Country Ham
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,314
Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on Jan 9, 2018 21:46:35 GMT
When my husband and I got married (on a monday evening) we had the church booked, preacher friend for vows, the fellowship hall for finger foods and cake. I didn't buy a traditional dress just a pretty feminine dress. He wore a suit and tie. I told my 2 friends just wear a dress they would wear to church. I did have a single Magnolia off my mother in laws tree with greenery and a burgundy ribbon so my friends did decide on their own to wear burgundy. My husband family and I made all our finger foods. When I got to fellowship all my then new inlaws surprised me with very pretty decorated tables with magnolias and magnnolia leaves for centerpieces. I just didn't care. It was a short ceremony designed with little frills and then sit around and eat fruits, sandwiches and cake. All the froo froo was to us an unnecessary use of our money. Marrying a pastor meant no bar to worry about, no dance etc.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Jan 9, 2018 21:47:33 GMT
Their whole world revolves around them and what's in it for them. I should have never offered to help - I knew better but I always try to be the "best" mom and mother in law possible. Their relationship drives you bonkers, you've been very clear about that. Getting involved in wedding planning with them, when they clearly don't have a clue, will likely cause a wider rift between them and you. I'd let it go. Whats the worst that could happen if you leave it to them? Nothing earth shattering, right? You needmysanity are stuck right in the middle of a big old "can't win" situation. You have made a commitment to them to help (i.e., coordinate) and you *want* to do right by them. BUT... you are not able to do it all and they are not cooperating. All that talk about boundaries? You sure do need some. And only you can set them. Decide at this point what you are and aren't willing to do. Communicate that to them clearly. And then really just let the chips fall where they may. It will all be okay. The wedding will happen like it happens. Or, it won't. And that will be okay, too. |
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GiantsFan
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Posts: 8,487
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Jun 27, 2014 14:44:56 GMT
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Post by GiantsFan on Jan 9, 2018 21:49:13 GMT
needmysanity I feel for you. IIRC you're an accountant or work in an accounting office? Then you're probably a lot like me and need everything planned and organized. I need to know details and what's going to happen when. It took me a long time to realize that not everyone is like me. I think you need to tell them that you will organize the out of town guests from your family with a block of hotel rooms and you will host them (the out-of-towners) the night before or the morning of the wedding, as you suggested in a previous post. But you are unable to help with any other details unless they specificially ask. (I would also be prepared to host a "family reunion" in my back yard at a moments notice in case the wedding reception doesn't go off as planned - or unplanned, if you will) In my book they don't get a pass because they are young or have never been to a wedding. I think all brides, no matter how young or spoiled or clueless, know how to access information on weddings and how they work. Heck have her watch JLo in the movie The Wedding Planner.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jan 9, 2018 21:49:21 GMT
to me, what PrettyInPeank said is giving them waaaaay too much assistance and benefit of the doubt, rewarding their lack of input up to this point, in essence, by giving them extra effort on your part to actually DO the planning. But that's just me. I couldn't agree more. I think it's time to just say no. |
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Post by hop2 on Jan 9, 2018 21:54:43 GMT
Well they have food & a place to have it so I’d lay off everything else because if it doesn’t matter to them then it won’t matter.
EXCEPT invitations which should go out soon. I’d offer them a list of addresses of family members or if I had it a printable address label list of family members and tell them “invitations should probably go out no later than 8 weeks prior. Here’s a list of all our family invite whom you wish from the list. Let me know if I can help you with any other addresses.”
Then I’d leave it be.
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Post by Zee on Jan 9, 2018 21:57:14 GMT
Oh I forgot all the backstory...now the thread makes sense.
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Post by needmysanity on Jan 9, 2018 21:59:43 GMT
All very strange. I keep having to remind myself your the MOG not the MOB. Where is her mother/father in all this? I know you said that they had an odd relationship but isn't she involved at all? Are the bride's family not attending the wedding? I have asked a few times about her mom and her reply is something like "oh I haven't asked her. She doesn't really care. She isn't feeling well" It's always an excuse.
Only 2 Aunts are being invited but they aren't getting invitations because "if the rest of the family sees the invitations they will show up" So the Aunts are being told the day prior to the wedding.
There are no family friends on her side being invited. Most of her list is college friends and co workers.
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Post by needmysanity on Jan 9, 2018 22:03:34 GMT
Just be clear though so they don't think you are doing all this planning and then be surprised when nothing is done closer to their wedding date. I have been very clear many times over.
Here is the list of things YOU need to do. Here's a timeline of when you should have them done. If you would like me to call vendors or help you find prices, please let me know. When I ask if someone on the list has been done, I get the same answer "no".
Hence my frustration.
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tanya2
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1604
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Post by tanya2 on Jan 9, 2018 22:04:38 GMT
I'd be freaking out too if i were you, so i get it
be sure to keep us updated with how this works out!
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PrettyInPeank
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,691
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Jan 9, 2018 22:08:37 GMT
Just be clear though so they don't think you are doing all this planning and then be surprised when nothing is done closer to their wedding date. I have been very clear many times over.
