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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 10, 2019 18:27:46 GMT
ou clean always clean naked, that makes my husband excited to clean! Thank you for a much needed laugh....hahaha
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maryannscraps
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,791
Aug 28, 2017 12:51:28 GMT
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Post by maryannscraps on Sept 10, 2019 18:34:40 GMT
I’ve been asking myself as of late, “when did I become my husband’s mom?” I’ll put trash by the door. He will walk over it. He hasn’t once, in the last 6 months, cleaned anything in the house (the rest of us have). He says he will do his laundry, but he brings it down and does not start it, so I end up doing it along with all the rest. I decide what everyone eats for 98% of the meals. I make 90% of them. I hate that! I do work from home now, so I’m here but after a long day, I just don’t want to! I’m verbal, I’ll ask for help. Promises are made, most unkept. Drives me nuts! Watching this thread for the $100K answer... I saw this phrase a lot in this thread. It's not help that you need, it's everybody handling their responsibilities. It's everybody's job to keep the household and family going, in whatever roles they fill. The entire family needs to have a come to Jesus moment about what those responsibilities are and not taking advantage of others. I don't ask for help for emptying the dishwasher or doing laundry or scooping the cat boxes. We share those responsibilities -- he recaulked the shower last week, because it needed to be done. And he clears the dishes, and then washes them or puts them into the dishwasher every single night. I thank him for doing that, while he thanks me for putting away the food, wiping down the counters, and sweeping the floor. We do it because we respect each other and realize that running a house is a big job where everyone has to pitch in. We're fortunate that we both have chores that we like to do (or at least don't mind) and those don't intersect that much. The things we both hate, we hire out to get done (mowing the lawn, bathrooms, and floors.)
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Post by pierkiss on Sept 10, 2019 18:45:53 GMT
Take them out, dump them in a basket and let him deal with them. You are not his mother.
I do this with my husband’s clothes. I’m not his mother, and I know he knows how to do laundry (his dad was the head of the global laundry dept for a well known company for over a decade. If any family knows about laundry it’s his! 😄).
He doesn’t say a word. He knows that’s his job and he has to do it. When he used to complain I looked him dead in the eye and told him I wasn’t his mother, and that I was just as busy with my job and career as he was (this was while we were engaged/newly married). That housekeeping was not going to only be my job.
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brandy327
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,353
Jun 26, 2014 16:09:34 GMT
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Post by brandy327 on Sept 10, 2019 19:04:00 GMT
I’ve been asking myself as of late, “when did I become my husband’s mom?” I’ll put trash by the door. He will walk over it. He hasn’t once, in the last 6 months, cleaned anything in the house (the rest of us have). He says he will do his laundry, but he brings it down and does not start it, so I end up doing it along with all the rest. I decide what everyone eats for 98% of the meals. I make 90% of them. I hate that! I do work from home now, so I’m here but after a long day, I just don’t want to! I’m verbal, I’ll ask for help. Promises are made, most unkept. Drives me nuts! Watching this thread for the $100K answer... I saw this phrase a lot in this thread. It's not help that you need, it's everybody handling their responsibilities. It's everybody's job to keep the household and family going, in whatever roles they fill. The entire family needs to have a come to Jesus moment about what those responsibilities are and not taking advantage of others. I don't ask for help for emptying the dishwasher or doing laundry or scooping the cat boxes. We share those responsibilities -- he recaulked the shower last week, because it needed to be done. And he clears the dishes, and then washes them or puts them into the dishwasher every single night. I thank him for doing that, while he thanks me for putting away the food, wiping down the counters, and sweeping the floor. We do it because we respect each other and realize that running a house is a big job where everyone has to pitch in. We're fortunate that we both have chores that we like to do (or at least don't mind) and those don't intersect that much. The things we both hate, we hire out to get done (mowing the lawn, bathrooms, and floors.) I agree with this so much. I'm a SAHM so I assume most of the daily household chores, mostly because I have the time and I don't mind. But everyone that lives under this roof needs to contribute in some way and I do take into account how much "extra" time they have available. During the summers, the kids are expected to do more because they have extra time. During school, I do a lot more, especially now that all 3 are in high school. They're always expected to keep their stuff cleaned up in the common living areas. I don't care that I have time to pick your stuff up. You need to be responsible for your own stuff. I tell them once to pick up ______. 