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Post by ScrapsontheRocks on Nov 14, 2015 14:35:06 GMT
As @backtopeality said upthread, take the door off his bedroom. This is one of the most excruciating things for a teenager. Make him earn it back. Good luck Mom.
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Post by Drew on Nov 14, 2015 14:35:16 GMT
Yikes, some of you mamas don't mess around.
I wouldn't go overboard with the punishments. Haven't most of us done this in our youth? It's sort of a rite of passage. There would be escalating consequences for sure if it happened again but I wouldn't camp out on his floor or remove his door, and certainly not get police involved...yet. When or if he does something really horrible, you'll have no punishments left to employ lol. Let the kid learn a lesson without pulling out each and every punishment known to man.
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Post by Zee on Nov 14, 2015 14:43:38 GMT
I'd be secretly thrilled my kid had friends and a social life. I'd probably put the pillows and blankets back with a little note asking if he needs money or a ride, lolol. He's got like three friends and claims to hate everyone else. I hope he grows out of this angry hermit phase.
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grinningcat
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Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Nov 14, 2015 14:49:59 GMT
Yikes, some of you mamas don't mess around. I wouldn't go overboard with the punishments. Haven't most of us done this in our youth? It's sort of a rite of passage. There would be escalating consequences for sure if it happened again but I wouldn't camp out on his floor or remove his door, and certainly not get police involved...yet. When or if he does something really horrible, you'll have no punishments left to employ lol. Let the kid learn a lesson without pulling out each and every punishment known to man. I agree. I don't really understand the zero to nuclear reaction being presented here. I've been reading this thread trying to figure out what the big deal is. The only problem I saw is that he sucks at sneaking around and needs some lessons in not getting caught. The nuclear reactions presented here are a great way for him to get better at sneaking around... that and not trusting parents. But hey, what do I know... I knew what I was doing and never got caught. But I do know that if my parents went nuclear on me for sneaking out, I'd get better at it and it would have badly damaged our relationship.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Nov 14, 2015 14:50:36 GMT
I didn't have this issue with my son. However, I really think you need to explain that he has violated your trust and now has to earn it back. I would definitely get the other parents involved and I would be very vocal about it. He should be squirming with embarrassment that he was caught. I would also curtail his electronic freedom. As much as WE think kids need to be plugged in for their protection, they don't. His computer would be out of his room also since he's using it against you. Kids are tough, good luck.
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Post by mollycoddle on Nov 14, 2015 14:52:41 GMT
I love the fact that you are making him stay up.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Nov 14, 2015 15:05:07 GMT
I think if this is not acceptable behavior for this parent it should be addressed. Treating it as if "all kids do this" (they don't) will just tell him it's okay and then it escalates. The one thing we seem to have forgotten is that actions have consequences. For each family that's different. For this family it obviously is a big deal. He knew what he was doing was wrong since he snuck out. Otherwise he would have just said, "Bye mom, going to hang out at a party.".
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smartypants71
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,706
Location: Houston, TX
Jun 25, 2014 22:47:49 GMT
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Post by smartypants71 on Nov 14, 2015 15:18:19 GMT
Yikes, some of you mamas don't mess around. I wouldn't go overboard with the punishments. Haven't most of us done this in our youth? It's sort of a rite of passage. There would be escalating consequences for sure if it happened again but I wouldn't camp out on his floor or remove his door, and certainly not get police involved...yet. When or if he does something really horrible, you'll have no punishments left to employ lol. Let the kid learn a lesson without pulling out each and every punishment known to man. I did it A LOT when I was in high school. My curfew was ridiculous, so I really was just hanging out with friends. I wasn't drinking or doing drugs. My DS is 14 and I just don't see him doing something like this, plus with the alarm on the house, I'm not sure he could get away with it anyway. I'm sure he'll find a loophole eventually
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
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Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Nov 14, 2015 15:24:17 GMT
I never snuck out as a kid. No reason to. I respected my parents and their rules. I was also too tired to do anything since I was a good student and worked at a few sports after school and had a job.
I'm over the moon stoked that mom is making him stay up. I'd keep adding chores until it's bedtime tonite!
Props pm staying calm! I think I'd be a basket case with worry about what the kid is up to. There is so much shit they can get into! The middle of the night is no time for kids to be out on the streets messing around. Their judgement lapses as the sun goes down.
Our house has an alarm. If my DD (currently 4) ever sneaks out and is caught, that alarm will be set and she will not have a fighting chance at getting out without waking up the whole neighborhood. She will also lose her phone, keys, anything she likes to do for a very long time. School, work, home will be her life.