Here is the list of things YOU need to do. Here's a timeline of when you should have them done. If you would like me to call vendors or help you find prices, please let me know. When I ask if someone on the list has been done, I get the same answer "no".
Hence my frustration.
Oh well then you guys are clear on what's expected of each other. In that case, then just sit back and watch the shit show. Don't let lack of planning on their part constitute an emergency on your part. |
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Post by scrapperal on Jan 9, 2018 22:09:10 GMT
It sounds like you should gracefully bow out as the wedding planner (though you'll probably get flak for it from the couple). Otherwise, they'll be expecting you to pull off a miracle.
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PrettyInPeank
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Posts: 4,691
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Jan 9, 2018 22:12:21 GMT
It sounds like you should gracefully bow out as the wedding planner (though you'll probably get flak for it from the couple). Otherwise, they'll be expecting you to pull off a miracle. This. I may even be tempted to just find an actual planner as a gift and wash my hands of it all. Can anyone remind me the Disney story? She's the bride who wanted a huge expensive Disney wedding on a back-yard wedding budget, right? |
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wellway
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Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Jan 9, 2018 22:18:24 GMT
All very strange. I keep having to remind myself your the MOG not the MOB. Where is her mother/father in all this? I know you said that they had an odd relationship but isn't she involved at all? Are the bride's family not attending the wedding? I have asked a few times about her mom and her reply is something like "oh I haven't asked her. She doesn't really care. She isn't feeling well" It's always an excuse.
Only 2 Aunts are being invited but they aren't getting invitations because "if the rest of the family sees the invitations they will show up" So the Aunts are being told the day prior to the wedding.
There are no family friends on her side being invited. Most of her list is college friends and co workers.
Do her parents/family know she is getting married? Sounds so odd/different. |
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Post by librarylady on Jan 9, 2018 22:20:36 GMT
That saying for the MOG:
Wear brown, shut up and sit down
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CeeScraps
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~~occupied entertaining my brain~~
Posts: 3,908
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Post by CeeScraps on Jan 9, 2018 22:24:07 GMT
Call venues.......ask if you can visit during a reception. Since they haven't been to a wedding maybe this would help. This would make me nuts.
Call a florist....take them....tell them you want to show them something and see if you can hit both a venue and florist within the same visit.
Good luck....I feel for you!
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pudgygroundhog
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Posts: 4,648
Location: The Grand Canyon
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Post by pudgygroundhog on Jan 9, 2018 22:25:00 GMT
Just be clear though so they don't think you are doing all this planning and then be surprised when nothing is done closer to their wedding date. I have been very clear many times over.
Here is the list of things YOU need to do. Here's a timeline of when you should have them done. If you would like me to call vendors or help you find prices, please let me know. When I ask if someone on the list has been done, I get the same answer "no".
Hence my frustration.
Time to tap out then. Go have a glass of wine and read a good book.  |
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jan 9, 2018 22:27:38 GMT
The part that gives me pause is that they asked you to help and you agreed to be coordinator. I think they probably have very different expectations of what that meant. I have known several young brides who literally showed up at their wedding having made no decision after picking the groom. One of my cousins was this way - her mother planned the entire wedding - and it wasn't at all because she was overbearing - the bride just didn't have an opinion on anything and thus couldn't actually make a decision. Personally I'd sit down and ask what items they needed me to take care of and just do it. I know you said your busy, but I wouldn't be surprised if you're spending more time and stress on their non-decisions than just making the decision yourself. Or at least make the initial calls and set up a meeting with whoever you think is the best option for a vendor and then let them "pick" them. Or alternatively take your husband's advice and just stop worrying about it.
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Post by papersilly on Jan 9, 2018 22:34:15 GMT
i have a feeling they assumed you would do everything because that's what they think "coordinators" do.
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Post by alexa11 on Jan 9, 2018 22:43:11 GMT
I haven't read all of the responses, but I would step back and do nothing. There is nothing more frustrating than a "planner" having to deal with people who just fly by the seat of their pants. I'm a planner and it drives my Type A personality nuts! They are adults and you've bent over backwards to help them. Now it's their turn to figure it out how to plan a "beautiful" wedding.
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Post by needmysanity on Jan 9, 2018 22:44:56 GMT
Can anyone remind me the Disney story? She's the bride who wanted a huge expensive Disney wedding on a back-yard wedding budget, right? They originally wanted to get married in Disneyland in front of the Castle. She said it was $6,500 because she didn't read the fine print. Once they realized how much it was actually going to cost they decided to get married locally. She is OBSESSED with Disney.
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julieb
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Posts: 2,845
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Post by julieb on Jan 9, 2018 22:50:56 GMT
I can't believe some of the peas are telling you that just because you are MOG you need to sit back. Hell, your son is 1/2 of the couple here. I think you have gotten plenty of advice here on how to handle it, so I'll just say good luck!! There is no way I would be able to sit back and let things fall where they may.