2 of the 3 are excellent about keeping up with their stuff. 1 is incredibly lazy with picking up their stuff. My first line of defense is to pick up the stuff and dump it all right inside the bedroom door. So far, they have gotten the hint and gets better about it. But that cycles. If the behavior doesn't change, I gather up the stuff that's left and it becomes mine. And there's a cost usually additional chores, to get their stuff out of hock. The 3 kids are required to keep their bathroom, which is also guests bathroom, clean and tidy. During the school year, I'll spot clean it daily but they still do trash and counters and sinks. Don't be fooled though. Sometimes I have to have words with them because they forget that I'm mom and not their own personal maids/assistants. I'm grateful that my dh will do any chore than needs to be done. He works long hours during the week so I rarely ask him to do much until the weekend. Mostly because I'd be irritated constantly if I had to wait for him to do something(he leaves by 5:30am and often isn't home until 8pm or later). Weekends we work together to do whatever need to be done. I wish I had some good advice. I think the advice I agree with most is to tell dh how it makes you feel when he doesn't follow through with what he says. If his actions don't change accordingly, then something big would have to give. Hang in there, friend. <3
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Post by Miss Ang on Sept 10, 2019 19:12:48 GMT
So on Saturday I did all the clothing/towel laundry. My very last load was DH work clothes. I washed them and dried them and then around 4:00 Saturday afternoon I said to him, your work clothes should be done, will you go downstairs and get them out of the dryer. He nodded and I assumed he would. Sunday morning I woke up and went to wash our bedding. I had my basket loaded with dirty bedding. I put a load in the washing machine and I saw his clothes were still in the dryer. I came upstairs and said your clothes are still in the dryer. He said, I'll get them. Then I went downstairs an hour later to switch my laundry and his clothes were still in the dryer. At this point I'm about ready to lose my shit. I come upstairs and I say, your clothes are still in the dryer and I need the dryer to dry the sheets. He says, I'll get them. And then a half hour proceeds to go by before he actually gets them out of the dryer and I can put the sheets in the dryer. I'm fuming. Normal me would have just brought the clothes up and folded them myself. But I've been trying for months now to get others to help me out around the house. And it's not going well. And it's really bothering me because I am having some issues with my mental health. Everyone knows this and I have made my needs very clear. On top of this Sunday I was having a really bad mixed episode. He knew from the time I woke up I wasn't feeling well and that it was taking every ounce of energy I had to hold myself together. I am just at the point where I don't know what more I can do. I've been trying to push back but my DH has this very dumb act going on. My DS has autism and lacks some social graces. But if I ask him to do something and he isn't going to do it, he will say, no I'm not doing that. It feels like a smack but at least I can readjust my expectations. I have even asked DH to say no to me when it isn't going to happen. I figured if he had to upfront be a dick to me then maybe it would highlight better for him that he was in fact being a dick. But he refuses to do that. So I'm left with thinking he's going to do something and then it never getting done. I need a new strategy. My advice is to just put them off to the side and leave them. Think of it this way: you're expecting him to do something (which is fair, because he said he would) but you're expecting him to do something on YOUR timeline. It's obviously not an important task to him and your urgency to have it done does not mean it's going to suddenly become urgent for him. I think your expectations of his time are a little bit unreasonable. Not that he shouldn't put his things away, but why does he have to do so when it's a good time for you?
