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Post by Basket1lady on Mar 24, 2019 3:12:27 GMT
Yeah, it’s long. I tried to include all the big issues and pros and cons. Have you left your young adult kids? What were the problems? Perks?
DH has been requested for a job in Belgium. This is completely out of the blue and I’m so torn with what to do.
Some background: DH is a Colonel in the Air Force. He has been active duty for 29 years, thirty-three if you count his 4 years at the Academy. Last fall, he was asked by the AF to remain in for another 3 years, waiving the mandatory retirement at 30 years. We agreed, with the stipulation that we wanted to be closer to our college aged kids who are in school in Minnesota (we are stationed in the DC area. Otherwise, we would retire.
We thought for sure sure we were going to Offut AFB in Omaha. Nope, that didn’t happen. But someone saw his name on the list and made a By Name Request for him for the posting in Belgium. The job would be really good and we tried for two decades for an assignment to Europe. We love to travel and it would be a wonderful opportunity. We’ve lived overseas once before, in Seoul. It’s not 100% that DH would get the job, but it is a pretty high possibility. By Name Requests are usually honored.
But... but. We have a DD who is almost 20. She calls a few times a week just to chat and float things by me. She could still do that with FaceTime, but... DS (22) and graduating college this year and going on to grad school. He’s pretty self sufficient and is telling us to go. We haven’t told DD yet—her schedule this weekend is crazy and she will call tomorrow. I’m pretty sure she will say go, but then will realize what she will miss.
At first it will be easy—she is studying abroad in Ireland next fall. But then she won’t have anywhere to go for school breaks. My parents and my brother live about 1-2 hours from her school, but she can’t really relax there and just be herself. My dad is a huge Trump supporter and she so is not. The AF will fly her over once a year as long as she is in school, but she needs a long enough break for that. She has some mild issues with anxiety and I just feel like we would be abandoning her. She’s pretty mature, but is definitely still developing her independence.
And then there is the issue of our aging parents. DH’s parents are in their late 80s. They are still active, but are obviously slowing down. My parents are a decade younger, but I can see some slowing down with Dad.
On one hand, I’m done. I’m ready to retire. I’m ready to have my own house in one place and to be near family. We are in our 50s and I’m ready to put down roots. And on the other hand, we’ve just been offered our dream job.
Thank you for reading this and offering your thoughts.
Update 3/26
Well, we talked to DD finally on Sunday. She was all excited and couldn't stop talking about coming over to us after her Ireland stay and maybe her BFF would fly in over winter break. We told her to call us again in a few hours after the shine wore off and we would decide then. When she called back, she still told us to go. But she was more subdued and it was obvious that she had been thinking about the problems. By then I'd gotten so many responses from the Peas that I was able to come up with some good solutions.
So yesterday, DH put in for the assignment. They assignment guy was chuckling at him and said it was a job that didn't come up much anymore. He also had been trying to get to Europe for 20 years and it hadn't happened. He said he thought we had a 50/50 shot at getting the assignment, which probably means that he has 2 names to forward for consideration.
So we wait. April 15 can't come soon enough!
Update 4/11
Well, it’s official. We are moving to Belgium! We don’t have a date yet. The losing command (current job) was notified today. The gaining command (Belgium) will Be notified in a week. Then we can start negotiating our report date. A lot has to happen in the next few months. Here we go!
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Post by kkrenn on Mar 24, 2019 3:32:31 GMT
It sounds like you are putting everyone ahead of you and your dh and you've probably been doing it for a very long time. I would go for it, your dd will be getting on with her life at some point so why not now? She will figure it out.
Of course I don't know what it's like to live a military life with moving about so I can't speak to the wanting to put down roots part. But, my overall vote is to go for it as long as it's what you and your dh want!
Good luck with whatever you decide!
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on Mar 24, 2019 3:34:48 GMT
I would go. It's a good opportunity to travel.
From what I've heard once you're over there, it is inexpensive to travel to other places from there.
