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Post by Outspoken on Dec 1, 2015 22:06:58 GMT
A friend of mine, who I consider to be very close with, told her DH something I told her in confidence. I asked her not to tell anyone. She claims that because she was "visibly" upset about what I was going through, she told him because he wanted to know why she was so distracted.
I will admit that I don't believe her. I told her my story on a Monday. Her DH works out of town M-Th and she doesn't see him until Friday morning.
I am hurt and angry. My son and her son have been best friends since 3rd grade (6 years) and we spend A LOT of time with this family, but now I don't want to be around them.
How do I get past this??
EDIT TO ADD THIS INFO
After reading all of your responses (thank you!) I wanted to add some info
it has NO impact on her or her family EXCEPT that my son is grounded so he can't interact with their son.
It it has to do with being a mom, being disappointed and hurt by your child and having to punish that child. His offense was embarrassing to me and my DH.
So, no abuse. No affairs. No terminal illness. No other parties involved except our family.
One of my biggest concerns is that her children will overhear she and her DH talking about it or that he will just outright tell the kid. As a mom, I needed another mom to lean on. We often talk about how difficult it is to raise children, how we worry about them in today's world and we pray for them. I felt like I could trust her no to tell when I asked her not to. But, when I confronted her, at least she didn't lie.
I hope this this helps some of you who may have been concerned it was infidelity related.
Thank you all again!
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Post by playingcinderella on Dec 1, 2015 22:09:24 GMT
Yes, bit I would have told you from the get go that I don't keep things from DH. I will not tell anyone else but he and I talk about everything.
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Post by Zee on Dec 1, 2015 22:11:53 GMT
I never tell someone something I'm not comfortable with their spouse knowing. I think it's pretty common to share those things with spouses and I never assume there will be total secrecy.
I have about two friends I'd trust with anything...can't say I care if their spouses know anything I'd spill.
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Post by melanell on Dec 1, 2015 22:13:30 GMT
If there's not a reason for him to know, then no, I wouldn't tell him. I don't see a need to tell DH every last thing that I see, hear, or do over the course of a day. I don't see it as "keeping secrets" or anything like that. I just see it as not needing or wanting to rehash every moment of time we spend away from one another.
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Post by bc2ca on Dec 1, 2015 22:16:53 GMT
Generally, DH and I share everything but if I'd been asked specifically not too, I would keep the confidence.
Hopefully the DH will keep the confidence too.
Going forward, you know that she is likely going to share with him and have to factor that into anything you share. How well do you know and trust him?
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Trixie Bender
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Post by Trixie Bender on Dec 1, 2015 22:17:00 GMT
I'm sorry that happened to you! I would be angry and hurt too.
To answer your question, if asked not to share information with anyone, I don't share it with anyone.
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craftykitten
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Jun 26, 2014 7:39:32 GMT
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Post by craftykitten on Dec 1, 2015 22:17:47 GMT
Unless specifically asked, then yes I share things with him - but we have quite separate friendship groups so it wouldn't impact like your situation.
If someone said, I'm going to tell you this but please don't tell your BF, I think I'd be uncomfortable with that.
Also I am rubbish at keeping secrets.
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akathy
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Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Dec 1, 2015 22:23:20 GMT
That would bother me too. I think I'd tell her it bothered me though so that she knows for sure you didn't want her to share it with her DH.
I have friends who'll keep your secret from everyone except their DH. We know this about them and tell them things or not depending on whether we care if their DH knows.
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Post by SnowWhite on Dec 1, 2015 22:26:13 GMT
Yes, bit I would have told you from the get go that I don't keep things from DH. I will not tell anyone else but he and I talk about everything. I never tell someone something I'm not comfortable with their spouse knowing. I think it's pretty common to share those things with spouses and I never assume there will be total secrecy. I'm on this bench. I generally assume that spouses don't keep secrets and I think it's unreasonable to have expected that your friend would do so. Would I tell my boyfriend everything? No, but mostly because he doesn't care about 85% of the stuff women prattle on about.
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grammanisi
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Post by grammanisi on Dec 1, 2015 22:29:17 GMT
Most people that would tell me something in confidence know that I don't keep things from my husband.
