peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,616
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Feb 16, 2016 16:43:10 GMT
So, is a woman who stays in Girl Scouts after her daughters have graduated creepy? Is a man who stays in Boy Scouts after his kids have graduated creepy? It.is.the.same.thing.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Feb 16, 2016 16:45:06 GMT
Since he no longer has children in the sport and it's a all girls team . It's kinda creepy Thinking that makes you kinda creepy.
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Post by mom on Feb 16, 2016 16:47:03 GMT
I am kinda torn - I see both sides of it.
Yes, it would hurt me that he didnt talk to me about it ahead of time. BUT this has been his life for the past 11 years. It was working & you said everyone had a good time. Maybe he doesn't realize it wont be fun without the girls?
In my marriage, we do somethings together - but a lot of the time we do things either alone or with other people. He takes his bike out - I go on a girls weekend. I don't sit at home fuming because he is doing something I don't want to. I just get up and go do my own thing.
Re: Father's Day - if he is doing what he wants to do, then shouldn't you be happy? A time will come when your kids don't come home for every holiday. As long as your DH feels loved and is doing what he wants to for the day, isn't that all that matters?
And for holiday weekends like July 4 - couldn't you go along for the ride and have a good time? You don't have to go every weekend but maybe you could go on the holiday weekends since you would like family time?
Its a season of your life - work with him and come up with a time/day each week that you can have family time. Then you do your thing and let him do his.
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Deleted
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May 18, 2024 14:08:57 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2016 16:48:34 GMT
Since he no longer has children in the sport and it's a all girls team . It's kinda creepy Really you should just shut the fuck up. How is it creepy how is he setting himself up for a bad situation? How the hell did we get to a place where men can't be around children or teenage girls without it looking like they want to abuse them? That's a fucked way of thinking. Newsflash:- women abuse too. Do you look at every woman who works with kids as a top shelf pervert?
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Post by nurseypants on Feb 16, 2016 16:51:10 GMT
I would be very bothered and wonder why he needs to spend so much time with teen-aged girls. Do you have this same view of male teachers? I don't, because teaching is a vocation, not a hobby.
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tduby1
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,979
Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on Feb 16, 2016 16:53:52 GMT
OP, it probably would bother me and I own that is a totally selfish reaction. Selfish doesn't always equal bad, I don't think. I compromise would make me feel better but I don't know what that would be. Sorry.
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tduby1
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,979
Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on Feb 16, 2016 16:54:38 GMT
Do you have this same view of male teachers? I don't, because teaching is a vocation, not a hobby. I am not understanding the distinction. Care to elaborate?
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Post by BoilerUp! on Feb 16, 2016 17:01:55 GMT
I would be bothered by his lack of concern for your summer time, as well as your older kids. But, if he made that decision, and you don't want to go to his tournaments, I would do exactly what you said, and do the things that you would like to do. If he is fortunate enough to get to spend some time with you and your kids, good for him. If he isn't, sorry - not sorry! He decided on what his summer priorities were, not you! Enjoy your time.
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Post by darkangel090260 on Feb 16, 2016 17:02:18 GMT
Yes i feel the same way if a women was coaching a all male team and did not have a child on the team. There is no need for them to be coaching.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,616
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Feb 16, 2016 17:06:26 GMT
Yes i feel the same way if a women was coaching a all male team and did not have a child on the team. There is no need for them to be coaching. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find coaches? Not every parent can or will coach. Our town is filled with mothers and fathers who continue to volunteer their time for teams long past their children's involvement because 1. they enjoy it and are good at it and 2. the volunteer coaches are needed. If they didn't do it, the teams might fold.
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Post by ilikepink on Feb 16, 2016 17:08:21 GMT
I'm also thinking he's being selfish a bit. But also handling his "empty nest" the way he thinks he should. He may abandon it after a year because it won't the same without his girls/family being a part of the team.
When my boys were in scouts, the committee chairperson was a woman who had done the job for 12 or so years. Her boys were long out of cub scouts, and even out of high school. She was good at the job; so good that she felt no one could fill her shoes. Until I cam along, and got roped in. But I only did it while my boys were active in the pack. I remember the look on the faces of the parents when I said I don't care what you do, but I will not be doing this job next year. I'm not her (prior chairperson).
