|
Post by dewryce on Sept 10, 2019 15:04:13 GMT
I had a room-mate that was famous for leaving her clothes either in the washer or the dryer. I started taking them out and just putting them in a laundry basket (if available) or I would lay them on top of the dryer (wet or dry) - she would get annoyed with me and say "Why did you lay my wet clothes on the dryer? I would say...because they were in the way and I needed the washer/dryer. Eventually she started making sure she completed her laundry but there were times she still left it.
My SIL was a stay at home mom. However, she wanted it to be clear that she wasn't a maid. My brother used to be bad to take his clothes off and just leave them on the floor or wherever. One day, he didn't have any clean undies or jeans and asked why not. She replied. . . I told you if the clothes were in the hamper, I'd wash them for you, but if they are not in the hamper, I don't know they need washing. He started putting his clothes in the hamper after that. A simple task. I am glad she stuck to her guns.
When things like that happen, just take them his clothes out, set them aside and don't worry about it - you told him where his clothes are, he knows. You can't FORCE a grown person do something but you don't have to do it for him either. This seems passive-aggressive, but honestly sometimes it is necessary for someone to really “get it.” Once it starts impacting them the light clicks on. Honestly, since this seems to be an ongoing issue I would do something like that. Even putting them on his side of the bed so he HAS to deal with it. Not on top of the washer or dryer since I use that space. Not in a basket on our limited floor space in there. On the bed so he is forced to deal with it. Or, does he have a room of his own? DH was leaving everything laying around for a while, including trash. First I ignored it, then I asked, then I mentioned, then I nagged, then I insisted. It was causing a lot of tension and issues for quite a while and I was tired of it. So anytime I came across something upstairs it went straight to his room. For me, it was an instant mental shift. The house stayed clean so I could enjoy it, it took very little effort on my part to get it out of my sight, and I didn’t resent him for being an inconsiderate slob. It annoyed him and he complained and asked why I was doing it. “Well, you know how seeing this one space turned to crap annoyed you? That was our house. Everything you see in here was left laying around our house by you. Imagine how I feel every time I walk in a room to find it trashed by you?” Not how I would have preferred to handle things, but the only thing that worked at the time. (((Hugs))) I’m sorry things are so rough for you right now. Mixed states are the worst. If I had money I’d put you up in a hotel somewhere so you didn’t have to deal with your family’s foolishness and could concentrate on getting through this episode.
|
|
|
Post by Susie_Homemaker on Sept 10, 2019 15:04:55 GMT
I wonder if there is a breakdown in communication? You say: will you get your clothes from the dryer. But you mean: will you get up and get your clothes from the dryer, right now. You say: Will you cook dinner? What you mean is: I would like you have to dinner ready by 6:00. You say: will you clean the bathroom? But you mean: will you clean the toilet, sinks, floor and whatever else. I am NOT saying this is your fault. I think you could be assuming he is thinking like you do, and will do things the way you do. I just think it could help to be more specific in your requests. I think sitting him down, telling him how unloved you feel, will help him understand. From what you've shared, Jeremy is a good guy. He loves you. So maybe telling him how you feel and ask if we can line out some expectations about whats he's going to do to help. Be specific with what he needs to do to help.
|
|
freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
|
Post by freebird on Sept 10, 2019 15:05:32 GMT
So have the two of you sat down and discussed exactly each of you are responsible for? I'm wondering if there's a bit of a you assigning chores to him dynamic that he's resisting (?) The dinner thing is pretty obnoxious. If there are days he's suppose to be cooking dinner, delaying so that you get hungry enough to do it is a dick move. I would have went and made myself something to eat and frankly he'd be on his own for meals until he made that right. Yes, I have asked for him to clean the bathroom once per week. I have asked for him to cook dinner once per week. I have asked him to be responsible for dishes/loading dishwasher on Wednesday (He's off on Wednesday) and I go out to craft on Wednesday night so I don't eat dinner at home. I asked my kids to take M-Th & T-Fr on dishes/loading dishwasher and I do weekends. My kids do their own laundry and I do ours. I just feel like he's being a big baby. I don't know. All I know is, I'm feeling very unloved. I am feeling like my husband doesn't give one rip about my mental health. Tell him directly the bolded part. If he continues, after you tell him this, you have some bigger problems to solve.
