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Post by jeremysgirl on Nov 16, 2015 0:23:59 GMT
It's also disturbing how many people think the OP is in for years of misery with this child because he snuck out. Dang. Kid's been pegged as a hooligan because he broke a rule. I realize it's a major rule but it doesn't mean he's headed on a dismal path of crime. I'm barely halfway through posts and I have to agree. I can't wait to finish the thread, I'm already wondering what circumstances cause some RefuPeas to have certain extreme perspectives. Sneaking out means drugs, for example. FWIW, as the mother of two teenage boys, 13 and 14 were ages I had thoughts they might sneak out. My high school senior has a car, a bank account with tiny amount of money from his job direct deposited and a debit card. No need to sneak. Absolutely anything bad he wanted to do, he could figure out how to do without me knowing until it was done. Yes I monitor, and no we don't consider him an adult. But others would and give him privleges we wouldn't. He knows it, and his rules. The fifteen year old has a driving permit and sees future freedom. He's not about to jeopardize it by sneaking. But at 13-14, sneaking out to a friends in the neighborhood or a meetup at the park is high adventure. Absolutely. I can picture almost all of my sons friends considering this. It would have been an adventure, not a trip to the dark side. The kids I know that did it, have not turned into addicts, or even users. I'm surprised my youngest and his group didn't do it. Probably because the moms cover all sections of our neighborhood and group text about everything. They know one of us would catch on. My oldest and his buddies did a stupid thing at fourteen. They didn't get caught, but they eventually came clean. It was a tough parenting moment for all us parents. I admit I cried and felt loss. But also kept perspective. four years later I'm kind of happy he experienced it. He knows you can screw up and recover. I'm not sure he would have gotten that message if we'd punished him to the extreme lengths some of you are suggesting. I couldn't agree more. I had my pivotal parenting moment when DD was 13. She snuck from school and went shoplifting. I let the judical system work on her. She had fines to pay and classes to attend and community service. I made her see a therapist. I let her know my trust was broken. Watching her jump through the justice system hoops was eye opening. I keep the line of communication open with her and sympathized with her as she had to complete her program. And at 15 now, I have a completely different kid. My daughter is trustworthy, hard working, and just all around a great kid. She learned her lesson and I was there for her while she did. I don't think one infraction means that you are in for a world of parenting hell as your kids get older. I think it's possible to be both strict and serious and still maintain your relationship with your kid.
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LeaP
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,939
Location: Los Angeles, CA where 405 meets 101
Jun 26, 2014 23:17:22 GMT
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Post by LeaP on Nov 16, 2015 1:23:08 GMT
I couldn't agree more. I had my pivotal parenting moment when DD was 13. She snuck from school and went shoplifting. I let the judicial system work on her. She had fines to pay and classes to attend and community service. I made her see a therapist. I let her know my trust was broken. Watching her jump through the justice system hoops was eye opening. I keep the line of communication open with her and sympathized with her as she had to complete her program. And at 15 now, I have a completely different kid. My daughter is trustworthy, hard working, and just all around a great kid. She learned her lesson and I was there for her while she did. I don't think one infraction means that you are in for a world of parenting hell as your kids get older. I think it's possible to be both strict and serious and still maintain your relationship with your kid. I love this, I am a big believer in redemption.
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knotlazy
Full Member
Posts: 275
Jun 26, 2014 18:00:51 GMT
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Post by knotlazy on Nov 16, 2015 1:43:25 GMT
I've read about 1/2 way through the comments and I'd like to speak to the drug testing.
My DS never sneaked out. He was always home by midnight curfew. But I felt in the pit of my stomach that something was going on, something was not right. He was 16.
One day, I discovered one tablet in a plastic package in his room when putting away clothes. I googled it and it was Exstacy (that is not spelled correctly...I can't think how to spell it right now!). We confronted him about it and he gave us a tale about "holding it for a friend". We didn't believe him but wanted to. We talked about how dangerous that drug and all drugs were and about choosing better friends, etc...and didn't do anything else at that time.
But a week or so later, I pulled him out of class unexpected to him...and took him to a clinic to be drug tested. He had to pee in a cup with a nurse watching. This was before any drug stores had easy access drug tests. I then took him to his dr. for a physical. I told him that I was worried and how much we loved him and I wanted him to know that drugs of any kind were not acceptable in our house because his little sister was watching everything he did and I would not allow him to set a bad example for her.
