bomo
Full Member
Posts: 150
Jun 26, 2014 15:54:49 GMT
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Post by bomo on Aug 8, 2014 1:29:59 GMT
I am sorry for all the hurt you must me feeling. I am hearing all sorts of bells and whistles going off. I hope I am wrong. Take your time to sort out all your options. Sending you warm hugs and lots of strength for the coming days.
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GiantsFan
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,457
Site Supporter
Jun 27, 2014 14:44:56 GMT
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Post by GiantsFan on Aug 8, 2014 1:31:11 GMT
I am just truly heartbroken for myself and our kids but have resolved to take it one day at a time...because what else is there to do? I am strong and independent and will get through this whatever the resolution is. Because of what you wrote above,^^^ , you sound strong. It may take a while but you will get through this.
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Post by mztfied on Aug 8, 2014 1:36:08 GMT
My heart hurts for you. You have been given great advice so I will just add some ((hugs)). Take care of yourself.
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Judy26
Pearl Clutcher
MOTFY Bitchy Nursemaid
Posts: 2,971
Location: NW PA
Jun 25, 2014 23:50:38 GMT
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Post by Judy26 on Aug 8, 2014 1:37:13 GMT
Keep your head up and do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your children. Use the next few months to create a strong support system for you and your family. You may or may not need to be self sufficient, but knowing you can stand on your own will be useful no matter what the future holds.
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Post by Goldynn on Aug 8, 2014 1:37:40 GMT
I'm so sorry! I have to say that as soon as you mentioned "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" I knew there was probably another female involved in some capacity. Hugs to you!
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Aug 8, 2014 1:39:59 GMT
Celebrate anniversary. Give the I love you but not in love with you speech. Leave for 3 - 4 months.
What a coward.
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Post by chirpingcricket on Aug 8, 2014 1:44:22 GMT
Maybe your marriage is over. And maybe not.
I am a legal assistant to a family law attorney. And I've been married for 27 years, and our marriage survived infidelity.
I agree with other Peas that the sentence, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you," is a common line from a spouse who is cheating or about to cheat.
But I do not think cheating is necessarily the death knell for a marriage. When I started working for my boss, he said emphatically, "Every one who goes as far as to file for a divorce is going to get divorced," but I have seen three couples in three years who filed and ended up non-suiting the divorce complaint. Two of those couples initially filed because one spouse committed adultery. One couple filed because they ... well, honestly, they had been married for four years and had never consummated the marriage. That was an unusual case from beginning to end.
I have also seen one couple get divorced that I really thought, "They're going to wake up in five years and realize they rushed into that divorce," and that one was definitely caused by infidelity.
Human beings are flawed. I'm not sure we're supposed to be monogamous for decades and decades. Good people make mistakes.
So your marriage might be over, or it might be salvageable. It depends on the people involved, and whether they can get past their mistakes or the mistakes of others. It depends on how stubborn you might be. It depends on your financial situation: I think poor people who can't afford to divorce tend to be a great deal more forgiving of mistakes than millionaires who can afford to discard spouses like Kleenex tissues.
I hope, for you, dear OP, that wherever you find yourself in a year, you are happy and healthy and looking forward to the future.
See a lawyer before you do anything, of course. I'm always amazed at the advice to empty the bank accounts. In my state, that's strictly forbidden and will anger a judge faster than back-talk.
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eastcoastpea
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,252
Jun 27, 2014 13:05:28 GMT
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Post by eastcoastpea on Aug 8, 2014 2:28:29 GMT
No advise. Sending positive vibes.
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 8, 2014 2:33:23 GMT
Are you sure she hasnt moved to wherever he is?
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Post by originalvanillabean on Aug 8, 2014 2:35:27 GMT
I am sorry you are going through this.
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Post by Basket1lady on Aug 8, 2014 2:40:51 GMT
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.
Good for you for getting counseling. That was going to be my advice, especially if children are involved. Regardless of the path you eventually take, at least you will know that you tried your best. I have heard that statistically, those marriages that have endured an affair and stick together end up being the strongest relationships. I hope you are not up to that test. Best of luck to you.
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Post by traceys on Aug 8, 2014 2:42:09 GMT
I also think that infidelity doesn't have to spell the end of a marriage (and I realize that we are speculating here....but I would include physical, emotional, or anything in between). However, I will also say that, IMO, infidelity is not a "mistake". It's a conscious choice, made from a place of complete selfishness. If a marriage is to survive it, I believe the "cheater" must take full responsibly for his/her actions and do whatever is necessary to ensure that it doesn't happen again.
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Post by donna on Aug 8, 2014 2:42:38 GMT
I am so sorry you are going through this.
I could not help but think of the line from a couple who had been married a super long time. They said the secret to a long marriage was to not fall out of love with each other at the same time. Every couple has ups and downs. It is important to not hit the lows at the same time.
He is a jerk for pulling this when he is about to leave for such a long time.
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Post by myhearthurts on Aug 8, 2014 2:43:52 GMT
Are you sure she hasnt moved to wherever he is? Yes...he is on a military exercise.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 9, 2024 10:21:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2014 2:44:15 GMT
I'm very sorry this is happening to you. Not saying anything others already haven't, but I think the counseling is an excellent idea and so getting things in order and consulting with a divorce attorney just to know where you stand legally.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 9, 2024 10:21:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2014 2:44:16 GMT
Celebrate anniversary. Give the I love you but not in love with you speech. Leave for 3 - 4 months. What a coward. Yep - totally. Douchebag is another word. I can't believe I typed that out, but I have. And I mean it.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 9, 2024 10:21:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2014 2:45:10 GMT
I'm so sorry. That was a crappy thing for him to do.
