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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 10, 2019 13:14:36 GMT
So on Saturday I did all the clothing/towel laundry. My very last load was DH work clothes. I washed them and dried them and then around 4:00 Saturday afternoon I said to him, your work clothes should be done, will you go downstairs and get them out of the dryer. He nodded and I assumed he would.
Sunday morning I woke up and went to wash our bedding. I had my basket loaded with dirty bedding. I put a load in the washing machine and I saw his clothes were still in the dryer. I came upstairs and said your clothes are still in the dryer. He said, I'll get them. Then I went downstairs an hour later to switch my laundry and his clothes were still in the dryer. At this point I'm about ready to lose my shit.
I come upstairs and I say, your clothes are still in the dryer and I need the dryer to dry the sheets. He says, I'll get them. And then a half hour proceeds to go by before he actually gets them out of the dryer and I can put the sheets in the dryer. I'm fuming.
Normal me would have just brought the clothes up and folded them myself. But I've been trying for months now to get others to help me out around the house. And it's not going well. And it's really bothering me because I am having some issues with my mental health. Everyone knows this and I have made my needs very clear. On top of this Sunday I was having a really bad mixed episode. He knew from the time I woke up I wasn't feeling well and that it was taking every ounce of energy I had to hold myself together.
I am just at the point where I don't know what more I can do. I've been trying to push back but my DH has this very dumb act going on. My DS has autism and lacks some social graces. But if I ask him to do something and he isn't going to do it, he will say, no I'm not doing that. It feels like a smack but at least I can readjust my expectations. I have even asked DH to say no to me when it isn't going to happen. I figured if he had to upfront be a dick to me then maybe it would highlight better for him that he was in fact being a dick. But he refuses to do that. So I'm left with thinking he's going to do something and then it never getting done.
I need a new strategy.
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twinsmomfla99
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,087
Jun 26, 2014 13:42:47 GMT
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Post by twinsmomfla99 on Sept 10, 2019 13:17:20 GMT
Take them out and put them in the basket for him to fold. When he needs clean clothes, he will figure it out.
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Post by Leone on Sept 10, 2019 13:19:46 GMT
I agree. Put them in a basket and ignore them.
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Post by gar on Sept 10, 2019 13:20:18 GMT
Yes, that. It sounds trite but currently there’s s no urgency for him. It’s not top of his list of priorities and it won’t be until it affects him directly.
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Post by disneypal on Sept 10, 2019 13:21:26 GMT
I had a room-mate that was famous for leaving her clothes either in the washer or the dryer. I started taking them out and just putting them in a laundry basket (if available) or I would lay them on top of the dryer (wet or dry) - she would get annoyed with me and say "Why did you lay my wet clothes on the dryer? I would say...because they were in the way and I needed the washer/dryer. Eventually she started making sure she completed her laundry but there were times she still left it.
My SIL was a stay at home mom. However, she wanted it to be clear that she wasn't a maid. My brother used to be bad to take his clothes off and just leave them on the floor or wherever. One day, he didn't have any clean undies or jeans and asked why not. She replied. . . I told you if the clothes were in the hamper, I'd wash them for you, but if they are not in the hamper, I don't know they need washing. He started putting his clothes in the hamper after that. A simple task. I am glad she stuck to her guns.
When things like that happen, just take them his clothes out, set them aside and don't worry about it - you told him where his clothes are, he knows. You can't FORCE a grown person do something but you don't have to do it for him either.