Is your Daughter in her own place or a dorm. If she is in a dorm, help her move into an apartment so she has someplace she can call home.
Since she/they(Son too) can come over once a year via the Military. Perhaps you can budget two round trip tickets into your budget so they can fly over another time as well.
Since she is going to study abroad in Ireland, perhaps she can do an additional semester in Belgium as well?
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Deleted
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Jul 5, 2024 4:41:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2019 3:34:59 GMT
My advice: GO. YOU don't get this chance again.
Your dd can visit on her summer breaks. If grandparents aren't a safe landing spot for Christmas are there any aunts/uncles or friends she can go home with or does her university have a holiday dorm option?
Putting down roots is nice but you still have a few more decades to be rooted and not going anywhere.
2 of mine where enlisted shortly after their 17th birthdays. The 3rd one waited until he was 19. Your kids are well past old enough to do without you.
eta: I also have 20 years experience as a "camp follower" following my ex around the world before he retired.
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Post by Skellinton on Mar 24, 2019 3:36:05 GMT
If your move to Belgium was going to be permanent I would think the biggest drawback would be potential future grandchildren. Aging parents are absolutely a concern if you are their only children, but wouldn’t be a deciding factor for me. I realize it could be quite awhile until grandchildren are on the horizon given your kid’s ages, but if the move were going to be permanent that would be the deciding factor for me.
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kelly8875
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Post by kelly8875 on Mar 24, 2019 3:49:49 GMT
I think you should take the position if it’s offered. You know there’s an ending time for it. Your kids are old enough to be on their own. Like someone else suggested, move your DD into an apartment, so she has a spot to call home for breaks and such. If she’s going to studying abroad, she can handle you being abroad too. It’s literally the same thing.
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Post by nlwilkins on Mar 24, 2019 3:51:40 GMT
I can let you know how it goes for one who was on her own at 18. It was just fine. Planes fly both ways in and out of the US. My mother worked as a missionary overseas on Guam and I traveled back to the US to go to college. From the time I left Guam through the next decade or so, I did not see my mother but every four years. My sister here in the US was my main line of emotional support and she made me feel not so alone. The emotional support was the most imprtantt. I ran important decisions by her for advice. Calling mother on the phone was not an option due to the cost of overseas calls. When I got married at 20 my mother was not able to come. But she was able to be there for the birth of both my children. I cherish those memories of her being there at those time.
I managed just fine. All four of us kids went through this. My older brother got caught up in the drug scene and flunked out of college and was flown back home to mother. In time he turned his life around and became a happy productive citizen. But, the point is, when being on his own did not work out, there was a fall back option of coming back home for . For your children, if things don't work out, they can always fly over and join you overseas.
Also, things have changed considerably since the sixties when I was on my own. Communications and flying back and forthare much easier now. Your chldren won't feel so much alone.
I say go. Your children will be the same wether you are here in the States or overseas. You being here in the States will not guarantee that they make the right decisions or manage their lives responsibly. They are at an age where they are really able to stand on their own.
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StephDRebel
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Post by StephDRebel on Mar 24, 2019 3:55:43 GMT
Go, let her get an Airbnb and experience how fierce it is to live as an independent woman on breaks when she can't come to you.
I would do everything I could to embrace this opportunity.
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Post by Basket1lady on Mar 24, 2019 4:09:17 GMT
Thanks for all of your thoughts!
DD has to live on campus and we would want her to. All students do. She can apply for a waiver, but then she is separate from everyone else. She would hibernate all winter. Most of the dorms are interconnected and there are always friends popping in when we are FaceTiming.
But, we have thought of supplementing DS’s budget for him to get a 2 bedroom apartment. That way DD would have a place to go on breaks and they do get along very well. Previously, we had pretty much decided that DS wouldn’t get a car and just rely on public transportation and Uber, but we could give them my car, as we would probably only take one vehicle overseas.
