating a 15 yo I'm doing my best to keep reminding myself that my ds hasn't given me any reason to distrust his decisions! dd is just has a general teen girl attitude. I keep thinking today if my nest were empty I don't think i'd be sad First, I am a happy empty jester, although it was an adjustment after all the activity watching her sports, etc. Second... for your 18 year old... you don't HAVE to support him any more... while he lives in YOUR home, he answers to you! Imho
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The Great Carpezio
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Something profound goes here.
Posts: 2,973
Jun 25, 2014 21:50:33 GMT
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Jul 9, 2015 17:08:57 GMT
I think there are so many variables, but to put it simply, we are all different people with different personalities and life experiences.
I don't think it has much to even do with the kid and whether he/she is an asshole or not---I think it is 90% parental perceptions. The other 10% is a mixture of kid personality, distance (big difference between a local college and the other side of the world) and whether the kid is an only or multiple only (I think it's harder to "ease" into empty nest when you don't have a couple/few years to get used to the idea---you're just abruptly done).
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Post by withapea on Jul 9, 2015 17:15:57 GMT
I don't know. I have really enjoyed parenting my teen. The problems are bigger but she hasn't been the terror that I'd been led to believe she'd be. She can be irritating ( for me that's true for most people ) but mostly it's been great. She's going to be a senior next year and it's definitely a bittersweet thing. I have a twelve year old too and she's just hormonal, her emotions are crazy, but my oldest was like that too. I've always been intent on raising independent kids so I'm not a parent that has their entire life revolve around her kids but I will be sad and miss them when they're gone. I'm sure I'll appreciate some things as well, but at this point, I'm in no hurry to have them gone.
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Post by finsup on Jul 9, 2015 18:16:25 GMT
Not everyone's kids are assholes. True, sometimes their mothers are.
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Post by Native New Yorker on Jul 9, 2015 19:04:27 GMT
My son is an only child and I am a single mom with no family. I will miss him once he finishes school and starts his own life.
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846
Jun 27, 2014 18:02:10 GMT
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Post by georgiapea on Jul 9, 2015 21:30:16 GMT
Guess I should have come back to this thread sooner. Of course everyone misses their grown kids after they have moved on. Just as one misses their siblings who have gone their own way, and the parents they no longer live with. But we don't have children with the goal of keeping them with us forever and we get to be happy when we've accomplished our mission.
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Post by Dori~Mama~Bear on Jul 9, 2015 23:02:10 GMT
I think the saddest part for me was finding out 12 days before she was leaving. that she was going to be gone for months. I don't think I would have been so Freaked friggin out if I had more time to wrap my mind and heart around it.
I loved being a mom. The first year her dad and I lived together. Not as a couple but as friends with a baby. We wanted to share that first year of her life with both of us without being in separate cities. We both know when she was 1 year old that I would move out and get my life going forward again. It was the best year ever because there was no relationship issues and we could be mom and dad to our baby. After that she continued to live with me and spend as much time with dad that dad wanted to spend with her. We had joint custody because I didn't want to limit his time with her or her time with him. All her life she has been able to call her dad and or go over to his house any time she wanted to. We always split the holidays and summers. As she grew she has gotten to be very independent and able to do what ever she wants to with her dad. This is the 5th time since 2007 that she has been to Hawaii and the years that she didn't go he came her for the summer and they got to spend time together. So this is knew to me for her to be gone for months and not weeks or days. She is going over there to figure out if she wants to move over there or live on her own here. So even when she comes back it might only be for a short time.
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Post by Tamhugh on Jul 9, 2015 23:15:58 GMT
The empty nest has had ups and downs for me.
The day we left to take my oldest to college, the only time I cried was as we backed out of the driveway. It hit me in such a big way that our family unit would never be the same again. It hasn't been. In some ways it is better, and in some ways it is worse. I was very sad and a little lost for about a week after the youngest left. But then, I got over it.
Now, I enjoy the quiet. I like that I can clean up and it stays cleaned up for awhile. When the boys come home, there is chaos. Oldest DS lives in the city and he can't sleep without noise. He likes to sleep on the couch in the family room when he comes home so he can have the tv on. There are clothes and blankets everywhere and it stresses me out. But it makes me happy to wake up and have him here. DH and I love that we can pick up and go away for a weekend now on a whim. But we miss some of the crazy weekends of soccer, and play practice, and Sunday School. I love not having to worry about meals and only having to do laundry once or twice a week. But I miss hearing my kids laughing and joking and just being here.
SO, I don't hate the empty nest. Occasionally though, I am sad about it and I think it is a bittersweet time in life.
