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Post by needmysanity on Jan 9, 2018 20:04:34 GMT
My husband is tired of hearing me complain so I guess you all get to hear it instead.... 
My son and his fiancé are getting married in 89 days and the only thing they have done is 1) book the venue 2) hire a caterer. NOTHING ELSE HAS BEEN DONE!
No DJ, no wedding party clothes, no flowers, no bar tender, no invitations, no cake, no guest book, no plan for anything
I'm so frustrated with them and I just don't know what to do.
They asked me to help and be the coordinator. I have been on them since October to get things done. I have given them lists, offered my weekends to meet and help plan. They have been so non committal about everything.
I finally asked them point blank if a) they don't want my help b) don't really want to get married c) don't have the money. They continue to say yes to all 3 so I don't know what the problem is. I told them if I was a real wedding planner I would have fired them because they are horrible clients.
My husband tells me to just drop it and let them figure it all out by themselves. I want to...I really do. But we have family that are flying in from all around the US and I feel bad that they are spending thousands of dollars to attend and they are going to get a crappy wedding. I'm embarrassed at their lack of planning or caring about their guests and I want to tell my family and our friends not to come. I tried explaining it to my son and fiancé but they just don't seem to get it. Right now the guests are getting taco, beans, rice on a paper plate with water bottles. No appetizers, no drinks, no dancing, no table decorations, nothing. It's embarrassing!!!
My husband is probably right and I just need to back out of it but ugh! I really wish they would have eloped.
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Post by JustCallMeMommy on Jan 9, 2018 20:09:35 GMT
I wonder if they wanted you to do more than just give suggestions - like are they hoping you actually book the DJ, hire the bar tender, select and send invitations, and order the cake?
Maybe try telling them when they need to be somewhere? "We're clothes shopping on Saturday at 9:00. Do you want to meet at XYZ or should I pick you up?" If you aren't getting anything from that, I would assume they aren't interested at all.
Are they young? Do they realize how quickly the good vendors book up and that clothing has to be altered?
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Post by AN on Jan 9, 2018 20:10:52 GMT
These things have a way of working out. What's the saying? God takes care of babies and fools?
I won't even go into the story of the insane wedding one of my friends put on. Like 2 years of "planning" and nothing actually got done until 14 days before. And even then it was this psychotic half-baked plan where the venue changed 7 days before, no invitations were sent out, they got their marriage license IN THE WRONG COUNTY, and the person who was going to marry them backed out 3 days before.
And yet, somehow, the wedding still happened. Not the way she dreamed it would have, but that shit was on her.
All you can do here is draw healthy boundaries. If you want to give it one more go, I'd give a very specific list of "These 4 things need to happen in the next 7 days, or I'm going to need to back off from helping for my own sanity. I'll still be around to do any tasks you ask me to do, I'll be excited and supporting you, but I can't be the planner anymore if these things don't happen by these dates."
And STICK TO IT. You're not responsible for your family coming in from out of town. You're not responsible if invitations get texted and posted on Facebook instead of mailed. You're not responsible for allllll the details. No one will die if a last-minute iPod gets hooked up to a Bluetooth speaker streaming Pandora. No one will die if the tables are plain. My guess is they'll still somehow end up married, and it will be a good life lesson for them.
Those boundaries though, they're tough. THEY don't have a problem because you've taken all the emotional weight of it onto you. You have a problem. Until you back off and decide what your boundaries are, and stick to them in a healthy and loving way, it will remain your problem. The book Boundaries by Henry Cloud, or even just his social media posts, might be very helpful for you during the next few months! Good luck!
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Post by heathers on Jan 9, 2018 20:11:05 GMT
I’d be inclined to step back and wait for them to approach me about needing help. But with family already having tickets booked, that makes things trickier.
How did the family receive news of the wedding date if no invitations were sent?
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Post by Linda on Jan 9, 2018 20:11:49 GMT
((((Hugs))))
It'll be what it'll be. Traditionally the bride and her family handle most of the wedding planning so I don't think people will necessarily blame you if it's not pulled together.