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 10, 2019 19:19:07 GMT
I think your expectations of his time are a little bit unreasonable. Not that he shouldn't put his things away, but why does he have to do so when it's a good time for you? This surprises me. I told him 4:00 Saturday his clothes were done. I didn't use the washing machine again until 11 am Sunday. He didn't go anywhere and was in the house watching TV and sleeping the entire time. I thought 19 hours was plenty of time. And then the extra hour between when I put the load in the washing machine and went to put it in the dryer and reminded him again. So in total, he had 20 hours to take his clothes out of the dryer. I guess I just don't understand where I went wrong on the timing issue. ETA: I'm willing to take my lumps on how I handled the whole thing. I'm frustrated and we don't always behave the best when we are. I just didn't see this as a potential issue.
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likescarrots
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,879
Aug 16, 2014 17:52:53 GMT
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Post by likescarrots on Sept 10, 2019 19:31:06 GMT
I wonder if there is a breakdown in communication? You say: will you get your clothes from the dryer. But you mean: will you get up and get your clothes from the dryer, right now. You say: Will you cook dinner? What you mean is: I would like you have to dinner ready by 6:00. You say: will you clean the bathroom? But you mean: will you clean the toilet, sinks, floor and whatever else. I am NOT saying this is your fault. I think you could be assuming he is thinking like you do, and will do things the way you do. I just think it could help to be more specific in your requests. I think sitting him down, telling him how unloved you feel, will help him understand. From what you've shared, Jeremy is a good guy. He loves you. So maybe telling him how you feel and ask if we can line out some expectations about whats he's going to do to help. Be specific with what he needs to do to help. I mean he's not a child and women need to stop taking on the labor of training their husbands to do what adults are supposed to do. If I were you, I would stop doing anything for him until he realizes how much work you already do for him and how little you all him to do in return. It's going to be hard to do and you and the rest of your family are going to suffer a bit for it. But it has to be done, not out of spite, just in a way that indicates you are his partner, not his unpaid housekeeper or his mother.
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Post by FuzzyMutt on Sept 10, 2019 19:41:13 GMT
Yes, on the subject of the clothes in the dryer, just take them out and put your stuff in. Leave his down there wherever you've put them. If you haven't mentioned it once already (once is enough) then when you get back upstairs you could just say "hey, I moved your clothes from the dryer to the basket/bin/whatever". Done. Say nothing else and go about your business. If he wants it all upstairs then he'll bring it up. If he doesn't care then he'll go down there every day to find what he wants to wear. I ended up doing this with my ds. Turns out he didn't care if he had to walk downstairs every day. Sometimes he'd end up bring stuff upstairs, sometimes not. And sometimes when he did bring it up it didn't get put away. But I decided not to care since he did his own laundry anyway... it was on him what he wanted to do with it. Hahaha my son is the same way!! My dryer broke, and I prefer doing the laundry, so I was was washing at home, lugging the wet clothes from the basement, to my car to laundromat, to dryer there, then folding them. One basket for me, one for him, one for towels. I asked him to carry the towels and his clothes (I could only carry one, so I grabbed the towels first) into the house. He didn't. My next trip somewhere, I carried mine in. I reminded him his were still in the car. He didn't get them. I went to work a day or two later, and apparently that's the moment he ran out of underwear. He called in a panic... MOM! Where's my laundry!? I said.. In my car, at work, with me. He was annoyed. I got home that night. He STILL didn't go get his clothes!! For like 3 days he was going down to my car to get his clothes before I left in the morning!? WHAT? ? Finally I took the basket out of my backseat and let it just sit in the driveway (where his friends pick him up.) It was upstairs in about 21 seconds. Sheesh. When I do laundry at home, I leave his clothes folded in the basket sometimes in the basement, and he will often pick for days before bringing the basket up. I did notice that leaving a second empty basket down there results in his sleep clothes going in there. He goes to the basement, changes into clean clothes and leaves the dirty ones in the basket. I wouldn't have expected the driveway basket though. It's so weird.
