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Post by Dictionary on Feb 15, 2016 22:34:42 GMT
So I am going to go out on a limb here and not say your DH is being selfish I think he's just being a guy. He enjoyed your time together and he enjoyed coaching and when all that was dwindling down he wanted to keep it alive. Being a typical male he didn't think about you or your girls he was just thinking of the great time you all had not once realizing how the dynamics changed.
At this point he's made his commitments and you've made your feelings known. I think this is more of a hobby for him now that your girls are grown. Frankly I would be frustrated and disappointed but you going ahead with plans for your girls is the right thing. Hopefully he figures out he messed up and can change his plans. As the season dwindles down I would be having a serious heart to heart with him about what you have planned for your future summers together. Sorry you have to deal with this.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Feb 15, 2016 23:10:23 GMT
I would be really annoyed, especially after giving up so many summers in a row for the team. That's a LONG time to not have a summer/vacation together as a family to do what YOU want. Now that your kids are done, I would want to be done too so I could reclaim my life. My DH and I have our own things that we do independent of each other, but nothing that would consume almost every weekend for an entire season. Since he's committed already for this year I would tell him okay go, but I would make it clear that I would NOT be going or helping in any capacity because I will be busy planning my own stuff to do.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Feb 15, 2016 23:24:40 GMT
I would be furious. I think it's inappropriate for him to be coaching teenage girls when he doesn't have anyone in the program. He is setting himself up for a bad situation. I'm not sure I would be able to put up with it.
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spongemom
Junior Member
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Jan 15, 2015 3:13:21 GMT
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Post by spongemom on Feb 15, 2016 23:32:03 GMT
I would be furious. I think it's inappropriate for him to be coaching teenage girls when he doesn't have anyone in the program. He is setting himself up for a bad situation. I'm not sure I would be able to put up with it. I often think the things you say are ridiculous and out of touch, but this really takes the cake. To say it is inappropriate that he enjoys coaching teenage girls and insinuate that he has some nefarious reasons to do so is narrowminded, disgusting, and offensive. Deb
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Post by bostonmama on Feb 15, 2016 23:50:54 GMT
Uh, NO. Not only without my consideration but IN SPITE OF my objections? Just no.
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deanne525
Shy Member
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Jul 10, 2015 21:56:27 GMT
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Post by deanne525 on Feb 16, 2016 1:00:08 GMT
I would be furious. I think it's inappropriate for him to be coaching teenage girls when he doesn't have anyone in the program. He is setting himself up for a bad situation. I'm not sure I would be able to put up with it. I find it interesting this is the first place your mind turns. Keep in mind not everyone has ulterior motives. My husband likes to coach because he likes to teach the girls and he gets enjoyment out of seeing them play well using the things he has taught them. Do you also feel this way about a male that coaches girls school teams? Very sad to live your life so negative.
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mvavw
Full Member
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Jun 25, 2014 20:21:43 GMT
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Post by mvavw on Feb 16, 2016 1:10:38 GMT
I would probably be upset, but now that he has made the commitment, I would try to make the most if it. Make plans with your daughters for the summer, but go to the tournaments with your husband and make the most of it. Can you add an extra day or two and have some couple time after the tournaments? I realize that it's a lot of "home" time that is affected too, maybe use that time for some mother/daughter time or to start a hobby of your own.
Don't punish him for the decision he already made, but make sure that he understands that you want input next year. You have the rest of your lives together as a couple, show him by example that you want to spend it positively with him.
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luvnlifelady
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Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Feb 16, 2016 1:19:34 GMT
I think it's excessive and not fair to you. Sort of like with my DH situation, it doesn't really matter what he's doing, if he's away from you and home too much, it's wrong.
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marianne
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Not my circus, not my monkeys. . . My monkeys fly!
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Jun 25, 2014 21:08:26 GMT
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Post by marianne on Feb 16, 2016 1:28:52 GMT
Yes, it would bother me. What would bother me most is that he didn't care that it bothered me. That would speak volumes to me about the health and one-sidedness of our relationship.