We would probably be gone 2 years and would then retire. So no big worries about grandchildren or being there permanently. And both kids say they want to finish their master’s before settling down.
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Post by PEAcan pie on Mar 24, 2019 5:27:01 GMT
Run don't walk, awesome opportunity and everyone will adapt...
edited to add: I moved out on my own at 17 and did not rely on my parents for anything... They will be better for it.
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FurryP
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Post by FurryP on Mar 24, 2019 5:28:42 GMT
That way DD would have a place to go on breaks and they do get along very well. That's awesome that they get along well and they can be there for each other. |
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Post by smokeynspike on Mar 24, 2019 6:06:46 GMT
I think you should go! Your kids are in college. It would be different if they were underage in high school but they are not. I would not let an opportunity like that go by when you are at a point in your lives when you could really enjoy the travel. Settle down in a couple years. That would be good anyways because you don't know where your kids are going to end up after college either. I would hate for you to miss out for a couple phones calls a week and a few school breaks. You've done the hardest parts of raising kids, now go enjoy yourselves! 😁
Melissa
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Post by dewryce on Mar 24, 2019 6:18:18 GMT
This sounds like an great opportunity for the whole family, not just you and your husband. Your children, sure they get to visit you, but they will also have the opportunity to grow closer and learn to rely on each other. You guys won’t always be around, so I think the 2 bedroom is a great idea. And your daughter will learn she can manage her anxiety and be independent.
Go!
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Post by pjaye on Mar 24, 2019 6:23:14 GMT
The children at 20 and 22 and no longer living at home full time.
I moved out of home and was completely independent financially at age 19.
This is not what I would call "abandoning them" It's a time when they need to start making their own way in the world, and gain the confidence that they can do it.
You are also going there with their father for his work, it's a good example to them for the future that sometimes families have to make some sacrifices for the overall good,. It will help them to build not only independence, but resilience as well.
Plus it's for a limited time...there'll be an end date.
You've always wanted to travel, and that's going to be much easier to do from Belgium, you'll have easy access to so many countries that will only be a few hours away.
Definitely go and your kids will learn that they will be OK.
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sueg
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Post by sueg on Mar 24, 2019 8:12:15 GMT
We made the move from Australia to Germany when our children were 21 and nearly 23. Up until that time, both were living at home while they were at Uni. They continued studying after we left - the older one rented his own place, as he was about to get married, and the younger one moved in with my sister for a year, then also found his own place.It has been very good for their relationship, as there have been times when they needed close family.
You are alos in a better situation than we were, in one sense, in that yours is a set term where my DH's move is indefinite. Now that our first grandchild has been born, I feel I will want to come home more often than our current every 1.5 - 2 years.
As others have said, once you are in Europe, travelling around Europe is very easy and relatively inexpensive. We have been to many places we would never have visited if we had done the 'big, once in a lifetime European Adventure' that is so common among our peers.
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Post by ExpatBackHome on Mar 24, 2019 8:19:05 GMT
GO!! You will have a wonderful two years. I think you will regret it if you turn it down.
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Post by hop2 on Mar 24, 2019 10:21:46 GMT
Go. Just go.
Not everyone has the chance to get thier dream job.
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hannahruth
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Post by hannahruth on Mar 24, 2019 10:22:29 GMT
A move over like you are being offered is really a once in a life time thing and being for two years is long enough to enjoy it and if you don't then it is only two years!
Take the trip and enjoy every moment. The children are now young adults and as they are both at college this is time for you and your DH to re-connect as a couple without the children. Enjoy!
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Post by gillyp on Mar 24, 2019 10:51:54 GMT
I agree with everything that has been said. I think it’s s brilliant opportunity to be seized with both hands. Enjoy every minute of it!
Something surprised me and may I ask a question? You mentioned taking a car with you. Is this normal under these circumstances? Would a US family usually ship a car to Europe?