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Post by mymindseyedpea on Sept 10, 2019 19:56:36 GMT
One of my biggest pet peeves is when I find clothes in the dryer when I’m ready to put a wash load in. But I leave my clothes in the dryer too sometimes, usually from forgetfulness. Boyfriends way when it happens to him is to take the clothes out and put them on top of the dryer, or if he’s in a middle he will take the pile of clothes and put them on the couch.
Whenever we change things up (like you changing how you aren’t doing all the laundry duties) there will be an unsettling energy for others because any change will shake things up. And when people are used to something, have gotten accustomed to it, the shake up will be felt the most for them and will mostly need time to readjust. My advice is to just keep on this new path and be persistent.
I like to leave reminders. If dd doesn’t rinse out her dish right away, the food will get stuck on and make it harder to rinse the longer she waits. If your dh doesn’t get his clothes out in time, he’ll lose out on getting his clothes washed and dried next time and the only way to get his work clothes ready is if he does it himself. Maybe even make a deal that if he does wash and dry his work clothes, you’ll put them away from him or at least take them out of the dryer and throw them on the bed 😉
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likescarrots
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,879
Aug 16, 2014 17:52:53 GMT
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Post by likescarrots on Sept 10, 2019 20:01:31 GMT
I hate to assume people's motives. So many of you are saying that he/DH is waiting for HER to do the work. I tend to think that's OUR projecting our frustration onto the situation. The trouble is-- HIS neglect or forgetfulness or CONNIVING (if you think this is truly the case) turns US into passive aggressive retaliation or manipulation. Which is what we are accusing THEM (the men) of. he literally told her that she should cook dinner because she was hungry?? I don't think there is much assuming going on here.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 10, 2019 20:12:51 GMT
I mean he's not a child and women need to stop taking on the labor of training their husbands to do what adults are supposed to do. Thank the Lord that someone finally said it. Because I've finally come to this conclusion. I am not a bitch. I hate to nag. I am in no way, shape or form a perfectionist so my expectations are not unreasonable. And as this day goes on, I just keep getting more and more pissed. (Part of that was fueled by my son who thinks I ought to quit my job, stay home and take care of things because that's what he expects his wife will do. I had to respond that I didn't realize my vagina came with a mop). But I digress... I am not his relationship tour guide.
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smcast
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,475
Location: MN
Mar 18, 2016 14:06:38 GMT
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Post by smcast on Sept 10, 2019 20:19:38 GMT
I totally get you. It is beyond frustrating! My dh is the same. Says he'll do something but never does. He is a total mess and just doesn't bother him. I'm the opposite. We have two homes but currently live in one and it is not working for me. Drives me nuts! I for see him advancing at work and moving back to cities to live in his house and we go back to weekends together. Might work better. We are just different in that aspect. I knew it when we met ten years ago on our first date. I opened his vehicle door and he had to clear off junk for me to hop in. Couldn't even bother to clean out the vehicle for our first date. Huge red flag to me. He is a good person and our major things line up but the cleanliness and timeline of completing tasks do not line up and never will. Our brains are wired differently and no amount of talking or ways of bringing things up will change it. I knew it and thought it wouldn't bother me as much as it does but it is exhausting! I work full time (shift work), juggle my dd's schedule without much help from my xdh, and keep up a household. I do it but it definitely causes resentment and has affected our relationship. Just the small things like taking out the garbage when it's full. Shouldn't have to tell someone every little thing to do. But when a person does, you get criticize for micromanaging them. I get it. It is a no win situation.
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Post by jemmls4 on Sept 10, 2019 20:24:05 GMT
I’d drop them on the floor by the dryer.
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Post by flanz on Sept 10, 2019 20:26:11 GMT
I was going to make a glib comment about giving him a thick ear until I read this. I'm so sad that you're feeling this way, you are the most amazing woman and you deserve to feel loved and cherished and cared for. I don't know what the answer is to this, I have similar issues with my husband, his brain doesn't seem to comprehend that things like cleaning and laundry need doing and it's for both our benefit that they get done. 2Peas would be a very sad place without you, know you are loved here. Thank you. So very kind. ABSOLUTELY! YOU ARE LOVED!!!
