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Post by megop on Aug 8, 2014 4:20:46 GMT
Bless your heart sweetie. Never easy to get a bomb thrown at ya like that. Try to remember, that the ball isn't all in his court to make decisions that effect you both. A site that helped me tremendously was marriageadvocates.com. It's full of been there, done that people, and many who are marriage counselors also give advice. Your marriage may or may not be over. The only thing you now know, is that the marriage you once knew, is over. If there is a marriage to be had, it will be a rebuilt one. It does happen. Andropause for men, is a very real thing. Some call it mid-life crisis. But there are chemical things at work here. Could be low testosterone, could be based on childhood issues manifesting now, could be he is just a weak moral person. At the end of the day, you don't know who he is right now. Most likely he doesn't either. He's in his own fog. Whether he choses to come out of it or not, is entirely up to him. Your power is you get to control you and your boundaries for your own good and for the the good of those who depend on you. Peruse the site I mentioned above. There is no one size fits all answer to "save our marriage" as each relationship is different. But the commonalities I discovered after doing much research, certainly helped me to get strong, protect myself, prepare for either and end or attempt at reconciliation. Please know, that there is no one action or conversation to be had, that will rectify. You are now in a marathon journey and not a race. There are many books out there that give formulas, etc. I did that as well, and in hindsight, I did many things right, and many things wrong. We all do. Some of the things I did right, was to immediately consult an attorney without XH knowing and staying silent and collecting what I needed to collect in order to prepare for a divorce. Keep in mind that a person just doesn't wake up one day and decide...I'm going to say I love you but I'm not in love with you. That person has been thinking upon this for awhile. Essentially emotionally separating for awhile before they make such a revelation. May or may not involve someone else, but most likely it is so, because that dopamine chemical that we all had within "new love" is quite intoxicating if you remember. Persons who don't appreciate or have been modeled mature love, mistake this as lasting. It isn't. There's a reason why 95 percent of affairs, last less than two years, and of the 5 percent that survive 2, only 2 percent of them last five. There is a grieving process to this no matter if your marriage lasts or does not. But even if you are feeling numb, and since he is gone, at the very least, consult an attorney, take steps to get yourself protected financially, know the laws in your state and assess. Yes, prepare for the worst outside of him. Doing so doesn't mean you are giving up, it means you are being smart. Be aware of the fog: A typical Affair Fog, also called The Wayward Script, includes: * Re-writing marriage history * Projecting blame for the Wayward Spouse’s guilt onto the Betrayed Spouse * The typical “I love you but…” * The proclamation that the other person is the Wayward Spouse’s “soul mate” * The demonizing of the Betrayed Spouse in order to rationalize the Wayward Spouse’s infidelity. * Gaslighting An "affair" doesn't necessarily mean he is sleeping with someone. But it could be a good friend on an emotional level. It could be work and egotistical in nature. But unless you all have had significant issues, and it doesn't sound like you have, there is "something" that lead him to make this statement, to his best friend and partner of nearly 20 years. I'm so sorry. I wouldn't wish this sort of experience on anyone.
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tiffanytwisted
Pearl Clutcher
you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave
Posts: 4,538
Jun 26, 2014 15:57:39 GMT
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Post by tiffanytwisted on Aug 8, 2014 4:23:30 GMT
Didn't want to read & run. Hang in there. Hugs coming your way.
