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Post by kernriver on Nov 14, 2015 18:54:26 GMT
Lainey...I would have sent my husband out for one. They had all night.
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Deleted
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May 13, 2024 6:18:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2015 19:10:10 GMT
Lainey...I would have sent my husband out for one. They had all night. I didn't realise they were so readily available. I actually think it's very sad that everyone would drug test their kid cos he snuck out one night.
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Post by librarylady on Nov 14, 2015 19:15:48 GMT
Lainey...I would have sent my husband out for one. They had all night. I didn't realise they were so readily available. I actually think it's very sad that everyone would drug test their kid cos he snuck out one night. We don't know that he only sneaked out once--he was caught once. He may have done this dozens of times and only now was found out. I'd drug test. You can do the "pee" test or better--get a hair sample as that tells you if it has been ongoing. Doing this at age 14 = many long nights ahead for this family.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,610
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Nov 14, 2015 19:16:34 GMT
And he said: "My mom knows. It's fine with her." My 14 year old son's friend spent the night last night. They phoned from school and I told them that I would need to speak to friend's mom so have her call me. Friend came home with DS and I hadn't heard from mom Friend said "It's fine with her, I spoke to her at school and gave her your cell number. She said she'd call after work." She DID call after work....after freaking out that her kid wasn't home!! Apparently she said to come HOME first and she would call me to make sure it was ok. When she got home and he wasn't, she knew he'd just heard what he wanted to hear. She and I had a long discussion and the boys in future, will have to go through us to make any plans after school. (Friend lives half hour in the other direction of town.) She said he could stay and I was pretty clear to them both last night that it was unacceptable for them to do that to their mothers. What I'm saying is that the kid may think "She's fine with it" but she really isn't. To address OP: I would be livid. Did he climb out a window or sneak out the front or back door? I think your punishments are appropriate and I would be making sure that the boy had no privileges for a week or more. I don't care if we did it as kids,(I didn't) it wasn't right then either. I try to teach my kid better than what I did anyway. Long sigh. I know his mom. I'm pretty sure she's fine with it.
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tduby1
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,979
Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on Nov 14, 2015 19:21:44 GMT
I think midnight would be a reasonable curfew for 14 year old. He's not home at 5:30. That's not good. If my kid asked to stay out I'd tell him to sleep over. If I knew the friend and knew in advance I'd stay up and let him stay out or pick him up. Sneaking out implies it's not an approved activity /friend and the behavior is not acceptable. Not everyone sneaks out and it isn't " funny". A midnight curfew for a 14 year old? That just seems to be a recipe for disaster to me.
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Post by christine58 on Nov 14, 2015 19:22:18 GMT
I think midnight would be a reasonable curfew for 14 year old. He's not home at 5:30. That's not good. If my kid asked to stay out I'd tell him to sleep over. If I knew the friend and knew in advance I'd stay up and let him stay out or pick him up. Sneaking out implies it's not an approved activity /friend and the behavior is not acceptable. Not everyone sneaks out and it isn't " funny". A midnight curfew for a 14 year old? That just seems to be a recipe for disaster to me. Absolutely
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Nov 14, 2015 19:24:41 GMT
I think midnight would be a reasonable curfew for 14 year old. He's not home at 5:30. That's not good. If my kid asked to stay out I'd tell him to sleep over. If I knew the friend and knew in advance I'd stay up and let him stay out or pick him up. Sneaking out implies it's not an approved activity /friend and the behavior is not acceptable. Not everyone sneaks out and it isn't " funny". A midnight curfew for a 14 year old? That just seems to be a recipe for disaster to me. Why? That's pretty much the norm around here... if 14 year olds even have curfews (most parents don't deal with that, it's case by case).