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Post by beepdave on Sept 10, 2019 13:22:24 GMT
I quit doing my husband's laundry. It was the same song and dance, so I stopped starting it for him. It's up to him to keep track of his work clothes now and our lives are much better. He usually does his on Mondays and I do mine and the towels, sheets, etc. on the weekend. I even have our 14 year old son (with a mild cognitive impairment) doing his own laundry start to finish. He may grumble a bit when I ask him to do it, but he goes right to it. He knows his earned Xbox time is on the line. LOL
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Post by femalebusiness on Sept 10, 2019 13:25:46 GMT
Take them out and put them in the basket for him to fold. When he needs clean clothes, he will figure it out. This. Leave them in a basket next to the dryer. Problem solved.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 10, 2019 13:26:25 GMT
Yes, all good suggestions. But it isn't just laundry. It's every single thing around the house I ask him to do. The other night, he was supposed to make dinner he waited and waited and waited. And finally (at 6:30 pm) I said, gee, I'm hungry, are you cooking anytime soon? And then he was like, if you're hungry, why don't you cook dinner? He's had two meals in the past two weeks to make and he's pushed them off twice. And then two weeks ago, I asked him to clean the bathroom. He cleaned the sink and the toilet. He did not clean the floor or the shower. I let it go, I let it go, I let it go. And then finally I was like, well I guess that the floor will get cleaned next time you clean the bathroom? I feel like I'm being purposely messed with. And I'm ready to f-ing explode about it.
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lesley
Drama Llama
My best friend Turriff, desperately missed.
Posts: 7,294
Location: Scotland, Scotland, Scotland
Jul 6, 2014 21:50:44 GMT
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Post by lesley on Sept 10, 2019 13:28:33 GMT
I wouldn’t even put them in a basket. I would have taken them out and left them on the floor as soon as I saw them there after I had first mentioned it. But I know this is just one issue, and there are probably other examples also infuriating you. You've probably already got your household together to speak to them. I would give that another shot. I pointed out to my kids that we are all adults living in the one house. It is unfair to expect me to do all of the work in running the house, just because I am the mum. We all have issues; DD is autistic and has mobility issues, DS is ADHD and struggles with severe depression, and I have RA and need a new hip.(Which I can’t schedule until one or both of my kids have passed their driving tests). The house can only be calm, comfortable and welcoming if we all do our bit. It has helped in that when I ask them to do things, they now do them almost as soon as I ask. Neither one has got any better at noticing when things need done, but hopefully that will come. In your case, you and your DH also work full time, so it is even more important that everyone contributes. Apart from that, I have nothing.
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Post by beepdave on Sept 10, 2019 13:34:28 GMT
Yes, all good suggestions. But it isn't just laundry. It's every single thing around the house I ask him to do. The other night, he was supposed to make dinner he waited and waited and waited. And finally (at 6:30 pm) I said, gee, I'm hungry, are you cooking anytime soon? And then he was like, if you're hungry, why don't you cook dinner? He's had two meals in the past two weeks to make and he's pushed them off twice. And then two weeks ago, I asked him to clean the bathroom. He cleaned the sink and the toilet. He did not clean the floor or the shower. I let it go, I let it go, I let it go. And then finally I was like, well I guess that the floor will get cleaned next time you clean the bathroom? I feel like I'm being purposely messed with. And I'm ready to f-ing explode about it. You have to be OK with letting it go. Instead of waiting for dinner until 6:30 you could have said something like "Hey, can I help you get dinner started?" Why let it go so far that you have to be passive aggressive about that, too? There's no point in a pissing match on every task. Your mental health worth is more than that. I'm definitely speaking from experience.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Sept 10, 2019 13:42:27 GMT
So have the two of you sat down and discussed exactly each of you are responsible for? I'm wondering if there's a bit of a you assigning chores to him dynamic that he's resisting (?) The dinner thing is pretty obnoxious. If there are days he's suppose to be cooking dinner, delaying so that you get hungry enough to do it is a dick move. I would have went and made myself something to eat and frankly he'd be on his own for meals until he made that right.
