My Mom died yesterday.

**I am sorry this turned into such a long post and outpouring of emotions.  I cannot talk about this to anyone in person right now.  Well, I guess I could, but I don't want to put this on my friends. So please be my pseudo therapist on this and give me advice.  Or have yourself a good laugh at how ridiculous my family is and let it make you feel wonderful about your own.  Or, just back out of this thread now if you don't want to read of my family's stupid disfunction.  I just typed and typed.  I don't even know if it makes any sense, but I needed to get it out.**



Mom died yesterday morning.  I am still a bit numb.  And although she was 98, it was still a surprise.  Mom was a real force to be reckoned with.  She always seemed larger than life to me.  And I really thought she had a couple more years in her.  We always said she would live to be 100, like her mother and older sister did.  Mom fully expected to continue living to 100 herself.  She really had incredible health and stamina for her age, despite the huge setback a couple of years ago where she fell and broke her hip and leg, she rebounded.  She always rebounds.  There was only one time where she became someone I did not recognize, and we quickly learned she had a large volume of fluid around her heart and lungs and her body was under extreme duress.  This was shortly after suffering from pneumonia developed when she was hospitalized with her broken hip from the beach fall.  She was exhausted and spoke of wanting to die for the first time.  As soon as we got that fluid drained off, my mom started to appear again.  Her feisty spirit came back and she was herself again. Weak, but herself.

Everything was fine with Mom this week.  I had email her multiple times each day, chatting about how she felt from her latest fall at my sister's house. We talked about making raisins again since this is the season, and when she was going to be moving back to my house for a while.  We last emailed Sunday night with Mom clarifying something she had said in an earlier email to me, and I emailed back that I would call her on Monday.  

Then I got a call from my younger sister yesterday morning telling me that Mom was gone.  As much as it is a shock, all in all, I know in my heart, Mom died in the best way possible. It would have been what she would have picked if she could have.  She was not alone.  She did not suffer.  She was at home, not a rehab or hospital.  

She was at my sister's house, sitting in her favorite recliner.  She and my sister had just eaten breakfast, both while sitting in the recliners, and had talked about how gorgeous the weather was and they were planning on how to spend their day.  Mom was in good spirits.  They laughed a few times during that conversation.  They were free to spend the day doing errands, if necessary, because there were no therapy people coming for Mom on Monday, and Mom was interested in getting a few more bags of grapes to make raisins.

The therapy people were coming because of Mom's fall a week ago.  Mom had fallen by misjudging the distance from her walker to her recliner last week and had a hairline fracture in her hip on her "bad side" where she already had a broken leg that has a rod in it.  My sister took her to the hospital, and after all the tests they determined she just had the hairline fracture that would heal on its own.  They wanted her to go from the hospital into a rehab facility to regain her strength and walk better.  Mom was adamantly against it.  She begged my sister to just take her home.  And truly, Mom was 98.  She has everything she needed at my sister's home.  We have experience with having Mom confined to a wheelchair after an accident, so my sister didn't see the sense in putting Mom into a rehab facility against her wishes.  I totally agree.  At her best, Mom used a walker.  At times when she was tired, we used the wheelchair for her.  It wasn't like she would ever walk without a walker again, she was too unstable for that.  So whether she regained the ability to use the walker or remained in wheelchair, we were fine either way.  And she did have the two people coming to the house for therapy like we have done a half a dozen times with Mom after a hospitalization.  

My sister said when she told Mom she felt she could take care of her at home and that if Mom didn't want the rehab, she could come home, Mom cried. She was so relieved and just wanted to go home.  It isn't that the rehab is awful, they were very nice.  But Mom got about 2 1/2 hours of actual rehab work and spent the rest of the day just laying in bed bored.  She hated it.  In the past, the rehab facility she was in allowed one of us to stay with her all day, and even encouraged us in bringing our small dogs that Mom loved so much.  We were allowed to spend from 6 am to 9 pm in her room with her, just keeping her company.  She was so happy to have one of the pups laying on her lap with her while she visited with us.  She hated to be alone.  

The rehab facility near the hospital she was in this time didn't allow that, and weighing the benefits versus the extreme stress it would put Mom under, my sister let her come home.  I am so very glad she did so, because Mom would have died in the rehab facility and we would have forever had questions about what happened.

So, Mom was at my sister's ranch, which is where she wanted to be.  They had just installed a new thing to get her from the wheelchair to the shower chair easier.  Mom was content.  After finishing her cereal, my sister said out of the corner of her eye, she saw Mom put her cereal bowl down on the table between them.  She then lay back in the chair and put her head back, which she does if she wants to nap a bit.  She had had a bit of a strange sleep the previous night, more than likely due to the pain, so my sister looked over at her when she put her head back and asked her if she wanted to go back to bed for a bit.  She said Mom's head fell forward.  My sister jumped up and knelt down beside her, asking her if she was ok.  She said Mom's eyes rolled back, she took two deep breaths, and was gone.  

I am so incredibly grateful that my sister was right there beside her so that we have the incredible comfort of knowing Mom didn't suffer, she didn't try to call out, and she didn't appear to have any pain.  My sister said it was all so quick - like within 15 seconds.  And while we all have tried to prepare for this day, it is really never any easier.  When I start to cry, I force myself to realize she went as she would have wanted to go, just like my father did.  He died while talking to my mom and getting ready to go to bed.  Both just living their lives as they wanted to, together.  And now, in my heart and mind, Mom and Dad are together again. I feel a tremendous loss for myself, but at peace for her.