It's hard being a parent. Kids push and push all they can. For me, freedom is ok until it's taken advantage of.
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Post by RiverIsis on Nov 14, 2015 15:29:31 GMT
I didn't have this issue. The short is I would have probably been more along the lines of if you want adult privileges (staying out all night, drinking, etc.) then you have to take on adult responsibilities, and then get all motherly that I would prefer that they stay young and not worry about having adult privileges yet.
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J u l e e
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Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Nov 14, 2015 15:48:56 GMT
Relationship first! Reasons, not rules!
What are you trying to accomplish? Strict adherence to rules, or an understanding of how to live responsibly and make smart decisions?
I never snuck out (impossibly small house), but I most definitely played the shell game with which house it was where all the friends were spending the night. I gave my parents false information ALL THE TIME about where I was and what I was doing. I was a very good kid and in all of that time of "sneaking around" nothing harmful or illegal ever happened. I had to sneak around to do regular teenager stuff because I was given NO freedoms. I just wanted to be a kid, with my friends!
There are reasons you don't sneak out your bedroom window and hang out running through town during the night hours. But could they all hang out in your basement playing video games until 5:00 AM? They're teenagers. They like staying up all night hanging out. Can you give them an outlet to do that safely?
I don't know. That's just one example, but I feel for teenagers. I remember being one and having a jailer/inmate relationship with my parents. And we wonder why teenagers think we've forgotten what it is to be youthful.
Can you hold off on the list of endless chores and connect with your son? Major heart to heart. Listen first. Listen hard. Relationship is the key. I promise.
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Post by maryland on Nov 14, 2015 16:13:14 GMT
I am glad your son is okay and you are grounding him, giving him chores, and making him stay up!
The more I think about it, I would be really angry if my daughters snuck out of the house. Our girls have a lot of freedom, and are great kids. If they ever really wanted to do something, most likely we would let them as long as they tell us what they want to do. So if they snuck out, it would mean they were up to no good!
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Deleted
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May 13, 2024 18:35:53 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2015 16:28:15 GMT
I'd be secretly thrilled my kid had friends and a social life. I'd probably put the pillows and blankets back with a little note asking if he needs money or a ride, lolol. He's got like three friends and claims to hate everyone else. I hope he grows out of this angry hermit phase. On the one hand I understand this, my son has had a tough time transitioning to junior high. Almost all of his friends from elementary school have moved on to honors classes. He hasn't and for whatever reason they don't hang out anymore so he doesn't have much of a social life right now. One the other hand I listen to a lot of true crime podcasts. If I found he had snuck out I would be freaking out thinking worst case scenario. There is just no way I could condone it. There would be hell to pay.
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LeaP
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Jun 26, 2014 23:17:22 GMT
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Post by LeaP on Nov 14, 2015 17:01:16 GMT
Gak! Sorry, this happened to you. I have a 14 yr old daughter and I often joke that her brain is in the off position because she does stupid stuff. Drinking at a party would really annoy me and I would probably give the safety/preparing for launch speech. That is, I am trying to prepare her to be able to navigate the world at large and the better she is at the small details of independence the more independence she will have. She too went over her data. The first time we warned her, the second time we took away the data indefinitely because she had "no idea" what she could possibly have done. She got it back a month and a half later when she miraculously remembered downloading stuff without using the wireless. Duh, brain in the off position!
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Deleted
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May 13, 2024 18:35:53 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2015 17:06:25 GMT
I would be extremely upset if my children left the house in the middle of the night. It's dangerous, it's stupid, and it's unnecessary.
I like the idea of finding a way to have your son's friends at your house on some weekends for sleepovers, so they can be together and have in a safe environment.
I don't know what kind of punishments I'd be using. Definitely restricted activities. I may start monitoring phone usage to try to thwart any plans being set up for midnight escapes, and also make sure the phone was locked down with me after bedtime.
Being a parent sucks sometimes!! Ugh.
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Post by maryland on Nov 14, 2015 17:10:11 GMT
I'd be secretly thrilled my kid had friends and a social life. I'd probably put the pillows and blankets back with a little note asking if he needs money or a ride, lolol. He's got like three friends and claims to hate everyone else. I hope he grows out of this angry hermit phase. Me too! Our oldest is now a freshman in college (5 hrs. away). She was young for her grade, and hardly ever went out in high school. She was on the track team, and had some great friends, but unless they specifically asked her to do something, she would never ask someone to hang out. Then she went away to college at the end of August. The first weekend in college, she made friends and went to a party! She has been going to football games and has study groups, been hanging out in friends dorms and so different than she was in high school. She also takes school very seriously and is great at finding a balance. As much as I miss her, I am so proud of her getting her confidence in college and being social!
