deanne525
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Post by deanne525 on Feb 15, 2016 19:00:19 GMT
so my husband coaches a travel softball team
he started coaching when my oldest was 8 years old. she is now 19.
we did this travel team summer after summer. I enjoyed it because both my girls were on the team and it was essentially family time for us. we made friends, we traveled with the team, we had fun for the most part. but it was a big commitment. we pretty much gave up our summers every year for softball. and we were fine with it because the girls loved it.
so last year was my girls last year of doing travel. my oldest is in college now and she is playing for her school. if she chooses to play this summer it will basically be an adult league that does a couple games a week.
well...my husband decided to take on another team this year. it is made up of the younger girls that were on the team last year plus new girls that they recruited. he knew I wasn't thrilled with this..but I honestly don't think he cared.
I totally get that he enjoys coaching. but travel is a whole other "ball game" its not like coaching a rec team that has games a couple times a week. this team of his practices almost every sunday morning 8-11am. he has away tournaments scheduled, local tournaments that pretty much take up the whole weekend. he has team bonding dates, team dinners, an away tournament for father's day weekend, one for 4th of july weekend... I was fine with all this when both of our girls played but now we aren't even involved. I was really really looking forward to a summer with no commitments. on one hand I feel guilty because I know he enjoys it...but on the other hand I really don't think I am wrong that after 11 years of giving up our summers that I wanted to have a normal one this year and be able to travel, hike, sit by the pool, you name it. my youngest goes to college in the fall..so this will be our last summer before both our girls are away at school. oh and the kicker is...he's already making plans for this team for next summer too.... 
I don't know..am I being a baby? or would it bother anyone else?? |
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Deleted
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May 18, 2024 14:39:32 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2016 19:04:10 GMT
I would be bothered he was taking on this level of commitment that was not family related that will take so much time away from his family (you).
How much I would be bothered would be determined by many other things though. On the face of it, I'd be bothered.
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Post by jackie on Feb 15, 2016 19:09:21 GMT
I don't think you're being a baby at all. I would be upset too. On the one hand, it is hard to ask/expect someone to give up something they love, but it seems like there could be a compromise--give up a couple of seasons or coach a rec team instead where the commitment isn't as big.
I think your hopes and expectations of the summer, especially with your last one going off to college, are normal and understandable. I think I would probably just move one with what I wanted to do but make it just you and your dd instead. I know that isn't ideal, but I would try to make the best of it. And have you really, really let him know how important this was to you? Maybe he didn't full understand?
I really understand your situation though because I have a dh who works weekends (including holidays) almost all summer long. He travels and he works at a racetrack all weekend, Thursday through Sunday. It's lonely and hard at times with him away. And yes, it's different because it's his job, but he also loves being at the racetrack too. I make sure I make the best of it with my kids though. We do tons of fun family stuff in the summer. I try to make sure I save some of them when he can be around, but I know he really misses some of the fun we have together. Maybe it will really hit him when he hears about all of the fun things you and your dd do bonding in ways other than softball and he'll change his mind for the following summer?
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deanne525
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Post by deanne525 on Feb 15, 2016 19:14:15 GMT
Jackie...oh he totally knows how I felt about it. Im Italian..we aren't known for keeping things to ourselves. HAHAH.  I pretty much told him that me and the girls will be making plans without him and if hes around great, if not then oh well we are still going ahead with our plans. I guess the kicker was when I found out he had an away tournament scheduled for fathers day weekend. I said do you realize this is fathers day?? his answer was "we have always played fathers day weekend".......ummmm yes but me and the kids were always there!! oy vey! |
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loco coco
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Post by loco coco on Feb 15, 2016 19:18:37 GMT
I would be upset (hurt) too. I think having separate hobbies is a good thing but not when it takes away that much quality time. Jackie had a good idea about compromising and him coaching a rec team. I dont think its about him not wanting to send time with you, I think its more that he's created this routine where he feels important and needed and that could be hard to give up. Small steps and big hugs!
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Post by krazykatlady on Feb 15, 2016 19:20:52 GMT
Personally I think he's being selfish. You are about to have an empty nest. I think it's time to find a NEW activity you can happily share together. If not I fear there may be trouble on the horizon. I'm not saying y'all can't have different activities but there should be time left for you as a couple to do things together.
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Post by moveablefeast on Feb 15, 2016 19:24:07 GMT
I would, at the very least, feel like I hadn't been taken into consideration when he was planning his schedule. I feel like it's important that everyone feels considered as much as it's possible while planning things that take up a lot of time.
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Post by polz on Feb 15, 2016 19:31:00 GMT
Yeah, it would bother me. My husband did this exact thing for 10 years. DD quit four years ago but DH stuck with it in an officiating capacity for six more. Last year, he met a woman and had an emotional affair. We're over it but it has been super, super tough. He has given it up (well, he didn't have a choice - me or his hobby. And no, it's not an ultimatum. It's a choice). Too much time away is not good for your family. Yes, your husband should have a hobby, but not one that is so time consuming.