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blue tulip
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,005
Jun 25, 2014 20:53:57 GMT
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Post by blue tulip on Sept 10, 2019 13:46:04 GMT
i validate you, it sounds incredibly frustrating. i would've dumped his clothes on the floor, but i get that that doesn't really accomplish your goal of wanting quality, timely help from him. would he respond better if you gave him clear times? like, will you make supper tonight, so that we're eating at 6? or sit down and set out clear expectations- these are the days i need you to make dinner, and we need to be eating by x time. when it's your turn to clean x room, that includes all of these things. tell him how his "help" is actually causing your more stress because you have to constantly nag him to get it done. that's not help! believe me, i know it's stupid to have to ask and have to specify everything. i'm lucky that mine is pretty good at seeing needs and stepping in now. but i also learned for the times it matters, to put limits on things- please have this done by x time because i have other things i need to do.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 10, 2019 13:51:02 GMT
So have the two of you sat down and discussed exactly each of you are responsible for? I'm wondering if there's a bit of a you assigning chores to him dynamic that he's resisting (?) The dinner thing is pretty obnoxious. If there are days he's suppose to be cooking dinner, delaying so that you get hungry enough to do it is a dick move. I would have went and made myself something to eat and frankly he'd be on his own for meals until he made that right. Yes, I have asked for him to clean the bathroom once per week. I have asked for him to cook dinner once per week. I have asked him to be responsible for dishes/loading dishwasher on Wednesday (He's off on Wednesday) and I go out to craft on Wednesday night so I don't eat dinner at home. I asked my kids to take M-Th & T-Fr on dishes/loading dishwasher and I do weekends. My kids do their own laundry and I do ours. I just feel like he's being a big baby. I don't know. All I know is, I'm feeling very unloved. I am feeling like my husband doesn't give one rip about my mental health.
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rickmer
Pearl Clutcher
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Jul 1, 2014 20:20:18 GMT
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Post by rickmer on Sept 10, 2019 14:00:00 GMT
i stopped doing my ex's laundry but for a different reason. he was just suck a dick about it.
in your case, i would a conversation with your DH that you are frustrated and feel ignored and taken advantage of.
THEN i would do what i do when my kids... i cease and desist helping them at all. "mom, can you give me a hand with this?" my reply: "no, i am sorry. families help each other and the other day when i asked for 'x' you couldn't do it so i guess our family doesn't work that way".
bitchy? yes. passive aggressive? maybe. but it works. i have to pull it out once or twice a year but smooth sailing after that.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 7:29:52 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2019 14:00:15 GMT
All I know is, I'm feeling very unloved. I am feeling like my husband doesn't give one rip about my mental health. I was going to make a glib comment about giving him a thick ear until I read this. I'm so sad that you're feeling this way, you are the most amazing woman and you deserve to feel loved and cherished and cared for. I don't know what the answer is to this, I have similar issues with my husband, his brain doesn't seem to comprehend that things like cleaning and laundry need doing and it's for both our benefit that they get done. 2Peas would be a very sad place without you, know you are loved here.
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Post by Linda on Sept 10, 2019 14:00:30 GMT
(((((Hugs)))) and prayers jeremysgirlI don't have much advise - I struggle with the same things with DH and my DD and I often end up just doing the thing while resenting every minute of it or it just doesn't get done which I also resent (looks at the lawn that hasn't been moved in a month since DS was home and mowed it and it hadn't been mowed in a month + before that). Letting it go is better for my mental health but it's SO hard to do esp. since clutter and disorder are also not good for my mental health.
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Post by mom on Sept 10, 2019 14:01:42 GMT
I wonder if there is a breakdown in communication?
You say: will you get your clothes from the dryer.
But you mean: will you get up and get your clothes from the dryer, right now.
You say: Will you cook dinner?
What you mean is: I would like you have to dinner ready by 6:00.
You say: will you clean the bathroom?
But you mean: will you clean the toilet, sinks, floor and whatever else.
I am NOT saying this is your fault. I think you could be assuming he is thinking like you do, and will do things the way you do. I just think it could help to be more specific in your requests.
I think sitting him down, telling him how unloved you feel, will help him understand. From what you've shared, Jeremy is a good guy. He loves you. So maybe telling him how you feel and ask if we can line out some expectations about whats he's going to do to help. Be specific with what he needs to do to help.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Sept 10, 2019 14:11:56 GMT
I know exactly what you’re talking about because my family pulls the exact same BS. It’s as if they are subconsciously saying, “Your emergency is not my problem.” So fine, let it BECOME their problem. And then let them deal with it. They aren’t seeing or experiencing why they need to get a move on and do what you’re asking right away, so they just don’t.
