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Post by melanell on Apr 3, 2016 1:34:11 GMT
I would not co-sign the loan for him. I just wouldn't. Unless you are perfectly happy with gifting a car to her, which is very possibly what would ultimately happen. She'll be driving the new car, leaving your DS with the POS car, and quite possibly spending the money he's supposed to be using to pay for it. He has to decide that he doesn't want to live like this. He has to decide that it isn't right the way she controls him. And until he does, I don't think you can trust that he'll be able to stand up to her in regards to making the payment he is responsible for. As for talking to him---I don't know. I think it could be helpful, but it depends so much on how he's feeling right now about everything that has happened in the past and how things are going now. hugs to you and best of luck with whatever you decide.
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Deleted
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Sept 28, 2024 21:05:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2016 1:35:58 GMT
One more thing: I think getting him a job where you work is a really. bad. idea. You are probably right. While he is a very good employee at the jobs he has had I do worry about the impact the GF will have on him with this job. I actually told our HR Director that's my only concern and after last night I'm more convinced it's not a good idea.
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Post by Drew on Apr 3, 2016 1:44:44 GMT
There's no way I'd encourage him to apply at my workplace. You think you're overwhelmed with him and gf now, just wait until he's working at your office.
His career is not your business, his mode of transportation isn't, who he lives with isn't, etc. I think you need to stop caretaking and just be there when he comes to you. Let him fail at solving his own problems then ask for help before you step in.
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Post by cannmom on Apr 3, 2016 1:50:00 GMT
It sounds as if this job would be something that could really be a huge improvement in his life. Do you think he would do a good job and make it work or is he likely to screw the job up? If I thought he would be able to handle the job I would give him a car. I don't know if your finances allow you to have that option, but it doesn't have to be a brand new car. There are tons of affordable good cars out there. I just think that the opportunity to go from working 2 part time jobs to 1 full time job with benefits is really something that can be life changing. If I thought that he was ready to handle having a serious job and would do his best at it I would try to help anyway I could. I would let them know they were on their own for insurance and upkeep, but I would just give him a car. I would not co-sign under any circumstances.
Just read your previous post that you aren't sure about him working at the same company as you. In that situation I would stay out of it. Let them handle things on their own. Sometimes we do have to learn the hard way. If she and he aren't able to appreciate how great an opportunity full time employment with benefits is they need to have to struggle on their own a little more. Too bad her parents are enabling them by letting them live with them. She has probably learned some of her behaviors from home. Good luck with everything.
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Deleted
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Sept 28, 2024 21:05:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2016 2:11:44 GMT
One more thing: I think getting him a job where you work is a really. bad. idea. You are probably right. While he is a very good employee at the jobs he has had I do worry about the impact the GF will have on him with this job. I actually told our HR Director that's my only concern and after last night I'm more convinced it's not a good idea. I'm sorry to jump in here and criticize you right off the bat, because I know you love him and you are a caring mom. This above is overstepping - you shouldn't be telling his potential HR manager that kind of personal information about him, anymore than you should be trying to control his relationship or career decisions. He's 20, and right now, he's really good at it. Mediocre direction, impulsive, poor decisions - he's doing all the things many 20-year-olds do. Let him figure these things out, if you can. Don't be the other woman in his life who is trying to control him for his own good. I'm sorry to be harsh, but I think you are overly enmeshed and it's not going to work anyway, so you may as well back off for your own sanity.
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Deleted
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Sept 28, 2024 21:05:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2016 2:24:29 GMT
This above is overstepping - you shouldn't be telling his potential HR manager that kind of personal information about him, Your probably right. I'm the Director of Finance so the Director of HR knows everything about him already. Our Admin team has walked this path with us for the past year. She adores him but she always knows his faults and weaknesses.