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Post by maryland on Nov 14, 2015 19:25:16 GMT
First of all, I am so glad DS is home safe. My kids are still young, so I'm still a ways away from the teenage years, but 14 seems VERY young to be sneaking out of the house and staying out ALL NIGHT. I would be freaking out and beyond pissed. At the same time, I hear what Julee is saying about keeping the relationship primary and the lines of communication open. I guess here's what I would do: 1. Drug test ASAP. Like, send DH to Walgreens NOW. 2. He would not be going to sleep, but would be spending the day on the worst chores I could think of. I love the idea of scrubbing the baseboards. Hard labor outside- raking leaves, mowing the lawn, weeding the garden. No naps. 3. Phone and computer would be gone. Indefinitely at this point. Once I calmed down and the dust settled, I would I would figure out how long it would be for. 4. Once the dust settled in a day or two, DS and DH and I would have a heart-to-heart. I would tell him how scared I was when I discovered he was gone, then how disappointed I was once I realized that he had chosen to leave. Then I would LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN. But seriously, 14 seems REALLY young for this. P.S. I know the perception these days seems to be that "OMG my child NEEDS to have a phone! I can't be out-of-contact with him! What i f something were to happen?" I think that is BULL. SHIT. None of us had cell phones growing up, and we somehow did just fine. The idea that we need to have 100% accessibility with our kids is a myth. If there were an issue at school where your kid needed to contact you, then let's face it, any kid around him would have a phone that he could borrow. or, surprise surprise, the school has phones that he could borrow, too. Anywhere else where he might need to contact you?? He would figure it out. Just like we did when we were kids. PLEASE don't buy into the myth that OMG MY KID CAN'T BE WITHOUT HIS PHONE IF HE'S OUT OF MY SIGHT! Especially when YOUR kid has used his phone irresponsibly.That's how I feel about cell phones. We told our kids that their phones (only our 16 and 18 yr. olds have phones, our 12 yr. old does not have one but has an ipod) are a luxury and if they let their grades slip, gave us attitude, became moody teens, etc. they could be taken away. And if we had to tighten our budget, phones would be the first to go.
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Post by Drew on Nov 14, 2015 19:29:21 GMT
It's disturbing how many parents would do a drug test after the first sneak out. I think that says more about the parents. I would do a test only if there were signs of drug use. Sneaking out doesn't mean he was shooting up. Jeez, give him a chance to learn a lesson with some consequences more appropriate to the infraction.
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Post by maryland on Nov 14, 2015 19:34:28 GMT
It's disturbing how many parents would do a drug test after the first sneak out. I think that says more about the parents. I would do a test only if there were signs of drug use. Sneaking out doesn't mean he was shooting up. Jeez, give him a chance to learn a lesson with some consequences more appropriate to the infraction. Most all the boys and girls my 16 yr. old hangs out with are on the sports teams at school or are involved in other activities. They school does random drug tests on athletes, members of clubs, students who want to drive to school, etc. so we joke that we don't have to random drug test because the school is always doing it! When my oldest was in 7th grade and on the track team, she was random tested 4 times!
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Nov 14, 2015 19:34:46 GMT
It's disturbing how many parents would do a drug test after the first sneak out. I think that says more about the parents. I would do a test only if there were signs of drug use. Sneaking out doesn't mean he was shooting up. Jeez, give him a chance to learn a lesson with some consequences more appropriate to the infraction. I've never heard of such militant parenting until this board. It really makes me wonder why they feel they have to rule with fear. Especially after a probable first violation. Drug test? Really? Without cause? Really?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 13, 2024 6:18:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2015 19:35:05 GMT
It's disturbing how many parents would do a drug test after the first sneak out. I think that says more about the parents. I would do a test only if there were signs of drug use. Sneaking out doesn't mean he was shooting up. Jeez, give him a chance to learn a lesson with some consequences more appropriate to the infraction. It's scary how quickly some have equated sneaking out to drug addiction.
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Post by Drew on Nov 14, 2015 19:36:04 GMT
It's also disturbing how many people think the OP is in for years of misery with this child because he snuck out. Dang. Kid's been pegged as a hooligan because he broke a rule. I realize it's a major rule but it doesn't mean he's headed on a dismal path of crime.
