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Post by candleangie on Mar 27, 2020 16:51:33 GMT
I’m sorry. It must feel like all the air has been sucked from the room right now.
You’ve been given some really great practical advice. Just..... Every single thing you feel over this is correct and valid. There’s no playbook that says “day 3....you have to stop being hurt today and only be pissed off” ((((Hugs))))
We’ll all sit with you. Take a BIG breath. There IS air in the room. You’re going to be okay.
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peasquared
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,458
Jul 6, 2014 23:59:59 GMT
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Post by peasquared on Mar 27, 2020 16:52:27 GMT
I am so very sorry TankTop. You have received a lot of great advice here. You've been blind sighted. Take a shower and cry your eyes out, then get to work on your new job, copying and doing the steps you've been advised. Let that take over your emotions, if you can. We are here for you 24 hours a day and are all Team Tanktop! I promise you, someday you'll look back on this and be amazed at your strength. You'll also be happier than you thought possible. Just please look out for number 1 (yourself and your kids). Huge hugs!!
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Post by pelirroja on Mar 27, 2020 17:01:57 GMT
Lawyer up today: call a lawyer and get a call back since they are considered essential there should be somebody you can talk to. And that list of four people you can count on. . . don't say a word to anybody about what you are doing because if they are wives of soon to be xdh's friends, word will travel. He hit you with this suddenly so you will need to do what you can to hit him back suddenly, no heads up and no discussing this with anyone but your lawyer. Give him no heads up. Zero. (You'll thank me later even though this advice sounds harsh and lonely right now). Read and re-read gryro's gryroagain wise words as many times as you need to: she is the telling you the truth that sooner or later he will be remorseful and you must ignore his pleas to the best of your ability. I am so sorry this happened. It gets better but it takes awhile before you will be able to see it. His timing sucks but it is what it is. He's just proving what he is really made of and if he's already got an apartment lined up, he's been planning this for a long time. Sorry. ((hugs))
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Mar 27, 2020 17:06:28 GMT
Lawyer up, today. Immediately. It’s awful, and you are going to fall apart. It’s normal and expected. You will lose 20 pounds. You feel like you are dying. This is all perfectly normal- there is nothing wrong with you, you are not “being dramatic”. It just is inevitable. He is going to come back with a truck load of bullshit and your job is to 100 percent shut that down. Do not engage. Do not listen to him. Do not even talk to him past vital kid or finance related things. Nothing. Nothing. He is not your friend, he never will be because girl- you don't have friends like that. Everything goes thru a lawyer. No emotional conversations period. He made this bed and you let him fucking lie in it. I’m so sorry. I’ve been there. Trust me- do not listen to a damn thing he says. If you are done or not- does not matter. He is untrustworthy right now and you need to leave him. Hey he gets his shit together, you can remarry. He won’t, because those losers never do, but it’s possible. He is counting on you folding so DO NOT. They get really shocked and scared when you don’t, I know this. They say crazy things and they beg you to ho or the years of marraige and blah blah blah- seriously fuck all that noise. Ignore everything he says. Get the most bulldog lawyer you can and go for everything. This 1,000,000 times!
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Post by mom2rjcr on Mar 27, 2020 17:09:11 GMT
I'm so sorry!
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Post by smalltowngirlie on Mar 27, 2020 17:10:59 GMT
All I can think about is how horrible it would have been being quarantined with him. He would have made it hell for everyone. This whole situation sucks.
Hugs
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Mar 27, 2020 17:11:49 GMT
All I can think about is how horrible it would have been being quarantined with him. He would have made it hell for everyone. This whole situation sucks. Hugs YES!!!!
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stittsygirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,580
Location: In the leaves and rain.
Jun 25, 2014 19:57:33 GMT
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Post by stittsygirl on Mar 27, 2020 17:14:27 GMT
I’m so sorry, this is supremely not fair and he’s an asshole of the highest degree. You’ve got friends here, several (unfortunately) with lots of expertise on this subject. Big hugs .