The drug tests came back ok (Ex would have already been out of his system if he had taken any before I found it in his room). I suggested we get some counseling to help me be a better parent and he agreed. We went separately for 5-6 appointments and it helped both of us...he had a place to vent his frustrations without being angry at home...and I learned a better way to set limits and how to deal with teen issues better.
In the end...what I want the OP to know about drug testing....he told me after he became an adult that the one drug testing event was the best thing that ever happened. He still went to parties where pot and other drugs were passed around, but he told his friends that his parents were drug testing him and they understood and let it go....so he had "an out" so to speak. It still took another year or so before he really grew a brain and realized he needed to be an adult...he was 18 his entire senior year of high school and that was another whole issue.
But he is now 32 and has been such a joy since he graduated high school....hard worker, good husband, great father. And he has told me that the time I found that one tablet, then pulled him out of school to drug test him probably saved him from going farther down a bad road.
OP, I hope there is calm in your house tonight & that your son grows a brain soon. Hang in there. And I highly recommend getting some counseling advice to set appropriate limits and punishments. Good luck!
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Post by 950nancy on Nov 16, 2015 3:19:12 GMT
I've read about 1/2 way through the comments and I'd like to speak to the drug testing. My DS never sneaked out. He was always home by midnight curfew. But I felt in the pit of my stomach that something was going on, something was not right. He was 16. One day, I discovered one tablet in a plastic package in his room when putting away clothes. I googled it and it was Exstacy (that is not spelled correctly...I can't think how to spell it right now!). We confronted him about it and he gave us a tale about "holding it for a friend". We didn't believe him but wanted to. We talked about how dangerous that drug and all drugs were and about choosing better friends, etc...and didn't do anything else at that time. But a week or so later, I pulled him out of class unexpected to him...and took him to a clinic to be drug tested. He had to pee in a cup with a nurse watching. This was before any drug stores had easy access drug tests. I then took him to his dr. for a physical. I told him that I was worried and how much we loved him and I wanted him to know that drugs of any kind were not acceptable in our house because his little sister was watching everything he did and I would not allow him to set a bad example for her. The drug tests came back ok (Ex would have already been out of his system if he had taken any before I found it in his room). I suggested we get some counseling to help me be a better parent and he agreed. We went separately for 5-6 appointments and it helped both of us...he had a place to vent his frustrations without being angry at home...and I learned a better way to set limits and how to deal with teen issues better. In the end...what I want the OP to know about drug testing....he told me after he became an adult that the one drug testing event was the best thing that ever happened. He still went to parties where pot and other drugs were passed around, but he told his friends that his parents were drug testing him and they understood and let it go....so he had "an out" so to speak. It still took another year or so before he really grew a brain and realized he needed to be an adult...he was 18 his entire senior year of high school and that was another whole issue. But he is now 32 and has been such a joy since he graduated high school....hard worker, good husband, great father. And he has told me that the time I found that one tablet, then pulled him out of school to drug test him probably saved him from going farther down a bad road. OP, I hope there is calm in your house tonight & that your son grows a brain soon. Hang in there. And I highly recommend getting some counseling advice to set appropriate limits and punishments. Good luck! I love how this worked out. I know if I had done this to one of my boys it would have scared them enough to at least think before taking drugs. It also gave your son a good out for the future if he wanted to choose this. There isn't a one size fits all solution to this issue for sure. We are all raising different kids in different situations. I will say that if I thought my kid was taking drugs there would have been a test. We didn't do that the time we caught my kid sneaking out. It was once (that we caught) and for the next six months I woke up at two or three every night and checked on him. He knew I was doing it and he knew he had caused my sleeplessness. I was a really good kid (not perfect but close) but just because I didn't drink, have sex, smoke or take drugs doesn't mean I didn't think that any kid of mine would be like that. We shouldn't beat each other up because we disagree on how to raise a kid. We should just ask ourselves if we are trying to be the best parent we can be. That should be good.
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Post by christine58 on Nov 16, 2015 11:01:27 GMT
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Post by cindyupnorth on Nov 17, 2015 1:00:58 GMT
I don't think I like this OP at all!! She posts one thing, and then ya never hear from her again, til she posts another thread, says one thing, and never comes back! she's a one post stand.
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Post by gar on Nov 17, 2015 2:40:57 GMT
I don't think I like this OP at all!! She posts one thing, and then ya never hear from her again, til she posts another thread, says one thing, and never comes back! she's a one post stand. ?? She posted 4 times on page 1 and I 'm sure there were more.....
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Post by Zee on Nov 17, 2015 2:47:12 GMT
She already said he was grounded indefinitely and they'd reevaluate in a couple weeks. What more is needed? Geesh
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