raindancer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,095
Jun 26, 2014 20:10:29 GMT
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Post by raindancer on Dec 2, 2015 16:40:42 GMT
By burdens in this thread, we're talking about keeping secrets, not supporting and helping friends cope with life's heavy loads. One secret that I would not appreciate being told and asked to hold in confidence is the admission of an affair. Sometimes helping friends cope with life's heavy loads involve being able to keep their secrets for them. There really is no difference in my mind, either you can help a friend through a rough time and keep their confidence or you can't. If you can't, I don't see how that's being a true and loyal friend. In my case of the affair "secret", IMO if you know me as a friend you know the one thing I value above all else is honesty and integrity. The woman who told me her secret had no business telling me that and I had no intentions of being a loyal friend or otherwise to someone who would do that. IMO if you are willing to break your marriage vows and lie and betray your own spouse, you will never be fully be trustworthy to hold my secrets. I ended the friendship that day. I do not support that behavior and it is a deal breaker for me. As it turns out it was not a deal breaker for her dh. And my husband and hers remain friends to this day. I have nothing to do with them. I don't trust her at all. There is a difference between a heavy load and a full on betrayal of another person. That being said, in a different circumstance I might have felt differently. But for this friend, and her husband, and her circumstance and her "reasons", I no longer respected her. So I guess by your definition I was not a true and loyal friend. Which is fine. I don't think you owe someone loyalty at all costs.
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Deleted
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May 1, 2024 22:47:27 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2015 16:41:46 GMT
I made the clarification so it would be clear that I didn't equate the two things, not that I thought you didn't understand them. I'm not sure we would approach the affair situation differently -- I wouldn't run to betray that confidence, but I would find it quite difficult to maintain that friendship depending on why the cheater chose to share it with me. I haven't had that happen in my life, fortunately. Can I ask why your friend told you? She was hurting and miserable. She's still a very close friend and to my knowledge has never admitted her transgression but has also to my knowledge never done it again because it was genuinely miserable. ETA I responded with pissy and I do apologize. No worries! I'm glad you were there for your friend. In a situation like you describe, I would hope to be the same sort of friend.
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Post by gar on Dec 2, 2015 16:44:02 GMT
My husband is my best friend. I don't keep secrets from him. Expecting me to keep something from him, if you know me at all, would be silly on your part. Secrets jeopardize relationships. *Some* secrets jeopardise *some* relationships. Clearly, the many on here who have replied that they don't break a friend's confidence is evidence that such a blanket statement is not always true at all.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 2, 2015 16:45:47 GMT
Before I tell anything, I go on the assumption that spouses share info. I would not expect my confidence to be kept unless I specifically requested the information not be shared with their spouse. I had something happen recently that required assistance from my sister. I fully expect her DH would know. But I specifically asked her not to share with our mother or anyone else.
I don't tell my DH everything. I just don't. I try to use my best judgment on whether the person who told me something in confidence would mind whether I shared with him. I do share a lot with my husband, though. Our relationship is such that if something were wearing heavy on me, he would notice and I feel like he would be owed an explanation of why.
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Post by esperanza on Dec 2, 2015 17:15:19 GMT
Honestly? Yes. I tell him everything, and he does the same. If someone specifically said, don't tell your DH. I would keep it secret until it blew over...I suppose. But we each have friends that don't know each other. I have nursing friends and he has cop friends. I've never been put in this situation so I really don't know.
