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Post by anonrefugee on Nov 15, 2015 1:08:48 GMT
It's also disturbing how many people think the OP is in for years of misery with this child because he snuck out. Dang. Kid's been pegged as a hooligan because he broke a rule. I realize it's a major rule but it doesn't mean he's headed on a dismal path of crime. I'm barely halfway through posts and I have to agree. I can't wait to finish the thread, I'm already wondering what circumstances cause some RefuPeas to have certain extreme perspectives. Sneaking out means drugs, for example. FWIW, as the mother of two teenage boys, 13 and 14 were ages I had thoughts they might sneak out. My high school senior has a car, a bank account with tiny amount of money from his job direct deposited and a debit card. No need to sneak. Absolutely anything bad he wanted to do, he could figure out how to do without me knowing until it was done. Yes I monitor, and no we don't consider him an adult. But others would and give him privleges we wouldn't. He knows it, and his rules. The fifteen year old has a driving permit and sees future freedom. He's not about to jeopardize it by sneaking. But at 13-14, sneaking out to a friends in the neighborhood or a meetup at the park is high adventure. Absolutely. I can picture almost all of my sons friends considering this. It would have been an adventure, not a trip to the dark side. The kids I know that did it, have not turned into addicts, or even users. I'm surprised my youngest and his group didn't do it. Probably because the moms cover all sections of our neighborhood and group text about everything. They know one of us would catch on. My oldest and his buddies did a stupid thing at fourteen. They didn't get caught, but they eventually came clean. It was a tough parenting moment for all us parents. I admit I cried and felt loss. But also kept perspective. four years later I'm kind of happy he experienced it. He knows you can screw up and recover. I'm not sure he would have gotten that message if we'd punished him to the extreme lengths some of you are suggesting.
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back to *pea*ality
Pearl Clutcher
Not my circus, not my monkeys ~refugee pea #59
Posts: 3,149
Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Nov 15, 2015 1:15:46 GMT
I live in a nice Philadelphia suburban community. I know my neighbor's. It's a place where through school, church, community a lot of people are connected. I cannot tell you how all of a sudden, within a few years that the drug of choice has gone from weed to heroin. It is such a pervasive problem and good kids that you wouldn't associate with drug use are hooked - and dying. So maybe my point of reference is based on where I live. Most recent in the news is a huge sexting scandal of middle school students. The young lady gave her boyfriend nude pictures of herself. They broke up. He shared those pictures with others and launched a cyber bulling attack to destroy her. Middle school. The district attorney is prosecuting. I think a lot of parents give their children a level of autonomy they aren't ready to handle. The connection isn't actually normally weed to heroin. The connection is more to do with the free prescription availability of Vicodin which led to opiate addiction and then the withdrawal of those prescriptions and the need for the opiate and thus seeking heroin. Have a look at what you know about the Heroin users and if they were injured and probably prescribed Vicodin a few years previous. The southern part of our County has mushroom farms. They employ hard working Mexican immigrants. With them came the Mexican drug cartel that has been operating here. It used to be cocaine but now its heroin. From what I have read heroin is cheap. A year ago our DA along with Federal law enforcement did a bust of 40+. They launder the money through landscaping businesses. We have a devastating heroin problem here and it has nothing to do with what you posted. Please at least give me the benefit of the doubt that I know what is going on in my own community. Edited to add - re read your post. I guess there might be a progression from weed to other opiate drugs but ultimately they are on the road to addiction. I have EMS and LEO friends and they all carry narcan on duty as a life saving measure because this is so widespread.
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Post by kernriver on Nov 15, 2015 1:45:29 GMT
kernriver Avatar 6 hours ago kernriver said: Lainey...I would have sent my husband out for one. They had all night.
I didn't realise they were so readily available. I actually think it's very sad that everyone would drug test their kid cos he snuck out one night
lainey...I think it's really sad that you wouldn't drug test. It's parents like you that get the shit knocked out of them because they have turned a blind eye to very questionable behavior. They let event after event go by and suddenly BAM...the call from the police, or worse.