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Post by penny on Aug 8, 2014 4:38:43 GMT
Haven't BTDT and I think that all the advice you've been given is great... I just wanted to say that I am close friends with a male who is going through this type of situation with his wife... There is absolutely nothing romantic at all in our friendship... We became friends because of all the usual reasons - similar senses of humour, interests, have good conversations, etc... The reason I know about the issues him and his wife are working on is because he feels comfortable telling me, nothing more than that... My sense is that it's harder to speak about all the complex emotions with another guy, and that a lot of times he's feeling out how to explain things... He cares for her so much - it's obvious and genuine, and he struggles with how to be honest and open without hurting her... Maybe it's the generation (mid/late 40s), or maybe it's just him, but he's just not good at explaining his emotions when he's worried about her... He can be blunt with me and no one gets hurt... I'm not sure if she knows he's told me this or not, and I worry about that... I know how it could hurt her in a way him talking to a guy friend wouldn't... I've told him this, but I'm not exactly sure what else to do because there isn't anything bad/questionable happening... Anyways, didn't mean to make it about me... Just wanted you to hear that it is possible that there isn't anything romantic with the other woman... I don't know the odds or probability of it, but it's possible... If you're interested (and if he is of course), then just use my situation as a reminder that it's easy to jump to conclusions... Be smart and be aware - it's something to pay attention to and ask about if you have questions, but base your decisions on what's happening and not all the thing you can worry about happening... Decide what you're comfortable with (what amount/type of contact they have), and don't feel bad about telling him that's what you need right now... In my case, I know his wife and I have absolute respect for them - if either one asked/told me about something that was a problem I'd immediately adjust - I want the best for them... I'm sorry you're going through this I'm glad you've been so proactive about resources and setting up counselling... Keep looking after and being true to yourself... ((Hugs))
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Post by megop on Aug 8, 2014 4:42:38 GMT
It's also unfortunate he is gone and the only connection is via digital. So it does set you up a bit as his communication with you is now based in negative reinforcing conversations, and the potential "other" is all positive feeding to him.
Be aware of that. Not that you have to make a performance, but just be smart about it. If it were me, I would now be amazing me, work on making me the best me I could be, get everything in order, get some counseling for myself, before I decided my course of action and boundary draw.
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,402
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Aug 8, 2014 4:44:21 GMT
From what I've seen, when they say the chick is new and nothing's happened, they're lying like a bad toupee on an overweight bald dude. Usually when they give you the "I'm not in love with you" line, that serves as notice that they now feel free to have sex with others because they believe the bond is broken and their vows are no longer applicable, so they are not "really" cheating. Since he's out of town, use the opportunity to gather all the documentation you are going to need. The 'she's just a friend' line is as old as the hills and is code for 'I've been bonking her brains out while I decide whether the grass is greener at home or with her'. Good advice above about getting as much financial info as you can while he is out of the way. Sorry for your troubles.
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Post by megop on Aug 8, 2014 4:45:23 GMT
Be smart and be aware - it's something to pay attention to and ask about if you have questions, but base your decisions on what's happening and not all the thing you can worry about happening.
----------
This is good. Look at actions, not words. You can trust, but take measures to verify what you are being told.
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allbymyself
Shy Member
Posts: 22
Jun 27, 2014 3:56:48 GMT
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Post by allbymyself on Aug 8, 2014 4:46:18 GMT
Google 'midlife crisis'. There is a wealth of information out there and a few forums for support.
I am currently living through this nightmare. I did not throw him out, he left, he has had an emotional affair, I do not want a divorce. There is no quick fix if it is a midlife crisis, there are no guarantees that he will return if/when he gets through it.
PM me if you want further information or want to talk.
(((Hugs))). I know just how hurt you are feeling.
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Post by 950nancy on Aug 8, 2014 4:48:27 GMT
Since he is in the military, does that give you any advantage? I know of several military wives that went to superiors to make sure they weren't screwed. I really have no idea how this works. I just know that the wives were financially given a true half-retirement especially. Hugs to you. This must be overwhelming.
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Post by ptamom on Aug 8, 2014 4:51:28 GMT
In my experience, women can endure the "love you but not in love with you" situation for a lot longer than men.
Generally, when men hit that point, they have already found a replacement.
So sorry.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 9, 2024 10:20:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2014 4:53:22 GMT
Since he is in the military, does that give you any advantage? I know of several military wives that went to superiors to make sure they weren't screwed. I really have no idea how this works. I just know that the wives were financially given a true half-retirement especially. Hugs to you. This must be overwhelming. The military tends to be loyal to the service member, not the spouse. Even though my spouse threatened to kill me the only thing his command would say is "He is a good soldier and no disciplinary action has been taken against him on his record" If the marriage is at least 20 years, the service members career is at least 20 years and the overlap between marriage and career is at least 20 years then congress has decreed the spouse has a right to half his retirement. But if any one of those "20 years" comes up short then you don't get half his retirement. My lawyer helped drag out the court date just a couple of months so I wouldn't lose out. He wasn't military (military lawyers don't handle divorces) but it was a military town and he knew the law.
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Post by 950nancy on Aug 8, 2014 4:57:31 GMT
My good friend's sister was married to a colonel and they went pretty hard on him. They were married twenty years though.
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Post by 0612 on Aug 8, 2014 5:31:29 GMT
Hugs, take care of yourself.
