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Post by alibama on Aug 8, 2014 13:38:06 GMT
I have not (thankfully) BTDT, and I have no real recommendations, but I hated to just read and run. The only advice I can think to offer is to be prepared. For anything. This could mean he's done, but it could mean that the two of you just need to do some real soul searching, and reevaluating. Be strong. Figure out what YOU need and how to communicate that to him. Best of luck to you! (((HUGS)))
I wanted to second this!
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Post by BuckeyeSandy on Aug 8, 2014 14:11:43 GMT
I'm sorry. I don't want to be too negative, but IMO, when they give you that line coupled with the really close friend, "but she's only a friend" story, then I think they're full of shit. It's good that you're getting some individual counseling. Will he agree to couples counseling? I think his answer to that will help you know where things are headed. There is an "excitement" and a "connection;" he may not have completely left you, but he is having an "emotional affair" and is "sharing" with someone else, OUTSIDE of the marriage bond. You are now more "mom" than "wife" to him. Anything with you is an obligation, he MUST DO IT. With this "friend" around, there are no "good times" for you both together. Several things "saved" our marriage from this type of thing ending it. Some was timing, some was a effort on my part and some was a real effort on my husband's part. The "so-called" friend moved on to her "next" conquest, don't mistake me, serious damage was done and we are still rebuilding. She had a habit of taking up "friendships" with male co-workers and wreaking their personal lives. She keeps turning up like a bad penny. DH "woke-up" to the seriousness when he found out I had been seeing a lawyer. I do hope you both can work through this and find a good ending. It is really hell to go through it.
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Post by lovemybabes on Aug 8, 2014 14:19:54 GMT
I have no idea about advice, but I wanted to say I am sorry you are going through this. ((hugs))
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Post by BuckeyeSandy on Aug 8, 2014 14:20:34 GMT
I have male friends and this is one line that I will not cross because I will not have any sort of emotional intimacy/private knowledge about their marriage on me and experience has also taught me that when a guy does that he may unconsciously be looking for the wife's replacement. Slippery slope time for the guy, IMO. If my male friend has a problem with his wife, I tell him, "Go talk to HER. Why are you talking to ME? Talk to her." Lather, rinse, repeat. As well, I think about how I would feel if my dh were talking to some other woman about me and our marriage. I would be devastated and knowing that his female friend has been privy to his concerns about ME would probably hurt me more than anything my dh would have to say. Gotta agree. If a male friend did that me, I'd have the same response. Discussing this with an opposite sex co-worker no matter how innocent will only blow up in your face. Another female with male friends that WILL NOT CROSS THAT LINE! Funny that as a young woman I did not see those things coming, as a mature woman I see it all too clearly.
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Post by penny on Aug 8, 2014 15:51:30 GMT
Haven't BTDT and I think that all the advice you've been given is great... I just wanted to say that I am close friends with a male who is going through this type of situation with his wife... There is absolutely nothing romantic at all in our friendship... We became friends because of all the usual reasons - similar senses of humour, interests, have good conversations, etc... The reason I know about the issues him and his wife are working on is because he feels comfortable telling me, nothing more than that... My sense is that it's harder to speak about all the complex emotions with another guy, and that a lot of times he's feeling out how to explain things... He cares for her so much - it's obvious and genuine, and he struggles with how to be honest and open without hurting her... Maybe it's the generation (mid/late 40s), or maybe it's just him, but he's just not good at explaining his emotions when he's worried about her... He can be blunt with me and no one gets hurt... I'm not sure if she knows he's told me this or not, and I worry about that... I know how it could hurt her in a way him talking to a guy friend wouldn't... I've told him this, but I'm not exactly sure what else to do because there isn't anything bad/questionable happening... I have male friends and this is one line that I will not cross because I will not have any sort of emotional intimacy/private knowledge about their marriage on me and experience has also taught me that when a guy does that he may unconsciously be looking for the wife's replacement. Slippery slope time for the guy, IMO. If my male friend has a problem with his wife, I tell him, "Go talk to HER. Why are you talking to ME? Talk to her." Lather, rinse, repeat. As well, I think about how I would feel if my dh were talking to some other woman about me and our marriage. I would be devastated and knowing that his female friend has been privy to his concerns about ME would probably hurt me more than anything my dh would have to say. That's so fair and reasonable - I'd feel the exact same way... I have told him also, but maybe I should make a decision rather than just tell him how it could hurt them... We've been friends for decades and there's not much I don't know about him so it doesn't feel wrong/bad/etc, they're the most wonderful people and I'd hate for even the idea or perception of something other than friendship hurting her/their relationship... Thanks for the feedback...
