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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2016 23:18:02 GMT
Things have been going well lately but something happened last night and it's just not sitting well with us.
DS works 2 jobs and takes 1 college class. He puts in about 35-40 hrs a week between the 2 jobs (both min wage jogs). She works 1 job 16 hrs a week and takes 2 college classes. Her job is also min wage.
They have a POS car that is hers. DS doesn't have a car and has to rely on her. They also live at her parents house because their rent went up and they couldn't afford it. Well....they can but that would mean they couldn't go to Disneyland, the beach and spend $400 on Justin Beiber concert tickets all the time. We have told him that we would co-sign a car loan for him. Not them...just him on the loan. They aren't married and they have separate accounts so not a big deal I think.
So there is a job opening at my work. It would be a FT job with benefits, medical, 401K - the works. It's about double what DS makes now and it's a job that he has expressed interest in when I brought it up to him a month ago. Last night at dinner I mentioned the job is opening on Monday and if he was going to apply. He said yes. So I say to him "if you get this job you need to get a car. The job is 30 min away and you need to have reliable transportation and not be sharing a vehicle."
GF's head shot up (she was on her phone) and she said "NO. He can't get a car." DS looked at me like "sorry". It was weird how she looked when I said this and how decisive she was. All I said was "well you (looking at DS) need a car". She pouted rest of the night.
At one point GF went to refill her drink and DH said to him "you need to stand up for yourself." All DS said was "she said I can't get a car because she wants to spend the money on something else"
At this point I was furious but we were in public so I didn't say much. I am rather concerened for him. I see some major red flags with how controlling she is. She has been that way in the past but this was even more than normal.
DH is very upset also. DS looked so beaten down last night after she said no. He is 20 yrs old but I think we need to step in and talk to him. She doens't let him to come over without her so that's another issue but this point I think we need to have him come over and talk.
So...yes no? Do we intervene?
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Post by littlemama on Apr 2, 2016 23:22:43 GMT
That is a tough one considering the history here. I don't know what then right answer is in your situation. If it were my son, I would talk with him. With him- not at him.
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Post by Zee on Apr 2, 2016 23:23:12 GMT
You really can't intervene with a 20 year old, but you most certainly CAN tell him to come over alone for a family discussion. Sounds like maybe he's ready to listen to what you have to say. Lay it out sensibly. If he's not going to stand up for himself, then he's probably not ready for that job. Maybe he still has to mature a bit.
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Post by salem on Apr 2, 2016 23:27:01 GMT
Your son is in for one long, miserable life with this girl. If he doesn't learn to man up soon, she will call the shots forever. I know your relationship with him/them has been rocky to say the least, but when she spoke up and said he couldn't get a car, j would've snapped her right in her place right then. I don't think parents should interfere in their adult children's relationships, but she a controlling bitch. He's working, going to school and he "can't" have a car according to her. No fucking way.
Talk to him. If you're willing to sign a loan, then do it, but don't be surprised if the princess takes over that car just to make sure you know who's calling the shots. Sounds like he's in deep and his future is going to suck if he doesn't get out of it.
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SabrinaP
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Post by SabrinaP on Apr 2, 2016 23:34:55 GMT
Your son is old enough to stand up for himself if he choses to. I think you just need to be the soft place he can land if/when this relationship blows up. I would say nothing.
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Post by Yubon Peatlejuice on Apr 2, 2016 23:40:52 GMT
I would be more concerned that he's a Justin Bieber fan. Honestly, I stopped reading at that point.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2016 23:47:05 GMT
I would be more concerned that he's a Justin Bieber fan. Honestly, I stopped reading at that point. He isn't ...she is. He said the concert sucked. |
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Post by mom on Apr 2, 2016 23:51:04 GMT
Stay out of it.
I say this as nicely as I can:
We can tell you are chomping at the bit to get involved - you've said as much in other posts. If you get involved then he will blame you when the shit hits the fan (and it will). He is an adult. Let him make his own choices. Quit butting in and trying to control his life. (and yes, that is how I see you acting).