As for the laundry thing, I would have taken his crap out of the dryer and thrown it on the laundry room floor and left it there after the first time I asked. If he needs a basket, he can go find one. As for the dinner thing, I wouldn’t have waited until 6:30 when I was starving. I would get up out of my chair around 5:45-6, grab my purse and take *myself* out for a nice, quiet dinner ALONE. Key words here being NICE and ALONE, as in, not McDonald’s or some crap like that. I’d go somewhere good that they would have also enjoyed, but too bad, so sad. But I’m mean like that. Again, if they’re not hungry, fine. But if it’s not my night to cook, dammit, I’M NOT COOKING. But that doesn’t mean I’m not EATING. I take care of *me* and the heck with the rest of them if they’re not going to follow the program! 😡
I’ve gotten to the point with my family that I’m done with the multiple requests which are really more like mere suggestions to their ears. Now I flat out tell them, “I need you to (fill in the blank) right now.” And if they don’t move, I ask, “Did you hear me?” If they hear me asking them that, they know I’m on my way to being angry, which my DD in particular really doesn’t like. Sometimes with her I will add, “I’m about 30 seconds away from turning into Mean Crabby Mom. Do you want that?” And that always gets my kid up off her butt.
With DH it has to be more nuanced because I’m not his mom and he hates being told what to do. Reasoning works better with him, so I will also tell him WHY I need his help with whatever right at that minute. If there is something that isn’t immediately time sensitive, I try to phrase it in a way that gives them my timeframe for a task instead of leaving it open ended, such as, “I have to (whatever) in an hour, so I need you to (whatever) before that.” It’s not perfect, but it works a lot better than the endless nagging which nobody likes, including me.
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Post by scrapmaven on Sept 10, 2019 14:12:04 GMT
Would it help to have a chore chart posted on the fridge w/each persons assigned chore/date/time? Will your dh and kids sit though a meeting where everyone chooses a chore? Definitely, start putting his laundry in a basket on the floor. I do that w/my kids who never unload the dryer. If you wanna wear wrinkled laundry from the floor that's up to you. I've done my bit. You could also have Jeremy do his own laundry. If he runs out of underwear he'll have to do his laundry. Don't be supermom. You have enough on your already full plate.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Sept 10, 2019 14:21:49 GMT
Yes, all good suggestions. But it isn't just laundry. It's every single thing around the house I ask him to do. The other night, he was supposed to make dinner he waited and waited and waited. And finally (at 6:30 pm) I said, gee, I'm hungry, are you cooking anytime soon? And then he was like, if you're hungry, why don't you cook dinner? He's had two meals in the past two weeks to make and he's pushed them off twice. And then two weeks ago, I asked him to clean the bathroom. He cleaned the sink and the toilet. He did not clean the floor or the shower. I let it go, I let it go, I let it go. And then finally I was like, well I guess that the floor will get cleaned next time you clean the bathroom? I feel like I'm being purposely messed with. And I'm ready to f-ing explode about it. You have to be OK with letting it go. Instead of waiting for dinner until 6:30 you could have said something like "Hey, can I help you get dinner started?" Why let it go so far that you have to be passive aggressive about that, too? There's no point in a pissing match on every task. Your mental health worth is more than that. I'm definitely speaking from experience. This doesn’t help solve the problem though because clearly it’s his night to cook and he’s hoping she will just step up and do it and that’s BS. Same with cleaning the bathroom. He’s hoping by doing a lousy job she will just do it herself because he obviously doesn’t care if it’s done right or not, and again, that’s BS! If people pulled that crap at work they’d get fired so why do they think they can pull it at home? With the dinner thing, I would leave him sitting there and go out to dinner myself, somewhere nice, and he can go pound sand. And with the bathroom thing, if it wasn’t cleaned to my standards, I would tell him once, “Hey, you didn’t clean the floor or the shower. If you don’t want to pay Merry Maids, that needs to get done today too.” The OP has stated that she needs more help around the house and her DH KNOWS this but is pushing back. So letting it go or endlessly nagging isn’t going to help her get more help and in fact it will do the opposite. She needs different strategies to help her get her point across.