But in the end, what's important is their marriage not the wedding - and anyone who attends a wedding for the food/venue/music isn't there for the right reaons - family should be there because they love the person/people getting married and want to support tham and if that means eating tacos and beans on a paper plate, that's okay
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Post by needmysanity on Jan 9, 2018 20:15:28 GMT
I wonder if they wanted you to do more than just give suggestions - like are they hoping you actually book the DJ, hire the bar tender, select and send invitations, and order the cake? Maybe try telling them when they need to be somewhere? "We're clothes shopping on Saturday at 9:00. Do you want to meet at XYZ or should I pick you up?" If you aren't getting anything from that, I would assume they aren't interested at all. Are they young? Do they realize how quickly the good vendors book up and that clothing has to be altered? They are both 22 and have never been to a wedding so that's part of the problem. I just don't think they fully understand what goes into planning. I have given them time lines (this should be done by this date, etc), suggestions for places to call and it doesn't get done. I honestly don't have time to handle the actual booking - my job and my other child keep me very busy right now. She only works 16 hours a week - she has plenty of time to make these calls. Also her mom isn't doing a thing to help. I'm not sure why that is - they have an odd relationship.
I have tried every angle and nothing seems to get through to them.
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Nov 1, 2024 21:36:04 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 9, 2018 20:16:21 GMT
I just coordinated a wedding like this. Finally, the MOG and I just did everything, but with the permission of the bride and groom. Similar situation--two young kids, uninvolved bride's family, and MOG is my dear friend. She asked me for help because they weren't doing anything.
I'll tell you that the best thing is just to back off until you're asked for more. This pressure you're putting on yourself to entertain/impress your relatives isn't going to get better if you step in and do things because then you'll just be transferring the stress to wondering if the bride and groom are happy, and if she isn't, how does that affect your relationship at the wedding and going forward. It's a mess.
Repeat this to yourself: You can't care about it more than they do. No one wins in that situation. Outline what you are and are not willing to do, and in what time frame, and then leave it alone until asked for more.
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Post by Zee on Jan 9, 2018 20:16:25 GMT
I eloped and then had the most low-key reception ever for friends/family. You would have been horrified, I'm sure. There were deli sandwiches and a sheet cake, it was in the basement of a local bar, and decorations were from the card and party store.  There was a DJ and three kegs of beer--priorities! No photos, no flowers, no wedding party or theme. I had a cheap guest book and a wire cage for the cards. Everyone seemed to have fun, though. We were young and had no money. I wore my wedding dress so everyone could see me in it. It was so short. I LOVED IT. No regrets. My mom was so mad that my dad showed up in a sleeveless t-shirt I'm surprised he showed up at all, since he knew she was going to be there. |
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Post by needmysanity on Jan 9, 2018 20:16:33 GMT
How did the family receive news of the wedding date if no invitations were sent? I let my family know the date so they could start planning for it. They all live out of town (closest one is 6 hours away). |
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Post by mrssmith on Jan 9, 2018 20:17:44 GMT
My husband tells me to just drop it and let them figure it all out by themselves. Yup. |
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Post by needmysanity on Jan 9, 2018 20:18:03 GMT
I eloped and then had the most low-key reception ever for friends/family. You would have been horrified, I'm sure. There were deli sandwiches and a sheet cake, it was in the basement of a local bar, and decorations were from the card and party store. There was a DJ and three kegs of beer--priorities! No photos, no flowers, no wedding party or theme. I had a cheap guest book and a wire cage for the cards. Everyone seemed to have fun, though. We were young and had no money. I wore my wedding dress so everyone could see me in it. It was so short. I LOVED IT. No regrets. My mom was so mad that my dad showed up in a sleeveless t-shirt I'm surprised he showed up at all, since he knew she was going to be there. I would be totally find with that but they aren't saying that's what they want. They keep saying they want this beautiful wedding but won't make the arrangements.
