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Post by shevy on Aug 19, 2014 2:54:56 GMT
Jena and Mary are friends of mine. They're married and have been together for 18 years. They live about a mile from us.
Mary had major surgery earlier this month to remove her colon. The plan was that she would be in the hospital for 2-3 weeks and then transition home for 3 weeks before starting back to work part time from home. She had the surgery on a Monday (it was open abdomen surgery, not laparoscopic) and she was home by Friday. Since that time she's had several complications with her incision. Jena physically cannot care for the wound, her gag reflex kicks in and she becomes ill.
Mary's insurance will only pay for in-home nursing once a day. If Jena can't do it, they were told to come to the ER daily (1 hour round trip, plus wait time & care time) for the second cleaning and packing of the wound. The last time I saw Mary, she could barely sit in a chair for an 45 minutes, let alone a moving vehicle and extended time out of the house daily.
So Jena has asked either DH or I to come over daily and care for Mary's wound.
Watching all of this has made me incredibly grateful for my husband and his careful care of me after my mastectomy. I've cared for my Grandmother after she had knee surgery and a stroke. My sister and I cared for my Mom for days after my Mom had diverticulitis that just about killed her. While none of them was pleasant, I did it because it had to be done. Many times I swallowed hard to get through their care.
I think that I've watched my family do this with generations before them, so it was just how it was done. DH cared for his Mom as she slowly died from uterine cancer when his Dad wouldn't and then in turn helped care for his Dad was he was dying to COPD. So for him, it is also just how it's done.
Could you care for a loved one like this for weeks at a time?
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Post by stampinbetsy on Aug 19, 2014 2:59:30 GMT
I could care for DH, but DH would probably pass out if he had to do it.
My mom isn't great at it, either. My dad has had a couple of minor surgeries in the last few years, and she says the next time he needs some kind of surgery, she's going to ask one of his sisters (who are both nurses) to come take care of him.
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Post by gizzy on Aug 19, 2014 3:00:19 GMT
I'd like to think I could, but I honestly don't know.
You're so nice to help them out. Maybe have her watch you & it would desensitize her to it?
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Post by Crazyhare on Aug 19, 2014 3:01:39 GMT
Yes. Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. DH and I have both had to do things we didn't like for each other after surgery. We have also had my grandfather live with us. He needed care after surgery and we had to pitch in. It's what family does.
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Post by 2peafaithful on Aug 19, 2014 3:07:33 GMT
Yes, I could. My heart was always to be a nurse and although I didn't fulfill that dream I often feel like I do in other ways.
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Post by kristalina on Aug 19, 2014 3:19:02 GMT
Yes, and I have - after heart surgery, prostate surgery and one knee replacement and soon to be another knee replacement.
eta: I forgot my dh's diverticulitis surgery, re-reading your post reminded me. It was so long ago. But dh never had any complications and he's not a complainer, so his recoveries were all fairly easy.
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Post by seikashaven on Aug 19, 2014 3:20:40 GMT
I think I could and I know DH could care for me because he's had to in the past.
But I feel badly for anyone who honestly cannot do it. It must be awful to want to help and be unable to do so. I'm sure she feels guilty.
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Post by rst on Aug 19, 2014 3:22:08 GMT
I've done it many times (11 surgeries for my son, 2 for my DH) and there will be more. I don't like physical caregiving, and I gag withe best of them-- except when caring for my family. Then you suck it up and get it done.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Aug 19, 2014 3:25:27 GMT
I could and I have.
But I do feel for someone who truly didn't have the stomach for it. They must feel guilt at not being able to help.
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Deleted
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Oct 9, 2024 22:16:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2014 3:26:46 GMT
Honestly....no. I have horrible bedside manner...HORRIBLE!
DH had his gallbladder removed a few years back and I couldn't deal with it. I don't do recovery well - I expect my patient to heal quick. LOL
I know my limits so if we were in this situation it would be tough for me. I'm a bad person I know.