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Post by mom on Apr 3, 2016 2:25:26 GMT
You are probably right. While he is a very good employee at the jobs he has had I do worry about the impact the GF will have on him with this job. I actually told our HR Director that's my only concern and after last night I'm more convinced it's not a good idea. I'm sorry to jump in here and criticize you right off the bat, because I know you love him and you are a caring mom. This above is overstepping - you shouldn't be telling his potential HR manager that kind of personal information about him, anymore than you should be trying to control his relationship or career decisions. He's 20, and right now, he's really good at it. Mediocre direction, impulsive, poor decisions - he's doing all the things many 20-year-olds do. Let him figure these things out, if you can. Don't be the other woman in his life who is trying to control him for his own good. I'm sorry to be harsh, but I think you are overly enmeshed and it's not going to work anyway, so you may as well back off for your own sanity. I completely agree. As much as I see the GF with control issues - I see the same qualities in Mom. I know she means well but give the kid some space and quit butting in at every turn. He is going to run as far away as he can if she doesn't let go of control.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Apr 3, 2016 2:26:01 GMT
One more thing: I think getting him a job where you work is a really. bad. idea. You are probably right. While he is a very good employee at the jobs he has had I do worry about the impact the GF will have on him with this job. I actually told our HR Director that's my only concern and after last night I'm more convinced it's not a good idea. I cannot believe you mentioned your being concerned about your sons personal life to a potential employer. You just want to control and/or have a say in every aspect of his life..why do you think he is with her??? Because she's like his own mother. Smh
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Post by annabella on Apr 3, 2016 2:28:49 GMT
Are they still getting married? I'm surprised you would jeopardize his potential hiring by talking to your HR director. Your son needs to grow a backbone and make decisions for himself. If he's going to make double the income then clearly he can buy a car, why does he defer to her?
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Post by mom on Apr 3, 2016 2:31:26 GMT
You are probably right. While he is a very good employee at the jobs he has had I do worry about the impact the GF will have on him with this job. I actually told our HR Director that's my only concern and after last night I'm more convinced it's not a good idea. I cannot believe you mentioned your being concerned about your sons personal life to a potential employer. You just want to control and/or have a say in every aspect of his life..why do you think he is with her??? Because she's like his own mother. Smh I agree. Cut the cord already!
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Post by mom on Apr 3, 2016 2:34:22 GMT
This above is overstepping - you shouldn't be telling his potential HR manager that kind of personal information about him, Your probably right. I'm the Director of Finance so the Director of HR knows everything about him already. Our Admin team has walked this path with us for the past year. She adores him but she always knows his faults and weaknesses. Um, no. Just because she walked this path with you does not mean she knows the ins-and-outs of your sons personal life. What you did is wrong (even if she had inklings of his character and problems at home). You threw your son under the bus seemingly because he didnt jump at what you told him to do. That makes me sad for him.
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Post by lancermom on Apr 3, 2016 2:46:29 GMT
So so sorry. My DD20, just ended a similar relationship, but throw in no ambition/lazy with him. When I finally had her alone I told her she had to ask herself two questions in front of a mirror. Am I happy I this situation right now? Will I be happy 10, 20 years down the road if this situation does not change? If she answered no to just one, then she should leave. It took about a month and her secretly moving her stuff back home. But she left, she is now dating someone else and is very happy,
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Apr 3, 2016 3:00:21 GMT
Sadly you have to continue to let her control him until he gets tired of it and dumps her ass! He needs to figure things out on his own. Doesn't mean you can't be a soft place to land, but let him figure out he needs that place to land on his own.
I have a ds about a year younger than yours and we had a rough summer... We didn't have the girlfriend issue, although I was secretly referring to his best friend as the girlfriend because he was interfering and controlling like one. He'd tell ds to jump and ds would. And while that alone wasn't the problem ds and I were at each other to the point he didn't live here for about 4 months. ds had gotten a job with a really good company in our area and the friend was working this fly by night job and wanted ds to work it too. Of course ds was going along with it and "hated" his job, meanwhile I was ready to freak out. The whole situation was just one crazy thing after another.