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Deleted
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May 1, 2024 22:47:27 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2015 17:18:35 GMT
I am really disappointed to read how many peas are piss poor friends who can't keep a secret. I would be FURIOUS if my friend betrayed me like that. And that's exactly what it is... a betrayal. I don't give a shit that someone is married. I tell you a secret, I expect you to keep it to yourself. If you don't, you're a shit friend and will probably be dropped out of my life because you cannot be trusted. No, I don't tell my DH everything. He doesn't need to know my friend's secrets. They are secrets for a reason. Betraying a friend because you can't keep a secret from your husband is a shitty reason to betray someone. But then again, there is never a good reason for betrayal. You tell me a secret and I'll take it to the grave unless you tell me that a certain person is in on it as well. This thread has really pissed me off first thing in the morning because one thing I despise is disloyalty and betrayal. That's a trust you can never get back. Well I guess I could say that I'm disappointed how many people are piss poor spouses who don't put that relationship above all others. But that would be as silly as you categorizing some of us as piss poor friends. Just to be clear - I do not rush home to my husband and say "GUESS WHAT JENNY TOLD ME!" like it's gossip. It comes up in a discussion or when I need new perspective. I don't tell him "everything" but "everything" is open to discussion when it's appropriate. My friendships do not exist in a vacuum separate and apart from my marriage. They are part of my life and sometimes that part intersects the part that is my marriage. As for the Pea who said that she doesn't understand a spouse being a best friend, I get that sentiment. I've lived it in my previous marriage. I would even go so far as to say we wouldn't even have been friends. All I can say to explain it is that some people have it and others don't. It doesn't make my marriage better than yours and it doesn't make your friendships better than mine. To be fair, my (current) husband and I have been friends since I was 15. If someday we were no longer married, I would still want him as a best friend. Our friendship is part of our marriage. I never feel like he's not my husband/life partner, but there are SO many times that the thought of "he is so much fun to be friends with" comes into my head and heart. That's the closest I can come to explaining it. If for some reason we weren't married and we also lost our friendship, I believe that I would miss the friendship the most.
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Deleted
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May 1, 2024 22:47:27 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2015 17:33:38 GMT
If I found out a friend told anyone, even their spouse, something I wanted to be kept between the two of us, it would severely damage my relationship with them. I also have trust issues so this may play a role in that mindset. Too many times have I confided in someone, prefacing the conversation "just between us, don't tell anyone" have I found out that they told someone else. One friend regularly shared stuff with her sister that while I was friendly with, there were some things I didn't want to share with her. So now, I don't share anything with anyone that I wouldn't tell someone else. My friendship with that one friend is very limited. I haven't talked to her in a year. If I wanted it kept between me and one other person, that one person would be DH. He's very good at keeping his mouth shut.
I assume that my friends will share general details, updates, etc with their spouse so I share things with that in mind. Unless a friend told me that it was between just us, I generally gloss over our conversations with DH, meaning that I will share updates but not secrets. I do not tell him if she's having female problems. I would say "health issues" but I wouldn't go into specifics. If she told me she was having problems but didn't want to tell anyone, I wouldn't even tell DH that. Granted, his interaction with most of the people I know is very limited so I don't really have to worry about him blurting out something.
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Post by maryland on Dec 2, 2015 17:42:13 GMT
My friends (meaning any friend i have who would tell me somethibg in confidence) and I all have an agreement that we don't keep anything from our spouses and that 'don't tell anyone' doesn't mean our husbands. There have been times when a friend says 'don't tell anyone' and I don't tell dh because he wouldn't care about the topic at all and we have more interesting things to talk about and there are times a friend says 'don't tell anyone' and I do tell dh because it is something we would discuss. If a not as close friend tells me 'don't tell anyone' I sometimes ask if I can tell dh. I would say 100% of the time my friend says yes. If it is something so private then don't tell a friend. I can't imagine what I couldn't share with my dh. If my friend was telling me something about her breasts or period or something like that, I'd probably not tell dh about that. Not only would he not want to know but that seems very private. I'm so private that I can't even think of what any 'secrets' or 'confidences' would be that I would share with my friends or they would share with me. About the bolded part, I am so private that I wouldn't discuss those types of issues with friends or my husband (if it was about me). I guess I am just weird, but certain things I can't discuss with anyone! I get embarrassed so easily!
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Post by lisacharlotte on Dec 2, 2015 17:51:42 GMT
Just because I tell my husband most of what I hear doesn't mean that if I don't, I'm keeping secrets from him. These things come up in in our daily living together. If a friend gave me her dirty bedroom secrets I'm not telling him because he doesn't want to hear it. Truthfully, I don't want to hear it. Someone's cheating, dying of cancer, going to prison, filing for bankruptcy, dropping out of school, etc, etc, I'm telling him.
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Post by Frazzled Mom on Dec 2, 2015 18:13:29 GMT
I'm stunned by the number of people who feel it's okay to betray a trust in order to tell their DH "everything". Keeping a friend's confidence that doesn't involve your DH is NOT keeping secrets nor does it make your relationship with your DH any less important or real.