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tduby1
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,979
Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on Nov 14, 2015 19:36:29 GMT
A midnight curfew for a 14 year old? That just seems to be a recipe for disaster to me. Why? That's pretty much the norm around here... if 14 year olds even have curfews (most parents don't deal with that, it's case by case). Technically my kids don't even have a curfew. I guess we deal case by case, too. As in last weekend all 3 kids wanted to go to a late showing for a movie (13, 15, 16) along with their 19 year old cousin, so they did stay out till almost 1. 19 year old cousin had to drive because 16 DSL isn't legally allowed to drive after 10. Unless kids around here are walking, (and nothing is within walking distance) the only legal way for a 14 year old to be out after 10 is to be with a much older person, and to me that is a recipe for disaster unless that person is very, very trusted. my niece is one of the few people that fall into that category. For the most part, 99% percent of the time my kids are home well before midnight. none of the kids we know have a midnight curfew... Even in DS16 circle of friends. It seems extreme for a 14 year old unless it's a specific occasion (ie: movie, school activity, etc)
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Post by Drew on Nov 14, 2015 19:45:37 GMT
Ack. Regarding the cell phone mini lecture...everyone knows that kids don't *need* cell phones, that really doesn't need to be pointed out. Cell phones in my children's hands helps them and ME feel more at peace during their day. Yeah yeah, we didn't have them when we were kids but we also didn't have bike helmets. They're a safety measure. There's even a thread where a kid used her phone to call her mom during an asthma attack.
So I'd probably take away junior's phone at night but no way would I make him and me deal without contact during his normal day to day activities because he snuck out.
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back to *pea*ality
Pearl Clutcher
Not my circus, not my monkeys ~refugee pea #59
Posts: 3,149
Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Nov 14, 2015 20:14:17 GMT
I live in a nice Philadelphia suburban community. I know my neighbor's. It's a place where through school, church, community a lot of people are connected. I cannot tell you how all of a sudden, within a few years that the drug of choice has gone from weed to heroin. It is such a pervasive problem and good kids that you wouldn't associate with drug use are hooked - and dying. So maybe my point of reference is based on where I live.
Most recent in the news is a huge sexting scandal of middle school students. The young lady gave her boyfriend nude pictures of herself. They broke up. He shared those pictures with others and launched a cyber bulling attack to destroy her. Middle school. The district attorney is prosecuting.
I think a lot of parents give their children a level of autonomy they aren't ready to handle.
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Post by gar on Nov 14, 2015 20:15:43 GMT
Lainey...I would have sent my husband out for one. They had all night. I didn't realise they were so readily available. I actually think it's very sad that everyone would drug test their kid cos he snuck out one night. @bumpsy, can we even buy drug tests like that in the UK? My girls are older now but it's not something that ever crossed my mind!! And yeah, militant parenting.....no kidding!! I know we all do our best, parent as we see fit but some of the responses here leave me open mouthed!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 13, 2024 6:18:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2015 20:30:14 GMT
I didn't realise they were so readily available. I actually think it's very sad that everyone would drug test their kid cos he snuck out one night. @bumpsy, can we even buy drug tests like that in the UK? My girls are older now but it's not something that ever crossed my mind!! And yeah, militant parenting.....no kidding!! I know we all do our best, parent as we see fit but some of the responses here leave me open mouthed! You can order them on the internet, I can't find a b&m store that sells them though. Telling your kid you'll have to wait 3-5 days for delivery doesn't sound quite as dramatic as standing at the door with it in your hand does it??