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AllieC
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Post by AllieC on Mar 24, 2019 11:00:31 GMT
In your shoes I would definitely go. It is only 2 years and your children are young adults. Many of us were out of home and totally independent at their ages. It will be good for them too. I like the idea of getting your ds a 2 bedroom apartment so that your dd has somewhere to base herself during her school vacations.
The opportunity to live in Europe and travel to so many countries is amazing, I would jump at it.
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Post by cmhs on Mar 24, 2019 11:56:09 GMT
Don't"what if" your way out of this opportunity. Go!
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Post by Really Red on Mar 24, 2019 11:58:52 GMT
YES YES YES!!!!
OMG YES!!
This said, I have 3 kids in college and I would hesitate and weigh the pros and cons, but last year my DD went to Switzerland for a semester. I didn't even realize she was gone. Every morning, I'd walk the dog and we'd face time the whole time. Every morning! Normally, I talk with each of my kids once, possibly twice a week and rarely facetime. It was lovely! I felt like I was a part of her experience.
When I did my junior year abroad I talked to my parents twice in 10 mos and it was VERY expensive! She can pop over for spring break and you can do all sorts of fun things.
YES!!! Do it!!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2019 12:08:55 GMT
But, we have thought of supplementing DS’s budget for him to get a 2 bedroom apartment. That way DD would have a place to go on breaks and they do get along very well. Previously, we had pretty much decided that DS wouldn’t get a car and just rely on public transportation and Uber, but we could give them my car, as we would probably only take one vehicle overseas. I would go, and the above idea is, to me, the best solution which seems to be the biggest question mark that is clouding your decision to go. You won't get this opportunity again, grab it while you can and make the most of the experience. |
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maryannscraps
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Post by maryannscraps on Mar 24, 2019 12:23:54 GMT
Just to add that colleges have plenty of students who don't go home during breaks. Lots of students are from overseas and can't get back home for a one-week break. They deal -- visit with friends at other colleges, go home with a friend, take a trip somewhere else. It's really not that big a deal. My DH never went home on breaks -- they didn't have the money to fly him across the country. He usually drove a few hours to visit with his aunts.
I was married and independent by age 22. Your kids will be just fine.
Go and enjoy this dream job and traveling around Europe. What a fabulous opportunity.
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Post by mikklynn on Mar 24, 2019 12:42:05 GMT
Renting a 2 bedroom apartment for your DS is genius. Then your DD can go there on the occasional weekend or short break.
Another out there thought - can she apply to a school in Belgium? I have no idea what that would take or what language barriers there may be. It's just a thought.
Talk to your kids. I bet they say go.
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wellway
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Post by wellway on Mar 24, 2019 12:50:42 GMT
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wellway
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Post by wellway on Mar 24, 2019 13:03:24 GMT
Just to add my thoughts, go and enjoy. Show your children that life and opportunities can come along at any time.
You know the peas can provide lots and lots of ideas for places and things to do.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2019 13:24:20 GMT
I agree with everything that has been said. I think it’s s brilliant opportunity to be seized with both hands. Enjoy every minute of it! Something surprised me and may I ask a question? You mentioned taking a car with you. Is this normal under these circumstances? Would a US family usually ship a car to Europe? The military will ship one vehicle over for most service members. It does vary some by country and by rank. Usually only really junior enlisted aren't allowed to ship a vehicle. More senior enlisted and officers typically get on vehicle shipment. |
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Post by busy on Mar 24, 2019 14:00:37 GMT
I went to college in MN from WA. I only went home for winter break and summer. Shorter breaks, I went home with friends who lived closer or traveled with friends. Your daughter could do the same and be just fine.
Take the opportunity. Your kids will be fine - and will probably love the chance to explore Europe themselves relatively inexpensively with you living there.
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Post by Skellinton on Mar 24, 2019 14:34:08 GMT
If it is for two years, then I don’t even see it as a question, of course you should take it. So, ignore my other comments, I wasn’t sure if this was going to be permanent .
Go, your kids will be fine and hopefully have some wonderful experiences when they visit.
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