|
|
|
Post by monklady123 on Sept 10, 2019 15:18:15 GMT
Yes, on the subject of the clothes in the dryer, just take them out and put your stuff in. Leave his down there wherever you've put them. If you haven't mentioned it once already (once is enough) then when you get back upstairs you could just say "hey, I moved your clothes from the dryer to the basket/bin/whatever". Done. Say nothing else and go about your business. If he wants it all upstairs then he'll bring it up. If he doesn't care then he'll go down there every day to find what he wants to wear. I ended up doing this with my ds. Turns out he didn't care if he had to walk downstairs every day. Sometimes he'd end up bring stuff upstairs, sometimes not. And sometimes when he did bring it up it didn't get put away. But I decided not to care since he did his own laundry anyway... it was on him what he wanted to do with it.
|
|
|
Post by disneypal on Sept 10, 2019 15:37:41 GMT
He is wanting you to do it for him. He figures if he doesn't do it (laundry, dinner, clean, etc) that you will give in and do it. DON'T !! If he is supposed to cook dinner and he doesn't, then you just fix yourself a sandwich or a bowl of cereal and don't worry if anyone else eats, it is his job that day to take care of it.
He figures if he doesn't clean the floor, you will clean it...don't do it, don't give in.
Maybe put a chore list on the refrigerator. Mark off the things you complete from your list. It doesn't mean he will do them but perhaps if it is staring him in the face, he will at least be aware of what he is NOT doing.
|
|
|
Post by lisacharlotte on Sept 10, 2019 16:02:02 GMT
He needs to do his own laundry. We take care of our own in our house for this exact reason. I’m the one who leaves my stuff in the dryer.
|
|
|
Post by workingclassdog on Sept 10, 2019 16:03:26 GMT
That's easy.. take them out of the dryer and pile them in the first logical place... for me is the couch. Then I don't worry about it.
|
|
|
Post by workingclassdog on Sept 10, 2019 16:05:46 GMT
Yes, all good suggestions. But it isn't just laundry. It's every single thing around the house I ask him to do. The other night, he was supposed to make dinner he waited and waited and waited. And finally (at 6:30 pm) I said, gee, I'm hungry, are you cooking anytime soon? And then he was like, if you're hungry, why don't you cook dinner? He's had two meals in the past two weeks to make and he's pushed them off twice. And then two weeks ago, I asked him to clean the bathroom. He cleaned the sink and the toilet. He did not clean the floor or the shower. I let it go, I let it go, I let it go. And then finally I was like, well I guess that the floor will get cleaned next time you clean the bathroom? I feel like I'm being purposely messed with. And I'm ready to f-ing explode about it. Cook your own meal... I don't play games.. The bathroom is tricky if you share.. but if you have a different one to use.. then I would be moving my stuff to that one.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 9:21:26 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2019 16:16:20 GMT
My family does their own laundry. I got tired of asking them to move things along. Now if someone leaves something in the dryer it either gets tossed in an available basket on their bedroom floor.
I wish I could do the same for the kitchen sink....
|
|
tanya2
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1604
Posts: 4,427
Jun 27, 2014 2:27:09 GMT
|
Post by tanya2 on Sept 10, 2019 16:26:20 GMT
All I know is, I'm feeling very unloved. I am feeling like my husband doesn't give one rip about my mental health. You need to say exactly this to him. He's being very passive aggressive about not helping you. He figures if he just doesn't do it, or does it poorly, that you'll give up asking him & just do it yourself. My kids do this sometimes. My response is that if you did it that badly then clearly you need more practice. Its time to sit down & have another talk with him. Say the above to him, and that you really need his help around the house to help with your mental health. Ask him why he's doing his best to get out of his chores and why he's being such a child about it (ok maybe nicer than that). And tell him you are very close to your breaking point.
|
|
|
Post by 950nancy on Sept 10, 2019 16:27:55 GMT
I took a love and logic course when I was teaching. It was really about making the young person feel the consequences of their decisions. It wasn't something you do to them as much as what happens logically when someone chooses not to do what they should. In this case, I would have added another basket to the room and tossed them in it and let him get them when he wanted to. If they are wrinkled, he'll have to iron them or toss them back in causing him more work. If it makes him late for work, so be it. If he doesn't have any consequences, well, at least you didn't do the extra work.
