deanne525
Shy Member
Posts: 22
Jul 10, 2015 21:56:27 GMT
|
Post by deanne525 on Feb 16, 2016 22:19:02 GMT
OP, I see that you're a new poster and I'm truly sorry one of your first threads has gone this far sideways. You must feel sick. Try to take it in stride. I am new to this board but not new to 2peas I was a member there for many years. I just found out about this board. I'm not upset at all by what people are saying. I'm actually finding it amusing that people are able to twist things this much. I'm glad I don't think the worst in people. I've never had a reason to. I feel sorry for people who have to live in fear that every person could potentially be out to get them:
|
|
|
Post by Meri-Lyn on Feb 16, 2016 22:26:53 GMT
Sorry christine58 , I did not mean for that to be attributed to you.
|
|
|
Post by jackie on Feb 16, 2016 22:59:27 GMT
In this day and age, after Sandusky, and the Priest revelations, the scout leaders, and teachers and others in a position of trust that seem to regularly make the news for inappropriate to flat out criminal behavior with kids I think some of us are being naive. Yes, the vast majority of people who give of their time and knowledge have their hearts in the right places. But there are those who don't and peas shouldn't be shamed for keeping an eye out for them. Blindly accepting that "Coach couldn't have done it. He's a good guy." or "but he's done so much for the team/town/school..." or "But he's got a kid on the team or is so and sos dad, he'd never do that..." is how true pedophiles can act unhindered for so long. It's how victims are poo-pooed into the shadows and made afraid to rock the boat. And to insinuate that those who express such concerns must be pedophiles and attributing their own thoughts to others? Well, ladies, I have no words for how offensive that is. Are the peas about resorting to blind insults and gross accusations or veiled innuendo because we don't like what the other is saying? Only the OP knows her DH. She knows him to be a good man, father, and coach. She has no reason to suspect anything other than a gross lack of consideration on his part. She wouldn't be the first wife completely in the dark. But I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt. There are enough problems here with his actions as it is. But my thoughts can't help but move along to other pitfalls in the situation. Do other parents travel regularly to the games? Will he socialize with them outside the game? I'm not saying that he would stray, but that sometimes things get misconstrued between people, some women see married men as a challenge, some people are just naturally flirtatious, and false accusations happen more than we want to admit. There's a reason most doctors, teachers, professors, etc that I know have policies against being alone with someone and the door closed or what have you. It's called CYA and prudent for any responsible adult. Is it paranoia? Or is it being realistic? What you find overacting might be perfectly reasonable to those peas who have been taken advantage of or had their careers nearly ruined by entitled vindictive twits who lashed out when they heard the word "No". As one pea pointed out, we are all talking based on our own experiences here. As Polz basically pointed out from her post, bad things happen to good people and marriages everyday, often hitting you on the blindside. You can recover from it, but that doesn't mean you forget such things are possible. I think the OP is handling this to the best of her ability and it's my hope he evaluates the situation and there's a positive outcome. I doubt there's anything nefarious going on. Accusing him of inappropriateness may well be going too far but (and this is IMO only so feel free to disagree and block me) it's also dangerous to be ignorant of reality and potential pitfalls and not exercise due caution and diligence in covering your butt. Mocking and deriding those who see the world in darker shades than you says more about you than it does them. Be grateful that your life or disposition lets you believe what you do. There is no doubt that people should be vigilant about their children and who they are spending time with. No one should blindly trust anyone their child is around. But I don't see how you cannot see the hypocrisy in your post. How can you say it's beyond offensive for some people to suggest that posters on this board are pedophiles at the same time as you are defending their insinuations of pedophilia toward someone else they don't know? That is really scary. Nasty insinuations like that should only be made in the face of true evidence or accusations, not based on what someone does for a vocation OR a hobby. That would be like me assuming nurseypants molests or mistreats patients because she's a nurse and there have been cases of nurses doing that in the past. Just ridiculous!
