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Post by transprntbutterfly on Aug 9, 2014 16:17:01 GMT
I am so sorry you are going through this.
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Post by Kelpea on Aug 9, 2014 16:49:29 GMT
I'm very sorry, and to be honest, we seen this all too many times in Pealand, and it rarely ends well. Your red flags are waving pretty wildly right now, and it doesn't look good.
I'm a firm believer in that marriages CAN survive infidelity but with couples and individual counseling, as it often seems the actual affair is merely a symptom of what's wrong in the marriage.
That being said, please do become very aggressive in getting passwords changed immediately to gain control of the household accounts and whatnot. There has never been a better time to do this; get the power back if you haven't done so already.
Julie formertravelagent had the best advice I've seen on the thread so far. I would also add that you should check your phones if you are on the same account. All carriers now offer online monitoring. You won't be able to actually SEE texts (that requires a court order), but you can see the numbers and times a certain phone number has been called or texted.
Good luck.
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Post by gavinsmom on Aug 10, 2014 18:49:36 GMT
The friend is a welcome distraction for him to NOT work on your relationship. Be prepared to end your marriage. That has been my recent experience
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Post by theboydbunch on Aug 10, 2014 19:25:47 GMT
Just checking in to see if there's been an update from the OP. When does your husband return from his trip? I'm thinking of you!
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Post by myhearthurts on Aug 11, 2014 23:02:45 GMT
Just checking in to see if there's been an update from the OP. When does your husband return from his trip? I'm thinking of you! Thanks for thinking of me. No real updates at this point. My husband is on a military exercise and will be home in about 4 months. We have been talking via Skype, FaceTime etc. but without really good connections so mostly just chat about what we are doing in our daily lives. I have been in contact with a Pea who has been through a similar experience and have benefited from her perspective. Also had a long phone conversation with an out of town friend who has been helpful. Have my first counselling session tomorrow, have an appointment with our financial counsellor and setting up an appointment with a lawyer. Not making any solid moves at this point but getting myself organized. As I said, I do love him, marriages have survived worse, and I am committed to trying to save ours. I know many of you would not do the same, and I may come to that conclusion myself someday, but for right now that is where my heart and mind are. I still appreciate all of your advice and insight.
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YooHoot
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,432
Jun 26, 2014 3:11:50 GMT
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Post by YooHoot on Aug 11, 2014 23:17:37 GMT
Just checking in to see if there's been an update from the OP. When does your husband return from his trip? I'm thinking of you! Thanks for thinking of me. No real updates at this point. My husband is on a military exercise and will be home in about 4 months. We have been talking via Skype, FaceTime etc. but without really good connections so mostly just chat about what we are doing in our daily lives. I have been in contact with a Pea who has been through a similar experience and have benefited from her perspective. Also had a long phone conversation with an out of town friend who has been helpful. Have my first counselling session tomorrow, have an appointment with our financial counsellor and setting up an appointment with a lawyer. Not making any solid moves at this point but getting myself organized. As I said, I do love him, marriages have survived worse, and I am committed to trying to save ours. I know many of you would not do the same, and I may come to that conclusion myself someday, but for right now that is where my heart and mind are. I still appreciate all of your advice and insight. Honestly, I'd probably not make myself very "available" to him. You don't get to drop a bombshell on my life and then think I'm going to chitchat with you like nothing happened. Your life, your choice but damn if you should let him feel like "well that went okay! Guess I can do what I want to do guilt free!". Glad you are getting guidance and help from friends and counselors though. Best of luck.
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Post by momofkandn on Aug 11, 2014 23:26:28 GMT
Just checking in to see if there's been an update from the OP. When does your husband return from his trip? I'm thinking of you! Thanks for thinking of me. No real updates at this point. My husband is on a military exercise and will be home in about 4 months. We have been talking via Skype, FaceTime etc. but without really good connections so mostly just chat about what we are doing in our daily lives. I have been in contact with a Pea who has been through a similar experience and have benefited from her perspective. Also had a long phone conversation with an out of town friend who has been helpful. Have my first counselling session tomorrow, have an appointment with our financial counsellor and setting up an appointment with a lawyer. Not making any solid moves at this point but getting myself organized. As I said, I do love him, marriages have survived worse, and I am committed to trying to save ours. I know many of you would not do the same, and I may come to that conclusion myself someday, but for right now that is where my heart and mind are. I still appreciate all of your advice and insight. You do whatever you feel is the right thing to do. It's your marriage, your life. And there's no rush to figure it all out. You are on the right track with the counselling and the lawyer. When you talk to your husband, talk about whatever you are comfortable with. I tried for a long time to save my marriage and it was absolutely the right choice for me even though it didn't work out. I have no regrets. And as long a you do what you feel is right in your heart, you won't have any regrets either. Sending you strength and hugs!!!