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Post by penny on Aug 8, 2014 16:00:25 GMT
Haven't BTDT and I think that all the advice you've been given is great... I just wanted to say that I am close friends with a male who is going through this type of situation with his wife... There is absolutely nothing romantic at all in our friendship... We became friends because of all the usual reasons - similar senses of humour, interests, have good conversations, etc... The reason I know about the issues him and his wife are working on is because he feels comfortable telling me, nothing more than that... My sense is that it's harder to speak about all the complex emotions with another guy, and that a lot of times he's feeling out how to explain things... He cares for her so much - it's obvious and genuine, and he struggles with how to be honest and open without hurting her... Maybe it's the generation (mid/late 40s), or maybe it's just him, but he's just not good at explaining his emotions when he's worried about her... He can be blunt with me and no one gets hurt... I'm not sure if she knows he's told me this or not, and I worry about that... I know how it could hurt her in a way him talking to a guy friend wouldn't... I've told him this, but I'm not exactly sure what else to do because there isn't anything bad/questionable happening... Anyways, didn't mean to make it about me... Just wanted you to hear that it is possible that there isn't anything romantic with the other woman... I don't know the odds or probability of it, but it's possible... If you're interested (and if he is of course), then just use my situation as a reminder that it's easy to jump to conclusions... Be smart and be aware - it's something to pay attention to and ask about if you have questions, but base your decisions on what's happening and not all the thing you can worry about happening... Decide what you're comfortable with (what amount/type of contact they have), and don't feel bad about telling him that's what you need right now... In my case, I know his wife and I have absolute respect for them - if either one asked/told me about something that was a problem I'd immediately adjust - I want the best for them... I'm sorry you're going through this I'm glad you've been so proactive about resources and setting up counselling... Keep looking after and being true to yourself... ((Hugs)) There may be nothing romantic on your end, but that doesn't mean there isn't on his end, even if it isn't physical, but emotional. If he has ever had the thought "gee, it is so easy to talk with Penny! I wish it was as easy to talk with my wife as it is to talk with Penny," then there is some emotional infidelity going on. You have now replaced his wife in a role that should be hers, so even if you guys aren't having sex, he is having an emotional affair. Thanks for that perspective... Like I said, we've known each other for decades and I think of him like a brother... It actually creeps me out that he might see it in some other way... To the OP, these Peas make really valid points... I can't argue them at all and yet I can honestly say there is nothing going on... Be aware and suspicious, but don't assume or base major decisions on worries that have no basis... Not that you need to wait for notarized proof, I just mean that any decision you make will be a big one and have so many consequences, that when you look back at it you want to feel sure you made sound decisions... Wondering 'but what if he didn't' or feeling like you jumped the gun (whichever choice you make), will only make the next stages more cluttered in your head... Not sure if I'm explaining it well... Wishing you nothing but good things...
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suzastampin
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,587
Jun 28, 2014 14:32:59 GMT
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Post by suzastampin on Aug 8, 2014 16:58:44 GMT
I've not been through this, but do you even want to stay married to someone who is not in love with you anymore? If I were in your shoes, I'd be using this time while he is away to make copies of all your important papers (bank accounts, income taxes, retirement accounts, etc.). Get a PO box, either get a safety deposit box or ask a friend if you can leave paperwork at her house. Make an appointment with a couple of lawyers to see what your options are. Have your ducks in a row by the time he's back. Be prepared so that you are ready for whatever happens. This info is new to you, but he's had time to think about this long before this trip.