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Post by crazy4scraps on Nov 14, 2015 21:11:37 GMT
Lainey...I would have sent my husband out for one. They had all night. I didn't realise they were so readily available. I actually think it's very sad that everyone would drug test their kid cos he snuck out one night. Here in the States they have OTC drug tests for sale in every drug store. I think the reason people are getting so freaked about it is because there seem to be more and more stories in the paper about kids using designer drugs, bath salts, heroin or whatever and ODing on it the first time they try it and winding up dead. I can recall at least three local stories fairly recently where kids 17 or younger died of drug overdoses in this way, and it's particularly a big problem in the suburbs. It's not like it was back when my older siblings were in high school in the '70's with kids smoking weed or drinking (not that I agree with that either, especially for underage kids). They're using stronger, more dangerous stuff the first time out and they have no clue what they're getting themselves into. That would be my fear. One of my siblings died of an accidental drug overdose at 21 so I would be really worried about my kid getting messed up with drugs. I also disagree with the "kids will be kids" mentality. Not all kids sneak out and not all kids do that kind of stuff. They just don't. Especially 14 year olds. That kind of thing was never even on my radar at that age. I would absolutely want to nip that kind of behavior in the bud before it turned into a much bigger problem.
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Post by SabrinaM on Nov 14, 2015 22:14:42 GMT
My daughter will be 14 next week. I can't imagine her thinking that sneaking out is a great idea. If she did, we'd have to have a serious discussion about trust and how long that takes to regain once it's lost.
There are a few on this thread that are appalled by the reactions of some. One of those Peas has all but said that she was raised by nannies and hands-off parents. There is a middle ground between not giving a shit about your kid and hovering over them 24/7.
Most of us with children do our best to have some semblance of a balance between the two. Being a parent is HARD and not for the faint of heart. We don't always get every parenting decision right every time.
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blue tulip
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 25, 2014 20:53:57 GMT
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Post by blue tulip on Nov 14, 2015 22:28:22 GMT
we're pretty relaxed parents. but if you break my trust by sneaking out of the house, i'm not going to trust that you didn't also drink or possibly do drugs. I will test my boys if this happens, sure. I want them to know that their trust bank with me can go broke pretty easy if you do something as bad as sneaking out. if you haven't done any drugs, cool, and now you know you'd better not start because I will find out. if you have, hopefully we've caught you early in the habit and not when you are well and truly addicted. drug use is so insidious and can be invisible for a long time.
the OP's son already admitted to being at a party and drinking. it's certainly not out of the question that drugs accompanied that at this party.
it's nice to think that maybe they are sneaking out to play video games or hang around innocently at a late hour. it's also just as likely they are up to bad things that could mess up their life pretty seriously. no judgement from me for the parents who come down swift and harsh on sneaking out.
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Nov 14, 2015 23:02:10 GMT
Of course I didn't mean that. Every child is different. I was simply relaying my own experience. It's the reason I think the way I do about this topic. All parents are different too, with different experiences and opinions that help shape their parenting styles. And we're all doing what we think is right and best, and making plenty of mistakes as we go, I'm sure. It doesn't hurt to look at a different way of doing things though. That's how this conversation started. To be clear, I would be WILD if my daughter (who is 13) snuck out of her bed and was gone all night - with fear and anger. Or was at a party drinking alcohol. At 14! It would also be highly uncharacteristic of her though. We have different challenges with her. We each know our own kids and their history. My comment was more about my approach in general. How I've tried to keep relationship above all else as I parent her and limit the arbitrary rules of living under my roof. I hope to help her think of reasons why some things are just a plain bad idea and help her balance what she wants to do as a teenager with responsible decision making. Maybe it wasn't so helpful in this exact situation with this exact child and his exact history of behavior. ETA - not sure where Gale's quote went. Copied below: That's you. On the other hand, while I didn't sneak out, I did lie about where I went a lot of the time and I did drugs and spent nights with my boyfriend, and drank. So just because you didn't do all these things doesn't mean everyone else doesn't/didn't. And I was a "good kid" too. Good in school and good at not getting caught.