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Aug 12, 2014 2:26:54 GMT
Thank you for the update.
(((hugs)))
Only you know what is best for you.
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Post by megop on Aug 12, 2014 2:31:11 GMT
Aug 11/14
Thanks for thinking of me. No real updates at this point. My husband is on a military exercise and will be home in about 4 months. We have been talking via Skype, FaceTime etc. but without really good connections so mostly just chat about what we are doing in our daily lives. I have been in contact with a Pea who has been through a similar experience and have benefited from her perspective. Also had a long phone conversation with an out of town friend who has been helpful. Have my first counselling session tomorrow, have an appointment with our financial advisor and setting up an appointment with a lawyer. Not making any solid moves at this point but getting myself organized. As I said, I do love him, marriages have survived worse, and I am committed to trying to save ours. I know many of you would not do the same, and I may come to that conclusion myself someday, but for right now that is where my heart and mind are. I still appreciate all of your advice and insight.
-------------------
Well done. Best course of action you could take. Like I said before, you aren't in a race, you are in marathon. And while the journey won't be easy, and you will have ups and downs, just do what is necessary for you and yours, to feel the most secure you can as you move forward. Getting educated as to the options you have to make your plan, is the most wise thing you can do at this point.
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Post by Dixie Lou on Aug 12, 2014 4:09:41 GMT
My situation is minute compared to yours but we do have a bit in common. I too want to save my marriage. Good for you getting organized the way you are. I hope everything works out the way you want it to.
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Pamelou
Full Member
Posts: 237
Jun 30, 2014 22:25:19 GMT
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Post by Pamelou on Aug 12, 2014 4:22:40 GMT
{{{HUGS}}} And I do hope all works out the way you want, whatever you decide.
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Aug 12, 2014 4:47:07 GMT
You are approaching this with grace, intelligence and great maturity. I not sure I would be able to handle this as well (and certainly not as gracefully) as you have. I hope that your marriage recovers. I think you will find great support here no matter what you choose.
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Post by jmd74 on Aug 12, 2014 7:14:54 GMT
I wish you well with whatever you decide!
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Post by myhearthurts on Aug 13, 2014 1:05:49 GMT
Aug 12 update (also in OP)
Anonymous here but I've see the Peas give great advice over the years.
DH gave me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore" line the other day. He is currently away for work and I am trying to get myself together. I have bought a few books on this exact subject and some say it is the death of it all while others give some hope. I was aware we had been growing apart (kids, jobs, etc) but never expected this. He says it has been brewing for him for a while. There is a female friend that I know he texts with and while he says she did not come between us, which is probably true as this is a new development, that she is just a good friend (I know, I know!) but I know there is interest there. He says he will use this time away at work to do some thinking.
We celebrated our 19th anniversary days before his proclamation. I am angry at him, at me, sad, hurt regretful and a thousand other things. I start counselling next week.
I will gladly take advice, resource recommendations, been there-done that stories, etc. I love him with all my heart but if this is the end on his part I need to prepare myself for that.
Thanks.
Aug 11/14
Thanks for thinking of me. No real updates at this point. My husband is on a military exercise and will be home in about 4 months. We have been talking via Skype, FaceTime etc. but without really good connections so mostly just chat about what we are doing in our daily lives. I have been in contact with a Pea who has been through a similar experience and have benefited from her perspective. Also had a long phone conversation with an out of town friend who has been helpful. Have my first counselling session tomorrow, have an appointment with our financial advisor and setting up an appointment with a lawyer. Not making any solid moves at this point but getting myself organized. As I said, I do love him, marriages have survived worse, and I am committed to trying to save ours. I know many of you would not do the same, and I may come to that conclusion myself someday, but for right now that is where my heart and mind are. I still appreciate all of your advice and insight.
Aug 12
You are all going to think I am a troll looking for attention when I fill you in today, but most of it isn't really marriage related.
My husband left on Wednesday, the 30th and on the 31st DD15 ended up in the hospital for 4 nights with cellulitis from a "walking in the woods with flip flops incident" from the Saturday before. Ended up having minor surgery and removing 4 pieces of wood from her foot. It was never life threatening - the hospital was very proactive, care was good, but you can imagine how I was feeling with all the other crap going on in my life. Plus I pretty much abandoned DD 13. I spent one night in the hospital as DD didn't even get admitted to her room til almost 1 am (had to change hospitals - small town where we go to ER doesn't have a kids unit, had to go to the city 20 minutes away) and had called friends earlier in the night to take younger DD. Usually when DH is away I get something simple like a flat tire or broken furnace Anyway, DD is fine, we were back to the surgeon Friday and she still has an open wound but can walk on it. Was supposed to go on vacation (family lives near the beach) this week but due to the open wound and hobbling around we postponed. She has to go back again to check on healing.