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loco coco
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,662
Jun 26, 2014 16:15:45 GMT
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Post by loco coco on Aug 8, 2014 17:08:23 GMT
Haven't BTDT and I think that all the advice you've been given is great... I just wanted to say that I am close friends with a male who is going through this type of situation with his wife... There is absolutely nothing romantic at all in our friendship... We became friends because of all the usual reasons - similar senses of humour, interests, have good conversations, etc... The reason I know about the issues him and his wife are working on is because he feels comfortable telling me, nothing more than that... My sense is that it's harder to speak about all the complex emotions with another guy, and that a lot of times he's feeling out how to explain things... He cares for her so much - it's obvious and genuine, and he struggles with how to be honest and open without hurting her... Maybe it's the generation (mid/late 40s), or maybe it's just him, but he's just not good at explaining his emotions when he's worried about her... He can be blunt with me and no one gets hurt... I'm not sure if she knows he's told me this or not, and I worry about that... I know how it could hurt her in a way him talking to a guy friend wouldn't... I've told him this, but I'm not exactly sure what else to do because there isn't anything bad/questionable happening... Anyways, didn't mean to make it about me... Just wanted you to hear that it is possible that there isn't anything romantic with the other woman... I don't know the odds or probability of it, but it's possible... If you're interested (and if he is of course), then just use my situation as a reminder that it's easy to jump to conclusions... Be smart and be aware - it's something to pay attention to and ask about if you have questions, but base your decisions on what's happening and not all the thing you can worry about happening... Decide what you're comfortable with (what amount/type of contact they have), and don't feel bad about telling him that's what you need right now... In my case, I know his wife and I have absolute respect for them - if either one asked/told me about something that was a problem I'd immediately adjust - I want the best for them... I'm sorry you're going through this I'm glad you've been so proactive about resources and setting up counselling... Keep looking after and being true to yourself... ((Hugs)) There may be nothing romantic on your end, but that doesn't mean there isn't on his end, even if it isn't physical, but emotional. If he has ever had the thought "gee, it is so easy to talk with Penny! I wish it was as easy to talk with my wife as it is to talk with Penny," then there is some emotional infidelity going on. You have now replaced his wife in a role that should be hers, so even if you guys aren't having sex, he is having an emotional affair. thats how I read it. I dont think any married man should have that close of relationship, just like I wouldnt share intimate details with another man. Jokes, laughs... sure. There has to be a line drawn because I have found its hard for women and men to be close friends without one of them developing some type of feelings
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Post by I-95 on Aug 8, 2014 17:32:06 GMT
I'm sorry. I don't want to be too negative, but IMO, when they give you that line coupled with the really close friend, "but she's only a friend" story, then I think they're full of shit. It's good that you're getting some individual counseling. Will he agree to couples counseling? I think his answer to that will help you know where things are headed. ITA. A few years back one of my good friends got that speech from her DH. When she told me about it I asked if there could be someone else in the picture. She said she'd asked about a woman he was 'friends' with, but he said they were 'just friends' and she believed that to be true, because he didn't act like he had secrets or was having an affair. Later that evening I was telling my DH about it and he said 'There's another woman'. I said 'no, that's not the situation, my friend asked and is sure that's not what's going on'. DH then said something that made a lot of sense. He said 'sweetie, no man ever get's up one day and decides after 20 years of marriage that he'd suddenly like to be fixing his own dinner, go grocery shopping, doing his own laundry, and can't wait to pay spousal support. There's another woman!' My friend and her DH got divorced and 2 days after it was final he married his 'good friend'. If he's up for counseling, awesome. If he says he doesn't think it will work...get your ducks in a row. I'm sorry
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oldcrow
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,828
Location: Ontario,Canada
Jun 26, 2014 12:25:29 GMT
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Post by oldcrow on Aug 8, 2014 17:46:17 GMT
Get everything in order and then send him a text saying "thank you, I too have felt the same way and your little nudge has made it easier for me to step away"
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Post by penny on Aug 8, 2014 18:44:08 GMT
There may be nothing romantic on your end, but that doesn't mean there isn't on his end, even if it isn't physical, but emotional. If he has ever had the thought "gee, it is so easy to talk with Penny! I wish it was as easy to talk with my wife as it is to talk with Penny," then there is some emotional infidelity going on. You have now replaced his wife in a role that should be hers, so even if you guys aren't having sex, he is having an emotional affair. thats how I read it. I dont think any married man should have that close of relationship, just like I wouldnt share intimate details with another man. Jokes, laughs... sure. There has to be a line drawn because I have found its hard for women and men to be close friends without one of them developing some type of feelings I wouldn't call anything we've discussed "intimate", but it's definitely personal - I get your point though... She also knows that he and I are friends - she contacts me if he's had a bad week (death in the family type thing), to let me know because he is the type of person who wouldn't tell something like that until it 'came up' in conversation... I work in a highly male dominated environment (100/120 women 3800/3900 men), and it's absolutely possible to have male/female friendships where there is more of a brother/sister or 'one of the guys' type relationship... From what I've seen, if a guy has the intention/interest in cheating he's going to get a lot more 'support' from his male friends than his female friends... Not the other woman obviously, but in general, the guys are less likely to call him on it than a female friend would... I so didn't mean to hijack this thread with my situation (although I appreciate the advice because I'd hate to be contributing to anything negative for their family, so thank you)... I think the OP has a lot of things to consider and prepare - copying documents like many have suggested, figuring out what her goals/wants are, and learning what are the different paths/steps she can choose from... If he's cheated, then it's a huge thing to deal with... If he hasn't, then there are still problems that need her time and energy... If that time/energy is spent on something that is a worry and not a fact, then she has less energy for all the other things... She knows that it's a strong possibility that there is/soon could be another woman involved... She knows where the boundaries are for her with that, she needs to find out/judge if that line has been crossed... I'm advocating she be smart, stay aware, get prepared for worst case scenario, and to make her decisions based in what she's sure of...
