NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
Jun 25, 2014 21:53:42 GMT
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Dec 2, 2015 8:32:03 GMT
For me this isn't black and white. I'm big on not sharing others secrets that they confide in me.
Like for example say my friend was telling me personal issues maybe involving her sex life in her marriage (this did happen actually) I wouldn't say a word to DH. Another example is say a friend was having family issues with kids, medical stuff, parents ect. I wouldn't say anything.
Now let's say my friend tells me she is having a affair on her DH. That would really bother me because of my past with my Ex. I would have a huge issue remaining friends with her and I would feel like I'm in limbo with keeping the info and then struggling to be a good friend to her by still being her friend after her shitty choice. I'm would tell DH over something that like because he would be able to just tell something was up.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Dec 2, 2015 9:14:40 GMT
My BFF tells her husband everything I tell her, or I assume she does. As long as she doesn't tell her kids anything I have said we are good! Nothing I tell my BFF is a total shock to her. Some stuff she tells me like conversations she has with her mother and father, only endear her more to me. It's the way she tells the stories that make them so much fun. Her mother doesn't like this political party, she doesn't like the way they believe in this or that or the other. Our political philosophies and our personal philosophies never clash. We go through withdrawl from not seeing or at least talking to one another one the phone at least once a day. When I work I put her on speaker phone and drive home for 40 minutes talking to her. We talk a lot then. Then get together 2x week. Then I am busy the rest of the week and she has taken on a new project, too. We still tell one another everything...
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M in Carolina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,128
Jun 29, 2014 12:11:41 GMT
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Post by M in Carolina on Dec 2, 2015 9:41:04 GMT
I really liked what Burning Feather said. My dh is my most important friend. My friends know that dh and I usually tell each other everything--well, not *every-single-word-or-thought-that-crosses-our-minds* but if my best friend was having a hard time, I would tell him. He would want to know. I don't have to go into *details* about issues. I talk to my MIL a lot. I know she and FIL tell each other things, and we've discussed stuff I don't want her to share. It's not anything I think she would share because it's medical stuff-MIL has the same bladder disease I have and also went through a hysterectomy, etc. My evil SIL *has* said stuff to her dh that really bothered dh and me. Once when I was shopping with SIL, I found this racy lingerie set. SIL later told me that she described it *in detail* with my BIL. So every time I look at him, I imagine him imagining me wearing that lingerie. She's also asked questions about dh and really has issues with boundaries. When BIL/SIL were first married, they had issues. SIL set me up so BIL thought I told SIL's mom what was going on. I had no idea and didn't care. SIL even begged me to call her mom "because she was lonely". I figured if SIL was so desperate she set me up like that and BIL had to blame me, then it wasn't worth arguing my innocence. SIL blabs everything, so BIL will figure out sooner rather than later that I'm not the gossiper. BIL is *extremely* private. His mom used to gossip and everyone knew everything BIL was doing, etc. SIL and another girl were blaming me for gossiping when we were in college. There were girls falling all over BIL (idiots) and wanted to know who he was dating, blah, blah. I tried to stay away from them, kept telling them I couldn't care less. I once hid in the bathroom to stay away from one girl. SIL was telling this info but blaming me, I guess. I have no idea who told BIL. All I know is I didn't tell--because I couldn't have given a rat's ass what he did. These instances have influenced how I act. I don't tell other people's business just to tell something--especially if it's something that they'd get pleasure out of telling people themselves--we all know that relative that steals people's thunder by blabbing big news on Facebook, etc. "Sherry's getting married" before Sherry's boyfriend has even stood back up from proposing. My mom also didn't tell my dad about the money she spend and how shopping was "our little secret". That really coloured the way dh and I deal with money. If someone asked me NOT to tell my dh something, I would agree if it was something that I could keep in confidence. I wouldn't agree to keep a confidence about someone cheating, breaking the law, or being in a dangerous situation (leaving an abusive husband without letting my dh and leo friends to ensure she's safe) I can tell dh that I'm upset about something a friend is going through (marital issue) without telling confidential details (they're having problems in bed, pornography, health, etc.) It does hurt to think that you can trust someone, and you find out that they told intimate secrets. I would be very upset if my MIL who assured me that she wouldn't tell FIL certain things broke her promise. I don't have a good relationship with him, and I don't want him to use what I've said as ammunition against me.
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Post by monklady123 on Dec 2, 2015 10:53:55 GMT
This has been an interesting thread, especially the number of people who say they tell their dh everything.
