Deleted
Posts: 0
May 20, 2024 16:21:06 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 28, 2020 5:05:50 GMT
I’m so sorry, Tank. You’re a strong woman. You’ll get through this. Hugs.
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pudgygroundhog
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,643
Location: The Grand Canyon
Jun 25, 2014 20:18:39 GMT
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Post by pudgygroundhog on Mar 28, 2020 5:17:32 GMT
I'm sorry. Sending you virtual hugs.
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oaksong
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,164
Location: LA Suburbia
Site Supporter
Jun 27, 2014 6:24:29 GMT
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Post by oaksong on Mar 28, 2020 5:19:50 GMT
What a punch in the gut. I’m so sorry. You’ll get through it, just a little bit at a time, moment by moment. We have your back.
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Post by prapea on Mar 28, 2020 5:48:50 GMT
I am so sorry.
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Post by AussieMeg on Mar 28, 2020 5:50:12 GMT
He truly believes he has done what he needs to do. He believes I am choosing to be hurt. That this was almost 6 months ago and I need to move on. He says that was the past. Of course he does. He knows that he is 100% in the wrong, but he wants to make you feel guilty. That it's all or partially your fault. That you should be able to move on. Don't let him make you feel guilty. Cheaters want their spouse to feel guilty, because it allows them to assuage themselves of their own guilt. This is ALL on him. I know you said that you are lost and broken. I want to you be fucking angry. I don't want that prick to make you feel any worse. I want you to show him that you are strong and you are going to be just fine, you don't need a piece of shit like him in your life. I wish I could do a Freaky Friday and inhabit your body for a bit, so I could pay out on him without the emotion that you're going through.
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Post by peasapie on Mar 28, 2020 8:18:56 GMT
Oh no. What a terrible lack of character to do something like this at this time. I hope you are at least able to keep things together financially. I’m sorry.
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Post by peasapie on Mar 28, 2020 8:23:07 GMT
I don’t even know how to breathe right now. I am so sorry. I am going through kind of the same thing, my soon to be ex is having an affair. The first week after I found out I had no idea how to eat, breath, live, survive. Take things minute by minute, even by second some days. As much as you can, focus on the good, and try to find the joy in every day. When someone first told me that I laughed at them, but it really does help. At first the joy was just the sun shining, or a friend just saying hi. Praying for you, I know how absolutely horrible this is, and how it just takes your breath away. My sympathies to you. Never a good time for this but now is terribly difficult. I’m thinking of you. Totally understand if you change your user name.
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Post by roberta on Mar 28, 2020 8:36:25 GMT
I just saw this. I am thinking of you and am so very sorry for all the pain.
I went through a horrible marriage and divorce years ago so even though your circumstances are different I understand that pain.
There is hope and it does get better.
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joelise
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,649
Jul 1, 2014 6:33:14 GMT
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Post by joelise on Mar 28, 2020 9:00:45 GMT
Thinking of you. Things will get better, but right now know that the peas are here for you, you are not alone x
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Post by christine58 on Mar 28, 2020 11:17:00 GMT
Hoping today is just alittle better for you.
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anaterra
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,847
Location: Texas
Jun 29, 2014 3:04:02 GMT
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Post by anaterra on Mar 28, 2020 12:19:19 GMT
Im hoping today looks a little more hopeful..
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Post by stampnscrap1128 on Mar 28, 2020 13:09:42 GMT
I'm so very sorry. Please know we are surrounding you with love, light, and strength.