And FWIW, you and DH telling him what to do is pretty much the same as the girlfriend telling him what to do. Neither of you are treating him as an adult. You told him about the job, he knows its 30 min away. Let him figure out how he will get there. And co-signing for a car for him? Nope. Stay out of it.
He is an adult. Treat him like one - and let him figure things out for himself. As long as you are butting in (and that is what you're doing), he will never learn to stand on his own two feet. And jumping in to buy him a car only reenforces that you do not see him as capable.
Again, he is an adult. Unless he specifically asks for you to get involved (he hasn't) or says he needs help then mind your own business. Getting involved on your own will not end well. You will become the issue and you will be cut out of their life.
edited: there is a chance I have you and your son mixed up with someone else on the board (I don't think so...but...its possible). Anyway, my advice stays the same - stay out of it.
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Post by Yubon Peatlejuice on Apr 2, 2016 23:56:24 GMT
I would be more concerned that he's a Justin Bieber fan. Honestly, I stopped reading at that point. He isn't ...she is. He said the concert sucked. He must have turned in his Man Card at the gate. Ok I read the whole OP now. Your problem is not the GF. Your problem is your son and his lack of a spinal cord and lack of balls. I think you will ALWAYS have this problem with him. He sounds just like my brother, who still lives at home. He is married now but she moved into my parents' house too. He has 2 mommies now and the 2 mommies butt heads all day long while telling him what to do. And he just tries to make them both happy. He never stands up for himself. Your son is on the same path. If he breaks up with this GF, there will be another one just like her to replace her. He NEEDS to be mommied. He enjoys it. It is his personality. The best thing you can do is to not get yourselves financially intertwined with him and that means NO co-signing for him for anything ever. My brother owes my parents 100k. Good luck. |
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TankTop
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Post by TankTop on Apr 2, 2016 23:56:52 GMT
I would tread very lightly considering the history with the gf and the enstrangement from your son.
It does seem she is controlling his every move. Hopefully he will get the job and you two can do so e lunches together.
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Post by scrapmaven on Apr 2, 2016 23:59:32 GMT
At 20 he's still so young and they're making poor spending decisions. I wouldn't co-sign a car unless he is really going to step up to the plate and improve his life. Maybe buy the car if he accepts the job should it be offered. They are making immature life decisions and going several thousand dollars into debt seems like a bad idea. Plus, can you rely on him to make each payment on time? Your credit is at risk. She does sound controlling and spoiled from what you've said about her, but if you voice your concerns to him then you might drive him further away. This might be time to hold onto any extra money and thoughts that he might need if they break up and he gets his life really together. Sounds like they chose to put themselves in a tough situation and until she breaks up w/him, which could very well happen he's going to be her puppy. It's her life and he's just living in it. KWIM? You found him an opportunity and it's up him to act on it. He will mature, but some plants need a little more time to grow than others. Tread lightly w/him. You'll be more helpful if he trusts that he can come to you openly. Don't lecture.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Apr 3, 2016 0:10:08 GMT
Absolutely not. You've just barely reestablished a relationship with him. Do NOT discuss their relationship, your feelings about her, just straight up do not intervene. No good will come of it. Seriously - he's already chosen her over you once - do you honesty think it's going to be different this time?
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Post by Yubon Peatlejuice on Apr 3, 2016 0:12:00 GMT
People kept mentioning that there is a history with you and your DS so I went and read some of your other threads.
Good grief. How did I miss all of this drama before?
What happened to "I'm not going to get involved in his finances any more. I'm staying out of it."? You need to go back to that.
Are they still having a stupid ass princess wedding at Disneyland? I would go as a guest but no way in hell would I pay for any of that hot mess.
I will repeat again that your DS is the problem here, not the GF. Girls like that are a dime a dozen and he will always have controlling women in his life. And if you start loaning (giving) him money, then you become part of the problem.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2016 0:14:48 GMT
Intervening is not going to be productive. You can't compel him to do anything. You've stated your piece, now it's time to keep your mouth shut and let him figure out what to do. I can only imagine how hard that would be, but given your history, I think it's the wisest choice. It will let you stay in touch and be there for him when he eventually realizes she is not the one for him.