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Post by Zee on Nov 14, 2015 23:08:10 GMT
It's also disturbing how many people think the OP is in for years of misery with this child because he snuck out. Dang. Kid's been pegged as a hooligan because he broke a rule. I realize it's a major rule but it doesn't mean he's headed on a dismal path of crime. Really. I didn't sneak out, because I was more creative than that with our "musical houses" games we all played, but honestly...staying out all night with your friends *might* equal drug use and years of headaches and heartaches, but I know I never caused all that grief and I wasn't out shooting up heroin. I probably was drinking many of those times, to be completely honest, but all my girlfriends and I kept close tabs on each other as far as whether we were OK, no boys were getting more handsy than we wanted them to, etc. We usually weren't running the streets and would have settled at someone's house by 0530 but I do remember a few times hiding in places like apartment complex laundry rooms until it was light enough to head home. LOL. We had so much fun. I know my kids weren't sneaking out. They seem to be a lot more like their dad than their mom. And if one of them did stay out all night, I wouldn't go straight for the drug test unless I saw a pattern emerging. I don't get the need to be so completely over the top with taking off the door, cutting off hair for drug tests, etc. unless the kid is truly troublesome.
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Post by anxiousmom on Nov 14, 2015 23:11:20 GMT
I gotta say, I have mixed feelings about this.
One the one hand, I would want to beat the hell out of the kid in question. I was *that* kid, I was not one to sneak out of the house, but lying about where I spent the night was routine. Parties, boyfriends, drugs, alcohol, the whole nine yards. So I absolutely know what is possible when a kid is sneaking around and based on my experience, it scares the shit out of me. I was SO lucky that nothing bad ever happened to me.
On the other hand though, I tend to be one of those parents who is pretty laid back. I *want* hopping mad and in my mind I am so mad that it makes an impression on the kid in question, but it is rare that it actually happens. I do have a kid that has been problematic. He hasn't slipped out in the night (probably the only thing he hasn't done,) but he has had parties when people weren't home and all kinds of other trying antics that caused a significant portion of the grey hair I have now.
The thing is, teens don't always talk. We can say have a heart to heart talk, really listen to what they are trying to tell you-but in reality most of the time you aren't going to get that Hallmark moment. You are going to get the 'what-the-fuck-ever' look, a few grunts and a whole lot of stubborn silence. And the more you lecture, the less they listen.
I don't have the answers. I figure we all do the best we can with what we have. I tend to be a hard labor mom assigning chores that are the worst in the world. The best chores are the ones that require physical labor at 8 am on the Saturday morning after a party. Sucks giant balls to have to bend over and weed when it is almost 90 degrees and 100% humidity with a hangover.
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eleezybeth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,784
Jun 28, 2014 20:42:01 GMT
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Post by eleezybeth on Nov 14, 2015 23:21:52 GMT
Drugs are illegal. Even weed for a 14 year old! If my kid - at 14!- was sneaking out for something fun he felt that he couldn't trust me enough to ask me about then of course it should be ruled out that he was doing something illegal. Accuse me of being militants and I can accuse you for being a uninvolved parent living with your head in the sand. You are the parent noted above who wouldn't care where her kid is or who they are with.
I work as a drug and alcohol counselor. I know what I hear from my 19- 64 year old addicts. You wanna know how they were introduced to drugs at an early age? Oh and about how "harmless" marijuana is on a child's brain?? Like a PP said- know your own frame of reference before you go slinging dirt and name calling. I also don't have to have any conservation that ruins my relationship with my child. Mostly because starting early they have heard the trust conversations enough to know that if you to the crime you do the time.
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Post by femalebusiness on Nov 14, 2015 23:43:20 GMT
I know it's not funny and I know that there has to be consequences for him sneaking out but....shades of my youth! I snuck out many times each summer and had such fun. We hung out at the all night coffee shop, went to parties and just generally enjoyed being free. My best friend came to my house pried open my window, crawled into my bedroom and woke me up one night when I fell asleep.
Honestly, if he is an otherwise good kid it is kind of a right of passage.