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braveschica
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Feb 13, 2016 15:37:17 GMT
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Post by braveschica on Feb 16, 2016 1:30:46 GMT
I'm in the minority but I don't think it's so awful. I was on one of those traveling teams and my dad coached both while I was on it and after I graduated. It is a big commitment but there are weekends without tournaments and it sounds like practice is only once a week with no weekly games. You could always plan a trip for a weekend without a tournament and the assistant coaches could run practice that Sunday. That's what we did and my team had games two week nights in addition! I'm also confused because your youngest daughter should still be able to play this summer in U18 unless eligibility rules have changed recently. Is it possible that your hubby and the team were thinking she would play this year and your hubby had been counting on having this summer all along? Also remember your girls might not really be around much anyway. Your oldest has softball and your youngest will be preparing to head to college! I spent all the time I could with the friends who would be heading to different colleges that summer. Just a few things I thought about
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Kerri W
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Jun 25, 2014 20:31:44 GMT
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Post by Kerri W on Feb 16, 2016 1:43:39 GMT
I think it would give me pause and I'd want to discuss it further. But DH and I are reasonably independent in general. He is involved in a couple different bands that take a fair amount of his time. On top of that he travels extensively for work. I really don't enjoy music the way he does so I don't love going along with him to practices, etc. So we have come to the agreement that he and I will make time for each other in a different way. I *want* him to enjoy music and have his own hobby. I have scrapbooking that he has absolutely no interest in and I would never expect him to share in it with me. As long as we still have quality time together, I'm cool with his pursuing a hobby as well. Will the travel team take absolutely ALL of your Dhs time or will he be able to juggle both?
ETA-Another thought. In my relationship it wouldn't be any more OK for me to make plans for DH and make the assumption that he wanted to do the things I wanted to do than it would be for him to make plans for me to take part in the traveling ball team. It would be a discussion and each sharing why our activity was important to us. But I wouldn't automatically decide for him what he was going to spend his summer doing.
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Deleted
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May 18, 2024 15:55:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2016 2:24:06 GMT
Very much. But I would just make my travel plans without him.
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Post by christine58 on Feb 16, 2016 2:31:36 GMT
I would be furious. I think it's inappropriate for him to be coaching teenage girls when he doesn't have anyone in the program. He is setting himself up for a bad situation. I'm not sure I would be able to put up with it. I find it interesting this is the first place your mind turns. Keep in mind not everyone has ulterior motives. My husband likes to coach because he likes to teach the girls and he gets enjoyment out of seeing them play well using the things he has taught them. Do you also feel this way about a male that coaches girls school teams? Very sad to live your life so negative. cycworker Are you shitting me??? Really??? I think this comment says more about you than him actually. deanne525 Your DH probably loves coaching. My brother often said he would be done coaching football when his son graduated HS...well...he's still coaching 7 years later and continues to have a positive influence on them.
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Post by jackie on Feb 16, 2016 3:07:06 GMT
I don't think it's that perplexing. Lots of people get into a groove with their spouse and sometimes assume they know things that they don't or things have been clearly communicated that haven't. Maybe casual remarks are made or hints dropped, but no one really sat down and said this is how I feel--and then emphatically express how they feel with no holds barred. I bet every one of us is guilty at least some point in our life of assuming someone knew how we felt when they didn't. I think it's often easier to put it all out here and say what we want to say/mean but not do that to the ones that we need to say it to. Don't we even have threads titled "Say it here!"? Anyway, the OP said she communicated her feelings VERY CLEARLY to her dh, so I believe her. But really, it's not a strange assumption to wonder otherwise.
And I agree--those who think it's troublesome that he wants to continue coaching these girls, shame on you! Many men are gifted in coaching, training or teaching. They don't have to legitimize their work with girls by having a dd on the team any more than, as someone pointed out earlier, a teacher needs to have a daughter in his class to make it okay for him to teach girls. Really backward thinking...smh.
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grinningcat
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Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Feb 16, 2016 13:05:47 GMT
No that would not bother me. I would expect my husband to respect me and any similar commitments I would want to make. I also do not feel that I need to control my partner's comings and goings and make his time all about me.
He's found something he likes to do and wants to commit to, good for him. He should be encouraged, not discouraged because it takes time away from you and your plans.