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oh yvonne
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,062
Jun 26, 2014 0:45:23 GMT
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Post by oh yvonne on Aug 8, 2014 18:48:52 GMT
oh, OP, I'm so sorry honey. <hugs> I'll pray for you, for comfort and strength. No matter what is to come. You never know what lies before you..you never know where life will lead you.
Its never over until its over, you never know. That's the hard part, I know. We'll be here for you, no matter what the outcome. Be strong.
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Post by susans sister on Aug 8, 2014 19:03:08 GMT
Could you hire a private investigator to find out if "she" is with him? That evidence could come in very handy IF it comes time to divorce. And you will know for sure one way or the other.
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Post by BeckyTech on Aug 8, 2014 20:44:27 GMT
I've not been through this, but do you even want to stay married to someone who is not in love with you anymore? At first consideration, I would tend to agree, BUT, over the years I've seen couples go through some very, very low points in their marriages. I mean really bad. The not-in-love bad by the women and (later found out) by the men as well. Not just a few weeks, but several months. But they stuck it out somehow and ended up with stronger relationships. In none of the three cases I'm thinking about was infidelity involved, but long-term relationships really can have their low points and still survive. It just all depends on how committed they are to each other. I know that in all three cases, divorce was very nearly a consideration simply because it would have been the easy way out. OP, it sounds like you already know to proceed with caution, so my best to you.
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Post by myhearthurts on Aug 8, 2014 20:57:31 GMT
I threw a little temper-tantrum for you and now I just wanted to send you a cyber {{hug}}. You're on the right path educating yourself legally and seeking counseling. Whatever happens, you will be OK! Thanks! I needed that temper tantrum
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Post by myhearthurts on Aug 8, 2014 20:59:21 GMT
Could you hire a private investigator to find out if "she" is with him? That evidence could come in very handy IF it comes time to divorce. And you will know for sure one way or the other. She is definitely not there. He is on a military exercise and it would be next to impossible for her to get where he is.
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Post by myhearthurts on Aug 8, 2014 21:02:34 GMT
Get everything in order and then send him a text saying "thank you, I too have felt the same way and your little nudge has made it easier for me to step away" Have definitely thought of this option...and worse but it really isn't in me to do it...as much as I have been imagining a variety of great scenarios!
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Post by myhearthurts on Aug 8, 2014 21:05:43 GMT
Google 'midlife crisis'. There is a wealth of information out there and a few forums for support. I am currently living through this nightmare. I did not throw him out, he left, he has had an emotional affair, I do not want a divorce. There is no quick fix if it is a midlife crisis, there are no guarantees that he will return if/when he gets through it. PM me if you want further information or want to talk. (((Hugs))). I know just how hurt you are feeling. So sorry that you are sharing the same sorrow...and to others who have dealt with it previously, although your words of brighter futures either on your own or in a reconciliation give hope that things will be good again someday.