For me personally, well maybe I'm influenced by the years I've spent as a hospital chaplain working under those HIPAA laws. But I definitely keep all sorts of things from dh. I've found neighbors in the hospital and never told dh because that would be a violation of HIPAA. Same with church members -- never told our pastor. (if it had been serious I would have asked the person if I could share with the pastor...)
As a substitute teacher I learn some amazing things about people from our neighborhood, or teachers (I sub only in one school, the one 3 blocks from my house, so most of the kids are from right around here). I don't tell dh all of that. For example, the mother of two kids there had a bi-polar breakdown and ended up being arrested and taken to the hospital. A friend of mine who works at the school rushed to tell her dd who then told my dd who of course asked me about it. I knew about it by then and I discussed it with my dd and told her not to spread it around, because I don't think my friend should have told her dd. I did not share this with my dh because it's none of his business and this family is very private and isn't going around the neighborhood telling people.
I learn all sorts of things while sitting in the teachers' lounge, some of it just total gossip. I do not pass that on to dh. I will tell him specific things such as when the principal goes on a rampage around the building over some event (like the time some kids in one particular grade had a food fight in the cafeteria) because that's not personal information about someone.
I know NEVER to tell anything to that friend who works at this school, if I don't want someone else to know it because she talks too much. We're very good friends and I really enjoy her company, but she talks too much. lol.
It's also interesting to me to consider a dh as a "best friend". My dh is not my best friend, he's my life-partner. For me that's a different thing. I would never keep a secret from him if it had some impact on our family, and I can't think of any significant life event about me that he doesn't know. But there's no reason he needs to know everyone else's life events either.
And for OP, I'd be upset also if I'd said specifically "do not tell anyone", because I consider a dh to be "anyone".
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Nicole in TX
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,951
Jun 26, 2014 2:00:21 GMT
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Post by Nicole in TX on Dec 2, 2015 11:19:33 GMT
I always assume someone is going to tell their spouse information.
Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't, it depends on the information.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,151
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Dec 2, 2015 11:48:15 GMT
I don't tell secrets plain and simple no exceptions. People tend to tell me things that they don't want shared and I just never share. I'd be mortified to be in your friends shoes - where you now know she told someone something you didn't want shared....so I just don't do it.
Seems like it's a serious enough breach in trust to you that you might want to step back, distance yourself from her and see how you feel with a little time and distance. I guess for me it would depend on exactly what was told - meaning I might get over it if it wasn't too big a secret vs she was sharing my marital problems or something.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Dec 2, 2015 12:08:12 GMT
I am really disappointed to read how many peas are piss poor friends who can't keep a secret. I would be FURIOUS if my friend betrayed me like that. And that's exactly what it is... a betrayal. I don't give a shit that someone is married. I tell you a secret, I expect you to keep it to yourself. If you don't, you're a shit friend and will probably be dropped out of my life because you cannot be trusted. No, I don't tell my DH everything. He doesn't need to know my friend's secrets. They are secrets for a reason. Betraying a friend because you can't keep a secret from your husband is a shitty reason to betray someone. But then again, there is never a good reason for betrayal. You tell me a secret and I'll take it to the grave unless you tell me that a certain person is in on it as well.
This thread has really pissed me off first thing in the morning because one thing I despise is disloyalty and betrayal. That's a trust you can never get back.
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Post by moveablefeast on Dec 2, 2015 13:26:32 GMT
I was just thinking about how this plays out. For example, I have a sweet friend who is going through a nasty divorce. Her husband is being really vindictive and there are factors that are really genuinely unfair and unreasonable at play here. There are parts of the story I've shared with DH because they were not shared in confidence.
But there was a detail she shared with me recently that she could barely even whisper to me - she was telling me because she needed to be held up at that moment - I wouldn't breathe a word of that to DH. It isn't relevant to him, it has no bearing on his life, and it is private and sad and she told me because she needed me at that moment, not because she wanted anyone else to know.
I too would feel upset if some things that were shared between a dear friend and me were shared with a spouse too. I also don't keep things from my husband, but I don't see keeping a friend's confidence as keeping things from my husband unless it involves him directly.
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Post by gar on Dec 2, 2015 13:36:42 GMT
I was just thinking about how this plays out. For example, I have a sweet friend who is going through a nasty divorce. Her husband is being really vindictive and there are factors that are really genuinely unfair and unreasonable at play here. There are parts of the story I've shared with DH because they were not shared in confidence. But there was a detail she shared with me recently that she could barely even whisper to me - she was telling me because she needed to be held up at that moment - I wouldn't breathe a word of that to DH. It isn't relevant to him, it has no bearing on his life, and it is private and sad and she told me because she needed me at that moment, not because she wanted anyone else to know. I too would feel upset if some things that were shared between a dear friend and me were shared with a spouse too. I also don't keep things from my husband, but I don't see keeping a friend's confidence as keeping things from my husband unless it involves him directly. Exactly!