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Peal
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Jun 25, 2014 22:45:40 GMT
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Post by Peal on Dec 1, 2015 22:37:46 GMT
I don't generally keep things from my husband either, but I have a very dear friend whose had a rough life and some pretty significant struggles. I told DH some of the basics so he could understand her a little. But the deeply personal stuff I haven't shared with anyone. I try and be respectful of our relationship. And DH doesn't need to know. And I think she would feel pretty betrayed if she found out I was sharing her secrets. I understand how you feel op. I would let her know how disappointed you are.
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Post by Outspoken on Dec 1, 2015 22:40:05 GMT
If it doesn't impact or hurt her family, I don't see why she felt the need to tell him. When I asked her to not say anything to ANYONE, she assured me she wouldn't. Not that she wouldn't tell anyone EXCEPT her husband. It included very personal and intimate details. It was not gossip.
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likescarrots
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Post by likescarrots on Dec 1, 2015 22:50:43 GMT
I tell my husband everything, if someone asked me not to tell him I would ask them not to tell me.
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Post by gar on Dec 1, 2015 22:51:09 GMT
If I am asked not to tell anyone, I don't and that includes Dh. As well as being husband and wife we're also individuals so there's no need for him to know every single thing about every day or every person in my life. And no, that doesn't mean anything significant as far as our marriage is concerned but it means a lot to my friends.
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sharlag
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Post by sharlag on Dec 1, 2015 23:00:06 GMT
In our family, we share secrets, but make the person we told pretend that they weren't told.
Then, when the secret is revealed at a later date, the one who was secretly told has to behave as if this is BRAND NEW INFORMATION, in a quick wait!Iamnotsupposedtoknowthis! response that must look believable.
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Post by gmcwife1 on Dec 1, 2015 23:08:28 GMT
Yes, bit I would have told you from the get go that I don't keep things from DH. I will not tell anyone else but he and I talk about everything. I never tell someone something I'm not comfortable with their spouse knowing. I think it's pretty common to share those things with spouses and I never assume there will be total secrecy. I'm on this bench. I generally assume that spouses don't keep secrets and I think it's unreasonable to have expected that your friend would do so. Would I tell my boyfriend everything? No, but mostly because he doesn't care about 85% of the stuff women prattle on about. Same for me. It really would depend on what it is whether I told him or not and the same for me assuming that of others. I wouldn't tell my sister something that I didn't want her dh to know because I know she shares with him. Though to be honest I don't have any secrets from him either. But I think it's about knowing your audience and knowing their relationship with their spouse too. And it depends on the secret and how it would affect those around us. I don't usually share friend confidences with dh because he's not interested in emotional things.
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Post by breakfastattiffanys on Dec 1, 2015 23:10:23 GMT
Sharlag you crack me up! That's pretty much how my family works too. Except maybe we aren't believable.
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Post by peasapie on Dec 1, 2015 23:12:13 GMT
When someone confides in me in that way, I do not feel it necessary or appropriate to tell my husband, nor would I expect him to do so if the situation were reversed. We are partners, but I'm an independent person. The visibly upset thing sounds like BS to me.
I don't share much that I don't want to go to a spouse, as I am aware not everyone guards confidences as I do.
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Deleted
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May 1, 2024 15:46:21 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2015 23:21:35 GMT
I don't understand the compulsion to tell spouses private information about other people. I am not "keeping secrets" from my husband if I don't tell him something my BFF tells me in confidence about her husband or family or whatever. If the secret were something that actually had relevance and impact on his/our life - that's a different story.
I can't imagine having friends I couldn't trust to keep things private - or not being able to be trusted with information.
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Post by maryland on Dec 1, 2015 23:21:42 GMT
No, my husband and I don't tell each other things told to us by a friend in confidence. It has nothing to do with our spouse, so no need to tell. If it involved one of us, that would be different and we would tell our friend before they gave us the info.
My husband doesn't like gossip, so he wouldn't be interested even if my friend told me I could tell him.
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Post by bigbundt on Dec 1, 2015 23:46:33 GMT
For the most part I assume that anything I tell a friend will be told to her DH. However if I don't want them to say anything, I will ask them not to tell their spouse and as far as I know most of my friends have adhered to that request. I wouldn't say anything to my spouse if specifically told not to, not that I tell him everything anyway.