One of the best pieces of advice I got when I was pregnant was from a lady who had five kids. She said her biggest mistake was not letting her husband do much with raising the kids. He didn't do the things as well as she did, so she did it all. I saw my dad pull this with my mom with anything that was in the house for work. He acted incompetent so she would do it. She did. I told my husband before we got married that I would do half of the work (time wise). If he did a crap job, I ignored it. I found when his mom came to visit he wanted things perfect, so he began to do things better. He now cleans much more thoroughly than I do. I am okay with that.
Stand your ground. Even great guys can be manipulative with wanting someone else to do something they don't want to do. I mean wouldn't you love to have a wife who did everything?
|
|
|
Post by 950nancy on Sept 10, 2019 16:31:39 GMT
So have the two of you sat down and discussed exactly each of you are responsible for? I'm wondering if there's a bit of a you assigning chores to him dynamic that he's resisting (?) The dinner thing is pretty obnoxious. If there are days he's suppose to be cooking dinner, delaying so that you get hungry enough to do it is a dick move. I would have went and made myself something to eat and frankly he'd be on his own for meals until he made that right. I still have the piece of paper that we wrote in 1987 for splitting chores. It did come out a few times in our first few years of marriage. If my husband didn't cook dinner, I would have made a peanut butter sandwich and expected he do it the next day.
|
|
sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,580
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
|
Post by sharlag on Sept 10, 2019 16:35:19 GMT
I hate to assume people's motives. So many of you are saying that he/DH is waiting for HER to do the work. I tend to think that's OUR projecting our frustration onto the situation.
The trouble is-- HIS neglect or forgetfulness or CONNIVING (if you think this is truly the case) turns US into passive aggressive retaliation or manipulation. Which is what we are accusing THEM (the men) of.
|
|
|
Post by tyra on Sept 10, 2019 16:41:13 GMT
Oh I wish that I had good advice for you, because then I wouldn't be having such issues.
I quit doing DHs laundry. That is 100% on him now.
But it has turned into a larger headache. He will be all ambitious and start his laundry. Then just leave it. He has his laundry bag and a PILE of his laundry in the laundry room, waiting to be washed. How long has it been there? Oh three weeks or so. He has another pile on his side of the bed, and another in the master bathroom.
He has a laundry basket of clean clothes on the floor in front of his dresser, and more clean clothes on top of his dresser. He has a ton of clothes, so I am sure that he is fine, except for underwear.
He literally went and bought new underwear last week. W.T.F.
When I ask him when he wants to do laundry, he always says "Well I didn't know when you needed to do your laundry". TELL ME WHEN YOU WANT TO DO YOURS! Between my clothes, a 2 year old boys clothes, sheets, towels, etc, I do laundry almost every day. If he wants to do laundry tell me and I will make sure the washer and dryer are available.
It pisses me off to no end, but I refuse to do his laundry. I don't know if he is holding out until I am sick of it and just do it or what, but no way I am doing it.
|
|
|
Post by twinks on Sept 10, 2019 16:42:44 GMT
Hugs
I have had this problem to a lesser degree, but, it still bugged me. My DD hates for me to "piece it" in telling her what to do. She likes to have a list and a schedule. We sit down every Sunday afternoon and go through expectations, chores, etc. For example, she needs me to take her to get her hair cut this afternoon so she needed to make me aware of it. She is assigned dinner on Wednesday and Thursday this week. I have an appointment tomorrow evening. We have a standing rule that dinner is ready by 5:30pm no matter who is fixing it. We each do our own laundry and have our assigned days. We sit down on Saturday mornings and meal plan and make the grocery list. I guess I am just used to this because this is what was done in our home growing up with 8 children and a physician father.
We have a chore chart and rotated chores on a monthly basis. For example, mowing the lawn, shoveling, weeding, dishes, dusting & vacuuming, bathrooms. On the chore chart is the list of what needs to be done for each chore. For example, cleaning the bathroom: the mirror, shower, toilet, countertop, sink, floor and linens washed. Some of these are daily and some are a minimum of weekly. I don't nag. The expectation is that they will get done before bedtime.
We also have a half hour scheduled every night to do a "pick up" and get organized for the next day.