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peabay
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Nov 14, 2015 17:12:45 GMT
If you have a meeting with the other parents, be prepared that everyone may not be on the same page. I saw my dd's best friend driving a group of kids the other day and he only got his license maybe 2 months ago (in our state you cannot drive with anyone unrelated to you under the age of 21 in the car for a year; a sibling after 6 months.) I talked with him about it last night - I told him it's not the rule I care about, but that if anything happened to him, I'd be heartbroken. And he said: "My mom knows. It's fine with her."
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back to *pea*ality
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Nov 14, 2015 17:13:20 GMT
Relationship first! Reasons, not rules! What are you trying to accomplish? Strict adherence to rules, or an understanding of how to live responsibly and make smart decisions? I never snuck out (impossibly small house), but I most definitely played the shell game with which house it was where all the friends were spending the night. I gave my parents false information ALL THE TIME about where I was and what I was doing. I was a very good kid and in all of that time of "sneaking around" nothing harmful or illegal ever happened. I had to sneak around to do regular teenager stuff because I was given NO freedoms. I just wanted to be a kid, with my friends! There are reasons you don't sneak out your bedroom window and hang out running through town during the night hours. But could they all hang out in your basement playing video games until 5:00 AM? They're teenagers. They like staying up all night hanging out. Can you give them an outlet to do that safely? I don't know. That's just one example, but I feel for teenagers. I remember being one and having a jailer/inmate relationship with my parents. And we wonder why teenagers think we've forgotten what it is to be youthful. Can you hold off on the list of endless chores and connect with your son? Major heart to heart. Listen first. Listen hard. Relationship is the key. I promise. Why do you presume the OP doesn't have a good relationship with her son? I think that is grossly unfair.
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craftykitten
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Jun 26, 2014 7:39:32 GMT
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Post by craftykitten on Nov 14, 2015 17:20:07 GMT
Relationship first! Reasons, not rules! What are you trying to accomplish? Strict adherence to rules, or an understanding of how to live responsibly and make smart decisions? I never snuck out (impossibly small house), but I most definitely played the shell game with which house it was where all the friends were spending the night. I gave my parents false information ALL THE TIME about where I was and what I was doing. I was a very good kid and in all of that time of "sneaking around" nothing harmful or illegal ever happened. I had to sneak around to do regular teenager stuff because I was given NO freedoms. I just wanted to be a kid, with my friends! There are reasons you don't sneak out your bedroom window and hang out running through town during the night hours. But could they all hang out in your basement playing video games until 5:00 AM? They're teenagers. They like staying up all night hanging out. Can you give them an outlet to do that safely? I don't know. That's just one example, but I feel for teenagers. I remember being one and having a jailer/inmate relationship with my parents. And we wonder why teenagers think we've forgotten what it is to be youthful. Can you hold off on the list of endless chores and connect with your son? Major heart to heart. Listen first. Listen hard. Relationship is the key. I promise. Why do you presume the OP doesn't have a good relationship with her son? I think that is grossly unfair. I might be wrong, but I didn't read that as J u l e e presuming the OP doesn't have a good relationship with her son. I read it as - yes, you could just go straight in with extreme punishment but it might be a good idea to talk to him and find out why this is going on (I'm guessing it's not the first time).
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J u l e e
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Posts: 6,531
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Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Nov 14, 2015 17:21:15 GMT
Relationship first! Reasons, not rules! What are you trying to accomplish? Strict adherence to rules, or an understanding of how to live responsibly and make smart decisions? I never snuck out (impossibly small house), but I most definitely played the shell game with which house it was where all the friends were spending the night. I gave my parents false information ALL THE TIME about where I was and what I was doing. I was a very good kid and in all of that time of "sneaking around" nothing harmful or illegal ever happened. I had to sneak around to do regular teenager stuff because I was given NO freedoms. I just wanted to be a kid, with my friends! There are reasons you don't sneak out your bedroom window and hang out running through town during the night hours. But could they all hang out in your basement playing video games until 5:00 AM? They're teenagers. They like staying up all night hanging out. Can you give them an outlet to do that safely? I don't know. That's just one example, but I feel for teenagers. I remember being one and having a jailer/inmate relationship with my parents. And we wonder why teenagers think we've forgotten what it is to be youthful. Can you hold off on the list of endless chores and connect with your son? Major heart to heart. Listen first. Listen hard. Relationship is the key. I promise. Why do you presume the OP doesn't have a good relationship with her son? I think that is grossly unfair. I didn't say anything at all about THEIR relationship. I meant relationship in the general sense of relating. Talking and listening in this situation instead of knee-jerking punishments. Furthering relationship. As a general noun. What people do when they are in relationship with each other. Not assuming anything about the state of their personal relationship. (Struggling with explaining what I mean by 'relationship', but thank you for asking. I'm glad to clarify.)