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Post by myhearthurts on Aug 8, 2014 21:21:38 GMT
I've not been through this, but do you even want to stay married to someone who is not in love with you Honestly...right now, yes I do. Is that because I truly love him or because I live a comfortable life with him? I really don't know. My feelings are so conflicted, with love and anger vying for the top spot. We've had 21 years of history and lots of great memories that I'm not ready to throw away. Not to mention 2 kids that function well in our family unit - not like there was ever anger or abuse or other harmful behaviour. A previous poster made a comment about living like roommates and this is something he said as well. I really don't want to be that desperate wife who begs and pleads (and so far I haven't been) and I know I can live (financially) without him, but right now I just want want him to stay in my life...as much as he has hurt me. I've been doing a lot of reading and know that I will have a great variety of disparate feelings towards him in the weeks and months ahead so who knows where this journey will take ME. Again I thank you all for trying to help me through this tough time. This weekend I will be copying financial papers and collecting forms needed for a consultation with a lawyer, etc. He is a great "file-er" so everything is organized for me.
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Post by ~Zoey~ on Aug 8, 2014 21:29:43 GMT
It's totally understandable that you are feeling so conflicted; this isn't an easy situation to sort out especially so soon after your husband said those words to you.
Just stay strong and take care of yourself and your children. We'll always be here for you and you can always count on someone being online if/when you need support.
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Post by birukitty on Aug 8, 2014 21:52:28 GMT
I'm so very sorry you are going through this. When I read your post all sort of red flags popped up for me. I've BTDT. 20 years ago for me. The "she's just a friend", turned out to be a 3 year affair. The advice I'd like to give you is this:
Make an appointment with your Gyn doc to get yourself checked out just in case he's cheating (no one else mentioned this so I thought I would). It's always better to be extra careful and catch things early.
There is nothing wrong with you! You could be Playboy's Cover Girl of the Month and he still would have cheated. This is what my therapist told me. It isn't about you at all. It's all about him. So push those "what's wrong with me" thoughts right out of your head. This is on him- his lying, his cheating, his breaking of the vows. He was bored and wanted something new. You don't do this in marriage.
Get the financial papers copied and put in a safe place. If you have a joint bank account take out half of the money and put it in a separate account in your name only. You might want to wait until you see a lawyer to do this-but don't wait too long. I've heard of women who's husband's clear out the accounts and leave them with nothing. Even with kids.
Therapy is essential and helped me enormously! Also check out the website the other Peas mentioned. I've heard great things about it.
I wish you peace and strength as you go through this journey. You will come out the other end happier than you ever thought possible. It doesn't seem like it now, but one day you will be. I promise.
Debbie in MD.
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 8, 2014 22:10:12 GMT
Pennt, I have found that as long as there was no romance at the beginning that lomg time out in the open friendships are less troublesome than newly developed or returns from the past
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suzastampin
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,587
Jun 28, 2014 14:32:59 GMT
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Post by suzastampin on Aug 8, 2014 22:22:09 GMT
Honestly...right now, yes I do. Is that because I truly love him or because I live a comfortable life with him? I really don't know. My feelings are so conflicted, with love and anger vying for the top spot. We've had 21 years of history and lots of great memories that I'm not ready to throw away. Not to mention 2 kids that function well in our family unit - not like there was ever anger or abuse or other harmful behaviour. A previous poster made a comment about living like roommates and this is something he said as well. I really don't want to be that desperate wife who begs and pleads (and so far I haven't been) and I know I can live (financially) without him, but right now I just want want him to stay in my life...as much as he has hurt me. I've been doing a lot of reading and know that I will have a great variety of disparate feelings towards him in the weeks and months ahead so who knows where this journey will take ME. Again I thank you all for trying to help me through this tough time. This weekend I will be copying financial papers and collecting forms needed for a consultation with a lawyer, etc. He is a great "file-er" so everything is organized for me. I can understand this. You've just been hit with something you didn't expect. Protect your heart and don't let him hurt you any more. Hugs to you!
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Post by momofkandn on Aug 8, 2014 22:50:42 GMT
OP, take as much time as you need to figure out what you want. It is not easy to let go of a long term marriage. I stuck with it and tried to save mine for four years. I felt it was my obligation to what I thought of as a life long commitment to give it everything I had. It didn't work out for me because his heart just wasn't in it. But I don't regret the time I took. I wouldn't be comfortable with my decision to divorce now if I had given up sooner.
Use this time that he is away to think and process this whole thing. See the lawyer so that you are prepared. But there is no reason to rush your decision.