Seriously, you are all adults and can work this out as adults. It is past time for you to stop being the "Mom" to everyone - including your husband.
|
|
|
Post by bc2ca on Sept 10, 2019 16:44:54 GMT
I hate to assume people's motives. So many of you are saying that he/DH is waiting for HER to do the work. I tend to think that's OUR projecting our frustration onto the situation. The trouble is-- HIS neglect or forgetfulness or CONNIVING (if you think this is truly the case) turns US into passive aggressive retaliation or manipulation. Which is what we are accusing THEM (the men) of. I do think there is often less deliberate motivations involved than just simple lack of priority for the DH/kids to get whatever you want done, done. jeremysgirl, this "All I know is, I'm feeling very unloved. I am feeling like my husband doesn't give one rip about my mental health." is the message your DH needs to hear, process and understand.
|
|
maryannscraps
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,791
Aug 28, 2017 12:51:28 GMT
|
Post by maryannscraps on Sept 10, 2019 16:56:37 GMT
In your discussions with him, I'd remind him that marriages run on respect. You feel disrespected when he fails to follow through on his responsibilities and tries to make them yours.
|
|
|
Post by thundergal on Sept 10, 2019 17:03:20 GMT
I don't feel equipped to add much to the discussion, but I want to offer you a big hug, jeremysgirl. I'm so sorry you're feeling unloved and unappreciated, especially when you're already struggling. I'm glad you posted and I hope the responses here have been just the slightest bit helpful, if not just to maybe make you feel not so alone.
|
|
|
Post by needsperspective on Sept 10, 2019 17:13:59 GMT
As tempting as it is, I wouldn't go with passive-aggressive. I had to deal with a husband who was passive-aggressive for 14 of the 18 years we were together and this drove me to leave. That said... I would do what people here have recommended, but would tell him that's what I intend to do. I'd tell him that I feel unloved, as you said because this is really important, and then tell him that if things don't change, you'll start taking care of you own needs (in terms of laundry and meals) and he can take care of his. I figure it's fair to warn him of the consequences if he is not more helpful. Then it's his call to pitch in or not, and when you do as you please, he can't blame you because you told him that's what would happen.
I don't know if the question has been asked, but do both of you work? It there a reason why you do more, like some kind of agreement between the two of you?
Good luck!
|
|
snyder
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,294
Location: Colorado
Apr 26, 2017 6:14:47 GMT
|
Post by snyder on Sept 10, 2019 17:19:10 GMT
You mentioned several days ago your husband had an ulcer. Maybe he has some stuff going on too that may be making him a little off and not tuning in to the need of helping around the home. I think men in general do not take household chores as serious as women and therefore, never quite do the chores to standard measure. I wonder if a sit down discussion needs to take place in the family so everyone is on the same page and maybe do this quarterly or at least a couple times a year, as it is easy to slip back into old ways. {{{Hugs}}}
|
|
|
Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 10, 2019 17:20:57 GMT
Would it help to have a chore chart posted on the fridge w/each persons assigned chore/date/time? Will your dh and kids sit though a meeting where everyone chooses a chore? Definitely, start putting his laundry in a basket on the floor. I do that w/my kids who never unload the dryer. If you wanna wear wrinkled laundry from the floor that's up to you. I've done my bit. You could also, have Jeremy do his own laundry. If he runs out of underwear he'll have to do his laundry. Don't be supermom. You have enough on your already full plate. I went home at lunch time and posted a monthly calendar with everyone's agreed to assigned jobs on it.
|
|
|
Post by tentoes on Sept 10, 2019 17:26:36 GMT
When my husband was alive, we did "Monday morning blessing" with our weekly chores. We both worked for about 2 hours. I cleaned both bathrooms, and the kitchen floor, and he ran the vacuum, and sometimes remembered to do the dusting! You know men!! I sorted the clothes and started the laundry. When they were finished, we both folded and put things away. So, after about 2 hours, we had a clean house, most of the laundry was finished, or at least on the way. If anything else needed to be done in the week, it usually fell on me. DH took care of the yard, the cars, washing windows, and any fixing of anything. I took care of the animals, the meals, the shopping. I loved Monday mornings-- Now I have to do everything myself. Not fun at all! I have NO IDEA how to fix anything, and I can hardly see out of the kitchen window. Looks like I'm going to have to learn how to do that now.
|
|
|
Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 10, 2019 17:28:18 GMT
I hate to assume people's motives. So many of you are saying that he/DH is waiting for HER to do the work. I tend to think that's OUR projecting our frustration onto the situation. The trouble is-- HIS neglect or forgetfulness or CONNIVING (if you think this is truly the case) turns US into passive aggressive retaliation or manipulation. Which is what we are accusing THEM (the men) of. This is a very valid point. I guess for me I just sit here like I felt with a 3 year old. Mom's asking me to do something. I'm not doing it. Mom asks again. Still not doing it. Mom asks a third time. Still not feeling like it. Mom is yelling. Well you crazy mom, why are you yelling?
|
|
sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,580
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
|
Post by sharlag on Sept 10, 2019 17:32:44 GMT
The 'please do this chore' scenario feels like a mother/child dynamic, which is NOT what I want with my DSO.