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Post by Crack-a-lackin on Aug 19, 2014 3:27:41 GMT
I don't know. I would if I had to and if it wasn't too severe it wouldn't bother me too much, but if it was a major surgery or too gross i would certainly hire a nurse to come do the other bandage change if I couldn't get through it. When my mom had open heart I was afraid of doing too much because I thought I'd hurt her. That was worse than the grossness.
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Post by shevy on Aug 19, 2014 3:30:13 GMT
Jena feels really guilty. Mary is the primary wage earner and Jena is on disability for mental health issues. Jena is experiencing a lot of stress and has taken to venting to DH, who is a sweetheart and has had 3 am conversations with her to support her. They're really short on money and even though I've been taking them at least 2 meals a week, Jena's started going to the food shelf. I wish we could do more, but DH is only working on contract and it's been slow.
The whole experience made me more appreciative for my DH and my family and the friends we have.
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Deleted
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Oct 9, 2024 22:16:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2014 3:30:16 GMT
I could. It's questionable if DH could, but he has pulled through in the past so I'm sure he could.
However, a neighbor recently had a knee replacement and I was shocked that a couple of weeks later, her husband wouldn't even look at the healing scar.
EDITED: I change my answer. I know that DH could because he was excellent with my dad when he was dying after a car accident. He has the better bedside manner although things like blood and shots do bother him some. I can handle that with no problem, but I'm not a great caregiver (I'm a "get shit done for you and get you back on your feet" giver)
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Post by PEArfect on Aug 19, 2014 3:35:54 GMT
I helped care for my mom during the worst of her ALS. She had a g-tube, and was basically paralyzed. She had very little movement in her ankles, neck, and wrists. She went to a full time facility when my dad and I could no longer manage her pain.
I also helped my husband during his chemo treatments, and would have been more than willing to help after his bone marrow transplant surgery. Unfortunately he never had the opprotunity.
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Post by padresfan619 on Aug 19, 2014 3:44:44 GMT
Of course I could. That is what I signed up for when I got married.
I would do the same for my parents, my brother and many of my friends if they needed help.
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Post by M~ on Aug 19, 2014 3:45:16 GMT
Yep. My granny and sister have had several surgeries and I've helped take care of them. For my grandmother, we stay at the hospital overnight because she doesn't speak English.
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Post by leslie132 on Aug 19, 2014 3:46:31 GMT
I already have.
My husband had a brain tumor discovered last year. I had twin babies that were 4 months old, and an 8 year old at the time. I drove to the hospital daily with all 3 kids, watched nurses, and talked to his doctor daily. He came home after a short stay at rehab.
I knew, even as he signed the discharge papers, something was wrong. He was home for a day and a half when I discovered his fever. He didn't want to go back to the hospital, but I insisted. He, while staying at the rehab hospital, had developed an infection at the surgery site. When his doctor came in to talk, he was amazed how quickly I picked up on the infection. He had thought my husband was still at the other hospital. And that the staff had caught it.
From that point on the doctor trusted me to watch over my husband. I had to wrap his head daily, watch/clean the site and every day I was in charge of prepping his meds, cleaning his pick line, and doing the distributing of the meds.
With taking care of my husband, and my family I found a lot of inner strength. I surprised a lot of people. In the end though I was surprised, and humbled, with how many people helped us. It was easy to stand strong..... So many were holding us up!
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Aug 19, 2014 3:47:06 GMT
I could do it. And I've helped other people change their dressings, helped them to the bathroom, etc. Doesn't bother me.
My dh could not. (Believe me, he's tried. He really wishes he weren't this way, but anything medical with me or the girls and his blood pressure hits the floor and so does his face. He ends up unconscious on the floor needing a trip to the hospital himself to be checked for concussions from hitting his head.) I'd be up the creek without a paddle if I needed post-surgery care since our girls are all out of the house now. I have no idea what would happen. I guess we'd have to deplete our savings to pay for home nursing for me.
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Post by andreasmom on Aug 19, 2014 3:51:26 GMT
I could and i have.
Dh can not. My mom/sister/friends helped us with c-sections and other minor non relevant surgeries.