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Post by gale w on Nov 14, 2015 17:24:39 GMT
Relationship first! Reasons, not rules! What are you trying to accomplish? Strict adherence to rules, or an understanding of how to live responsibly and make smart decisions? I never snuck out (impossibly small house), but I most definitely played the shell game with which house it was where all the friends were spending the night. I gave my parents false information ALL THE TIME about where I was and what I was doing. I was a very good kid and in all of that time of "sneaking around" nothing harmful or illegal ever happened. I had to sneak around to do regular teenager stuff because I was given NO freedoms. I just wanted to be a kid, with my friends!There are reasons you don't sneak out your bedroom window and hang out running through town during the night hours. But could they all hang out in your basement playing video games until 5:00 AM? They're teenagers. They like staying up all night hanging out. Can you give them an outlet to do that safely? I don't know. That's just one example, but I feel for teenagers. I remember being one and having a jailer/inmate relationship with my parents. And we wonder why teenagers think we've forgotten what it is to be youthful. Can you hold off on the list of endless chores and connect with your son? Major heart to heart. Listen first. Listen hard. Relationship is the key. I promise. That's you. On the other hand, while I didn't sneak out, I did lie about where I went a lot of the time and I did drugs and spent nights with my boyfriend, and drank. So just because you didn't do all these things doesn't mean everyone else doesn't/didn't. And I was a "good kid" too. Good in school and good at not getting caught.
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Post by padresfan619 on Nov 14, 2015 17:25:08 GMT
After I got caught sneaking out my dad gave me a business card with the number of a local bail bondsman told me nothing good happens after midnight, and if I needed help I could call King Stahlman. I knew he wasn't serious, but it was enough to keep open lines of communication. My parents didn't care if I went out, they just wanted to know where I would be.
I think resorting to sleeping on his floor so you can know exactly where he is at all hours of the night is pretty ridiculous. What if he has to pee or get a glass of water in the middle of the night? Would you follow him around? (OP I know you never suggested doing this, but someone else did and it made my eyes go wide.)
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suzastampin
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Jun 28, 2014 14:32:59 GMT
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Post by suzastampin on Nov 14, 2015 17:32:21 GMT
I don't understand the "everybody does it" thoughts. No, not everybody does it. I never did because I knew I got more freedom by respecting my parents. My daughter tried it just once. She was very surprised when I stepped out from behind a tree in our front yard and said "going some place?" The look on her face was priceless and 20+ years later she still can't figure out how I knew what she was up to. Somebody mentioned above that the waiting for the punishment kills them. I agree and would make him sweat it for a while, but I'm a mean mom like that. A lot can happen to teens these days, and as they say, nothing good happens after midnight. Having them roaming the streets without the parents knowing can be very dangerous. So glad he arrived home safely.
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back to *pea*ality
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Nov 14, 2015 17:32:51 GMT
Why do you presume the OP doesn't have a good relationship with her son? I think that is grossly unfair. I didn't say anything at all about THEIR relationship. I meant relationship in the general sense of relating. Talking and listening in this situation instead of knee-jerking punishments. Furthering relationship. As a general noun. What people do when they are in relationship with each other. Not assuming anything about the state of their personal relationship. (Struggling with explaining what I mean by 'relationship', but thank you for asking. I'm glad to clarify.) I think some of the responses (not just yours Julee) presume that the OP and her son don't talk, that she doesn't let his friends into her home - giving a reason, no a justification for his actions. For all we know, his friends are welcome at her home. If the kids want to get together to drink, smoke weed, have sex they are not looking for a place to hang out where parents are home. He has violated her trust. The most important things we can teach our children include honesty, trust and respect. He's 14 and the time they have together before he leaves the nest is short. Your advice is to talk. Mine is to take action. No one is right, no one is wrong. We all just do the best that we can.
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Post by kernriver on Nov 14, 2015 17:33:55 GMT
I'd be waiting with a drug test in my hand.
I'm sorry to see he's 14. You might have a tough few years ahead.
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imsirius
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Call it as I see it.