So...you figure I had enough to deal with??? Not to be! FIL had a heart attack last night. Connected with DH via FB in the very early am. At this point his father is stable in a hospital about 4 hours from us but it looks like they will be moving him to a hospital about 1 hour from us. DH is unsure of what is up for him as we are waiting more test results. Things seem good as heart attacks go. He also has Parkinson's and really needs to be in assisted living so maybe this will be the point at which he finally gives in.
I had my first counselling session today. Lots of tears but I got to tell my story. She had some good words for me to think about. I shouldn't be shouldering the blame. He is tossing me nuggets (as many of you mentioned), no need to go to a lawyer, needs time to think about it, etc. Hedging his bets in case he changes his mind. I am a bit conflicted as I told her I wanted to work on saving my marriage and she seemed to be preparing me for divorce - although I too am preparing in case that is the way we go. Anyway, we have decided I am going to work on me. Seems I have some self esteem issues. Stop blaming myself, etc. which will prepare me for whatever happens. I cannot make him change his mind. He would need to change it on his own. And while I still hope that can happen I will be as strong as I can be either way.
Thanks for listening (reading) again!
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Post by roundtwo on Aug 13, 2014 1:34:05 GMT
Your counsellor has given you some good things to think about. I think you have been selling yourself short in all of this. You don't have to decide right this second if you stay or leave but you do have to stop letting your husband call the shots. Someone mentioned up thread that you should give consideration to trying to do the 180 as described on surviving infidelity. It really would be a good thing to give it a go - it would be good for your self-esteem and it would help you when dealing with your husband as well. Sorry to hear about the other issues going on for you right now as well. What an incredibly tough month you are having!
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Post by momofkandn on Aug 13, 2014 1:39:29 GMT
Oh honey you are going through so much all at once. Prayers for a speedy recovery for your DD And FIL.
Your counsellor is right. Focus on you. You won't be able to control him. He will make his own decision. But you can control you. You can decide for yourself what you want and need. Keep preparing for either eventuality. It sounds like he's sitting on the fence right now. Keeping both options open. You don't have to wait for him. Push him off when YOU are ready. Don't let him leave you in limbo forever. If you want to fix your marriage then decide what that looks like and demand it of him. If he can't deliver then you will be prepared for divorce. If he's willing, marriage counseling can help you both communicate your needs and maybe bridge the gap. But take the time he is away to do a little soul searching and figure out what you want.
Big hugs!!!!
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Post by Aheartfeltcard on Aug 13, 2014 1:45:59 GMT
Anonymous here but I've see the Peas give great advice over the years. DH gave me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore" line the other day. He is currently away for work and I am trying to get myself together. I have bought a few books on this exact subject and some say it is the death of it all while others give some hope. I was aware we had been growing apart (kids, jobs, etc) but never expected this. He says it has been brewing for him for a while. There is a female friend that I know he texts with and while he says she did not come between us, which is probably true as this is a new development, that she is just a good friend (I know, I know!) but I know there is interest there. He says he will use this time away at work to do some thinking. We celebrated our 19th anniversary days before his proclamation. I am angry at him, at me, sad, hurt regretful and a thousand other things. I start counselling next week. I will gladly take advice, resource recommendations, been there-done that stories, etc. I love him with all my heart but if this is the end on his part I need to prepare myself for that. Thanks. Aug 11/14 Thanks for thinking of me. No real updates at this point. My husband is on a military exercise and will be home in about 4 months. We have been talking via Skype, FaceTime etc. but without really good connections so mostly just chat about what we are doing in our daily lives. I have been in contact with a Pea who has been through a similar experience and have benefited from her perspective. Also had a long phone conversation with an out of town friend who has been helpful. Have my first counselling session tomorrow, have an appointment with our financial advisor and setting up an appointment with a lawyer. Not making any solid moves at this point but getting myself organized. As I said, I do love him, marriages have survived worse, and I am committed to trying to save ours. I know many of you would not do the same, and I may come to that conclusion myself someday, but for right now that is where my heart and mind are. I still appreciate all of your advice and insight. Aug 12 You are all going to think I am a troll looking for attention when I fill you in today, but most of it isn't really marriage related. My husband left on Wednesday, the 30th and on the 31st DD15 ended up in the hospital for 4 nights with cellulitis from a "walking in the woods with flip flops incident" from the Saturday before. Ended up having minor surgery and removing 4 pieces of wood from her foot. It was never life threatening - the hospital was very proactive, care was good, but you can imagine how I was feeling with all the other crap going on in my life. Plus I pretty much abandoned DD 13. I spent one night in the hospital as DD didn't even get admitted to her room til almost 1 am (had to change hospitals - small town where we go to ER doesn't have a kids unit, had to go to the city 20 minutes away) and had called friends earlier in the night to take younger DD. Usually when DH is away I get something simple like a flat tire or broken furnace Anyway, DD is fine, we were back to the surgeon Friday and she still has an open wound but can walk on it. Was supposed to go on vacation (family lives near the beach) this week but due to the open wound and hobbling around we postponed. She has to go back again to check on healing.