|
|
|
Post by christine58 on Feb 16, 2016 23:01:52 GMT
Sorry christine58 , I did not mean for that to be attributed to you. That's ok...this quoting feature at times is odd no worries @meri-Lyn
|
|
mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
|
Post by mallie on Feb 16, 2016 23:04:41 GMT
so my husband coaches a travel softball team
he started coaching when my oldest was 8 years old. she is now 19.
we did this travel team summer after summer. I enjoyed it because both my girls were on the team and it was essentially family time for us. we made friends, we traveled with the team, we had fun for the most part. but it was a big commitment. we pretty much gave up our summers every year for softball. and we were fine with it because the girls loved it.
so last year was my girls last year of doing travel. my oldest is in college now and she is playing for her school. if she chooses to play this summer it will basically be an adult league that does a couple games a week.
well...my husband decided to take on another team this year. it is made up of the younger girls that were on the team last year plus new girls that they recruited. he knew I wasn't thrilled with this..but I honestly don't think he cared.
I totally get that he enjoys coaching. but travel is a whole other "ball game" its not like coaching a rec team that has games a couple times a week. this team of his practices almost every sunday morning 8-11am. he has away tournaments scheduled, local tournaments that pretty much take up the whole weekend. he has team bonding dates, team dinners, an away tournament for father's day weekend, one for 4th of july weekend... I was fine with all this when both of our girls played but now we aren't even involved. I was really really looking forward to a summer with no commitments. on one hand I feel guilty because I know he enjoys it...but on the other hand I really don't think I am wrong that after 11 years of giving up our summers that I wanted to have a normal one this year and be able to travel, hike, sit by the pool, you name it. my youngest goes to college in the fall..so this will be our last summer before both our girls are away at school. oh and the kicker is...he's already making plans for this team for next summer too....
I don't know..am I being a baby? or would it bother anyone else?? This post reminds me somewhat of that thread about the husband who got a job with fewer hours and was spending all of them at the gym and actually doing less around the house. In both cases, one spouse has made a unilateral decision about how to spend his a substantial portion of his free time without consideration of his partner's desires/needs and family time. That kind of "Me-First" dynamic is detrimental to a healthy relationship. So I think it's past time to have a serious conversation about how your husband views free time and the future of joint time and activities as you become empty nesters. You need to know if he's going to focus on going his own way as a matter of course, if he values coaching above family/couple time or if this was a one time mistake.
|
|
|
Post by flanz on Feb 16, 2016 23:15:14 GMT
I trust my husband. But anything could happen. Some men go crazy when bombarded with attention by someone who isn't asking them to take out the trash, etc, and their egos can explode when they are fawned over. I'm not saying OPs husband would cheat, but it is good to look at situations from all angles. Or he could be like most men (and women) who have control over themselves and don't react to shallow, selfish things like fawning and flaunting. Seriously. It blows my mind that people think that others are automatically going to stray just because they are away from their partners and family. Really brings the whole "ball and chain" thing into perspective and makes me understand why some people refer to or are referred to as such. I'm really not a ball and chain kind of wife. We've been happily married for 33 years and I trust my husband. But life and the experiences of others have taught me that temptation is a powerful force. In OP's situation, I would be very upset that DH was putting this team ahead of his wife and daughters. Period. And all of the travel... I would feel resentful, yes.
|
|
|
Post by flanz on Feb 16, 2016 23:16:16 GMT
No that would not bother me. I would expect my husband to respect me and any similar commitments I would want to make. I also do not feel that I need to control my partner's comings and goings and make his time all about me. He's found something he likes to do and wants to commit to, good for him. He should be encouraged, not discouraged because it takes time away from you and your plans. My husband and I completely respect each other's comings and goings. My problem with this would be the amount of time he would be gone. Having had boys in sports and traveling, I know this is a huge commitment. One team had three hour practices 6 days a week. I had a husband who worked nights and weekends and it does affect the marriage/family to some degree. I can see why she thought they might have more time together. I also can see a more established couple being excited to do the things together that they haven't been able to for years because they have been raising children together. I am in this part of my life also, so I think I am seeing it more from her point of view rather than her trying to be controlling. Marriage is a dance of compromise and telling your partner what you need. If they have raised two grown daughters, she's been doing this for quite some time. For me personally, I love time alone, but I know that not everyone feels the way I do. This!