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marimoose
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,282
Jul 22, 2014 2:10:14 GMT
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Post by marimoose on Jul 9, 2015 23:30:12 GMT
I know this is just a vent for you and you love your kids. Yes your 16 yr old will get in because she had a legal adult with her. Not necessarily, my 20 yo DD tried to take her 17 yo brother and they wouldn't let him in without an adult over 21. Also, even though he's 17 he doesn't have his license yet, and you should have seen the rigmarole I had to go through to let him see Ted 2--even with me buying the tickets--because I wasn't going in with him to watch it. Good Lord. You would have thought he was trying to sneak into AdultCon. This is exactly true. My kids have all worked at the movie theater and this is the rule and it was enforced. I am not saying that kids don't sneak into movies unseen after purchasing a ticket but if they walk up together the likelihood of them getting in is weak. The theaters are held accountable and don't want to take unnecessary risks. There are reason that there are rules.
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pridemom
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Posts: 2,843
Jul 12, 2014 21:58:10 GMT
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Post by pridemom on Jul 10, 2015 0:18:13 GMT
I know this is just a vent for you and you love your kids. Yes your 16 yr old will get in because she had a legal adult with her. Not necessarily, my 20 yo DD tried to take her 17 yo brother and they wouldn't let him in without an adult over 21. Also, even though he's 17 he doesn't have his license yet, and you should have seen the rigmarole I had to go through to let him see Ted 2--even with me buying the tickets--because I wasn't going in with him to watch it. Good Lord. You would have thought he was trying to sneak into AdultCon. Doesn't he have a state photo ID? You can take him to the DMV for a photo ID. The same documentation for a DL is needed to establish identity.
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Post by Zee on Jul 10, 2015 0:34:00 GMT
Not necessarily, my 20 yo DD tried to take her 17 yo brother and they wouldn't let him in without an adult over 21. Also, even though he's 17 he doesn't have his license yet, and you should have seen the rigmarole I had to go through to let him see Ted 2--even with me buying the tickets--because I wasn't going in with him to watch it. Good Lord. You would have thought he was trying to sneak into AdultCon. Doesn't he have a state photo ID? You can take him to the DMV for a photo ID. The same documentation for a DL is needed to establish identity. No and no way in hell am I putting myself through that Hades known as the DMV just so he can easily see Ted 2. He can wait until he gets his license.
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Post by Dori~Mama~Bear on Jul 10, 2015 16:44:53 GMT
Doesn't he have a state photo ID? You can take him to the DMV for a photo ID. The same documentation for a DL is needed to establish identity. No and no way in hell am I putting myself through that Hades known as the DMV just so he can easily see Ted 2. He can wait until he gets his license. I got my first State Id card when I was 12 years old. It is good for so many things. once you go in to take the driving test you keep the same number. It gave my mom a secure feeling for if something happened to me while I was away from home somebody would know who I was.
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Post by Zee on Jul 10, 2015 16:47:59 GMT
Again, not happening. He can go take his test. He just doesn't want to.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jul 10, 2015 17:44:30 GMT
I think it'll be an adjustment for me certainly - by the time my youngest graduates high school, I'll have been parenting for almost 34 years and I suspect it'll be another 2-4 after that before she truly flies the nest. That's a long time for my identify to be "mum" and I'll be at an age (I'll be turning 55 the summer she graduates) where re-inventing myself may be more challenging....I've never had a career (I had jobs as a teen and when my oldest was small but I've been a SAHM since 2000) and that probably won't change. Sad? I'll certainly miss them as they start to move out - my oldest leaves for basic training in November and he'll be the first to fly the nest but he's so excited about his new adventure that it's hard to be too sad. I can relate to a lot of what you've said...my oldest is 25, my youngest almost 16. I've been parenting a long time now and some days are just plain tiring!! And some days there doesn't seem to be an end in sight (mine are all still at home, lol.) I don't mind that they are here, they are saving and establishing careers and most days are good. But some days like I said are tiring....and the other day was just that! And after reading some of the posts, I realize part of my issue too is the reinventing yourself part. I've been home with my kids for a good portion of the time. I'm currently back in school, needing to find something else to do with life. Thankfully at the end of the day, they're good kids, aren't in trouble and hopefully that will continue to be the case.
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ginacivey
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refupea #2 in southeast missouri
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Jun 25, 2014 19:18:36 GMT
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Post by ginacivey on Jul 10, 2015 17:55:43 GMT
i recently read an article about empty nesting
they called the asshole stage 'soiling the nest'
almost like they are assholes puposefully...to make it easier when they do leave
it makes sense to me
some days i can't wait til there gone
other days it makes me incredibly sad
i think sad because -
1. i'll miss them 2. it'll just be Dh and I - and then ya wonder what the hell you'll talk about 3. will anyone need me to take care of them?
gina
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purplebee
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Jun 27, 2014 20:37:34 GMT
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Post by purplebee on Jul 10, 2015 18:28:05 GMT
Dh and I have been empty nesters for a few months now. Ds 19, 20 in a couple of weeks, found a little house to rent and decided to fly the coop. He has a good job, and is learning how to manage himself and his money which is a very good thing for him. He can be a colossal asshat, we can't tell him anything because he already knows it, but I can see maturity arriving in increments. I know at 19 he has as lot of growing up to do, but basically he is a good kid, talented and helpful when we need him. We just got back from a 2 week trip to Utah to visit friends and family, and it was pretty pleasant for the most part.