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CeeScraps
Pearl Clutcher
~~occupied entertaining my brain~~
Posts: 3,894
Jun 26, 2014 12:56:40 GMT
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Post by CeeScraps on Sept 10, 2019 20:46:35 GMT
I ran into this with our daughter today. I lost it. I was the only one home. She was home all day yesterday and did her laundry last night. Which is why the dryer was full of her clothes.
I had told her earlier that any of her clothing out was becoming mine. I'm adding to that. I'm telling her tonight after she gets home from work. Any clothing left out in her bedroom, bathroom, basement, or in the washer/dryer is mine. ALL OF IT!
I'm done! She easily could of taken it our of the dryer. She had it crammed with clothing. I just tossed it in her laundry basket. I'm not even taking the laundry basket out of the laundry room. She can haul it upstairs.
She needs to respect the space. She is not the only one living here.
Your hubby can also complete his wash and put it away. A thought I have...could you do laundry on a different day? Could he do it on a different day? That should easily give him enough time to get it out of the dryer.
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Post by thundergal on Sept 10, 2019 21:08:01 GMT
I mean he's not a child and women need to stop taking on the labor of training their husbands to do what adults are supposed to do. Thank the Lord that someone finally said it. Because I've finally come to this conclusion. I am not a bitch. I hate to nag. I am in no way, shape or form a perfectionist so my expectations are not unreasonable. And as this day goes on, I just keep getting more and more pissed. (Part of that was fueled by my son who thinks I ought to quit my job, stay home and take care of things because that's what he expects his wife will do. I had to respond that I didn't realize my vagina came with a mop). But I digress... I am not his relationship tour guide. Even in the midst of a struggle, you manage to find the funny...this post made me laugh. I want to gently add to the discussion the impact that these husband/wife dilemmas have on kids and their views on how relationships are supposed to look. I feel like your husbands behavior is disrespectful. And I'll leave it at that. Except to also say that I completely disagree with the poster above who said you are being unreasonable. Like...180 DEGREES disagree.
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sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,580
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Sept 10, 2019 21:08:09 GMT
I hate to assume people's motives. So many of you are saying that he/DH is waiting for HER to do the work. I tend to think that's OUR projecting our frustration onto the situation. The trouble is-- HIS neglect or forgetfulness or CONNIVING (if you think this is truly the case) turns US into passive aggressive retaliation or manipulation. Which is what we are accusing THEM (the men) of. he literally told her that she should cook dinner because she was hungry?? I don't think there is much assuming going on here. Good point!! I do mean, in general though, I don’t like to Assume motive.
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Mystie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,300
Jun 25, 2014 19:53:37 GMT
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Post by Mystie on Sept 10, 2019 21:09:41 GMT
(((((Hugs)))) and prayers jeremysgirlI don't have much advise - I struggle with the same things with DH and my DD and I often end up just doing the thing while resenting every minute of it or it just doesn't get done which I also resent (looks at the lawn that hasn't been moved in a month since DS was home and mowed it and it hadn't been mowed in a month + before that). Letting it go is better for my mental health but it's SO hard to do esp. since clutter and disorder are also not good for my mental health. Your last sentence really resonated with me...I get so frustrated and angry with the way my husband puts off (or blows off) chores and general tidiness. I try to let it go because I hate to nag, but the anger (and the clutter/mess) aren't good for my anxiety, either. Sounds like a lot of us are dealing with varying degrees of the same problem. And it's hard not to internalize what feels like indifference and neglect on their part.