It's a shitty position to be in.
|
|
|
Post by papersilly on Sept 10, 2019 17:40:07 GMT
no advice. i'm just thrilled that i've NEVER had to do DH's laundry. he's great about unloading his clothes from the dryer. it's me who is the guilty of leaving stuff in there too long. makes him nuts.
|
|
|
Post by hop2 on Sept 10, 2019 17:43:08 GMT
Ok, if I need the dryer ( private dryer not laundromat )& someone else’s stuff is in it, I put it in a basket, set the basket aside & move on.
Pick your battles, you told him once, he didn’t do it, put it in s basket so it’s out of your way & move on. While I understand your frustration, it’s just not worth getting upset over.
BTW everyone in my house had an extra huge basket that was technically *my* basket for *their* laundry. If the clean basket is full I don’t wash anymore of their laundry.
|
|
paigepea
Drama Llama
Enter your message here...
Posts: 5,609
Location: BC, Canada
Jun 26, 2014 4:28:55 GMT
|
Post by paigepea on Sept 10, 2019 18:06:52 GMT
I just put dh’s things in the basket and let him get them out. I’d even put them on the laundry room counter if the basket is full.
I have learned that there are tasks dh and I like to do and tasks we hate doing. Maybe you can find something he likes doing and is willing to do a lot of (like dishes or grocery shopping) and you can dump the clothes on his side of the bed as a trade?
|
|
|
Post by papercrafteradvocate on Sept 10, 2019 18:19:47 GMT
I’ve been asking myself as of late, “when did I become my husband’s mom?”
I’ll put trash by the door. He will walk over it.
He hasn’t once, in the last 6 months, cleaned anything in the house (the rest of us have).
He says he will do his laundry, but he brings it down and does not start it, so I end up doing it along with all the rest.
I decide what everyone eats for 98% of the meals. I make 90% of them. I hate that!
I do work from home now, so I’m here but after a long day, I just don’t want to!
I’m verbal, I’ll ask for help. Promises are made, most unkept. Drives me nuts!
Watching this thread for the $100K answer...
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 9:21:26 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2019 18:22:42 GMT
Can you come at this from a different angle.
It’s time to our laundry. You gather up and separate everything and I will get the first load stated.
While the laundry is going, we can clean the bathrooms. I wol clean the sinks and tub. You clean the toilet and floor.
Time for another load laundry. I will put this in the dryer and you bring another load to be done.
Please take this basket to the folding and distribution area. And I will put this stuff in the dryer and start another load. Please hang up the stuff that needs hanging.
Time for a snack, let’s plan the meals for the week, while we have a drink. What would you like to make this week?
You clean always clean naked, that makes my husband excited to clean!
|
|
|
Post by roundtwo on Sept 10, 2019 18:25:40 GMT
I hate to assume people's motives. So many of you are saying that he/DH is waiting for HER to do the work. I tend to think that's OUR projecting our frustration onto the situation. The trouble is-- HIS neglect or forgetfulness or CONNIVING (if you think this is truly the case) turns US into passive aggressive retaliation or manipulation. Which is what we are accusing THEM (the men) of. This is a very valid point. I guess for me I just sit here like I felt with a 3 year old. Mom's asking me to do something. I'm not doing it. Mom asks again. Still not doing it. Mom asks a third time. Still not feeling like it. Mom is yelling. Well you crazy mom, why are you yelling? This was my first marriage - it really was crazy making and I don't think people understand how it affects your view of yourself after so many years of being the one who is always out of control, always mad, always near the breaking point. I spent far too long thinking I didn't deserve to be treated well since I was obviously the problem.
I don't know the solution as I was lucky enough to discover the ex was cheating - I finally found my way out and discovered that it really wasn't me. I hope you can find a solution that works and gives you the loving, respectful relationship you deserve.
|
|