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grinningcat
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Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Feb 16, 2016 13:09:48 GMT
I would be furious. I think it's inappropriate for him to be coaching teenage girls when he doesn't have anyone in the program. He is setting himself up for a bad situation. I'm not sure I would be able to put up with it. Newsflash: Very few men are predators. That your mind automatically turns to the nefarious is ignorant, disgusting and completely inappropriate. But you have made it plain that you have no respect for men and that they need to be controlled to within an inch of their lives because they are incompetent, so really none of us should be surprised that you think every man is going to do something wrong. This is what's wrong with society and why men rarely go into female dominated fields like child care and teaching... because of ignorant beliefs like this and being automatically labeled a pedophile because of their gender.
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peabay
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Feb 16, 2016 13:23:45 GMT
While I'd be annoyed and we'd talk about how long he plans on doing this, I'm really bothered by the insinuations that his enjoyment of coaching is somehow inappropriate or sketchy. He coached his daughters and loved it. People have all sorts of passions and interests and because his is teaching young women to play softball there's something wrong with it? He probably loves the planning, the strategy, hanging out with the parents, dealing with the opposing teams who he's played against for years - it's become a big part of his life. I'll have trouble saying goodbye to the PTA after my youngest graduates - I'll have been very involved for 16 years. I've made friends, I'm devoted to the cause and I like staying in the loop. Doesn't make me a pedophile.
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tduby1
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Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on Feb 16, 2016 13:26:11 GMT
I would be furious. I think it's inappropriate for him to be coaching teenage girls when he doesn't have anyone in the program. He is setting himself up for a bad situation. I'm not sure I would be able to put up with it. Would you say the same to a male teacher with no daughters in the class? Ridiculous! You remind me of the nasty moms who were concerned about my husband volunteering in DS's K class 12 years ago. They thought he certainly must be questionable to want to spend time in a Kindergarten class. Never mind *they* were volunteering, too but because he was a man he wasn't supposed to want to spend that time with his child. ICK to them and ICK to you.
ETA: Much like you, these morons had to gall to suggest as much to me... but unlike you, they didn't realize I was his wife. They were just informing me when I volunteered (We took turns volunteering on Fridays) about the "man" who volunteered the Friday before and how they don't trust him because "men just don't do that". You should have seen their faces when I told them I was his wife. At least THEY had the common sense to know it was an inappropriate thing to say to his wife.
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tduby1
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Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on Feb 16, 2016 13:30:13 GMT
I would be furious. I think it's inappropriate for him to be coaching teenage girls when he doesn't have anyone in the program. He is setting himself up for a bad situation. I'm not sure I would be able to put up with it. I find it interesting this is the first place your mind turns. Keep in mind not everyone has ulterior motives. My husband likes to coach because he likes to teach the girls and he gets enjoyment out of seeing them play well using the things he has taught them. Do you also feel this way about a male that coaches girls school teams? Very sad to live your life so negative. Makes one wonder about the men she has been exposed to.
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Post by maryland on Feb 16, 2016 13:55:08 GMT
Had you made him aware, prior to him making these plans, that you expected him to stop coaching after your daughters were no longer playing? I know from dealing with my own hubby, I can't expect him to know my feelings if I don't tell him. That's what I used to have to tell my husband. He needs to tell me if something bothers him, how do I know if he doesn't tell me.
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Post by pierkiss on Feb 16, 2016 13:55:35 GMT
I would be super pissed. We would be having a fight about it. And I absolutely would not be tagging along to out of town tournaments for no other reason than my husband is coach. I get loving coaching, my husband started coaching varsity track and cross country last year at our kids school. He loves it. But it doesn't suck up a lot of our time off, nor is it very expensive for us. Is there a non-travel softball team that he could coach instead?
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Post by maryland on Feb 16, 2016 13:59:23 GMT
I would be furious. I think it's inappropriate for him to be coaching teenage girls when he doesn't have anyone in the program. He is setting himself up for a bad situation. I'm not sure I would be able to put up with it. I often think the things you say are ridiculous and out of touch, but this really takes the cake. To say it is inappropriate that he enjoys coaching teenage girls and insinuate that he has some nefarious reasons to do so is narrowminded, disgusting, and offensive. Deb I feel the same as you do. I couldn't believe what I was reading. I am grateful for the men and women that volunteer to help our kids! If one dad didn't volunteer after his son graduated, my daughter wouldn't have had a soccer team to play on (it's coed).