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Post by hop2 on Mar 28, 2020 14:02:15 GMT
Everyone recommended a website for people who were cheated on. I didn’t think it helped me, and i read there a bit, I didn’t join because I thought it was a negative place bordering on bitter. But in retrospect, it did help me to see so many stories ‘like me’ and by that I mean it did help me to see how many other people were told the SAME textbook gaslighting phrases to make them blame themselves. I don’t know where they all pick up these ‘get over it’ phrases but it is eye opening to see how many pull that. The problem isn’t YOU TankTop. The problem isn’t you not ‘getting over it’ or you ‘not letting go’ the problem is that HE has not changed one iota of behavior or worked to gain your trust back. The problem is that HE wants to not work on himself he just want you to do all the changing and jumping thru hoops. Listen to the peas, the peas helped me rebuild myself one step at a time. Even the occasional bitchy phrase with a grain of truth served to wake me up to how I was being gaslit. I actually can note one particularly nasty comment to another pea that really served to shake up my ‘I have no value I can’t’ way off thinking. The pea had very bitchily said something to the effect of ‘well if your going to say no I can’t to every idea for help we give you then no, your life is not going to change’ and that rang true to me and I could see the message thru the bitchiness partly because it wasn’t said to me during a time of crisis. When your in crisis your in fight or flight mode and you often can’t see the way thru. Take a breath, make lists, one step at a time you can do this. We care about you, we think your worth more than this. It will hurt like hell. But you can do this. And I have to admit I’m better for it. I couldn’t see that then, but I am better person now. I know the peas were a key part of rebuilding myself, first by helping me see thru the All the gaslighting that had me unsure & unable to change myself. Second by believing in me so I could believe in myself. Third by being examples of recovering out the other side as stronger more compassionate, giving women who are more comfortable with themselves than ever before. Many {{{{{ hugs}}}}} we are here for you
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Post by quinlove on Mar 28, 2020 15:09:16 GMT
Practice a breathing technique to calm you.
close your eyes take a slow steady breath through your nose put thumb and finger together (think yoga) count to 4 slowly let breath out through mouth while counting to 4
You’ve gotten lots of great advice. I’m just adding one more thing to help.
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TankTop
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1,871
Posts: 4,779
Location: On the couch...
Jun 28, 2014 1:52:46 GMT
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Post by TankTop on Mar 28, 2020 15:25:47 GMT
Thank you all so much. I can’t tell you how many times I have reread your words.
Today is looking a little brighter. Time to pull my shit together and set some boundaries.
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Post by Lexica on Mar 28, 2020 15:33:00 GMT
I am petrified of the unknown. I am scared for what my children will go through. I am scared to be alone. I know this will require a move. My child and I can’t maintain this home. My other child is in college living in her own apartment. Change can be terrifying, but it doesn’t have to be. What is waiting for you on the other side of this will be better, guaranteed. It will be different, but better. No more abusive or cruel things being said to you. Peace knowing you won’t have to worry about where he was or if what he is saying is a lie. Believe me, even a boring day with nothing happening is better than the state of your life right now. You won’t realize that fully until you are free from this situation and the dust settles because living like you have been is all you know right now. Trust those of us who have come through this to the other side. Do not fear being alone. You are stronger than you know and will be experiencing amazing growth and increased self esteem as time goes by. You will become strong and self sufficient, I promise you. Will it be hard? Sure. But so very worth it. You will realize how much of “you” has been put aside and downplayed for the sake of others. Women are naturally givers, and that’s okay, but first, we must learn to give to ourselves. And being alone in this age of technology is really not as scary as when I first experienced it. You have us here, 24/7. People who know you and care for you that you can “visit” when it suits you and leave it when you need to. I wish I had the internet during my divorce! Your DH’s comment about you needing to move on is very telling. My ex asked me, a few months after learning of his lengthy affair, just how long it was going to take me to get over. I could feel the impatience in his question and my normal reaction would have been to feel guilty that it was taking me so long. Instead, I got angry. I told him that I had no idea how long it was going to take me. But that I felt it wasn’t MY responsibility to get over it as it was HIS burden to earn his way back. HE needed to show me that he was worthy of my love and trust and his sitting back waiting for me to deal with it was a guaranteed failure. HE cheated. HE needed to give me as long as it took and put forth all his efforts to convince me that I could trust him and that it was worth it for me to risk my heart to him again. Apparently that was too much to ask for. I told him I would stay for one year and if the end of that year I still didn’t see the changes that I needed to see, I was gone. At the end of that year, after catching him in another lie, I kicked him out. I filed for divorce and he was shocked! He said he didn’t want a divorce. He said this to me as he was picking up our son to take back to his apartment for visitation. The apartment he shared with the woman he was having the affair with!! He moved in with her when I had him move out. He said it was because he couldn’t be alone, which he said I knew about him, and that if I had just allowed him to remain in our house, they might have stopped seeing each other by now. That pathetically arrogant man wanted to blame me for his inadequacy again!
Your husband’s failings are NOT your fault. Your inability to just ”move on” is NOT your fault. Believe me! You can and will get through this. I promise you. And we will be here for you every step of the way.