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johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,682
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Nov 15, 2015 2:00:01 GMT
Something I haven't seen mentioned yet...... does your DS play any sports or other extracurricular? They usually have some sort of behavior agreement they have to abide by and drinking at a party would certainly be against it. It only takes one person talking for it to get back to the school and your son to be benched. If he's anything like my son that would really be hitting him where it hurts, probably moreso than any punishment I could dish out (not saying I would tell the school myself, at least not for a first offense, but the risk of it getting out might be fear enough).
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Post by gar on Nov 15, 2015 2:01:53 GMT
] lainey...I think it's really sad that you wouldn't drug test. It's parents like you that get the shit knocked out of them because they have turned a blind eye to very questionable behavior. They let event after event go by and suddenly BAM...the call from the police, or worse. Really??? Sweeping generalisation at all?? For a start, as @bumpsy said they're not available in every drug store like they are in the US and it isn't a 'go to' thing here as many seem to say it is in the US. I have raised 2 daughters and I know of no one who has drug tested their child.
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Post by kelbel827 on Nov 15, 2015 2:07:22 GMT
I would pretend nothing happened. My son would have been so guilt-ridden, he would have told me before I would say anything.
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Post by anonrefugee on Nov 15, 2015 2:08:38 GMT
Something I haven't seen mentioned yet...... does your DS play any sports or other extracurricular? They usually have some sort of behavior agreement they have to abide by and drinking at a party would certainly be against it. It only takes one person talking for it to get back to the school and your son to be benched. If he's anything like my son that would really be hitting him where it hurts, probably moreso than any punishment I could dish out (not saying I would tell the school myself, at least not for a first offense, but the risk of it getting out might be fear enough). School sport and extra curricular drug testing was on a previous page- and a great point! In addition to his sport my oldest has a job that could drug test. Great incentive- if brain engaged to remember it. A neighbor kid being scouted by colleges got caught. Devastating, but he learned he wasn't invincible and straightened up. Reality, he was probably always a D2 player not D1 like he hoped...but we'll never know.
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Post by anxiousmom on Nov 15, 2015 2:08:55 GMT
kernriver Avatar 6 hours ago kernriver said: Lainey...I would have sent my husband out for one. They had all night. I didn't realise they were so readily available. I actually think it's very sad that everyone would drug test their kid cos he snuck out one night lainey...I think it's really sad that you wouldn't drug test. It's parents like you that get the shit knocked out of them because they have turned a blind eye to very questionable behavior. They let event after event go by and suddenly BAM...the call from the police, or worse. I have made no secret about my past drug and alcohol use. I was one of those teenagers who experimented a lot-well into college. But I wouldn't drug test my kid either-not for sneaking out. It wouldn't be because I was turning a blind eye to the behavior, but more because I have a pretty good idea what that 'questionable behavior' looks like and would proceed accordingly. As a parent who wouldn't even have considered a drug test for sneaking out, it makes me a little frustrated to think that my entirety of parenting is judged and assumptions made based on a disagreement about how this type of situation would be handled. Personally, there is little that my kids get away with. Back in the dark ages I could fool my mom with Visine drops, but my kids? Not going to happen. Too much been there, done that for me not to recognize the signs. Don't assume that a drug test is the end all to be all and will catch all the 'questionable behavior.'
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Post by anonrefugee on Nov 15, 2015 2:20:36 GMT
Sexting and drug use are taking place in the daylight hours... Those of us not seeing the sneaking out connection aren't turning a blind eye. We might be more realistic.