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Post by mom on Sept 10, 2019 21:23:19 GMT
I wonder if there is a breakdown in communication? You say: will you get your clothes from the dryer. But you mean: will you get up and get your clothes from the dryer, right now. You say: Will you cook dinner? What you mean is: I would like you have to dinner ready by 6:00. You say: will you clean the bathroom? But you mean: will you clean the toilet, sinks, floor and whatever else. I am NOT saying this is your fault. I think you could be assuming he is thinking like you do, and will do things the way you do. I just think it could help to be more specific in your requests. I think sitting him down, telling him how unloved you feel, will help him understand. From what you've shared, Jeremy is a good guy. He loves you. So maybe telling him how you feel and ask if we can line out some expectations about whats he's going to do to help. Be specific with what he needs to do to help. I mean he's not a child and women need to stop taking on the labor of training their husbands to do what adults are supposed to do. If I were you, I would stop doing anything for him until he realizes how much work you already do for him and how little you all him to do in return. It's going to be hard to do and you and the rest of your family are going to suffer a bit for it. But it has to be done, not out of spite, just in a way that indicates you are his partner, not his unpaid housekeeper or his mother. You're right. He isn't a child. But he isn't a mind reader either. In my household, what I call clean is very different than what my husband calls clean. If I want it done my way, then I need to be specific. Perhaps you don't want to train your husband and just rely on what his mother taught him. *I* refuse to live with the standard she taught him, so I tell him exactly what I expect.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 10, 2019 22:55:27 GMT
I mean he's not a child and women need to stop taking on the labor of training their husbands to do what adults are supposed to do. If I were you, I would stop doing anything for him until he realizes how much work you already do for him and how little you all him to do in return. It's going to be hard to do and you and the rest of your family are going to suffer a bit for it. But it has to be done, not out of spite, just in a way that indicates you are his partner, not his unpaid housekeeper or his mother. You're right. He isn't a child. But he isn't a mind reader either. In my household, what I call clean is very different than what my husband calls clean. If I want it done my way, then I need to be specific. Perhaps you don't want to train your husband and just rely on what his mother taught him. *I* refuse to live with the standard she taught him, so I tell him exactly what I expect. Let me say when my husband cleans the bathroom at times he does a better job than me. He can reach places in the shower a shortie like me can't. I take no issue with the quality of his work. When he does something, he does it right. It's just hard to get him going and to get him to carry things across the finish line.
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Post by dewryce on Sept 10, 2019 23:54:25 GMT
I mean he's not a child and women need to stop taking on the labor of training their husbands to do what adults are supposed to do. If I were you, I would stop doing anything for him until he realizes how much work you already do for him and how little you all him to do in return. It's going to be hard to do and you and the rest of your family are going to suffer a bit for it. But it has to be done, not out of spite, just in a way that indicates you are his partner, not his unpaid housekeeper or his mother. You're right. He isn't a child. But he isn't a mind reader either. In my household, what I call clean is very different than what my husband calls clean. If I want it done my way, then I need to be specific. Perhaps you don't want to train your husband and just rely on what his mother taught him. *I* refuse to live with the standard she taught him, so I tell him exactly what I expect. Why does he have to be a mind reader to understand that his laundry in the dryer is in the way of other people doing their laundry? He’s a grown, intelligent man and can figure it out, he just doesn’t care enough to think about it. And if he is not even attempting to clean a major portion of the room, the tub in this case, it is not a different version of clean...it’s just not clean period. I do understand what you’re saying about different expectations, but sometimes that’s just an excuse for why people don’t do things. Chances are, if she tried to clean something important to him, say his car, and didn’t vacuum he’d notice. And it sound like an ongoing issue, even if he didn’t get it at first he should by now. He’s just not making it a priority.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 11, 2019 0:15:07 GMT
Exactly dewryce. This is not an issue of not meeting expectations. He does a good job. I don't take issue with that. And honestly I couldn't care less what he does with his clothes. He can leave them lying around for days wrinkling if he wishes. I just want his help.