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Post by ~summer~ on Sept 10, 2019 14:27:18 GMT
I would just take them out and leave them in another basket for him to deal with.or if there is no basket near by just on the floor or on top of the drier.
Eta - Sorry I haven’t read all the responses - with the dinner example I would have called in Thai take out. And I would give up on him and hire a cleaning lady. Or go to counseling to work through it. It seems you are in a hard place at this point.
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Post by mikklynn on Sept 10, 2019 14:28:55 GMT
I would try sitting down with him one more time. Tell him exactly how it makes you feel. Ask him what he thinks is reasonable and get his buy-in.
After that, his clothes don't get washed. He can do it himself. When he doesn't make the dinner he agreed to make, make your own, but not his.
You aren't his mom, so stop doing everything.
You are so amazing. I wish I was near enough to grab dinner with you!
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 10, 2019 14:30:50 GMT
All I know is, I'm feeling very unloved. I am feeling like my husband doesn't give one rip about my mental health. I was going to make a glib comment about giving him a thick ear until I read this. I'm so sad that you're feeling this way, you are the most amazing woman and you deserve to feel loved and cherished and cared for. I don't know what the answer is to this, I have similar issues with my husband, his brain doesn't seem to comprehend that things like cleaning and laundry need doing and it's for both our benefit that they get done. 2Peas would be a very sad place without you, know you are loved here. Thank you. So very kind.
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Deleted
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Oct 6, 2024 7:29:52 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2019 14:37:35 GMT
"honey, I am hungry. I am going to go get dinner for myself. I am sure there is something in the freezer you can make for yourself." And leave.
"Darling, your clothes are ready for you to take care of. You will find them on the floor of the basement. Might want to pick those up before the cat decides to sleep or piss on them." And leave it.
"Dear, you forgot the bathroom floor. I am going to call Merry Maids. I will pay for it out of your play money." And do it.
As for feeling unloved, be frank and direct. "Your lack of help hurts." I struggle with depression. I have weeks where I want nothing to do with anything or anyone. DH will give me peace and quiet now but it took many years of telling him what I needed. It took several years for him to understand that cleaning up after dinner improves my mood and is now part of his chores. Do I wish he would sweep the floor too? Yes. Still working on that.
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Post by Merge on Sept 10, 2019 14:38:58 GMT
So my husband has been a fan of telling me that when I ask him to do something, I need to set a deadline that I want it done by. Otherwise he will assume he can do it at his leisure (read: not do it at all until I get frustrated and do it myself).
We had another conversation on Sunday about the amount of stuff I do around the house vs. what he does (we both work full time), including the emotional labor of having to continually stay on top of him and our kids to make sure they actually do what I asked them to do. This was a new concept for him - that it would cause me stress to have to keep asking and reminding. Anyway, I finally told him that I was done issuing deadlines, and that when I ask him to do something, he should assume that I want it done NOW, or as soon as possible if he is in the middle of something pressing (watching football does not count as pressing in my book).
Last night after dinner he was on his best behavior. Helped me clean up, swept the floor and took out the trash immediately when I asked. Of course, being a man, he has to be canonized for every little thing he does around the house, but this is at least preferable to having to beg and nag him to do anything at all. I'm sure this won't last and I'll have to remind him - part of my frustration is that he apparently doesn't see anything I say as being important enough for him to remember, though he is perfectly capable of retaining enough information from others to be successful at his job.
Perhaps your husband also needs to be educated about NOW. Like when you want something done, it needs to be done NOW, because you are probably waiting on him so that you can continue your own work. And it's not fair of him to add to your burden by requiring you to continually remind him.