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Post by spitfiregirl on Nov 15, 2015 2:23:37 GMT
You are suppose to have the tracking device on his phone without him knowing ..... Then you go and bust him in front of all his friends. I say give him back his phone, it's a wealth of information.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Nov 15, 2015 2:24:14 GMT
I asked my DS if he ever snuck out of the house on a weekend to go to a party or something. He said he would have been in Grade 9 and he didn't have a lot of friends at the new school at this point. He said it would never have occurred to him to do that (he knows I would drive him anyway if he wanted to go somewhere late and I would have picked him up). When I mentioned there were women who wanted to drug test the child, he looked at me with the "really???" look. (He is 20 now so not so far removed from being a teenager). Maybe there is a cultural difference between Canada and the US and the UK and US? I didn't know you could be OTC drug tests. I thought you had to go to the lab to have it done. Shows what I know!
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Post by Belia on Nov 15, 2015 4:39:18 GMT
I don't understand why so many of you think drug testing your kid is such a horrible, invasive thing.
OK, now, I will 100% fess up- I've never done it! My kids are way too young. But what is it... having your kid pee on a stick? Pulling out one of his hairs? Why is that considered such a huge, invasive thing? I think it sends an incredibly strong message, even if you don't really think your kid has been using. But it smacks your kid in the face that there are very real dangers out there, you will take his safety seriously, and if he blows your trust somehow, he has really BLOWN YOUR TRUST.
I would never advocate drug testing a kid who has given you no reason for concern. But sneaking out and staying out all night? That's a reason in my book.
Like a PP said... we don't know if this is the first time DS has snuck out. All we know is that this is the first time he's gotten caught.
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Post by RiverIsis on Nov 15, 2015 4:51:07 GMT
I don't understand why so many of you think drug testing your kid is such a horrible, invasive thing. OK, now, I will 100% fess up- I've never done it! My kids are way too young. But what is it... having your kid pee on a stick? Pulling out one of his hairs? Why is that considered such a huge, invasive thing? I think it sends an incredibly strong message, even if you don't really think your kid has been using. But it smacks your kid in the face that there are very real dangers out there, you will take his safety seriously, and if he blows your trust somehow, he has really BLOWN YOUR TRUST. I would never advocate drug testing a kid who has given you no reason for concern. But sneaking out and staying out all night? That's a reason in my book. Like a PP said... we don't know if this is the first time DS has snuck out. All we know is that this is the first time he's gotten caught. It's a trust thing. The child broke trust by sneaking out. He then is attempting to re-establish trust by saying what they did. At this point as a parent you have to decide if you are going to punish the truth or believe he is telling a lie. I think it is a very individual thing and depends on family dynamics. Personally it wouldn't be my first round reaction. Maybe if the sneaking out happened again. Also what are people planning to do with the drug test? Turn him in? Turn in his supplier/dealer? Change schools? or just punish at home and keep it secret?
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Post by anonrefugee on Nov 15, 2015 5:09:41 GMT
Belia who said it was invasive? If you think that's what your need to get your kids attention, by all means do it. But please don't insult those of us with other viewpoints and different parenting relationships by insisting it's necessary in all cases. ETA Bella, I retread and see you acknowledge some kids might not need it- sorry for including you in the mandatory testing group!
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Post by Belia on Nov 15, 2015 5:13:20 GMT
It's a trust thing. The child broke trust by sneaking out. He then is attempting to re-establish trust by saying what they did. At this point as a parent you have to decide if you are going to punish the truth or believe he is telling a lie. I think it is a very individual thing and depends on family dynamics. Personally it wouldn't be my first round reaction. Maybe if the sneaking out happened again. Also what are people planning to do with the drug test? Turn him in? Turn in his supplier/dealer? Change schools? or just punish at home and keep it secret? OK, It's been a while since I read the OP, but he DIDN'T fess up, right? He got busted. Big difference. I guess I don't think I'd put too much faith into the tale he told at 5:30 am to his pissed-off mom in the doorway. And if the drug test came back positive, I would take him to the local psych hospital for a substance abuse assessment by a professional. Depending on the results they have a variety of programs, from an evening psychoeducational group that meets for 6-8 weeks for kids who are just experimenting... all the way to full-time inpatient treatment.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Nov 15, 2015 5:13:53 GMT
If my 14 yr old was sneaking out at night, and not getting home til after 5am...ah. HELLo!!! there is definitely something going on. There would be way more then grounding. I can't believe the OP is sort of taking this so lightly?? heads would roll at our house. 14 yrs old??!! and yea, I would be doing a drug testing, and talking about alcohol and sex. Because a 14 yr old just doesn't sneak out all night for just a drinking party with the guys.