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raindancer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,095
Jun 26, 2014 20:10:29 GMT
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Post by raindancer on Dec 2, 2015 13:45:44 GMT
I don't understand the compulsion to tell spouses private information about other people. I am not "keeping secrets" from my husband if I don't tell him something my BFF tells me in confidence about her husband or family or whatever. If the secret were something that actually had relevance and impact on his/our life - that's a different story. I can't imagine having friends I couldn't trust to keep things private - or not being able to be trusted with information. I think if you do share it should be like Z*g Saif and should be full disclosure. I don't share confidences with my husband if asked to keep something to myself because of the above and because he wouldn't care anyway. The only time I told him was when an ex friend of mine confided her affair to me. I didn't ask to know and her husband and my dh had been friends for years. I told her flat out I had no plans to keep her secret and that it was not my responsibility to protect her bullshit.
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Post by maryland on Dec 2, 2015 13:53:43 GMT
This. If she had wanted her friend's Dh to know this information, she would have confided in him. Regardless of how close a person is to their spouse, if someone confides something and specifically asks you not to tell anyone, you are breaking their trust by telling anyone, including your spouse. ITA. That said, I do assume that if I tell someone something and they have a spouse, that they may tell that spouse. I would ask that question first. Of course that doesn't help you now and I'm sorry. I would feel SO betrayed. I mean if she was so visibly distracted, she could have said "Spiffie told me something in confidence that is upsetting. I don't want to betray her trust by telling you." Seriously. For those of you who don't keep secrets from your spouses, that's fine. I hope you are open and honest with your friends about that when they confide in you. Then it's fine. OP: I would just stay away from her for a while. I don't know how serious your secret is, but I'm guessing it's big since your friend was "visibly upset." I'm sure you need her, but you can't trust her right now. I hope you have a sister or someone else in your life with whom you can talk. Perhaps and hopefully you can be friends again, but I've been in your shoes and I have to say, I was so disappointed in that person, that our relationship changed. Good advice! I also had a friend betray me and it did change our relationship. I just avoided her for a while after that. Now we are getting close again, but I don't tell her anything that I wouldn't tell my husband, kids, her husband and kids, my parents/in-laws. It's hard because I can't just talk like I do with other friends, I have to watch everything I say. It's like I speak another language to her, and have to translate it in my mind before I say anything.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 1, 2024 16:56:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2015 14:04:10 GMT
I don't share nor encourage the sharing of highly private or intimate information with anyone but my spouse. Making myself feel better is not a good enough reason to burden anyone else. It's unfair to say "this burden is too heavy for me, so I'm going to give it to you, but you can't ever say it's too heavy for you."
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Post by gar on Dec 2, 2015 14:09:07 GMT
I don't share nor encourage the sharing of highly private or intimate information with anyone but my spouse. Making myself feel better is not a good enough reason to burden anyone else. It's unfair to say "this burden is too heavy for me, so I'm going to give it to you, but you can't ever say it's too heavy for you." I wouldn't consider someone else's burden to feel as heavy on my shoulders as it would on theirs alone so as a friend, I am willing to share that burden with them.