Our initial suggestion was a BBQ in our back yard but they shot that down immediately.
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Post by needmysanity on Jan 9, 2018 20:18:36 GMT
Repeat this to yourself: You can't care about it more than they do. No one wins in that situation. Outline what you are and are not willing to do, and in what time frame, and then leave it alone until asked for more. I need to print this out and tape it to my computer screen! |
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Post by debmast on Jan 9, 2018 20:19:33 GMT
My husband tells me to just drop it and let them figure it all out by themselves. Yup. I'm with your hubby. It's their wedding. If they want it to happen, they need to do something. |
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Post by destined2bmom on Jan 9, 2018 20:20:19 GMT
I wonder if they wanted you to do more than just give suggestions - like are they hoping you actually book the DJ, hire the bar tender, select and send invitations, and order the cake? Maybe try telling them when they need to be somewhere? "We're clothes shopping on Saturday at 9:00. Do you want to meet at XYZ or should I pick you up?" If you aren't getting anything from that, I would assume they aren't interested at all. Are they young? Do they realize how quickly the good vendors book up and that clothing has to be altered?  I would ask them for a budget for each item and tell them you are picking everything out and they can just show up. Just kidding. But maybe they do not understand that they aren’t the only wedding in town that these people can work for and if they don’t book it now, they may not have the wedding that they want. |
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Jan 9, 2018 20:20:38 GMT
Plan to have a be party/gathering for your family is that is the best available! Invite the bride and groom if you choose. I would ask them for a budget for each item and tell them you are picking everything out and they can just show up. Just kidding. But maybe they do not understand that they aren’t the only wedding in town that these people can work for and if they don’t book it now, they may not have the wedding that they want. Ask them for the budget but also ask them for the CASH to pay for it. Or last minute, no worries, do the sandwich, veggie, fruit platter from Costco, BJs or where ever! They also have rolled table cloths, nice paper plates et al! |
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Post by mellowyellow on Jan 9, 2018 20:23:13 GMT
My thought is....if they are old enough to get married then they are old enough to plan their own wedding. I agree with your dh...back off and let them plan it.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927 
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Post by freebird on Jan 9, 2018 20:24:32 GMT
My son/dil was kind of this way. She just wasn't super into wedding planning at all. I kept reminding them of things they needed to get done. Once they FINALLY got a wedding photographer settled (my part) I stepped back and said "rest is on you, what you end up with, is what you have."
Know what happened? My son stepped up to the plate and started getting in gear which is totally out of his character. It ended up being really a nice little wedding. Not fancy but that's not the point anyway. My DIL was beautiful, the cake looked like it should be in a magazine (came from a grocery store and was delicious), the photos were "ok" (long story) but they're married and that's what matters.
It's not important to them. You're the nagging mother/mother in law. Step back and if it's a clusterfuck, that's on them, not you.
Job of the MIL:
Shut up and wear beige.
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Post by christine58 on Jan 9, 2018 20:24:38 GMT
"These 4 things need to happen in the next 7 days, or I'm going to need to back off from helping for my own sanity. I'll still be around to do any tasks you ask me to do, I'll be excited and supporting you, but I can't be the planner anymore if these things don't happen by these dates." Great idea....I'd also forewarn those coming to not expect a big wing ding...tacos on a paper plate?? Yeah no |
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imsirius
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Post by imsirius on Jan 9, 2018 20:25:25 GMT
That's insane. What do they think will happen? A magical fairy will provide dinner and clothes?
Does she have a dress and bridesmaids? What are their wedding party doing?
I'd be angry if I flew in for a wedding specifically and there was no refreshments or thought put in for the guests.
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Post by padresfan619 on Jan 9, 2018 20:26:03 GMT
I’d be surprised if anything is available at this point. I had to scramble to find a replacement DJ for my wedding about 90 days out and it took a miracle to find one.
I had tacos, rice and beans served at my wedding, it can be done elegantly if the person planning the event cares enough.