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Aug 8, 2014 5:52:36 GMT
I can't add anything to the very sage advice you've received here, but I did want to let you know I am sorry for what you're going through. You sound like a tough, smart, classy lady. I hope that, however this ends, you are happier and healthier in a year's time. Sending huge hugs your way.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 9, 2024 10:20:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2014 6:06:41 GMT
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Post by Lexica on Aug 8, 2014 6:24:04 GMT
I'm very sorry that your marriage is in this state. I get so angry that one member of a marriage will let it get to the stage of "I'm not in love with you" without talking to the other spouse at all along the way. They didn't go from fully in love to not in love overnight. Why couldn't they express to their supposed life partner that they are feeling X way and think the two of you should talk about it and work on it. If a spouse could do that, then the two of you equally can make whatever efforts are necessary to guide the marriage back into healthy territory. The fact that your husband didn't, and let it go off the rails without saying a word about it really pisses me off. Especially when there are children involved. I think you owe it to your family to talk about it as soon as it becomes apparent to you. And that is well before walking out the door is on the horizon.
I would advise you to think very hard whether or not YOU want to be in a marriage with this man. You have no control over what he comes back with, but you can fully explore your feelings. If you want to work it out, ask him if he feels that is a possibility. If you decide you can't go back to what you had, then you can start the process of gathering what you need to prepare for your part in a divorce action. It obviously can't happen unless he wants to try to fix things too. If he does not want it to work, you then need to go through the preparation for divorce. It looks like you would be wise to go ahead and start the preparation until you hear his desires in the matter.
Aa far as looking at his text history or computer to find clues of a possible affair, do you really want to know that stuff? Why add more negative to your already upset condition? If he wants out of the marriage, knowing details of any conversations between he and this friend won't help your heart at all. I would advise you to just blow that off for now. That subject can always be brought out for discussion later if need be. For myself, I would only want to know if I was going to stay in the marriage. I would need to know how far it went. But that's just me.
I suggest you make a separating notebook for yourself with lists of what needs to be accomplished before your DH returns. Copies of accounts and things can go into the booklet for easy access later. I always feel more in control once I have things orderly. Start with the things the peas have suggested and go from there.
And as already suggested but can't be emphasized enough, take care of yourself. A good night's sleep goes a long way toward making better choices and decisions the next day. See your doctor for temporary medication for anxiety or sleep issues if necessary. We're always here for you.
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Post by doesitmatter on Aug 8, 2014 6:44:07 GMT
I'm so sorry you're hurting and go through this, I know this pain too well. As far as if your marriage is over? ThAt is for you and your husband to decide but I personally believe if botH people want to save a marriage, all can be forgiven and repaired. {Hugs}
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michellegb
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,918
Location: New England and loving it!
Jun 26, 2014 0:04:59 GMT
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Post by michellegb on Aug 8, 2014 9:01:35 GMT
You are getting lots of great advice here. I'm sorry that you're hurting and have to deal with this. Sending you prayers for strength and peace to get through this mess he created. Hugs...
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stampfox
Shy Member
Posts: 19
Jun 26, 2014 0:49:59 GMT
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Post by stampfox on Aug 8, 2014 10:45:46 GMT
You have been on my mind since I read your post. Sometimes I can have a really evil side, not dangerous evil, just mostly dark. My thought was while he gone, sell the house and move. I know it's terrible but kind of funny in a way. You could tell him you weren't really loving the house any more. No flames this is a joke.
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Post by mommaho on Aug 8, 2014 11:13:18 GMT
Hugs - you have been given some great advice! My practice husband gave me the same line after 1 year of marriage. He was military and when he asked to move into the barracks his SGT called me to ask what happened. I told him to ask him because I had no idea what he was doing. Of course this was 37 years ago . . . they transferred him overseas and I was left with the bills.
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blue tulip
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,006
Jun 25, 2014 20:53:57 GMT
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Post by blue tulip on Aug 8, 2014 11:36:23 GMT
(hugs) we went thru a period in our marriage where we seemed more like roommated than spouses/lovers. while no one uttered that line, there were other serious issues. we went to counseling, and ended up coming back stronger than ever. I hope you guys can work it out! it's so hard to maintain the intimacy (emotional and otherwise) when life is so busy, and much easier to look back and see where you started diverging than to realize it when it's starting. but if you guys are able to move forward, you'll have a better grasp on the warning signs and how not to let it happen again.