Good luck.
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marianne
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Post by marianne on Apr 3, 2016 0:22:30 GMT
Your son is old enough to stand up for himself if he choses to. I think you just need to be the soft place he can land if/when this relationship blows up. I would say nothing. ^^Yes, this.^^ mom also makes some very valid points. Let your son learn, even when it's the hard way. Stay out of it and just be there for him to help pick up the pieces. |
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Post by elaine on Apr 3, 2016 0:26:41 GMT
For the love of any and everything - do not co-sign for a car loan.
Until he learns to rely on himself and not his parents and/or girlfriends, he won't learn anything of value for the rest of his life.
You are not doing him any favors by getting involved right now.
It is hard to watch, I know. But you need to step away.
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Post by pierkiss on Apr 3, 2016 0:31:00 GMT
I wouldn't be consigning a loan for him. He does not appear to be mature enough to figure out a way to make the payments.
As far as all this drama, I would try my very best to bite my tongue and say nothing.
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Olan
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Post by Olan on Apr 3, 2016 0:31:55 GMT
You need to reserve your disgust and life raft for when she is pregnant.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2016 0:32:27 GMT
Are they still having a stupid ass princess wedding at Disneyland? I would go as a guest but no way in hell would I pay for any of that hot mess. I will repeat again that your DS is the problem here, not the GF. Girls like that are a dime a dozen and he will always have controlling women in his life. And if you start loaning (giving) him money, then you become part of the problem. I don't know how you missed all this either. No Disney wedding. Well at least no Disney wedding that we are funding. Her parents said no either. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2016 0:33:58 GMT
You need to reserve your disgust and life raft for when she is pregnant. Yeah...that's our biggest fear. I am so afraid for that day. |
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Post by padresfan619 on Apr 3, 2016 0:34:12 GMT
There is no fucking way I would be cosigning a car loan for him. He made his bed, he can lie in it. The job sounds great but if he really wanted it he would have dropped the dead weight girlfriend a long time ago.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2016 0:36:03 GMT
Don't cosign for a car loan unless you want to be stuck paying for it every month. The person with whom he lives and shares finances is against the car and that's just asking for the bill not to get paid. Co-signing is a terrible idea under the best of circumstances and in this situation... You're either going to be paying the bill or your credit is going to get screwed. If you want to buy the car and have him pay you, fine. But co-signing -- just don't.
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Post by Yubon Peatlejuice on Apr 3, 2016 0:38:05 GMT
You need to reserve your disgust and life raft for when she is pregnant. Yeah...that's our biggest fear. I am so afraid for that day. Well if he really is like my brother, she'll fake a pregnancy and at month 7, she will fly to Kentucky on a "business trip" and have a miscarriage and have the baby cremated and buried there because she can't afford to fly the remains home. And then a few weeks later, after his family hires a PI to investigate this girl, he'll find out that's she happily married with 4 kids and faked her whole life and name while with him. He only wasted 2 years on that one. But I digress. Seriously though. Dudes go brain-dead when they are gettin some. Don't enable them by giving them money. |
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johnnysmom
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Post by johnnysmom on Apr 3, 2016 0:46:27 GMT
Yeah...that's our biggest fear. I am so afraid for that day. Well if he really is like my brother, she'll fake a pregnancy and at month 7, she will fly to Kentucky on a "business trip" and have a miscarriage and have the baby cremated and buried there because she can't afford to fly the remains home. And then a few weeks later, after his family hires a PI to investigate this girl, he'll find out that's she happily married with 4 kids and faked her whole life and name while with him. He only wasted 2 years on that one. But I digress. Seriously though. Dudes go brain-dead when they are gettin some. Don't enable them by giving them money. Oh sh!t! I vaguely remember the whole miscarriage while away thing but OMG  |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2016 0:53:18 GMT
Do not co-sign on a loan for him unless you're willing to make the payments. He has told you that she controls the finances, and if she decides he isn't going to make a car payment, he isn't.