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Post by maryland on Feb 16, 2016 14:04:56 GMT
I would be furious. I think it's inappropriate for him to be coaching teenage girls when he doesn't have anyone in the program. He is setting himself up for a bad situation. I'm not sure I would be able to put up with it. Would you say the same to a male teacher with no daughters in the class? Ridiculous! You remind me of the nasty moms who were concerned about my husband volunteering in DS's K class 12 years ago. They thought he certainly must be questionable to want to spend time in a Kindergarten class. Never mind *they* were volunteering, too but because he was a man he wasn't supposed to want to spend that time with his child. ICK to them and ICK to you.
ETA: Much like you, these morons had to gall to suggest as much to me... but unlike you, they didn't realize I was his wife. They were just informing me when I volunteered (We took turns volunteering on Fridays) about the "man" who volunteered the Friday before and how they don't trust him because "men just don't do that". You should have seen their faces when I told them I was his wife. At least THEY had the common sense to know it was an inappropriate thing to say to his wife.
Good for you! I am so mad just reading about how your husband was treated when he wanted to help out his childs classroom, just as moms do. You both would have been more than welcome at our elem. school. They love having dads volunteer. On field trips, they have to have an equal number of moms and dads.
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Deleted
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May 18, 2024 15:55:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2016 15:13:33 GMT
I think that he REALLY loves coaching. And while it would bother me, I think I would try to be understanding. It appears that coaching is his thing. He doesn't want to give it up after so many years. I can't say I blame him - I have things that I wouldn't want to give up either.
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Judy26
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Jun 25, 2014 23:50:38 GMT
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Post by Judy26 on Feb 16, 2016 15:22:11 GMT
I get it. Sometimes coaching is just part of who you are. My DH took a coaching job for a year or two out of state to help a friend. (College level) while it is hard on our family, the kids are grown, I am still working full time and it keeps DH young at heart. For some people it is their passion and to take it away from them would be cruel.
And yet the needs of the family need to be considered also. Hopefully there is room for compromise and your DH understands that time spent with your kids before they leave the nest is important. I wish you patience and creative solutions as you figure out this bump in the road.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Feb 16, 2016 15:36:23 GMT
I think the point that some of you are missing is that this hobby is pretty much all consuming for the whole summer for the OP's DH. It was okay while their kids were involved because that made it family time together and it was a sacrifice that the OP made for her kids because they enjoyed it. Now that the kids are done, she wants to be done too and I get that. I also get it that her DH loves it because it has become a big part of his life over the years, he is invested in these kids and it is now his hobby.
BUT-- did you all really read the laundry list of activities involved and the amount of time he's gone? It's pretty excessive considering the rest of the family has moved on from it. My DH has his hobbies and I have mine that we do on our own. It's healthy to have *some* separate interests, sure. But if my DH's hobbies took *that* much time away from me, our family and our home, I would absolutely be upset. Especially since she said he KNEW she was ready to move on.
Surely there must be a compromise that could be made in there somewhere that would allow him to help out with coaching on a more limited basis and still be able to enjoy some of the short summer months with his wife and teenagers before they are totally off on their own, and I don't find that to be at all unreasonable.
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Post by darkangel090260 on Feb 16, 2016 16:16:30 GMT
Since he no longer has children in the sport and it's a all girls team . It's kinda creepy
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peabay
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Feb 16, 2016 16:30:22 GMT
Since he no longer has children in the sport and it's a all girls team . It's kinda creepy You're wrong.
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psiluvu
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Jun 25, 2014 22:52:26 GMT
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Post by psiluvu on Feb 16, 2016 16:32:59 GMT
It would definitely bother me. I would feel like I wasn't a priority and my feelings weren't being taken into account.
I totally don't get the creepy factor and think it is sad that is where some people's minds go to.
High level competitive sports here do not usually have a parent coach. DD who plays girls midget AA ice hockey hasn't had a parent coach since PeeWee (11 and 12 yr olds)but has always had male coaches. DS who plays mosquito football only the head coach is a parent the defensive, offensive and special teams coaches are all non parents. DS'S best friend plays boys AAA hockey and they have non parent paid coaches also.
It takes a lot of time and training to be certified as a high level coach something parents don't always have a lot of.
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tduby1
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Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on Feb 16, 2016 16:41:47 GMT
Since he no longer has children in the sport and it's a all girls team . It's kinda creepy No, it's not! What is wrong with you people? The people insisting it is creepy are the creepy ones, if you ask me.
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