I've never been through this, but I've had good friends who have. I've listened to them and cried with them and supported them. You need to get your own support system in place. I know you're in shock right now but you need some trusted friends or family that you can lean on. You're not weak for doing that. It takes strength to realize that you need support and to ask for it.
Wishing the best for you.
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 8, 2014 2:46:07 GMT
Are you sure she hasnt moved to wherever he is? Yes...he is on a military exercise. Ah. I am so sorry. I wish you the strength to come out of this on top, whatever that may look like.
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Post by lucyg on Aug 8, 2014 2:54:42 GMT
I just want to say I'm sorry and I agree with the others ... if he isn't cheating already, he's damn close. You're getting good advice here. Good luck to you and your children.
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Post by nightnurse on Aug 8, 2014 2:54:54 GMT
My husband gave me the "I love you but I'm not in love with, I'm not sure I even know how to love" speech a few years ago. ON VALENTINES DAY, no less! We went to marriage counseling. Turns out he was overwhelmed by all the responsibility of owning a home, having a young child, and having to be the main financial support. I was working part time and going to school and it was hard on all of us. The counselor basically told my husband that this is life, it gets hard, and he had to decide whether he was committed to being married or not. Of course, I needed to make some changes, too-focus less on school, bring in more money, spend less. We will be celebrating 12 years in September and things have been really good. There was no evidence of any other woman, though-no texts, home from work every night. I know everyone says that if he's been texting some other woman he's likely cheating and that may be true, but it isn't a foregone conclusion. I've had a male friend since high school. We talk and text frequently and there has never been anything inappropriate about it. When he first started dating his future wife, he'd call me after their dates to gush about how great it was. He's just a chatty guy. Only you know if your husband is the chatty type or the cheating type.
Whatever happens, I wish you luck and I'll be hoping for the best.
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Post by anniefb on Aug 8, 2014 2:58:13 GMT
You've had some good advice. Just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Stay strong!
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Post by ilikepink on Aug 8, 2014 2:58:34 GMT
Hugs.
Six years ago today, I was you. I saw the odd things that my ex had been doing, each of which independently meant nothing, but when you add it up - he was seeing someone he had been with before our 15 year marriage. This night, six years ago, I was a basket case - convinced that life was over, I'd been an idiot, that I was worthless, that everything for the prior 15 years was a lie. We did counseling (well, "we" once, me for several months). With help, I pulled my self-esteem out of the basement, and made a few decisions for myself. I moved far away, and just started my life over. Despite how much I hurt, we handled everything like adults and it went much easier and we are friendly.
Six years later, I'm happy, strong, have self-respect again, but am still a work in progress.
Do what you have to do - for yourself and children. Feel the pain, and get through it. You will come out better on the other side. You will come out better on the other side. I promise.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 9, 2024 10:21:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2014 3:06:28 GMT
I'm really sorry he dropped this in your lap and then left like a coward. It certainly doesn't seem to me like he has any big plans on putting your marriage and your life as a family as much of a priority in his life.
Him saying the following "He says he will use this time away at work to do some thinking." makes me really pissed off for you.
He's going to use his time away to decide if he wants you or his family? I'm sorry...but I think I'd make that decision for him...eff him.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 9, 2024 10:21:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2014 3:07:21 GMT
I threw a little temper-tantrum for you and now I just wanted to send you a cyber {{hug}}. You're on the right path educating yourself legally and seeking counseling. Whatever happens, you will be OK!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 9, 2024 10:21:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2014 3:08:27 GMT
It isn't good enough to have access since he can change passwords or move accounts without telling you before he does it. Make physical copies and keep them as current as you can. A man who is headed out the door will do things you NEVER EVER believe he is capable of doing. He has already done the big "I can't believe it" everything else like locking you out of accouhttp://2peasrefugees.boards.net/post/new/4949nts is easy peasy.
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YooHoot
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,432
Jun 26, 2014 3:11:50 GMT
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Post by YooHoot on Aug 8, 2014 3:17:09 GMT
Exactly what I was thinking. It's not that he's not in love with you anymore. He's in love with this little "emotional" whatever he's having with his "friend". He "feels good" so he is associating that with "well, guess that means I don't love the wife anymore". 3-4 months to think about it my ass. 3-4 months to see how he likes this single life is more like it.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope I'm wrong.
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Post by cynipidae17 on Aug 8, 2014 3:18:28 GMT
I am so sorry you are going through this, take care of yourself
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Mary Kay Lady
Pearl Clutcher
PeaNut 367,913 Refupea number 1,638
Posts: 3,082
Jun 27, 2014 4:11:36 GMT
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Post by Mary Kay Lady on Aug 8, 2014 3:31:21 GMT
I don't know if it's over or not. I do know that each person in a marriage needs to be 100% committed to the relationship and making it work.
I am so sorry that you're having to deal with this. It's not fun. To go through something like this sucks big time.
I'm proud of you that you're being so pro-active at this point. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
((HUGS)) to you.
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Post by andreasmom on Aug 8, 2014 3:54:52 GMT
I'm sorry you are hurting. ((((Big hugs))))
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Post by LovMelrose on Aug 8, 2014 4:01:32 GMT
All I can say is I'm so sorry you're going thru this!
I recommend a visit to marriagebuilders.com and reading about meeting each others needs and see where your relationship fits.
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