Anyway long story short, he's home again and he's had a complete attitude change. Gone is the obstinate, pia who left this summer. He returned with the sweet personality he usually had before last year. Thankfully he figured out on his own that he had a good job and the other one was not for him. He's been at his job 9 months now and just got promoted! He grew up a lot while he was out (and my eyes opened too to him needing to figure things out on his own and that he could do it successfully.)
My main goal while he was out was to connect with him and not nag/give my opinion while doing so. I tried to catch him for breakfast once every week or two and just have a nice no stress hour with him. I'd just keep trying to connect with him without giving opinions or trying to change the situation. Wouldn't offer advice, jobs or car loans. Like others have said she'll be driving it and you'll be paying for it so they don't ruin your credit. Hopefully one of these days he'll figure out that she is not for him!
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Apr 3, 2016 3:03:48 GMT
You are probably right. While he is a very good employee at the jobs he has had I do worry about the impact the GF will have on him with this job. I actually told our HR Director that's my only concern and after last night I'm more convinced it's not a good idea. I cannot believe you mentioned your being concerned about your sons personal life to a potential employer.You just want to control and/or have a say in every aspect of his life..why do you think he is with her??? Because she's like his own mother. Smh ^^^ I'm guessing the conversations were more like talking to a co-worker about something going on at home, before there was ever an inkling of a position being open at the workplace and before she thought about her son being the right person for it. Sometimes you want / need to vent to your co-workers about what's going on at home, get an outside opinion, whatever. IF that IS the case, then I ALSO think it is a VERY bad idea for him to get a job at your workplace, because there will always be the Mom/son relationship between the two of you AND because the HR director already knows all about his personal history and the issues you have between the two of you. That can't be 'un-learned' by the HR manager at this point. ETA: and for once, I agree with Yubon Peatlejuice; it's not the girlfriend that's the issue, it's your SON. He needs to decide he's grown-up enough that he doesn't want his girlfriend (or YOU) to tell him what he should do. And you can't change that about him by getting into his business, helping him get a job, or co-signing a loan on a car. Only HE can change that about himself. And maybe he doesn't want to. (my older brother isn't quite like Yubon's brother, but almost- he didn't get married till he was in his late 40s, and his wife is older than him. She pretty much runs things in their relationship, and that's the way he likes it, apparently. Some men are just like that.)
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Post by Zee on Apr 3, 2016 3:05:28 GMT
If the boss is even a fraction as familiar with this saga as we are, he's not even in the running anyway.
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Deleted
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Sept 28, 2024 21:05:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2016 3:17:38 GMT
Your son is old enough to stand up for himself if he choses to. I think you just need to be the soft place he can land if/when this relationship blows up. I would say nothing. ^^Yes, this.^^ mom also makes some very valid points. Let your son learn, even when it's the hard way. Stay out of it and just be there for him to help pick up the pieces. Having been there and done that, the above advice is the best you'll get. Distance yourself, as hard as it is to do. Nothing you say or do is going to 'fix' this; your DS has to navigate this himself if he is going to learn anything at all. And under no circumstances do you become financially involved. Please. It will be a nightmare if you do, trust me. So sorry you are going through this. My DS is now 30 and is finally getting his life together and I couldn't be more proud of him. That day will come for you and your DS, too, but you have to let him get there on his own. L
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Post by jumperhop on Apr 3, 2016 3:42:16 GMT
This is the girl he chose, this is the life he chose, this is what he wants. Let him make his own decisions. Smile, hope for the best but stay out of it. Jen
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Post by 950nancy on Apr 3, 2016 3:42:48 GMT
Do you know what the gf's plan for the money is? I would imagine a wedding. I cannot imagine telling a man he could not buy a car.
I do agree that you need to step back and let him figure this out. I also think you should try to be a soft place to land if needed. It will be easier for him to get out if he knows you will be there for him and not tell him I told you so. No one wants to hear that.
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Post by Yubon Peatlejuice on Apr 3, 2016 3:51:59 GMT
This above is overstepping - you shouldn't be telling his potential HR manager that kind of personal information about him, Your probably right. I'm the Director of Finance so the Director of HR knows everything about him already. Our Admin team has walked this path with us for the past year. She adores him but she always knows his faults and weaknesses. So in other words..... You are "that person" who over-shares at work. There's no way he can work there now.