|
|
Nanner
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,969
Jun 25, 2014 23:13:23 GMT
|
Post by Nanner on Feb 16, 2016 23:40:59 GMT
I'd be ticked off. And I'd certainly let him know it. In fact when he went away on his away games, I'd be going away those weekends too - to the mountains, or a spa weekend or some such thing.
|
|
|
Post by lurkingsince2001 on Feb 17, 2016 0:00:07 GMT
In this day and age, after Sandusky, and the Priest revelations, the scout leaders, and teachers and others in a position of trust that seem to regularly make the news for inappropriate to flat out criminal behavior with kids I think some of us are being naive. Yes, the vast majority of people who give of their time and knowledge have their hearts in the right places. But there are those who don't and peas shouldn't be shamed for keeping an eye out for them. Blindly accepting that "Coach couldn't have done it. He's a good guy." or "but he's done so much for the team/town/school..." or "But he's got a kid on the team or is so and sos dad, he'd never do that..." is how true pedophiles can act unhindered for so long. It's how victims are poo-pooed into the shadows and made afraid to rock the boat. And to insinuate that those who express such concerns must be pedophiles and attributing their own thoughts to others? Well, ladies, I have no words for how offensive that is. Are the peas about resorting to blind insults and gross accusations or veiled innuendo because we don't like what the other is saying? Only the OP knows her DH. She knows him to be a good man, father, and coach. She has no reason to suspect anything other than a gross lack of consideration on his part. She wouldn't be the first wife completely in the dark. But I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt. There are enough problems here with his actions as it is. But my thoughts can't help but move along to other pitfalls in the situation. Do other parents travel regularly to the games? Will he socialize with them outside the game? I'm not saying that he would stray, but that sometimes things get misconstrued between people, some women see married men as a challenge, some people are just naturally flirtatious, and false accusations happen more than we want to admit. There's a reason most doctors, teachers, professors, etc that I know have policies against being alone with someone and the door closed or what have you. It's called CYA and prudent for any responsible adult. Is it paranoia? Or is it being realistic? What you find overacting might be perfectly reasonable to those peas who have been taken advantage of or had their careers nearly ruined by entitled vindictive twits who lashed out when they heard the word "No". As one pea pointed out, we are all talking based on our own experiences here. As Polz basically pointed out from her post, bad things happen to good people and marriages everyday, often hitting you on the blindside. You can recover from it, but that doesn't mean you forget such things are possible. I think the OP is handling this to the best of her ability and it's my hope he evaluates the situation and there's a positive outcome. I doubt there's anything nefarious going on. Accusing him of inappropriateness may well be going too far but (and this is IMO only so feel free to disagree and block me) it's also dangerous to be ignorant of reality and potential pitfalls and not exercise due caution and diligence in covering your butt. Mocking and deriding those who see the world in darker shades than you says more about you than it does them. Be grateful that your life or disposition lets you believe what you do. There is no doubt that people should be vigilant about their children and who they are spending time with. No one should blindly trust anyone their child is around. But I don't see how you cannot see the hypocrisy in your post. How can you say it's beyond offensive for some people to suggest that posters on this board are pedophiles at the same time as you are defending their insinuations of pedophilia toward someone else they don't know? That is really scary. Nasty insinuations like that should only be made in the face of true evidence or accusations, not based on what someone does for a vocation OR a hobby. That would be like me assuming nurseypants molests or mistreats patients because she's a nurse and there have been cases of nurses doing that in the past. Just ridiculous! That would be hypocritical if I meant something like that. In my post I said "Accusing him of inappropriateness may well be going too far" and pointed out that "Only the OP knows her DH" therefore we are not in a position to accuse or truly speculate. Although that's never stopped the peas before, as any "is my DH acting suspicious" thread well illustrates. If someone did flat out accuse him of such then I'd think