OP, I think you have every right to feel betrayed by your friend. Her behavior was inexcusable and if it were me, it would damage our relationship, maybe permanently. Trust once lost is very difficult to earn back. I'm sorry that happened to you.
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gina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,205
Jun 26, 2014 1:59:16 GMT
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Post by gina on Dec 2, 2015 18:18:55 GMT
To answer your question, yes, I would tell my husband. Sorry, I tell him everything. So where do you draw the line with that? How do you make sure you have told him everything and not inadvertently forgotten and thereby are keeping a secret from him? Do you both mentally walk through your day so as to make sure everything is covered? Yup! That's exactly what we do.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Dec 2, 2015 18:37:30 GMT
I am totally agreeing with grinning cat. WTH? Why in the world would I want to confide in a friend, to just have her go blab to her dh? I don't CARE what HE has to say. Otherwise I would go over and talk to them both. I don't give a rat's ass what he thinks or his opinion on it. Same for my DH, esp if it doesn't involve him. I was told a secret by a friend. Told me not to tell. never did. It was about my dh's best friend. Could have made a difference in how he felt about him, could have done a lot of things. Turned out it didn't matter. Things played out and he and DH are no longer friends. I didn't have to tell him anything. Even if they hadn't, I would not have told him. It was between her and me. I don't have to share everything with him. I am my own separate indep woman.
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Post by gar on Dec 2, 2015 18:46:44 GMT
So where do you draw the line with that? How do you make sure you have told him everything and not inadvertently forgotten and thereby are keeping a secret from him? Do you both mentally walk through your day so as to make sure everything is covered? Yup! That's exactly what we do.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Dec 2, 2015 19:06:54 GMT
I have also learned the hard way not to tell anything to anyone you don't want the whole world to know. The only people I trust are a ) our lawyer and b ) my doctors.
I asked my sister to promise not to tell my mom something. She did. Let's just say it took a long time to repair that relationship and I warned my dad to not have her come anywhere near me for a long time. That taught me a valuable lesson. She could never be trusted. I loved her but I didn't trust her.
My mother didn't tell my dad anything her BFF told her. Then the BFF said to me "well your mom told you about xyz, right?" and I looked at her like she had 3 heads. No, I didn't know anything about that situation. You told my mom not to tell me, so how would I know?
Again at work, my coworker told me in confidence that she and her husband were separating. We as a group had coffee together 2x day for 30 min at a time. One day we were sitting together and we were chatting as per usual and she looked at me and said something like "how come NO ONE knows???" I looked at her with a dead stare and said "You told me not to tell...I didn't" so she was all embarrassed that no one knew she was separating. We were in HR FFS. We are supposed to keep secrets. That's our job. Oh man that was awkward.
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oh yvonne
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Jun 26, 2014 0:45:23 GMT
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Post by oh yvonne on Dec 2, 2015 19:12:51 GMT
I don't generally keep things from my husband either, but I have a very dear friend whose had a rough life and some pretty significant struggles. I told DH some of the basics so he could understand her a little. But the deeply personal stuff I haven't shared with anyone. I try and be respectful of our relationship. And DH doesn't need to know. And I think she would feel pretty betrayed if she found out I was sharing her secrets. I understand how you feel op. I would let her know how disappointed you are. This! There is (or should be) a level of intimacy between girlfriends. I'd never share some of my girlfriend's issues/secrets with my husband, for Pete's sake! There is absolutely no need to share everything with your DH, not when it comes to a friend's secret/issues. OMG. The friendship is between the two of YOU, and unless this issue is something that affects your DH, when why would you betray her trust? Wow. So if you bff shares with you that her husband can no longer get it up without a script, would you run and share that with your DH? Really? Shocked at this thread.
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christinec68
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,120
Location: New York, NY
Jun 26, 2014 18:02:19 GMT
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Post by christinec68 on Dec 2, 2015 19:22:18 GMT
If someone asks me to not tell anyone, I don't tell anyone and it goes with me to the grave. It has nothing to do with not respecting my husband or our marriage but some things are just none of his business. I would never betray a friend to tell him something that has zero impact on our lives other than being something to talk about at dinner. OP, I am so sorry your friend betrayed you like this.