While I miss having him around, I'm not really sad to be an empty nester, because as someone said above, gaining their independence is what you strive for in raising kids. I talk to him often and we see him about once a week.
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Jili
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SLPea
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Jun 26, 2014 1:26:48 GMT
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Post by Jili on Jul 10, 2015 18:39:30 GMT
I'm not an empty nester just yet, but it's coming closer and closer. My older dd just finished her first year of college, and I have another dd who is a sophomore.
Older dd is home now, but it was a different year for us with just the three of us home. It really changed things, and it really hit me that in certain ways our family dynamic is changed, for good. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it is different. The first few weeks were challenging--seeing the door to her room open (and seeing it CLEAN), setting the table for three instead of four, the quietness of just having three of us at home.
I got used to it, and I will be fine when she leaves in the fall, but there's a part of me that's already wistful for what used to be, for when the kids were younger. I don't want to go back to it by any means, but there's aspects of having young children that I really miss. I never thought I'd say that.
I'm trying to enjoy what time I have left with them at home, and will adapt, I know. Years ago when dd was born I never, ever imagined actually getting to this point. It's just unbelievable and a little hard to process at times.
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Post by scrapmaven on Jul 10, 2015 18:39:46 GMT
I love my assholes too much to be happy that they're soon leaving the nest. They might be assholes, but they're my assholes and I will always love them more than life itself.
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Post by elaine on Jul 10, 2015 19:22:49 GMT
I'm jealous of empty nesters. I'll never go through that stage.
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Post by maryland on Jul 10, 2015 19:34:50 GMT
My 17 yr. old starts college in the fall. I can't believe she is a college freshman! The only thing that is getting me through the fact that she will be 5 hrs. way is that it's my college! Every summer when we visit my parents (20 min. from the school), my kids and I spend a day walking around campus, it's that big and beautiful! So I guess it's my own fault she is going there!
If she choose the local big university (30 min. away) it would have been a lot cheaper, and closer. But it's a city school, and she just wanted a campus. She didn't want to go in the city (although my husband really really wanted her to go there!).
I am happy that I will still have 2 kids at home. But the time will fly by. My husband and I want to move to Florida when the youngest finishes college, so I will have that as a "distraction" when we have no kids at home. It would have been hard if we stayed where we are, the "sunless capital of the US"! Being in Florida will be fun and exciting, and a good distraction from missing the kids. They will probably move there too, as they want to be in a hot, sunny area!
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jul 10, 2015 20:14:15 GMT
I love my assholes too much to be happy that they're soon leaving the nest. They might be assholes, but they're my assholes and I will always love them more than life itself. Love this!!
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lesley
Drama Llama
My best friend Turriff, desperately missed.
Posts: 7,292
Location: Scotland, Scotland, Scotland
Jul 6, 2014 21:50:44 GMT
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Post by lesley on Jul 10, 2015 20:42:32 GMT
I'm not sure I will ever be an empty nester either. When my DD20 is well, I start to think that she could cope on her own, but then everything crashes down again and I realise it's not going to happen. DS is 17 and hoping to join the army, but given that he has to gain 10kg to pass the medical, and that he doesn't eat, that might take a while too. However, they are both out tonight and staying over with friends, and I'm getting a little taste of what it might be like. The dog and I don't like it.
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Post by Miss Lerins Momma on Jul 10, 2015 21:08:03 GMT
I cannot even imagine my kids not being here. I will be the worst "empty nester!"
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janeinbama
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Jan 29, 2015 16:24:49 GMT
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Post by janeinbama on Jul 11, 2015 0:22:40 GMT
I had no idea empty nesters were sad. Ever. Isn't the goal of raising children to launch them into adulthood, where they can stand on their own 2 feet and live their own lives, make their own success? Anytime I've ever encountered anyone saying "We are empty nesters", it's done with a big smile. Absolutely the goal is to raise independent, well adjusted kids. But as someone who has been single for a good portion of the raising of those kids, a large part of my identity over the last almost 20 years has as a mother. The majority of decisions I have made were in relation to how they effect not just me, but the kids as well. It isn't so much that I am sad, it is that I am going to have to relearn who I am independent of being a parent. It is kind of scary in a way. The empty nest thing is more about me than it is about the kids. It is funny to get the phone call from your kids saying "Mom where are ya'll? I came home early for XYZ and you and Dad are gone." I just loved it - we are out to dinner at a restaurant of OUR choosing at the time WE wanted to go. After hanging up DH and I would just laugh. Our youngest is 31 - this happened years ago. And yes, we do miss the school friends, sports, just being in the loop.
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