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Post by femalebusiness on Sept 10, 2019 14:40:49 GMT
Yes, all good suggestions. But it isn't just laundry. It's every single thing around the house I ask him to do. The other night, he was supposed to make dinner he waited and waited and waited. And finally (at 6:30 pm) I said, gee, I'm hungry, are you cooking anytime soon? And then he was like, if you're hungry, why don't you cook dinner? He's had two meals in the past two weeks to make and he's pushed them off twice. And then two weeks ago, I asked him to clean the bathroom. He cleaned the sink and the toilet. He did not clean the floor or the shower. I let it go, I let it go, I let it go. And then finally I was like, well I guess that the floor will get cleaned next time you clean the bathroom? I feel like I'm being purposely messed with. And I'm ready to f-ing explode about it. The next time he is supposed to cook dinner I would stop and eat my dinner on the way home. If he does cook tell him he rarely cooks when he is supposed to, I was hungry so I stopped and ate already and then don't eat what he made. If he again doesn't cook I wouldn't say a thing and let him go hungry. If you have someone who constantly falls down on the job stop worrying about them take care of yourself.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Sept 10, 2019 14:42:02 GMT
So have the two of you sat down and discussed exactly each of you are responsible for? I'm wondering if there's a bit of a you assigning chores to him dynamic that he's resisting (?) The dinner thing is pretty obnoxious. If there are days he's suppose to be cooking dinner, delaying so that you get hungry enough to do it is a dick move. I would have went and made myself something to eat and frankly he'd be on his own for meals until he made that right. Yes, I have asked for him to clean the bathroom once per week. I have asked for him to cook dinner once per week. I have asked him to be responsible for dishes/loading dishwasher on Wednesday (He's off on Wednesday) and I go out to craft on Wednesday night so I don't eat dinner at home. I asked my kids to take M-Th & T-Fr on dishes/loading dishwasher and I do weekends. My kids do their own laundry and I do ours. I just feel like he's being a big baby. I don't know. All I know is, I'm feeling very unloved. I am feeling like my husband doesn't give one rip about my mental health. I'm sorry - that's not a good place to be. I'd try and get more specific - not once per week, but Thursdays at 6 and bluntly tell him how you feel.
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,378
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Sept 10, 2019 14:52:28 GMT
Great advice has already been given, I will just add that I wouldn’t say I’m going out to eat on his dinner night, I would simply go. I would also let him know that if we’re going to play passive aggressive then I will do nothing for him, laundry, reminding him, or anything else like packing his lunch I might do. Two can play the game so either shape up or enjoy the company because I can play it too. I spent 26 years playing this game, I remember making half a bed once. It was more difficult to make half the bed than it would’ve been to make the entire bed but that wasn’t the point. I also remember putting empty toilet paper rolls under his pillow when he “forgot” to replace the empty roll. Keep in mind I’m single though so there’s that. I hope things get better.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
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Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Sept 10, 2019 15:01:24 GMT
I'd make a list of what you need done/bothers you the most and do those things yourself. Why waste your energy on things like doing his laundry? Let him be responsible for doing it start to finish. Him not making dinner...i'd have a backup plan for when that happens. Have a few things on hand that you (or the kids) can quickly make to feed themselves like frozen pizza or something. If hubby is uncooperative I do my own thing, less stress in it and forces him to do his own thing.
He should know better and be more helpful especially if you're struggling, but since he can't seem to get that right now, do the minimum for a bit to ease your load (and make sure he's forced to pick up things that don't affect you.)
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sharlag
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Posts: 6,580
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Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Sept 10, 2019 15:02:56 GMT
Are there things that you could stop doing that would inconvenience him, but not you? So that you could have time to do the things he WON'T do, that you mentioned?
I TOTALLY second and third the idea that you completely stop doing other people's laundry (including his).
You're already picking up up extra in that department by doing bedding and towels.
It's just frustrating that your/our (because many of us are chiming in) DSOs are hurting us or saying, "Your needs don't matter". So much so, that we have to strategize, remind, and spend /feel so much angst over. These are our life partners, our beloved-- and their actions are not jiving with that sentiment.
When they AGREE to be more equal partners by doing certain things, and then don't do them-- they are liars.
And maybe that's NOT what they are saying, inside their brains. But it's been discussed enough that they have surely received the message of how it lands.
I wonder if we will be the last generation of women with this problem? Surely, this era of women taking care of the household is passing?!
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