I need some advice. I'm tired of nagging.

I validate you, too. Our situation is not quite the same since my husband hasn’t refused to do something I ask, but I have times when I get really frustrated with the (un)cleanliness of the house and the fact that I work full time and also do 99% of the housework and mental work of keeping up with what the house and kids need. Seems that every Sunday night I lose my shit) or want to) because I have been cleaning all weekend and the house is still a mess. Especially now that football season started and everyone else here thinks that they need to watch every game if they are home. It is so frustrating to be working my ass of while they are sitting down all day.

I do some of my work from home and I think dh thinks that if I’m home it is “free time”. All summer long I struggled to get my work done with the kids here. If someone needed a ride, guess who had to take them? If the older two were going to be gone, who had to figure out childcare or rearrange their schedule so that the younger two weren’t home alone? Who made sure there was food for them during the day? And on and on. I don’t think my husband has bad intentions, but I do think he is clueless that all of those things need to be done. Even when I say something, he blows it off like it is no big deal. Because I always end up figuring it out.

Someone else asked if we are the last generation to have to deal with this. I honestly don’t think so. I think we are only the first or second that have attempted to even the playing field when it comes to housework. And we are there yet (obviously). The kids that are growing up in our households aren’t going to magically change. But maybe hearing the conversations and knowing that it is expected will get things moving in the right direction.

jeremysgirl - remember that book i told you to read? 😎

You and your husband need to be in therapy together - especially after your treatment in July. It cannot only be you working on a healthy relationship. He is disrespecting you, and disregarding your situation. It does NOT matter that he can “sometimes” be a good boy. He is also struggling with your mental issues. He would not be pulling this shit if you had cancer or a broken leg or recovering from surgery. I see serious passive aggressive behavior here.

You and he have bigger issues than the laundry. Fix those, and the laundry will fall into place. Ignore all the game-playing advice that some are posting here. HE is trying to TELL you something.

I read a solid 2 pages of this thread.

Number 1, I want to say, I'm sorry you are feeling this way. It sucks. I'm going to say 95% of wives here have probably felt this kind of resentment that starts building up.

Number 2, I have no good advice that hasn't already been said and I would have done the whole passive-aggressive thing because how many times can you ask nicely, and in just the right manner and bald blah blah. It's so ridiculous that husbands, in general, pretend that it's all the women that are causing all this friction...you know...all that nagging.

Number 3, I'm not married anymore so hooray for me! It's so freeing not to have to deal with the husband /wife dynamic that perhaps builds up after time of "mother" doing everything for everyone and then when is looking to take a little off of her plate, is met with what seems like refusal which then could feel like, "what's really wrong with this marriage" if I'm asking for my needs to be met and they just aren't.

I mean, eventually, you have to decide to take the emotion out of this. Or not. If you feel like your husband is being a dick about everything, when you really need his support then you know its really more than just about laundry and dinner. Sometimes, you just need to vent about the bullshit. I get it and I validate you and you matter regardless of whether you can get the man to acknowledge your feelings!

But that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be trying to understand and it seems he is not, that he is caught up in how it is affecting him only. And that’s super important too and needs to be acknowledged. I can’t imagine you’re not though. How do you explain to someone that they should care that you’re hurting?

And if if you don’t feel like cooking, is it okay for you to not do that too? Or anything else that you do on a regular basis that benefits him? 

I’m sorry (((hugs))).

Oh hell no. This makes me so mad for you.  He married the whole of you, not just the healthy, functioning bit of you. 

I don't know what else to suggest because it seems like nothing is going to make any difference for him, so just a whole load of ((hugs)).  Don't let him make you feel bad. You are an amazing woman. 

I honestly think they won't get it until you stop doing it. 

If you have someone come in every week or every other week, it really makes all the daily chores seem a bit smaller because you don't have to worry about the big stuff. Do it just for yourself!!

and if he doesn't care if you clean, then don't do his stuff. Don't do his laundry. He will figure it out. On the days he's supposed to cook but doesn't, just cook for yourself. The others aren't children, they know how to feed themselves. You're right, it's not how a family should work. But it is what it is. Your chore chart is a good idea, but I'm not sure if it will really help the message sink in

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, it really does suck. Couples counselling might not be a bad idea for you guys.