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Post by GamGam on Feb 15, 2016 19:31:13 GMT
I think this is such an important decision that it should be a joint decision. Any commitment taking this much of his non-work time should be OK with both of you or else, it NOT Ok. He needs to listen to you .
tell him you need to talk this out, and soon.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Feb 15, 2016 19:39:00 GMT
I would be bothered because he is making plans that affect the family, without considering/consulting the family.
Do you think that he feels appreciated or validated that he was not getting before this?
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paigepea
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Post by paigepea on Feb 15, 2016 19:40:03 GMT
I can see both sides.
Your dh sounds like he loves this experience, and from an outside perspective he sounds like an amazing guy to want to give his time to the players, but at the same time a marriage does involve compromise. I would hope, that in that situation, my dh would find a way to compromise and hopefully find a reduced role. I know dh would hope that I'd be supportive in this situation and understand he was doing it for enjoyment. No reason for WWII but a sit down might be worthwhile. Good luck,
Paige.
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Post by nurseypants on Feb 15, 2016 19:44:45 GMT
I would be very bothered and wonder why he needs to spend so much time with teen-aged girls.
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Post by debmast on Feb 15, 2016 19:47:02 GMT
Had you made him aware, prior to him making these plans, that you expected him to stop coaching after your daughters were no longer playing?
I know from dealing with my own hubby, I can't expect him to know my feelings if I don't tell him.
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deanne525
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Post by deanne525 on Feb 15, 2016 19:49:28 GMT
I would be very bothered and wonder why he needs to spend so much time with teen-aged girls. he loves what he does and he is actually very good at it. he likes teaching the girls. he has coached some of the same girls from the time they were small to now college aged. i don't think there is anything "fishy" in the why he does it.
my main concern is that now that our daughters are done..i feel he should have taken a year or 2 off so we could have a normal summer...especially given the fact both will be away next year.
yes i think he was slightly selfish. but i also was feeling guilty because i was asking him to quit something he loves. i guess i just wanted to see if anyone else would feel the same as me. we all love validation...you know?! Lol
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Post by cindyupnorth on Feb 15, 2016 19:52:23 GMT
I'm sort of torn. While I would be a bit POd that he did this even when I told him I didn't want him too, I would be sad that I would feel he is giving up something he likes to do? Esp if he is good at it. Coaches for sports are few and far between. Esp ones committed enough to do it even though their own kid isn't in it. You really don't know how much your dd's are going to be around this summer also. I would think the oldest who is in college would have a job? often summer jobs you work A LOT of wkends, and holidays, and then she is going to be playing softball also? This way you both can stay busy. You can still go to the games, and enjoy the game without your own kids in it, right?
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kate
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Post by kate on Feb 15, 2016 19:52:42 GMT
I wouldn't be worried about the girls; I'd be worried about the moms. I just think it's hard when one person has a consuming hobby that doesn't involve their spouse AND it involves a lot of travel away from home.
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MorningPerson
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Post by MorningPerson on Feb 15, 2016 20:00:14 GMT
I wouldn't be happy about it.
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Post by anonrefugee on Feb 15, 2016 20:05:30 GMT
deanne525 you'll get plenty of advice so I'm not adding anymore. But I have to say your comment about being Italian and telling him how you feel made me smile! I am NOT Italian yet tell my DH how I feel. Sometimes both verbally and in writing! Actually I'm a little perplexed by that bit of advice when posted here. It wouldn't cross my mind someone didn't think to tell her husband anywhere, but especially if they managed to write a well thought out post to a group of strangers. It's one of the things that reminds me we live diverse lives beyond the pod.
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Post by peasapie on Feb 15, 2016 20:09:18 GMT
Maybe (hopefully?) this will be a transition year for him where he will realize that his life has changed. My ex husband was really into coaching soccer. It had become a huge part of his life and identity, and when it was all over I know he missed it terribly. It meant a lot more to him than just helping out his son. He had learned so much about the game, about kids, how to prep them, and formed friendships with other coaches.
I wonder if he will come to realize, as the season goes on, that it doesn't mean the same thing to him without his daughter there.
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Post by Sam on Feb 15, 2016 20:15:57 GMT
Well, this is 11 years of his life dedicated to a team as opposed to just your girls, so I think it may be hard to let go of, especially if he did a good job and found some personal satisfaction from coaching. You might have to wean him off a little more gently!
He clearly gains more from the experience than just being there for his daughters. Probably time to actually have a chat with him about expectations and where the next season or two might go from here.