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Country Ham
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on Dec 2, 2015 19:36:40 GMT
We are human beings made for relationships. I would never put something emotionally heavy on a good friend then tell them they have to bear that information alone. There is a huge difference between gossip and going to a spouse for support. If my best friend told me she had a terminal illness she wasn't ready to go public with she would not expect me not to cry about it in my husband's arms. Why would people put that much pressure one another person?
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Deleted
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May 1, 2024 22:47:27 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2015 19:49:28 GMT
I don't generally keep things from my husband either, but I have a very dear friend whose had a rough life and some pretty significant struggles. I told DH some of the basics so he could understand her a little. But the deeply personal stuff I haven't shared with anyone. I try and be respectful of our relationship. And DH doesn't need to know. And I think she would feel pretty betrayed if she found out I was sharing her secrets. I understand how you feel op. I would let her know how disappointed you are. This! There is (or should be) a level of intimacy between girlfriends. I'd never share some of my girlfriend's issues/secrets with my husband, for Pete's sake! There is absolutely no need to share everything with your DH, not when it comes to a friend's secret/issues. OMG. The friendship is between the two of YOU, and unless this issue is something that affects your DH, when why would you betray her trust? Wow. So if you bff shares with you that her husband can no longer get it up without a script, would you run and share that with your DH? Really? Shocked at this thread. Not specifically. But the convo might go something like this "what would we do if ___________(insert situation here)?" He would probably ask why it's coming up (no pun intended) and I would reply "one of my friends mentioned it's an issue in their marriage and I started thinking about how we would handle that. Would we discuss it? Ignore it? How far would you be willing to go medically?" See? While I don't need to tell him my friend's "secret" or even get his perspective (in that case) on what she should do, it does open up the line of communication in a real life way so that we could discuss something that might happen to us and how we would approach it. Could I bring it up without bringing up my friend's secret? Probably, but then he might think that I have concerns that are more specific rather than hypothetical as they relate to us. On the other hand, if my friend Jenny confided that her husband was abusive, it would be something I directly brought up because (a) it could affect me or our family if we needed to offer her shelter or support in other ways and he has a right to be a part of that decision, (b) he might have some perspective that could help me emotionally support her, or (c) he needs to know if I'm potentially putting myself in a situation that could escalate.
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oh yvonne
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Jun 26, 2014 0:45:23 GMT
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Post by oh yvonne on Dec 2, 2015 20:21:58 GMT
The abusive husband I would definitely speak to my husband about, for the various reasons you list. I guess I just don't see the need to discuss the Viagra situation w/DH. I wouldn't feel the need to offer her any advice on that, other than knowing her DH and how he is, stubborn etc. I would have no need to run it by DH for any reason. I'd refer her obviously to the web for that. I would feel bad that my DH knows his friend is having bedroom issues. I'd feel bad about it. Its too personal. If and when (because its inevitable) its time to have the discussion w/DH, I'd just go there, discuss it as our issue. Not broached through someone else's issue. Hope that makes sense.
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Deleted
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May 1, 2024 22:47:27 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2015 21:19:13 GMT
Whose husband wouldn't be absolutely mortified to know that his spouse told anyone about his erectile problems? That would constitute a betrayal of trust to me.
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,389
Aug 16, 2014 23:15:53 GMT
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Post by peaname on Dec 2, 2015 21:21:47 GMT
I would be upset if I had specifically told her not to tell. If you said that first she should have stopped you and told you she can't keep things from her DH and then you wouldn't have told her.
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Post by 950nancy on Dec 3, 2015 1:36:12 GMT
Whose husband wouldn't be absolutely mortified to know that his spouse told anyone about his erectile problems? That would constitute a betrayal of trust to me. I'm just trying to imagine a friend confiding that her husband is having these problems and then sharing this with my husband who knows the other husband. I just wouldn't discuss it with my husband and I would try to commiserate with my friend. I can see a girlfriend sharing this fact with a very good friend. It is her problem too. Having the news passed around to other husbands would be mortifying.
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Post by freecharlie on Dec 3, 2015 1:44:28 GMT
Then you shouldn't have shared it at all. Did your dh know you were sharing this? Will she look at your son differently? Will she use it against him in the future?