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Dalai Mama
Drama Llama
La Pea Boheme
Posts: 6,985
Jun 26, 2014 0:31:31 GMT
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Post by Dalai Mama on Mar 28, 2020 16:29:31 GMT
I can’t begin to tell you how much I appreciate you all today. I am lost. I am broken. However, your words are healing. I know I deserve better. I know this is an all time low for him. I know this says so much about him and who he is. You’re not broken; just a little dented. You will come out the other side of this stronger than ever. Because you’re TankTop and you’re worth 10x more than this POS could ever offer you.
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Post by pierogi on Mar 28, 2020 17:17:40 GMT
I can’t begin to tell you how much I appreciate you all today. I am lost. I am broken. However, your words are healing. I know I deserve better. I know this is an all time low for him. I know this says so much about him and who he is. You’re not broken; just a little dented. You will come out the other side of this stronger than ever. Because you’re TankTop and you’re worth 10x more than this POS could ever offer you. Damn skippy. You're not alone, Tank. Keep telling yourself that.
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Post by annie on Mar 28, 2020 17:38:54 GMT
I am so sorry! Hang in there. We’re here for you.
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msladibug
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,533
Jul 10, 2014 2:31:46 GMT
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Post by msladibug on Mar 28, 2020 18:00:52 GMT
I am sorry. There is so much good advice here by fellow Peas that have gone thru this. Listen to them. You may be the one advising some one in the future. sending you and your kids (((hugs))).
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Post by gale w on Mar 28, 2020 18:09:24 GMT
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
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Post by fiddlesticks on Mar 28, 2020 18:26:19 GMT
Thank you all so much. I can’t tell you how many times I have reread your words. Today is looking a little brighter. Time to pull my shit together and set some boundaries. You can do this!!!
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peasquared
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,458
Jul 6, 2014 23:59:59 GMT
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Post by peasquared on Mar 28, 2020 21:00:38 GMT
Thank you all so much. I can’t tell you how many times I have reread your words. Today is looking a little brighter. Time to pull my shit together and set some boundaries. And tomorrow will be even a tiny bit better, again. One day at a time. Sending love your way!
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Post by christine58 on Apr 1, 2020 21:44:24 GMT
Just checking in....how are you??
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Post by scrapbookwriter on Apr 2, 2020 2:47:38 GMT
TankTop - We’re all thinking of you.
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PLurker
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,744
Location: Behind the Cheddar Curtain
Jun 28, 2014 3:48:49 GMT
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Post by PLurker on Apr 2, 2020 3:06:15 GMT
Oh, my god. Unthinkable. I am just reading your initial post for the first time now. ((hugs)) to you. I am going back to read now.
My head is spinning for you. more hugs.
I hope every day you are find more strength to forge on and do what you have to do. Without him. You deserve better.
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River
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,515
Location: Alabama
Jun 26, 2014 15:26:04 GMT
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Post by River on Apr 2, 2020 3:29:01 GMT
I don't know how I missed this before. I'm so very sorry. You've already gotten some great support and advice so just know I'm thinking about you and praying you will eventually find peace.
(((HUGS)))
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tanya2
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1604
Posts: 4,423
Jun 27, 2014 2:27:09 GMT
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Post by tanya2 on Apr 2, 2020 5:36:47 GMT
omg how awful! I am so sorry you are going through this! What a jerk
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TankTop
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1,871
Posts: 4,779
Location: On the couch...
Jun 28, 2014 1:52:46 GMT
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Post by TankTop on Apr 2, 2020 9:57:23 GMT
Well... life has been a whirlwind.
Friday he left, went to work, and then went to sign a lease for an apartment. In all fairness he works in an industry that gives him connections in the apartment industry. He claims this was not planned and he arranged the apartment that morning after leaving.
He went to sign the lease and could not do it. From there it was a full mental health spiral downward from there that included his counselor, doctor, childhood best friend/pastor.
I do believe he has hit what one would call rock bottom. He is currently in a safe place getting the attention he needs to work on himself. Regardless of how it all ends for our marriage, I need for him to figure his crap out for our kids.
I have taken steps to protect the kids and myself, but am currently allowing others to deal with him.
It is a very humbling place to be to sit and watch someone who you have loved for over 20 years literally fall apart.
I appreciate you all so much. Your support, and your distraction have meant the world to me.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Apr 2, 2020 10:25:48 GMT
Sorry that happened to you. As you probably know, I’ve been there, done that. At this point, do what you need to do for you and your kids. Hugs!
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