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Post by scrapmaven on Aug 19, 2014 3:57:17 GMT
My dh has an iron stomach and isn't at all squeamish. He's taken care of me through wound vac changes, J-tubes, ports, you name it. He's a trooper and was actually fascinated watching some of my procedures. He's seen more of me than most husbands will ever see in a lifetime. My surgeon won't allow him in the OR for my next surgery, but dh would find it fascinating and would learn a lot from the process. I used to be the most squeamish person on the planet. Though I still am squeamish about some stuff, I often have to do my own daily care of devices, implanted tubes, etc. and it's a matter of learning to make it routine and getting used to it. If I treat it like a normal daily activity then that is what it becomes. It's all in the attitude. I am pretty sure I could take care of dh w/o passing out. The only caveat is that I'm too small and weak to lift him. Next week I'm taking care of a teen after wisdom tooth removal and I am focused on comfort and rest. Changing gauze is part of the job as is dispensing frequent doses of ice cream. It's an ew, but I've seen and tended to much worse on my own body. Yes. I could care for dh, but I hope w/all of my heart that it never becomes an issue. He's my rock and my caretaker. I would never want him to go through any of this.
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TXMary
Pearl Clutcher
And so many nights I just dream of the ocean. God, I wish I was sailin' again.
Posts: 2,964
Jun 26, 2014 17:25:06 GMT
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Post by TXMary on Aug 19, 2014 4:04:33 GMT
Absolutely, yes. When I think of all that my DH did for me following my mastectomy and TRAM flap reconstruction...I owe him big time!!
***ETA- and chemo...he was amazing to me during chemo. Boy...I really do owe him!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2014 4:37:07 GMT
Yes I took care of my sister. I wish I could have done more.
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garcia5050
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 25, 2014 23:22:29 GMT
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Post by garcia5050 on Aug 19, 2014 4:45:52 GMT
I believe I can, but I'm sure there are some people who believe they could, but when the situation presents itself, can't follow through. I'm not sure if my DH could.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2014 5:07:32 GMT
My DH could and would take care of me if need be. He's an awesome caregiver. I'd like to think I could take care of him. I know I'd try like hell, anyway. My only hesitation is that there are some things I just cannot do. The other day, DH gouged his palm pretty badly. He had a flap of skin that he wanted me to CUT OFF. There was no way I could THAT. My legs almost gave out at the mere thought of it. L
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
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Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Aug 19, 2014 5:27:22 GMT
Yes, I could, but then I am a trained nurse. It sounds as if this poor couple were not properly prepared by the medics for what would be ahead of them. I hope they find a solution.
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Post by bc2ca on Aug 19, 2014 5:36:43 GMT
Yes, my DH hates being in the hospital and we got him home as quickly as possible. I can change dressings & worry about everything being sterile, but have no problem caring for a loved one.
When someone is sick in this household, both DH & I go into clinical care mode and I'm 100% confident he would be there if he needed to care for me.
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Deleted
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Oct 9, 2024 22:16:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2014 5:36:58 GMT
Yes. It wouldn't be what I consider a choice. Dh took care of me better than anyone when I broke my need and had surgery to repair it. You just sack up and do it.
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Post by bc2ca on Aug 19, 2014 5:40:50 GMT
OK, this made me LOL My DH comes home with duct tape wrapped around a finger and just says "don't ask" - I'd also refuse to cut off the skin
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Post by hjs on Aug 19, 2014 6:25:43 GMT
Yes, I could, unless it required me to lift DH. DH could do some stuff for me, but if it was too yucky it would be too much for him. He would call in my friends as reinforcements. And among my friends we have made a pact to look after one another when needed, as several are single and live alone. And in fact we have done this through cancer, hip replacements, knee replacements, as well as other misc conditions. Yay for friends!
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Deleted
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Oct 9, 2024 22:16:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2014 6:25:51 GMT
I am a nurse and have cared for dh several times and I thought I did a great job. But apparently I am not too sympathetic. He mentioned in a sermon once that he would have to have a limb amputation before he would get any sympathy from me.
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