But the fact that he shared that with you is a good sign, IMO. The bloom may be off the rose, especially if he's wanting to take a better job and prepare for his future and she tries to put the skids on it.
Here's hoping that he gets tired of being treated that way soon!
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Post by Yubon Peatlejuice on Apr 3, 2016 0:58:52 GMT
Do not co-sign on a loan for him unless you're willing to make the payments. He has told you that she controls the finances, and if she decides he isn't going to make a car payment, he isn't. But the fact that he shared that with you is a good sign, IMO. The bloom may be off the rose, especially if he's wanting to take a better job and prepare for his future and she tries to put the skids on it. Here's hoping that he gets tired of being treated that way soon! The fact that he told his mom about issues with the GF means nothing. My brother will be talking to my mom out in the kitchen and then go complain about her to his wife in the living room. And then a few hours later he will go complain to his mom in the garage about something his wife said in the basement. I've seen the fall-out from all of that first-hand. These spineless guys like having multiple mommies and playing them against each other. Visiting that house is so entertaining but I'm always glad to leave. I guarantee that he (the OP's son) is complaining about his mom to the GF as much (or more) as he complains about the GF to his mom. |
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Post by Belia on Apr 3, 2016 1:10:17 GMT
No. Just no. To all of it.
No to talking to him about how his GF treats him.
No to buying him a car.
For the love of all that is holy, do NOT co-sign a loan for him.
I would even be very, very concerned about helping him get a job at your work. How will it reflect on you if (or more likely, when) he screws the pooch at work??? I wouldn't want my work reputation to be tied to him in any way. Not at this stage of his life.
No.
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Post by elaine on Apr 3, 2016 1:16:14 GMT
One more thing: I think getting him a job where you work is a really. bad. idea.
He is going to f*ck up. He is. That is where he is right now in his life.
How is it going to reflect on you in your job when your son, for whom you helped get the job, f*ck's up?
How are you going to take it when he f's up in your workplace? Because he will. He will anyplace he works at right now.
Until he grows up and makes his own decisions, it is a positively awful idea for him to work where you do.
You really, really, really need to step away.
eta: Belia and I were thinking the same thing. Something to consider.
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Post by yoursweetwhimsy on Apr 3, 2016 1:25:41 GMT
I've told my boys over and over to learn from my mistakes but as much as it hurts my heart, the best lessons often come from their own mistakes. My oldest is crazy stubborn sometimes and it is maddening to watch him do something we have advised him against but just watch is what we must do.
This is is just a no win situation right now. I know you so badly want to steer him in the right direction but he is hell bent on taking his own path, but that path comes with consequences. My hope is that he figures it out sooner rather than later. It has to be heartbreaking. Hugs to you and your family.
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Post by librarylady on Apr 3, 2016 1:30:14 GMT
Stay out of it. I say this as nicely as I can: We can tell you are chomping at the bit to get involved - you've said as much in other posts. If you get involved then he will blame you when the shit hits the fan (and it will). He is an adult. Let him make his own choices. Quit butting in and trying to control his life. (and yes, that is how I see you acting). And FWIW, you and DH telling him what to do is pretty much the same as the girlfriend telling him what to do. Neither of you are treating him as an adult. You told him about the job, he knows its 30 min away. Let him figure out how he will get there. And co-signing for a car for him? Nope. Stay out of it. He is an adult. Treat him like one - and let him figure things out for himself. As long as you are butting in (and that is what you're doing), he will never learn to stand on his own two feet. And jumping in to buy him a car only reenforces that you do not see him as capable. Again, he is an adult. Unless he specifically asks for you to get involved (he hasn't) or says he needs help then mind your own business. Getting involved on your own will not end well. You will become the issue and you will be cut out of their life. edited: there is a chance I have you and your son mixed up with someone else on the board (I don't think so...but...its possible). Anyway, my advice stays the same - stay out of it. As painful as it is, you must let HIM come to the conclusion that she is poison. Don't finance the car unless you are willing to pay for a car for his GF to drive--because that is what will happen. You told him about the job.......Now let him handle his decision and then live with the decision. |
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