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Post by Zee on Jan 9, 2018 20:26:29 GMT
I eloped and then had the most low-key reception ever for friends/family. You would have been horrified, I'm sure. There were deli sandwiches and a sheet cake, it was in the basement of a local bar, and decorations were from the card and party store. There was a DJ and three kegs of beer--priorities! No photos, no flowers, no wedding party or theme. I had a cheap guest book and a wire cage for the cards. Everyone seemed to have fun, though. We were young and had no money. I wore my wedding dress so everyone could see me in it. It was so short. I LOVED IT. No regrets. My mom was so mad that my dad showed up in a sleeveless t-shirt I'm surprised he showed up at all, since he knew she was going to be there. I would be totally find with that but they aren't saying that's what they want. They keep saying they want this beautiful wedding but won't make the arrangements.
Our initial suggestion was a BBQ in our back yard but they shot that down immediately.
If they're not willing to give any input, it's their problem. I wouldn't have told family without any solid plans from them--it's odd not to have sent out at least a save the date by now. Maybe they don't intend to go through with it. Maybe they don't want all those people there. If you're supposed to be the wedding coordinator, maybe they expect you to finish all those details. I guess I would give DS a call and say "either we do this this weekend, or I wash my hands of it". Track down a DJ, flowers, bartender, cake. Order a guest book. Hobby Lobby the decor. Or tell them they're having a BBQ in a park or your yard, with a keg of beer. Call it good. |
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Post by needmysanity on Jan 9, 2018 20:30:04 GMT
It's not important to them. You're the nagging mother/mother in law. Step back and if it's a clusterfuck, that's on them, not you. Job of the MIL: Shut up and wear beige. Can I have that in button form?  |
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imsirius
Prolific Pea
Call it as I see it.
Posts: 7,661
Location: Floating in the black veil.
Jul 12, 2014 19:59:28 GMT
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Post by imsirius on Jan 9, 2018 20:30:26 GMT
My son/dil was kind of this way. She just wasn't super into wedding planning at all. I kept reminding them of things they needed to get done. Once they FINALLY got a wedding photographer settled (my part) I stepped back and said "rest is on you, what you end up with, is what you have." Know what happened? My son stepped up to the plate and started getting in gear which is totally out of his character. It ended up being really a nice little wedding. Not fancy but that's not the point anyway. My DIL was beautiful, the cake looked like it should be in a magazine (came from a grocery store and was delicious), the photos were "ok" (long story) but they're married and that's what matters. It's not important to them. You're the nagging mother/mother in law. Step back and if it's a clusterfuck, that's on them, not you. Job of the MIL: Shut up and wear beige. Normally, I’d adree freebird, but they ASKED her to help plan and coordinate the wedding. |
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Post by needmysanity on Jan 9, 2018 20:32:44 GMT
That's insane. What do they think will happen? A magical fairy will provide dinner and clothes? Does she have a dress and bridesmaids? What are their wedding party doing? She has bridesmaids and they are as clueless as she is. They aren't doing a thing.
And yes...I think they are thinking it all magically happens.
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imsirius
Prolific Pea
Call it as I see it.
Posts: 7,661
Location: Floating in the black veil.
Jul 12, 2014 19:59:28 GMT
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Post by imsirius on Jan 9, 2018 20:36:25 GMT
That's insane. What do they think will happen? A magical fairy will provide dinner and clothes? Does she have a dress and bridesmaids? What are their wedding party doing? She has bridesmaids and they are as clueless as she is. They aren't doing a thing.
And yes...I think they are thinking it all magically happens.
