89 days to the wedding and literally nothing has been done..

Ok so I went back looking through your posts - what happened to the invitations you had made and taken to the PO to weigh? And she already picked her colors? What happened to those?

^^^  agreed.  Not to be too callous about it, but they are now each other's family / first priority, right?  That's the way it works when you become a couple and 'leave' your family to create a new family with your spouse...  so it's on them to have the wedding the way they want it, or to find out on their own that it's a lot more work than they thought.  If they ask for help at that point, then you could start helping out. 

It's not 'your' wedding as a parent to 'show them off' in some way to your extended family; it's the entire group of family / friends coming together to celebrate THEIR union together as a new family unit.  So they get to have the wedding ceremony / celebration that they want.   


(ETA:  and if the wedding they end up having isn't the wedding they actually wanted, well- that's on them... you've tried multiple times to assist, and for whatever reason, they don't seem to be movitated.)

I have read this thread and followed this story over the years, too. As everyone else is throwing in their 2 cents, I might as well do the same.

My thought is that they're sitting back just hoping that you will do it all, and pay the bills while you are at it. Otherwise it makes no sense-- it seems that she would have been all over the details-- the dress, flowers, etc. With this in mind, I like BurningFeather's advice about giving them some cash amount that you'd feel comfortable with, and then bowing out gracefully. I think it makes the best sense at this point.

I also want to add that I think it's a little harsh to say that you don't like her, aren't making her feel welcome, etc. I don't see that. It seems to me that you're very hesitant about them taking a step like this while they're so young and immature. I don't see it as being negative about her personally. Besides, I've seen your family photos and from my limited perspective, it seems to me that you've done a lot of relationship building with these two over the past couple of years.   I think you're trying to make the best of a tough situation. 

Good for you! Are you going to tell them that you are out as coordinator? I would, I would tell them that you can't do it because they are not cooperating and that it's now on them. I would say I love y'all and if I can help with something let me know. The End.

I think you are forgetting that they ask her to be the coordinator! How can she do that if they keep changing the color scheme. Any coordinator would be upset at the way this couple has behaved. What is even more complicated is the fact that the coordinator is the MOG. It may be a stupid wedding convention but these are the things that a wedding coordinator does.

Although I do agree she needs to tell them she is out as coordinator I would not tell them they are not cooperating. This son was estranged for a while and I'm sure the OP doesn't want that to happen again.



OP, have them over for dinner, or meet them for lunch or whatever, but in person with both of them present, you need to say, Hey guys, there are xx days left. I really want to help with the wedding but I'm not sure what you want me to do. When you guys decide then let me know and I will be happy to help.



I would not take over any of the planning without their input. Then it will be your wedding and not theirs.

The bride's parents' role, or lack of, sticks out to me.

Based on what you've said about trying to meet them, and the bride talking about her mom being sick, I can't help wondering if she might really have a problem like agoraphobia, anxiety or panic attacks. She might be unable to deal with meeting people or even having people over to her house. I could be way off base, though! Does she work outside the home?

I think I'd do one more conversation with them, asking some really blunt questions - Do they have an officiant? Have they arranged for a photographer? What do they want this wedding to look like? And then remind them that they might have trouble finding people at a late date, which would mean the wedding not happening at all, or scrambling to find an alternate idea.

Then, tell them what you WILL be doing, and remind them that in order for the wedding to happen, THEY have to do these bare minimum things, because you are not and it appears no one else is either.

They seem incredibly clueless and immature, but also very inexperienced.

Damn, you are the one that needs to back off of needmysanity. She has done exactly what I and many peas would do, and is now just sitting back. She was only doing what was asked, and now that they are difficult and uncooperative, she's throwing her hands up.

(admitting I skipped from reading all of page 1 to reading all of page 5).
That said ... I think you need to let them know that you're handing over the wedding coordinator duties to them as they simply do not understand what that job entails. I'm guessing that the bride's mom isn't in favor of the wedding and thus she's backpedaled to the point of "what wedding?"

My Mom planned our entire wedding (we were 20 and way too young) but we all knew that it was HER party - we were just the reason for it! It was fine, it's lasted so yay, but hubby and I would never do it to our son.

If they're not willing to spend the time on it, then they believe you'll want to rescue it to save face with out of town family. I'd let the kids know that since nothing is planned, you've now planned day trips to Disneyland, the beach and San Diego and could they let you know when the ceremony is actually scheduled. Sometimes you need to shock some sensibility into them and make them realize that you're not going to do the expected and you're OKAY with walking away from the disaster.

Get a beige sweatshirt and say you're ready for time with family!

Excellent plan!SaveSave

I wondered about this too.

Same.