OP, you have every reason to be upset, but he will probably get over this sooner than you think.
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tduby1
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,979
Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on Feb 16, 2016 17:09:13 GMT
Yes i feel the same way if a women was coaching a all male team and did not have a child on the team. There is no need for them to be coaching. Why?
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Feb 16, 2016 17:10:23 GMT
Yes i feel the same way if a women was coaching a all male team and did not have a child on the team. There is no need for them to be coaching. You are an idiot, plain and simple. Basically, you think everyone is a predator in waiting. Are you a predator? Is your husband? What about your children? No. Yeah, you're still an idiot making idiotic presumptions about people. You are part of the problem. Get your head out of your ass and realise how dangerous your assumptions are.
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Post by christine58 on Feb 16, 2016 17:11:18 GMT
Since he no longer has children in the sport and it's a all girls team . It's kinda creepy You're another one with no clue! There are many HS girls' basketball coaches who don't have daughters that are playing...so they are all creeps??? Again..this comment says way more about you. Funny how your mind and others go right to a sexual aspect.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Feb 16, 2016 17:12:32 GMT
Since he no longer has children in the sport and it's a all girls team . It's kinda creepy You're another one with no clue! There are many HS girls' basketball coaches who don't have daughters that are playing...so they are all creeps??? Again..this comment says way more about you. Funny how your mind and others go right to a sexual aspect. It actually makes me wonder if they have the "unsafe" thoughts and think it's normal for others to have the same thoughts, rather than being rational and realising that the boogey man (or woman) isn't lurking behind every bush.
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Post by darkangel090260 on Feb 16, 2016 17:18:29 GMT
Children and teen are most likely to be assaulted by someone they know and trust.
Also all it takes now days is one girl getting piss off can clamming he touch her in a way that made her feel unconformable to turn in to one hell of a mess.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 14:08:57 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2016 17:19:10 GMT
Yes i feel the same way if a women was coaching a all male team and did not have a child on the team. There is no need for them to be coaching. I worked with children for years, I don't have children. Was I in your opinion a danger to them, was there no need for me to do that job? Your thought process here is baffling to me.
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tduby1
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,979
Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on Feb 16, 2016 17:20:06 GMT
You're another one with no clue! There are many HS girls' basketball coaches who don't have daughters that are playing...so they are all creeps??? Again..this comment says way more about you. Funny how your mind and others go right to a sexual aspect. It actually makes me wonder if they have the "unsafe" thoughts and think it's normal for others to have the same thoughts, rather than being rational and realising that the boogey man (or woman) isn't lurking behind every bush. I gotta be honest, I am not being sarcastic here, my thought is the ones making these assumptions and comments have men in their lives they can't trust around children. It is the only explanation that makes sense.
I am very well versed on child molestation and have way more personal knowledge than I care to admit but it is stupid to think every man is a molester. There are signs to watch out for and enjoying sports and partaking in them in a coaching position has NEVER been one of them. That isn't to say coaches (and teachers and uncles, and cousins and clergy and parents and etc) haven't molested a child before but so have teachers and uncles and cousins and clergy and parents but these same people are not insisting it is creepy for all of those people to want to work with/ we with children of the opposite sex.
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Post by jennyap on Feb 16, 2016 17:21:06 GMT
Children and teen are most likely to be assaulted by someone they know and trust. Also all it takes now days is one girl getting piss off can clamming he touch her in a way that made her feel unconformable to turn in to one hell of a mess. Having a DD in the team makes that no less true. SMDH
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tduby1
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,979
Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on Feb 16, 2016 17:22:58 GMT
Children and teen are most likely to be assaulted by someone they know and trust. Also all it takes now days is one girl getting piss off can clamming he touch her in a way that made her feel unconformable to turn in to one hell of a mess. This is true. Also true is that person is just as apt to be a family member as they are to be a coach. Are you as suspicious about your husband showing an interest in spending time with your child? Should your husband be concerned about your desire to be with your children. If not you are a hypocrite.