I just needed to get this out. I haven't told anyone else about her passing yet.  The only two people I have spoken to about it are my sister and my son, who is surprisingly being incredibly wonderful to me.  He even called again this morning to see how I was doing.  He feels very strongly that we should have some sort of memorial get together for Mom like we did for Dad.  I posted about how horribly my family fell apart after Dad died, with my one sister hacking into my younger sister's email and the animosity between the two of them because my younger sister went ahead and left on a planned vacation instead of dropping everything and coming to my mother's side.  

I was in the middle of all of it.  I asked my mom how she felt about my younger sister not being there and Mom was fine with it.  There would have been nothing my younger sister could have done, and she knew that I was there with Mom.  I spent 2 weeks at my older sister's house, sleeping at night in an upstairs bedroom, but spending every minuted of the day in Mom's bedroom with her, at her request.  This was because of the abusive way my older sister had treated Mom for years.  I posted about this and how I raced home and got a room ready for Mom to move in with me if she wanted to, then had to wait until the death certificate came and Mom took care of some of the paperwork stuff.  The minute she was done with it, I went to get her and brought her back to live with me.

Since Dad's passing, my two sister's have not spoken to each other.  My older sister, who has never liked me anyway, stopped talking to me when I told my younger sister that the older was reading all her email.  I wanted that stopped, mainly because the older sister's daughter regularly emailed the younger sister about some very sensitive and private things that her mother would have disowned her for if she found out. And since my younger sister could never keep a secret, so she told me that sensitive thing was that my niece felt she might be gay.  That would have ended it for her mother.  I wanted to protect both my sister and my niece, but mostly my niece, from her mother.  But, of course, I told, so that sister hates me more than anything.  Everyone stopped speaking to everyone else, including all the nieces and nephews.  Well, not myself or my son, but my older sister's children.  I still continued to talk to my younger sister and her kids as did my son.

I had truly hoped that things would be better this time.  My older sister had just gone to my younger sister's house for the first time in years to see my mother on her birthday a couple of weeks ago.  This after not speaking a single word since the screaming around Dad's passing 8 years ago.  My younger sister said she was stiff, but not abusive toward anyone.  It was just very uncomfortable.  

Then when Mom died, my younger sister asked if I wanted to come and see Mom before they came to take her body.  I did not. I could not. I could not go see my father right after he died either.  Mom understood about Dad and I know she would have been fine with me not going to see her body.  My older sister wanted to see her.  I worried about how it would go between my two sisters, which truthfully, was an additional reason why I would not go there.  

And unfortunately, it turned badly.  My younger sister said the older behaved herself, was very cold, but not screaming at my younger sister.  Then they came and took Mom's body.  My older sister wants to go witness Mom's cremation.  She wants my younger sister and I to do so as well.  I guess at first my younger sister agreed to meet older sister to watch the cremation.  Then she decided she really didn't want to see it.  She feels very strongly that Mom is no longer in her body, that it is just the shell she occupied while alive.  She feels mom spiritually and doesn't need to see the disposal of the body.  

Older sister told my younger sister it was 'the least she could do' for my mom. That set younger sister off. Since Dad died, Mom has lived with me or my younger sister, only visiting older sister's house a couple of time during the last 8 years, and going years between visits. We did plenty for Mom.  Older sister went off on younger sister for not wanting to be there and then it turned to her blaming her for the upheaval and loss of family that resulted after Dad's passing. Mind that she has never apologized for hacking into the email, and has consistently blamed me for warning my younger sister to change her password.  No personal acceptance of responsibility at all.  

I guess some very ugly things were said between them.  My younger sister said to expect to be told when the cremation is and when the ashes are available to be picked up, but she is now done.  She said it is my choice whether to attend or not, but she will not be.  So, here we go again.  My poor mother would be so upset to know that her passing has brought all this hatred back up again.  So I have to decide whether or not to see the cremation, knowing older sister will be there, and would my presence fan the flames (no pun intended) of hatred even more?  I haven't seen her since picking Mom up to live with me all those years ago.  And I have no desire to sit and listen to her berate my younger sister either, which she did when Dad died.  She was upset that my younger sister let Mom return to the ranch instead of going to rehab like the doctors wanted.  I think I would end up hearing a long list of things done wrong according to older sister.  Only this time, I am not trying to keep things calm for my mom's sake like when Dad died.  This time, I could shut her down and not fear how she would behave when I did.  I just don't know if I want to be there or not.  I am still thinking about it.

And, my son and the other kids want a memorial.  I am fine with whatever they decide, wherever they decide.  Younger sister says older will not attend, and stopped short of saying she will not go if older sister is there.  God help me.  

Oh God, you guys! Does it become any clearer why I want to sell my house and move out of this state to Oregon, where I have only had peaceful experiences and there are trees, waterfalls, and quiet?  And I don't have a single relative or friend in the state.

If you made it through all of this crap, I am sorry.  I just needed to unload somewhere.  I actually feel better for just getting it all out. I think I will get in the car and drive to the beach for a walk outside in the breeze and sunshine and peacefulness.