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Post by kelbel827 on Sept 11, 2019 0:40:40 GMT
I wouldn't have done his laundry to begin with. You have stated you want help. He's a grown man. He can do his own laundry. If he doesn't do it, then he doesn't get clean work clothes. He needs to grow up and you need to stop enabling him, for your own health.
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Post by nlwilkins on Sept 11, 2019 2:11:30 GMT
I am trying to think back and remember when all this changed for me. At one time I was a SAHM and did it all - with help from my daughters. Hubby did the outside work, the cars and took out the trash. If he forgot, it did not get done. Once the girls were gone and I was working, I still did it all. Then when I started graduate school and worked full time. Sometimes nothing got done and I just ignored it. One night I came home from a late class and husband was in the kitchen washing dishes that had been piling up for days. He was slow and laborious but was doing it. It was the first time in our marriage that he had washed even one dish. (We had been married about 20 years by then.) Things did not change much but he did pitch in now and then and helped out. Oh, and I want to say he always appreciated what I did. If he came home to a freshly cleaned, sparkling house he would comment. Most days he always thanked me for the meals I cooked and so on.
Fast forward to retirement - I because ill, had seven surgeries in one 12 month span and he had to step up to the plate. There were times when if he did not do it, then it did not get done. Was I satisfied with the way he did things? no, but I did not say a word and instead thanked him for doing it. For a while he took over everything while I had to sit in my reclined and watch. It was hard, very hard to see him do all the work.
Now that I have my health back, mostly we clean the house together. OR he will surprise me and it while I am gone out. I make sure he knows when my friends are coming over so he knows that I will be cleaning house the day before or the morning of their visit. He PLANS on it and that is so helpful.
So what I am saying, training a husband takes time. Sure we should not have to train them, but while it is a new age where wives should not have to do it all, we have to face reality. Men need training when it comes to helping around the house. Sometimes it takes a long time, but don't give up. My husband is 77 years old and it only was the past ten or fifteen years that he has taken on his share of the load.
Do what is necessary to impress upon him how important it is. Too tired to be fun in the evenings? make sure he knows why you are tired. Feeling unloved and disrespected? Make sure he knows how that affects your relationship. He wants you two to go do something fun, make sure such and such need to be done first.
Oh and some men I discovered just don't notice when the house is not clean, or clothes are piled up or the bathroom is not scrubbed. You need to figure out what matters to him as far as chores around the house. If it is meals every night, or perhaps beds made, trash taken out, or whatever. Those things would be what would suffer first when I did not get help around the house.
Above all, don't take it personally. He does not realize just how much it is affecting you. Sure you have told him, telling him will not work, you have to show him over and over.
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Post by quinlove on Sept 11, 2019 2:47:28 GMT
((( jg ))) I sincerely hope that you feel empowered by your friends here. We all love you so much. You are a very intelligent woman and will handle the laundry and cooking issues the best way that you see fit. ❤️
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Post by Legacy Girl on Sept 12, 2019 4:50:10 GMT
Above all, don't take it personally. He does not realize just how much it is affecting you. Totally agree. IMHO, this comes down to a love language issue. Clearly, at least one of your love languages is acts of service. When he helps out around the house, you feel loved. When he doesn't, you don't. But unless acts of service are also his love language, it may never occur to him that you equate his completion of household chores with feeling loved. There are a couple of ways to handle it. First, you could try to explain your love language to him and hope that the light comes on. But if not, you may just have to recognize how he DOES show he loves you (most likely in HIS love language). And even though it's not ideal, when you think to yourself, "He didn't do the chores, so maybe he doesn't love me," switch it around and say, "I wish he had done the chores, but I need to remember that he shows his love for me in other ways (gifts, quality time, physical touch, etc.)." At least then you will have separated the issue of chores=love. And hopefully, that will keep you from wrestling with feeling unloved, which seems to be a complicating factor in this whole situation. P.S., believe me, I get it. I'm an acts of service girl myself, and DH knows this better after 24 years of marriage, but it's still a struggle to get him to act on it sometimes.