So...you figure I had enough to deal with??? Not to be! FIL had a heart attack last night. Connected with DH via FB in the very early am. At this point his father is stable in a hospital about 4 hours from us but it looks like they will be moving him to a hospital about 1 hour from us. DH is unsure of what is up for him as we are waiting more test results. Things seem good as heart attacks go. He also has Parkinson's and really needs to be in assisted living so maybe this will be the point at which he finally gives in.
I had my first counselling session today. Lots of tears but I got to tell my story. She had some good words for me to think about. I shouldn't be shouldering the blame. He is tossing me nuggets (as many of you mentioned), no need to go to a lawyer, needs time to think about it, etc. Hedging his bets in case he changes his mind. I am a bit conflicted as I told her I wanted to work on saving my marriage and she seemed to be preparing me for divorce - although I too am preparing in case that is the way we go. Anyway, we have decided I am going to work on me. Seems I have some self esteem issues. Stop blaming myself, etc. which will prepare me for whatever happens. I cannot make him change his mind. He would need to change it on his own. And while I still hope that can happen I will be as strong as I can be either way.
Thanks for listening (reading) again!I don't want to sound corny but I am very proud of the steps you are tAking. I don't think there is anything wrong with trying to save the marriage. At the same time, you are being very realistic in terms of expectations and taking care of you. I'm sorry for the other issues that are interfering. I hope fil gets what is needed and your dd recovers quickly.
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Post by straggler on Aug 13, 2014 1:58:36 GMT
No advice, just ((((Hugs))))!
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Post by woodysbetty on Aug 13, 2014 2:08:08 GMT
I'm sorry you are going through this......I think the counselor is giving you good advice....having an exit strategy gives you more control....even if you decide against using it.....keep your options open.....makes sense and protects your DDs. Hang in there you are stronger than you think and worth more than what he is giving right now.....
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Aug 13, 2014 2:18:36 GMT
I don't have any amazing wisdom, but (((hugs)))
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Post by traceys on Aug 13, 2014 3:05:01 GMT
So sorry for all you are going through! I'm glad you have a counselor to work through things with, and I think the approach is absolutely right. Concentrate on *you*. You don't have to decide tomorrow what you want to do...take your time and don't let anyone push you one way or another. Lots of us out here are holding you up in prayer and positive thoughts, and will continue to do so! (((((HUGS)))))
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Post by peasapie on Aug 13, 2014 4:06:03 GMT
Working on taking care of you, as you're doing, is the very best approach. No matter what the outcome on his end, which you can't control, you can come out of this stronger and wiser and be a great role model for your kids. That's how I looked at my divorce, and I'm truly so much happier now. Wishing you the very best.
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Post by AngieandSnoopy on Aug 13, 2014 4:24:54 GMT
Sorry you are going through so much in addition to the bombshell your "H" threw you. Work on you and do NOT let him get you down. I know, easier said than done.
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Post by scrapnatya on Aug 13, 2014 5:34:58 GMT
You poor thing! That is a log to deal with alone right ow. I'm glad you are going to counseling. It will do you good to have a safe place to talk things out.
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Post by anniefb on Aug 13, 2014 6:03:14 GMT
So sorry to hear about these other things you're dealing with as well. It's great to hear you have a counselor and you have to do what's best for *you*.
Hugs!
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Post by peace on Aug 13, 2014 12:05:18 GMT
Wishing you well! You sure have enough on your plate.
I think since the counselor knew you wanted to save your marriage, that she wants you to be prepared in case it doesn't work. Working on YOU is the best thing to do. Good luck with everything!
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Post by mikklynn on Aug 13, 2014 12:54:46 GMT
Holy buckets, that is a lot to deal with. Please, in this case, put yourself first. Really! Do not feel guilty about it. Getting yourself in a good place will only help your kids.
Best wishes!
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,960
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Aug 13, 2014 13:07:41 GMT
You are dealing with a lot right now! I am happy to hear you did go see someone and are starting to work on YOU. I am a strong believer in seeing a therapist/counselor. I hope the best for you! HUGS
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Post by alibama on Aug 13, 2014 13:27:57 GMT
Oh my goodness, I am sorry to hear about the additional trouble. Glad your daughter is okay though. Hope your father in Law is okay also.
As for your marriage that is only something you can decide, I am glad you are talking to someone who can help you through it.
Remember we are always here to listen.
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stittsygirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,600
Location: In the leaves and rain.
Jun 25, 2014 19:57:33 GMT
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Post by stittsygirl on Aug 13, 2014 13:46:48 GMT
I have no better advice than what you've been given, but I just wanted to send you and your family a virtual hug.
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