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Post by jennyap on Feb 16, 2016 17:26:22 GMT
And answering the original question, yes, I would be bothered. It sounds like he has already made the commitment for this year, so I wouldn't make as big a deal out of it as I might want to (he needs to stick to that commitment IMO) but I'd make it clear I'd expect him to discuss any future commitments with me and consider my needs as well before agreeing to anything beyond this year. I'm also thinking he's being selfish a bit. But also handling his "empty nest" the way he thinks he should. You may be right about that, but the effect is that it leaves the OP handling an even emptier nest because she won't have her DH to lean on while he's off coaching.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Feb 16, 2016 17:33:00 GMT
It actually makes me wonder if they have the "unsafe" thoughts and think it's normal for others to have the same thoughts, rather than being rational and realising that the boogey man (or woman) isn't lurking behind every bush. I gotta be honest, I am not being sarcastic here, my thought is the ones making these assumptions and comments have men in their lives they can't trust around children. It is the only explanation that makes sense.
I am very well versed on child molestation and have way more personal knowledge than I care to admit but it is stupid to think every man is a molester. There are signs to watch out for and enjoying sports and partaking in them in a coaching position has NEVER been one of them. That isn't to say coaches (and teachers and uncles, and cousins and clergy and parents and etc) haven't molested a child before but so have teachers and uncles and cousins and clergy and parents but these same people are not insisting it is creepy for all of those people to want to work with/ we with children of the opposite sex.
Or even of the same sex. It's baffling that same sex coaches or whatever are considered always safe, but opposite sex ones are always considered unsafe.
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tduby1
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,979
Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on Feb 16, 2016 17:37:46 GMT
I gotta be honest, I am not being sarcastic here, my thought is the ones making these assumptions and comments have men in their lives they can't trust around children. It is the only explanation that makes sense.
I am very well versed on child molestation and have way more personal knowledge than I care to admit but it is stupid to think every man is a molester. There are signs to watch out for and enjoying sports and partaking in them in a coaching position has NEVER been one of them. That isn't to say coaches (and teachers and uncles, and cousins and clergy and parents and etc) haven't molested a child before but so have teachers and uncles and cousins and clergy and parents but these same people are not insisting it is creepy for all of those people to want to work with/ we with children of the opposite sex.
Or even of the same sex. It's baffling that same sex coaches or whatever are considered always safe, but opposite sex ones are always considered unsafe. This is true and I absolutely agree. I only mentioned the opposite sex because that seems to be what these people are fixated on. That and the fact that men are the sole culprit.
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deanne525
Shy Member
Posts: 22
Jul 10, 2015 21:56:27 GMT
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Post by deanne525 on Feb 16, 2016 17:41:26 GMT
I don't like the turn this thread has taken
I totally appreciate everyone's responses, even the ones that don't necessarily agree with me. But...to insinuate that someone is up to no good simply because they like teaching a sport is utterly ridiculous and frankly very sad. Im so glad I don't live my life in fear of every man that comes in contact with my daughters.
I am very glad he has a hobby. Like I have explained to him numerous times..everyone deserves to have a hobby they love. That being said, not everyones hobby is so time consuming. Unfortunately when married with children we cant always do everything we want to do. There may be things we have to put on the back burner for the sake of others in the house. I think after doing this for so long we deserve to have 1 summer where we have no commitments. I never asked him to give it up completely, but I don't think it would kill him to take a break for a summer or 2. That is just my opinion. I also do not need him around me all the time...I probably do more on my own then with him. Whats done is done for this summer and I will make the best of it. It certainly would have been nice to have a whole summer to plan things though..
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Feb 16, 2016 17:43:32 GMT
Or even of the same sex. It's baffling that same sex coaches or whatever are considered always safe, but opposite sex ones are always considered unsafe. This is true and I absolutely agree. I only mentioned the opposite sex because that seems to be what these people are fixated on. That and the fact that men are the sole culprit. Oh I concur with you. It's always the men that are "dangerous", that's why you rarely see men teachers or caregivers... because idiots like cycworker and darkangel and their contemporaries have cast men in this "dangerous" role for no valid reason.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Feb 16, 2016 17:45:21 GMT
My husband has a hobby that sucks up a ton of time for about 6-8 weeks of the year including out of state travel. Right now our kids are also involved, but I'd be shocked frankly if he gives it up when our children are off to college. He LOVES it - and it's a huge break from his 9-5 job staring at a computer screen all day. I am totally supportive. I think if someone finds something they really enjoy, they should do it. Sure it's a pain for those couple months to not have some help schlepping their kids to their activities - and our family dinners take a hit. But, I don't have any concerns about our marriage - nor do I need him to entertain me 365 days of the year. I wonder if the OP's husband is as interested in the summer activities she's been looking forward to - hiking, travel and sitting around the pool. It may be that he really doesn't enjoy them and she should find someone else to spend those interests with. I think ever couple is different in terms of how much time they want to spend together and how involved they are in other things. Maybe it would be different if my husband traveled for work or was otherwise not around. He's blessed with an extremely flexible job that allows him a fair amount of family time the rest of the year. I'm happy to support him - just as he supports my mother-daughter vacations and weekends away with my friends.