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Post by Belia on Nov 15, 2015 5:17:26 GMT
Never mind- Just saw Anon's ETA.
Love all of the differing opinions you can find in the pod!
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Post by anonrefugee on Nov 15, 2015 5:25:17 GMT
Never mind- Just saw Anon's ETA. Love all of the differing opinions you can find in the pod! I just had a weird quote moment. Was quoting you to let you know I edited and it flipped to your edited version. I didn't know that could happen. Must have been timing. I love all opinions too!
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Post by RiverIsis on Nov 15, 2015 5:25:58 GMT
It's a trust thing. The child broke trust by sneaking out. He then is attempting to re-establish trust by saying what they did. At this point as a parent you have to decide if you are going to punish the truth or believe he is telling a lie. I think it is a very individual thing and depends on family dynamics. Personally it wouldn't be my first round reaction. Maybe if the sneaking out happened again. Also what are people planning to do with the drug test? Turn him in? Turn in his supplier/dealer? Change schools? or just punish at home and keep it secret? OK, It's been a while since I read the OP, but he DIDN'T fess up, right? He got busted. Big difference. I guess I don't think I'd put too much faith into the tale he told at 5:30 am to his pissed-off mom in the doorway. And if the drug test came back positive, I would take him to the local psych hospital for a substance abuse assessment by a professional. Depending on the results they have a variety of programs, from an evening psychoeducational group that meets for 6-8 weeks for kids who are just experimenting... all the way to full-time inpatient treatment. He could have spun a tall tale. Swore up and down no drinking and just hanging out gaming etc. He could have gotten moody and not said anything etc. He fessed up and sung like a canary. There are kids that run away and go missing for less. We have choices as parents whether to be confrontational or find out why our children do things and discuss better ways of handling things. I guess I'm lucky as hell that I have always been able to talk about consequences and outcomes with my kids. Goodness knows they weren't perfect. Anyone else thinking about the movie "American Beauty" and the next door neighbor kid getting into drugs because of how overbearing the dad was?
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Post by 950nancy on Nov 15, 2015 5:33:44 GMT
Ack. Regarding the cell phone mini lecture...everyone knows that kids don't *need* cell phones, that really doesn't need to be pointed out. Cell phones in my children's hands helps them and ME feel more at peace during their day. Yeah yeah, we didn't have them when we were kids but we also didn't have bike helmets. They're a safety measure. There's even a thread where a kid used her phone to call her mom during an asthma attack. So I'd probably take away junior's phone at night but no way would I make him and me deal without contact during his normal day to day activities because he snuck out. I always found that if a kid had to have a phone for an emergency, one of the friends always had one. Losing phone privileges is one of the most effective punishments for kids IMO. They love those things. We only took it away once for a 17 year old that snuck out. He also lost his car keys for a month.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 13, 2024 4:59:49 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2015 8:43:44 GMT
Parents like me? Well that's interesting seeing I don't have kids, but thanks for blaming me for all the crappy teenagers in the world. If you want to think the absolute worst of your children and go to extremes to assert your total authority go right ahead. I actually find your post stunningly arrogant, any parent, no matter how strict or militant they are can have the shit knocked out of them.