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Jul 12, 2014 19:59:28 GMT
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Post by imsirius on Nov 14, 2015 17:37:20 GMT
And he said: "My mom knows. It's fine with her." My 14 year old son's friend spent the night last night. They phoned from school and I told them that I would need to speak to friend's mom so have her call me. Friend came home with DS and I hadn't heard from mom Friend said "It's fine with her, I spoke to her at school and gave her your cell number. She said she'd call after work." She DID call after work....after freaking out that her kid wasn't home!! Apparently she said to come HOME first and she would call me to make sure it was ok. When she got home and he wasn't, she knew he'd just heard what he wanted to hear. She and I had a long discussion and the boys in future, will have to go through us to make any plans after school. (Friend lives half hour in the other direction of town.) She said he could stay and I was pretty clear to them both last night that it was unacceptable for them to do that to their mothers. What I'm saying is that the kid may think "She's fine with it" but she really isn't. To address OP: I would be livid. Did he climb out a window or sneak out the front or back door? I think your punishments are appropriate and I would be making sure that the boy had no privileges for a week or more. I don't care if we did it as kids,(I didn't) it wasn't right then either. I try to teach my kid better than what I did anyway.
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Deleted
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May 13, 2024 18:35:53 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2015 18:07:44 GMT
I'd be waiting with a drug test in my hand. I'm sorry to see he's 14. You might have a tough few years ahead. Do you keep a stash of drug tests just in case you have to stand waiting with one in your hand?
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Post by gar on Nov 14, 2015 18:38:35 GMT
I didn't say anything at all about THEIR relationship. I meant relationship in the general sense of relating. Talking and listening in this situation instead of knee-jerking punishments. Furthering relationship. As a general noun. What people do when they are in relationship with each other. Not assuming anything about the state of their personal relationship. (Struggling with explaining what I mean by 'relationship', but thank you for asking. I'm glad to clarify.) I think some of the responses (not just yours Julee) presume that the OP and her son don't talk, that she doesn't let his friends into her home - giving a reason, no a justification for his actions. For all we know, his friends are welcome at her home. If the kids want to get together to drink, smoke weed, have sex they are not looking for a place to hang out where parents are home. He has violated her trust. The most important things we can teach our children include honesty, trust and respect. He's 14 and the time they have together before he leaves the nest is short. Your advice is to talk. Mine is to take action. No one is right, no one is wrong. We all just do the best that we can. I don't hear anyone assuming they don't have a relationship. I think Julee was saying don't over react at the risk of damaging the relationship irrevocably.
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back to *pea*ality
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Nov 14, 2015 18:41:33 GMT
I'd be waiting with a drug test in my hand. I'm sorry to see he's 14. You might have a tough few years ahead. Do you keep a stash of drug tests just in case you have to stand waiting with one in your hand? We have a 24 CVS pharmacy, I can get my hands on one in about 15 minutes. Thankfully, my days of dealing with teenagers is done. Sadly, we know of someone who had a child who lied, stole from them, who is a heroin addict. They have gone through their savings and now have taken a large amount from their retirement to get him back into rehab. As I said, we all do the best we can.
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Post by Belia on Nov 14, 2015 18:52:16 GMT
First of all, I am so glad DS is home safe.
My kids are still young, so I'm still a ways away from the teenage years, but 14 seems VERY young to be sneaking out of the house and staying out ALL NIGHT. I would be freaking out and beyond pissed.
At the same time, I hear what Julee is saying about keeping the relationship primary and the lines of communication open.
I guess here's what I would do:
1. Drug test ASAP. Like, send DH to Walgreens NOW. 2. He would not be going to sleep, but would be spending the day on the worst chores I could think of. I love the idea of scrubbing the baseboards. Hard labor outside- raking leaves, mowing the lawn, weeding the garden. No naps. 3. Phone and computer would be gone. Indefinitely at this point. Once I calmed down and the dust settled, I would I would figure out how long it would be for. 4. Once the dust settled in a day or two, DS and DH and I would have a heart-to-heart. I would tell him how scared I was when I discovered he was gone, then how disappointed I was once I realized that he had chosen to leave. Then I would LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN.
But seriously, 14 seems REALLY young for this.
P.S. I know the perception these days seems to be that "OMG my child NEEDS to have a phone! I can't be out-of-contact with him! What if something were to happen?" I think that is BULL. SHIT. None of us had cell phones growing up, and we somehow did just fine. The idea that we need to have 100% accessibility with our kids is a myth. If there were an issue at school where your kid needed to contact you, then let's face it, any kid around him would have a phone that he could borrow. or, surprise surprise, the school has phones that he could borrow, too. Anywhere else where he might need to contact you?? He would figure it out. Just like we did when we were kids. PLEASE don't buy into the myth that OMG MY KID CAN'T BE WITHOUT HIS PHONE IF HE'S OUT OF MY SIGHT! Especially when YOUR kid has used his phone irresponsibly.
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