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Deleted
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Oct 6, 2024 9:24:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2019 5:31:35 GMT
DH and the kids' clothes get taken out of the dryer and put on their bed. I do shake out and lay flat all of the hanging items but I don't sort or fold anything else. They have to do that and they have to hang their clothes. No one goes to bed until their clothes are put away. The one time that one of the kids tried to shove them over to the other side of the bed, he got a rude awakening when I woke him up when I went to do my last check of the night and made him put the clothes away. It's a little bit more work for me to carry them to the bed and lay out the clothes to be hung up, but it is a lot less work than hanging them up and folding them all myself.
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Post by candleangie on Sept 12, 2019 6:24:52 GMT
I’m really sorry you’re feeling uncared for. 🙁 I’ve totally been in that place.
We used to have assigned days for various chores, too. Without exception it ended with me completely frustrated.
I have three college age kids in my house....19, 20 & 21....plus myself and DH. Being the “house manager” was making me miserable.
For what it’s worth, we’ve mostly reached a better place on this....
We had a family meeting, and made a list together...what should be done and how often. Then everyone picked things they are willing to own complete responsibility for. That means that if they can’t do it because work is crazy, or they’re going out of town...they are expected to make arrangements with someone to get them done. We all agree that if I have to remind them, they stop what they’re doing and deal with it ASAP. If it goes a week past the need to do it, I will do it for $30/job. (An amount they assigned)
I learned several things in the process.
We don’t always agree on how often some things should be done, and it’s not always me that wants things done more often.
If “Susie” has bathrooms this week, but “bill” has them next...Susie is far more likely to shirk and leave them for bill. When someone has sole responsibility for a task, they tend not to leave it because no one is coming along to do it for them tomorrow. If it piles up, it’s their problem.
Everyone does better with some choice in the process. No adult appreciates being “assigned” chores. That automatically sets you up in a mom/kid power battle scenario, no matter who you’re dealing with.
The only every-day-no-matter-what chore is dishes. The policy is that there should never be a dish left on the counter unless the dishwasher is actively running. Rinse your dish and put it in the dishwasher. If it’s full of clean things, empty it....then rinse your dish and put it in the dishwasher. For some reason, this distinction really got through to everyone way better than a simple rinse your dish rule. ( No clue why....lol)
It takes consistently reminding them for a while. It takes time to form a new habit, so the expectation has to be fair......but I do expect them to stop what they’re doing and deal with the task they forgot right away.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 12, 2019 10:40:37 GMT
Legacy Girl my love language is not acts of service. I work full time. He works full time. DD works full time. DS is actively looking for a job. These are things that must get done. And I am having a tough time mentally right now. I am trying to keep up and struggling and I need help. This is no different than if I had a broken foot and couldn't do everything like normal. I'm tired of giving people a pass. If they don't help, I have no choice but to do it all myself. And that's why I don't feel loved. Because nobody is recognizing that I am having a struggle right now. I took two and a half weeks off work to do a partial hospitalization program. I've gone back to work in mid July. Since then I've had to take two days off because I simply couldn't work. Some days I have a real struggle making it all day and by the time I get home, I'm wrecked. It doesn't matter what ones love language is, that's appalling. It's disappointing. And would make anyone not feel loved. I'm tired of giving everyone a pass. No one gives me a pass. Dinner just shows up and kitchen gets magically cleaned. I'm doing all that despite the fact that I feel like garbage. On days when I feel good, I try to take full advantage and get as much done as I possibly can. My children have bipolar as well so they have some bad days too so I make concessions there. But he's healthy. And I'm only asking for help, not for anyone else to shoulder the entire load. And I don't think it's unloving or unfair in any way to expect that.
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Post by account_disabled on Sept 12, 2019 11:10:50 GMT
Take them out and put them in the basket for him to fold. When he needs clean clothes, he will figure it out.
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