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Aug 8, 2014 12:17:43 GMT
Haven't BTDT and I think that all the advice you've been given is great... I just wanted to say that I am close friends with a male who is going through this type of situation with his wife... There is absolutely nothing romantic at all in our friendship... We became friends because of all the usual reasons - similar senses of humour, interests, have good conversations, etc... The reason I know about the issues him and his wife are working on is because he feels comfortable telling me, nothing more than that... My sense is that it's harder to speak about all the complex emotions with another guy, and that a lot of times he's feeling out how to explain things... He cares for her so much - it's obvious and genuine, and he struggles with how to be honest and open without hurting her... Maybe it's the generation (mid/late 40s), or maybe it's just him, but he's just not good at explaining his emotions when he's worried about her... He can be blunt with me and no one gets hurt... I'm not sure if she knows he's told me this or not, and I worry about that... I know how it could hurt her in a way him talking to a guy friend wouldn't... I've told him this, but I'm not exactly sure what else to do because there isn't anything bad/questionable happening... I have male friends and this is one line that I will not cross because I will not have any sort of emotional intimacy/private knowledge about their marriage on me and experience has also taught me that when a guy does that he may unconsciously be looking for the wife's replacement. Slippery slope time for the guy, IMO. If my male friend has a problem with his wife, I tell him, "Go talk to HER. Why are you talking to ME? Talk to her." Lather, rinse, repeat. As well, I think about how I would feel if my dh were talking to some other woman about me and our marriage. I would be devastated and knowing that his female friend has been privy to his concerns about ME would probably hurt me more than anything my dh would have to say.
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SweetieBsMom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,750
Jun 25, 2014 19:55:12 GMT
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Post by SweetieBsMom on Aug 8, 2014 12:26:04 GMT
He's cheating or getting ready to cheat. Go to surviving infidelity and start reading, posting, whatever. Check out the 180. Don't buy the girl is "just a friend" she's not. I agree with this.... <Hijack: Freecharlie....you're a "Beastly Memeber" and with this post, your post count is 666. It made me giggle >
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Post by jeremysgirl on Aug 8, 2014 12:40:34 GMT
That is such a tough situation to be in. Hopefully, with him gone you can go to counseling and work on yourself so that you are much stronger when he comes back. ((hugs))
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Post by picotjo on Aug 8, 2014 12:50:19 GMT
he will be gone for 3-4 months.
I'm so sorry. It is a crappy thing to do to drop this on you then leave for this long. I agree counseling and getting your ducks in a row is a good thing. Again, I'm sorry.
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Post by elaine on Aug 8, 2014 12:57:15 GMT
Haven't BTDT and I think that all the advice you've been given is great... I just wanted to say that I am close friends with a male who is going through this type of situation with his wife... There is absolutely nothing romantic at all in our friendship... We became friends because of all the usual reasons - similar senses of humour, interests, have good conversations, etc... The reason I know about the issues him and his wife are working on is because he feels comfortable telling me, nothing more than that... My sense is that it's harder to speak about all the complex emotions with another guy, and that a lot of times he's feeling out how to explain things... He cares for her so much - it's obvious and genuine, and he struggles with how to be honest and open without hurting her... Maybe it's the generation (mid/late 40s), or maybe it's just him, but he's just not good at explaining his emotions when he's worried about her... He can be blunt with me and no one gets hurt... I'm not sure if she knows he's told me this or not, and I worry about that... I know how it could hurt her in a way him talking to a guy friend wouldn't... I've told him this, but I'm not exactly sure what else to do because there isn't anything bad/questionable happening... Anyways, didn't mean to make it about me... Just wanted you to hear that it is possible that there isn't anything romantic with the other woman... I don't know the odds or probability of it, but it's possible... If you're interested (and if he is of course), then just use my situation as a reminder that it's easy to jump to conclusions... Be smart and be aware - it's something to pay attention to and ask about if you have questions, but base your decisions on what's happening and not all the thing you can worry about happening... Decide what you're comfortable with (what amount/type of contact they have), and don't feel bad about telling him that's what you need right now... In my case, I know his wife and I have absolute respect for them - if either one asked/told me about something that was a problem I'd immediately adjust - I want the best for them... I'm sorry you're going through this I'm glad you've been so proactive about resources and setting up counselling... Keep looking after and being true to yourself... ((Hugs)) There may be nothing romantic on your end, but that doesn't mean there isn't on his end, even if it isn't physical, but emotional. If he has ever had the thought "gee, it is so easy to talk with Penny! I wish it was as easy to talk with my wife as it is to talk with Penny," then there is some emotional infidelity going on. You have now replaced his wife in a role that should be hers, so even if you guys aren't having sex, he is having an emotional affair.