that would be going too far and if there is a post explicitly stating that then I missed it. (Perhaps I have the poster on ignore.) The only one that I saw that edged close to that was when one pea advised she'd wonder why her DH wanted to spend so much time with a group of young girls. Semantics yes. But not an outright accusation. Substitute "group of young girls" with "co-workers, best friend's wife" and those are all conversations I've seen on here before. I guess my mind didn't go as deep as some. Stating that she should question his motivation I took personally as a caution that some people, as illustrated later, would jump to conclusions or make assumptions, that gossip might start, etc.. Other peas later posted their own cautions and personal experiences. They were overlooked in the made dash to jump on the grenade and their points dismissed as paranoid, reactionary, unrealistic. That's neither fair nor conducive to conversation. My point was that the name calling and insinuations were uncalled for and beneath us as a community and if that's all you bring to an argument you are not considering the other side. As you said, more concisely than I, being vigilant and aware is a good thing. When it crosses the line to automatically accusing with no basis, well that's how witch hunts get started. I can't and won't back or defend that, so apologies if I missed that. My point is that some of our life experiences make us less trusting and more sensitive to certain behaviors and to point it out in a "heads up" or "hey this is what happened to me way" doesn't make them cheaters or pedophiles or whatever. Yes, projecting does happen but it seems unlikely to me in this instance. IMO aggressive, unreasonable, and insulting behavior has been exhibited by some of these posters before and I couldn't let it pass.
|
|
Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,770
Location: Kentucky
Jun 25, 2014 20:31:44 GMT
|
Post by Kerri W on Feb 17, 2016 0:17:32 GMT
This post reminds me somewhat of that thread about the husband who got a job with fewer hours and was spending all of them at the gym and actually doing less around the house. In both cases, one spouse has made a unilateral decision about how to spend his a substantial portion of his free time without consideration of his partner's desires/needs and family time. That kind of "Me-First" dynamic is detrimental to a healthy relationship. Ok but why is it ok for the wife to decide how the husband needs to spend his summer? Isn't she making a unilateral decision for him? Isn't she failing to consider how her partner desires/needs to spend his free time? You're right...that kind of "me-first" dynamic *is* detrimental to a healthy relationship.
|
|
luckyexwife
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,067
Jun 25, 2014 21:21:08 GMT
|
Post by luckyexwife on Feb 17, 2016 0:21:50 GMT
This post reminds me somewhat of that thread about the husband who got a job with fewer hours and was spending all of them at the gym and actually doing less around the house. In both cases, one spouse has made a unilateral decision about how to spend his a substantial portion of his free time without consideration of his partner's desires/needs and family time. That kind of "Me-First" dynamic is detrimental to a healthy relationship. Ok but why is it ok for the wife to decide how the husband needs to spend his summer? Isn't she making a unilateral decision for him? Isn't she failing to consider how her partner desires/needs to spend his free time? You're right...that kind of "me-first" dynamic *is* detrimental to a healthy relationship. It's not, that is where compromise comes in. Perhaps coaching a local rec team, or being the assistant coach of the travel team and not going to every game.
|
|
Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,770
Location: Kentucky
Jun 25, 2014 20:31:44 GMT
|
Post by Kerri W on Feb 17, 2016 0:31:44 GMT
luckyexwife-I agree with you. Compromise is the key. But that's not what the majority are alluding to. The DH is being raked over the coals for being "selfish" when the wife deciding how he is going to spend his summer doing what she wants is equally as "selfish."
|
|
AmeliaBloomer
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,842
Location: USA
Jun 26, 2014 5:01:45 GMT
|
Post by AmeliaBloomer on Feb 17, 2016 0:37:29 GMT
Do you have this same view of male teachers? I don't, because teaching is a vocation, not a hobby. My, what a lively thread. At least anecdotally, in my world, all five accused abusers I know of were working for pay (3 teachers) (2 priests), and none were hobbyists (0 volunteers). Regardless, that hasn't resulted in me being more suspicious of professionals than volunteers. And it damn sure wouldn't make me question the motives of a total stranger in a forum community like ours.