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Post by cmpeter on Mar 27, 2020 17:26:49 GMT
What a complete and utter ass he is. I know it’s hard and it will mostly likely get harder, but you are worth so much more and deserve someone much better. Hugs Tank.
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Post by snowsilver on Mar 27, 2020 17:27:01 GMT
What a hard thing to have happen at this moment. When I first read your comment, I thought as another Pea said, that maybe it was just the stress of the situation we are all going through. But later posts make it sound as though it may be more than that.
I don't want to judge him. I don't know him and what his fears may be at the moment. We, here, don't need to deal with him. Our only concern is YOU. I don't know whether you are close to God or if you are religious. I have found that He is my greatest comfort in times of darkness. And as another Pea said, if you are a church-goer you can turn there for support as well.
I started praying for you shortly after reading this. It is very true---this too shall pass. You WILL come out on the other side.
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marianne
Pearl Clutcher
Not my circus, not my monkeys. . . My monkeys fly!
Posts: 4,176
Location: right smack dab in the middle of SC
Site Supporter
Jun 25, 2014 21:08:26 GMT
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Post by marianne on Mar 27, 2020 17:27:30 GMT
Well, he's certainly shown you who he is... believe him, hon, and move on. Do what you need to do for you and your kids. You've gotten excellent advice here, just remember... one day at a time. Breathe. Take care of you. I'm so very sorry you're in this position; it will get better, I promise. Breathe. Take things one step at a time. (((hugs)))
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Peal
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,524
Jun 25, 2014 22:45:40 GMT
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Post by Peal on Mar 27, 2020 17:29:09 GMT
I'm so sorry. I don't have any advice to offer, but I am so sorry, for you and your kids.
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Post by lurker on Mar 27, 2020 17:34:02 GMT
What a dick! OK, that's not really helpful but that was my first thought when I read your post. Listen to the wise women here. You WILL get through this.
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Post by LisaDV on Mar 27, 2020 17:42:06 GMT
First, I'm so sorry! Hugs, prayers, lots of positive vibes being sent your way right now. Second, you got this. You are strong.
Third, the peas really do know how to do all things. I'm amazed at the awesome advice.
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huskergal
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,002
Jun 25, 2014 20:22:13 GMT
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Post by huskergal on Mar 27, 2020 17:43:06 GMT
Oh my goodness! I am so sorry!
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tuesdaysgone
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,832
Jun 26, 2014 18:26:03 GMT
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Post by tuesdaysgone on Mar 27, 2020 17:56:47 GMT
Thinking of you and your kids. You have an awesome resource right here: caring friends and good advice.
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Post by stormycat on Mar 27, 2020 18:22:06 GMT
I’m so very sorry. I wish I had more to offer than that.
The peas will also be here for you, you go this.
For me when I’m upset or angry, I allow myself 24 hrs to be mad, then after that I fight and do what I have to do. Otherwise I would feel that way a long time. So be mad, sad and every other emotion today. Then go and fight this fight, here along with your FRIENDS!
Heather
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Post by Jen in NCal on Mar 27, 2020 18:25:05 GMT
I have 4 female friends. Two are my husband’s friends wives. One is more of an acquaintance. One is working the front lines of covid-19 right now. When the ex and I split, I had 3 female friends, all of them wives of ex's friends. Friends he had had for over 30 years. It was really tough at first because I didn't want to put the friends in a hard place. I never wanted them to feel torn. When I finally reached out, they were there for me. Especially one of them. Don't count them out just yet. And like has been said over and over in the past 6 pages, you have us. One of the things that always made me mad was when Ex would say that friends I had only talked to online and never face to face weren't really friends. Think of all the things we have all been through together here. Some of my not-really-friends-because-they-are-only-online friends know more about me than anyone else in my life. And I know more about them. We are here. Use us.
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leeny
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,637
Location: Northern California
Site Supporter
Jun 27, 2014 1:55:53 GMT
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Post by leeny on Mar 27, 2020 18:27:38 GMT
I don't have any advice except to count on the peas, take their advice and continue to reach out. They will come through!