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Post by jbelle on Feb 15, 2016 20:47:03 GMT
It would bother me yes, but if your DH is your hunny bun off season, I would support him and participate with him on the condition that he owes me a softball free, tropical sunny vacation whether it be in the fall or the winter. Hopefully, he will adjust to the girls being gone and will wean himself off from coaching a team that is so time consuming and find one who's schedule is amenable to both your needs.
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Post by kristi on Feb 15, 2016 21:12:22 GMT
My daughters coach has been with the team for 8 years. A few years ago his daughter stopped playing.
He said early on that he would coach until they graduated. This year will be the last year.
I know his daughter & spouse are not happy that he continues to coach when his daughter is no longer on the team.
From a family side, I would be ticked. As a mom of a daughter on the team, I appreciate his commitment to the girls
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Deleted
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May 18, 2024 14:39:32 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2016 21:17:11 GMT
It would bother me, too. I am not a fan of some sports and feel the schedule you described sounds miserable and I would be so glad it was over with the girls now off of the team. However, a small part of me feels it could be much worse. At least his hobby is not drinking or gambling... or having sleep-overs at his friend's house (I still wonder about that sweet pea).
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tduby1
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Post by tduby1 on Feb 15, 2016 21:19:40 GMT
I would be very bothered and wonder why he needs to spend so much time with teen-aged girls. Do you have this same view of male teachers? |
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Post by Basket1lady on Feb 15, 2016 21:24:50 GMT
I feel for you. And I agree--at the very least your DH should have talked about his continuing involvement coaching. It's a worthy cause--but so is his family.
I'm going through something similar with my DH and scouts. DS was crazy involved--not only the Senior Patrol Leader, an Eagle Scout, and also received four more Eagle Palms. Last year DS made the District Robotics team with came with a lot of weekend commitments so that he was no longer able to go on campouts and such. DH continued in his role as Assistant Scout Master, even through this year when DS is away at college. At first, I was really miffed that DH didn't become more involved with DD's activities (mostly theatre.) But DH has slowly become more involved this school year with DD. He's making friends with the theatre parents and is actually backing off some of his scout commitments. For a while there, DH was spending 5 out of 7 nights with scouts, Order of the Arrow, campouts, committee meetings, etc.
I'm happy that DH has friends and he loves to camp. But DD only has one more year at home and I'd really like to see him spend more time with DD. It's a hard balance.
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Post by smokeynspike on Feb 15, 2016 21:57:28 GMT
That would bother me, but what I would do is schedule the things that I wanted to do and then do them. If he chooses to come great, if he chooses not to, that is HIS loss! That way his commitment doesn't become YOUR commitment and while you may still experience some bitterness and resentment, at least you won't be missing out on stuff you want to do for his sake.
I love my husband and we have a good marriage, but I realize that there are many things that I like to do that he doesn't and vice versa. I go on vacations all the time without him (mostly to see my parents in another state), but I'm not willing to give up time with my parents just because he doesn't want to/can't take time off of work (or what not).
It works for us. Neither of us is attached at the hip to the other one. We are happy doing stuff together and apart.
Melissa |
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Post by maryland on Feb 15, 2016 22:02:40 GMT
The expense would defintely bother me! We travel for dance competitions just 3 times a year and the cost is enormous. Also, the time would be an issue. It seems that you don't get to go on vacations and spend much time together. Although it's great when adults volunteer to work with and coach kids, it seems like it has gone on a long time and is taking it's toll on you.
Could he just volunteer his time to help assist with practice once or twice a week, but only use one weekend to travel?
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Post by 950nancy on Feb 15, 2016 22:06:32 GMT
Jackie...oh he totally knows how I felt about it. Im Italian..we aren't known for keeping things to ourselves. HAHAH. I pretty much told him that me and the girls will be making plans without him and if hes around great, if not then oh well we are still going ahead with our plans. I guess the kicker was when I found out he had an away tournament scheduled for fathers day weekend. I said do you realize this is fathers day?? his answer was "we have always played fathers day weekend".......ummmm yes but me and the kids were always there!! oy vey! I would purposely make sure that plans were made when he could and couldn't go with us. Father's Day? That is his day. If he wants to travel, let him go. My husband decided to take my boys skiing on his birthday and Valentine's Day. It made my life easier. |
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Post by Really Red on Feb 15, 2016 22:27:01 GMT
I'm sorry. I agree with you. You don't have a husband so that he spends half your vacation time away unless that's what you both want.
I hope he hasn't signed on the dotted line, but it sounds like he has. Just the decision without your input is really too much. I'm sorry. It sucks. You're right.
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Post by malibou on Feb 15, 2016 22:34:38 GMT
I would be totally bummed out by this.
Since you did this for so very many years, I'm betting that there was loads of things you did to facilitate these trips. Loads of planning on your part for food, clothing, gear. Bet he will miss that when it's gone.
J
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