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deanne525
Shy Member
Posts: 22
Jul 10, 2015 21:56:27 GMT
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Post by deanne525 on Feb 16, 2016 17:53:24 GMT
My husband has a hobby that sucks up a ton of time for about 6-8 weeks of the year including out of state travel. Right now our kids are also involved, but I'd be shocked frankly if he gives it up when our children are off to college. He LOVES it - and it's a huge break from his 9-5 job staring at a computer screen all day. I am totally supportive. I think if someone finds something they really enjoy, they should do it. Sure it's a pain for those couple months to not have some help schlepping their kids to their activities - and our family dinners take a hit. But, I don't have any concerns about our marriage - nor do I need him to entertain me 365 days of the year. I wonder if the OP's husband is as interested in the summer activities she's been looking forward to - hiking, travel and sitting around the pool. It may be that he really doesn't enjoy them and she should find someone else to spend those interests with. I think ever couple is different in terms of how much time they want to spend together and how involved they are in other things. Maybe it would be different if my husband traveled for work or was otherwise not around. He's blessed with an extremely flexible job that allows him a fair amount of family time the rest of the year. I'm happy to support him - just as he supports my mother-daughter vacations and weekends away with my friends. please see my response above. I actually do far more without my husband then with him. On top of working a full time job he also ref's volleyball, ref's basketball in the winter and coaches this team. Between both my girls, my sister, friends, and other family I always have someone to do something with. Perhaps Im being selfish, but we haven't had 1 normal summer in 11 years. the thoughts of having no commitments and time to plan activities the both of us enjoy just sounded really nice for a summer or 2. and yes..he does like to travel, hike and sit by the pool with us, among other things. they were just some examples.
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Post by flanz on Feb 16, 2016 17:57:49 GMT
Yeah, it would bother me. My husband did this exact thing for 10 years. DD quit four years ago but DH stuck with it in an officiating capacity for six more. Last year, he met a woman and had an emotional affair. We're over it but it has been super, super tough. He has given it up (well, he didn't have a choice - me or his hobby. And no, it's not an ultimatum. It's a choice). Too much time away is not good for your family. Yes, your husband should have a hobby, but not one that is so time consuming. And one where he is surrounded by a lot of young beautiful women who probably fawn all over him! I'm not saying he's an adulterer, but there will likely be temptations, especially since you don't plan to be there... I'd be really hurt, in your shoes. I have a dh who works seven days a week at a job he loves, and I'm mostly okay with that. But in your situation, I would be upset. Especially since he is choosing this team over spending this precious time with you and his daughters before your youngest goes off to college. (((hugs)))
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Deleted
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May 18, 2024 14:08:57 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2016 18:06:53 GMT
And one where he is surrounded by a lot of young beautiful women who probably fawn all over him! I'm not saying he's an adulterer, but there will likely be temptations, especially since you don't plan to be there... Ya know men should definitely never be allowed out unless they have their partners to keep an eye on them. They obviously can not be trusted...
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Post by mellowyellow on Feb 16, 2016 18:09:03 GMT
I can totally see both sides of it. I played tournament softball all through high school and went to college to play ball too. I had the same coaches all throughout and they were phenomenal! There were 4 males and they put their heart and soul into it year after year. As a player, I appreciated them staying around after their daughters were finished playing because they knew how to get college scouts to come and look at us. They picked the right tournaments to get us the most exposure.
Now on the flip side.....it does take a TON of time. I mean literally every single weekend we were gone playing in tournaments so I can definitely see OP's frustration. I feel he definitely should have talked to his wife before taking on that commitment.
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