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purplebee
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Post by purplebee on Dec 1, 2015 23:52:20 GMT
I don't understand the compulsion to tell spouses private information about other people. I am not "keeping secrets" from my husband if I don't tell him something my BFF tells me in confidence about her husband or family or whatever. If the secret were something that actually had relevance and impact on his/our life - that's a different story. I can't imagine having friends I couldn't trust to keep things private - or not being able to be trusted with information. This. If she had wanted her friend's Dh to know this information, she would have confided in him. Regardless of how close a person is to their spouse, if someone confides something and specifically asks you not to tell anyone, you are breaking their trust by telling anyone, including your spouse.
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mallie
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Post by mallie on Dec 2, 2015 0:02:30 GMT
No. It's breaking trust. If a friend cannot provide me with that same basic courtesy, then I hope they tell me that up front and I will know to never share anything with her again. And therefore we won't be friends, just acquaintances.
Moreover, I'm not going to degrade my friends' lives to provide conversation fodder for my husband and I. I'm not going to gossip about my friends even to my dh and that is in fact what a wife is doing if she breaks a secret told to her, even if she's telling her husband -- she's gossiping.
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Post by shanniebananie on Dec 2, 2015 0:09:51 GMT
My sister and I had a huge blowup this summer over this exact subject. She told me something in confidence and I did tell my husband. She asked him point blank if he knew and he said yes. What followed was WW3. I don't keep secrets from my husband and I don't feel bad having told him. She had to admit she would have told her husband too. Lots of hurt feelings though and I do regret having caused them.
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Post by NanaKate on Dec 2, 2015 0:11:38 GMT
I don't keep things from my husband either. Meaning things that are my business or "our" business. Personal info a friend shared with me that has nothing to do with my husband or our lives together...nope! That would be on a need to know basis for DH.
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oaksong
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Jun 27, 2014 6:24:29 GMT
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Post by oaksong on Dec 2, 2015 0:12:31 GMT
In our family, we share secrets, but make the person we told pretend that they weren't told.
Then, when the secret is revealed at a later date, the one who was secretly told has to behave as if this is BRAND NEW INFORMATION, in a quick wait!Iamnotsupposedtoknowthis! response that must look believable. This is totally our family too! It has become so ridiculous that none of us can even keep a straight face at the "but don't tell so and so". We all know that there are no real secrets with our family, and everyone is ok with pretending that there are. It's kind of silly. That being said, I usually assume that when I tell someone something, they will probably share it with their spouse, even if asked not to. That is just the way some marriages are. If I was asked not to tell, I most likely wouldn't tell DH, but if I did he would not share it with anyone else.
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Post by disneypal on Dec 2, 2015 0:15:05 GMT
I'm sorry that happened to you - I can really relate. I told a very close friend something in confidence and a week or so later, she was telling me some advice that her DH had about it. I said to her "How does your DH know? I asked you not to tell anyone and you said you wouldn't." She said "but I tell DH everything". Well, who knows if DH repeated it or not - knowing him...probably so.
So...lesson learned....it was a hard lesson but I learned not to tell her anything in confidence anymore.
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Post by leannec on Dec 2, 2015 0:17:12 GMT
In our family, we share secrets, but make the person we told pretend that they weren't told.
Then, when the secret is revealed at a later date, the one who was secretly told has to behave as if this is BRAND NEW INFORMATION, in a quick wait!Iamnotsupposedtoknowthis! response that must look believable. Exactly! I tell dh pretty much everything ... even the stuff he has no interest in aka "girl stuff"
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Post by littlemama on Dec 2, 2015 0:21:29 GMT
I don't keep things from dh, however, if a friend told me something that really did not impact either of us, I might not mention it. Your friend was upset/distracted and her husband asked what was wrong. Had she not told him, that could have caused issues in the marriage.
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back to *pea*ality
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Dec 2, 2015 0:23:19 GMT
It would bother me too. She betrayed your confidence. I consider myself an independent person and if what you relayed had nothing to do with her husband I don't understand the need to share with him. However, in this day and age of over sharing, I think keeping a confidence is a thing of the past that only a small minority of people will truly honor.
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