I agree with you that we won’t be the last, because look at how many people have chimed in on this thread alone that they too have a difficult time getting their kids and SO/spouse to pitch in? The only way this dynamic changes is when all the kids of either gender learn from the very start that the household chores are EVERYBODY’S job, not just the mom’s. The other thing that helps with this is when the kids grow up seeing both parents doing their part without nagging or complaining. Then it just becomes how it’s done with everybody doing their part.

The kids will change when it is expected that they help in whatever way they are able. And sadly, I personally know far too many families where the children are simply too precious to be bothered with being tasked to do household chores, and IMO that sets a pretty lousy example and ultimately does the kids no favors in the long run. “Oh, little Johnny is far too busy with sports and band and whatever. I can’t possibly expect him to keep his room clean and do his own laundry too!” Ah, but what’s going to happen when little Johnny isn’t so little anymore and is in his own apartment? Is mommy going to run over every week and do his laundry and cook his meals for him then too? No? Then how is he supposed to LEARN?

When I went back to college at age 24-25, I was in classes with 18-19 year old kids (both male and female) who had never done a load of laundry in their lives before heading off to college. Who had never shopped for groceries or cooked a meal. Never balanced a checking account. Never held a paid job. Those kids were so overwhelmed by “adulting” that they honestly just didn’t know what to do at all, not to mention what to do first. It was mind blowing to me since I wasn’t raised to be entitled like that.

The problem with just letting it all go is that it’s stressing HER out to see the mess, and she’s already stressed out to begin with. He obviously doesn’t care if things are a mess because it doesn’t bother him the same way it bothers her. My DH is the same way. He gets house blind and doesn’t even SEE the dirty dishes on the counter that should be in the dishwasher, or the wadded up Kleenex on the end table or the candy wrapper on the floor and will walk right on past it. I see it, it bugs me, I pick the stuff up. But I’m also here all day (I work from home) so I have to LIVE with the mess if I don’t pick it up. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ But, it doesn’t really bother me too much because he works full time, I work part time and I’m here, so I just figure it’s part of my end of the bargain to handle those things to make our family life function better. I would definitely feel differently if we both worked full time outside of our home. When our kid is home, I do make her pick up after herself if I see that she has walked away from a mess she made.

I agree though that if someone came in and did the big stuff a couple times a month, it would lessen the overall struggle somewhat which might make the daily tasks more doable, and that might be worth the expense. The only issue I’ve heard from people who have gone that route is that someone inside the household still has to pick up all the random clutter before the cleaning people can come do their job, and the task of picking everything up prior to the cleaning crew coming usually ends up falling on the mom. So it only solves the problem halfway, and that also has to be taken into consideration.

I see hiring someone as taking the responsibility off of the others but she is paying the $$ for that and still doing every thing else.

"Should" living is the killer of joy! If hiring someone relieves you even just a little bit then do it. It doesn't have to be permanent but it is worth a try.
We all "should" things in life and it just sucks the joy out of living when we do that. (OP, not fussing at you about it, just pointing it out and I've learned the hard way about "should" living)

Long may that continue 🙂

Visuals like this can be very powerful tools in changing behavior. But after you collect your baseline (your three days or to the end of the month or whatever), you need to have a sit down with your family and go over the findings. Have a game plan of what you want them to do ready, and have a data collection method (like the one your currently using) also ready to go.

Also, household chores suck, and nobody wants to do them. So it is unrealistic to assume that they will have internal motivation to get them done, and “making mom happy” probably also won’t be enough motivation to do them. Have some backup external reinforcers ready to go. Family movie night, kid gets to pick the dinner menu for a night or two, trip to someplace they like (like the fair or something along those lines). Something smallish and fun that you know they will enjoy. Be sure to verbally or physically praise them when you observe them doing a chore (thanks for taking out the trash, this toilet is sparkling clean!, high 5s, hugs, etc). Also praise them for checking off their own completed chores on the chart. Point out how lovely the chart looks when their row is colored in their color. Once you start to see success with it over a few months you can start to phase out the external reinforcers and rely more and more on the social and physical ones.

Oh! Also, in your baseline collection that you’re doing now, don’t forget to mark in when someone else completes a task. You don’t want your data to be biased because they will for sure call you out on it. 😉