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TankTop
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1,871
Posts: 4,779
Location: On the couch...
Jun 28, 2014 1:52:46 GMT
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Post by TankTop on Mar 27, 2020 18:31:58 GMT
I can’t begin to tell you how much I appreciate you all today. I am lost. I am broken.
However, your words are healing. I know I deserve better. I know this is an all time low for him. I know this says so much about him and who he is.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Mar 27, 2020 18:35:20 GMT
Well he's really shown what an ASSHOLE he is hasn't he? He may have a headstart, but you have thousands of peas behind you. He's fucked.
Listen to these people. No. Really, so many have been through what you're going through and can help guide you. He thinks you're an idiot, he thinks you're a doormat. I guarantee the "apartment" he's getting has a girlfriend in it.
First thing I'd do is call his brother and tell him he was trying to bang his wife in the pool. Then I'd have a calm conversation with the kids about how things are not going to work out. Then I'd go get tested for STD's.
Drop the fucking hammer on this douchebag. This is the best thing that ever happened to you. You'll be a new person. He did you a favor!!
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TankTop
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1,871
Posts: 4,779
Location: On the couch...
Jun 28, 2014 1:52:46 GMT
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Post by TankTop on Mar 27, 2020 18:55:08 GMT
Just a few clarifications... I was STD tested in November. So was he. It was a condition of staying in the home.
I confronted Sil privately before Thanksgiving. She then went and played damage control with his entire family. She twisted the information, garnered sympathy, and somehow set herself up as the victim.
She wasn’t counting on me having pictures. Which, at the time, my spouse shared with his parents and brother. Even though she was exposed as a liar she has still “won.” My family of 4 has been excluded because she is uncomfortable around us.
Husband is now on his 4th counselor since this started. 1st one he didn’t like. 2nd one was a marriage counselor who wanted to see us both. My counselor advised against it until he did some personal work. He gave her half truths. I met with her once with him and she saw right through him, but she could not help him do his personal work. 3rd counselor he went two 3 times. She wanted to do couples counseling. 4th counselor he has seen 2 times. She refuses couples counseling until she has worked with him for 6 months minimum. I appreciate that.
After this took place I started individual counseling. She worked with me for a bit and sent me to a ptsd specialist. I was diagnosed with c-ptsd. I have a childhood background that has really been stirred by all of this. She has advised me to not participate in marriage counseling as well. Not until he realizes what he has done and takes accountability for that.
I am petrified of the unknown. I am scared for what my children will go through. I am scared to be alone. I know this will require a move. My child and I can’t maintain this home. My other child is in college living in her own apartment.
He truly believes he has done what he needs to do. He believes I am choosing to be hurt. That this was almost 6 months ago and I need to move on. He says that was the past.
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purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,734
Jun 27, 2014 20:37:34 GMT
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Post by purplebee on Mar 27, 2020 19:00:03 GMT
Lots of good advice on this thread. Sending hugs your way....
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Post by ceepea on Mar 27, 2020 19:11:15 GMT
Holy shit, I am so very sorry to hear this. I will keep you guys in my prayers.
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Gravity
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,229
Member is Online
Jun 27, 2014 0:29:55 GMT
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Post by Gravity on Mar 27, 2020 19:18:06 GMT
I am so sorry. We are here for you day and night.
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Post by freecharlie on Mar 27, 2020 19:22:01 GMT
He's an ass. Have you visited survivinginfidelity.com ?
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Post by papersilly on Mar 27, 2020 19:25:14 GMT
Oh nooo, so sorry that happened to you.
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Post by ~summer~ on Mar 27, 2020 19:27:31 GMT
Hugs - you will get through this and will end up in a much better place. You are stronger than you think.
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Post by iteach3rdgrade on Mar 27, 2020 19:30:00 GMT
I'm sorry!
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Post by yodutchess on Mar 27, 2020 19:42:25 GMT
I am so sorry TankTop. Sending you strength and hugs.
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