Stay strong!
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Post by theboydbunch on Aug 8, 2014 23:01:31 GMT
I have not (thankfully) BTDT, and I have no real recommendations, but I hated to just read and run. The only advice I can think to offer is to be prepared. For anything. This could mean he's done, but it could mean that the two of you just need to do some real soul searching, and reevaluating. Be strong. Figure out what YOU need and how to communicate that to him. Best of luck to you! (((HUGS)))
I wanted to second this!
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Post by emelle64 on Aug 8, 2014 23:08:55 GMT
I really don't have anything to add to the already sound advice you've received but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that you had to hear that from your husband. It sucks. I wish you all the best as you sort this out.
Emelle
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Post by cindyupnorth on Aug 8, 2014 23:20:11 GMT
Does he have a cellphone? are you on the same plan? go in and check his records. texting or calls to her. Did he text/call her after he left the house? and had told you he didn't love you? check the records. They might tell you ALOT.
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Post by heckofagal on Aug 9, 2014 1:43:50 GMT
I'm so sorry you are in this situation right now. Happened to me after 9 years of marriage. He admitted to having 'feelings' for a co-worker but insisted nothing had happened. My gut told me there was more to it and evidence backing up that theory was uncovered down the road. We decided he would move out for a few months to figure out the next steps. (She was out of town during this time so I knew he was not with her.) I bought all the books and joined marriagebuilders.com. and I also spoke to a lawyer. Tried to be the best me without being a doormat. He came back home. It was hard, but we got through it even though he kept working with her. She moved out of state a few years ago. Going through that can also make you appreciate one another more once you are back on solid ground. We just celebrated 22 years. We still have our ups and downs, and occasionally I have one of those days where I wonder why I fought so hard for this man, but most days I am glad we stuck it out and fought to make things work.
I really struggled reconciling my thoughts with his actions back before I knew the truth. I knew something was wrong, but never dreamed he would ever be the type of person to cheat on me. I also had a close male friend so I justified his 'friendship' with this other woman. I also never dreamed I would ever stay with someone who cheated on me, but I knew he still loved me even though I got the 'love you but not in love with you' speech.
Let me know if you need a friend to lean on. I'd be happy to swap emails with you.
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Post by megop on Aug 9, 2014 4:34:21 GMT
I've not been through this, but do you even want to stay married to someone who is not in love with you anymore? At first consideration, I would tend to agree, BUT, over the years I've seen couples go through some very, very low points in their marriages. I mean really bad. The not-in-love bad by the women and (later found out) by the men as well. Not just a few weeks, but several months. But they stuck it out somehow and ended up with stronger relationships. In none of the three cases I'm thinking about was infidelity involved, but long-term relationships really can have their low points and still survive. It just all depends on how committed they are to each other. I know that in all three cases, divorce was very nearly a consideration simply because it would have been the easy way out. OP, it sounds like you already know to proceed with caution, so my best to you. I really want for people to contemplate the statement being "in love" for a moment within themselves. I was "in love" when I was 16 with my first boyfriend. I was also "in love" within a college relationship. I was also "in love" with my XH, and even during the marriage, thought I was "in love" with a great friend, but never acted on it because of my personal boundaries. What does "in love" actually mean? The butterfly thrill of dopamine? The band of brother commitment of longevity through raising kids or facing hardships together and emerging the other side? Great sex? Best friends and partners through thick and thin? I really, really believe, that there are many who mistake the definition of being "in love" with continued and ongoing thrill, romance and validation, when in essence, mature love has so many more facets to it.
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sunnyday
Junior Member
Posts: 72
Jul 3, 2014 15:49:59 GMT
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Post by sunnyday on Aug 9, 2014 5:41:12 GMT
that dopamine chemical that we all had within "new love" is quite intoxicating if you remember. Persons who don't appreciate or have been modeled mature love, mistake this as lasting. It isn't. There's a reason why 95 percent of affairs, last less than two years, and of the 5 percent that survive 2, only 2 percent of them last five.
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Also, some people do not ever "fall in love." They only have the ability to have a pair-bonded type of love. For those who do "fall in love," it must grow into that type of bond. Unfortunately, if your husband is indeed "in love" with someone else, he might not be able to see that this stage eventually fades after a short time. He needs to see that the pair bond he has with you is what will last long term.
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