|
|
mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
|
Post by mallie on Feb 17, 2016 1:14:36 GMT
This post reminds me somewhat of that thread about the husband who got a job with fewer hours and was spending all of them at the gym and actually doing less around the house. In both cases, one spouse has made a unilateral decision about how to spend his a substantial portion of his free time without consideration of his partner's desires/needs and family time. That kind of "Me-First" dynamic is detrimental to a healthy relationship. Ok but why is it ok for the wife to decide how the husband needs to spend his summer? Isn't she making a unilateral decision for him? Isn't she failing to consider how her partner desires/needs to spend his free time? You're right...that kind of "me-first" dynamic *is* detrimental to a healthy relationship. That's why discussions need to happen. Not unilateral decisions. They both need to know what the other person needs and wants. A healthy relationship involves compromise and the willingness to meet the other person's needs while also respecting one's own needs. Their needs are equally important, BUT in order to have a relationship, you need to make an effort to meet each other's needs and compromise. You also have to spend time together. When a spouse make a unilateral decision that affects their spouse and/or chooses an activity that essentially takes up the vast majority of their free time, that says everything about priorities. And I fail to see how wanting to spend time with your spouse and have your children's father spend time with their children is selfish. That's nurturing a relationship.
|
|
braveschica
Shy Member
Posts: 14
Feb 13, 2016 15:37:17 GMT
|
Post by braveschica on Feb 17, 2016 1:56:10 GMT
I can see how his decision might have hurt her feelings and expectations but I fail to see how it is selfish. I don't think it's appropriate to call him selfish for essentially giving his time and keeping up his commitment to all those other girls who have looked up to him and relied on him as a coach for years. To me, it's more selfish to demand he give it up and leave all those girls with no coach. It's understandable to want to have family time but harsh to make him give up something he loves and if he won't, claim he is selfish. For those who have never played at that level, you can't just sub in any parent or volunteer for a head coach. To coach at that level, you need to have solid knowledge of the game and the skills required to play at that level. It requires the commitment to the sport and the team - not just your own children. My coach had a daughter on the team that graduated a few years before me and now, ten years later, he is still coaching that program. Especially in a small area like I'm from, who knows how long it would take to find another coach with the skills and dedication to fill that role? I commend him for stepping up! Honestly, we all have hobbies and activities that are expensive and time consuming. Two peas was a scrap poking website after all! I can only imagine the outbursts here if someone's husband asked her to take a year off of scrapbooking because the scrap time and crops were using all of the free time! Add up the time we spend on our crafting over the year and I'm sure it would equal or surpass the time he spends on the team in the summer. OP, maybe you could talk to him about giving up his referee things in the other seasons if he wants to continue coaching softball in the summer? That could be a good compromise. Oh, and my coach's wife was hardly ever at our games and *gasp* no one was ever molested or treated inappropriately. Except for maybe our coach when we would mock him for messing up during a demonstration And *double gasp*, on some of our out of town tournaments, we would rent a house and all the coaches and players stayed under one roof!! Still no molesting or cheating. It's one thing to teach kids to know what is appropriate and not, but a completely different thing to cast suspicion on ANY adult that volunteers time with kids.
|
|
my3freaks
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,206
Location: NH girl living in Colorado
Jun 26, 2014 4:10:56 GMT
|
Post by my3freaks on Feb 18, 2016 4:36:11 GMT
Yes i feel the same way if a women was coaching a all male team and did not have a child on the team. There is no need for them to be coaching. What about same sex adults, but with no child of their own playing any longer? Are they a pervert now because they are older and their own kids have moved on? My father coached little league for my brother and softball for me. After we got older, and long after we'd stopped playing, he reffed for both all boys little league and all girls softball leagues. He loves the game, he loved teaching the game and he loved seeing kids learn it and love it, both boys and girls. God help the person that calls him a fucking pervert where I can hear it.
|
|