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Post by compwalla on Dec 2, 2015 14:15:08 GMT
For us, there is a circle of trust that is only me and DH. I usually tell him anything I need to talk about including things my friends have told me. He does the same with me. These are night time, in the bed before you go to sleep conversations and they don't go any farther than the two of us. It's not a dishy gossipy kind of thing but "My friend is having serious problems and I need to talk to someone about it but I can't talk to any of our other friends because she asked me not to." I trust him completely and I know he wouldn't either tell someone else about it nor would he let on that he knew in front of the person. But I also wouldn't ever tell my friend that I told my husband. No. The circle of trust is iron-clad.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 1, 2024 16:56:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2015 14:24:32 GMT
If specifically ask to keep it private, I would not tell my husband without permission. However, as an introvert, I am happy to share in my friends issues, but I do feel them differently (and more personally) than an extrovert would. My friends problems become my burden, too. I feel the weight of it. So most of my friends are fine with me talking with DH since that allows me the support to share their burdens. They trust him and know that he will not share with anyone else and even might have a good perspective.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Dec 2, 2015 14:26:37 GMT
I don't share nor encourage the sharing of highly private or intimate information with anyone but my spouse. Making myself feel better is not a good enough reason to burden anyone else. It's unfair to say "this burden is too heavy for me, so I'm going to give it to you, but you can't ever say it's too heavy for you." I wouldn't consider someone else's burden to feel as heavy on my shoulders as it would on theirs alone so as a friend, I am willing to share that burden with them. Exactly.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 1, 2024 16:56:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2015 14:30:57 GMT
I don't share nor encourage the sharing of highly private or intimate information with anyone but my spouse. Making myself feel better is not a good enough reason to burden anyone else. It's unfair to say "this burden is too heavy for me, so I'm going to give it to you, but you can't ever say it's too heavy for you." I wouldn't consider someone else's burden to feel as heavy on my shoulders as it would on theirs alone so as a friend, I am willing to share that burden with them. May that continue to always be the case for you
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Post by moveablefeast on Dec 2, 2015 14:33:50 GMT
I don't share nor encourage the sharing of highly private or intimate information with anyone but my spouse. Making myself feel better is not a good enough reason to burden anyone else. It's unfair to say "this burden is too heavy for me, so I'm going to give it to you, but you can't ever say it's too heavy for you." I am just wondering - can you give me a hypothetical example of a burden that belongs to someone else that might be too heavy for you to bear alongside them? I'm only asking because I've never felt that way.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 1, 2024 16:56:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2015 14:45:28 GMT
I don't share nor encourage the sharing of highly private or intimate information with anyone but my spouse. Making myself feel better is not a good enough reason to burden anyone else. It's unfair to say "this burden is too heavy for me, so I'm going to give it to you, but you can't ever say it's too heavy for you." I am just wondering - can you give me a hypothetical example of a burden that belongs to someone else that might be too heavy for you to bear alongside them? I'm only asking because I've never felt that way. By burdens in this thread, we're talking about keeping secrets, not supporting and helping friends cope with life's heavy loads. One secret that I would not appreciate being told and asked to hold in confidence is the admission of an affair.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Dec 2, 2015 14:49:44 GMT
I am just wondering - can you give me a hypothetical example of a burden that belongs to someone else that might be too heavy for you to bear alongside them? I'm only asking because I've never felt that way. By burdens in this thread, we're talking about keeping secrets, not supporting and helping friends cope with life's heavy loads. One secret that I would not appreciate being told and asked to hold in confidence is the admission of an affair. Sometimes helping friends cope with life's heavy loads involve being able to keep their secrets for them. There really is no difference in my mind, either you can help a friend through a rough time and keep their confidence or you can't. If you can't, I don't see how that's being a true and loyal friend.
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Post by padresfan619 on Dec 2, 2015 14:58:53 GMT
I've known my best friend for 10 years longer than I've known my spouse. She and I have been best friends since the 9th grade. I wouldn't break her trust for anything. The only way I could see myself sharing something she has told me in confidence is if she was in danger to herself or someone else was threatening her.
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Post by moveablefeast on Dec 2, 2015 15:31:22 GMT
I am just wondering - can you give me a hypothetical example of a burden that belongs to someone else that might be too heavy for you to bear alongside them? I'm only asking because I've never felt that way. By burdens in this thread, we're talking about keeping secrets, not supporting and helping friends cope with life's heavy loads. One secret that I would not appreciate being told and asked to hold in confidence is the admission of an affair. I appreciate the clarification but my question still applied. But as to the answer, I can see why a person would not want to hold that secret even of it was told in confidence. It's a confidence I've held before and know how awkward that is. But in my situation I did not feel it was my admission to make. It was not too heavy a burden, though it was an awful secret. So I can see how we would approach it differently.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Dec 2, 2015 15:43:06 GMT
I'm so sorry you were hurt!
If indeed she is telling the truth about her husband noticing she was upset, she should have contacted you and asked if it was ok if she shared the information with her husband.
If someone tells me something "in confidence" or even if they don't but it's personal information, I always ask "is this public" or "Is it ok if I share this with J?". There are times when I know confidential information due to my job (not HIPAA) that can be distressing, and it can be a very difficult position to be in, especially when it's someone you care about. Fortunately for me, J was also usually involved with the same situations, so I could talk things out with him.
The only time I would NOT keep someone's confidence would be if there was a safety or abuse type of situation.
You will be in my thoughts, not only for the hurt you received from your friend, but also for the situation that you confided in her. I hope you'll be able to find some peace for both.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Dec 2, 2015 15:43:31 GMT
I think there is a huge difference between "sharing everything" with your spouse, and breaking confidence.
If your DH needed to know why you were acting different. You could explain why without breaking your friends confidence.