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Post by needmysanity on Jan 9, 2018 22:52:35 GMT
The part that gives me pause is that they asked you to help and you agreed to be coordinator. I agreed to help out and I have thought I was being very clear with them my role in all of this. Never have I said I would DO or BOOK anything. I have offered many times to meet with them and go over the list and help them brainstorm.
They went and looked at venues and then asked me what I thought. I would point out things (good and bad) and they made the final decision. I never even went to the venue until a month after they put their deposit down.
Same with the food - she sent me the few they talked to, asked my opinion and then made their decision.
She asked me for floral companies - I gave her the options around town that I know are good. They were supposed to go over the holidays and never did (she was off work for 3 weeks - works for the school district).
I have spent a lot of time giving them the names of vendors etc but they aren't following through with it. I can't force them to do that so I need to come to terms with that and let them handle it on their own.
I have learned my lesson for sure!
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ellen
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Posts: 4,777
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Post by ellen on Jan 9, 2018 22:56:51 GMT
So how much would it cost to pay someone to pull this thing together? It sounds like they would benefit from an actual planner. I do believe that if funerals can be planned in three days that weddings can be done quickly as well.
I would not do all of this for them, but I'd be tempted to pay for a real planner to get this thing done. I live in an area where you can pull off a relatively inexpensive wedding, so maybe that wouldn't work where you are. I have a feeling that my oldest daughter will want me to plan her wedding some day and I just won't do that. I am just not good at that type of thing. I'd consider it money well spent to pay someone to help her.
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Post by slicksister on Jan 9, 2018 22:59:28 GMT
When my son got married we pulled the whole thing off in 3 weeks. It was actually great! The brides mom and I worked our butts off for 3 weeks but then it was over. No months and months of planning and lost sleep like when my DD got married. My son and his wife had everything every other wedding has , pretty much, and it was lovely. Dress, cake, decorations, food, photographer, bridesmaids, groomsmen, guests, the whole shebang! Tomorrow they celebrate their 16th wedding anniversary and they are still very much in love. That's the important thing.
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imsirius
Prolific Pea
Call it as I see it.
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Jul 12, 2014 19:59:28 GMT
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Post by imsirius on Jan 9, 2018 23:06:32 GMT
They originally wanted to get married in Disneyland in front of the Castle. She said it was $6,500 because she didn't read the fine print. Once they realized how much it was actually going to cost they decided to get married locally. She is OBSESSED with Disney.
No reason she can't have a Disney themed wedding. It takes work though. Sounds like she didn't get her dream wedding so she's given up. |
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Post by mlynn on Jan 9, 2018 23:14:03 GMT
I eloped and then had the most low-key reception ever for friends/family. You would have been horrified, I'm sure. There were deli sandwiches and a sheet cake, it was in the basement of a local bar, and decorations were from the card and party store. There was a DJ and three kegs of beer--priorities! No photos, no flowers, no wedding party or theme. I had a cheap guest book and a wire cage for the cards. Everyone seemed to have fun, though. We were young and had no money. I wore my wedding dress so everyone could see me in it. It was so short. I LOVED IT. No regrets. My mom was so mad that my dad showed up in a sleeveless t-shirt I'm surprised he showed up at all, since he knew she was going to be there. I would be totally find with that but they aren't saying that's what they want. They keep saying they want this beautiful wedding but won't make the arrangements.
Our initial suggestion was a BBQ in our back yard but they shot that down immediately.
Tell them that you are going ahead with the BBQ version. Tell them that if they want more you are willing to guide and advise, but the actual arrangements need to be made by them. Maybe even set up a regular time for them to come over and work on it. (Tues/Thur 2:00) Then hand them a copy of Checklist for a Perfect Wedding. It lists every conceivable detail someone may want and the timeline when it should be done. |
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Post by gar on Jan 9, 2018 23:23:39 GMT
i have a feeling they assumed you would do everything because that's what they think "coordinators" do. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. |
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jan 9, 2018 23:24:37 GMT
I would be totally find with that but they aren't saying that's what they want. They keep saying they want this beautiful wedding but won't make the arrangements.
Our initial suggestion was a BBQ in our back yard but they shot that down immediately.
Tell them that you are going ahead with the BBQ version. Tell them that if they want more you are willing to guide and advise, but the actual arrangements need to be made by them. Maybe even set up a regular time for them to come over and work on it. (Tues/Thur 2:00) Then hand them a copy of Checklist for a Perfect Wedding. It lists every conceivable detail someone may want and the timeline when it should be done. This doesn't exactly work considering the couple has booked both a venue and a caterer. The OP took some license with "literally". |
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Post by auntkelly on Jan 9, 2018 23:29:58 GMT
At this point, I would gently bow out.
If they want to get married, they will figure things out.
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Post by peasapie on Jan 9, 2018 23:35:15 GMT
I would step back and be done. Can you bring yourself to do that?
It's their wedding and their problem, and to be honest, asking you to coordinate it is an unfair burden. I don't know a single person who would do that.
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