Wow...it is going to be interesting, that's for sure. I'd be giving an ultimatum ASAP. “Shit and get off the pot or I'm done.” |
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Post by **GypsyGirl** on Jan 9, 2018 20:38:53 GMT
I finally asked them point blank if a) they don't want my help b) don't really want to get married c) don't have the money. They continue to say yes to all 3 so I don't know what the problem is. I told them if I was a real wedding planner I would have fired them because they are horrible clients. That right there is your answer. If they answered Yes to question B, then you are just wasting your time and effort. You are way too invested in this event, especially considering they won't put an ounce of effort in themselves. I would simply tell them that it is obvious they aren't serious about a wedding and that you are done with being their planner. Then let your family know that there is no need to come. If the family can't change their plans, then turn it into a family reunion. But you need to be done with being a wedding planner for a couple with no interest in a wedding. |
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Post by bigbundt on Jan 9, 2018 20:39:12 GMT
But in the end, what's important is their marriage not the wedding - and anyone who attends a wedding for the food/venue/music isn't there for the right reasons - family should be there because they love the person/people getting married and want to support them and if that means eating tacos and beans on a paper plate, that's okay Thank you for saying this. My mom had to have a "show" for her family coming in from out of town and it was a freaking circus. My second wedding I planned (and paid for) and it was much more low key. I was so angry when I heard my mom apologizing to her family because there was no dancing and a full open bar and SHE wouldn't have dared had them come out for such a causal wedding, etc. Pissed.me.off. and she will NEVER have any involvement in any big occasion in my or my children's lives aside from being a guest. I never talk to her about details beforehand which pisses her off but oh well. So keep that in mind, YOUR idea of a wedding may be different than your son and his fiance. But onto actual helpful ideas, do you know the bride's mom? Maybe reach out to her if they are paying and see where her thoughts are? Maybe you guys could have some last minute back up plans. Cakes cake be ordered days ahead at a grocery store or just buy a bunch of cupcakes. Flowers can be simple and picked up and bundled together the day before. Centerpieces can be baskets of fruit from a warehouse store, etc. Wedding party can wear whatever they want in a color group. So a last minute wedding can come together quickly and beautifully. If you are so concerned about the crappy wedding, hold your own rehearsal dinner and/or brunch to properly "pay" back your relatives that are traveling. Which is bullshit, either come for the couple or not but having dealt with my mom I realize some people are more materialistic about the party than what they are there to celebrate. If that is your family, come up with something on your own, don't put that on your son and fiance. |
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imsirius
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Jul 12, 2014 19:59:28 GMT
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Post by imsirius on Jan 9, 2018 20:41:11 GMT
I finally asked them point blank if a) they don't want my help b) don't really want to get married c) don't have the money. They continue to say yes to all 3 so I don't know what the problem is. I told them if I was a real wedding planner I would have fired them because they are horrible clients. That right there is your answer. If they answered Yes to question B, then you are just wasting your time and effort. You are way too invested in this event, especially considering they won't put an ounce of effort in themselves. I would simply tell them that it is obvious they aren't serious about a wedding and that you are done with being their planner. Then let your family know that there is no need to come. If the family can't change their plans, then turn it into a family reunion. But you need to be done with being a wedding planner for a couple with no interest in a wedding. I think she meant they said Yes they want the help, YES, they want to get married and YES, they have money to spend. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 9, 2018 20:43:20 GMT
Job of the MIL: Shut up and wear beige. I love this. |
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Post by **GypsyGirl** on Jan 9, 2018 20:44:38 GMT
That right there is your answer. If they answered Yes to question B, then you are just wasting your time and effort. You are way too invested in this event, especially considering they won't put an ounce of effort in themselves. I would simply tell them that it is obvious they aren't serious about a wedding and that you are done with being their planner. Then let your family know that there is no need to come. If the family can't change their plans, then turn it into a family reunion. But you need to be done with being a wedding planner for a couple with no interest in a wedding. I think she meant they said Yes they want the help, YES, they want to get married and YES, they have money to spend. Not how it read, but you are probably correct. I still say she should just back off and quit putting any effort into a wedding that the couple can't be bothered with. |
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There was a DJ and three kegs of beer--priorities! No photos, no flowers, no wedding party or theme. I had a cheap guest book and a wire cage for the cards.