In the OP's situation I would have said. XXX is going through a tough time and I am concerned for her. If he pressed the situation I would say she has asked me not to say anything to anyone. I would think that was reasonable to anyone.
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Post by kamper on Dec 2, 2015 15:59:05 GMT
If there's not a reason for him to know, then no, I wouldn't tell him. I don't see a need to tell DH every last thing that I see, hear, or do over the course of a day. I don't see it as "keeping secrets" or anything like that. I just see it as not needing or wanting to rehash every moment of time we spend away from one another. This.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 1, 2024 16:56:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2015 16:14:29 GMT
By burdens in this thread, we're talking about keeping secrets, not supporting and helping friends cope with life's heavy loads. One secret that I would not appreciate being told and asked to hold in confidence is the admission of an affair. I appreciate the clarification but my question still applied. But as to the answer, I can see why a person would not want to hold that secret even of it was told in confidence. It's a confidence I've held before and know how awkward that is. But in my situation I did not feel it was my admission to make. It was not too heavy a burden, though it was an awful secret. So I can see how we would approach it differently. I made the clarification so it would be clear that I didn't equate the two things, not that I thought you didn't understand them. I'm not sure we would approach the affair situation differently -- I wouldn't run to betray that confidence, but I would find it quite difficult to maintain that friendship depending on why the cheater chose to share it with me. I haven't had that happen in my life, fortunately. Can I ask why your friend told you?
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Post by moveablefeast on Dec 2, 2015 16:20:38 GMT
I appreciate the clarification but my question still applied. But as to the answer, I can see why a person would not want to hold that secret even of it was told in confidence. It's a confidence I've held before and know how awkward that is. But in my situation I did not feel it was my admission to make. It was not too heavy a burden, though it was an awful secret. So I can see how we would approach it differently. I made the clarification so it would be clear that I didn't equate the two things, not that I thought you didn't understand them. I'm not sure we would approach the affair situation differently -- I wouldn't run to betray that confidence, but I would find it quite difficult to maintain that friendship depending on why the cheater chose to share it with me. I haven't had that happen in my life, fortunately. Can I ask why your friend told you? She was hurting and miserable. She's still a very close friend and to my knowledge has never admitted her transgression but has also to my knowledge never done it again because it was genuinely miserable. She acted out of pain and only discovered more pain and needed to tell someone she trusted that she was in pain - I ended up being that person. ETA I responded with pissy and I do apologize.
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Post by Prenticekid on Dec 2, 2015 16:28:28 GMT
Spouses share. It is like a marital tenant that I always keep in mind if I feel like sharing. I assume anything I tell anyone goes straight to the DH, except where I know for a fact it doesn't, if that makes sense. My sister, for instance. She's the one person I know that will keep something in confidence if I ask her to. However, I also think that marriage creates a confidentiality too. I keep my DH's confidences, he keeps mine.
With that said, I have and will keep confidences for friends. I would not go to my DH with every little thing someone told me and I would not run to him with big stuff either. I think that shows a lack of character. Despite what I said above, human beings need and we should respect that need for private interaction. Sometimes, you need to tell someone something. In other words, while OP should have expected that it would go straight to the DH, her so-called friend should have respected her wish for a private confidence or disclosed that she had no intention of keeping that confidence.
If someone wants to tell me something in confidence, I disclose from the get go if I will or won't keep the confidence - or that I can't give the promise until I hear what the subject is. Funnily enough, I get confided in a lot even with the disclosure.
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Post by gmcwife1 on Dec 2, 2015 16:32:39 GMT
My friends (meaning any friend i have who would tell me somethibg in confidence) and I all have an agreement that we don't keep anything from our spouses and that 'don't tell anyone' doesn't mean our husbands. There have been times when a friend says 'don't tell anyone' and I don't tell dh because he wouldn't care about the topic at all and we have more interesting things to talk about and there are times a friend says 'don't tell anyone' and I do tell dh because it is something we would discuss. If a not as close friend tells me 'don't tell anyone' I sometimes ask if I can tell dh. I would say 100% of the time my friend says yes. If it is something so private then don't tell a friend. I can't imagine what I couldn't share with my dh. If my friend was telling me something about her breasts or period or something like that, I'd probably not tell dh about that. Not only would he not want to know but that seems very private. I'm so private that I can't even think of what any 'secrets' or 'confidences' would be that I would share with my friends or they would share with me.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 1, 2024 16:56:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2015 16:39:40 GMT
My husband is my best friend. I don't keep secrets from him. Expecting me to keep something from him, if you know me at all, would be silly on your part.
Secrets jeopardize relationships.
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