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Post by cropduster on Nov 14, 2015 23:52:40 GMT
My turn. I want to say first that we all do the best we can when raising our kids. And sometimes our best is never good enough no matter what. Our county is also experiencing a heroin epidemic. The young people I know that have become addicted came from good homes. They had good upbringing and good parents.
Two friends of my DS used to hang out with this kid that had very little supervision and managed to get both of these friends in trouble with the law. Of course these boys could have made better choices and it was ultimately their fault. But the bad choice that they both made was keeping this kid as a "friend". One boy is up on possession of marijuana charges. This "friend" got him connected with a dealer. The other friend got a DUI, but was able to get his charges brought down to minor in possession since it was his first offense. This "friend" supplied the alcohol. Luckily my DS got a bad vibe from this kid and could not stand being around him.
One thing I instilled in my DS is to let us know where he is or if he is running late out of common courtesy. We always try to treat each other with respect, but that respect is earned. Your DS would have to take some time to earn my trust and respect after being out all night, especially at 14. I know it's a fine balance in allowing some freedom and keeping boundaries. I think at this age, especially, you and DH have to make your boundaries explicitly clear and then give some freedom once trust and respect has been shown.
Hang in there mom!
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tduby1
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,979
Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on Nov 15, 2015 0:24:57 GMT
I said midnight as an upper limit for a curfew. My kids are early to bed types, so if they wanted to be out late, midnight would be a "treat", not the norm. Being out until 5:30 would not fly nor would it be expected. Ok, that I'm on board with and pretty much like I said up thread is how we operate. The more I thought about it, the more I realized even in town, where things are walking distance, the city curfew is 10:00 for kids out in foot. and until either 17 or 18 the state curfew for driving is 10:00. So like I said before for a 14 year old to be out after 10 he would have to be with an adult or older teenager.
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Post by RiverIsis on Nov 15, 2015 0:42:35 GMT
I live in a nice Philadelphia suburban community. I know my neighbor's. It's a place where through school, church, community a lot of people are connected. I cannot tell you how all of a sudden, within a few years that the drug of choice has gone from weed to heroin. It is such a pervasive problem and good kids that you wouldn't associate with drug use are hooked - and dying. So maybe my point of reference is based on where I live. Most recent in the news is a huge sexting scandal of middle school students. The young lady gave her boyfriend nude pictures of herself. They broke up. He shared those pictures with others and launched a cyber bulling attack to destroy her. Middle school. The district attorney is prosecuting. I think a lot of parents give their children a level of autonomy they aren't ready to handle. The connection isn't actually normally weed to heroin. The connection is more to do with the free prescription availability of Vicodin which led to opiate addiction and then the withdrawal of those prescriptions and the need for the opiate and thus seeking heroin. Have a look at what you know about the Heroin users and if they were injured and probably prescribed Vicodin a few years previous.
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Post by bc2ca on Nov 15, 2015 0:58:40 GMT
But seriously, 14 seems REALLY young for this. Actually, 13-14 is prime time for this kind of behavior. My parents had many middle of the night/early morning phone calls from the police who had picked up my brother starting at age 13. The first one was an absolute shock, with my dad insisting the police had the wrong kid because his was in bed. It isn't always harmless fun when kids are sneaking out and mom23sweetpeas has to figure out what is going to work with her family. With my brother, most of his friends went on to have successful lives and he has dealt with homelessness, drug & alcohol addiction and other not so great things. For both my kids, their dad & I being disappointed in them is big currency. They are more upset if we are disappointed in them than if they make us angry. If your kid doesn't care about disappointing you, then rules are going to get broken and punishment endured/lived through and the cycle will repeat. Going right to drug testing does seem extreme to me, but I've spent time in delinquency court and Juvenile Hall in the last few weeks and charges related to substance abuse is a big reason kids are there. The big question is what are you going to do with the information if you get a positive test? San Diego County has youth curfews, so if you are hanging around after 10-11 pm (varies by city) and under 18 there is a good chance your parents will be called to pick you up at the police station.
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