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Post by AussieMeg on Nov 15, 2015 9:17:54 GMT
lainey...I think it's really sad that you wouldn't drug test. It's parents like you that get the shit knocked out of them because they have turned a blind eye to very questionable behavior. They let event after event go by and suddenly BAM...the call from the police, or worse. Well I had better start saving for bail money for my future delinquents because it is highly unlikely I'd ever drug test my kids. Firstly, I don't think that drugs tests are as readily available here as they seem to be in the US. And secondly, I wouldn't be prepared to jump from "sneaking out" to "drug addict" in the course of one night. Having said that, if one of my kids snuck out all night at the age of 14 I would be Pea livid, and there would definitely be quite severe consequences. And like others have mentioned, I would let them sweat it out for a while before doling out the punishment. When my DD was brought drunk home from a party when she was 15, the mum who brought her home told me that DD was so scared about my reaction that she was hyperventilating all the way home! I just sent her straight to bed then in the morning told her that I was going to ring her dad and tell him what had happened. Again, she was so freaked out about me telling her dad that she started hyperventilating. That was almost punishment enough. In the end she was grounded for a month which meant missing her BFF's birthday the next day.
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Post by kernriver on Nov 15, 2015 18:23:45 GMT
Ok, we are going to have To agree to disagree. But if I knew then what I know now, I would go ape fucking shit on my kids ass.
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Post by chlerbie on Nov 15, 2015 20:48:37 GMT
I so wouldn't automatically make a leap to drug use either. I used to be out with my friends and we never did ANYTHING like that. We hung out with other kids, laughed a lot and just sort of gloried in being out.
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moodyblue
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,177
Location: Western Illinois
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Nov 15, 2015 21:02:48 GMT
So he did the dishes ( an everyday chore) and went out for breakfast with Grandma. What was the punishment, again? You're assuming that that's all that happened. Several people have stated that they have and would string out the consequences because the waiting to find out is actually like another punishment. Just because she didn't produce a drug test for him to take or have him breaking up rocks as soon as he got home doesn't mean there aren't going to be major consequences for him. Implying otherwise seems to be very judgmental.
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,419
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Nov 15, 2015 21:08:55 GMT
I wish the OP would come back and tell us how things played out the rest of the day/weekend.
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Post by bearmom on Nov 15, 2015 21:33:56 GMT
See I wouldn't take away the phone, my dd would have to have her phone on her at all times (answer when called) because then I could see exactly where she was.
I wouldn't jump to drug testing either.
I wonder about the accuracy of an over the counter drug test also. I'm sure that are limited in what they can test for and I'm sure a lot of the designer drugs aren't on there. Hospitals can't even drug test for most of them.
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Post by **Angie** on Nov 15, 2015 21:44:20 GMT
Wow. I would be sitting on his bed waiting for him. Do NOT lose your temper. Let him explain himself. Let him talk himself into a corner. Then tell him you're going to think things over and close the door calmly and walk out. Be brave! Be strong! I hope your son is okay!! p.s. then you're going to have to come back here with what happened and we'll help you come up with a consequence based on his excuse. There is the outside possibility it may have been really good. This! The peas are the best at figuring out punishments.
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Post by maryland on Nov 15, 2015 22:03:46 GMT
Something I haven't seen mentioned yet...... does your DS play any sports or other extracurricular? They usually have some sort of behavior agreement they have to abide by and drinking at a party would certainly be against it. It only takes one person talking for it to get back to the school and your son to be benched. If he's anything like my son that would really be hitting him where it hurts, probably moreso than any punishment I could dish out (not saying I would tell the school myself, at least not for a first offense, but the risk of it getting out might be fear enough). Our school has that too. If they get caught drinking, or doing something else they shouldn't be doing, they can get kicked off the team. Some boys and girls avoid parties because it would be so easy for someone to take a picture of them with a beer can and they could get into some trouble. No experience with this personally with my kids, but your post made me think of that.
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Post by Kelpea on Nov 15, 2015 23:48:48 GMT
OP, sounds like you did just the right thing. Well done.
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