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Peamac
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea # 418
Posts: 4,229
Jun 26, 2014 0:09:18 GMT
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Post by Peamac on Aug 8, 2014 13:01:02 GMT
Since he's military, I wouldn't do anything drastic with the house, money, etc. Things will go very badly for you when he gets back and you will look like the one who took everything and ended the marriage while he was away defending the country. Get paperwork together, get counselling, go to the chaplain, etc, be prepared, but don't do something that will end up costing you in the end.
A good friend of mine found out her husband had been having an affair while he was deployed, went to his CO and the chaplain, and they still sided with him. They ended up making this work and are still together, nearly ten years later.
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YooHoot
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,432
Jun 26, 2014 3:11:50 GMT
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Post by YooHoot on Aug 8, 2014 13:03:27 GMT
Haven't BTDT and I think that all the advice you've been given is great... I just wanted to say that I am close friends with a male who is going through this type of situation with his wife... There is absolutely nothing romantic at all in our friendship... We became friends because of all the usual reasons - similar senses of humour, interests, have good conversations, etc... The reason I know about the issues him and his wife are working on is because he feels comfortable telling me, nothing more than that... My sense is that it's harder to speak about all the complex emotions with another guy, and that a lot of times he's feeling out how to explain things... He cares for her so much - it's obvious and genuine, and he struggles with how to be honest and open without hurting her... Maybe it's the generation (mid/late 40s), or maybe it's just him, but he's just not good at explaining his emotions when he's worried about her... He can be blunt with me and no one gets hurt... I'm not sure if she knows he's told me this or not, and I worry about that... I know how it could hurt her in a way him talking to a guy friend wouldn't... I've told him this, but I'm not exactly sure what else to do because there isn't anything bad/questionable happening... I have male friends and this is one line that I will not cross because I will not have any sort of emotional intimacy/private knowledge about their marriage on me and experience has also taught me that when a guy does that he may unconsciously be looking for the wife's replacement. Slippery slope time for the guy, IMO. If my male friend has a problem with his wife, I tell him, "Go talk to HER. Why are you talking to ME? Talk to her." Lather, rinse, repeat. As well, I think about how I would feel if my dh were talking to some other woman about me and our marriage. I would be devastated and knowing that his female friend has been privy to his concerns about ME would probably hurt me more than anything my dh would have to say. Gotta agree. If a male friend did that me, I'd have the same response. Discussing this with an opposite sex co-worker no matter how innocent will only blow up in your face.
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Post by peace on Aug 8, 2014 13:26:10 GMT
I just want to say I am sorry. I agree with a lot of the advice here. Plan for the worst- you don't want to be caught off guard now. Get all of your ducks in a row and be prepared. Counseling is a wonderful idea. I have a good friend going through what you are but she isn't ready to pull the plug yet- and that's fine but he is calling all of the shots and it isn't helping her state of mind.
My 20th anniversary is in November- and we've been separated since January. But I'm ready to move on. Once he was gone for a month I just knew if was done.
I hope whatever decision you make it gives you peace.
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Post by jmurray on Aug 8, 2014 13:26:16 GMT
I'm so very sorry this has happened. I can't believe his timing and can't help think it was intentional on his part. I've no opinion as to whether he's cheated or about to with this woman - other than trust your instincts as they're usually spot on.
The one thing you CAN do in all this, is take some time to let this "settle" on you before deciding how you want to play it. If he was still there you'd have to think pretty quickly on your feet at the same time as your mind and emotions are reeling from the shock. So my only advice is for you to take charge and do whatever it is you feel you need / want to do according to YOUR timeline, not his. If you want to pull the pin before he returns then do it. If not then don't. But let this now be about your wishes and decisions, not his. He abdicated any right to that when he ran away after lighting the fuse.
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,960
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Aug 8, 2014 13:32:03 GMT
I just wanted to send hugs to you.
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