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Deleted
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Sept 28, 2024 21:05:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2016 4:09:41 GMT
Ten bucks says that the something else she wants to spend the money on is a baby. Or at the very least she's going to the him to her with a baby.
My DH was a dumbass in his late teens and 20s. Thank goodness no children worn born from his dumbassedness.
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Post by melanell on Apr 3, 2016 4:40:34 GMT
Ten bucks says that the something else she wants to spend the money on is a baby. Or at the very least she's going to the him to her with a baby. My DH was a dumbass in his late teens and 20s. Thank goodness no children worn born from his dumbassedness. The whole time I was reading the OP I was thinking "Please don't let this girl get pregnant, because then he'll be stuck with a tie to her forever.". At least now he can still wise up and cut all ties if he wants to.
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Country Ham
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,314
Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on Apr 3, 2016 4:46:57 GMT
The simple fact is that they are shacked up, living together, whatever you want to call it. Therefor they 'should' be making major purchasing decisions together as a couple and not with mommy or daddy. Also mommy/daddy shouldn't be co signing loans for kids who think are mature enough to be living together as if they were a married couple.
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Post by alexa11 on Apr 3, 2016 4:52:14 GMT
I know it's hard, but I would step away for all of the reasons already given. Hang in there- he will grow up one day.
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zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
Jul 7, 2014 19:36:30 GMT
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Post by zella on Apr 3, 2016 4:52:50 GMT
Yep, I'd intervene. 20 is still SO young and his brain isn't fully developed. Clearly he isn't thinking things through like he shoud, and he needs to stand up and be firm. He wants this job? He needs this job? Then girlfriend needs a wakeup call. Go for it, Mom.
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Post by papersilly on Apr 3, 2016 4:58:10 GMT
You need to reserve your disgust and life raft for when she is pregnant. Can you imagine the drama that will sprout out of that? I agree with others who said don't do sign on a car loan. I suspect drama will come out of that too.
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Post by mlynn on Apr 3, 2016 5:02:22 GMT
Being she wants to get married so badly and wants the dream wedding, you would think she would be totally on board for this new job.
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,402
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Apr 3, 2016 6:58:37 GMT
Don't throw any money at them.
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,012
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Apr 3, 2016 7:55:00 GMT
Since the beginning of this stage of your son's life the peas have offered good advice and you have been open to hearing and acting on that advice. If I was you, I would continue to listen to the peas, they have guided you well over the years.
This is the path he has decided to walk, he needs to come to the conclusion, all by himself, that the view and destination is not for him.
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,402
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Apr 3, 2016 10:32:20 GMT
A point to ponder. Somewhere on the internet there might be a thread along the lines of 'my bf's mother just won't stop meddling'.She posts threads about us constantly, the content of which bears little resemblance to our interpretation of what actually took place. She stalks him, turning up at his place of work, she posts photos of us on the Internet without our permission, she discusses us with her colleagues, again without any accuracy. She has opinions on what we should be spending OUR money on, resents the fact that we live with my parents, and now is trying to force my bf to apply for a job at her place of work, and then announces that I am the controlling one.
You need to listen to the advice of the peas. Leave them alone. Let them learn from their own mistakes.
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raindancer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,095
Jun 26, 2014 20:10:29 GMT
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Post by raindancer on Apr 3, 2016 10:42:56 GMT
I don't know the history here but I will tell you what I said to my mom when she questioned my money habits at age 19.
"How much money do you have in your checking account?"
She stared at me and said it was none of my business. When I pointed out that my money was none of hers she realized that was true.
How they spend their money is none of your damn business. They are adults who live together.
Stay out of it. Let them crash and burn or whatever. It's past the time for you to teach him about money unless he comes to you and wants help with figuring it out. If that happens set him up with a financial planner and get out of his way.
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