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georgiapea
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Jun 27, 2014 18:02:10 GMT
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Post by georgiapea on Dec 3, 2015 1:45:20 GMT
If someone asks me to not tell anyone, that includes my DH. One's DH does not need to know everything and to not betray a confidence is NOT "keeping things from him".
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Deleted
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May 1, 2024 22:47:27 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 3, 2015 1:49:03 GMT
Whose husband wouldn't be absolutely mortified to know that his spouse told anyone about his erectile problems? That would constitute a betrayal of trust to me. I'm just trying to imagine a friend confiding that her husband is having these problems and then sharing this with my husband who knows the other husband. I just wouldn't discuss it with my husband and I would try to commiserate with my friend. I can see a girlfriend sharing this fact with a very good friend. It is her problem too. Having the news passed around to other husbands would be mortifying. But you know the husband, and I just can't believe he wouldn't be mortified to have you know something like that whether or not you'd tell your husband.
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Post by maryland on Dec 3, 2015 1:52:31 GMT
A friend of mine, who I consider to be very close with, told her DH something I told her in confidence. I asked her not to tell anyone. She claims that because she was "visibly" upset about what I was going through, she told him because he wanted to know why she was so distracted. I will admit that I don't believe her. I told her my story on a Monday. Her DH works out of town M-Th and she doesn't see him until Friday morning. I am hurt and angry. My son and her son have been best friends since 3rd grade (6 years) and we spend A LOT of time with this family, but now I don't want to be around them. How do I get past this?? EDIT TO ADD THIS INFO After reading all of your responses (thank you!) I wanted to add some info it has NO impact on her or her family EXCEPT that my son is grounded so he can't interact with their son. It it has to do with being a mom, being disappointed and hurt by your child and having to punish that child. His offense was embarrassing to me and my DH. So, no abuse. No affairs. No terminal illness. No other parties involved except our family. One of my biggest concerns is that her children will overhear she and her DH talking about it or that he will just outright tell the kid. As a mom, I needed another mom to lean on. We often talk about how difficult it is to raise children, how we worry about them in today's world and we pray for them. I felt like I could trust her no to tell when I asked her not to. But, when I confronted her, at least she didn't lie. I hope this this helps some of you who may have been concerned it was infidelity related. Thank you all again! I read your update. Sorry that you are going through this. Thinking of you!
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Post by 950nancy on Dec 3, 2015 1:55:05 GMT
I'm just trying to imagine a friend confiding that her husband is having these problems and then sharing this with my husband who knows the other husband. I just wouldn't discuss it with my husband and I would try to commiserate with my friend. I can see a girlfriend sharing this fact with a very good friend. It is her problem too. Having the news passed around to other husbands would be mortifying. But you know the husband, and I just can't believe he wouldn't be mortified to have you know something like that whether or not you'd tell your husband. Yes, he probably would be, but I think he would be mortified to know that I passed that info on to my husband. It is like the commercial where she told two friends and he told two friends and on and on. In this case, the fewer people that know, the better.
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Deleted
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May 1, 2024 22:47:28 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 3, 2015 2:22:00 GMT
My husband would be very sad if I started telling him all the details of my interactions with other people - he's not that chatty, and not that listeny. I mean, he listens just fine, but if I busted out a list of my friend's life's details, he would die of boredom and disinterest and the effort required to be polite and attentive. I assume what I share with friends might come up with their spouses, and that's been fine thus far. OTOH no one needs to tell me not to tell my husband about personal details that might embarrass them. I'm trying to think of a situation where I would need to tell him something shared with me in confidence, and I can't.
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Deleted
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May 1, 2024 22:47:28 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 3, 2015 2:25:02 GMT
Ooo, I am posting again.
I *have* been in the very unfortunate position of agreeing to keep something in confidence not knowing what it was, then hearing it and having to recant my consent. That TOTALLY sucked. It was a safety issue, and I had to report it to our employer, but I told the person and tried to win them over to want to report it to. They agreed finally, but it sucked all around. I'm sure they wish they hadn't told me, and so did I.
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Post by sunnyd on Dec 3, 2015 2:27:53 GMT
Outspoken I'm sorry that happened! How did you find out that she told her dh?
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